Original subtitles

(clock ticking)

[♪♪]

*YEARS and YEARS* Season 01 Episode 01 Episode Title : "Episode 1"

I just don't understand the world anymore.

It all made sense up until a few years back.

The left was the left, the right was the right. America was America.

- Who's she? - Vivienne: I couldn't even point

- Some woman. - Vivienne: to Syria... on a map.

I just kissed the kids good night, turned out the lights,

look forward to waking up the next day.

I dread it now. Every day, dread.

I like her.

Host (on TV): That man there, at the back.

- Celeste: Good night, then, sweetheart. - Good night.

Milk's not good for you, darling. It's just mucus.

- Don't have a go at her. - No, I should do it more often.

Signor, who's Vivienne Rook?

Signor (electronic voice): Vivienne Alison Rook.

Born 1964 in Manchester.

Founding member of the JJC think tank.

Host (on TV): That woman there, in the blue.

Woman: What would you say to a Palestinian family

on the Gaza strip when Israel has reduced the electricity supply

to two hours a day?

- Two hours. - Vivienne: Yeah, I know.

I know, but I suppose when it comes to Israel and Palestine...

(inhales)

- I don't give a fuck. - (murmuring)

- (laughing): Oh, my God. - What did she just say?

- Well, now I like her even more. - She can't say that.

Go on, say it again. Wait, who is she?

(phone beeps)

- Stephen's watching. - (phone bloops)

Danny's seen her. Bet he's written a letter of complaint.

Look, number one trending topic: Viv Rook.

In what? Another 20 seconds?

Host (on TV): I have to apologize to the people at home.

- You really can't say that. - But I mean it. I mean it.

Kiev, Yemen, Qatar,

I simply do not give a...

No, no, no. If you say that again, I'll have to exclude you.

Well, that's the point, isn't it? We're not allowed to say anything true.

- I have had enough. - (phone beeping)

- I have literally had enough... - Lucy's watching, and Javindra. Nell.

- Lynne. Viv Rook for Strictly! - Mm.

Just headlines shouting at me. And...

all I want is for my bins to be collected once a week.

- You know, I want... - (audience applauds)

I want the primary school 200 yards from my house to pick up its own litter.

And, for the love of God, my mother walks with a stick.

Could people please just stop parking on the pavements?

- Vivienne: Could you just stop it? - (applause)

So, ask me about Israel, ask me about Palestine,

ask me, and I will tell you,

I do not give a...

- monkey's. - (audience laughs)

But I have got you listening now, haven't I?

- (applause on TV) - Oh, my God. She is a monster.

- I think she's brilliant. - (phone rings)

Hello? Hello? Are you all right?

Ah, yeah, it's me. Look, don't make a fuss, but can you take Lee?

Just get him to bed and give him some toast for breakfast. He'll be fine.

I'm on my way to the hospital.

- I started. I'm early. - Uh, right.

Yeah. But what about Jan?

I thought she was helping you.

She was, according to the birth plan, but that's next Monday.

She's in London tonight, and Runi's had a drink so she's useless.

We're on our way to Salford City. Can you meet me there and pick him up?

- Oh, and can you tell Gran? - But who are you with, then?

I'm being driven by Mr. Jayansundera from number six.

- Everything's under control. - (car honks)

- Sorry. - Daniel: No, no, no. I mean, but...

who's gonna be with you for the birth?

I don't know.

- She's on her own. - Why is she on her own?

I don't know. (stammers) Will you be okay?

Rosie: I'm all right. It's not my first. (Rosie sighs)

Mum should be with me, really.

Uh... (stammers) Do you want me to be there?

- Would ya? - (Ralph snickers)

Uh, yeah. 'Course I will. I'm on my way.

- (keys clattering) - (Ralph laughing)

(door opens)

Oh, my God. Rosie's gone into hospital.

- Huh. Is that now? - I thought she was months away.

Danny's with her. He says I've got to tell Gran.

Well, I could go. I could get a taxi. It's only half an hour.

Oh, don't add to the panic, Gran.

The last thing we need is one of your little adventures.

Danny says she's having an ultrasound for the epidural,

so everything's fine.

Your mother would be there.

I know, but...

Yeah, but there's nothing we can do about that.

A bit odd for Daniel...

Childbirth with his own sister.

If he wasn't gay before, he will be now.

Well, that's gynephobic.

- What was that? - Uh, Celeste says hello.

Mm.

Well, let me know the news.

Anytime, even if it's four a.m.

I will, but don't stay up all night, huh?

Promise me, no adventures.

You talk to me like I'm a child.

If you go to bed now, get up at five a.m.,

drive to Manchester, I mean, you could be at your gran's by eight o'clock.

I've got Lou Havins coming around in the morning about that trust.

Cancel him. E-mail him now. Go on.

Family emergency.

I mean, you should be with your gran, the old goat.

(both chuckle)

- Don't ever tell her I was nice. - (scoffs, chuckles)

Newswoman: This is BBC Radio Four. Good morning.

And here are the news headlines at 5:30 a.m.

President Trump has called on his opponents to bridge divisions

as he refuses to abandon his plans to build a wall

on the border with Mexico.

The DUP will begin further talks in Northern Ireland this morning,

hoping to break the deadlock over the latest border proposals.

In business, the next president of the World Bank

could be one of its harshest critics.

(whispers): What do you think?

He's so Chinese.

Oh, my God. I was waiting for you to say it first.

He is, isn't he?

I was wondering how Chinese he was gonna be,

but he is, like, 100 percent.

Tiny little version of Gau.

- Well, you'll have to tell him. - I know. I'll call him later.

- What about Dad? - None of his business.

Do you want me to phone him?

If I want to tell anyone, I want to tell Mom.

And I can't, so Dad can just piss off.

Don't you tell him, okay? Have you got that?

- Okay. All right. I won't. - Right?

So, have you thought of a name?

Lincoln. I don't believe it.

She's calling him Lincoln.

Like Abraham Lincoln?

(laughing): What is he, a Chinese Abraham Lincoln?

She's saying Lincoln? Lincoln Lyons.

- She's calling him Lincoln. - I know. I got an e-mail from Danny.

I warn you, he'll get called Lin.

Gran says he'll get called Lin.

So? Tell her that's a boy's name, too.

There's nothing wrong with it. I just wonder where she got it from.

- Maybe she had sex in Lincoln. - Oi, that's enough of that!

Ruby says maybe she had sex in Lincoln.

Uh, tell Ruby she can stop being so rude.

I've got to go. I'll see you tonight. Congratulations, again,

- great-grandmother. - I am great. Don't you forget it.

Come on. Let's go and see the little swine.

Mr. Lincoln Lyons.

You've got a new cousin. Auntie Rosie had a little boy called Lincoln.

Like Lincoln green.

Signor, give me the origin of Lincoln as a boy's first name.

Signor: Lincoln as a boy's first name is from the Latin,

- meaning lithe. - What does lithe mean?

Um, kind of thin.

Is it thin or slight? More like slim.

Signor, what does lithe mean?

Signor: Lithe. Adjective, meaning pliant,

limber, supple, flexible.

Thank you.

Hello, hello, hello.

Rosie: Aw, he's fast asleep.

Good boy.

Oh, little Lincoln.

Rosie (softly): Yeah.

- I keep thinking about your mum. - Rosie: I know.

But don't set me off again. Has anyone told Edith?

I left her a message. She never replies. God knows where she is.

Indonesia, last I heard.

- Oh. - Muriel: They imprison children, she says.

Apparently, if you haven't got a birth certificate,

they determine your age by X-raying your wrist.

And then if your X-ray says you're 16,

you're 16, even if you're 12.

So, off goes Edith, into battle.

Just like her mother.

No, Mom liked a hot bath and proper towels.

Edith lives like a hippie.

- (laughs) - Daniel: Come on, then.

They said two to a bed.

I'll take Lee to McDonald's. How do you fancy that, yeah?

- Yeah! - Yeah.

Daniel: Yeah!

- Can I say goodbye? - Yeah.

- Muriel: Oh, careful. - (chuckles)

Oh, looking a bit broody, there.

No chance. No way.

Oh, you'd be great, you and Ralph.

Don't know if I could. Have a kid, in a world like this.

- Oh, that's happy. Thanks. - Really, though. It's...

It is like that Rook woman said.

Things were okay a few years ago, before 2008.

Do you remember back then? We used to think politics was boring.

- Those were the days. - And now, I worry about everything.

I don't know what to worry about first. Never mind the government.

It's the sodding banks, they terrify me.

And it's not even them. It's the companies, the brands,

the corporations... They treat us like algorithms

while they go around poisoning the air,

and the temperature, and the rain, and don't even start me on ISIS.

Oh, now we've got America.

Never thought I'd be scared of America in a million years,

but we've got fake news, and false facts.

I don't even know what's true anymore.

What sort of world are we in? (laughs)

'Cause if it's this bad now, what's it gonna be like for you?

Huh? Thirty years' time? Ten years?

Five years?

What's it gonna be like?

All: ♪ Happy birthday, dear Lincoln ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

(cheering)

And the world awakes to a second term

for President Donald Trump.

The president you get, you deserve.

- (fireworks popping) - (crowd cheering)

Okay. Right. So, don't laugh, but will you marry me?

- Oh, my God, you're hilarious, Dan. - But will you, though?

- Yes. - Yeah?

[♪♪]

(fireworks whistling)

(cheering)

And China has named the new island Hong Sha Dao,

which means the island of the Red Sands.

The date of the general election has been announced

as Thursday, May the fifth.

I will be standing. Yes, it's about time.

Uh, but I'll be standing as an independent candidate.

I, Daniel Samuel Lyons,

take you, Ralph Joseph Cousins, to be my legally wedded husband.

(laughs)

(cheering)

- (clapping, cheering) - Arriba, arriba, arriba!

[♪♪]

Crowd (on TV): Long live the king! Long live the king!

Long live the king!

[♪♪]

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

(cheering)

- Vivienne Alison Rook: 3,576. - (crowd booing)

Officer: Archibald Goolding is duly elected as member of Parliament.

His constituency!

I'll be back. You watch me. I'll be back.

The Ukrainian army has taken control of the government.

They have invited the Soviet army into Kiev

to maintain stability.

♪ Happy birthday, dear Gran ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

(cheering)

We should do this every year on my birthday.

- It's a new tradition. - It's freezing.

Let's call it, "The Winter Feast."

And with Germany still in mourning after the death of Angela Merkel...

- Oh, good riddance. - What?

Well, you know, I don't want to be rude,

but the world has got a whole lot prettier.

You've got a great future in politics.

- Why is she even on? - (Ralph laughing)

- She's not anyone. She's no one. - Oh, lighten up.

I'll take it as a compliment, anyway.

And here's to absent friends. To our dearly beloved sister,

out there on the oceans deep.

- Here's to Edith. - All: To Edith.

[♪♪]

- Yay! - (cheering)

(crowd cheering, whistling)

Newswoman (on radio): And there's a large crowd of protesters

gathering in Dover this morning

as it's been announced that so far in 2024,

more Ukrainian refugees have entered the UK

than in the whole of the previous year.

Current estimates suggest that a further 10,000 refugees will be arriving

before the end of the month. (broadcast continues indistinctly)

Pass me the soap.

- What are you doing that for? - I just had a shit downstairs.

And you always tell me off when I run the taps.

Hey, have you got shitty hands?

I haven't got actual shit on my hands, no.

- Don't... Get off. Stop it! - All right. I'm done.

- That's disgusting! - It's your rule.

Celeste: Morning.

Oh, you look nice.

Hello, Clyde.

Stephen, I left that thing on the shelf.

- Don't forget, it needs to go today. - Yep.

Tell me, Clyde. Are you living here now?

Mom says thank you very much.

That's every day this week. I'll send her a bill.

- Celeste: Morning. - (in filtered voice): Hello, Mummee.

- And how's Bethany doing under there? - She's fine.

Um. Well, it would be nice to see her one day. Give her my love.

Signor, remind Edith it's Gran's birthday on the second.

Signor: Reminder to Edith Lyons. Sent.

Oh, God. The Winter Feast. Do we really have to go?

Don't be daft. We'll have a nice time.

Plus, it means we don't have to see them at Christmas.

Okay, nobody can use the vision tonight because me and Clyde have booked it.

We've got upstairs from seven till ten. Have you got that?

Clyde and I.

It's the worldwide premiere of Guardians 4,

so you can't interrupt, not for anything.

(sighs) Chris Pratt is such a hot daddy. He could have me any day.

- (Ruby laughs) - Bye.

- Thirteen years old. - (phone chimes)

Bethany says she's booked us for Saturday.

Are you free?

Bethany, sweetheart.

You don't need to make an appointment with me.

I'm here, right in front of you.

- I'm sowwee, mumee. - Seriously, though.

I mean, I might have to start limiting filter time. Just talk to me properly.

- Sowwee, pwetty mumee. - Do you want me to take that off you?

- Don't. No, it's all right. - No, it's not. Look, it's not all right.

Beth, I'm here, in front of you.

If you want to talk to us, you don't need to make an appointment.

Why don't you turn off that filter,

so we can see you, properly.

- Bethany: Sorry. - (in filter voice): Sowwee. (panting)

Celeste (mutters): For God's sakes.

I think if Beth wants to see us, then Saturday makes sense,

because you won't be rushing off, and...

Ruby's at her sex fighting class, so the three of us can sit down together

and have a nice, long chat. Isn't that right, Bethany?

Oh, I like how that became my fault. Rushing off.

But, yes. Okay, fine. Saturday.

(in baby filtered voice): Yay! Fank-oo! Fank-oo!

(giggling)

[♪♪]

(window whirring)

Have you not got your car?

I was in Rusholme last night. It was all sealed off

with that bomb factory. I've got to go and get it.

Well, I can take you in. It's about time we said hello.

It's Daniel.

From number 17.

I'm Fran. Fran Baxter.

Hi. Yeah.

Fran: Thank you.

So what brought you up here, then?

Oh, I gave up on London in the end.

I tried my best, but it finally beat me.

- Why? Too expensive? - Twelve pound for a coffee!

(whistles) - And those areas getting fenced off.

Like, you can only enter Kensington if you're means-tested.

Oh.

Well, I've had enough. I can do my job anywhere.

- Which is what? What do you do? - I'm a storyteller.

Oh. Right. Good. Yeah.

- (both chuckling) - What's that?

I tell stories for a living.

I-I go into schools and businesses.

I teach master classes.

The shape of stories, and the need for them.

You think it's ridiculous, don't you?

Uh, no. No. Not at all.

It's a real thing, though.

It's worldwide. I've done a TED talk!

- Oh, God. Wow. - Well...

TED X, but it's amazing in schools. Kids love it.

Like, stories help them to make sense of the world.

Is your sister Edith Lyons?

Yes. Yes, she is. Yeah.

You'd get on well with her. She'd love you.

Why? How'd you know? Who said?

Mike at Number 12 told me.

I think she's amazing. I've read all of her books.

Uh, well, they're not exactly books.

They're more like essays that never end.

No, but... yeah. You know, I haven't seen her for years.

She didn't even come home when our mum died.

She's in Lagos now, causing trouble.

Hmm. And you work for the council, yeah?

Yeah. I'm just a housing officer.

I know, boring.

Daniel: I'm dealing with all these refugees.

Flooded in from Ukraine. Five-hundred in the past month.

Housing doesn't cover it. We've had to build them a little town.

No. No! No! No cars on-site. Read the signs.

Parking's at Denholm Fields.

Well, I don't know where that is.

I'm Debbie Green.

They sent me from Blackpool. I'm with the Exchange.

Okay. Well, just go back to the road, turn right, follow the parking signs,

and then come back and find me, Daniel Lyons,

and I can show you what's what.

- Thanks, Danny. - Daniel.

So, they arrive here, and they're sent through there, to Divestiture.

That's where they abandon all their belongings,

except clothes and essentials,

because you would not believe what they try to bring in.

Chairs, and heirlooms, pets.

We keep saying, "They're not homes.

- "They're emergency housing." - Debbie: How many on on site?

- Daniel: Uh... - Vijay: Sixty, so far.

But expanding to 200 by the end of the week.

Daniel: Yeah, so what's the plan up in Blackpool? Are you building one of these?

- Oh, God, no. We're trying to stop them. - What do you mean?

Well, we don't want this. It's a bloody nightmare. I voted leave.

Yeah, they're not immigrants. They're refugees.

There's a difference. Do you know what the difference is?

I think it's one thing taking in starving kids, not Ukrainians.

They got shops over there. They got TV. They got roads.

- They've got soldiers on the streets. - Are we at war with Russia?

- No. Not yet. - Then they're not refugees.

They're asylum seekers, and that's a very different apple in the custard.

Ninety-seven percent of Ukraine voted for Russian citizenship.

If you can believe that wasn't fixed.

And now Russia's got the names of the other three percent,

whether that's legal or not, and they're talking about rehousing them.

But they won't give a definition of what rehousing means,

which is terrifying, frankly. In other words, it's a purge.

So, these people are refugees, which means they're allowed to seek asylum,

and it's got nothing to do with Europe.

And we're still part of the United Nations whether you like it or not.

Who says, "Apple in the custard"?

- My mother. - Then she's a bloody idiot. Vijay, get her off site.

- (Debbie gasps) - June?

- June: Yes? - That's for DP.

- Thanks. - Thank you. Fifteen...

Fifteen. Right.

Uh, hi, there, Mr. Barabash. Uh...

Uh, you've applied for a transfer to Dublin, because, uh...

Oh, you've got family there. Is that right? Sorry.

How's your English?

- It's good. - Okay, well, we can't process that

until the Sanctuary Scheme has worked out a border deal with Ireland,

and that is a long way off, so we can't do anything right now. Sorry.

Good. But, uh... I'm not Mr. Barabash.

Oh. Right. Okay. Is he around?

- No, he's gone. - Where has he gone?

- Dublin. - Uh... (chuckles)

- Well, I'm here to tell him he can't. - That bastard.

(both chuckling)

My name is Viktor. Viktor Goraya.

Yeah, I should know that, shouldn't I?

Uh, well, I'm with Housing. Daniel. I'm...

Yeah, I'm normally more efficient than this. I promise.

I thought you'd come to join me. They said I'd have to share.

I thought, wow. I got lucky.

Yeah, anyway, I'd better...

Thanks. Uh... So how are you settling in?

They got me a lawyer. Mrs. Vennering.

She prepares my case for asylum.

It'll take months, so, thank you for my home.

Oh. Well, it's meant to have proper insulation, but the money ran out.

The roof's only made of a light gauge steel, so...

Sorry. I could talk about containers forever.

My boyfriend, oh, gets sick of it.

Yeah.

So what does your lawyer say? I mean, what are your chances?

Well, they need to prove... torture, that I was tortured.

They asked me questions and applied electricity to the soles of my feet.

- I think that's torture. - Of course it is.

God, that is... That is terrible. I'm so sorry.

They demand proof here in the UK, which...

I understand, but they electrocute because it leaves no marks.

So, no proof. You see.

There was a tiny scar, where the electrode goes in.

But not anymore. It fades away.

- Does it still hurt? - Yeah. But it's okay.

So what did they ask you?

- What sort of questions? - My friends.

Their names, addresses, the bars we'd go to.

But I thought it's legal in Ukraine. Isn't it?

No, no, no. Not with the new Russia laws.

But the point is, the inquisitors were Ukrainian.

They were people who'd been waiting a long time.

That's nice.

- I'd better get back to work. - Yeah.

Well, say hello. Anytime.

Uh, yeah, but we're not allowed to.

Preferential treatment, you know.

Anyway, thanks.

(noisy chattering)

Signor, give me Bethany's Internet history, past 24 hours.

Signor: That account is private.

- Germany. Lemon. Five. Parasol. - Signor: Unlocked.

Don't. We promised them.

Signor, give me Bethany's Internet history, past 24 hours.

(dings)

Celeste: A trans life. Well, there we are.

I said so.

(sighs)

Oh, bless her.

It's okay. She'll be fine.

We'll be fine.

They'll be fine?

(both chuckling)

- God. - (laughs)

(sighs) I just want you to know...

(in filtered voice): I wuv you, mumee and dadee.

I know you do, sweetheart.

And I'm going to ask you to take the filter off.

Will you do that for me?

(filter dings)

I think... I've been uncomfortable...

for a long time.

- We know. - Shh, shh, shh.

I've been thinking, ever since I was born that...

I don't belong in this body.

- Oh, my God. - It's all right.

It's really okay, darling.

I've been reading up on it.

And...

I think I'm trans.

Oh, sweetheart. Oh...

Oh, it's all right, darling.

- I swear. - It really is.

Huh? Look at us. We're fine.

- We're completely fine. Aren't we? - Mm-hmm.

I know we might be a bit slow

and a bit old, and...

this is going to be confusing for us,

and we'll make a mess of it sometimes, but...

We love you. Hmm?

We love you. We absolutely love you.

We always will.

I mean, we don't need to rush.

We've got lots of time to talk about this.

And, now if it turns out that we've got a... a lovely son

instead of a lovely daughter, then...

- well, we'll be happy. - Hmm?

No, I'm not transsexual.

- Oh. - Is that not the word now?

- But you said trans. - What do we call you, then?

I'm not transsexual. I'm transhuman.

- Oh, okay. - I'm sorry. They keep changing the words.

- I don't know the difference. - I don't want to change sex.

No. Sure. We say gender now, don't we. Sorry.

I said, I'm not comfortable with my body,

so, I want to get rid of it.

This thing, all the arms and legs and every single bit of it.

I don't want to be flesh.

I'm really sorry, but I'm gonna escape this thing

and become digital.

What do you mean?

They say, one day soon, they'll have clinics in Switzerland,

where you can go and you'll sign a form and they'll take your brain,

and download it into the cloud.

And your body?

Recycled, into the earth.

So you want to kill yourself.

I wanna live forever...

as information, because that's what transhumans are, Mom.

Not male or female. Better.

Where I'm going there's no life or death. There's only data.

I will be data.

You promised me! You liars!

(Bethany sobbing)

And if you think you're going online you make a sad mistake!

I'm switching it off! I will go analog if I have to,

so you can't read anymore of that shit!

Then the old woman clung to her daughter,

because she was so afraid.

She said, "My daughter, I can't go home.

"Waiting on the road out there in the night

"are three terrible creatures!

"There is a tiger,

"There is a bear,

"and there is a wolf,

and they will eat me."

But the daughter said, "Look!

What about the pumpkin?"

'Cause she still had the pumpkin shell from making the pumpkin soup,

and the pumpkin shell was huge.

She said, "Mother, get inside the pumpkin."

So the old woman did.

And as she bent over and curled up tight,

all the bones in her back went crick!

- Crowd: Crack! - Fran: Crick!

- Crowd: Crack! - Fran: Crick!

- Crowd: Crack! - Oh, those old bones!

But the old woman got inside.

And her daughter sealed up the pumpkin with candle wax,

and rolled her to the door.

I'd better go home.

Stay.

Sorry.

[♪♪]

- Two ticks. - It's okay.

(phone buzzes)

(inhales deeply)

(exhales)

[♪♪]

(indistinct conversation)

MAN: You're gonna miss your class. Behave now.

- Hiya. It's Tony, isn't it? - That's right.

I'm Lee's mom. Rosie. Rosie Lyons.

There's no Mr. Lyons, in case you were wondering.

And so she ran off, overnight.

Literally packed her bags and left. Milly was only four.

- And I had to cope all on my own. - Hmm.

Well, I hope you're not expecting a medal, single dad.

No. I was just saying...

- God, you're hard work. - Yes, I am. Get used to it.

(Rosie chuckles)

- So, who have you got? Lincoln and Lee. - Yep.

His dad's called Gau. He was nice enough, but...

he went back home to Beijing when his mum died.

She fell off a roof. It was terrible.

Although, I always knew he'd go back in the end. He was never gonna stay.

And Lee's dad is a man called Terry Malone.

He's living in Slough with a wife and three daughters.

He stays in touch, he sends money.

We first got together at school.

I don't mean childhood sweethearts.

- It was more of a... school disco sort of thing. -(both laugh)

So, uh, do you work, or are these two full-time?

Mm. God, no. I've got a job.

I'd go crackers stuck at home with two boys all day.

- What do you do? - I'm a championship wrestler.

- (laughs): What? - (Rosie chuckles)

No, I'm a chef manager, on a job share at the big school.

One thousand, two hundred peoples. It's hard work.

So, Mr. Tony Watts, now you know everything, you can ask me out.

All right. Can I?

Yes, you can. Hurry up.

All right. Well, um, well, what do you fancy?

- Saturday night? Does that work? - Can you cook?

- I can cook. - No, you spend all day in a canteen.

I'll cook. I'll do it.

Well, give me your address then.

Okay.

- Saturday night. Eight? - Eight o'clock, it is.

- (phones chime in unison) - (chuckling)

Muriel: Here we are, my beanie boys.

I'll make you a bacon sandwich later on.

Beautiful. That'll do me. Thanks, Mur.

I've been in that back bedroom, Gran.

I can't paint it. It's too damp from the outside.

You're gonna need proper work done in there.

Zinc. You just cover it over with zinc paint.

I know, but that's not an option.

This house needs money. It's held together by cobwebs.

We'll manage. All will be well.

Don't let me interrupt.

You look very nice in dungarees, Ralph.

Sexy.

Oi, you cheeky thing. (laughs)

You do actually look quite hot in dungarees.

Well, uh, we can try 'em at home. Hmm?

- Later. - Yeah, that'd be nice.

It's about time.

- You're the one who works late. - Oh, forget I said anything.

- Well... - You're the one who's never off his phone.

- Had to have the last word, didn't you? - Well, it's true.

Did you read that link I sent you?

- Uh, no, not yet. - You see?

Look, I'm sharing stuff. I'm trying.

You could join in more.

- Okay, what does it say? - It's amazing.

Right. It's this site that proves that germs don't exist.

- Right. - Yeah. That's what it says.

No such thing as germs.

Whole thing, right, faked by the pharmaceutical industry.

Right, well, that's bollocks. Don't do that.

You'll be joining the Flat Earth Society next.

Ah, now that stuff is fascinating.

- Oh, no way. - Have you read it?

- No, and I never will. - Come on, that's a bit ignorant, don't you think?

How's that gonna help anyone, not reading something?

You're not saying the world is flat. For God's sake, Ralph, you teach children.

- Please don't say the world is flat. - I'm not saying it is.

I'm just keeping an open mind.

- It's an option. - How?

How is that an option? We've been to India.

We've traveled halfway across the Earth. We've seen it.

How do you think the horizon curves? We've seen it from a plane.

- There's a curve. - That's what a disc would look like.

All right, but you've got GPS

- in your car. - Yeah, with a flat screen.

- The "G" stands for global. - So?

Apple computers aren't made from apples, are they?

That's not even a thi...

Look, I'm not saying I'm absolutely right.

Okay? Which means you can't say I'm absolutely wrong.

Except you're never gonna stop, are you?

God help anyone trying to contradict you, Dan.

(clatters)

Daniel: I swear to God, it's like intelligence is going backwards.

We're in reverse. It's not the moon landings or 9/11. It's...

I don't know. Loch Ness monster.

The human race is getting more stupid right in front of our eyes.

I mean, what do you do if your husband is too thick?

(scoffs) You can ask Celeste. She's got a few theories about that.

It's driving me mad. You know, it's not just Ralph. It's... It's everywhere.

I know. It's like we went too far.

We imagined too much.

We sent all those probes into space,

and we went to the very edge of the solar system.

Built the Hadron Collider and the Internet,

and we painted all those paintings,

and we wrote all those great songs, and then...

Pop!

Whatever we had, we punctured it,

and now it's all collapsing.

Well, nothing we can do.

Our brains are devolving.

Seriously, though. What if they are?

Some species don't survive.

Actually, all species don't survive in the end.

- How can you say that with kids? - Tell me about it.

I've got a daughter who wants to digitize herself and chuck her body away.

I don't know. Downloading your brain?

It can't actually be done, though, can it? It's not real.

- You're denying everything. - Oh, God.

What's real, what's not? How do we know?

- You okay? - Yeah.

- Are you, though? - It's just work.

Are those Ukrainians driving you mad?

It's exactly that. (chuckles)

Yes. That's exactly what it is.

Ta-da! What do you think? Am I gorgeous?

Don't all clap at once. Thank you, fans.

Stop faffing about. Head off. You're gonna be late!

Right. Behave for Leslie, you two.

She's only on three quid an hour.

We've got popcorn and Mike's universal password. We'll be fine.

And if Mummy has a nice time with her friend and talks too much,

and falls asleep on his couch,

uh, I'll see you in the morning.

- Go, Rosie! - (cheering)

- Bye-bye! Woo! - Lee: Woo-hoo!

(laughs) Do you know, there wasn't even a custody battle?

- She was too drunk. - Mm.

You know, I spent 500 quid on a lawyer, and she didn't even turn up.

But your little Milly's all right, though. She looks happy enough.

- Yeah, she's amazing. - Aw.

- Full of beans. - (laughs)

I've got to be honest, We're like best mates now, the two of us.

- Well, me, her, and Keith. - Who's Keith?

Oh, my God. There he is!

- Keith, forward two feet. - (whirring)

Ha! He's brilliant! Does he talk?

Oh, only simple things. Hello, Keith.

- Keith: Hello, Tony. - (laughs) Freaks me out a bit.

Aah. They keep telling us these things are gonna rule the world.

All he can do is fetch a can of pop out of the fridge.

She loves him, though. Milly loves Keith, yes?

- (whirring) - Keith: Keith loves Milly.

(Rosie laughs)

And Milly's at your sister's, yeah?

(moaning, panting)

You okay? I mean, is there anything I should do, or... not do?

- Yeah. Just get on with it. - (Tony chuckles)

But... have you got a condom?

Yeah, don't worry. I'm fully equipped.

- What... What was that? - What?

That.

- It's just a thing. - Yeah, I know it is, but what do you do with it?

(sighs) I get lonely, you know?

Oh, my God.

- (beeps, chimes) - Keith: Orifice open.

Tony: Honestly, I was only mucking about!

Oh, don't now, Rosie. Come back to bed.

You have sex with your robot!

(laughing) Oh, my God!

- No, way! - Oh, shut up. It's not funny!

But it's a robot called Keith!

- Hello, Tony. (whirring) - Tony: Not now, Keith.

(laughing)

- So, did you stay? - Rosie (over phone): No, I did not.

I said, "Thank you very much, Tony Watts" and got out.

Aw, you could have had Keith instead.

- I bet Keith has got attachments. - (laughing)

- Oh, you'd love that, wouldn't ya? - Well, I'd give it a go.

- What was that? - Uh, robot sex thing.

(mutters): Oh.

Um, so listen...

I was thinking, what should we get Gran for her birthday?

'Cause I saw it advertised: the Gypsy Kings.

- (over phone): Do you think? - Are they still going?

Oh, they are immortal. Oh, she's on.

Vivienne: Are we ready?

Are we? Oh, hope it works.

Newsman: The movement, known as the Four Star Party,

intends to field a minimum of 17 MPs...

Daniel: Have you seen the TV?

- She's formed her own party, that monster. - I haven't got a TV anymore.

My first-ever front page. What's me mother going to say?

We are calling it the Four Star Party,

in honor of my little faux pas

on live TV, all those years ago.

(laughs) And...

the censorship I have faced ever since on the fake news media.

But we are four stars.

We are four stars striving to be five.

That's what we represent: ambition.

The ambition of the ordinary man and woman.

The people abandoned by the parties of old.

How can she launch a political party? She isn't even an MP.

You don't have to be.

We could launch a party right now, but we don't,

- because we can't be arsed. - Vivienne: Labor is dead.

The Tories are dead. The Liberal Democrats are dead.

And then we complain about people who do. At least she's trying.

Vivienne: And the Four Star Party is bursting with life.

- I'd vote for her. - Don't you dare.

Four Stars!

Newsman: The crisis over Hong Sha Dao continues to worsen...

Do you understand this thing with China? Is it real?

Oh, it's just America going nuts.

You know, their elections get madder and madder.

Rosie (over phone): So, the Gypsy Kings, yeah?

Tell you what? If we get two tickets, can I have other other one?

Daniel (over phone): No.

Newswoman: Tensions are rising in the standoff

between the US and China over the disputed territory of Hong Sha Dao.

President Trump has announced a new round of sanctions

and has upped the stakes by tweeting that America will never back down.

We have breakfast tomorrow, and then we go, first thing.

No Sunday lunch. Got that? All of you?

Oh, here comes the Dragon Lady.

Prepare for danger. Stand by.

I'm just trying to listen. This whole thing's gone a bit mad.

Oh, you bring us all this way, now you can deal with her.

Celeste: Hi! Happy birthday.

Hello! We did it. We made it!

Well, don't make it sound like such an effort, not on my behalf.

- Aw, you don't look a day over 900. - (Muriel chuckles)

- Stephen: Hey, hey, hey. - Celeste: Hi.

- How was it? - Fine. Good. No problems.

- Are you putting on weight? - Ha, ha. I told him that.

- Ah, married the wrong brother. - Stephen: Come here then.

Now Stephen has been busy.

He's made that cake with the white frosting.

Ooh!

Celeste: And he's made that one with the crystallized ginger,

- 'cause everyone liked that. - Ah, little Susie Homemaker.

- That's me. - And I bought gluten-free rolls, Bethany.

- Just for you. - Okay, but...

Uh, she's not gluten-free anymore. It's a misdiagnosis.

Turns out it's misdiagnosis for most of the world.

What we thought was gluten intolerance

turns out to be fructans intolerance.

It's this, um, sugar chain thing?

- That's what they're saying anyway. - Muriel: Well...

I wouldn't know, in my little kitchen in Manchester.

Perhaps if you visited me more than once a year,

- I would know better. - Hey, I was here two months ago.

I was talking to your wife.

(video game music playing)

(footsteps approach)

(lively orchestral music playing)

You little idiot.

(music continues on TV)

But it is an emergency.

We've got four days left of this presidency,

four days in which he can do anything he likes.

Man (on TV): But America won't back down,

and China's made it clear they won't back down.

So, what do you think is going to happen?

The situation is running out of control...

(orchestral music playing)

Stephen: Here we are. A bit burnt,

that's all part of the experience.

Oh, these ones over here are lamb.

They eat so much meat. It's like we married Henry the Eighth.

I am freezing. It's all right for Muriel.

- Her nerve endings died in 1976. - (both laughing)

Daniel: Here you go. A birthday feast!

Stephen: Go on then, Gran. Let's have the speech.

(in high voice): I remember when all this was Woolworth's.

- (laughter) - Well, I do. I loved that shop.

- I used to buy 45-inch singles there. - (Rosie laughs)

That was back in the day when we still had butterflies.

When did you last see one of those?

Although, I'll tell you one thing we didn't have: tsunamis.

- (laughter) - Don't be daft. What do you mean?

No, we didn't. We had earthquakes, but that was it.

The tsunami is an entirely modern invention.

(Rosie laughs) I love it. Here's to you, Gran. Everyone...

- Happy birthday, Muriel. - Hey, did I tell you, Dad's moved house?

It looks nice online. It's off the main road.

Well, good for him.

And that's an end to it, don't you think?

Celeste: Oh, be fair, though. He's been with Jacqueline for what?

Decades now. She's quite nice.

Maybe we should invite them next year.

I said that's an end to it.

And anybody who disagrees is quite welcome to leave and go back to London.

Ralph: Hey, did you hear?

Ruby's been telling us about her porn class.

Rosie: What?

No, wait, seriously, you don't actually have porn class.

No. It's called sexual awareness imaging control.

Daniel: Wow.

Stephen: They get taught pornography from age 11.

It's official. It's compulsory. They need it.

Compulsory porn. Woo! Love it.

You're on the list. Category 15: Middle-aged gay male,

likely to mock boundaries and force sexual references into my orbit.

- (laughter) - Aye, Danny!

Bang on, I'd say.

Congratulations, Dan. You're on the syllabus.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you had an orbit.

- (laughter) - Rosie: Danny!

(orchestral music playing on TV)

(high-pitched tone droning)

- (laughing) - (cell phones ringing)

- Oh! No way! - Edith: Hi.

- Oh! Hi! - Hey, Edith!

Daniel: Where are you?

Stephen: We're all here. We're in the garden.

- Edith: Are you okay, though? - You remembered my birthday.

- Have you heard the news? - We bought Gran Gypsy King tickets,

- so you can pay for a quarter. - Yeah, you're missing out.

- We're all being categorized. - (laughter)

Are you all right, darling?

I'm fine, I'm fine, I think. I don't know. I don't...

- I don't know if it matters anymore. - Stephen: Where are you?

Uh, Vietnam. On the coast,

just... down from Ho Chi Minh City.

Oh, all right for some.

Edith: We came here to protest, but too late.

It's... It's only just over there, Hong Sha Dao.

- Is that on that island thing? - For God's sake, Gran.

Don't you watch the news? I send you a link every day.

Hong Sha Dao is an artificial island.

It's built by the Chinese.

Population: 26,000. But it's more than that.

It's a military base with nuclear weapons, that's what America says.

It was on the radio this morning. Why? What's happened?

(air-raid siren blaring)

(air-raid siren continuing)

- Is that siren with you, or us? - That's here.

It's here, as well.

- What does it mean? - They've, They've launched a missile.

- Who has? China? - Uh, America. They fired...

a nuclear missile at Hong Sha.

- You're kidding? - Oh, my God.

He did it. Donald Trump did it, in his final days of office.

But... we haven't got sirens, have we?

- (air-raid siren continuing) - Where is that coming from?

We don't have sirens. We just... We just don't.

- Rosie: We're not at war, are we? - Are they firing at us?

- Of course they aren't. - Yeah, but China and America,

if they go to war, we're directly in the middle, aren't we?

We're not in the middle. We're not even on the edge.

They'd fire over the Pacific, not over us.

That is a four-minute warning. Don't tell me nothing's happening.

- I can hear a four-minute warning. - TV! There's a thing on TV!

This is a broadcast on behalf of His Majesty's government.

It has been announced by the prime minister

that the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland

has been placed on an official war footing

as of 17:15 this afternoon.

- Daniel: Excuse me. - Come on, Gran. Come on!

(air-raid siren continuing)

Newsman (on TV): miles from mainland China.

- (door slams) - The United States of America

has launched a nuclear missile

at the disputed Chinese territory...

- Daniel: Who is he? - All channels are the same.

He's not an official newsreader, is he? I've never seen him before.

Well, do you think it's a hoax? Well, he's right. It's on every channel.

Stephen: Are we at war? Huh?

Does this mean we're at war, Great Britain?

- Edith (over computer): I don't know. - Is a UGM-133A Trident...

- Did he say Trident? That's us. - That's us, isn't it?

God, that's us.

Stephen: Edith, is that us? Does Trident mean us?

Are we the only ones with Trident missiles?

I don't know.

- Or have they used us? Is that what - I don't know.

They've done? Have America used us?

- Stephen, I don't know. - They're gonna shoot it down, the Chinese.

It's not gonna land. They shoot these missiles

down all the time. It's what they do.

Newsman: has been placed on official war footing

as of 17:15 this afternoon.

The United States of America has launched a nuclear missile

at the disputed Chinese

- territory of Hong Sha Dao... - (air-raid siren stops)

in the South China Sea, nd artificial island,

760 miles from mainland China.

What does that mean? Is it over?

Newsman: that the missile is a UGM...

- Is that it? - It was... It was just a warning.

You know, like a test. They were testing it.

No, it doesn't stop because it's over.

It's like in the war films.

The siren doesn't keep going throughout the air raid.

It just... warns you, and then it stops, and then...

- The bombs hit. - Yeah.

(news broadcast repeating)

Where are you going, Danny? Danny, where are you going?

Ralph: Thank God. 'Cause if this is the end of the world,

I don't want to see it with that lot. No offense.

(distant sirens wailing)

- (taps window) - Let me in, then.

- (engine starts) - What are you doing? Daniel?

Don't you dare! Danny!

Danny!

(panting) I knew it. Oh, my God, I knew it!

(news report continues on TV)

How long does it take for the missiles to arrive?

I've said, we don't know where it's launched from, so we don't know how

- long it takes. - We should be safe in this house.

We've got our very own little Chinaman.

- They'll leave us alone. - For God sake, Gran!

- What is that supposed to mean? - Nothing.

- Shh. - No. What does that mean?

- Nothing. - What the fuck is that supposed to mean,

you stupid old woman!

- (helicopter whirring nearby) - (Ralph sobbing)

Do you know what? I think a false alarm will do us good.

'Cause we let America get away with all that saber rattling, and...

- China is just as much to blame, and... - (static crackles)

(static crackling)

Edith? Edith, can you hear me?

[♪♪]

Oh, shit.

(distant booming)

Newsman (on TV): We can confirm

a nuclear device has detonated

on the island of Hong Sha Dao

at 17:53 Greenwich Mean Time,

02:53, within the region of the South China Sea.

Where's Edith?

- Vietnam. - How close is that?

Stephen, where's Vietnam c

- ompared to China? - I don't know. Just...

- How close is she? - What if they fire back?

- Ruby, just listen. - What if they fire back?

Calm down, please.

(yelling, clamoring)

[♪♪]

(clamoring continuing)

[♪♪]

- Stephen, what do we do? - Celeste, how the hell do I know?

Bomb the Chinese! Blow them to bits!

- I'm not in charge! - (imitating plane engine)

You can be whatever you want to be.

Do you hear me? You can be whatever you want to be.

[♪♪]

(crowd clamoring)

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

- Listen to the man. - (all shouting)

- Rosie, will you control him please? - Don't have a go at me!

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

(flames roaring)

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

What happens now?

What happens now? What happens now?

(tone drones)

(rapid ticking)

[♪♪] Sync corrections by srjanapala

[♪♪]

REPORTER: You were in Vietnam. Is that right?

For the explosion, we took this footage with drones.

Were you poisoned by radiation?

- So, how are things? Okay? - You shat on me.

I don't have the slightest wish to stay married to you, okay?

Pump number two. Thanks.

(CAMERA CLICKS)

EDITH LYONS: Hello, Viv, hello!

- (BUS HONKS) - Yes! Woo!

Don't you dare vote for her.

I will give you money not to vote.

BETHANY BISME-LYONS: Will you call me?

- You mean telephone you? When? - Yes. Now.

But you're sitting right here.

This is why I wanted to have lunch.

- (RINGTONE PINGS) - (SNAPS, PINGS)

Hello, Bethany speaking.

Oh my god.

♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪