Original subtitles

I'm downstairs, getting my morning bagel,

and Jill from accounting insists on paying for it.

I think it's obvious.

She likes you, Mike.

And until you repay the favor, you're in her debt.

Janelle, fax her a cheese danish.

Should I fax these people assorted pastries as well ?

Who are these from ?

Ha ! Every unattached woman in the building.

Oh ! Lemme see.

Oh ! Wait a second !

Half these women told me they were married.

This one's roommate told me she was dead.

Mike, you have, like, 30 lunch invites here.

Maria from the Hispanic commission

wants you to try that new Cuban place with her.

Yoko from the Japanese consulate wants to get sushi.

Lori from the parks department

wants to take you out for wild game.

Well, as long as Julie from waste disposal didn't call.

What the hell is going on ?

Mike, the word of your break-up is out.

You're officially in-play.

I'm not in-play.

I'm on the injured reserve list...

6 to 8 weeks with a broken heart.

Women decide whether you're in-play or not.

You have nothing to say about it.

I can say I'm not in-play.

Saying it makes you even more in-play.

You're right. That could hurt me.

Don't scream. It's just me.

Save your pick-up lines.

Morning, Nikki. Is she decent ?

Uh, she's ok.

What are you guys doing here ?

Wow. Look at this place.

The opulence. It's like a spa.

I could send my mother here for the winter.

We need to talk about our problem with Mike,

this seemed like the only place he wouldn't find us.

He's been working us past midnight every night this week.

There's no crisis going on. It's ridiculous.

You would think...

you would think that Mike would want to go home.

Now that Ashley's gone, he's got the whole place to himself.

He can walk around naked.

He can watch sports center. He can eat in bed.

And, in your mind,

he's doing all this naked ?

Guys, the most important person in Mike's life just left him.

He's burying himself in his work.

What more natural way can he deal with his loneliness ?

No, no, no. I know how Mike feels.

It is hard to go home to an empty apartment

when you're used to someone being there.

Who'd you live with, James ?

Well, you know...

my parents.

Mike, sorry, but I've gotta leave early tonight.

He's trying to go over the wall.

No. My fan club's having its first meeting tonight,

and they want me there.

Ha ! Ha ha !

Lemme see this. Lemme see this.

Well, it's not Paul's handwriting.

The postmark looks legitimate.

It's either a stunning forgery, or there are actually people

willing to give up their free time to pay homage to Paul.

That's disturbing...

but I'm gonna have to let you go.

Thank you.

I know. That guy is a total pig.

I feel like I should wear a sign across my breasts

that says, "I'm up here !"

So, you're assuming he can read.

Nikki, you're just in time.

And you, you're late.

Who are you ?

Mike, this is Danielle Brinkman.

Oh, that's right. You're the new assistant D.A.

Michael Flaherty. We went to Fordham together, in the same ethics class.

I cut ethics.

Danielle brinkman ! You're Todd Burskey's girlfriend.

How is Todd ?

We broke up 8 years ago.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Actually, I'm kind of over it.

Did it take the whole 8 years,

'cause I'm on week one,

and I'm nauseous all the time...

anyway, good to see you

Mr. Cheated-off-my- ethics-final-

and-didn't-have- the-decency-to-thank-me.

We got a "c" !

Thanks a lot.

Mike, I hear you've been burning the midnight oil.

Sir, I've taken the liberty

of working out a long-term political plan for you.

First off, let me say how flattered I am

that you even have me alive in 2060.

Never underestimate science, sir.

Yeah.

Uh, Mr. Mayor ? Yeah.

I have a special favor to ask you.

What's that smell ?

That's my cologne.

It's wonderful. Thank you.

What brand is it ?

Seduction.

Hey, Paul, men's fragrances are on the fourth floor.

This is first floor, city government.

The favor you wanted to ask ?

Sir, there's a meeting of my fan club tonight.

Paul, well, hey ! You've got a fan club, huh ?

Mike, do I have a fan club ?

Oh, yes, you do, sir.

It's called the city of New York.

Well, if you're not too busy,

it would really be a thrill

if everybody could come by to meet you.

I'd love to.

Oh ! No, I'm sorry, I can't.

I've got to, um...

Mike, tell him what.

You can't, sir. He can't because...

you've got the... you're busy for the next 7 years.

Yeah. See there ? Damn ! My hands are tied.

Mr. Mayor, it's your wife.

Yeah. No.

Her charity function was canceled.

Can you meet for dinner ?

Ah. Well, um...

tell her I've already committed to making an appearance

at Paul's fan club meeting tonight.

If only she had caught me earlier.

It's all about timing, sir.

Why do I have to work on this midnight basketball initiative ?

This is minority affairs. That's Carter's job, not mine.

Been out in the city lately ? You are the minority.

I'm talking here !

Mike, I'd be happy to do this alone.

Listen up, Bert, Ernie...

I want this presentation first thing tomorrow morning.

Hey, Mike.

Guess who I ran into this morning.

Do you remember Joe Reed ?

Lived in your freshman dorm ?

Huge head, size of a pumpkin ?

Oh, Joe, yeah. Joe.

He could barely walk upright.

What's he doing now ?

Couldn't say. All the time he was talking,

I just kept thinking,

"my god, look at the size of this guy's melon."

The guy was cranially challenged.

Let's not get vicious.

Oh, really ? What was it you called Joe in college ?

Frankenhead.

If you want to talk about that police thing,

I got 10 minutes right now.

I can't. I'm on my way to court. This afternoon ?

City council.

We really should take care of this pretty soon.

Besides, I want to catch up on everybody. Remember Betsy Holden ?

"2 drinks and I'm yours" ?

She was my best friend.

I knew that.

I'm kidding.

I knew that.

Listen, I'm free tonight.

We could grab dinner and take care of all this stuff.

Uh... guys, don't we have a lot of work tonight ?

No. No. No. No.

Nothing that can't wait. You can go.

Yeah, ok. Why not ? 8:00 ?

Actually, 7:00's better for him.

I'll make the reservations.

Excuse me.

Oh, hi ! I'm Claudia Sacks,

president of the Paul Lassiter fan club.

Yes, I know. You do wonderful work, Ms. Sacks.

Oh, it's Claudia.

Claudia, yes.

Well, this is the room.

It's a banquet room.

Actually, it's a conference room.

Conference/banquet.

Oh, and here's your name tag.

Ohh !

And, um... these are your pictures.

Here's a sharpie, in case you want to sign autographs.

This is our newsletter.

"Lassiter fun facts" in 4 different colors.

"Paul won the bronze medal for public speaking

when he was at St. Mary's elementary school."

It was a silver medal, actually.

Oh. Well, I'll correct that.

No, let it go. Let it go. That's fine.

So. I, uh...

I guess I'm early, huh ?

Actually, um... no.

No ?

I just feel horrible.

I mean, you really do have so many fans out there.

I know. I talk to them on the internet.

This is it ?

We have such a good time talking about you,

the way you say, "next question, please."

That look you give reporters when you're upset with them...

like now.

Mr. Lassiter... the last thing I wanted to do

was embarrass you.

I'm not embarrassed.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Hmm. Well, at least there's no line at the bar.

This is our first night off in forever.

Why do we have to sit around and drink like college boys ?

Why can't we just talk ?

So... what's new ?

* ta da ! **

I call it the Stuart surprise.

What's in it ?

No idea. If I knew,

I'd call it the Stuart I know what's in it.

Well, do you shoot it or what ?

Again, no idea.

Ugghh ! Aarrrgh !

Here. Wash it down with these !

It's delicious !

Smooth !

I'm going to the bathroom.

That guy can't hold his liquor.

On the outside. He sets, he shoots, he pumps...

nothing but trash.

My house, huh ? Huh ?

Yeah, I never get tired of that game.

So, now you wanna play a little one-on-one.

Maybe after dinner.

I'm sorry. I thought you were the cleaning lady.

Oh. You two play a lot of basketball ?

Not so much since she blew her knee out.

Gimme a couple of seconds, here. I'll be ready to go.

All right. You know,

this is exactly how I pictured your office.

Really ? With the, uh... walls

and the door and everything ?

What the hell was that ?

That wasn't even funny.

Listen to me.

I sound like I'm 16 again.

This feels really familiar.

She's nervous. There's this weird kind of tension.

Your hands are sweating. Why are they sweating ?

Oh, my god ! This is a date !

Red alert ! Red alert !

Uh, you know, it's a little chilly in here.

Why don't you put that back on ?

Everybody out of the building. This is not a drill.

Oh, are you ready to go ?

You know, I can't, because I got this big... work thing.

The safety of the city basically depends on it, so...

don't touch her. Your hands are slimy.

Oh. Well, we still have to talk about that police indictment.

And we s-should talk about that, and we w-will.

I'll call you. No, I'll write... I'll fax you.

I'll send a carrier pigeon.

See ya.

Yeah, ok. All right.

That was nicely handled. Very smooth.

Oh...

ha ha.

Oh, no.

Oh, god ! Ohh !

Oh, my god !

I just want to say again

how truly sorry I am about last night.

I hope you didn't bring the whole fan club here,

'cause we don't wanna create a fire hazard.

How did the big party go ?

Well, I... it...

spill it, Paul. I bet they made up t - shirts.

You know, I would like to

put Paul Lassiter on my chest.

Yes, I said chest.

You're like a horny little chimp.

To be honest with you,

the whole fan club thing was just, uh...

only about the most fun I've ever had.

Morning, people. It was delightful.

I only wish that my supporters were as loyal as yours.

Well, good morning, Ms. President.

Mr. Mayor.

Don't forget to tell me about that next meeting.

Mr. Mayor ?

Yeah. Mr. Mayor. Mr. Mayor !

Not a real hugger, Paul.

Don't take away my incentive to make these little gestures.

Are you sure you don't remember what happened ?

Sorry, Stuart. It's all a blur.

There might have been... dancing.

Well, look who decided to show up.

It's America's favorite couple.

I don't want to hear any of your excuses.

Your tardiness has put us way behind schedule,

so why don't you two cozy up,

'cause you're gonna be spendin' the night together.

It'd be the first time.

Ok, let's get rolling,

'cause we got a lot of work to do.

Uh, ahem. Mike,

we didn't mind spending time with you when Ashley left,

and we know you're hurting,

so we understand why you're burying yourself in your work,

but enough is enough !

We're worried about you, Mike.

I'm healing. I'll be fine.

No. No, no, no.

Uh... we're worried about what we're gonna to do you...

if you keep us here another night.

Sorry I had to get rough with you, man.

Mike... I was supposed to go have drinks with some people tonight.

Danielle's gonna be there.

I thought maybe you'd...

no, no, no, no. I can't.

No, because Danielle thinks I'm in-play,

and I can't even get out of the locker room.

She... she's an offensive machine. She can score at will.

It's baby steps, Mike.

It's time.

Tch ! All right.

All right. I'll go. I'll go.

You guys all take the night off.

Yeah ! Whoo !

Except you two.

I gotta make that proposal in the morning,

so you two go find a room and don't come out

till you figure out a way to make balls bounce at midnight.

So the last time I saw you in college,

you had your shirt off,

you were drinking beer out of one of those ridiculous hats,

and you were screaming, "I rule," over and over.

Yeah.

How did you ever become the deputy Mayor ?

Well, I did the exact same thing during my interview.

Oh, I'm sorry. You want more peanuts ?

Mike, we've already had 4 bowls.

See, this is part of my overall apology strategy.

I... I say I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry

until you find it really annoying...

it was a little much.

I'm sorry.

And, uh, and then

that's followed by endless bowls of peanuts until you forgive me.

I forgive you.

All right. Then my work here is done. Hold the nuts.

Well, this is it. Chairs.

Podium. Painting.

Everything you see on TV except for the cameras,

which you wouldn't see because they're the ones filming it.

Wow !

How cool is this ? !

Yeah. So impressive. Paul,

can you stand behind the podium...

for me ?

Ya happy ?

I know what you're trying to do.

Yes, ma'am.

When Mr. Mayor took office,

he promised to take care of the pothole problem,

yet it seems to have gotten worse.

Well, appearances can be deceiving,

because this administration has discovered

that potholes are a way of combating

another scourge of our city:

Drag racing.

So, one has to ask themself,

are potholes a problem, or do they save lives ?

Oh, that was brilliant.

Yes, ma'am ? You in the front ?

Mr. Lassiter...

would you kiss me ?

Well, I... see, I don't think we're prepared to answer...

there'll be no further questions.

Is... is part of your apology plan

to get me really, really drunk ?

No. These are for Nikki and her friends.

Where did they go, anyway ?

I thought they were at the bar.

Wait. Did I hear them say something about going to a club ?

Oh. Yeah. You wanna go find 'em ?

No, no. I'm not the club kinda guy.

When I wanna shout in someone's ear,

I'll go visit my grandmother.

Are you all right that we're alone ?

You're not about to have a crisis at the office, are you ?

Well, I can't very well do it now that you said that.

I am just saying that if you want to call it a night, we can.

No. Hey, come on, look...

I can handle this.

After all, we are two grown up,

professional people who just happen to be

of the opposite... sex.

I'll tell you what.

We will take all of the danger out of the situation

by behaving exactly the opposite of how we would

if this was a date.

I... I don't follow you.

How much money do you make ?

Oh, I get it. I see.

I am... unbelievably shallow.

I'm lookin' to have kids...

soon.

I have never...

satisfied a woman in bed.

And I have no problem with that.

Are you ready to order ?

Yes. I'll have the lobster.

Should I really do this ?

Oh, definitely. Why not ?

You're payin' for it.

You don't remember anything ?

Look...

even if anything did... go on,

I'm certainly not gonna go shootin' my mouth off about it.

I got a rep to protect.

And you, to be perfectly honest,

don't make much of a trophy. Ok ?

So you're ashamed of me ?

Nothing happened, ok ?

We were drunk. You couldn't find your apartment keys,

so I let you crash at my place.

Why didn't you tell me ?

I wanted to teach you a lesson.

When you look at me, all you see is a gay person.

I'm just a guy, a friend of yours. I know that !

Really ? If Paul had taken you home, would you have worried then ?

No. But he's not gay. Stuart !

Just because I'm gay doesn't mean I sleep with every man I can !

You're straight ! Do you sleep with every woman you can ? !

Yes !

Woman ?

Man.

Nice ass.

You know, for a guy.

It's changes like that

that make me love this city.

They make me really fear blind dates.

Well... this is where I get off.

And then things got awkward.

Yeah.

Well, usually when an evening goes this well,

this is the point where the guy...

or the girl...

I... I can't do this.

I just ended a...

long relationship,

and I'm still at home reading old letters.

But you know what ?

She dumped me.

I mean, I should be able to move on.

I'm a grown man. I can do this.

I can't do this !

Take your time. Figure it out.

I don't have to be at work for a few hours yet.

Why should I be uncomfortable ?

I mean, I had a fantastic evening.

You are beautiful.

I really love being with you.

I can do this.

Mike... pucker up.

All right. But I'm not closing my eyes.

I can't... I can't do this.

I am so shocked.

Oh. I just... it wouldn't be fair to you

because I would be thinking about someone else.

I understand.

Timing, huh ?

Yeah.

What was her name ?

Ashley.

Mmm. Pretty name.

Yeah.

Well...

good night, Mike.

Yeah.

I had a really great time.

Yeah, me, too.

But this is the right thing.

Oh, my god. I want her.

Shut up.

Sorry.

I'm hungry.

So, that's it.

Yep. I didn't even kiss her.

Nothing.

Why ?

Because you're a wuss.

Apparently,

I'm deep.

That doesn't sound right.

You're not deep, Mike.

Well, it's late.

Anyone ready to go to bed ?

She wants you.

Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.

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