Original subtitles

NARRATOR: This film is respectfully dedicated to lonely guys everywhere.

Lonely guys have been with us since the beginning of time.

There's one there. Poor guy.

Another New Year's Eve alone in the cave.

Even a thousand years from now,

the lonely guy will still be there.

Look at this guy.

That couple will go down in history.

(WOMAN MOANING)

All he gets to do is eat roast beef from a tube.

So all you lonely guys out there, this film is for you.

It's for guys like that guy, Chin Loo Fung in Canton, China.

He's got 14 married brothers and sisters,

yet still eats alone in a Chinese restaurant four nights a week.

It's for Mbowie Zoomba, another lonely guy.

While he's happy that cable TV has been installed in his area,

he'd really just like to meet a nice girl with attractive lip plates.

And it's for Larry Hubbard...

HUBBARD: Hey, that's me, fifth one back. That's okay, I'll take over the narration now.

NARRATOR: Oh, all right.

HUBBARD: Hi, I'm Larry Hubbard. This is the story of how I became a lonely guy.

I came to Manhattan to be a writer,

and while I was working on my novel,

I took a job at a greeting-card firm.

It was working out pretty well.

What are you working on, Hubbard?

It's an idea I had for a new kind of sympathy card, sir.

Hmm.

"I know how much your loss must grieve you,

"but here's a thought I'd like to leave you.

"Although you're sad remember that

"now God is petting your pussycat."

Beautiful! Hubbard!

Congratulations! You're moving up.

Thank you, sir.

Get your things and take the front desk.

Yes, sir!

Finley, Harrison, Annenberg, Leach. Yes, sir?

Stop whatever you're doing. I want pet cards.

Birthday, anniversary. And not just cats and dogs.

I want hamsters, fish, parakeets.

HUBBARD: I was always lucking into things like that.

New York had been pretty good to me.

But the best part was,

I'd met this gorgeous ballet dancer named Danielle.

She was nuts about me, and asked me to move right in with her.

Every day at 5:30, she'd have bathed,

perfumed, put on a sexy nightie,

be waiting alone in a big bed just for me.

(DOOR OPENING)

HUBBARD: Hi, Danielle. Tarzan is here.

Oh, one second while I look through my mail here.

Oh, geez.

(MUTTERING)

Hey, a rejection from a completely new publisher.

They're finally getting to know me in this town.

Hi ya, honey. You miss me?

So, what'd you do today? Anything interesting?

(EXCLAIMS)

HUBBARD: You know, you gotta get out of the house more.

You can't mope around all day waiting for me to come home.

(WHISTLING)

(GARGLING)

(SIGHS)

This your cigar in here, honey?

All ready for me I can see, huh?

Mmm. You smell good.

I don't believe you!

You come home, you find me in bed with another man,

you act as if nothing's going on.

Larry, this is my lover, Raul.

We're lovers. Understand?

Hi, Raul. Larry Hubbard. Nice to meet you.

Yeah, hi.

Have you known Danielle long?

Yes, we're dancers in the same company.

Dancer? Yes.

I thought they were all...

Well, Raul's not!

Raul's all man.

Yeah.

And he's moving in tonight, afterThe Nutcracker.

He's bringing his things over in the morning.

Bringing his things over? There's hardly enough room for our things!

Your things are going! I've already packed them!

They're in the hall beside the garbage,

and you can take them out all together.

I know I'm behaving strange, probably real strange.

I've never been in a situation like this before.

I don't know how to handle it.

I still don't know how to handle it.

So, I was waiting, calmly, patiently, reasonably,

till I do figure out how to handle this kind of situation.

No, hold it. I think I've got it.

Yes, yes.

What the hell's going on here?

What the hell is he doing in this bed?

You disgust me, both of you!

I'm getting out of here and I never wanna see you in my life again!

RAUL: Hey, what the hell! Ow!

I think I handled that rather well.

DANIELLE: (MUFFLED) Oh, Larry, don't forget the garbage.

HUBBARD: I had no place to stay, nowhere to go.

There was no one to talk to. I must have looked pretty pitiful.

But that's the good thing about living in a big city like New York,

at least nobody I knew was going to see me like this.

JACK: Larry? Larry Hubbard? Is that you?

Hey, Larry, how are you?

Jack. Jack Fenwick.

Oh, Jack, hi. You're looking good. How's it going?

How's it look? Pretty good, huh?

How's it going with you?

Oh, just taking a walk. Like to get out of the house every once in a while.

I might jog around the reservoir later.

I heard about you and Danielle breaking up.

You heard? It just happened

Yeah, well, I just spoke to her.

We were very close, you know. We had an affair and everything.

When was that?

Oh, about four weeks ago.

Every morning after you'd go to work.

Oh, but you knew about that, didn't you?

Oh, oh, sure!

Yeah, we had an understanding. We were very today people.

Yeah. Hey, say hello to my wife Verna. Hello.

Hi. And this is my girlfriend Frieda.

Hi. Nice to meet you. Hi.

Nice to meet you.

We got a little apartment here on the West Side,

one big room and a 40-foot mattress.

(LAUGHING)

Hey, listen, any time you're in the neighborhood, just drop in, okay?

Hey, and don't be so broken up about Danielle.

She already dumped Raul, you know.

She has?

Yeah. She's living with a rock group now.

Oh. Well, okay.

You take it easy, huh? See you around. Yeah.

Come on, baby.

Hi.

Hi.

(SIGHS)

Warren Evans.

Larry Hubbard. Hi, Larry.

Hi.

First-time lonely guy?

What's a lonely guy?

My girl Melanie just left me.

What'd she leave you for?

She came home last night, found some guy robbing her apartment.

They just hit it off.

Gee, that sounds tough.

It was tough.

It's probably for the best, she's really started to let herself go.

Drank a lot, never bathed, fat.

Hey, don't worry. You'll meet another girl.

Not like Melanie.

No, better than Melanie. You're not gonna stay lonely forever, are you?

I'm not.

Well.

Where are you headed?

Um, I guess I have to look for an apartment, huh?

Take it from an experienced lonely guy,

be very careful looking for an apartment,

'cause from now on, that apartment's gonna be your best friend,

if not your only friend.

A lot of lonely guys, just to get off the street,

tend to grab the first thing they see

that looks better than a Borneo death cell.

Thanks. My pleasure.

HUBBARD: Warren gave me a lot of good tips, like,

it's very important to find an apartment with a feeling of space.

(BABY CRYING)

Right here.

(THUDS)

The view is very important psychologically.

In a moderate price range, you can't expect anything too beautiful,

but a lonely guy should watch out for the depressing ones.

(CLANKING)

(LAUGHTER)

(CHATTERING)

(POLICE SIREN)

A river view is great,

as long as you're above the river.

And you mustn't be fooled by classy-looking neighborhoods.

Sometimes your classiest-looking neighborhoods

have the highest crime rate.

(MAN GRUNTING)

(GASPING)

(WOMAN SCREAMING)

(THUDDING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Don't live here. Bad neighborhood.

HUBBARD: What a view! And you can almost see the river!

See, this has the pacing room I need. I'm working on a novel.

This apartment could really be my friend. I'll take this.

All right, fine, but before you can sign the lease,

there are a few questions I'd like to ask.

Well, what?

(QUICKLY) "Do you have any dogs, cats, children,

"or relations or friends of ethnic extraction?

"Do you ever wear loud sports jackets?

"Do you ever get personal phone calls after midnight?

"Do you go to discos or have dinner with people in show business?

"Do you ever put disgusting substances up your nose,

"or any other open bodily passages?

"Do you own any records or albums featuring The Rolling Stones?

"Is there anyone in your personal acquaintance

"who has now, or ever has had, a sexually communicable infectious disease?"

(QUICKLY) No dogs, no cats, no children, no foreign friends or relations,

no loud jackets, no late phone calls, no show-business dinners,

no disgusting substances in bodily orifices,

no Rolling Stones albums,

no acquaintance with sexually-communicable infectious disease,

except that Uncle Harry once developed a rash

after an affair with a waitress at the World of Pancakes,

but he covered it with a tattoo of a Chinese dragon so nobody would notice.

Thank you very much. That seems all satisfactory.

I'll have a lease made out immediately.

You can move in the day after tomorrow.

I think you'll fit in here very well.

Thank you. Do you wanna go to dinner?

I'm a man.

I mean, this is really getting drastic.

I don't have anything in my place.

I just left with a suitcase. I lost my comb.

This morning I had to brush my hair with my toothbrush.

I mean, I clean it out really good so I feel more comfortable,

but it takes about 20 minutes.

Does it look okay? No, it looks good.

I was just thinking how good it looks.

I think it looks okay. Just...

I should get a comb. Oh, you ought to get a comb.

Get it today.

You think that's bad, I had my yearly physical last week.

They called me yesterday, told me I have to come back. They lost my blood.

Oh, God!

You know, I mean, I can give them more blood, but...

Yeah.

You see, you buy a lot of these, you scatter them around,

and nobody will notice you don't have enough furniture.

Hey, this one looks nice.

No, you don't want that, Larry. That's got buds.

So what?

You don't wanna watch life blossoming while yours...

Isn't, yeah. Well...

Hey, how about a fern?

Great. But, Larry, don't call them ferns, call them guys.

"Guys"? Yeah, make them feel like your buddy.

You can watch football games together.

(LAUGHING)

Watch football games with a plant?

Hey, you never know.

(SNORTS)

Well, I'll just take this guy right here.

Uh-huh, uh-huh, good.

I could use one myself.

Want a sip? No, I'm full.

What did you eat?

Uh, a tuna sandwich. Uh-huh.

Hey, how often do you have to water something like this?

Oh, just once a week. But always stay with it a couple of minutes,

it doesn't like to drink alone. Seriously.

Have you got your towels yet?

Towels, geez, I forgot all about that.

Listen, I can get them for you wholesale,

if you don't mind other people's initials.

They get them from divorced couples.

No, I just want to get dry...

That's kind of sad though, isn't it?

I don't wanna get depressed every time I come out of the shower.

Listen, you'll probably be depressed anyway.

(SNORTING)

Well, I gotta go. I gotta go get some furniture.

Hey, doesn't your guy wanna say good-bye to my guy?

Say good-bye to your friend.

Still a little shy. Ah.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye.

(MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

HUBBARD: Well, I'd gotten some furniture,

but the big news was the phone.

I had to give them a $500 deposit and a sperm sample,

but they finally put it in.

So, I pulled out my little black book.

(PHONE RINGING)

Let's go! Come on...

Nobody move a muscle.

First National Bank.

Hi. Carol Zall, please.

HOLD UP MAN: I'm sorry, she's all tied up right now.

Would you care to leave your phone number?

Larry Hubbard. KL5-1173.

Oh. She says she'd love to talk to you,

and she'll get right back to you.

Haven't lost the touch.

Cops!

Out the back!

Right, let's go. Take some hostages!

Get the bag!

All right, kid, you're coming with me.

HUBBARD: For some reason, Carol never called back.

You know, I know this guy who's a magician,

and he and his friend go into a restaurant and they start doing tricks for them,

and people come around. He said they meet a lot of girls that way.

I got this magic book.

Try this. Take a card.

Okay. Look at it.

Now stick it back in somewhere.

Okay. I'll shuffle.

Okay, cut 'em.

Okay.

Is it the queen of clubs? No.

Was it a club? No.

A diamond? Yes.

Queen of diamonds? No.

Nine of diamonds? No.

Six of diamonds? No.

Three of diamonds? Yes.

Yes. Not bad. Not bad.

HUBBARD: Actually, I was feeling pretty positive.

There are plenty of girls in New York,

and I knew it wouldn't take long before I met one of them.

How you doing?

I'm okay. How about yourself?

Not too shabby. Cigarette?

Oh, no, thanks.

Do you do this often?

Well, I'm a single guy,

and no use in saving up.

NURSE: Okay, you may get up now.

I'll have you out of here in just a minute.

Do you have time for a drink?

They say you should have some orange juice.

Oh, thanks. I have to meet my boyfriend.

Oh, right, right. Me, too.

You know, I really believe that one of these days

I'm gonna meet the girl of my dreams,

if I don't run out of blood first.

HUBBARD: I was getting a little depressed,

so I was really glad when Warren invited me

over to his place for a little party.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(KNOCKING)

Hi, Larry. Hey, Warren, how's it going?

Good to see you.

What are these?

Oh, party cutouts.

I got them at the Lonely Guy Store at 81st Street and Lexington Avenue.

When I first saw them, it seemed like a pretty weird idea,

but it turns out they're a lot of fun.

They're real good company, too. You'd be surprised.

Oh, yeah? Surprised. It is surprising.

They move and everything.

I'm just gonna go check on dinner.

Fix yourself a drink. Drink anything you want.

Thanks.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

I'll get it.

Hey, how you...

You got a complaint about the noise.

You're playing your music too loud!

Oh, I'll turn it down.

What the hell is going on here?

Uh, just a friendly little get-together.

Can I fix you fellas a drink?

No, no, no, no. We're on duty.

Oh, sure.

Just keep the noise down, okay?

Thanks.

Hey, Mike, go ahead, I'll be right down. I gotta use the can.

Look, mister, really, I don't have to use the can.

But tell me, please, where do you get these things? They're fantastic!

You mean, you're a...

Yeah, a lonely cop.

A lonely cop? Oh, gee!

You get them at the Lonely Guy Store at 81st and Lex.

Thanks. Thanks a lot. Do you know if they got Gene Hackman?

Uh, Warren? Yeah?

Does the Lonely Guy Store have Gene Hackman?

WARREN: Yes, they do, but you have to reserve him a week ahead.

Hey, terrific. Thanks again, I really appreciate it.

Thanks a lot. It's okay.

Come and get it. Leg of lamb.

If I could tear you away from Dolly Parton. She's great, isn't she?

Hey, Warren, do you ever feel like getting out, and meeting real women?

Oh, sure. I'm meeting a terrific girl in a bar tomorrow night.

You wanna come along? Maybe you'll meet somebody.

Well, yeah, thanks.

Who's that?

Oh, just a friend of mine I don't see anymore.

Oh. Well, here's to...

(DISMISSIVE SIGH)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, God, that's funny! You tell a story so well.

Oh, thanks.

Here's another one.

I'm walking down Madison Avenue.

It's about 12:00, 12:30... This is true.

This really happened! Okay.

This guy comes up to me, he says...

Hi, hon. Sorry I'm late.

Hey, Warren. Thanks for sitting in, buddy.

I was just telling Louise this great story...

How'd your meeting go?

Oh, terrific. Looks like we got the deal.

Oh, that's wonderful, darling!

Great!

Oh, listen, Warren, thanks again for sitting in.

I hate to have Louise sit and wait for me alone, you know what I mean?

Oh, that's okay. I was glad to do it.

Oh, listen, can you do it again next week, same time?

I'll be about 45 minutes.

Oh, sure, sure. Enjoy your dinner.

See anybody?

Yeah. I'm trying to get my courage up to talk to that girl over there.

Ooh, she's pretty.

HUBBARD: No kidding.

Gee, I don't think so.

Why not?

I mean, she's really attractive.

(CHUCKLING) Well, hey!

Well, I mean, you know, try.

Well, I will.

Hi, I'm Larry.

Hi. Brenda.

It's okay? Mmm-hmm.

Boy, I hate these places, don't you?

It's like, most of these guys are just here for one thing.

I guess I wanna meet someone I can talk to, just get to know,

and go to dinners with, and museums, art galleries.

I think what I'm looking for, is more of a real relationship.

Oh, that's great, Larry, but I just came here to get laid.

Ever think of getting a dog?

A dog.

Dogs are great. They leap all over you. They lick your face.

They don't even have to like you, it's their instinct.

Hitler had a dog, that dog went crazy over him.

Adolf Hitler? Yeah.

There's this pet shop, has this policy,

you take a dog home, you don't like it,

you bring it back in 24 hours, you get another dog.

That sounds like a good deal.

It is a good deal.

HUBBARD: I learned a lot about dogs that week.

For instance, don't get a dog that's bigger than you are,

unless you're trying to save money on bus fare.

Okay. Here we go. Here we go.

Here we go, boy. Come on. Come on! There we go.

HUBBARD: And if you like to play fetch, don't get a fast dog.

Fast dogs like to show off, and they don't care about your stick.

If they don't come back by nightfall, you're out $300.

Bassets are really cuddly dogs.

They love to get in bed and nuzzle right up to you.

The only problem is, they miss their mother, and they howl all night,

and you have to pretend you're a basset, too,

and howl with him till he goes back to sleep.

(BARKING)

(HOWLING)

(BOTH HOWLING)

A cute dog attracts women,

but not to you, to himself.

I come by here every day about this time.

Bye, puppy dog!

Me and the dog. Bye.

Hello, puppy.

Dogs have a great deal.

Hey, you! What's your name?

Larry Hubbard. Why?

I'm gonna have to write you a ticket. What for?

Your dog just fouled the pathway over there.

He what?

He pooped.

Excuse me, Officer, but I don't think that poop came from this dog.

No, no, I'm sure of it. Definitely not.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, Officer, I mean it.

Look, in the last week, I've had five different dogs.

I think I'm beginning to know what kind of poop goes with each dog.

I think I may even say, without undue modesty,

that I am becoming somewhat of an expert on poop.

And I can assure you that that poop did not come from this dog!

Thanks.

I mean, this is a little dog. That looks like a land mine.

God!

Warren, I gotta meet a girl.

That was your dog's poop, I saw him do it.

Oh, Warren!

I mean, look at that guy, he's got a girl.

He had to meet her someplace.

He wasn't born with his arm around her.

What about jogging? Maybe you can meet girls jogging.

Jogging. I remember when I first saw Rocky,

I came running out of the theater, ran into the park,

started jogging, shadow boxing.

A guy came up and punched me right in the face.

Oh, God!

I'm not really jogging. I only ran about 50 yards.

This is not real sweat, either, I sprayed it on.

They sell this at sporting goods stores,

it's made from the actual sweat of professional athletes.

This was taken from a Boston Celtics basketball player,

immediately after a double-overtime game.

I think I'm getting hungry.

(PANTING) A vanilla yogurt milkshake, please.

Did 22 miles today. 3-0-6! That's my best time ever.

(SNIFFS)

MAN: Don't sweat on the counter, please.

Oh, sorry.

Oh, that's beautiful!

(CHUCKLES)

Hi.

(SIGHS)

I was just noticing that book you're reading, Mayor of Casterbridge.

That's really a coincidence, because I did my final term paper

on Thomas Hardy, my senior year in college.

You know, Hardy was a very interesting man.

When he was in London in 1861...

How long have you been a lonely guy?

Is it that noticeable?

What is it that gave me away?

I know phony sweat when I smell it.

When you first came in, I thought you were Larry Bird.

Sorry, it was dumb.

It's just that I saw you sitting there, and I wanted to meet you.

No, that's not even true, either.

I just wanted to meet anybody.

I know. It can be rough.

Did you try a fern?

Yeah.

A dog?

Yeah, but they don't seem to really help that...

How come you know so much about lonely guys?

My husband Marty was a lonely guy.

Oh, husband.

My ex-husband. Oh.

That's how we met. I fell for the phony jogging bit.

Never again. I learned to tell the difference between real and bottled sweat.

Here, smell mine.

Oh, yeah.

Now, see, that's terrific. That's sweat!

Thank you.

(SNIFFS)

Oh, yeah, there's no comparison!

Thanks.

So, um, how long were you and Marty married?

Oh, not long.

I found out he was having an affair with a ballet dancer.

Dancer? Now this may sound silly,

but, by any chance, that dancer wasn't named Danielle?

No, no. Raul.

Oh.

(SNIFFS)

Absolutely no comparison.

(LAUGHS)

Well, I guess I'd better be going.

Hang in there. Lonely guys don't stay lonely forever.

Hey, um, what's your name?

Where do you live? Could I call you sometime?

I wrote it all down on the napkin.

I know what you're going through.

Wow, that's fantastic. What a great girl!

Uh, that's $1.50. You've got some yogurt on your face.

What a great girl.

HUBBARD: I woke up early the next morning.

Too early to call her. I just couldn't get her out of my mind.

I couldn't wait till I got to know her.

I love the way your nose crinkles up when you smile.

Ugly? They are not. I love your freckles.

What's the best movie you ever saw in your whole life?

You're kidding! I don't believe it, me, too.

Favorite food?

With or without walnuts?

I knew it! I knew it!

What's the saddest thing that ever happened to you?

My God! Really?

That's awful. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you cry.

There, there. Just cry right into my arms.

It's gonna be all right. Everything's all right.

I'm here. I'm never gonna leave you.

HUBBARD: I couldn't wait any longer. I had to talk to her.

She had to be up by now, it was almost 6:00.

Oh, God!

Lois? Doris.

Or...

Boris?

7-3-6?

7-3-8.

1-3-6? Damn it!

(MUTTERING)

(PHONE RINGING)

MAN: (ON PHONE)Hello?

Hello. Is there a Lois living there?

Uh, Lois? No.

Uh, Doris? No.

Uh, Bess or Tess?

No. Hey, who is this?

Please, sir, this is very important.

Can you just tell me, is there a girl living there,

mid 20s, 5'3", blonde,

beautiful face, great figure,

fresh skin, full lips,

and young, vibrant, alive?

Is there?

(PANTING) No, no, no. But please, please don't stop.

(SIGHS)

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello?

WOMAN: Larry?

Yeah. Who's this?

Danielle.

Danielle?

I want you back, Larry.

Yeah, me and every other guy in New York. How's the rock group?

Oh, Larry.

You're the only one that ever meant anything to me.

IGGY: This is the pits, man.

The only one.

FUZZY: Who took my pick?

ZIPPY: Not me, man. IGGY: I lost my sack.

Oh, good-bye, Iggy. Bye, babe.

Good-bye, Fuzzy, Zippy, Zingo, Starr. Adios.

Oh, Iggy, on your way out, could you take out the garbage?

Thanks, love.

What about mushy-mushy?

FUZZY: Need a little help with the drums.

Don't you miss it?

No.

Yes, you do.

All right, so I miss it. Big deal.

ZIPPY: Bye, Danny.

I'm all alone in bed.

It would only take you five minutes to get here.

There'll never be anyone else for me but you.

Just you and me,

together forever and ever.

(PHONE BEEPS) Do you mean that, Danielle?

Hold on a sec. I got another call.

I knew she'd come back to me! I knew it!

Hello? Who's this?

Larry. Larry Hubbard.

Oh, Larry. Nice to hear from you.

Listen, I'm a little busy right now, can you call me back some other time, okay?

(DIAL TONE)

MAN: (ON RADIO) ...with a 20% chance of rain,

clearing in the afternoon.

There were three suicides in Manhattan late last night,

all characterized as lonely guys.

Two of the men were found dead in their West Side apartments,

both traveling salesmen who came home from the road after two weeks,

and found that their large, beautiful fern plants were dead.

Wow. A third lonely guy,

who had a view just below the East River,

opened his window and drowned.

There was no suicide note. Apparently, he had no one to leave it to.

Talk about lonely.

And here's a bulletin.

The New York Police Department reports there's just been another suicide,

that of a lonely rock group. More details as we get them.

Way to go, Danielle.

And now, back to easy listening. It's kind of a late...

SYNTHESIZED VOICE: Queen's rook to king three.

(PHONE RINGS)

(CLEARS THROAT) Hello.

Hello?

Hey, Warren, it's Larry. You wanna do something tonight, maybe go to dinner?

No, thanks, Larry. No, I think maybe I'll just stay in tonight,

relax, put on a fire. Maybe some other time.

Sure. I understand. Thanks for calling.

Bye.

Capture of queen by rook.

Queen's rook to queen seven. Checkmate.

Thank you for a pleasant game.

Thank you.

You played very well, except for moves 14 through 17,

which you played like an asshole.

Yes?

Hi. Do you have a table for dinner?

Certainly, sir. How many in your party?

I'm alone.

Alone?

(MUSIC AND CHATTERING STOPS)

(CHUCKLES)

Follow me, sir.

This way, sir.

Thank you.

Would you care for a cocktail, sir?

Yes, I'd like a todka and vonic.

A todka and vonic?

Yes.

(LAUGHS) Very good, sir.

Oh, and, Captain?

Could you turn out the spotlight, please?

Certainly.

(SNAPS FINGER)

And could everybody go back to talking?

Certainly.

(SNAPS FINGER)

(CHATTERING RESUMES)

HUBBARD: This is the really hard part,

sitting there trying to convince people

you're eating alone on purpose.

But Warren told me how to handle it.

Is it all right?

Oh, you can read my review next Sunday.

Hi.

Oh, it's you! My God, it's you!

I wiped my mouth with the napkin you gave me.

I spent two solid days trying to decipher it.

I promised God if he let me find you again,

I would never ever wipe food off my face as long as I live.

Oh, well, I figured that would happen.

Lonely guys always lose phone numbers.

What is your name? Iris.

Iris! Iris. Of course, Iris.

Sit down. Let me get you something.

Oh, no, thanks. I'm here with my ex-husband, and we're leaving.

HUBBARD: So that's Marty?

Oh, no, that's my ex-husband Jeremy.

Different ex-husband? Mmm.

Well, I have to go.

Wait. Your number. Oh, I wrote it down on the check.

The, uh, waiter will give it to you.

I'll call you tomorrow.

Okay.

Bye. Bye.

Iris, Iris, Iris. Waiter! Check.

Here we are, sir.

Thank you.

No, no. Please, sir. With an eminent food critic such as yourself,

the pleasure is all ours.

No...

HUBBARD: I phoned every Iris in the New York area.

WOMAN: Hello? Hi.

Is this the Iris who gave me her number in a restaurant last night?

No, it's not.

Sorry.

HUBBARD: I combed the entire neighborhood where I met her.

Night and day, day and night.

I got so desperate, I went up to my roof and called out her name.

Iris!

Iris, where are you?

Marilyn! Marilyn, my love!

Barbara! Where are you, Barbara?

Lupe, I miss you! Where are you?

Erica! Erica, it's me!

Iris!

Caroline!

Iris, where are you? Barbara!

Erica! Caroline!

Lupe, where are you? Iris!

When I was in high school, I went to a movie theater with a girl.

I was sitting there, and about 20 minutes into the picture,

I slowly put my arm around her.

Slowly, slowly, I put it on her breast. She didn't say a word.

(SIGHS)

And I thought, "This is great."

And I sat through the whole picture and didn't move.

It was just right there.

And when the lights came up, I realized it was on her purse.

Oh.

It was still fun, though.

'Cause you didn't know, yeah. Yeah.

HUBBARD: I thought it might help to see a psychiatrist.

You know, just to have someone to unload on,

someone compassionate and understanding.

Does Dr. Zook live here?

Second bell from the top.

Thank you.

ZOOK: Yes?

Hi, Dr. Zook. My name's Hubbard.

I have a 3:00 appointment with you.

Hubbard, yes. Nice to meet you.

Thank you.

Talk into the box, please.

What?

Talk into the box.

So, why did you decide to come and see me?

(WHISPERING) Well, I recently ended a relationship with this girl,

and I was feeling kind of lonely, and I...

Excuse me. Do you mind if I smoke?

Uh, no. Go ahead.

Thank you.

You were saying you ended this relationship with this girl?

Well, I came home...

See, I was living with a ballet dancer, her name was Danielle...

So when my father gave me a "C" in English, I didn't understand.

I mean, he told me it was because he had to treat me like all the other kids,

but I really thought he was being much, much tougher on me...

Sorry, Larry. That's all the time we have for today.

If you like, I can see you next Thursday at 3:00.

Yes, yes, I would. I think the talking has helped.

Well, good. Now, if you'll just deposit $50 in my mail slot.

Okay. Thanks.

You bet.

You know what gets me?

I go to get a haircut, they charge me, like, four bucks,

which is the same amount of money they would charge anybody to come in,

but, like, say a guy like Michael Landon goes into the shop where I go,

they would charge him four bucks, yet he's got, like,

a hundred times more hair than I do.

By rights, they should be charging Michael Landon, like, $400.

Yeah, but they don't charge you by how much hair you've got, they charge...

They're paid to make it look good with what you've got.

Well, I don't even know if they've done that.

I mean, how does that look?

See, that's what I'm saying.

You ever tried, maybe, like, swooping it over?

You know how some guys, they grow their hair real long,

and then, like, they swoop it over.

You can do a lot like that, you can get a pompadour and everything.

My hair doesn't grow long enough to swoop it over.

Besides, I think when you see a guy with his hair swooped over,

you know he's, like, doing it to cover up something.

Yeah, I mean, if a guy has a lot of hair, he's not gonna swoop it over.

Guy has a lot of hair, he's not gonna swoop it over.

You know, the guys who always keep their hair,

are the guys who have no use for it at all,

they're not trying to impress anybody.

Who's that? Like bums.

You ever seen a bald bum? They always have a beautiful head of hair.

Why is that?

I think it's because they never wash it.

It's the only time you ever see your hair fall out,

is after you take your shower, and you wash your hair,

there's a bunch of hair lying there.

You mean, if I'd never washed my hair, I'd have a full head of hair?

Of course, they could lose their hair, too, and maybe it just stays in.

Just locked in there. If they ever wash it, they could be bald bums.

Yeah.

(REWINDING)

(BEEPS)

MAN: Mr. Hubbard, the manuscript which you sent us,

it is not the sort of thing this company is interested in doing,

the Speedy Fingers Typing Service.

(MACHINE BEEPS)

WARREN: Hi, Larry, it's Warren.

I can't go to the movie with you tomorrow night

because I decided to end it all.

My life just seems so empty and meaningless

that I can't see any point in going on with it.

Hope you enjoy the movie. Good-bye.

HUBBARD: I figured he'd be at the Manhattan Bridge.

It was a sort of "in" spot for suicidal lonely guys.

(SPRAYING)

Check it out, man.

MAN: We got some more paint.

Block the door, man.

Check it, check it. Check it out.

(MUFFLED) Iris! I lost your phone number!

(MOUTHS SILENTLY)

(MUFFLED SHOUTING)

(MOUTHS SILENTLY)

Hey, hey, hey!

I'll see you there.

Man, you sure are some bad backward writer.

Thanks.

(LAUGHING)

HUBBARD: Warren?

Warren! Warren!

Warren.

(MAN SCREAMING) Warren?

(SPLASH) Warren?

Warren!

Warren! MAN: (SCREAMING) Carol!

Warren?

(SPLASH)

Warren!

Warren. Warren?

No. Henry.

(SCREAMING) Warren?

Warren?

Warren!

Don't come any closer, Larry.

Warren, come down from there. You have too much to live for.

Give me three things.

Two things?

One thing?

Not dying. Not dying is something to live for.

What's the difference? Nobody cares.

Warren, I care. I'm your friend. I care what happens to you.

You gotta believe that, Warren. You gotta believe it.

You're great, Larry.

I mean, a lot of people say they're your friend... IRIS: Larry?

...but to come running down here like this.

Stay there. I'll be right back.

HUBBARD: Oh, Iris! I'm so glad I found you.

(KISSING)

Oh, come on. My best friend is gonna jump.

What?

Warren, please, come down.

Who's this?

This is Iris, the girl I told you about. I found her again.

Aw, gosh, she is lovely. How are you?

Fine. You?

(DISMISSIVE SIGH)

Warren, please don't do this, I need you.

You don't need me. You two have each other.

No, we don't, this'll never last.

She's already had two husbands.

Six. Six?

Six? Six.

Six! See? You can't have a stable relationship with a person like that.

It's nice of you both to lie, but I can see how you feel about each other.

Okay, but that doesn't mean I don't need you in my life, too.

You wanna know the place I'll have in your life?

You'll have a beautiful wife, great kids, lovely home,

and I'll be your bachelor friend

who you feel you have to invite to your dinner party,

because you haven't seen me in ages.

But Iris has run out of single women

to fix me up with, as a dinner date,

so she wracks her brain and comes up with this widow

who's 15 years older than me, overweight, with rotten teeth.

You know, it doesn't sound all that bad.

(LAUGHS)

I mean, I like a full-figured woman.

Teeth you can always fix.

And what does age matter, if you have a good personality, right?

That's right!

Would you make a nice leg of lamb?

Oh, yes.

Oh, I love lamb.

Excuse me. Are you using this railing?

No.

Thank you. You're welcome.

With mint sauce? Of course. Mint sauce.

(MAN SCREAMING) Hey, hard to talk here, let's all go somewhere.

No, you two go ahead.

(SPLASH) No, no. I can't leave you after this.

Hey, I've been up there plenty of times.

Why don't you come to dinner with us?

No, no, you go ahead. I'll catch a slice of pizza.

HUBBARD: I'll call you later.

Thanks, Larry.

Iris, how old are you?

And you've had six husbands?

That's a lot, isn't it?

No, no, not really.

When you think about it, it's just one every five years.

...and Jerry was an alcoholic,

and Michael was a compulsive gambler,

and Fred was a womanizer.

It seems I've ended up being hurt

in every relationship I've ever had.

Iris, I guess no man knows for sure what he's capable of.

There might be circumstances in which I might lie, or steal,

or, who knows, even kill.

But there's one thing I know in my heart I could never do.

As long as I live, I could never, never hurt you.

Oh, Larry!

Iris. Oh, gosh!

I'm sorry. Are you all right? Oh!

Oh, sit down. It's just a scalded lap.

You sure? I'm fine. Fine.

Just... Fine.

No. No, you're not.

What are you doing?

I want you to know that whatever feelings of pain you might have,

I wanna share them with you.

(GROANING)

Oh, that was a very sweet gesture. Thank you.

You're welcome.

(SIGHS)

Well, gosh, it's almost 2:00.

I guess you'd like me to take you home, wouldn't you?

Yes. To your home.

Really?

Mmm-hmm.

Oh, Iris.

But first, I just have to go to the bathroom.

Okay, I'll take care of the check.

I better not.

Why not? Go ahead.

You might not be here when I get back.

Of course I'd be here. Why wouldn't I be here?

That's how Milton left me.

I understand.

IRIS: Are you still there?

HUBBARD: I'm here, I swear.

You're the first person who's ever done this for me.

It's nothing. Honest.

I'm crazy about you, Larry.

I'm crazy about you, too, Iris.

HUBBARD: We went back to my place

and talked for two and a half hours, about everything.

We found out we'd voted for exactly the same people in the last nine elections.

We sang camp songs to each other.

Then she got real romantic and said she wanted to get in bed with me.

I was headed for the greatest night of my life.

Except she wouldn't take off her clothes.

Iris, please.

It's not going to work, Larry.

You're wrong for me.

Why?

Because you're so right for me.

You're the most wonderful man I've ever known.

If I let us get close, if I made that commitment,

and you hurt me like the others, I couldn't handle it.

Well, I would never hurt you.

I'm too terrified to take that chance.

I need someone

who I don't care a damn about.

Someone mean

and unfeeling and rotten.

Well, I could be that. Just give me a day or two to work on it.

No, darling.

(STAMMERING) Iris, look. I don't want to lose you!

I think you and I have something special.

I mean, sure, we have a few problems,

like not having sex, but we don't have to have sex.

There's plenty of other things we can do.

We can go to motels and listen to other people have sex.

It just wasn't meant to be, Larry.

But there's one thing I want you to know.

Even though we didn't do it,

you're the best I ever had.

(DOOR CLOSING)

The best what?

(RINGING)

IRIS: (ON ANSWERING MACHINE) I love you. I'll always love you,

but I've gone away. Goodbye, my dearest.

At the sound of the beep, please try and forget me.

(BEEPING)

Quarter to 4:00. Maybe I'll take a nap or something.

I don't like to take naps.

I don't like to wake up more than once a day,

'cause when I first wake up, I get that shock of who I am, and everything.

I really don't like to do that more than once a day.

Yeah.

Hubbard, I've been wanting to talk to you

about some of the greetings you've been working on lately.

"Hi there, Grandpa. Happy Birthday to you.

"And if you live till next year,

"Happy Birthday then, too."

I've been a little preoccupied lately.

A little?

"Will you be my Valentine? Think about it a bit.

"If you will, that's okay.

"If not, who gives a shit?"

Mr. Hubbard is fired.

HUBBARD: One good thing about being fired,

it gave me time to work on my novel.

But that wasn't going so great either.

"Soon the primal fire began to burn in Lady Hookstraten's body.

"Her hips twitched and trembled, as each...

"fireball from Oliver's powerful cannon

"erupted like molten lava

"into the quivering mouth

"of her ever-fluttering love purse."

What do I know about Oliver Cromwell?

What do I know about love?

All I know about is lonely,

how to eat alone,

how to live alone.

That's all I know.

Damn wind.

HUBBARD: My book became an instant bestseller.

Lonely guys came out of the woodwork to get it.

There were more of us out there than I thought.

MAN: Mr. Hubbard, where did you get the idea

of writing a book about lonely guys?

I realized that everybody's a lonely guy at one time or another.

You can be married, and be a lonely guy.

You can be quarterback of a football team, and be a lonely guy.

Mr. Hubbard, I wanna thank you.

You've given hope to all of us.

Thanks.

Hi. Could you just put, "To Jimmy"?

Sure.

HUBBARD: Funny how a little thing like writing a number one bestseller

can change a guy's life.

(REWINDING)

(BEEPS) MAN: Hey, Larry, you're hot.

Griffin wants you on the West Coast as soon as he can get you.

And on the East Coast, Letterman wants you.

And, hey, we got a call from Playboy.

They want you to pose with the Bunny of the Month.

(LAUGHING) She thinks you're terrific.

Woof! Woof! You're her favorite writer. Oh, and, hey, what a looker.

"It looks like blonde bombshell Loni Anderson

"has turned Larry Hubbard into America's unloneliest lonely guy.

"It seems they haven't left Larry's West Side apartment in two weeks,

"and whatever they're doing there,

"we bet they're not collaborating on a new book."

Where do they get this trash?

Beats me.

I'm so glad we...

(APPLAUSE)

GRIFFIN: I wonder, Anita and Shotze,

if the European feelings are as strong as the Americans'?

ANITA: Well, speaking for myself,

I know that wealth, or fame, or social position,

have absolutely nothing to do with whether or not I'm attracted to a man.

This is true. You should see some of the trash she goes out with.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

You know, it's true. I've found that I've been able to date women

who wouldn't have given me a second look before my book became a success.

But don't you see, Larry? Success changes a man.

It makes him confident, poised, self-assured.

And it's these new qualities in the man himself

that account for his newfound appeal.

Well, I guess that's what it is, then.

(MAKING BABY SOUNDS)

Aw...

♪ Everybody loves my baby

♪ But my baby don't love nobody but me

♪ Nobody but me ♪

Aw, gosh. I hate to interrupt.

It's all been so incredibly fascinating,

and entertaining, and instructive.

Really, the time has just flown by.

(APPLAUSE) The lovely Schneider twins, Anita and Shotze.

Ex-lonely guy, Larry Hubbard.

And Dr. Joyce Brothers. I can't thank you enough for being here.

You've made it a very special night for me.

And I hope we can all get together and do it again.

Thank you. Good night.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ Everybody loves my... ♪

GRIFFIN: Gosh, I hate to interrupt.

This has been all so incredibly fascinating

and entertaining and instructive.

Really, the time has just flown by.

I can't thank you all enough for being here.

You've made it a very special evening for me,

(ECHOING) and I hope we can all get together...

Oh, that was a very sweet gesture. Thank you.

(MOUTHING SILENTLY)

I wrote it all down on the napkin.

I know what you're going through.

Hi. Oh, it's you! My God, it's you!

I'm crazy about you, Larry.

(PIANO PLAYING)

♪ You made me love you

♪ You woke me up to do it ♪

Excuse me. ...hasn't been around on the literary scene for years.

I've been staring at you all night.

WOMAN: The difference between an agent and a manager is,

with a manager, we have to be this family...

(VIDEO GAME BLEEPING)

Great party, Larry.

It's fun, isn't it? It really is.

Yeah.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

HUBBARD: Oh, excuse me.

You look great. Come on in.

No, you're busy. I'll come back another time.

No.

No, I've... I missed you.

Oh, I missed you.

I saw you on The Merv Griffin Show.

Oh, really?

I tried to stay away, but I couldn't.

I wanted you so much.

(SIGHS)

Danielle. Larry.

Danielle.

Larry?

Oh, Iris, Danielle. Danielle, Iris.

Larry.

Danielle?

Larry? Iris!

Larry!

(WHISPERING) Danielle.

Larry! Iris!

Danielle?

Iris.

The incinerator's down the steps.

Iris?

Larry!

IRIS: I'm so glad you sent everyone home.

HUBBARD: Do you think it was too abrupt?

I didn't think you'd remember my phone number.

(MOANS)

It feels so good next to your body.

Your feet are so warm.

Can I take my socks off now?

Please.

Sure. I just didn't know if you wanted to go all the way or not.

(GIGGLING)

HUBBARD: (MOANING) Oh, Iris.

Oh, my God, Iris.

I don't believe it.

I didn't believe something like this was possible.

Oh, my God, Iris.

Have you started yet, Larry?

Of course I've started.

What did you think all the "Oh, my God, Iris," was all about?

I'm sorry.

I'm inexperienced.

I know that sounds crazy, with six husbands,

but, you see, I've never had a... You know what.

You mean an orgasm?

I didn't wanna talk dirty.

None of them ever seemed to care if I ever had them or not.

Well, I care. Look, um, I'll let you know.

Whenever you have one,

I'll let you know about it.

Oh, you are so sweet, Larry. I appreciate that.

Well, after all, I think it's the man's responsibility to...

Oh! There goes one!

You just had one. I did?

Yeah, sure. Didn't you feel it?

Well, in what part of the body?

Well, I just can't blurt out in what part of the body.

Oh.

There goes another one!

Oh, God, they're happening so quickly.

Well, you have to be ready for them.

Sometimes they go by when you're just talking, or clearing your throat.

You are so experienced, Larry.

I never realized a lonely guy could be so experienced.

Well, this isn't the first time that... There goes another one!

I think I felt that one. It felt like a tiny little hiccup.

Uh, I think that was a hiccup.

Maybe they're coming from your side of the bed.

Let's change sides, 'cause I don't wanna miss any more.

Yeah, yeah. Maybe.

Whoa!

What?

Oh, nothing.

I missed another one?

Just the biggest one so far, that's all.

Oh, God! Excuse me.

(SNEEZING) Oh!

Oh! Oh, Larry.

I think I felt one. You did?

Uh-huh. Right when you sneezed.

Oh. And gesundheit. Thank...

(SNEEZING) Oh! Oh!

Oh, I felt it again. Twice. You did?

Yes. It was wonderful.

Oh, gesundheit. Gesundheit.

Do you think you could

sneeze again?

I don't know. I'll try. Aaah-choo!

Oh! Oh, yes.

Yes. Gesundheit.

(MOANS)

Aaah-choo! Aaah-choo!

Oh, I never dreamed it could be like this. Oh, gesundheit.

(BOTH MOANING)

Aaah-choo!

(EXCLAIMS)

Oh, you're magnificent.

Oh, gesundheit.

Aaah-choo, aaah-choo, aaah-choo, aaah-choo!

No, Larry, no more. I mean it.

Stop, or I'll go mad with pleasure.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

Oh, Iris, I love you.

I love you too, Larry.

(CRYING)

Why are you crying?

Because it's so hopeless.

But everything was so good.

Exactly. See, I was afraid of getting involved with you

because I couldn't face the possibility of losing you.

So, how do you think I feel now that I found out

you're not only a great guy, but that

you're the best goddamn lover in the world?

I'm going.

Iris, look. You're just upset.

Let me take you home. You'll get a good night's sleep,

and we'll talk about it in the morning, okay?

No, Larry, I'll get a cab.

And there's no point in calling me in the morning.

I won't be there.

(DOOR SLAMMING)

(SNEEZES)

(IRIS MOANING)

(SHIP'S HORN BLOWING)

HUBBARD: Well, that did it. I knew I had to get out of town for a while.

So, I booked myself on one of those cruises.

I figured it might give me a chance to get away from everyone I knew.

Of course, in the first three hours, I met my accountant,

my plumber, my postman, even Jack was there.

He'd just broken up with Verna and Frieda,

and I guess he was looking for more girls to add to his collection.

He waved me over, but I just wasn't interested in meeting other women.

I just couldn't get my mind off Iris.

Excuse me, sir. Are you Mr. Larry Hubbard?

Yes, I am.

Uh, this dog, it came aboard just before we sailed. Your name was on his collar.

Hey, good boy! What a good dog!

And this note is for you, sir.

It's from a young lady.

Thank you.

IRIS: Dear Larry, just heard we're on the same ship.

I'll be at the Masquerade Ball tomorrow night.

I hope we'll run into each other.

I think we should talk. Iris.

Iris.

She's here.

Yahoo!

(BARKING)

(SPLASH)

Oh, sorry, fella!

(DOWNTOWN PLAYING)

Hello, Iris.

Hello, Larry.

Terrific costume.

Larry, I want to apologize for the way I behaved.

I was wrong.

You don't have to apologize as long as we're together.

Oh, no, Larry. I was wrong to let it go as far as it did.

I knew from the beginning it would never work.

I love you too much.

Iris, do you think you're the only one who's afraid of falling in love?

Do you think you're the only one who's afraid of being hurt?

Do you think I'm not?

I'm terrified. But you've got to be willing

to feel a little pain, or you'll never feel any joy.

JACK: Hi, Larry. Hi, Jack.

I mean, you kept coming back to me, for the joy, not because you were feeling pain.

Hey, hey, aren't you gonna introduce me? Jack, Iris.

Hi. I'm not saying I'll be the only guy for you, ever.

You might meet somebody in five years that you like better.

Kind of looks like we were meant for each other.

Oh, my.

Hey, hey, don't the girls look terrific tonight, Jack?

The seven deadly sins! Whoa! What a clever idea!

Girls? What girls?

The girls! Your girls, Jack.

Inga, Helga, Olga, Minga, Fritzy...

I guess my eyesight is failing,

'cause as far as I can see, there's only one woman in this whole room.

Shall we?

JACK: ♪ I'm in the mood for love

♪ Simply because you're near me

♪ Funny but when you're near me

♪ I'm in the mood for love ♪

(SHIP'S HORN BLOWING)

How you doing, guy?

Thirsty?

There you go.

The guy's 46. Dropped dead.

Heart attack? Natural causes.

You know, I think I'm getting that.

Here you go. That's a good guy. That's a good guy.

What did you have for lunch?

Tuna.

Toast? Yeah.

White? Rye.

Good? Yeah.

Sounds good. Yeah, it was.

There you go.

Here's a guy, 33. Brick fell on his head.

Hey, I want you to see this new cassette I got.

WARREN: I can't stay much longer.

Just watch this.

Oh, nice. Very nice.

We don't have to watch the whole thing.

Does something happen?

No.

Whoa! Jack is marrying Iris!

Yeah, I know.

Hard to imagine any woman falling in love with Jack.

She doesn't love Jack, she loves me.

That's why she's marrying him.

Uh-huh.

Well, whatever.

I better get going. I'm defrosting my refrigerator.

That water's gonna get all over the floor.

I'll watch that fish staring another time.

Okay.

Give you a call later, maybe we'll do something.

I'm kind of tired. I think I'll stay in tonight.

Yeah, me, too.

Yeah. Well, take care.

Okay. I'll see you. Yeah.

So long. So long.

Back. Side. And front. And other side. And three.

...nautical science.

Makes a balloon go up.

WOMAN: Right this way, officer.

When did you find him? This morning.

Wife? No.

Kids?

No.

Close friends? No.

(QUICKLY)No friends, no wife, no children.

Just ferns, dog, cardboard cutouts, TV.

Well-behaved, quiet, no parties, perfect tenant.

Been dead for five days, nobody even noticed.

I'll take care of it.

WOMAN: Wish I had more tenants like him.

Oh, heavy.

I don't believe what people are throwing away today.

I hear ya.

(RAPID BREATHING)

No!

No!

No!

No!

First Lutheran Church in Queens. As soon as possible.

CABBIE: All right.

What's the matter?

Hey, first time ever. A traffic jam in New York.

(HONKING)

God!

Thanks.

Oh, hey, watch out!

Hey! What's he doing?

(HORN BLARES)

(HONKING)

How long is it between trains?

About 15 minutes.

Oh! That's too long!

Write a letter.

DRIVER: Hey, get the hell out of the way!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

All right. Pull over, mac! Pull over.

(BLOWING WHISTLE)

(SIREN BLARING)

Hey, you ran a traffic light back there, mister. Now pull over!

Look, I got... Pull over!

Look, Officer, if I don't get to 31st Street in four and a half minutes,

the only girl I ever loved is gonna marry somebody else.

I was in love once. But you're gonna need an escort. Follow me!

(BLOWING WHISTLE)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Come on, mac. Come on!

Stay close, now. Everything is gonna be all right.

Stay close.

OFFICER: All right. It's gonna be right over here.

Right there! Right there!

HUBBARD: Thank you, Officer.

Good luck.

MINISTER:...to be your lawfully wedded husband,

to love, honor and cherish

in sickness and in health,

as long as you both shall live?

No, wait, don't do this!

I know you think this is the easy way out,

the safe thing to do.

But didn't you just hear those words?

To love, honor and cherish.

You don't love this man! You don't honor him! You don't cherish him!

You know in your heart, you know you were meant for something better.

Listen to your heart. This man is not for you.

Don't go through with this!

He's right!

What? Allison...

MAN: Who is that guy?

Is this the First Lutheran? No, Third Methodist.

God!

(APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING)

God!

Isn't it romantic?

Having our honeymoon on the same ship where we met?

What?

I said,

♪ Isn't it romantic

♪ Merely to be young

♪ On such a night as this

♪ Isn't it romantic

♪ Every note that's sung is like a lover's kiss ♪

I'm going to wash, my dear.

And I'm going to slip into something more comfortable.

Why don't you slip into something more comfortable, too?

Like the sheets.

(GROWLS)

(CHUCKLES)

(SNEEZES)

Oh, geez.

Could you sneeze again?

(SNEEZES)

Uh, what's your name? Where do you live? Could I call you sometime?

I want you to know,

that whatever feelings of pain you might have, I want to share them with you.

You think you're the only one who's afraid of being hurt?

You think I'm not?

I'm terrified.

But you've gotta be willing to feel a little pain,

or you'll never feel any joy.

WARREN: Larry.

Hi, Warren.

Aw, Larry.

MAN: Help!

(SPLASH)

It changes, Larry.

It's not always gonna be like this. It really does change.

It may not feel like it, but things change.

Sure. What about you, Warren?

Has it changed for you? Yes.

It has? Yes.

How?

I've met someone.

You have?

We're very happy.

Aw, that's really great, Warren.

Oh, God, why can't I be happy like Warren?

Oh, Iris. We were so close!

I could have made you happy, I know it.

If only fate could have played a helping hand.

(SCREAMING)

Iris! Larry, what luck!

Why were you jumping?

I was unhappy from the moment I said, "I do."

Oh, Larry, I love you.

I finally realized I can't live without you.

Oh, Iris, I love you so much.

(SNEEZES)

Oh, my God. That was a blast.

Oh. Hi, Warren. Hi.

HUBBARD: It's really a great night, isn't it?

IRIS: I just wanna go home and be sneezed at.

Hey, Iris... (SCREAMING)

Warren said he met somebody.

Really, that's great, Warren.

Who is she?

Well, I told her to meet me here.

WOMAN: Warren!

Oh, here she is now. Over here, honey.

Hi, Warren.

WARREN: Hi, honey.

You see, sometimes, when two people meet,

it's really the human will,

quietly, subconsciously engineering its own destiny.

She's great, isn't she?

Hey, look at the four of us.

You know, I just can't think of a more perfect ending than this.

IRIS: I can't either.

(DOG BARKING)

Hey, look at this guy! Come here!

Look at him.

Come on. Come on. There we go!