Original subtitles

Come on, what are you afraid of? You wanna move in on me?

You guys aren't cops? Not hardly.

You gotta trust somebody.

And you're applying for the job?

[Tires screeching]

There was a man killed down at the beach and I was chasing the killer.

On the ground, now.

How are you feeling, Mr. Rockford?

Tell you the truth, I'm scared to death.

[Telephone ringing]

(Rockford on answering machine) This is Jim Rockford.

At the tone, leave your name and message.

I'll get back to you.

[Beeps]

(man) Hey, Rockford, very funny, I ain't laughing.

You're gonna get yours.

[Rustling]

How much further, miss? About a mile more, I think.

This is a long way in the middle of nowhere.

(cab driver) You just want me to drop you? If you don't mind.

[Laughs]

I don't mind, honey.

By the way, I'm a Scorpio, with Pisces ascending.

How nice for you. Yeah, it is.

Scorpios are lucky at love, you know.

Luck has nothing to do with it.

Pull up right there in that clearing, please.

[Engine starting]

[Birds chirping]

Why, Countess, you look lovely.

You know, we're going to have to stop meeting like this.

You're not amusing, Carl.

When you come on, you just get slightly more vulgar, if that's possible.

Another rejection.

You know, if I keep this up, I'm just liable to plunge myself into analysis.

Let's hope so.

May I?

What do we have...

A tape recorder. Surprise, surprise.

Here you are. Thank you.

[Laughs]

You know, I get a big kick out of you, Countess.

You don't know how much that pleases me.

Yeah, you have this dangerous tendency to underrate people.

I guess it comes from hanging out with too many phonies and socialites.

Not like in Chicago. Back then, you were streetwise.

You wouldn't have pulled a dumb trick like this.

You got some guy in the bushes with a high-speed camera?

Sound, lights, camera, action?

Cute and kind of sweet in a stupid way.

You work so hard at being Cary Grant. Life just isn't that fascinating.

And who'd know better than you?

Okay, Countess, you wanna talk, we'll talk, but not out here.

You wanna talk, we'll go in my car. It's not wired.

[Car buzzes]

[Car door closing]

Come on.

(policeman) What are you doing here?

(policeman) What are you doing here?

What was that?

It was a cop. He caught me in a fire hazard area.

Couldn't go through that again.

Just sitting in the same car with him made my flesh crawl.

We didn't get enough, did we?

No. Now we need the soundtrack.

[Sighs]

Look at that. I haven't been that nervous since I left Chicago.

You certainly reduce things to their lowest common denominator.

It's a plastic world. If you don't like it that way...

I can give it to you in a cheese glass, Countess.

My name is Deborah Ryder.

Let's add it up.

I talked to a friend of mine. He used to work with him back East.

The rumor is that he's got nine scalps hanging from his belt.

If I'm gonna stay involved...

you're gonna have to keep me better informed about what's going on.

You know all you need to know. I'm being blackmailed.

I need some help in getting rid of the man.

You surely don't expect me to tell you what he's got on me.

That would be stupid.

I just might wind up with two blackmailers instead of one.

When were you in Chicago? You never told me that.

Is that where you knew Carl?

I think I've had enough for today.

If you'll just tell me what's going on, maybe I can tie a can to his tail.

I need that much leverage to make it work. You've got to trust somebody.

And you're applying for the job? How sweet.

Try that one.

You know, Arnold thinks that...

we should spend the whole season in Europe...

and I'm beginning to think he's right.

We did get to know quite a few titled people...

and LA is getting quite tacky.

Did you meet the Countess in Europe?

I met her at Marineland.

How strange.

I run the hot dog concession next to the killer whale exhibit.

The Countess loves my foot-longs. I make them great.

Lots of chili and hot mustard.

I have a secret, you know. I precook the hot dogs...

then I wrap them in cellophane.

That's the secret. Cellophane. Keeps them from getting tough.

Would you excuse me? Yes.

[Woman laughing]

(Ryder) You're Jim Rockford, aren't you?

The Countess told me all about you. I'm Mike Ryder.

Hi, Mike. It's a nice party.

If you want my opinion, they're a bunch of social-climbing creeps...

but it fills up the place, so what's the difference?

[All cheering]

Who's the one cavorting in the pool?

That's Carl Brego, land development syndicator.

Countess says she knew you in school.

Yeah, right. School.

Then you knew her before she was a countess.

Yeah. Well, it's kind of hard...

to get used to calling her that, the Countess.

She doesn't like to be called the Countess.

When she married me, she lost her title. She wants to be called Mrs. Ryder.

Look at that. That's Sally Norris.

Her daddy's a big investor in one of my oil fields.

She's only 17.

I got half a mind to go over there and hand that big ape his head.

He looks like he might be hard to take.

I saw him go after a guy at a party once.

He pretends to shake your hand and then tries to kick your kneecap off.

Excuse me, I'm gonna break that up.

[Woman laughing]

[People laughing]

You were right, you know.

I first met Carl Brego in Chicago 15 years ago.

Even then you could tell he was crazy.

I was 18, fresh off the bus from southern Illinois.

Got a job in a restaurant.

Didn't know it, but the mob used the place as a numbers drop.

Carl Brego was the bagman.

He used to come in every day at noon and pick up an order to go.

You thought he was picking up tuna sandwiches for his boss?

Then I met a man who was handsome, sophisticated.

I fell madly in love.

Same old story.

He was a roper for the syndicate.

He didn't care anything about me, except as merchandise.

Later on, I found out it was Carl Brego who'd teed me up.

Are you following me? Yeah.

Three years later I was arrested by the Chicago police.

I got out on bail...

and I was so scared that I'd go to jail, I ran.

I had a friend who helped me get a passport under a different name.

Changed my appearance, lost 15 pounds, went to Europe.

And then I met Count Bertoli and he married me.

And there I was, La Contessa Bertoli.

Anyway, after the Count died, I met Mike in Florence.

He was like a breath of fresh air.

We were married, and we came back here.

One day, at a party in Bel Air...

two months ago, there was Carl Brego.

Did he approach you right off?

He didn't recognize me. I could tell he was troubled about it.

And then, a month later, he must have put it all together...

because I met him at another party and he asked me to dance.

While we were on the dance floor, he began...

to whisper profanities into my ear.

He must have some kind of connection with the Chicago police force...

because he's got a Xerox of my whole file. He showed it to me.

I think you should tell Mike. I think he can stand it.

Mike was born in a hovel. He never made it past the fifth grade.

He made a fortune and he married a countess.

That's not why he married me, but it's important to him.

I would like to save that for him.

And maybe save it for yourself, too?

I think I like you.

You certainly aren't impressed by the fact that I once had a title.

I knew a guy a while back.

He was a torpedo for the mob...

and he had little business cards printed up...

and on it, it said "independent contractor"...

and then his name, and under that it said "hit man."

That's really the only title that ever impressed me.

Now, you're just a girl from southern Illinois...

and if you want, I'll try and help you.

[Seagulls cawing]

[Leah laughing]

[Carl laughing]

[Leah continues laughing]

The Sewards aren't here. I'm renting.

I said... I heard what you said, Carl.

Have we met before, sport? No.

Who is it, Carl?

Shut up, Leah.

Look, you got some business with me, or you just looking in the window?

I got a message from the Countess. Oh, yeah? What's that?

You don't wanna talk in front of Leah, sport. I'm gonna make you look bad.

Is that so? Well, won't be the first time.

(Leah) Where are you going, Carl?

Okay, friend, what's the message?

Well, I'll tell you, Carl. It's like this.

I'm taking over the account.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I know about the Countess and Chicago.

I'm running a little low on funds, so I'll start squeezing her myself.

So I thought maybe you and I should have a little understanding...

clear the decks first.

See, I don't like getting bumped in the curves.

So, if I see you hanging around her again...

I'm gonna come down here and pound your mouth full of sand...

and drop you off the end of the pier.

Hey, pal, slow down. What are you getting all excited about?

I don't know what you're talking about, I really don't.

I've also got you on videotape.

Like a screen test, kind of? Yeah, sort of.

And what happens if I tell you to shinny up a rope?

The videotape goes to the cops.

It seems to me that it would put you out of business, too.

I'm reckless.

[Laughing]

I like you, sport. You got guts.

I've also got the Countess concession.

Right. You got it. Hey, be my guest.

See, I was only shaking her down for the fun of it.

You know, I kind of like to see her squirm. She's a phony.

Listen, you got my blessings. You know what? I hope you jerk her under.

[Grunting]

Okay, you're through, hot shot. Come on.

You want some? Come on.

You want a little bit? Come on, you wanna move in on me?

Come on, now. Here we go. Don't be afraid.

[Grunts]

[Gun firing]

How about that?

[Seagulls cawing]

[Exclaiming]

[Engine starting]

[Tires screeching]

[Engine starting]

[Police siren wailing]

Okay, mister, on the ground.

There was a man killed down at the beach and I was chasing the killer.

On the ground, now.

I told you, I was chasing the guy that killed him.

1-Mary-10 to Control.

I have your 157 suspect in custody.

Send a backup and put out a Code 4.

A 157? What are you talking about?

I didn't kill anybody. I told you, I was chasing the guy.

He was driving a white Porsche. He did the killing.

I got a lieutenant coming. You can tell him.

Well? That's the man.

He's the one we saw at the beach.

I was on the beach. I saw these people, but I didn't kill anybody.

Listen, you knock it off for a minute. You'll get your chance.

Is there anything else?

It did look like they were fighting. Oh, yeah?

How about that?

Lieutenant, if you just ask them about the rifle...

we can clear this thing up in a hurry.

I wanna know if you were fighting with Brego when he got killed.

Yeah, sort of. Sort of?

Okay, I was fighting with him, but I wasn't trying to kill him.

He was a very dangerous man. We got a file on Brego two inches thick.

Brego was a flip-top.

If you were fighting, you can bet he was trying to kill you.

He'd have caved your head in and sent you out with the tide.

He was shot with a rifle from a cliff.

I saw these people, but I wasn't carrying a rifle.

Did he have a rifle? No.

Did he have a pistol?

He could have.

As a matter of fact, he did have something in his hand.

He was shot with a rifle. I didn't have a rifle.

Now, I wanna get out of here.

According to the coroner, he was shot...

with a 7.65 mm slug.

It could have come out of anything. A rifle, a pistol.

Of course, there's no way of telling...

'cause the slug was a dumdum and it's in a hundred pieces.

Where's my lawyer?

Is Rockford's attorney out there yet?

(woman) Not yet, sir.

Nope.

Thanks very much for coming in.

Just down the hallway and to the left.

Doesn't look good, Mr. Rockford.

No, sir, it doesn't look good at all.

You got a right to consult with your attorney, but I got a suggestion.

Well, let me guess.

If I confess, you'll get me off with 20 to life...

and then you'll make sure that the warden puts me in a cell with color TV.

Tell you what. I'll call the DA in here, and we'll settle this quick.

You were fighting with Brego. Brego pulled a piece...

you took it away from him, the gun went off.

Involuntary manslaughter. We plead it before a judge.

You end up maybe doing a year, county time.

Come on, Lieutenant. I didn't come down with yesterday's rain.

You got a very creaky case here, all of it circumstantial.

You don't have a motive...

and those two old people aren't gonna make good witnesses.

A good attorney could blow them off in 10 minutes.

You yardbird lawyers really hand me a laugh.

I told you I got a call from Brego.

He didn't give me his name on the phone, but he wanted to retain me.

So I went down to the beach to meet him.

When I got there, I knew who he was and told him I didn't work for hoods.

So he blew his stack and started swinging.

Next thing I knew, there was a shot and he went down.

You're crud, Rockford. You know it and I know it.

You got a record and you done time.

The courts ain't gonna waste much time with you.

You're gonna get down the chute in a hurry.

Let's go.

Where have you been, Beth?

I was in court, filing a report on a felony, hit-and-run.

I got here as fast as I could.

I'm gonna turn him over to the jailer. You can talk to him there.

Hold on a second, Lieutenant. Let me finish this A.R. Report.

This is all you have?

Okay, Lieutenant...

I haven't spoken to my client yet, but I think you can ease off a little.

Is that so, honey?

I'm an attorney, Lieutenant Diel.

I expect to be treated as such.

My name is Ms. Davenport.

You call me "honey" again, you'll hear about it from your captain.

I'm still gonna book this jailbird. For what?

Material witness, for now.

No, you're not. You're gonna book him for murder one.

Beth. Shut up, Jim.

Look, I'm gonna book... You want him as a witness.

He'll stipulate to that and I'll guarantee his presence in court...

if this thing ever gets to court.

(Davenport) Carl Brego was a hoodlum.

You and I both know he was probably killed by the underworld.

But if you book Mr. Rockford...

as a material witness under these circumstances...

I'm going to bring action against you and this department for harassment...

and you will end up getting your next promotion...

around the turn of the century.

Wait here a minute.

Beth, murder one? Are you nuts?

You gotta push them.

I don't think they can make it, and it's the only charge they have.

We'll see. Isn't that a little dangerous?

Yes.

[Sighs]

All right, Ms. Davenport.

We're not gonna book him yet.

Come on, Jim. Let's go.

I'm gonna be on you like a bad case of flu.

You get even close to an airport or bus station and you're gonna be in here...

reading the graffiti.

What about the girl, Leah?

If the cops turn her up, she could be a problem for you...

especially if she heard you threaten him.

Let's just hope they don't find her.

You're parked in a red zone. I always do that.

They never give tickets in front of the police station.

It's a psychological neutral zone.

I gotta get a new attorney.

What do you mean? You're out, aren't you?

But you haven't thrown the hook yet.

Diel isn't sure about you.

He'd like it to be you...

because that would be easy and satisfy his tidiness urge.

He's got a case, but it's not good enough.

He'll never get a booking with it, but it's close.

So, all he's got to do is to get Mr. And Mrs... What's their name?

Tibbett. Tibbett.

To say that they saw you with a gun in your hand.

Then there's also the possibility that whoever really killed him...

Jim? Yeah.

Did you kill him? That's just great.

What is that? Kind of an afterthought?

I'm sorry, it's just a routine attorney's question.

There's the possibility that whoever really killed him...

is gonna pony up a fake witness against you, just to clear the books.

You have any more comforting thoughts?

I've gotta get back to court. I'll call you tonight.

Thanks for fitting me in, Beth. I really appreciate it.

[Beeps]

Countess, I want to talk to you.

Just a minute, Jim. I've only got five minutes left of my lesson. Okay, Terry

Now. You heard the Countess, buddy.

This can't wait.

If the Countess says five minutes, it can wait five minutes.

All right, I don't want to interrupt. You go ahead and play, and I'll talk.

The cops think I killed Carl Brego.

He was shot dead on the beach about four hours ago.

Course, I didn't kill him, but since you're the one that sent me to meet him...

I just have to think that you were trying to set me up to take a murder rap.

Terry, would you excuse us, please? Who is this guy?

No, go ahead and finish your lesson. I hate to interrupt.

Terry, you can go now. That's all for today.

Are you okay, Countess?

You want, I can run this guy off.

I wouldn't try it, Terry. I'm in a bad mood today.

I'm liable to make you eat the tennis balls in that basket.

Now, you gather the rest of your things and scoot.

What do you mean, "Carl's dead"?

You know he's dead. You sent me down there to get nominated for it.

I don't know what you're talking about.

That frame wasn't quite tight enough. I managed to squeeze out from under it.

But I'm walking around on a very thin pass.

Jim, you didn't... Tell the police about you? No. Not yet.

I'm on my way down there now.

I'm gonna give you about a minute and a half, Countess...

to convince me you didn't set me up.

But I'm warning you...

you better make it good...

'cause I'm not working for you now, I'm working for me.

All right.

Just give me a minute. I need time to think.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

I'll see you, Countess.

Please. Look, I didn't set you up.

You promised me you wouldn't tell anybody about Chicago.

You gave me your word, or I wouldn't have told you.

I said I'd protect you if you didn't lie to me.

I didn't lie to you. Carl's death is a shock to me.

I swear to you that I had nothing to do with it.

Come on, you're gonna have to do better than that.

And the police won't believe you either...

particularly when I tell them that your motive was blackmail.

No, your best bet to stay out of prison is to plead temporary insanity.

Who knows, you may get lucky.

They'll toss you in one of those head-basket wards.

I'll deny it.

With Carl dead, there's no way to prove anything. They'll never believe you.

Come on, honey, I got you on videotape.

Remember? Carl taking the purse from you, all that?

Please wait. Listen.

I'll buy the tape. I'll pay you.

I'll pay you anything you want.

All right. How about $100,000?

I really misjudged you, didn't I?

You crawled out from under a rock.

You see, I've got this little problem. Every time I get indicted for murder...

I seem to lose all my manners.

All right.

I'll raise the money somehow.

But you've got to promise me to give me the videotapes and keep your mouth shut.

You will? I said I'd pay you.

I don't have the videotapes anymore. Somebody erased them.

I thought it was you, but I guess it wasn't.

I told you the truth.

Now you have to keep your promise, too.

I just don't know where to go now. I thought it was a gang killing.

Do you know a girl by the name of Leah?

No.

I might find out something from her about Carl.

He was living with her, dating her, something. I don't know.

You'll keep your promise? You won't tell the police?

Let me put it this way, Debbie.

I'm never too sure just how much character I've got.

In a pinch, I start groping for alternatives.

I'll probably sell you out before I take a rap for murder.

If you can help me, you'd better get your little coffee can and start bailing...

'cause if I go down, you go down.

Chivalry is really dead, isn't it? I know.

[Clattering]

[Seagulls cawing]

(Becker) Becker.

Hey, Dennis, Jim Rockford.

Say, Jim, how you been?

Heard you got into a little tiff with my buddy, Lt. Diel.

Yeah, you got lousy taste in friends.

I didn't like him very much.

Boy, Jim, it's great talking to you.

Hold on a minute, my other phone is flashing.

We got anybody out there watching his trailer?

No. Is that where he is? Yeah, I think so.

How long will it take to get a warrant? You finished with her statement?

She's burning him good. Said she saw him kill Brego.

Take me two minutes to get it typed up. I get the DA to approve it...

Judge Hunnicut is over at the courthouse.

I'll have a warrant in 25 minutes.

And now, I'd send a plainclothes car out there.

In the meanwhile, I'll try and stall him.

Sorry, Jim, but I'm breaking in a rookie over here.

He can't even fill out a 211 report.

So, anyway, what have you been doing? You out at the trailer?

We ought to get together and try and get us some yellowtail.

Yellowtail? What are you talking about? They aren't running.

Listen, Dennis, I need a favor.

I'm trying to get all the dope I can on a girl named Leah Richards.

Can you punch her out on the computer?

I'm looking for priors or convictions. I wanna know, you know...

what her racket is and any known associates.

Yeah, right away.

Look, where are you? I could run it by on my way home.

I was gonna come out there and pick some of those clams...

on the pier. You know, Nancy's been hustling me for some steamed clams.

Dennis, what's going on? What's wrong?

Nothing. What are you talking about?

What are friends for, Jimbo?

There wouldn't happen to be a warrant out for my arrest, would there?

No, what do you mean, warrant? Of course not.

Dennis, I thought we were friends.

[Telephone clicking]

1-Extra-22 to Control.

We have an addition on the 157 suspect...

at 2354, Pacific Coast Highway.

Suspect was forced into a light sedan by two male Caucasians.

Request a backup and instructions.

You guys better have a warrant.

What are you talking about? A warrant for my arrest.

You just can't go around picking up people without a warrant.

Yeah? I do it all the time.

You guys aren't cops?

How are you feeling, Mr. Rockford?

Tell you the truth, I'm scared to death.

Good. We'd like to get some information.

We want to know who hired you to kill Carl Brego.

I didn't kill Brego, and I'm getting a little sick of this.

And the cops don't believe you? No.

Neither do I.

But I have more pragmatic reasons. You see...

Carl Brego just didn't need the services of a private detective.

We have plenty of people who could have done the same thing you do...

only with more efficiency.

I won't argue with that. Then you're gonna stick to that story?

If I could come up with something that sounded any better...

I'd probably use it.

Okay, Mr. Rockford.

Listen, if it helps any...

I think he was killed by organized crime.

I'm in organized crime, Mr. Rockford, and I know how it works.

You see, a killing is a very complicated thing to arrange.

Your case, for instance.

I had to submit your name and my reasons for wanting you hit to two of my superiors.

They figured you were just a trigger-man...

and that if someone were to pay for killing my cousin...

it should be the man who ordered it done.

They okayed the contract, with the provision that I face you first...

and give you the opportunity to give me the name of the man who hired you.

Something you failed to do.

We've just completed that phase.

And now, I'm gonna leave you with these two gentlemen...

and they'll take you to a suitable spot...

and finish the job.

All right.

I'll give you what you want. I'm listening.

You guys know Tom Beceda?

He's out of the country.

He'd heard of my work and he wanted me to smoke Carl for him.

Check it out. There's a phone in the other office. Call New York.

You know, I don't believe this, of course...

but I'm gonna check it out.

You know, you have a very creative mind.

(policeman) Stop! Police!

Freeze.

[Grunts]

[Thudding]

You got here just in time. They were gonna kill me.

I owed that guy one.

The old guy got confused and tried to run into the closet over there.

I gotta take you in, Jim.

Hey, come on, Dennis. On what charge? Murder. We got an eyewitness.

Says she saw you kill him.

Leah Richards? Right.

Could you get them to close the door? I wanna talk to you in private.

Close the door on your way out. Put them in the car.

I need some time.

Just give me a couple of hours. I know I can get out from under this.

I've been set up and I think I know who did it.

If I let you go, I'd get busted back down to traffic patrol.

I don't believe you did it, but I'm a cop.

Got to take you in, Jim.

Dennis... Would you look at that?

[Grunts]

Sorry, Dennis.

[Engine starting]

[Tires screeching]

I really don't know what you're talking about.

What you're saying just can't be.

I'm convinced it wasn't a mob killing and I'm convinced you didn't do it...

and that only leaves one other player. Your husband.

He didn't even know about Carl.

Where is he?

About a foot behind you and a little to your left, Mr. Rockford.

This just hasn't been my day at all.

All right, Mr. Rockford...

we're gonna go shoot a little skeet.

Mike, don't do this, please.

Things didn't work out for us, did they?

I'm sorry. I was only trying to protect you.

You didn't have to kill Brego. Yes, I did.

I got to wondering about him, so I broke into his place and he had...

Well, there were some Xeroxes of...

Babe, I'm sorry.

It's okay. Can't say I wasn't hurt.

People make mistakes, honey.

But I'll be damned if I was gonna let you go to jail...

and Brego was gonna put you there sooner or later.

At least that ain't gonna happen.

Now, all we gotta do is take care of Mr. Rockford here...

and nobody is left who knows who you were.

Mike, he won't say anything about me. Really, he won't.

Once a fox gets the smell of a henhouse, there ain't no trusting him.

That's really very folksy, but it's still murder.

Come on. Mike, please don't.

Sorry, honey. I don't want to, but there's other problems.

I ain't about to face a rap for murder, and Mr. Rockford knows I killed Brego.

Let's go.

You wouldn't want to talk a deal?

Like, maybe I take the murder rap, do the 20-year stretch?

You could put $100,000 in an account for me and I'd guarantee my silence.

I'd be fixed for life, you know. I'd get out in maybe 10.

I'm not anxious to do time...

but I figure 10 years is a lot better than eternity.

You'd sell me out. No, I wouldn't.

I ain't about to trade one blackmailer for another.

Get in the car.

You drive.

[Engine starting]

Slow down.

Think it over, Mike. It's a good deal.

I said slow down!

That ought to be fast enough. Now let's talk a new deal, Mike.

You throw that gun out the window, and we'll see who takes the murder rap.

Slow down, or I'll kill you right here.

Then we'd both be dead. That wouldn't be too smart.

The keys don't come out of the ignition while it's moving.

It's a safety feature. How about that for irony?

I'm not a bluffer, boy. You stop this car, or I'll pull the trigger.

You're not gonna shoot me, and you know it.

[Car exploding]

Okay, I guess that wraps up the Brego killing.

You're lucky, Rockford. The Countess is backing your story.

Nice lady, the Countess. Real class.

Her name is Debbie Ryder.

She went to high school in southern Illinois and she likes Frankie Avalon...

so don't get yourself in a lather, Lieutenant.

I don't like you, Rockford. You got a smart mouth...

and you're not out of trouble yet.

We still got a "flight to avoid arrest" charge hanging on you.

He's safe there on a technicality, Lieutenant. We never served him the warrant.

You like this jerk, don't you?

No, I don't like him.

I owe him a punch in his belly and I can't collect if he's doing time.

Dennis, how about Ryder?

No, not gonna make it. He's got internal bleeding...

and the doctor says he won't last an hour.

Can I get out of here? Yeah.

But you better stay handy until I get Diel cooled off.

Right.

I just heard about Mike.

They keep fooling you, don't they?

Think everything's real.

Then when you get close enough so you can see, it's just made of plastic.

Mike was the only genuine article around...

but he got hooked on a plastic Countess.

How do you deal with that?

We're all scared to death.

I guess that's the penalty we pay...

for living in a world where all the price tags end in 99 cents...

and they sell mortuary plots on billboards next to the freeway.

What you do is just keep laughing.

They're gonna kiss your hand, honey, because you are a Countess.

Stop worrying about it. You're playing a big practical joke.

Just keep laughing.

Is that what you do?

You bet.