Original subtitles

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidant

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see

♪ The biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card attached would say

♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪

Oh, Blanche, there you are.

Listen, honey, I have a favor I have to ask.

Oh, no, forget it. You're just gonna laugh.

No, I won't. Yes, you will.

No, I won't. Yes, you will.

You'll just turn it into one hearty laugh at my expense.

Now, Dorothy, this really hurts me.

I will not.

You won't even giggle? No.

Not even a titter?

Dorothy, I won't laugh.

Okay, I'll tell you, honey. I have a blind date tonight,

and I want you to go out with him.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

You're right, Dorothy.

This is one hearty laugh at your expense.

At least Blanche kept her word. She didn't laugh.

And you know why?

I was singing a little song in my mind.

Camptown Races.

I didn't hear a word you said.

She said she had a date tonight,

and she wants you to go out with him.

Oh, that's funny.

Hey, that is really funny.

I mean, that is funny!

It's even funnier the second time.

Ditto.

I'm sorry, Dorothy.

Yes, we're sorry, honey.

Now, come on and tell me why you need this favor.

No way. You'll only laugh again.

Now, stop it, Dorothy.

I really do wanna help you, if I can.

Yeah, we're not monsters.

We promise not to laugh.

(REPRESSING LAUGHTER) Right.

Well, all right, I want you to go out with my blind date tonight

because I have other plans.

Thank you.

(ALL SINGING CAMPTOWN RACES)

Now, just stop that.

Look, Blanche, are you gonna do this or not?

Because my date is on his way over,

and I just won a ticket on the radio

to a dinner theater Beatlemania.

Shut up, Ma.

Beatlemania? You're giving up a date for Beatlemania?

Oh, Rose, the Beatles were the first and only rock-and-roll group

that I ever really loved.

When they came to Shea Stadium, I managed to get a ticket,

but one of my kids came down with the flu.

It was one of those times when you have to pretend

that you love your kids more than something you really wanna do.

ALL: Oh, yeah. Right. Yeah.

Anyway, I've always regretted missing out on that one night of history.

Oh, Blanche, I never got to see them,

and the closest I'll ever get is Beatlemania.

It's not really the Beatles, but it's an incredible simulation.

Blanche, what do you say?

I say, go and have a good time.

(BLANCHE LAUGHING) Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Oh, Blanche, that was sweet of you.

Well, Dorothy's a good friend.

Besides, who knows?

Maybe this guy will turn out to be cute.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Hi, I'm Jerry. Is Dorothy Zbornak here?

Uh... Uh...

I'm Dorothy Zbornak.

Sophia, you stop that.

You are not Dorothy Zbornak.

I'm Dorothy Zbornak.

All right, all right, but I am a Petrillo,

and I've been known to make princes and kings leave their wives and palaces

and dance the bossa nova.

Excuse me, what does that mean?

I think it means today is placebo-pill day.

I'm going to bed.

(JERRY CHUCKLES)

This is all very confusing.

Now, I'm supposed to meet a Dorothy Zbornak at this address

at 7:30 for a dinner date.

So which one of you really is Dorothy Zbornak?

I am Dorothy's best friend, Blanche.

I'm filling in for her because she's dead.

Morning, Blanche. How was your date last night?

Ha! How was my date last night?

I woke up alone.

That's how my date was last night.

He didn't open my car door.

He did not escort me into the restaurant, didn't pull out my chair,

and then, when the check came, he made me pay half the bill!

What did I ever do to deserve that?

Sounds to me like you put out before dinner again.

♪ She loves you Yeah, yeah, yeah

♪ She loves you Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

"Yeah, yeah, yeah,"

you call that music?

"Hidy hidy ho," now that's music.

Ma, even you can't spoil my good mood.

Oh, what a glorious day.

Oh, you must have had a great time at Beatlemania last night.

Fabulous. It was just like seeing the Beatles.

And the fans? Oh! They went crazy.

They were screaming and jumping up and down just like it was the '60s.

I mean, everyone except me.

I mean, I had a fabulous time,

but I managed to retain my dignity.

Morning, blokes.

He followed me home, Ma.

Can I keep him? Can I, huh?

Dorothy, what's going on here?

Ma, this is Don. Don, my mother.

Ma, Don plays George in Beatlemania.

And Paul when Ernie's sick.

Well, good for you.

Dorothy?

What the hell are you doing with this loser?

Ma, he is not a loser.

He's a wonderful and gifted musician.

I know this sounds odd, but when he was on stage,

our eyes met and it was... Well, it was...

It was kismet.

Suddenly, we were spiritually-connected soul mates.

And then you threw your underwear at me, didn't you, love?

(CHUCKLING)

So sue me. I just got caught up in the moment.

And then, afterwards, we went for coffee,

and then, one thing led to another, and we wound up here.

Well, is that so bad?

I can't believe you.

Are you actually standing here,

telling your own mother you had sex with a complete stranger?

No, but it was an incredible simulation.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Blanche, I have to talk to you.

What? Do I owe you gas money?

Let me get my purse.

No, please let me explain the way I acted last night.

My wife died two years ago.

I really haven't dated since then.

I wanted to get back into the swing of things,

so I read up on what modern women want.

You know, equality,

pay their own way.

I guess it's all got me confused.

Oh, Jerry. Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.

Come over here.

Now, let me clear up any confusion you might have.

I don't want to be treated as your equal.

You don't?

I want to be treated a lot better than you.

I mean, really. Like a goddess

who likes to go bar hopping.

So what do you say, Blanche?

Go out with me again.

I don't know. I do hate breaking in widowers.

Actually, I feel more like a schoolboy.

I guess I could go out with a schoolboy.

Great.

♪ She loves you

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah

♪ She loves you ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah

♪ She loves you

BOTH: ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

That's Dorothy.

Really dodged a bullet, didn't you?

Girls, I have great news.

I finally convinced Don to quit Beatlemania.

Isn't that wonderful?

Dorothy, you're 60 years old

and breaking up fake rock-and-roll bands.

I want you to think about that.

Ma, will you stop it?

Thanks to me, Don can now perform his own songs.

Do you know what that makes me?

Yoko Zbornak?

His muse. His muse.

Well, actually, his old lady.

Don't you think I know what this is all about?

It's about that British Invasion

that's been going on in your bedroom.

Ma, this is about art and--and love and inspiration,

and you make it sound dirty.

Thank you.

Girls, I have a question, a vital question.

I want you to think long and hard before answering.

Am I ugly? Yes.

I mean, I've always thought of myself as ravishing,

but is something changing?

Is there... Is there, all of a sudden,

something disgusting and unattractive about me?

Yes.

Now, you cut it out, you old worm woman.

What's wrong, Blanche?

I'm in love. That's what's wrong.

I am desperately, completely, helplessly in love with Jerry.

Nobody since George has made me feel this way,

and I just hate it.

Why?

Oh, I don't even know if I can say this.

He won't touch me.

Five dates and not even a kiss.

Just when I finally meet somebody who can make me happy,

just when I need it the most...

Oh, I can't believe I'm about to say this.

Blanche Devereaux has lost her sex appeal.

They're always the last to know.

What are you looking for, Blanche?

Batteries.

You know, I bought one of those subliminal self-esteem tapes,

but my batteries are dead.

Oh, you don't need those trendy tapes, Blanche.

You know what I do when I need a shot of self-esteem?

Yeah, you put on that dopey "It's okay to be me" sweatshirt,

go lock yourself in the bathroom, and then, like a moron,

kiss yourself silly in the mirror.

And I guess I'll be back in there again tonight.

Oh, Sophia, do you know where any batteries are?

Oh, you make me sick.

(SIGHING)

I am home, dear, dear friends.

What a glorious night!

Dorothy Zbornak, I just hate you. There you go again,

rubbing it in, how I'm having a sex drought

and you're having a bumper crop.

And I'm expecting more rain.

Now you just stop that.

Blanche, think about it. Would it really be so bad

if you and Jerry just had a platonic relationship?

Rose, I already have friends I don't have sex with.

You guys.

Oh, what am I gonna do? Listen, girls, don't one of you have a story

about some man who wouldn't sleep with you?

Golly, I sure don't.

Stop it.

I have a story, a story that'll end all stories.

Oh, Rose, please. SOPHIA: No, please, Rose.

All right, but, honey, make it fast.

Ten words or less.

All right, but your curiosity is gonna be so piqued, you'll beg for more.

Just spit it out, Rose.

When was it a man refused to sleep with you?

The time I was radioactive.

How 'bout you, Sophia?

Well, there was that time

Warren Beatty passed up the chance to sleep with me.

So, Rose, you say you were radioactive?

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Oh, Jerry, how nice of you to stop by.

Why'd you ask me to pick you up at a motel?

They're having a cast party for Beatlemania at our house,

and the last time I looked,

Ringo was hanging over the toilet singing Help.

(JERRY LAUGHING)

Oh, I can understand that.

I was in the band in high school. We went crazy at away games.

I remember once when a guy... Yeah, yeah, yeah, get in here.

Interesting place, Blanche.

Oh, thank you.

But it's so bright.

Oh, here, let me dim the lights a little.

How 'bout I make us a little drink before we leave?

Well, maybe one.

Okay.

Huh. I wonder how this thing works.

Oh, just like The Jetsons.

Now, let's just sit ourselves down here and have a little bubbly.

You know what goes great with champagne?

Me.

We seem to be missing a chair, Blanche.

Oh, yes, so we are.

Well, let's see what I can do to fix it.

(BLANCHE CHUCKLING)

Fixed it.

My God, Blanche, this bed is vibrating.

It better be at these prices.

Blanche, I don't think any of this was a very good idea.

I know what you need, some music.

You need some nice, soothing music.

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)

I don't want any music.

Okay.

(TRIBAL MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)

(CHANTING)

Blanche!

(BLANCHE GIGGLING)

Oh, no, a mirror!

Oh, now you're getting into the spirit of things.

No, I'm not.

How do you turn this thing off?

Well, I don't know.

I never tried to turn it off.

(EXCLAIMING)

My goodness!

(EXCLAIMING)

Oh, forget it.

I don't know what you were trying to accomplish, Blanche,

but it didn't work.

It didn't work at all. Goodbye.

Wait, Jerry. Wait. There's been a mistake.

I had no idea what kind of place this was, I swear.

Ms. Devereaux, nice to see you again.

I'm stunned. I'm-- I'm completely stunned.

Dorothy, what's wrong?

How was Don's debut?

A disaster.

What can you say about a show by an ex-fake-Beatle

that began with I've Got to Be Me

and ended with Everybody Was Kung Fu Fighting?

What the hell was that man doing up there?

Was it as bad as that?

Had it been a fight, they would've stopped it.

Did he do any of his own material?

Oh, he did his own material, all right.

A Tribute to Dorothy.

"Dot, Dot, what a girl I got."

The last words I heard as I sprinted to my car were,

"When we shower together, we don't have to turn on hot."

I guess I just feel a little silly right now.

Could I have transferred my love for the Beatles

to this one man who plays a Beatle?

Could I have been so shallow

as to have fallen in love with a persona, and--and not the person?

Oh, Ma, I need support now. Please, honey, no jokes,

no I-told-you-so's.

Of course not,

Dot.

"Dot, I've got to trot."

Hey, listen to me. I'm a Beatle.

I am nothing but a cheap, tawdry slut.

Don't tell me. Is it Blanche?

I really want to thank you for coming over, Jerry.

Actually, I wasn't going to, Blanche,

but I figured this explanation's got to be a pip.

Explanation? No, no, no, none of those.

I just wanted to apologize for tonight and say,

I hope we can still be friends.

Sure, Blanche.

But there's something I need to know.

Why don't you find me attractive?

Are you kidding?

Blanche, you're one of the most attractive women I've ever met.

But five dates! Five dates you haven't laid a finger on me.

You haven't tried to sleep with me once.

Sleep with you on the fifth date?

Boy, talk about your fast track in the '90s.

Blanche, maybe I should explain something to you.

I dated my high school sweetheart for years.

We married right out of school,

and we were both virgins on our wedding night.

I'm sorry. I thought you were makin' a funny.

I guess I'm just frozen back in the old days of courtship.

Remember when we went to the movies last week?

(SCOFFS) When you didn't say a word to me,

didn't even try to kiss me good night?

The way I remember it, you looked so beautiful

I felt awkward and tongue-tied, like a teenager.

I was afraid to kiss you.

Afraid of a little old kiss?

Hey, to me a first kiss is still the sexiest thing in the world.

Get out of here.

Really.

Well, the way I look at it, anyone can just jump into bed together.

Me, I believe in romance,

and that can start with something

as simple as the sensitive stroking of someone's hair

to the delicate caress of one's cheek,

all leading up to one warm, long, beautiful...

Anyway, that's what romance means to me,

and for the life of me,

I can't imagine why so many people have abandoned it.

Boy, neither can I.

But if you just want to be friends...

No. No, I mean...

I mean, can... Can we try again?

Maybe start over?

I think I'd like that.

Well, I better be off.

Good night, Blanche.

Good night, Jerry.

(DOOR CLOSING)

Blanche, what happened with Jerry?

He said he wants to take things slow

and have an old-fashioned romance.

Take things slow?

An old-fashioned romance?

How does all this make you feel?

Like a lady.

Hello, love.

Dorothy isn't here, Don.

Well, actually, I was looking for you.

I was wondering if you might want to have a spot of dinner with me.

Oh, I don't think so. I have a boyfriend.

Oh. Did I mention Ernie's sick,

and I'll be playing Paul this week?

Well, maybe just some coffee.