Original subtitles

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidant

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see

♪ The biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card attached would say

♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪

What are you doin', Rose?

I'm wrapping Miles' birthday present.

I got him a golf club.

But don't tell him. It's a surprise.

Rose, honey, you've got to use some imagination.

Now, I know what men like for their birthdays.

They like a surprise that makes their libidos stand up

and say, "Hello, there."

Oh, I know!

You can give Miles one of those boudoir photographs.

You know, where you pose for pictures in sexy lingerie?

Oh, I don't know. I'd feel cheap like...

Well, like you.

Oh, Rose, come on, it's a great idea.

The pictures are just an intimate way

to let a fellow know he's the one and only man in your life.

I've done it 20, 30 times.

Oh, Dorothy, how would you feel about a birthday present

of a picture of me in sexy lingerie?

I'd rather have the cash.

Actually, it's not for you. It's for Miles.

He'd rather have the cash.

Wait a minute. Are you talking about

those ridiculous pictures Blanche puts on her Christmas cards?

Those cards are a moving tribute to the spirit of the season.

A moving tribute?

The three wise men and you in a teddy

following the Christmas star?

Listen, Rose, if you're not doing anything right now,

why don't you come with me to Career Day at school?

And after I finish speaking,

we can go out shopping for a gift for Miles.

You're speaking at Career Day?

Yeah. Not that I want to.

They have me working in the "Careers in Teaching" booth.

Oh, Miles is gonna be there, too,

speaking about teaching in college.

Oh, speaking at Career Day is quite a responsibility.

I still remember Career Day back in St. Olaf.

Check, please.

Gunther Hanchap, St. Olaf's leading shepherd and notary, came to speak.

(SIGHS) It was so moving when he talked

about his solitary existence with the sheep.

No human contact for months at a time.

(EXCLAIMS) Just building a special relationship with God's simple creatures.

I really wanted to help.

So you decided to become a shepherd?

No. I decided to give Gunther a case of Scotch.

And he really appreciated it,

until he discovered what mean drunks sheep are.

They're kind of like cows when they're drunk.

You know what I mean?

Actually, that shepherd was probably better qualified

to speak at Career Day than I.

I mean, how can I tell the kids

how rewarding teaching is

when I really don't feel that way anymore?

And I'm... I'm so frustrated.

Budgets are tight. Classes are crowded.

If I'm lucky, I get to substitute an English class.

But usually it's... Oh, I can't even say it.

Driver's Ed?

God, how I hate putting up those damn cones.

Oh, Dorothy, come on. Now, you'll do just fine.

I will never forget Career Day at my high school.

It was a turning point in my life.

That was the day I decided I was gonna marry a man who had one.

Anyway, as I was saying, teaching has many rewards,

but none so great as knowing that you've passed on the tradition

of American education.

Now, are there any questions?

Yes, Mrs. Zbornak, what does Joe have to say about all this?

Joe who? Jo mama!

Rose, I think we ought to call that boudoir photographer today

and make an appointment.

Blanche, I told you, I am not gonna do it.

Well, then you are makin' a big mistake.

If you don't make yourself more interesting to Miles,

you're gonna lose him.

Listen, he's at school every day with other women

just lookin' for trouble.

Oh, no, he is not.

Okay, look at him right now talkin' to that young thing.

I know exactly what he's sayin', too.

He's sayin', "Hey, Cindy,

"why don't I buy you a drink? Or, even better, let's both get naked."

(IN A HIGH VOICE) "Why that is a great idea.

"And I would say yes in a minute,

"but I thought you had a girlfriend."

(IN A LOW VOICE) "Aw, we have an understandin', honey.

"I don't tell her I'm foolin' around,

"and she doesn't ask any questions. Heh, heh, heh."

Blanche! I think I've heard just about enough.

I don't want to hear another word about this.

All right. All right. Have it your way.

We have to get to the photographer now!

And so, are there any questions?

Yeah. What does "Joe" have to say about all this?

(ALL LAUGHING)

Mrs. Zbornak? That's right.

You taught English. Eastwick High? 1975?

When Mr. Martinez had his sex change?

Yes, I was there for the whole semester

while he went shopping for new clothes.

How's he doing?

He married Mr. Adkins, the gym teacher.

Do I know you?

Oh, you probably don't remember.

Randy Becker? American Lit?

Of course I...

My God, what are you doing here?

That's my booth over there, Borealis.

Ah, Randy "Mr. Ditch" Becker.

And I knew where you were ditching every time, too.

At the arcade, wasting hour after hour,

day after day playing those senseless pinball machines.

Boy, look at you now.

Tell me, what business are you in?

Video games.

I've made millions in video games.

Oh, this is so strange.

You know, you teach kids year after year, but you...

You never know how they turn out.

Look at you. You turned out just great.

(LAUGHS) Hey, '75 was a big year for me.

My grades were in the toilet.

I was ready to bail.

Till they brought in "Atilla The Sub."

I loved that name.

I earned that name.

Boy, you really got on my case.

I appreciate what you did, Mrs. Zbornak.

Oh, please. Tilla.

You know, I just had the craziest idea.

If you can inspire goof-off kids like me,

think what you could do with my sales force.

What're you talking about?

Well, it just so happens that I need

a motivational trainer, a teacher.

You'd be perfect.

Randy Becker, are you offering me a job?

The benefits are pretty good, the pay's great,

and you'd have a health plan. Well...

I just have to see what Joe has to say about all of this.

Oh, you... You just have to see

what Joe has to say about all this, huh?

And this Joe, would he happen to be "Jo mama"?

Uh, Joe Stewart. He's my business partner.

Oh, of course. No, Joe Mama's with IBM.

Are you going to take Rose to that dirty picture place?

Yep. I'm just sorry I didn't think of it

in time to have her picture painted.

I've always wanted to sit for a portrait.

An artist could use his palette

to bring out my distinctive personality,

my Southern fieriness.

He could showcase my inner beauty.

Plus, he could cheat and paint your head to scale.

Well, how do I look?

Look at Dorothy, ready for her first day

as a successful businesswoman.

Go get 'em, tiger.

You look wonderful, Dorothy,

but don't you think those shoulder pads

make you seem a little aggressive?

I'm not wearing shoulder pads.

Oh.

(LAUGHING)

Well, in that case, go get 'em, tiger.

You know, Ma, I've been thinking.

Since I got a raise in salary,

you should get one in your allowance, too.

And you ask why I love this woman?

Somebody deserves a hug for that.

But before I do, let's find out exactly how much I love you.

Ah, come on. I love you more than that.

Stan loved you more than that.

Love, love, love that woman.

(DOROTHY LAUGHS)

Well, I'm off. Wish me luck.

Oh, wait a minute, pussycat, I almost forgot.

I packed your lunch.

Oh, Ma, you didn't have to do that.

I wanted to. Besides, it's the exact same lunch

I packed you on your first day of school. Oh.

Salami and a thermos of wine.

Remember, Dorothy, when you go to work today, be proud.

You're a Petrillo, which in Italian means,

"Hey, I'm on a break here."

I'm ready.

Where are you going with that thing?

This is what I'm wearing for the photographer.

It's the nightgown that makes Miles, you know, hot.

Maybe it's the, you know, flannel.

Rose, you don't understand.

You cannot wear something that Miles sees you in all the time.

Honey, this is fantasy.

You have to dress up to please him.

Now, maybe I can help you come up with a costume.

What's he like?

Well, he's serious, and conservative,

and concerned about the world around him.

I know, a nursie. He'd like a nursie.

Good afternoon, gentlemen. My name is Dorothy Zbornak,

and for the next week we will be exploring the skills involved

in articulating ideas and relating them to other people.

(ALL GROANING)

Now I realize a lot of you haven't been in a classroom in years,

but I promise you, this will not be like school.

I have already read the book for the class, which is interesting,

and I've also completed all the assignments for the class.

Plus, this is a special report that I have written

based on the extra research that I have done for the class.

We're never gonna beat you people, are we?

Now the rest of us have a lot of material to cover today

if we don't want to fall behind.

You're not really gonna teach, are you?

Well, that is the idea.

Look, listen, lady, we're here because we know how to do our jobs.

That's why they gave us a free week in Miami.

I mean, usually we come to a seminar like this

and you check off our names

and we go play some golf.

You're happy, we're happy.

(ALL WHISPER IN AGREEMENT)

Okay, Harry, I've just checked off your name. You're free to go.

If anybody else would care to go, feel free.

However, if you'd like to learn something,

then I strongly suggest that you stay.

Now that's a good one.

Oh, that's a nice one, too.

Really? You don't think I'm showing too much skin?

Rose, move your thumb.

(EXCLAIMS)

Oh, and look at this one.

That's beautiful. Absolutely breathtaking.

That looks like somethin' you'd see on a calendar

in a muffler shop.

Oh, go on. Do you really think that's right for Miles?

He's never seen that side of me before.

You mean, the wanton Rose?

The harlot? The elemental woman

who cries out for the fiery, passionate response of an elemental man?

Is that the side you mean?

Actually, I meant my heinie.

Miles and I always make love with the lights off.

Always?

Always.

Well, except for the time we were listening to this concert on radio.

(LAUGHING) And when the applause started,

his Clapper went crazy.

The lights went on, off, on, off, on, off.

(LAUGHING)

And Miles did his impression of the old King Kong,

and we laughed and laughed.

So I pretended I was Godzilla,

and we wrestled, got all sweaty.

Come to think of it, we never did make love that night.

If you didn't make love, what did you do?

Destroyed Tokyo.

Hi, Blanche. Hi. How was your first day at work?

Terrible. They don't want a teacher,

they just want a body to stand up there and look good

so everyone can write off the trip as a business expense.

Oh, and I had such high hopes for this job, too.

Now I have no option but to quit.

Oh, Dorothy Zbornak, you hush yourself.

What? Well, just because those people

don't want to learn, doesn't mean you can't teach.

Yes, it does.

Well, you know this stuff better than I do.

Oh, Dorothy, there you are.

Dorothy, I'd like you to meet my friend, Lillian.

Lillian, this is my daughter, Dorothy.

The Director of Executive Training for Borealis.

I think that beats your son, the cable installer.

So nice to meet you, Dorothy.

It--It's funny, though. What?

I've known Sophia for almost 25 years,

and until now, I didn't even know she had a daughter.

Well,

I'm sure she must have mentioned me.

No. She used to always talk about her parakeet, though.

Yeah, she loved that bird.

So, you were married to a prince?

Go with me on this one, pussycat.

I'll explain about the parakeet later.

MILES: Sweetheart, that was a wonderful dinner.

It was a birthday I shall never forget.

Well, this one isn't over yet.

It's time for your present.

Oh, hello, Fay Wray. Bring on the planes.

(GROWLS) Down, boy, down.

I'm talking about an actual gift.

Oh, an actual gift. Well...

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Who else can that be?

ALL: Surprise!

(LAUGHS) Oh, Rose, look who's here.

These are my colleagues from the English department.

Gentlemen, this is Rose.

MAN 1: Hi, Rose! MAN 2: Hello. What's new, Rose?

Come on in. I was just about to unwrap Rose's present here.

Oh, Miles, we don't have to do that right now.

Hey, hey, don't let us spoil your birthday party.

Go ahead and open it. Oh, come on, Rose.

No, Miles, please don't open it, please. Why?

(WHISPERING) Because it's a naughty picture of me.

Oh, a naughty picture of you. Oh, Rose Nylund.

(LAUGHING)

MILES: Whoa!

Gentlemen, before you all check your names off and leave,

I would like a few moments of your time.

When I first took this job,

I just assumed that teaching adults

would be easier than teaching kids.

Obviously, I was wrong.

True, it is hard to teach an old dog new tricks,

but, believe me, it is not impossible.

Open your minds.

Walk down new roads.

Shake the cobwebs from your brains.

You know, there's a time to play and a time to learn.

And believe me, gentlemen, your lives will be much better

if you make this a time to learn.

HARRY: That was very moving.

I'm almost tempted to stay.

That was very inspirational, Mrs. Zbornak.

And now, if you'll excuse me, I must catch up with Tojo.

Tojo who?

Tojo mama.

I got a message that you wanted to see me.

Am I in trouble?

I wanted you to come down here

so you'd see how good I was at firing up a class,

but obviously it backfired.

Hey, hey, it doesn't matter.

Look, this is a very easy job.

You know who did it before you?

A tape recorder. So, enjoy it.

This is my way of saying thank you.

No, I appreciate the gesture, but, um,

I think I'm better off in high school.

Why? What can you get there that I'm not giving you here?

A student like you.

You know, all these gentlemen were goof-offs.

And you were a goof-off,

but I managed to cut you off at the pass.

I figure the pass is about the 10th grade.

And that's where I belong.

Well, if that's what you really want to do, okay.

Hey, listen, if there's anything I can ever do for you,

you let me know, huh?

Well, you know, actually, I...

I do have an idea for a new video game.

Really?

Yeah. See, there's this very old, white-haired mother

who keeps talking and talking and talking,

and there're all these different ways to kill her.

Sounds kind of weird.

No, I've thought it all out.

And then when you arrive at level four,

then you get to just nuke her.

I mean, just nuke the hell out of her!

Oh, I know, honey. I know.

But you just gotta find a way to turn this negative into a positive.

Now, what was supposed to have been

a private, intimate moment between you and your boyfriend

turned into a sordid exhibition in front of strange men.

And what's the positive?

I slept with the photographer.

(BLANCHE WHISTLING)

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Rose, I came over as soon as I got rid of the guys.

Hey, what were you thinking dashing off that way?

I felt awful.

That picture was meant for you.

I feel like a complete fool.

Oh, sweetheart, no. Listen...

Listen, let me tell you something.

Back when I was in the army,

inside my locker I kept a picture of Betty Grable.

And she was wearing a lot less

than you were wearing in my birthday photo.

Sweetheart, she was the darling of America.

Miles, she was in her 20s,

and she had the most beautiful legs on the planet.

Uh! The second most beautiful.

Oh, Miles.

Rita Hayworth had a set of gams on her, boy!

Ah, well, no. Look, sweetheart, about the... About the age thing.

Something I read someplace, I've always believed.

You know, when you're... When you're young and beautiful,

it's an accident of nature,

but when you're beautiful older, you've earned it.

That you created yourself.

Do you really think my picture is beautiful?

Rose, if I still had a locker, you'd be in it.

Oh, Miles.

(DOOR OPENING)

Ma, what is that?

It's my new big screen TV,

thanks to you and the generous raise in my allowance.

Isn't she a beauty?

Only 1,300 easy payments.

Ma, we have to talk.

The salesman tried to jerk me around on the price,

but once he found out I was Jessica Tandy, I got a deal.

Ma, I wouldn't get too attached to this.

I've named her Tanya.

Ma, I quit my job at Borealis.

I'm going back to teaching.

Which means I'm really gonna have

to tighten the purse strings around here.

And this affects me how?

Ma, you're not making this any easier.

I quit because I wasn't happy there.

Would you want me to stay someplace I was unhappy

just because it paid well?

Yes, and I would encourage you to moonlight.

Ma, I quit because I wasn't reaching the students.

I wasn't getting through.

I'm going back to high school.

Look at this remote control.

Feel the heft. Feel the power.

I think I could start the car with this thing.

Ma, my mind is made up.

Whatever makes you happy, pussycat.

Thanks, Ma.

And I'm sorry, honey, but you're gonna have to send back the TV.

Not if I could pay for it myself.

Oh? How do you propose to do that?

I have the negatives from Rose's photo shoot.

It doesn't say much for this great land of ours,

but there's a market out there.

You know, Mrs. Petrillo, I've never had a woman your age

do a boudoir photograph.

Yeah, well, I want to have a good one for the obit.

Okay. Show me what you got.

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