Original subtitles

Oh!

Ma'am!

Wonderful world!

Oh!

Hi!

Oh!

Darling? Darling.

I'm pregnant!

Dr. Schultz. Dr. Schultz.

You are wanted in Surgery Two. Emergency.

Dr. Schultz, emergency, Surgery Two.

Mr. Caputo?

Yeah. That's me. That's me. Uh-huh.

Your wife just had a beautiful seven-pound baby girl, and they're both doing fine.

Hey! How 'bout that? Seven-pound baby girl.

How much did it weigh? Seven pounds.

You can go in and see your wife and daughter if you like now.

Well, don't I have to be sterile?

The nurse will furnish you with a hospital gown.

Oh, thank you, Doc. Thank you!

I mean, thank you, Doc! You're welcome.

Thank you. Thanks.

Dr. Gerald Boyer, telephone.

Dr. Gerald Boyer, telephone.

Dr. Boyer, telephone, please.

Dr. Boyer.

Who? Mr. Gardiner Fra...

Oh, yes! Mr. Fraleigh. Well, how are you, sir? What can I do for you?

Oh, not a thing, my boy.

No, I'm just calling on behalf of Mrs. Fraleigh and myself.

I can't tell you how utterly delighted we both are at the news.

You're a positive genius!

Well, I'm afraid you're giving me more credit than I deserve.

Oh, nonsense! We're eternally grateful to you, Doctor.

I'm happy to have done what I could.

Uh, just a moment, Doctor.

Doctor, I'm having a little family dinner tonight

to sort of celebrate what happened,

and it would give us great pleasure if you and your wife could be present.

Oh, that's very nice of you, but I...

Oh, please, don't say no, Doctor.

Oh, I know how busy you must be,

but couldn't you look on this visit as a house call?

Oh, Doctor, it would mean so much to us if you could be there.

Please.

All right. Very well. We'll be there.

Thank you, Doctor.

Our chauffeur will pick you up at your home.

Oh, no! It's really no trouble at all. I insist.

Good night, Mrs. Fraleigh.

Goodbye.

Oh, let me do that for you.

Oh!

All right now. Come on now. Tilt... Sit around here.

Tilt your head back.

I said back, not forward. Come on now.

I want to shampoo your hair.

I don't want you to shampoo me!

Darling, I don't have time to play games with you today.

I have a roast in the oven and Mommy's very busy. Come on. Turn around.

I don't want you to shampoo me!

Maggie, why not?

'Cause that shampoo smells ooky!

Oh, Lord. It smells like it always smells. Now smell it.

Smells like the cracks in the school yard!

Can't we use the new soap you bought?

Listen, young lady, if I didn't have a roast in the oven,

you'd get the pine tar and like it.

Mommy, the phone is ringing!

Yes, darling. I know it is.

Pick it up, honey, and find out who it is.

Hello? Who is this?

This is Daddy. Hello, Andy.

How's my big...

It was Daddy.

Oh. What did he say?

"Hello, Andy."

Did you hang up on him? Well, answer the phone and tell Daddy

that Mommy's shampooing Maggie's hair.

Go on.

Mommy's shampooing Maggie's hair.

Ask Daddy what he wants, sweetheart!

Don't hang up, An...

Oh, no, Andy.

I told Daddy.

Oh, you didn't hang up on him again... Oh, Andrew!

Now this time go in and ask Daddy what he wants,

and don't hang up until Daddy tells you to, you hear that?

Andy, before you hang up again,

tell Mommy I want to speak with her.

Keep your eyes shut tight. Daddy wants to speak to you.

Oh, Andrew, I told you that I am shampooing Maggie's hair!

Now, ask Daddy what he wants. Would you do that, please?

Mommy's shampooing Maggie's hair, and what do you want?

Just tell Mommy not to prepare dinner tonight

because we've been invited out.

And... And tell her I'll be home very soon.

Do you understand me, Andy?

Do you understand Daddy?

Did you understand me, Andy?

Andy, did you hang up again?

Andy, are you there?

Daddy, can I hang up now?

Yes, you can hang up now.

Andrew!

Come in a minute. What did Daddy say, honey?

Come on. He said that he is coming home soon.

Oh! Is that all he said?

He also said, "Andy, did you hang up again?"

You did very well, sweetheart. You really did.

There. Does the Happy Soap smell better than the ooky soap?

It does, Mommy. It smells just like my piano teacher,

and now I smell just like her.

Well, that's good.

That's better than smelling like a schoolyard any day. Ooh!

Mommy, can I have a bath and a shampoo? What?

You're not due until tomorrow night.

Huh!

Are you sure you don't mind my leaving now, Mrs. Boyer?

Oh, dear. I could serve and leave later.

I won't hear of it.

These church socials rarely start on time.

No, you go right on.

Besides, I have an excellent helper. Have you noticed?

Be careful now, honey. Don't drop it.

Well, I guess I'll be going.

I shan't be late. Oh, thank you so much, Mrs. Boyer.

All right, dear. Bye-bye. Goodbye.

Hi. Perfect timing.

Between medium and medium rare. Pretty?

Beautiful. What was it today?

A girl. Honey, didn't Andy give you my message about our being invited out to dinner?

Oh, no!

Who invited us out to dinner?

Mrs. Fraleigh, one of my patients.

I told Andy to tell you! Oh! Well, he didn't.

That's my boy. Well, you've still got time to dress.

Oh, Gerald! I've just roasted a $6.34 standing rib roast.

I'll eat it for breakfast. Oh!

Hey. Sweetheart.

What?

Did you know I'm a great doctor?

Well, I've always suspected it.

How did you find out?

I helped a lady become pregnant.

You did what?

She's been trying for 20 years.

Oh. Oh, really?

Um... Uh, what did you do?

I gave her a piece of advice.

I told her and her husband, stop trying to have a baby. Ah!

You mean stopping did it?

No, relaxing did it. Hmm.

We got a date? Mmm.

What about the children?

Let 'em get their own dates.

Mmm, but I gave Olivia the night off.

Get a sitter.

Gerry, to hire a sitter at a dollar an hour when we're paying a housekeeper,

I just think it's... It's a sin!

Bev. Even the best of us sin once in a while.

Tonight's your night.

Now, stop it.

Come on now. Tell me about Mrs. Fraleigh.

Did you really tell her to stop trying to have a baby?

I told her more than that.

I also told her to take a three-month ocean cruise with her husband.

Ah, that did it, huh?

It took the pressure off psychologically.

Hmm. How did you know it would work?

I didn't. But I knew I had three things working for me.

They were capable, they loved each other,

and there is very little to do on a three-month ocean cruise.

Ah!

Oh, you are a great doctor.

Hmm. The chauffeur's looking.

Oh, he doesn't mind.

Excuse me. You don't mind if we kiss in the backseat, do you?

Not if it pleases you, sir.

Good evening. Good evening.

Hello.

May I have your name, please?

Dr. and Mrs. Gerald Boyer.

Oh, yes. Mr. and Mrs. Wingate.

Will you follow me, please?

Mr. and Mrs...

Something.

I'm so glad you could come. Thank you.

I'm sorry we're late. We had sitter problems.

I can't wait to have that kind of problem.

So glad to meet you, Mrs. Boyer, Dr... Shh!

Shh! Damn!

Thank you. Shh!

Damn!

He means me.

Here it comes! Here it comes!

Before joining the third act of Happy Playhouse,

here is a brief word from our Happy Girl.

Hi!

I'm Spot Checker. I've just been signed to appear in a motion picture.

Of course, it's just a small part,

but all the glamorous movie stars started out by playing

small parts.

There's so many things a girl must learn

before she can become a glamorous movie star.

First of all, she has to learn what clothes to wear,

and what hairstyle.

Oh, and how to act.

A famous star once said to me,

"Spot," she said,

"it's not enough that you look like a star

"or act like a star.

"You must smell

"like a star."

So it was there and then that I learned about

Happy Soap,

the heavenly soap that smells...

Like the stars.

Mmm!

Won't you join me

and find true happiness in your bath?

Just you,

and a cake of Happy.

Couldn't sell me a cake of that soap!

That soap saved my life today.

Who said that? Put the darn lights on!

Now, who said that?

Well, I guess I did.

Who are you?

She's with me, sir.

Father, this is Dr. Boyer and his wife.

Dr. Boyer's my obstetrician. Oh, yeah!

Nice going, Doc.

Now, young lady, what the devil did you mean,

"That soap saved my life today"?

Well... Well, it was just a figure of speech, Mr. Fraleigh.

How in tarnation can a soap save your life?

Well, maybe I put it too strongly,

but if it weren't for Happy Soap, I'd still be in a hassle with my daughter.

- How's that? - You really want to hear this?

Yeah! Go on!

Well, for years I've been shampooing my daughter Maggie's hair

with a pine tar shampoo.

Huh? With a... With a pine tar shampoo.

Oh. And today she refused to let me.

Why?

Because she said the shampoo smelled like the cracks in the school yard.

Smelled like what? Shut up! Shut up! Go on! Go on!

Well, she just refused to let me wash her hair,

and heaven knows she needed it,

because her brother Andrew hit her in the head with a mud ball.

Heh! Why, that little son of a gun.

Because she hit him with one first, right smack in the mouth.

Mud ball! Right in the mouth! Ha! Go on!

Oh! Well, she, um, uh,

finally agreed to let me wash her hair,

but only if I would use Happy Soap, so I did.

And she just loved it.

She said that it made her smell like her piano teacher.

Hear that?

And then... Well, her brother Andrew insisted that I wash his hair with Happy Soap.

That's what I'm talking about!

Mud balls in the mouth!

Little kids that like to smell like their piano teacher!

Now, Dad, you shouldn't be getting excited.

"Shouldn't be getting excited"?

That's the dang trouble with you young'uns!

You never know when to get excited!

You should be shoutin' instead of me!

I should? Darn right.

Supposed to be an advertising man. Don't even know when to shout.

Father, please, we have guests.

Seems if I don't set the sticks of dynamite, no holes get dug.

Young lady, how would you like to go on the TV and say what you just said to me?

Uh, what? On television.

Why? "Why"?

Because I manufacture Happy Soap, and I think you can sell it.

But, sir, what's wrong with Spot Checker?

We've worked so closely with her.

I know how closely you work.

I thought Spot inviting people to join her in her bath was, uh, very effective.

Well, maybe they're bathing with her,

but they sure as heck aren't using Happy Soap!

I like you. Have a nut.

What you said is what I like to hear on the TV.

Never did like them skinny starlings.

"Lets," Dad. Let's what?

Starlets, Dad, not starlings.

Oh, shut up! Father, must you?

Yep. Only way to shut him up.

Well, what do you say? Next Friday on theHappy Playhouse?

Oh, Mr. Fraleigh, really, I'm very flattered,

but, um, oh, I couldn't.

Why not? I'm not an actress. I'm a housewife.

Mr. Fraleigh, I know my wife, and when she says no...

All I'm asking you to do is to say the exact thing you said to me.

Oh! Only difference is, you'll be saying it to a camera,

and they'll be paying you $332 to say it.

Mr. Fraleigh, you're wasting your time.

I know Beverly.

Gerald? Um, if it means that much, uh, to Mr. Fraleigh,

uh, maybe I could go on television.

Beverly! Next Friday! It's a deal!

Now let's eat.

Bring on the grub!

Hello.

My name is Beverly Boyer,

and I'd like to tell all of you lovely people

about something that happened at my home the other afternoon.

Oh, dear.

Now, Maggie, why aren't we eating our porridge?

It has too many lumps.

Well, we'll fix that.

Can I have Maggie's lumps?

Now, really, you don't want them.

Yes, he does!

I roll 'em in sugar, and they taste like candy.

- Good morning, group. - Good morning, Doctor.

Good morning, Daddy! Hi, Daddy.

No breakfast for me today, Olivia.

Where you goin'?

To the hospital.

Gonna deliver a baby? Mmm-hmm.

Oh, can you bring it home? Course he can't. It's not his baby.

Daddy's only the deliveryman, like the milkman.

But Daddy brought you and me home.

That's because Mommy helped with those deliveries.

Well, if she helps again, will you bring it home?

Okay, I will.

Oh, you promise, Daddy?

I promise.

So long, tiger. Hey. Mmm-mmm!

- Bye, Daddy. - Goodbye, Doctor.

Bye, Daddy. Now, come on. Drink up your milk.

You want to say ta-ta to Mommy.

We'll be tardy for school. Come on.

Hi, there.

My name is Beverly Boyer, and I'm a housewife,

and I'd like to tell all of you

about what happened at my house just the other night.

Hi!

Oh! Hello!

Hi, folks.

My name is Beverly Boyer, and I'm a housewife.

Mommy, why are you talking to your mirror?

Oh! Why are you talking to your mirror?

Oh, honey, Mother's not talking to the mirror.

She's practicing. To say your name?

No, silly. I know my name.

- Hey, you know what? - What?

What, what, what?

Mommy's gonna be on television.

- On television? - Yeah!

Can we watch ya? Can we watch it? Can we watch it?

Yes, you can! You can watch it. Now, wait a minute.

It might be a little bit late for you, so we have to ask Daddy.

Yay! Mommy's gonna be on television!

Oh, now, isn't that nice?

How about that?

There's your ride, children.

Hurry. Kiss Mommy Goodbye.

Come on. Hurry up.

Mommy's gonna be a big television star!

I love you! Goodbye!

Goodbye, Mommy.

Hello. I'm Beverly Boyer,

and I'm going to be a big television star.

Oh!

So, none of you knows anything.

When's Mommy comin' on?

Shh! Soon, Andy.

And you know of no, uh, Allied forces

in the area? No.

Is that Mommy?

No, Mommy doesn't have black hair.

You're a very obstinate, proud people,

but we have ways to make you remember.

You are completely innocent, aren't you?

Know absolutely nothing.

Hmm?

Very well.

We have ways of making you remember

these little, unimportant details.

Ways you will not forget.

All right, guard. Take them away!

Uh, the young girl, let her stay.

Maybe, mademoiselle, you would care for a glass of wine?

It is an excellent wine.

Perhaps I will take the wine.

Ah! That is better.

Ah, yes, Fraeulein, you will learn,

as, uh, your people will have to,

that if they want to, uh, fill their stomachs again,

they will have to swallow a little pride

along with the food.

You... Guards!

You... You pig!

And what are you if I am a pig?

You're on!

Oh! Oh, hello. I'm Beverly Boyer, and I'm a pig.

Pig? Pig!

Pig? Pig!

What did Mommy say?

She said she was a pig.

Move over! Move over! I'm sorry.

Get over there!

May I start again, please? Go ahead.

Uh, hello.

Uh, my name is Beverly Boyer, and I'm a housewife.

Be quiet.

And, um, what I'd like to tell you is, um,

about how Happy Soap saved my life.

Um, last week, oh, I was in such a hassle with my daughter Maggie.

Um, she wouldn't let me wash her hair with our regular shampoo,

and, um, she said that it, um... Um...

It smelled like the cracks in the school yard.

Shh! Shh!

Well, you know how children can get, and, uh...

Anyway, that afternoon I purchased several bars of Happy Soap.

Pick up the bar.

The other bar.

And, um... Turn it around!

Um... Uh...

Um, and she insisted that I wash her hair with the new soap.

Not new.

Oh! Oh. No.

No, Happy Soap is not a new soap. It's, um...

It's an old soap.

And I just had never used it before.

You have used it.

I haven't.

I really have not used this soap before.

And anyway, what I want to tell you is

that I did use it to shampoo her hair, and she loved it.

Quiet.

And she said to me, "Oh, Mommy,

"now I smell like my piano teacher."

She did.

And all I want to say is that the soap worked just fine,

and it got rid of all the traces of the mud balls.

Mud balls? Yeah! Mud balls!

Cut. Cut!

Bye.

Smile.

Keep smiling.

Keep smiling.

Take it off her. She's not gonna say anything else.

That'll be four and a quarter, lady.

Keep the change. Oh, thanks.

Listen, lady, I don't know what he did to you,

but like I always say, "To err is human, and to forgive is human-er."

That-a-way, lady. Forgive and forget.

If you'll forgive, I'll try to forget.

Oh, was it really that bad, sweetheart?

If anybody ever asks me to go on television again, I hope that you'll just...

I will. I'll beat 'em off with my stethoscope.

Mmm.

I know.

Yeah, you heard me! I said I want that girl!

But, Dad, we already have a commitment with Spot Checker.

Thirty-four more baths at $1,500 a bath.

Tell her she's washed up.

Dad, I think you're being a little premature.

You do, huh?

Don't you read the papers?

"Last night on Happy Playhouse,

"the only moment of originality was produced

"by a disarming young lady who delivered the commercial.

"It's a sad day for television when the sponsor's message

"has more value than the play."

Get her!

Beverly is my new Happy Girl!

Hi, Daddy! Aw, you're not my daddy.

You're a wise child. Is your mother home?

Who is it, Andrew?

It's not Daddy. It's a man.

Take me to your mother.

Well, who is it?

It's Mike Palmer.

Oh. Uh, I'm sorry, Mr. Palmer, but I'm... I'm very busy.

Mrs. Boyer, would you consider becoming the television spokeswoman

for Happy Soap?

I don't think that's a bit funny.

I'm serious.

They want you to sell Happy Soap.

That's ridiculous!

I was terrible!

I stammered all over the place. I looked like an idiot.

Yes, I thought so.

But, uh, old Tom was enchanted with your stammering.

Do you mean... Do you mean that you're actually offering me a job?

Not me, the old man.

Well, I'm not interested. I will never go on television again, ever.

I am definitely not interested.

I think if you heard the amount, you might be.

You don't know me very well, Mr. Palmer.

Uh, may I, please? Thank you.

Now, if you don't mind, I really have a lot of work to do.

Do you, uh...

You... You bottle your own ketchup?

Yes. Yes, I do.

Oh, here. Allow me.

There we go. Where do you want it?

Put it right here, please. All right.

Thank you very much. Goodbye, Mr. Palmer.

You know, I have never seen anybody make ketchup before. It's a fascinating...

Mr. Palmer, I told you before, I am not going on television.

I have never been so embarrassed in my life.

I made a fool of myself.

Well, there are about 1,200 people who didn't think so.

Well, what 1,200 people?

The 1,200 people who called up right after the show and said

that you were the most refreshing, sincere person who ever sold a bar of soap.

Oh! They were laughing at me in the studio.

- Well, for just a few seconds there, you were... - You were funny.

But look, when you got down to selling soap, you sure sold soap.

No. There's nothing you can say that will make me change my mind.

So you can just take your $332 and... And... And please leave.

I'm leaving.

But, uh, with more than $332.

I don't care if it's 500.

It's more than twice that.

A thousand dollars? That's ridiculous!

Not as ridiculous as $1,500...

A week.

$1,500 a week? For 52 weeks.

Fif...

How much... How much is 52 times 1,500?

About 80,000.

Oh!

Oh! Mrs. Boyer!

Mrs. Boyer! Oh! Are you all right?

Hey! How's my favorite son, huh?

Mommy's in the cellar with a man.

Oh? Anyone we know?

No, Daddy. We don't know him.

Did you say 80... $80,000?

Yes. Yes, $80,000. Here. Let me help you up.

- What you doin', folks? - What?

Uh, making ketchup, dear.

Um... Uh, you know... You know Mike Palmer.

Yes, I remember Mr. Palmer. Yes.

Uh, well, Mr. Palmer... He was just telling me... Allow me.

Oh. Right. Sorry. You're very gallant, sir.

Come all the way from the city just to help a lady out of a basket of tomatoes.

Well. You did tell him no.

No?

Uh... Um... What do you mean?

Mommy, you've got tomatoes all over ya! Yes, darling, I know.

I assume he offered you a job. I read the reviews.

Uh, Andy, please don't do that, dear.

I was just wiping the tomatoes off of you. I'll take care of it.

You go on out and play, would you, please? Um...

Can I play with the tomatoes? No.

I like to squish 'em around.

Would you... Will you please stop that, Andrew... Andrew!

And do as you're told? Well, darling?

Well, um... Um, actually,

um, Mr. Palmer did offer me a job.

He did.

But I turned him down flat... Many times.

Even asked me to leave. I did.

Go on.

And, um...

But I just couldn't say no to $80,000!

80,000? Yes!

- That's ridiculous! - That's just what I said.

Well, look, I'm sure that you two would be most comfortable and happy

discussing my ridiculous offer in private.

I'll call you tomorrow. Bye now.

Beverly. Huh?

Beverly, what are you thinking?

Um... Uh... I'm thinking of taking a shower.

Beverly!

Well, for one thing, you'll be leaving the children alone too often.

And I can't believe they're going to pay you $80,000

just to come down to the studio once a week.

Why is Daddy yelling at Mommy?

'Cause Mommy wants to be a TV star,

and Daddy doesn't want her to be.

Oh, that's mean!

It's not as if we need the money.

Our bank balance is healthy.

There's no reason for you to work.

Dr. Boyer, you are a fraud!

Oh! Well, now, how did you arrive at that?

Oh! I've got you now, dear.

I've got you now, right here, and I quote,

"In some cases, household duties, important as they are,

"are not sufficient to gratify a woman's desire for expression.

"Mrs. America might do well to start early in her marriage

"a planned cultivation of outside interests and hobbies."

Ridiculous! Ah, you wrote it, darling.

I know I did, but it doesn't pertain to you.

Oh, it doesn't? Certainly not.

You mean, you're planning for our kids to remain young forever.

Of course I'm not.

Daddy's not planning for us to remain young.

Can he do that?

You have outside interests and hobbies.

You have the PTA, and you make your own ketchup.

The PTA and home-bottled ketchup.

That is it, and it's not very fulfilling.

Oh. Well, I didn't realize your life lacked fulfillment.

You've always shouted how being a doctor's wife was career enough.

Oh, it is. Darling, I didn't mean to sound as if I'm unhappy.

I'm very happy, and you know that.

But... But selling Happy Soap would make you happier.

You know that I would never consciously go out looking for a job, don't you?

But to have something like this just land in my lap...

Honey. Honey?

It's only once a week.

And I won't let anything interfere with my wifely duties. I promise.

Shot down by my own artillery.

Mmm!

The program is over at 9:00, so I should be home by 10:30, Olivia.

And, um... Oh, Andrew hasn't had his vitamin pills, so see that he gets those.

And Maggie wants to wear her flowered panties to school tomorrow,

so you'll have to hand wash them, if you don't mind.

I will.

And let me think. Oh, yeah. If Dr. Boyer comes home before I do,

tell him there's a note in the kitchen on the board.

You know, the children want to watch me on television tonight,

and, um, I said absolutely not because it's too late.

So if they give you an argument, Olivia, you let 'em watch.

Children! Mommy's leaving. Come on. Hurry up. I'm late.

I want a kiss.

Bye, Mommy! Bye, Mommy!

Goodbye... Oh! What have you been doing?

I thought they were watching television. Oh!

I'm making Andy's hair smell happy again, like my piano teacher!

Mommy, the happy smell wore off.

Something else is gonna wear off if you don't get up in that bathroom right away!

Now hurry up. You know better than that. Olivia, I'm so late.

I'll take care of the little devils. All right.

Make sure they don't drown each other! Goodbye! Goodbye, all!

See ya!

What did he say? "The happy smell wore off"?

"Mommy, the happy smell wore off."

Those were his exact words.

And, um, well, there he was, standing in the hallway

with a head full of shampoo dripping all over my nice blue rug.

Oh, boy. Is he gonna get it when I get home.

Maggie said she was making his hair smell happy.

I... I know it sounds silly, of course,

but I always say, "Don't knock it till you try it."

And, um, uh, tonight I'm going to go home

and shampoo my hair with Happy Soap,

and I'll let you know.

Oh! Oh. Um, I meant to tell you,

uh, don't forget you can shower with it.

And we know it's good for that.

Bye.

We will return to the third act of Happy Playhouse...

...after a brief pause. Gentlemen, what do you think?

Would you hire her to sell soap?

It's difficult to make a snap appraisal until we test-market her potential.

I'd have to go along with Billings on that.

I'd rather not comment until exploratory samplings can be made.

Well, I advised against it, but they hired her anyway.

You mean she's already been hired?

One year, solid. But why?

Because my dad ordered it.

Oh. Well, uh, now that I think about it,

I'm inclined to go along with your dad.

She has a new and honest approach to the product.

Yes, yes. I'm tempted to go along with Billings going along with your dad.

She does have a...

New and honest approach?

Yes, yes! I'll go along with that.

What do you think, Van Camp?

Oh, I quite agree.

With what? Well, with everything.

Good thinking.

Come in.

Mrs. Boyer!

We were just talking about you.

Mike. Was I all right? Really?

You were wonderful. I was so nervous.

Oh! I wish you'd write things out for me.

I didn't know... Mrs. Boyer.

Hello, Mr. Fraleigh.

Uh, Mr. Billings, Mr. Stokely, Mr. Van Camp.

- How do you do, gentlemen? - How do you do?

You were just fine, Mrs. Boyer.

That's exactly what Dad wants.

Oh, good! I hope I pleased him.

You were delightful. We'll tell you all about it at the party tonight.

Oh, good. Oh, what party? It's at the Cartier Hotel.

I want all my staff and network people to meet you.

Oh! Oh, I didn't know about a party.

Oh?

No.

Uh, and my husband's expecting me at home.

Oh, well, he would be perfectly welcome to join us.

After all, you are our guest of honor.

Why, certainly!

Oh, really?

Oh. Oh, that's very nice.

Um... Uh, maybe I could call him at the hospital

and he could meet me at the party

when he... When he's finished.

Fine. Fine. That's fine. Oh, I'll do that. Good.

Well, I hate to be a killjoy, but shouldn't we watch the art we're sponsoring this week?

Oh, good heavens.

Third act. Third act.

Mike, uh, may I phone from here?

Yeah, sure. Right here.

Oh, hello. Is Dr. Boyer there, please?

Oh. Yes, I'll wait.

Lorraine, what a surprise.

You will join me in a glass of champagne, won't you?

Waiter? Another glass, please.

Well, what a pleasant surprise.

I must say you're looking marvelously well, my dear.

And in honor of this occasion, I'd like to propose a toast.

To you, Lorraine. Thank heavens I didn't marry you.

Tell me, do you still have those magnificent, soft, white shoulders?

Whom do you tantalize with them now?

You...

You... You tramp!

- Waiter! - You tramp!

Hey. Isn't that scene like the one last week

with the Nazi and that woman, you know?

Similar, but the public doesn't notice things like that.

They did that play last week,

except they wore different costumes.

Yeah, it's the same story.

It's much too subtle a variation for the public to detect.

Yes.

Oh, no, don't bother him now.

But would you please, um, give him a message?

He's to meet you at the Cartier Hotel in the private dining room.

Till 1:00.

All right, Mrs. Boyer. I'll see he gets the message.

Dr. Krindle, you are wanted in Surgery One.

Oh, hello. Uh, I'm trying to get in touch with Mrs. Beverly Boyer.

There ain't nobody here now.

Beverly? Oh, the one that did the commercial.

Hey, cute girl.

She's gonna be on next week.

Why don't you try and give her a ring then?

Thanks, I'll do that.

Thank you.

Excuse me. Oh, excuse me.

Oh, Beverly.

Oh, you must be so proud of yourself.

I'd be absolutely petrified if I had to stand in front of a camera.

I was! I was a nervous wreck.

Oh, I didn't know what I was going to say. Oh.

I just sort of rattled on and on.

Your rattling is what made that commercial.

Really, it's so refreshing to hear someone speak so naturally

and so honestly about a product.

Thank you, Mrs. Fraleigh. We're pleased that you like our new approach.

Your new approach?

Why, yes. It's been on our launching pad for quite a while.

Just waited until we found our little astronaut.

We haven't seen Dr. Boyer.

Oh, that's right!

Um, what time is it, please, Mr. Fraleigh?

After 1:00. Is it?

Oh, well, he should be along any minute now.

"Cold fried chicken in the meat keeper.

"Will be home about 10:30.

"And I love you. Bev."

Olivia?

Olivia? Are you awake?

Olivia, are you asleep?

- Olivia. - Who are you and what do you want?

Oh! It's me!

Oh!

Oh, Dr. Boyer, I'm terribly sorry.

I didn't know it was you.

Do you always sleep with a bat?

Well, you read such awful things in the newspapers.

A girl can't be too careful.

What was it you wanted?

Did my wife call tonight?

It's after 1:00. She's not home yet.

You mean she isn't in the house?

No, she isn't.

You mean you and I are here alone?

Now, calm yourself, Olivia. I didn't come here for any foul purpose.

- I... I... Here, Olivia. - Get out of my room!

Now, Olivia! Get out of my room! Get out of my room!

And I hereby tender my resignation!

Accepted!

Mommy! Mommy, I'm scared!

Hello. Andy. Mommy, I'm scared.

You're home? Yes! And where the devil are you?

Mommy, I'm scared! Andy, it's all right.

Gerald, what is going on around there?

Is... Is that Andy crying?

Yes. Well, what woke him?

Olivia was screaming.

Olivia? What was she screaming about?

She thought I wanted to get into bed with her.

She thought you wanted to... What?

I'll be right home.

Where have you been? Gerald, what happened?

Olivia, your taxi's here.

Olivia, where are you going?

I'm leaving.

I'll not linger in this den of iniquity one moment longer.

But, Olivia, you were so happy here,

and you know we all love you.

Well, I don't need that kind of love.

Olivia!

Gerald Boyer, will you please tell me what went on in here tonight?

All I can tell you is if you'd been home where you belong...

Whatever went on would not have gone on.

Where are you going?

It is all right if I take time out from my household duties to deliver a baby.

Mommy, Mommy, I'm scared!

Mommy, I'm scared! Oh!

Look into the lens.

Wet your lips. Now, love that soap.

Good! Good!

Got it.

Mike. Mike?

I think kissing the bar of soap is a bit much, really.

The caption will read, "Happy Soap saved my life."

You'd kiss someone who saved your life, wouldn't ya?

Just one more now, darling.

How much longer will I be, please?

Just once more, dear.

I've got to get going, Mike. I've got a new maid, and I...

She's gonna run into difficulties if I... Beverly, please!

Yeah, honey. Let's... Let's just get this one last one now.

Good! Good.

Hello. What is it?

Hello. This is Dr. Boyer.

Dr. Boyer nicht home. He hospital.

No, I'm Dr. Boyer. I'd like to speak to Mrs. Boyer.

Mrs. Boyer picture parlor.

Ich sag nein! Doctor not home!

Hello. Hello?

I guess I'm not home.

Miss Thompson.

Yes, Doctor?

Do you speak any German?

A little high school German.

Would you please call my home and try to make the new housekeeper understand

that I will be home for dinner, but I'll be a little late?

I'll try, Doctor.

I'll get it, Mrs. Goethe!

Hello.

Hallo. My name ist Fraeulein Thompson.

Ich bin eine krankenschwester.

Oh, uh, what...

Oh! Oh, um,

ein moment, please... Bitte... Bitte!

Uh, Mrs. Goethe, it's for you!

Hallo. Was ist?

Uh, ich call for Dr. Boyer.

Doctor not home!

Call spaeter, ja?

She says you're not home.

She's right.

Hey! Oh, darling, I didn't expect you tonight. You should have called me.

Well, I did, but every time I called, I found out I wasn't home.

What? Oh, never mind.

Hi, Doc!

Your wife's gonna be queen of the 10-second station breaks.

I'm filming a commercial.

What time will you be home?

I'm sort of free tonight. No babies due.

Well, I shouldn't be too long, should I?

It's only a 10-second commercial.

Kiss me for good luck, darling.

It's my first film.

Oh! Goodbye, darling!

You're tired? Good night. Thank you.

No, I'm fine, Mike, except it took so much longer than I thought it was gonna take.

Well, you were wonderful. Was I?

You were. I tell you, you just have this... Thank you.

Oh, darling! Darling, I'm so sorry I'm late.

A 10-second commercial?

Yeah. Well, I'll just drift off. Good night. It was wonderful.

Good night, Mike. Thank you. Good night.

Oh, honey, I just didn't dream it was gonna be as complicated as it was.

You have no idea how long everything took, the makeup and the costumes and the hair.

Where are you going? A baby that wasn't due decided it was.

Oh. You better not wait up for me.

Oh, sweetheart, it won't always be this hectic, I promise you.

I hope not. Good night.

Ah! Hello, Herr Doctor. Hello, Mrs. Goethe.

I don't imagine Mrs. Boyer's home.

Ja. Missus home.

That's a surprise. Vat you say?

Nothing. I didn't see her car in the driveway.

Ah, car! Car in back house. Oh, in the garage?

Ja. Missus upstairs. Oh, she pretty!

- All dressed up! - Pretty?

Ja! Is that so?

Ja.

Ah. You want something eat?

Oh, perhaps... Later.

Mmm-hmm.

Oh! You pretty too!

Hmm.

Oh! Oh, Gerald!

Oh, honey, are you all right?

Oh, darling. Darling? Darling.

Are you all right? Oh.

We were taking pictures, sweetheart.

Yes, we wanted to do this at the studio, but we...

Yes, they did. And I thought it was a good idea to do it here.

Oh! Mike, would you leave us alone for a minute?

Yeah, yeah. All right, fellas. Let's take a break.

Sweetheart. Oh.

Oh.

So this was your idea?

Darling, I did it for you.

For me? You had all this brought in here for me? How thoughtful.

I meant us.

Darling, we've seen each other so little lately

that I thought, instead of going to a studio,

if I were to do the layout here at home...

Oh, we'd get a chance to see each other.

Yes.

I'll be finished in a couple of hours.

I'm due at the hospital in a couple of hours.

Oh.

Well, I'll just have the photographers wait,

and then they can get their shots after you leave.

Oh, and we could "see each other,"

while they wait in the hall?

Gerald Boyer!

Where are you going?

I am going to take a drive in an open convertible

and try very hard to cool off!

Hey! Why don't you look what you're doing?

Let me have your driver's license, mister.

What? Oh. Oh. It's all right, Officer. I'm a doctor.

I don't care if you're Peter Pan.

That's no reason to stop short like that. Give me your driver's license.

Mmm-hmm. But that's my wife up there.

That's very nice.

Well, wouldn't you stop and look if you suddenly saw your wife

staring down at you from a billboard?

I wouldn't stop and look if my wife was hangin' up there.

Here. Now, get that car out of here.

And the next time, look at your wife at home, will ya?

I would if she was ever there.

Ten bucks just to look at my wife?

There. Some vitamins and minerals I'd like you to take.

Mmm-hmm. Doctor, couldn't you give me a little clue

as to when I might expect it?

I know how impatient you are, Mrs. Fraleigh,

but really there's nothing to do now but wait.

You may not believe it, Doctor,

but I am really not impatient.

I've waited such a long time for this experience,

I'm savoring every minute of it.

You know something?

I've... I've been taking very long walks up and down Fifth Avenue.

Fine. Exercise is very important.

I don't walk for the exercise.

I walk to show off.

I'm proud of my condition. Is that silly?

Silly? That's about the healthiest attitude you could have.

Oh, I don't know when I've been so happy.

Oh, I guess there's nothing more fulfilling in life than having a baby.

Oh! Listen to me...

Something you've probably heard a thousand times.

But never stated so beautifully.

Thank you, Doctor. I'll see you next week.

If not before.

Oh!

There's nothing more fulfilling in life than having a baby.

Miss Thompson, would you come in, please?

Yes, Doctor?

Miss Thompson,

would you please send three dozen roses to my home

and a couple of bottles of champagne, imported,

then reserve a table at the Ritz Pavilion.

And call Mrs. Boyer and have her meet me there at 8:00.

Yes, Doctor. Is it Mrs. Boyer's birthday?

Her birthday? No. No, not exactly.

But it may be somebody's.

Party of four. 10:00? Yes, sir.

Oh, this is a marvelous idea.

I should have invited you out weeks ago. Yes.

Yes, sir? Yes. I have a reservation. Dr. Gerald Boyer.

Oh, yes, Dr. Boyer.

There will be a little waiting.

Your table will be ready soon.

I made the reservation for 8:00. It's after that now.

I am sorry, sir. We have been rather busy tonight. Please.

Oh, aren't you... Aren't you Beverly Boyer, the Happy Girl?

Yes, I am.

Oh, may I have your autograph

for my little granddaughter?

She's only three... Thank you.

But she just loves to listen to you talk about your soap.

Really? Oh, how nice.

How stupid of me, Miss Boyer. Please forgive me.

Of course I have a table for you.

Thank you. Waiter.

Table three for Miss Boyer and party.

Please follow me.

Thank you.

Perhaps Miss Beverly wish to have some wine.

Uh, we'd like some champagne, please.

Well!

Thank you. Excuse me.

Aren't you the Happy Girl, Beverly?

Yes, I am. Oh. See, Lena, I told you.

May we have your autograph, Miss Beverly?

Mmm-hmm. My niece's daughter would adore it.

Do you have a pen?

Oh. Uh, I don't know what...

Oh, here. Here, dear. Thank you.

Now me.

It's for a neighbor's child. Would you personalize it?

Just write, "To Georgie, a sweet, darling little boy of whom I am very fond of."

And sign it.

Pardon me, but are you anybody?

Well...

This is my husband.

Oh, Mr. Beverly!

No. Dr. Beverly.

I mean Dr. Boyer.

- Married to a doctor. - Isn't that nice?

We'll be watching you, remember, on TV, Beverly.

You remember to wave to us.

Thank you. Uh, my pen.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, darling, I'm sorry. What a thing to say.

That's all right, sweetheart. I'm not that sensitive.

It is Beverly Boyer.

You're so much prettier on television. I didn't recognize you.

Aren't you the announcer who says, "Here she is, Miss Beverly"?

I take it back. I am that sensitive. Come on, sweetheart.

Oh! But, Miss Beverly, I want your autograph.

Please, won't you... I'm sorry.

We don't have a pen.

Uh... Oh.

Has it ever occurred to any of you college brains

that we're not making full use of our girl?

But, Dad, she has been on the air every Friday for the past five months.

She is on billboards. Spot commercials.

Magazines. Radio.

Newspapers. What else is there?

What else is there?

There's Happy Detergent, you boobs.

Get another program and let her sell detergent.

Yes, Dad. Well, what kind of program, Dad?

What's the difference?

Get me one of them damn shows where everybody in the family is smarter than the father.

Or buy me a tall marshal with a goofy sidekick.

Don't matter.

Come on!

Look at the color.

Andy, it's not a toy. It's a new set.

Now... You've gone too far.

One more.

That's enough.

Pour one.

We don't serve drinks to killers.

Now, Kitty, who'd I ever kill?

My father and my brother, to name two.

Bartender, a bottle and two glasses.

Don't you two think you'd be more comfortable in bed?

We wanna see Mommy first.

We didn't see Mommy today.

Ja, they nicht see Mama today.

First they school and then Mama go to pretty parlor, and then...

All right, all right. You can see Mommy.

But right after Mommy to bed, huh? ...know me better than that.

All right, Kitty.

Pour. Pour!

She's gonna hit him on the head with the bottle.

But first she's gonna spritz him.

I'm not gonna hurt you, Kitty.

Why, you... You...

You... You floozy!

You... You tramp!

In a moment, we'll see the conclusion

of this week's episode of Marshal Tucker, M.D.

But first, an important message

from our Happy Girl, Beverly Boyer.

Hi.

You know, it really seems funny talking to you on a Tuesday night,

since Friday's been my day to tell people about Happy Soap.

Well, they still haven't seen their Mommy today.

Mrs. Goethe. Oh.

'Course, I don't want you to get your hopes up too high,

because you're still going to hear a commercial.

Unless, of course, you decide to go to the kitchen

for a sandwich or a, you know, bottle of beer.

I'm going to tell you about another Happy product.

Happy Detergent.

Now, its label makes many claims.

It says it's good for dishes,

clothes, woodwork,

and even the tile around your swimming pool.

Of course, I wouldn't know about that

because, you see, I don't have a pool,

and I'm certainly not about to put one in

just to, um, test this.

But I do know this,

that the Happy people make a fine product,

and they wouldn't lie.

Bye.

Good girl! Turn her off! Turn her off!

Is that you, Palmer?

Get her a swimming pool.

Damn the cost.

I want it in her backyard in time for the next commercial.

You don't have to get permission. I want it to be a surprise.

Now get over there and start diggin'.

I want it in by tomorrow night.

Give me a nut.

Good morning. I think you wait for missus.

She come soon.

Ah-ah!

She don't tell me she order hole.

Oh, well, now, don't worry, Mrs. Goethe.

This is a surprise.

When will Mrs. Boyer be back?

Ah, she come for lunch, 12:00, and then you see.

Ah!

Mom, could we play golf till lunch is ready?

Yes, darling, you can play in the backyard.

Hooray! Hooray! Come on, Maggie. You be the caddie.

Don't chop up the lawn like Daddy.

Mrs. Goethe. Mrs. Goethe, you're speaking in German again, dear.

I don't know what you're saying. Mommy! Mommy!

Darling, please go out and play in the yard.

Please. Mrs... There's no backyard.

They took it away.

Andrew, now, really... Honest, Mommy. Come and look.

All right. Go!

I guess we have to play games.

Who did that? I didn't, Mommy.

I didn't even swing my club once.

No, he didn't do it, Mommy.

But who did that?

Maybe Daddy did.

Compliments of Happy Detergent.

One filtered swimming pool.

What?

A swimming pool?

For your children to swim in and for you to do commercials.

Oh, but this is ridiculous.

Does my husband know about this?

Why, no. We thought you'd like to surprise him with it.

Oh! Surprise him!

Well, don't tell me he would object

to someone giving you a free swimming pool.

Oh, Mike, ever since that night at the restaurant,

he objects to everything I get...

Money, compliments, pools.

Pools?

Oh, Mike!

All right, now, Stanley, we want a real high pyramid.

Make a real... High up as you can get it.

All right. Straight line.

Right... Right along here. Use all these boxes.

There's nothing more fulfilling in life than having a baby.

Hi.

Hi.

Sweetheart,

I'd like to apologize for my behavior.

These last few weeks, I've been, well,

less than a loving husband.

Oh, darling, I haven't given you much of a chance to be,

ever since that night at the restaurant.

I know. I'm sorry.

I would like to make it up to you.

When?

Well...

Do you have any plans for tonight?

No.

I was just waiting for a call from my husband.

What was that?

Mmm.

Sounds like rain.

Mmm-hmm.

I left the top down on the convertible.

I guess I'm gonna have to put it in the garage.

Mmm.

Hey. Hmm?

Don't you run off.

The pool!

Gerald!

Gerry!

What?

I... Gerry, I forgot to tell you we have a pool!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Gerald, I'm coming.

Darling, I'm coming.

Oh! Oh, darling, you're dripping wet.

Where did the pool come from? Oh, oh, oh.

Why, darling, you must be chilled to the bone. It's a heated pool.

How did it get here?

Please don't shout.

I have to shout to be heard over that bilge pump.

It's a filter, darling. I know what it is.

I wanna know how it got in my backyard.

Please be quiet and I'll tell you.

Why do you have to get so excited, darling?

Excited?

I just drove my car into a swimming pool.

Gerald. Oh, Gerald, you always said you wanted a pool.

Yes, but don't you think I should be consulted

before you spent $5,000 of our money?

Oh, so that's what it is.

Darling, I didn't spend one cent of our money.

Oh, I see. It's come to that.

Come to what? Oh!

Our money and your money.

Well, let me tell you. This is still our house

and our backyard and our children.

And when we build a swimming pool, it will be built with our money.

And what is our money?

Our money is what I earn by being a doctor.

Oh, and what I earn is not ours?

It's yours!

Ooh!

You mean that I'm not allowed to participate in this household?

What's mine is mine, and what's yours is ours?

If you like.

Well, I don't like.

Whatever happened to my rights as a woman?

I'll tell you what happened to them.

They grew and they grew until they suffocated my rights as a man.

Whoever said all men are created equal

didn't anticipate a woman making $100,000 a year

and spending it on swimming pools.

I did not spend it on swimming pools!

And you're gonna wake the children. Good.

It'll give 'em a chance to get reacquainted with their mother.

By the way, how many minutes did they see you today?

Oh, many more minutes than they've seen you, Dr. Boyer.

Oh, I've got to hand it to you, Beverly. Now you have finally done it.

Done what?

You have finally succeeded in equating the delivery of a baby

with the delivery of a commercial.

Oh!

What are you doing?

I am filling this suitcase with my clothes.

Oh, really? Well, I'll help you.

And I'm gonna continue to do it

until you give up this asinine career and go back to being a wife.

Go back to being a wife? Yes.

That's mine. Give me that.

I'm the kind of a husband who likes to see his wife,

and not staring at him from a billboard

or looking up at him from a magazine ad.

I wanna see her, and I wanna see her in person, and often.

Are you giving me an ultimatum?

Yes, damn it!

Well, that just...

You can see me on page 41!

You might need this.

You can reach me at the office

if you get tired of kissing soap.

You ask her.

But her eyes are closed,

and Mommy said never to wake her if her eyes are closed.

They're not closed tight. Look.

They look tight.

There's a little slit in this one. See?

I don't see no slit.

Right there.

Oh, now I see it. It's a big slit.

- Good morning. - Good morning, Mommy.

Are you awake?

What is it?

Could we go out and play in the snow?

Do we have to put our snowsuits on, Mommy?

Mmm-hmm.

Will you go help us build a snowman?

Hmm? What?

A snowman.

Andrew.

There's no snow, sweetheart.

Yes, there is. Out in the backyard.

It didn't snow in the front. Mmm-mmm.

Honest, Mommy. Honest, Mommy. Come and look.

Oh, I'm so tired.

Oh! Oh!

Do I have to do this? Huh?

What is out here now? What are you showing me?

What? What is... What is this?

It's slippery.

Oh!

What is this? Oh!

Where are you? Come out of here.

Ah!

Come on. It's... Oh!

Come on here.

Ah!

What are we going to do?

Coming!

Oh. Hello. Hi ya.

Are you the lady that called about the stuff?

Yes. It's in the backyard, right around there.

I know it's none of my business, lady,

but how did you happen to get three truckloads of potatoes in your backyard?

Potatoes?

Yeah. It says so right here. "Pick up spuds."

Oh, no, that's a mistake.

Well, I figured it was.

What kind of a nut would have three truckloads of spuds in their backyard?

No, it's "suds".

Suds?

Suds.

It's beautiful!

Yeah, it's... It's like heaven.

That's the closest to heaven you'll ever get.

It's almost a shame to bust the thing up.

Look at the different shapes. That has an angel with wings.

Hey, yeah. That looks like one of Santy's reindeers.

Hey, there's a naked lady.

Where?

- Ah, the wind ruined it. - Blew the best parts away.

Aw!

Look, guys, you two take the angel with the wings.

You two take that reindeer.

I'll take the naked lady.

Aw!

Be careful of this stuff.

I love this kind of work.

This is the best-smelling garbage I ever handled.

Hey, I lost the lady's head. Wait a minute. Here it is.

How do you keep this on the shovel?

Watch it.

Oh, pardon me. Do you know if they're sending the crane over?

A crane? Lady, you've gotta be kidding. This stuff ain't that heavy.

Oh, not for this. There's a car at the bottom of the pool.

A car? Yes.

You mean... Like an automobile? Exactly.

Lady, how the heck did you ever man... I can't go into it now,

but it's down there, believe me.

Hey, guys.

The lady says there's a car at the bottom of the pool.

No foolin'? A regular car? A regular car.

Hey, how about that? What kind of car is it?

A convertible. And you can't miss it. It's the only one down there.

She probably overloaded her washing machine.

They tell you not to,

but some people just don't read the boxes.

Mmm-hmm.

All right, now, stand back, folks. We're gonna haul'er up.

Okay, Charlie, take'er up.

Oh, good morning, Dr. Ehrlich.

Mmm-hmm.

Oh, I... I just spent the night in a hotel.

Mmm-hmm!

Miss Thompson.

Miss Thompson!

Yes, Doctor?

I wonder if I could borrow a match, Doctor.

Oh, certainly.

Thank you.

Oh, I'm sorry. Your matches.

Hmm. I had matches in my pocket all the time. What do you think of that?

What do you think of it?

What do I think of it?

You mean what's the hidden psychiatric meaning

behind my borrowing a match when I already had matches?

Well, I'd call it absentmindedness.

I'm sure that you would diagnose it

as a... A convenient subconscious attempt

for me to come in here and chat with you.

Do you have a minute, Doctor?

Mmm-hmm.

- Hallo. - It's only me, Mrs. G.

Oh!

Hi.

Am I welcome?

Welcome home, darling!

Forgive me?

Oh. Forgive you? Mmm-hmm.

For acting like a Victorian fool.

For refusing to accept the fact that you have a career.

Oh, darling, do you mean that?

Of course I do.

Oh!

Naturally, I'll have to readjust my life a bit.

You'd readjust your life for me?

You're my wife, aren't you?

Oh, yes, darling, I am. Mmm.

Sweetheart, I've got to get back to the office. Mmm-mmm.

Honey, I've got patients waiting. I don't want you to go.

I must.

Well, would you come home early?

I'll bake you something special.

With r-r-rum.

R-r-rum?

Oh, not tonight, honey. I forgot. I'm sorry.

I've been invited to this bachelor party.

One of the residents at the hospital is getting married.

Darling, do you have to go?

Honey, I have to. It's a bore...

Sweetheart, you don't need a tuxedo for a bachelor... It's a formal bachelor party.

So long, sweetheart. You'd better not wait up for me.

Bye.

Okay.

Here.

And away we go.

Where did Herr Doctor go?

To readjust his life.

Ah! So? Good.

Would you care for a picture, sir? No?

Oh, young lady.

Oh, would you care for a picture, sir? Yes, please.

Okay.

Ready? Shoot.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you, Miss Thompson.

Oh! Good morning, dear.

Do I have time for a shower before breakfast?

Yes, you do, dear.

Honey, sweetheart, I'm surprised at you. I... I...

Letting me go into the shower without my underwear.

Well, was the bachelor party fun?

It was okay.

Um, were there any wives there?

Honey, if wives were allowed, wouldn't I have asked you along, huh?

No women?

Of course not.

Say, you're not, uh,

doing any commercials tonight, are you?

No.

I'm free tonight.

Hmm. That is a shame.

The one night you're free and I've got to give a lecture.

So long, sweetheart. I'll call you later.

When will you be home, dear?

Well, I... I'm not sure.

But don't wait up for me.

Oh!

Honey, where are you, honey?

Oh, yes, darling. I'm right here.

I want you, honey.

What is it, darling? Oh, you know something?

What?

You're a great woman.

And I'm a big, fat rat.

Don't you say that.

I am. The way I've treated you, I am.

No, you're not. I am.

No, you're not. I am! I'm a big, fat rat.

You're not a big, fat rat.

You... You're a sweet, wonderful woman.

And I don't know why it's taken me so long to find out.

Hush, darling. Don't say any more, please.

You're the most

wonderful, understanding woman

in the whole world,

Gloria.

Gloria!

Ooh!

Ooh!

You've only got a few minutes before you go on.

You'd better start changing.

I'm wearing this.

I'm not talking about your dress.

I mean your personality.

I'm sorry, Mike.

We can't have a nervous, overwrought unhappy housewife

telling America about Happy Soap.

Look at you. Your eyes are red.

You're twisting your hankie.

You're biting your lip.

That's no way for a career girl to act.

I don't think I'm cut out to be a career girl.

Our sponsors think you are.

Well, my husband doesn't.

Your husband's a Victorian.

My husband is a doctor, and I'm a doctor's wife.

Or I used to be.

Used to be?

Oh, Mike, everything is...

Everything is... Oh!

Hello.

- Mrs. Boyer? - Yes.

Dr. Boyer asked me to call and tell you he'll be held up at the hospital tonight,

and he won't be able to pick you up at the studio.

But he will meet you at the Cartier Hotel later if he can.

Mrs. Boyer, do you understand?

Yes.

Yes, I understand.

Aw, cheer up, honey. We all make mistakes.

Oh, Mike, I'm so embarrassed.

How could I forget the name of our soap?

What did I finally call it?

Palmolive. Oh.

Have another drink.

I just kept thinking about Gerald.

I know he's at the hospital, but...

But you're not sure.

Of course I'm sure.

Well, by calling the hospital, you can be absolutely sure.

I'd never do that.

Why not? Because he might not be there.

Well, he said, "Yes, but only on Thursdays."

Gardiner.

Excuse me.

Yes, darling. Gardiner.

Hmm? I'm going to have a baby.

Yes, darling. I know.

Oh, my God. You...

Are... Are you sure?

Quite sure.

Oh, well, you...

Just...

Beverly. Beverly. Yes.

Call your baby. My wife's having a husband.

Quickly. Quickly. Oh.

Uh, the Doctor's Hospital, please. Eighty-eighth street.

Well, now you'll know.

Is Dr. Boyer there, please? This is an emergency.

He's not... He's not?

Well, can you reach him?

Oh, fine. Tell him that Mrs. Gardiner Fraleigh

is on her way to the hospital to deliver.

Yes. Thank you. Beverly, did you reach Dr... Did you reach Dr. Boyer?

He'll meet you at the hospital. Fine, fine.

Would you mind coming with us, Beverly? Oh, yes.

Of course I'd... In case that...

I don't know anything about... It's just a matter of...

Excuse me, please. Excuse me.

I am not going to have the baby in the car.

But I would like Beverly to go with me. Would you?

Oh, you know I will. Oh!

Are you afraid, darling?

Only being alone in the car with an expectant father.

Do... Do you want me to carry you?

Oh, Gardiner.

All right, let's go quietly, but hurry.

Keep moving. Keep moving. Mike, get the car, please. Yes.

All right, there's nothing to worry about.

Hmm.

All right, Sidney. Where to, sir?

The hospital, you idiot.

Dr. Boyer. Oh, hello, Mike.

Party break up early?

No. It just moved to the hospital.

Mrs. Fraleigh? Yeah.

Can I give you a lift? Yes, please.

To go to Doctor's Hospital, we go up Third Avenue to 88th,

turn right and go to the river, huh?

It's all right, Mrs. Fraleigh. You're doing just fine.

Is there anything I can do? Just get us to the hospital.

Sidney. Sidney, what's holding us up?

Traffic, sir.

Hurry. Oh, dear God.

Please.

Damn it, Sidney. Do something.

I... Uh, blow your horn.

Oh, dear me.

Oh, the pain is every five minutes.

We've just gotta... We've just gotta hurry.

Hurry, hurry, hurry.

Sidney. Sidney, I don't care how you do it,

but I am going to give you exactly five seconds to get this car moving.

Hey! Hey!

- Hey, what are you doing? - Get off the sidewalk!

Hey, you jerk! Get off the sidewalk!

Hey, Mac, knock it off!

You're gonna hit somebody!

Why don't you look where I'm going? You nut.

Hey, there's something coming up over here.

Hey, you're gonna hit somebody!

Get off the sidewalk!

Wait a minute. Wait a minute, Mac.

I know you have a reason for driving on the sidewalk.

But I warn you, it better be a dandy.

My wife is having a baby.

That's dandy enough. Follow us.

Lots of luck!

Good evening, Dr. Boyer. Good evening.

Was Mrs. Fraleigh admitted?

Uh, not yet, Doctor.

Probably held up in traffic.

Is it much farther?

Not much.

Oh, dear. What's the matter?

Four minutes apart. What does that mean?

Oh, it means I wish my husband were here.

There's a jam up ahead, sir.

Sidney, do something.

Shall I blow my horn, sir?

Yes, damn it.

Oh, Gardiner, your language.

I'm sorry... Oh, darn it!

She said darn it.

She has never ever said that. What does it mean?

It's every three minutes. Oh, my God.

Beverly, get the phone. Call the hospital.

The phone is... It's right there. Get it out.

Just push the button down.

Yes? They're not here yet.

It's for you, Doctor.

It's Dr. Boyer.

Beverly, where are you?

On the East River Drive and 58th Street.

Well, how's Mrs. Fraleigh?

Every three minutes, Gerald.

I could get there in about 15 minutes.

Look, you get back to the car.

I'm calling from the car.

Oh, dear God. Please, Mr. Fraleigh.

Gerald, what should I do?

Oh, dear, dear God.

Mr. Fraleigh, I can't hear.

I'm going to try to get there in time. I think I can.

Taylor, would you get my bag?

If I don't, you'll have to take over.

Is there a bar in the back seat?

Is there a bar? Yes. It's right there. But why do you need...

Yes, Gerald, there's a bar. There's whiskey.

What are you gonna do with that? I'm going to wash my hands.

Why would you want to wash... Gardiner!

Mr. Fraleigh, would you please pace up and down the highway? Please.

Allow me, sir.

Oh!

If I don't make it in time, does anyone there have a piece of string or maybe a shoelace?

Oh, Sidney. Madam.

Sidney, do you have a shoelace? Shoelace, madam?

Yes, a shoelace. I'm wearing loafers.

Oh! Oh, Mr. Fraleigh, do you have a shoelace?

What do you need a shoelace for?

Oh, my God, that's barbaric.

Do you have a shoelace?

I... I'm wearing gaiters.

Well, borrow one.

Borrow a shoelace.

Shoes. Uh...

I'll go... I'll go around.

Uh, pardon me, sir, but are you wearing regular shoes?

What are you, a nut?

No, no, no, no. No, you don't understand.

You see, I'm having a baby and I need a shoelace.

Get outta here.

Get out of here.

Would you...

No, you wouldn't have a shoelace.

Would you have... No.

Shoe... Shoelace.

Sir, I'll give you $20 for a shoelace.

Twenty dollars for a shoelace? Forty dollars.

Here you are. Twenty dollars is enough.

"Twenty dollars is enough."

The man offered 40, but my Irving has to be a big shot.

Is there a newspaper in the car?

Yes, a newspaper. An unused one is relatively germ-free.

Here it is. Here it is.

Thank you. Now get me a newspaper.

A newspaper? You've got no time to read. For the baby.

Please, Mr. Fraleigh, don't ask questions. Just get it. An unused one.

Gerald, please hurry.

Honey, Dr. Taylor is gonna stay on this phone in case you need instructions.

I'm on my way. Here, Taylor. And stay awake.

Come on, Mike. Let's see if that car of yours can outrace a stork.

Excuse me, sir.

You can't have my shoelaces. Get outta here.

No, no, no. I don't want your shoelaces.

I need a newspaper... For my baby.

I hope the baby don't object. It ain't the Times.

Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.

Did you read this?

Yeah. You can keep it.

I don't want it if you read it!

Get outta here!

Ooh!

Pardon me, sir. Could I have that newspaper you have in the backseat?

I'm sorry. I haven't read it yet.

Wonderful. I'll give you $10 for it.

Ten dollars for a newspaper?

Uh, how much?

Uh... Uh, 20.

Thank you. Call again.

Twenty dollars isn't enough for a newspaper?

Some businessman.

In a seller's market like this,

you could've got 100.

Here's the newspaper. Thank you.

Where's Dr. Boyer? Why isn't he here?

He'll be here soon.

Oh, relax, Gardiner.

Babies are born every day.

That's true, sir.

Oh! Why don't you shut up and drive?

Are you a doctor?

Where are the police?

You see, my wife is... Are you a doctor?

Officer, I've got a maternity case in a Rolls-Royce about three blocks ahead.

Can you give me a lift? Sure. Hop on, Doc.

Are you a doctor?

That did it!

Oh, dear.

Officer! Officer!

Officer! Office... Oh!

Look, I... My wife is having a baby.

Officer. Officer.

Oh, there... There he is. There's the doctor.

Doctor?

There's a very pregnant lady around here somewhere.

I think she's gonna have a baby.

Anybody hurt in the accident? Nobody hurt.

Right here, Doctor.

Just follow me. Follow me.

Would you try to keep the people away?

And clear this lane of traffic.

All right now. Clear it out.

Hey, you guys, give me a hand.

There's a pregnant woman there.

All right, everybody, gather round here.

Up! Up! Move it over.

That's it. Move it over.

Move this car out.

Come on. Move this car out.

All right, all right. Let the car through.

Move along.

Hurry, Sidney.

Sidney, wait a minute. Wait, wait. What about me?

Hop on.

All right now. Clear it out.

Hurry, hurry, hurry!

Darling. Darling, I...

Who's that?

It's your daughter.

It's my... Daughter.

My... Oh, darling.

You are a genius.

And... And you're brilliant.

You're brilliant.

- That's brilliant. - That's brilliant.

That's brilliant, Doctor.

Dr. Taylor, will you take the baby, please?

That baby is brilliant!

Look it. That's our baby.

Take over.

Oh, hold me.

Hold me.

Oh, darling, I need you so much.

Do you need me?

Of course. Very much.

Darling, you know, when I helped you back there in the car,

and I held that new life in my arms,

I knew... I knew what you must feel every single day.

And I felt so close to you.

Oh, darling,

I love you so much.

And I want to be a doctor's wife again.

Do you think you'll be happy being just a doctor's wife?

Oh, yes.

Did you deliver a baby tonight, Daddy?

Well, hello there.

And what are you two doing up?

Andy was thirsty.

Did you deliver one, Daddy?

Well, yes, I did, and Mommy helped too.

Oh, can we keep it?

Oh, I'm afraid not.

But you said when Mommy helps,

then you would bring it home.

Yes, you did.

Yes, you promised, Daddy.

We want a baby.

Well, now, wait a minute...

Darling, a promise is a promise.

Now you two get to bed and Daddy and I will discuss it.

Will you 'scuss it tonight? If Daddy's not too tired.

Well, I don't think Daddy's too tired.

- Hooray for Mommy and Daddy! - Hooray for Mommy and Daddy!

Hooray for Mommy and Daddy!