Original subtitles

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[DRONING SOUND]

[OMINOUS TONE]

[DRAMATIC ORCHESTRA]

NARRATOR: The battle was all but over.

The forces of good, the living

had fallen by the thousands.

The risen dead swept over them in a vile,

and cankerous wave that knew not when to break.

But as long as their fearless leader,

the mighty Casimir the Destroyer,

battle mage, warrior, and renowned tactician

still drew breath,

there was yet some hope.

And as the horde of hell's spawn dead,

raised by the evil necromancer.

Morana, grew closer, unwittingly lured

into a fatal pincer movement,

through the otherwise impassable sulphur swamps of Sagra,

Casimir knew he had them in the palm of his hand.

Knew that a historic victory

was but a single blow away.

There was no escaping the fury

of Casimir's blazing damnation.

The magically conjured flames burned hard and fast

devouring the undead in a matter of seconds.

And for the first of many times to come,

Casimir looked down triumphant

upon the carnage he had wrought.

Upon the victory he had single-handedly wretched

from the rotten jaws of almost certain defeat.

[CROWD CHEERING SOUND]

[DRONING SOUND]

[EPIC ELECTRONIC MUSIC]

[MUSIC SOUND LEVELS DROP]

[TRAIN RIDING ON TRACKS SOUND]

[TRAIN WHISTLE SOUND]

TREVOR: Casimir would not rest until his nemesis Morana had fallen.

[DOOR CLOSING SOUND]

Along with her scurrilous lapdog of a so-called swordsman,

Sir Brandt.

Fuck sake.

Oh! Mr. Parsons.

PARSONS: Afternoon. Trevor isn't it?

Last time I checked!

Right. I've been meaning to have a word.

See the thing is that some of us here.

Sorry!

Fundamentally, some of us here.

W-we take pride.

I'm not sure how to-

your plot's a disgrace.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

Well, it's a little on the barren side but

it's got some post-apocalyptic charm.

Clearly.

Disgrace is a very strong word.

But it's accurate. Look around you.

Do you see anything out of place in my plot? No, nothing.

It's beauty.

Ted and Irene may be slow, but they're methodical.

Even Birch keeps his end up.

Peter, almost as annoying as you are,

but at least he knows what he's doing.

And Doc doesn't do anything at all, but he's tidy.

Now you, on the other hand,

you are more than letting the side down.

To be honest gardening isn't really my thing.

Jesus Christ! Why do you have an allotment then?

Why do you come here and spoil it for the rest of us?

I'd be willing to put up a fence.

Look, we've gotten together and signed a petition.

We're giving it to the landlord tomorrow morning.

And I sincerely hope he decides to evict you,

and your terrible hair-do. Good day!

What? No! No, no, no, no, no, no! I'll tidy up.

I'll, I'll plant some seeds! I'll, I'll, plant the crap fu...

God.

[FLY BUZZING SOUND]

Oh!

Oooh!

Woo!

[ROCK MUSIC BEGINS ABRUPTLY]

[ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES]

[ELEVATOR BELL SOUND]

[RAT SQUEAKING SOUND]

BOBBI: Harriet, why don't you come round to mine after work?

I've got some pear vodka.

HARRIET: Oh, yes, please!

Funny innit like, us sitting here doing nothing,

makes you more tired than when you're busy, eh?

You're not wrong Bobbi.

It's a bit like shagging, if you think about it.

The more you do it, the more you want it.

It only makes you more horny. It's really annoying.

I wouldn't know.

When are you going to be done?

Oh, it's just my Derek now. A little quick half hour.

But I'll do him quick today, yeah?

[DOOR BELL SOUNDS]

DEREK: There she blows.

HARRIET: Hi darling!

Aww, I love presents. Thank you.

Do you want a little shower?

- I'm clean as a whistle. - Mmm.

Well, I'll have to blow you to find out won't I?

Yes!

Hmm.

[DOG BARKING SOUNDS]

DOC: Trevor?

Doc!

I didn t sign the petition by the way.

Thanks.

My motto is, "Live and let live".

I appreciate that.

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

Don't come in here asking where your dinner is.

While you've been flouncing around at your allotment,

I've been at work all day. So, no. I haven't cooked yet.

Oh, hi Trev! Nice T-shirt! Mmm.

[INHALING SOUND]

Trevor! I didn't say I was hungry.

I heard you think it.

No, well, we left you some.

Thanks.

That's very generous of you!

I'm the one bringing the money in while you're indulging

in some pathetic male fantasy.

Well, as Harriet can attest, it is possible to do both.

You know, maybe you should just embrace the dual nature of your

business, and call the salon, "Hand Job".

Oooh! You're looking very pretty today Harriet.

Would you mind if I, umm?

[CAMERA SHUTTER SOUND]

I'm going off to Graham's. Help me, God!

[DOOR OPENING AND SLAMMING SHUT SOUNDS]

He's not the sharpest tool in the shed, is he, your husband?

[BATTLEFIELD SOUNDS]

[INDISCERNIBLE YELLING]

GRAHAM: Yeah, well, you know what I think?

I think you should unleash some of that old

Casimir vengeance on him.

Graham, I'm not going to kill someone

for trying to evict me from my bloody allotment.

Or you could get that guy you think's a serial killer to

dissolve him in a vat of acid or something.

I didn't say he was a serial killer. I said he was creepy,

and it's weird his plot is bare earth.

Or maybe you could put pesticide in his Horlicks,

dress him up as a scarecrow, and hide him in plain sight?

What is wrong with you? I'm not going to kill anyone.

Yeah, well you weren't this squeamish when you were

fire-bombing my zombies earlier.

You really have no grip on the real world do you?

Well I guess you could learn how to garden.

Oh, I got that picture of Harriet you wanted.

But this is the last time, alright?

Everybody's starting to think I'm a weirdo.

My sweet Lady Harriet Morana.

Sir Brandt at your service!

I can't believe you're basing Morana on her.

Oh, yes! She's fit!

Plus, Sir Brandt gets to bed her!

Only because no one else in her army has a pulse.

Yes, she has a whole legion of skeletons at her command,

yet it is I, Sir Brandt,

who gets to bone her! Haha.

You know, there are far hotter women on the internet,

some wearing a lot less?

Arrrgh, aargh, no, no, no, no, n...

What is your problem with the internet?

Online Gamers.

Heathens. Heathens, man!

Oh, go on, send me that picture would you?!

I don't even know why you have a mobile phone.

You never bloody leave the house!

Hey, don't knock my Agoraphobia.

Plus, I need a way to get my DLA you know. My er...

Dragon Living Allowance. Yes, very good.

Why can't I have a dragon?

Well, firstly Morana is a necromancer.

Well, why can't I have an undead dragon?

- Sending. - No, no, wait! Wait!

- Ahhh! - Ahahaha.

TREVOR: Whoops!

You cheat!

When they're down, they're down!

Shouldn't leave your phone on the battlefield!

[OMINOUS TONE] Curse you Casimir!

The dead shall rise, and tear your world asunder!

Tell that to a couple of D8's.

Boom!

[OMINOUS MUSICAL BUILD UP]

ZOMBIE: Arrrggh.

Arrrgh.

[CLOSING DOOR SOUND]

[APPROACHING FOOTSTEP SOUNDS]

[SNORING SOUNDS]

Bobbi?

Ssstupid, bloody whale.

Bobbi, d...

[FARTING SOUNDS]

I'll be on the sofa.

[BIRDS CHIRPING] [TRUMPET INTRO MUSIC]

DAVE-RADIO HOST: Hello and welcome back. Ah,

Right, coming up 'you are what you eat'

we look at the pitfalls and benefits of a protein only diet.

But first, Dick. What do we make of this macabre business?

DICK: Oh ho. Just in case you're tuning in for the first time

folks, what Dave is referring to is the apparent

grave robbing in Nunhead cemetery.

DAVE: Hahaha. I think, I think grave robbing is a bit strong...

DICK: No, no, no. We-well, what would you call it then?

DAVE: Ahh-uhh, prrff, Halloween pranks?

DICK: Haha, Well it's not like the corpses just got up and

walked off is it? Hahaha!

DAVE: Hahaha I'd like to see!

DICK: So Dave, what's in store for us today in terms of the weather?

DAVE: Well Dick, it's a proper Autumnal day out there today,

but you can expect a lot of heavy low lying fog tonight.

So, do be careful if you're out and about.

BOBBI: Trevor?

Trevor!

Trevor you planning on sleeping all day?!

- TREVOR!? - Whaa!

Ow! What, Jesus?

Just because you're between jobs,

doesn't mean you can lay around doing fuck all every day!

You should be out looking for a job!

And pick your dirty clothes up from the floor.

Is that for me?

No, you make your own.

And your dad's golf clubs are over there, so take 'em to the

charity shop because it's not like you play, is it?

I might have to start.

You know what Trevor,

you know better than to fucking argue with me!

- Pfftt. - Oh!

God, I swear you only started smoking to aggravate my asthma!

You ungrateful sod! I'm doing it to lose weight, for you!

Yeah, is that why you didn t eat all the extra large

pizza as well?

Do you know what Trevor? I'm going to work.

You know, remember work?! You fucking lazy sod!

Ahhh! Fuck.

[SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA] Oh, Christ.

Kill me!

Come on, boy!

DEREK: I am a very, very bad horse.

Horses don't talk!

Quiet!

Horses just buck!

[HORSE WHINNY SOUND]

Stop.

[INTENSE CLASSICAL MUSIC]

Haha!

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[HORSE SOUNDS]

Giddy up!

Come on! Oh, woah! Derek?

Dereeeek?

Come on. T-t-t-t-t.

To-oot?

Darling?

Remember the safe word!

[HORSE NICKER SOUND]

HARRIET: Well, that's not it! Come on, it's banana.

Derek?

DEREK?

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

TREVOR: [INDISTINCT] Dark cow!

Oh, yeah. I gave you some pizza!

Stupid bloody friend.

Little ho. Little pfft. Fucking stupid! Gosh, she's such a lit...

Bloody wha... I'm stupid. Must have she grab my cock in the

night club. Next thing I know,

I'm bloody married to her for life.

Poor Derek!

All he wanted was an early morning ride, wasn't it?

It's alright. Go on.

Well, you know, he wanted to play his favorite game,

you know, that.

Horsey play.

He loved that!

No, but I just kept on really pushing it, and saying,

"giddy up, giddy up, faster" spanking his ass!

And I was getting really into it, and-

It just uh, it got too much for him. And he collapsed on me.

Oh, he didn't?!

And there was nothing I could do, and I was saying, "Say the

safe word, say the safe word".

And he didn't. He just kept on going, " Pfffft"

And I forgot, he's got such a delicate little heart.

Oh, his little heart!

And that's why I really liked him,

cause he was actually a real gent.

Poor Derek.

Oh, God.

Oh, Bobbi. Oh, do you know what?

He's still wearing my buttplug.

He is. He's still wearing my buttplug. They're gonna find

my buttplug up there. That's not dignified.

He wouldn't have want that.

Nope. Nope.

That's awkward.

Stupid cow.

Stupid. I might as well just put a bloody bed in here

and be done with it.

[INDISCERNIBLE] ...Bloody.

Parsons!

What?

Is it true? Are you distilling vodka?

What's it to you?

What's it to me, you little cock head?!

Not that you'd be affected by it,

but a number of us had our potato crops

plundered last year.

- Aww! - And I'd be willing to bet

that if you are indeed distilling vodka,

then you're probably the plunderer.

Hahahaha. I'm the potato plunderer?

Me? Whose allotment looks like a pile of shit?!

Do you think I could be bothered to dig up potatoes?

Look at my hands. Look how clean they are.

You think I could be bothered to muddy them up to get your

dirty ass potatoes because this is a little bit of "newsflash",

they're available in a fucking supermarket,

and they're a pound! But then you probably didn't know that

did you? You bloody wanna be English moron.

You watch your tone, you little twat!

Twat?! Hahahaha.

Twoa! Twat! What are you gonna do now?

Bludgeon me with that spade? Give it to me!

'Cause if there's gonna be any bludgeoning happening today,

I will not be on the receiving end!

You are mad!

You don't know the fucking half of it!

Yeah, run! Run little American boy!

It's pronounced, "twot" You bloody American!

I'm Canadian!

[STABBING SOUND]

Mr. Parsons? Mr. Parsons?

Mr. Parsons?!

[THRILLING MUSIC]

[REMOVING ADHESIVE SOUND]

Bobbi! Bobbi, something terrible has happened!

Get out!

What the hell are you doing?

- What are y... - Go away!

Oh! Oh! Oh! God! Oh!

Well, on that note, I don t think he'll be coming back!

[SLAMMING DOOR SOUND] Mm mmm. Oooh, that's nice!

For a moment, I actually felt like Casimir!

I was like moving towards him, and he was like, stepping back.

I could see the fear in his eyes. It was...

- What? - What is that, on your shoulder?

Oooh! Oh, God! Christ!

Oh, God. Bobbi was giving Harriet a wax on her lady bits.

- Hand it over! - What?

- Give it. - No!

- Yes. Yes! - No.

No way!

- Come on, now. - That's sick man.

I'm not doing it.

I'll give you one sword of Chronos.

Sword of Chronos and an extra D8 on my combat roles?

Ahhh, D4?

Just don't do anything disgusting with it.

Ah.

I can smell her Labia.

You are a revolting man!

I know.

So, you were saying?

Right. Yeah, so he kinda hobbles off, falls over,

and doesn't bloody get up again.

[OMINOUS MUSIC BUILD UP]

[FLY BUZZING SOUND]

Oh, fuck.

Oh, God.

Bloody hippie leaving his bloody tools laying around.

So that's the serial killer?

A hippie serial killer, really?

Oh, it's a great cover.

No. Birch is the hippie. Doc is th...

Serial killer!

Creepy cowboy guy.

Anyway, you're meant to tread on the rake and

have it hit you in the face. You're not meant to fall on it

and have it brain you. It's just not funny!

Oh. It kinda is.

Well, and convenient!

So, what'd you do next?

I managed to drag him back to my shed.

Ahh!

[GRUNTING SOUND]

Nearly bloody killed me.

I'm gonna have to go to the Police.

No way, man! You'll look guilty as hell.

It was an accident.

Well, so why did you move the body then?

I don't know.

What if somebody heard or saw the argument?

I don't know!

Well, you should definitely dispose of the corpse.

Graham, you really have no grip on the real world.

Oh, spoken like a true hypocrite.

Why don't you just bury it in the serial killer's plot?

Oh, that's at the other end of the allotment.

Finish me off dragging his fat ass back there.

Well, bury it in yours then. I mean if it's as messy as you say

then nobody will ever find it.

Christ! Even the thought of dragging him another foot

gives me a bloody asthma attack.

Arrffff.

[BATTLE SOUNDS]

[HORSE NEIGH SOUND]

[BATTLE SOUNDS CONTINUE]

Ohh.

I'll think of something.

Maybe.

[MEDIEVAL ROCK MUSIC]

[CAR ALARM SOUNDS]

[PASSING HELICOPTER SOUNDS]

[CAT GROWLING SOUNDS]

[POLICE SIRES WAILING]

I think you should unleash some of that old

Casimir vengeance on him.

[DRAMATIC MEDIEVAL MUSIC]

Some imagination you've got?!

It's my fantasy.

Ha! You could've given me some armor or something.

And I mean, what the hell's that supposed to be?

Like I said, it's my fantasy.

Really?

Suck on that, Potter!

You can have her Sir Brandt. Make the most of it.

For she will soon be as dead as the vile creatures she commands.

Oh yeah? We'll see about that.

[INTENSE MUSICAL BUILD UP]

[MUSIC TEMPO PICKS UP]

Ha-ha! You cannot defeat us both Wizard!

Yield!

The cold lure of this grave-robbing vixen was enough

to turn you from faith, eh, Palladin?

Ha. Do not mock my new faith, Bumblebore!

and you know nothing of the heat that heat that lies between

that Vixen's legs. But you will feel the sting of her blade,

When she cuts your legs from beneath you.

[EPIC MUSIC CONTINUES]

PETER: Sorry! I thought you were one of them.

Don't waste any time. Find your sanctuary. Go to ground!

What?

It's the big one! I must document everything!

[EPIC MUSIC BUILD UP]

[GROWLING SOUND]

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

[CHOPPING SOUND]

[CONTINUOUS CHOPPING SOUNDS]

[SITAR FADES IN]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[GROWLING SOUNDS]

[PASSING SCREAM SOUNDS]

[WHEEZING SOUNDS]

[RADIO PLAYING IN BACKGROUND] [FLY BUZZING SOUNDS]

[ALARMS WAILING]

[GUNSHOT SOUNDS]

[EXPLOSION SOUNDS]

RADIO JACK: There remains a multitude of unanswered questions first and

forth most regarding the cause of this horrible turn of events.

I can't believe, but when it comes down to it,

the only fact that matters is the one we can no longer ignore.

And that is, that it seems, and I still find it hard to put into

words, despite having seen evidence first hand.

We're genuinely in the midst of an actual zombie apocalypse.

Now joining me in discussion for these "end of days"

is Kevin Bartlett. Now Kevin, hello and welco...

KEVIN: Yeah, yeah, hi John. What I'd like to say I'm happy to be here

RADIO JACK: Er quite! So, er what's your take on this whole debacle?

KEVIN: Well, first of all, I could've predicted this would happen.

I-I did it, I know, I know but I-I look. I mean look,

We've been obsessed forever, with bloody zombie this and

zombie that. Do you know how many zombie films are churned

- out each year. - Quite a few I'm sure.

KEVIN: Er yep, m-my theory, and you mentioned earlier about not

knowing the "how" of all this. Well, I'll tell you exactly how

this has all fucking happened. Sorry, can I swear John? Well

it doesn't matter now does it? It's simple, and testament to

the towering power of the media and the public conscience.

We've spent so long fawning over these shuffling bags of bones,

reveling in film after film, TV shows, books, video games, and

hoaxes, people have been genuinely waiting for this day.

And why? Because with this kind of PR it would be rude to have

a fucking zombie apocalypse.

- Er Kevin, can I stop you there. - Yeah, wha-what's going on bud?

RADIO JACK: I think. I thi... [INDISCERNIBLE SCREAMS]

KEVIN: No, no!

KEVIN: Let's get to the roof!

KEVIN: Well, to the helicopter!

RADIO JACK: Fucking helicopter? What?

[INDISCERNIBLE SCREAMS]

[SMOOTH JAZZ]

Ohh!

[OMINOUS TONE]

It's alright for you.

You don t have to hack up and bury the people you kill!

[DRAMATIC MUSIC] [BURNING FLAMES SOUND]

Casmir the Cremator.

That's got a bit of a ring to it!

Right, back to work.

Ooh, oh!

Ohh. Ugh.

[FLY BUZZING SOUND]

Alight Mr. Parsons.

Let's not keep your legs waiting!

Unfortunately you're going to be spending the rest of eternity in

my disgrace of a plot.

I'll try and tidy up for you.

God, I'll be glad to see the back of you.

Ugh.

God! You are one ugly bastard!

Ahh! What the fuck?!

Ahh! Ahh! Oh, God!

Get off my crotch! Ahh!

Ahh! Ahhh!

Bloody open you.

Ahh! Aahhh!

Ugh! Help! Heeeelp!

I've got half a gardner in here! He's trying to kill me!

Help me! Heeeelp!

Please, help! He's got my legs, he's got my legs!

He's got, ohh god he's got!

You fucking door! Ahhh!!!

Pleeease! Ahh! Ahhhhh!

Oh, God! Oh, God!

[DRONING SOUND]

Oh, God! Ahh! Ahh! Ahhh! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh, God!

Ahh, God!

[FRANTIC STRING INSTRUMENTS BUILD UP]

[FRANTIC MUSIC FADES OUT]

Ohh! Ohh!

- You! - Ahh. Ahhhh. Aghhhhh!

The only thing is, you were actually more annoying

when you were alive.

[HELICOPTER FLYING SOUNDS]

Help! Help!

TREVOR: Heeeeelp! Agh!

Aghh! Heeeeelp!

[PEACEFUL SITAR]

[GROWLING SOUNDS]

BIRCH: I know a cry for help when I hear one.

Come on, Birchy boy!

Ahh! Ahhh! Aaaaahhh!

Four bars, half battery! Booyahhhhh!

Right, Bobbi.

Right.

Come on, Bobbi. Come on. Answer, answer.

Answer the phone.

[EROTIC MUSIC]

[MOANING SOUNDS]

There's more of them. They've got her.

PARSONS: Aghhaaahh!

[CHOKING SOUNDS]

I have to make another call. Don't you ever get tired?

Shhh!

[PHONE RINGING]

OPERATOR: Thank you for calling 999, the UK's leading emergency service.

Your call is currently in a queue and will be dealt with

as soon as one of our operators becomes available.

For God's sake!

[EASY LISTENING MUSIC]

OPERATOR: Your call is important to us. Thank you for your patience.

- Please continue to ho... - For God's sake!

[INDISCERNIBLE CHATTER]

[EASY LISTENING MUSIC CONTINUES]

Oh, you like that do you? Ohhh!

[CROW CAWING SOUND]

Who'll be at home, who'll be at home, who'll be at home?

Tsk, tsk, tsk. Graham

Oooh, Mistress Morana!

Oh! Oh, mistress!

Oh! Ughh.

[RINGTONE AND VIBRATING SOUND]

Jesus, T! You scared the crap out of me!

GRAHAM: Good thing I'm on the crapper.

God, that is a disgusting image! Look, look, I need your help.

Kinda busy.

Doing what?

Umm, polishing my sword.

Look, even though you've got a sword, I know that means your

penis! Can you just put it away in your pants and fucking come

and help me? We've got a situation.

What's that noise?

That's the situation. Mr. Parsons is now

zombie Parsons!

GRAHAM: Hahaha! shut up.

I'm serious Graham! Look, I only called Bobbi.

I think they already got her.

Wait a minute. Am I on bloody speaker phone? And who's they?

Do you b...? The bloody zombies that's who!

I'm not the first person you called?

You're not the second either. I've got bloody 999 on hold as

we speak.

Ha, you put 999 on hold?

Well they put me on hold first!

Yeah, I hate it when they do that.

It's bloody ridiculous. Anyway look, I'm trapped in the shed

somehow. I can't get out. And I need you to come down here...

Well, I can't.

What? Something more pressing?

Look, ughh. Just twat the thing over the head and

bash your way out. I mean, it's a shed. I'm sure you'll manage.

Are you, are you kidding me?

Look, I've gotta go. I'll see you tonight, alright?

No.

No! No.

No! Ahhh!

Fuuuuuck! Fuck! Idiot!

Ahhhhhh!

Ohhh.

Ohhhhh, yessss!

OPERATOR: Is this call a genuine emergency? If so...

[FRANTIC ORCHESTRA]

[INDISCERNIBLE PHONE CHATTER]

Ahh! Ahh! Ahhhh! Ahhh! Ahh!

My shoe! My shoe!

Ugh! Ahh!

That's my bloody shoe!

Give me my shoe! Give me my bloody shoes!

That was my last pair of Nike's!

OPERATOR: Please continue to hold.

One of our operators will be with you shortly.

Now, a word from our sponsors.

SPONSOR: are you suffering from stabbing pain, headaches?

The kind of stubborn pain that sits right behind your eyes

and won't go aw...

Ahhh!

No! no, no! Nooo! Not now! Not now! Nooo! Nooo!

[ORCHESTRA FADES OUT]

[UPLIFTING MUSIC]

Ahh! Ahhh!

[UPLIFTING ORCHESTRA]

Hahahaha. Hahaha. Ahh.

[ORCHESTRA FADES OUT]

[GARGLING SOUNDS]

Oh, you wanna get that roof fixed!

You mind?

[SCREAMS] [STABBING SOUNDS]

[STABBING SOUNDS CONTINUE]

By the way, I did take your potatoes.

Sorry mate, I seriously thought you were joking earlier!

It's fine.

What, so you wore a helmet, but you didn't bring a sword?

Yeah, look, it's one thing walking around town wearing

this, which, by the way, is a very clever move,

but I can't be dragging a sword around town.

It's bloody heavy for starters.

Well, at least you got over your agoraphobia.

Yeah, yeah alright, I'm not agoraphobic. Fine.

Surprise.

Look, at least I came, yeah? It's bloody dangerous out here!

I saw two women eating another woman.

What, did you watch it on your phone?

Not like that! And I saw some hippie

chewing some blokes arm off!

Oh, bloody vegans!

I think we should head to the coast.

- What? - Well, there might be boats.

- That's a stupid fucking idea! - No, it's not.

Yes it is. Where's Bobbi?

- I dunno. I think they got her. - You think?

Can't be sure.

Harriet's with Bobbi.

We need to save our women!

We really, we, we really don't.

I cou...

So my thinking is, you know what choice does she have?

Suicide? Becoming a sex slave for a heavily armed gang?

Donating her brain to the hungry?

Well none of that's likely to happen.

I think it's more likely than her shacking up with you in some

post-apocalyptic wasteland.

Hahahaha. You wait.

Chicks dig a knight in shining armor!

What the hell?

God! I think it's Peter? Well, part of him.

What, you can tell just from his arm?

No.

The camera.

PETER: My name is Peter Jones. I'm a-well, I'm doing my masters in

agriculture, but that's doesn't matter right now. Start again.

My name is Peter Jones, and I'm a concerned citizen.

If you're watching this these could be the very last recorded

thoughts of mankind. It's not too late for you though.

You can escape. These things are slow and cumbersome.

Ahh! Ahh-ahh! Ahhhh! ahhh!

Ah-ahhaha! Ahh-ha! Oohoohoo! Ahhh!

Ahhh! Oh, God!

Oh, Jesus! Oh, Christ!

Ahh-haha! Aaaah! Ah-ha!

[EATING SOUNDS]

Documenting the zombie apocalypse?

Who the hell's gonna watch it?

Us apparently!

Oh, Christ! And now they're best buddies. Great.

Well, if you cant eat 'em, join 'em.

Right, I'll take Peter, you take Ted!

What about her?

She's got a dodgy leg. She'll be a while.

Come on, you!

Come ooon, youuu!

Ahh! Take that you idiot!

Ah! Yes! Ugh! Ug! h

- Do they die this way? - I'm not sure!

- Take that! Take that! - Ugh! Ugh!

- Ahh! - Oh, God. No!

[INTENSE MUSICAL BUILD UP]

No, Doc. No, no, It's, it's me. Ahh!

[MUSICAL BUILD UP FADES]

Thank you?

Yeah, thanks Doc.

DOC: Don't mention it.

You look like you've been busy.

It's like fucking Christmas.

I've got a more traditional approach to

Christmas myself but,

You know I don't know why you're looking so shocked Trevor.

I saw what you did to Parsons. Very impressive.

Thank you.

So, ugh, what's in the bag?

- You don't want to know. - Huh, I do. Hm.

Oh!

- Oh, heads! - Heads?

Yeah! hahaha.

What's in the other bag?

You really don't want to know.

Hm. Pretty open-minded.

Oh! Fu... ohh!

GRAHAM: Ohh!

Lady parts. You know, If you soak 'em in vinegar long enough,

Just like calamari.

We have to go!

Ah, I've got to go and see my wife.

Yeah, and Harriet.

Well, hasta la vista guys.

Maybe see you around?

Yeah, better hope not.

Especially if you're one of them.

You know they're not human.

Best thing to do is, you see 'em, kill 'em. Simple right?

Noted. Thank you very much. Very useful.

I would hope you'd do the same for me.

- Yeah. - You see me shuffling around,

kill me. 'Cause I don't wanna be one of the living dead.

I wanna be one of the dead, dead.

Dead, dead. Got it.

Well, don't worry. I'll clean up your mess.

Alright.

Okay, thank you.

I told you he was a serial killer!

Ahhaaahh!

That's something you don't see everyday.

Yeah.

This is your street isn't it?

Yeah, alright, keep up with me. Keep your eyes open. Let's go!

Bollocks!

[INTENSE ORCHESTRA BUILD UP]

Oh!

[SERENE MUSIC]

OPHELIA: Lie still, Sir Casimir!

You are wounded. But you will live.

I'll make sure of it.

So beautiful. Who are you?

My name is Ophelia. And these are my sisters,

Iphelea and Upheleme.

We are honored to tend to someone so brave as you.

We are humbled by your presence.

Yet, I would still beg for one small favor.

Anything.

A kiss

from your brave lips.

Should you have the strength, sire?

Hmm.

[GENTLE STRING QUARTET]

My sisters would ask the same favor.

should you have the strength?

Think so.

- Oh! - Hahaha.

Welcome back, T!

Oh, Thanks.

How long was I out?

Oh, a couple of days.

Oh, Christ! What's it like out there?

Hahaha. Just kidding!

Before you start on me,

you look like a bloody zombie because you're covered in blood.

If you'd come to the front door. Oh, no sorry, wait.

I suppose you lost your keys as well as your inhaler.

Do you know what Trevor? You are so rubbish when it comes to

crisis like this, you really fucking are.

Oh, come on Bobbi, he's just woken up, give him a break.

No, because he's a lazy bastard, Harriet!

Why's she wearing my shirt?

I think that's obvious. Hmhmmhmm.

Well, faced with the imminent prospect of death

they, uh, finally gave into their sapphic whims.

TREVOR: What?

I think they had sex!

Now, that I'd like to see.

Well, half of it anyway. Haha.

Hey, don't stretch that. That's my favorite.

It was until you "tittied" it up!

Oh, Christ! Oh, I need to take a shower.

There's more pressing things than you washing Trevor.

Are there Bobbi? Are there really? 'Cause let me tell you

something. While you've been in here munching on your friend,

the world out there has gone to absolute shit!

So before this apocalypse really kicks in,

I'd like one last shot at some hot water, okay?

So my suggestion to you is, shut your fucking mouth,

and put the immersion on! 'Cause right now,

I really wanna wash these fucking brains off me.

I don't think there's any need to swear at me

Yes, there is actually! There's every fucking need!

And may I point out that thus far,

the only injury I've received is from my fuckwit of a wife

and not from a fucking zombie!

- Trevor? - Apology fucking accepted!

Right, I'm now going upstairs to take a shower.

Stay away from the doors and windows, alright?

Just keep quiet, everything will be fine,

we'll sort everything else out when I get back.

Well, that was awkward. Err?

[SOMBER ORCHESTRATION]

So, you "Bi" then?

Who said that?

Well, you know, you and Bobbi?

Maybe I'm a lesbian.

Maybe? What, you don't know?

No darling, you don't know.

Nah, I don't buy it. All that stuff at the salon.

We all want a happy ending Graham.

Well,

I guess we're never going to get one now.

Trevor?

- What? - Oh, for God's sake,

I've seen that pathetic excuse for a penis enough times.

Well your vagina s. rubbish. what do you want?

Oh, for God's. Is that any way to talk to your wife?

Eh? Anyway, look, I just wanted to say 'sorry'.

You know, about, about the old Harriet thing.

And I know you're pissed off.

- I'm really not. - But, if it's any consolation,

it's 'cause she wanted a threesome with us.

She what?

Ah. See, I thought you'd like that.

[INDISTINCT MUMBLING] Just.

How is he?

Ugh.

Ugh. Morana! Morana! Oh, God!

Oh, yeah. Morana. Oh, Morana.

- Ohhhhh! - Oh, Casimir!

You're so HUGE!

Much bigger than Sir Brandt.

Oh, yes! Fill me!

Morana you dirty little temptress! Aghh, Ohh!

Oh yes, I've never been filled like this before!

Feel my power Morana! Feel my power inside you!

Fill me with your staff of power! It's so good!

Oh, you're so huge! Oh, Casimir!

- Feel my power! - Oh! Oh! Give it to me!

- Ohh! Ohh! - Give it to me!

- Ohh! - Casimir!

Alright, lover. Do you mind if I sit of your face

while you fuck my friend? Haha!

Ooh! Oh! Oh, God! Oh!

- What the hell? - Zombies!

- They've got in! - My face!

- It's Harriet's fault! - Hey!

You muppets!

[SINISTER TONE]

[MOANING SOUNDS]

[INAUDIBLE]

[MOANING SOUNDS CONTINUE]

TREVOR: Feel my, feel my power!

I could of sworn I heard something.

Like what?

I dunno.

Fucking Trevor. Why'd he have to come back?

I know, right. When we were having so much fun!

I'm wet just thinking about it.

You're a very bad girl!

[MOANING SOUNDS] There! Didn't you hear that?

Ahh!

[INTENSE MUSICAL ORCHESTRA]

Ah, Stop! Ah! Ohh!

Oh, my God! Run! Zombies!

Zombies!

- What the hell? - Zombies!

- They've got in! - My face!

What did I say? Tell me, what did I say?

I said, stay away from the doors and windows.

These things. Anything but advertise our presence.

That's all you had to do. Literally everything.

And yet I get five minutes to clean up and somehow you,

mouth breathers, manage to let in pervy Uncle Fester!

It wasn't me T!

I know Graham. I know.

My face, it really hurts!

I'm sorry about that Harriet, I really am, although

I could say, I told you so.

Oh, don't be so bloody smug Trevor.

And why shouldn't I be smug, Bobbi? For once something

terrible has happened and it isn't my bloody fault! Hahahaha!

Ugh.

Fuck.

[THROWING UP SOUNDS]

Ahhhhhh?

Ohh.

Shhhhh! Shhhhh! Shh!

[INDISTINCT MUMBLING]

[GROANING SOUNDS]

Christ!

[SUSPENSEFUL AMBIENCE BUILD UP]

Shh! Shhh! Shhh!

Wait. Wait.

I Think they've headed to the bedroom.

We need to make a break for it.

Make a break for it?

Ugh, yes! The compound is breached!

What we gonna do about her?

Well, she comes too!

No, she's been, uh...

BOBBI: Listen, if we go, we've gotta go now!

I can't go out in just a towel!

Oh, man up!

I'll man up when you give me your bloody clothes.

Well, why don't you go to the bedroom then, and slip into

something a little more comfortable,

with dead fucking Derek?!

- Shit! - No, he's right.

He needs clothes.

Thank you, Graham.

You're gonna have to kill Derek.

You expect me to wrestle a zombie in just a towel?

That's really, that's really supportive. Thank you.

Fucking sake! Do not leave me alone with him!

I'm still here Bobbi!

I know, I know mate. I just meant...

HARRIET: Bloody Derek!

I gave him a discount even.

I did!

Fine. Fine.

I'll do it.

I'll deal with Derek.

Oh, you don't have to do that mate.

No, no, no. No, no. It's okay. I'll take care of it.

Ugh, I'll distract him while you go and get on a pair of

bloody trousers and shit.

You'd do that just for me?

Yes, mate.

Give us a hug!

Uhh, okay. Enough of that.

That's uhh...

That, that was not, not to do with that.

Okay, ugh, we'll be right back.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

Ughhuhh.

Harr-Harriet?

What's happening to me?

You're going to be okay, alright? You're gonna be fine.

Stay behind me.

HARRIET: I can't believe Derek actually bit me.

He's usually so gentle with me.

Yeah. I-I-I told Trevor that you'd have a threesome with us.

Oh, God.

I really didn't, I didn't mean it.

This is for fucking the lovely Morana!

You festering piece of offal! Ahh!

Ahh!

Go on, Trevor! I've got this!

Ahhh! Ahha! Ahhhh!

[STRUGGLING SOUNDS]

Ah!

See! All those times you bitched at me for leaving

clothes on the floor. And now it pays off!

Is she turning?

Oh, I think so, yeah.

Right so, that's you fully dressed then?

Well, it's a start isn't it?

Harriet? I know seems horribly inappropriate but

do you think I could possibly have my t-shirt now?

Oh, for fucks sake Trevor, come on!

What?

Just why don't you get some dirty ones out the

laundry basket or something? Why?

[OPENING AND CLOSING DOOR SOUNDS]

You've got to be shitting me!

Graham.

Cheers mate!

Hey, I told you I had it?

Now I have!

GRAHAM: What?

- What, I've got two. - Ugh.

I'd forgot it was in there, alright?

I have laid waste to your enemy my lady!

Vengeance is yours!

We're fucked mate.

You two should probably get out,

you know, before any of the others find their way in.

Yeah.

I'll never forget this.

Oh, right, Trev. Come on, let's go.

So long, Sir Brandt!

Farewell, brave Casim...

Oh, for fucks sake. Come on, Sir Wankalot. Let's go.

- Sorry. - Bye, Bobbi.

Thought you might need this.

I didn't know you cared.

Oh, don't be silly.

Well, I'm sorry about Harriet.

I'm sorry about.

- Graham. - Yeah.

[ROMANTIC MUSIC]

Graham?

I know my love.

This is the only end I could of wished for too.

I want

to ea-eaaa...

I, I want you.

I want you.

Come on, let's beat this thing.

[MOANING SOUNDS]

- Come on. - We should get going.

Were you serious about that threesome by the way?

Because, umm, if you were,

there might still be other people alive.

[ROMANTIC OPERA MUSIC]

[ROMANTIC OPERA MUSIC CONTINUES]

[OPERA MUSIC FADES OUT]

[BELL RINGING] [OMINOUS TONE]

Balls!

- Double balls! - Yeah!

Hey, numb nuts!

Say hello to my little friend!

Ahh!

[HIGH TEMPO PERCUSSION]

Ahhhhh!

Ain't no ice cream in your fucking future!

Doc! Thank God!

Well, don't thank him. I'm the one doing all the heavy lifting!

- Is this the wife? - Oh yeah, Bobbi.

- Bobbi Doc, Doc Bobbi. - Nice!

Hiya!

Why don't you take the lady,

and I will handle the rest of these fuckers!

Lady?

Ah, it's just a figure of speech, no offense intended.

No, none taken at all.

Wh-why don't you come with us?

No, I'm having too much fun.

But why don't you take her some place nice and quiet

and start to work on repopulating.

Looks like she's got some child-bearing hips.

I'll see you around.

Haaaaaaa!

So why can't you just be like Doc then, Trevor?

I'm not going to be like him. He's a weirdo.

Right. Well, you're meant to be the fucking hero.

Did you see him? He had, he had a bag full of vaginas

and who wears a cowboy hat outside bloody East London?

- Wel... - I, I'm taking you somewhere.

Alright?

I'm taking you somewhere safe, and things are going to be

better. We're going to be able to live off the land.

We're going to be able to start again. Everything's gonna

be great, alright? I promise you.

Everything's going to be incredibly, incredibly amazing.

So, this is your somewhere safe then?

Well, I like to say "get a life".

Precious commodity now.

Yeah, well maybe you're a sad excuse for one.

I'm glad you're still alive Trev.

Thanks.

Wait here.

Oh, Christ!

Trev? [INDISCERNIBLE CHATTER]

Trevor?

So?

TREVOR: Come in!

Cheers!

Well, at least it's not raining.

Well, only 'cau-cause your toys would get wet.

- They're not toys. - No. Well, yeah they are.

No, yo-you wouldn't understand.

No, Trevor. I understand. I understand that this is your

hide-out, and that you'll do anything else except prepare

for the fucking world to end.

But, yeah. I guess I should of seen that coming should I?

- Jesus! - Trevor, Trevor?!

How are we meant to survive if all you're doing is playing with

toys and brewing whatever the fuck are in them bottles?

It's not brewing, it's distilling! And it-it's vodka!

Right! Okay, then. Well, I'll tell you what we'll do.

We'll get really, really pissed on your moonshine, yeah?

And then with any luck, hopefully, hopefully we'll be

that fucking pissed we won't feel a thing when the zombies

come and fucking eat us!

- What is that? - Lea-leave it!

- What Is that? - Come on, I just came

in here deliberately before you so you wouldn't have to see it.

You don't want to see it. It's messy.

Are you protecting me?

No, I just don't want you throwing up in my shed.

- Are you being a gentleman? - Hardly.

Oh, Trevor!

The one that used to be so sweet.

- Don't be ridiculous - He's back!

Shut up!

Look Trevor, you know, you know about Harriet?

It's okay. I forgive you.

Really? Because I-I was afraid you were dead.

You know, I just wanted pleasure before I was too.

Totally understandable.

Ah, but, at least there weren't any men involved.

There is that.

And you weren't dead.

Not yet.

You know we could.

What?

Well, it's been a long time hasn't it?

Jesus Bobbi, are you trying to seduce me?

Oh, Trevor. I remember the time where you didn't need seducing.

What was it that you used to call it?

Staff of power.

- Oop! - Oh!

- There it is! Eeheehee haha - Oh. There it is!

- Ugh. Mmm. - Oh, Trevor.

God, it feels a bit cold you know.

Maybe I should get my warm mouth over it, yeah?

Ouch! For fucks sake!

Bastard fucking.

Christ almighty little shit!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Careful with him!

- Careful with him? With him? - Can I, can I just have him?

It's a piece of metal you twat, that went straight into my leg.

Straight into my leg as I was about to suck your dick.

You ungrateful sod!

Please, just, just, just, just give him to me please.

Just, just, just let me have him.

Oh God, Gandalf the fucking gay!

Casimir.

Cas-im-there, now!

[GROWLING SOUNDS] [DRAMATIC TONE]

God damn it!

Woman!

- Shit! - Oh, please Trevor!

Man the fuck up!

Oh, shhhit!

[TENSE ORCHESTRAL]

They came back.

BOBBI: Back? Wh-what do you mean back?

Back here.

They're the allotment tenants.

Well, maybe they're headed somewhere familiar?

- Bit like yourself? - It's dawn of the dead Bobbi.

This isn't a fucking shopping mall!

Well, either way the gardeners are back. You know, you know

maybe the-they're hungry for some fleshier shit

than fucking cabbage.

Yeah.

Fuck.

Trev, you reckon we should shut the door lock?

Trev?

Fuck off.

Fuck off!

[INTENSE MUSICAL BUILD UP]

Shit, can't stop making it fucking hurt.

God.

[MOANING SOUNDS]

Fuck.

I bet every shed on this allotment has fucking

built in super cool zombie killing gun stuff.

You could of at least brought a golf club Trevor!

Trevor? Trevor say something.

Ma-maybe I'm immune.

[BANGING SOUNDS]

Ah, come Casimir!

We have been at odds for as long as I can recall, and

now I must offer you an Olive branch

in your time of need.

Along with some sage advice

to assist you in your predicament.

Thank you, Sir Brandt. I appreciate your counsel.

Do you recall the Autumn campaign some five years past?

Perhaps you can remind me of the particulars.

Hahaha. My Lady Morana,

great strategist that she was,

had ordered her main force to assault your castle,

whilst sending her seventh battalion of zombie volunteers

into the otherwise impenetrable swamp of Sagra since they would

be immune to the poisonous fumes therein.

Hahaha. Yes, I do recall.

A glorious pincer movement. Hahaha. She, uh, cleverly

fed you the information

by sacrificing her scouts

A worthy opponent.

Knowing that you would have to divide your forces and

fight a losing battle on two fronts.

But you,

you brave Casimir,

took it upon yourself to take on the seventh alone,

from a hillside overlooking the swamp, by hurling balls

of fire into the combustible lowlands,

incinerating the entire battalion single-handed.

Yes. Yes!

before returning to your men and

successfully repelling my attack.

Yes, yo-you, you're saying I should leave Bobbi.

No you twat! Well that as well probably.

I'm saying you should torch the fuckers!

I've got it. I know what we have to do.

What?

Right, they're all round the front, yeah?

And?

We douse the shed in Trevoff.

Trevoff? Fucking hell.

We douse the shed in Trevoff, open the front door,

climb out the back, make a break for it, I'll make one into

a molotov. We'll chuck it in. Burn them to death.

More death. You, you know. Just, they won't do anything.

Yeah.

[MUSICAL BUILD UP]

[CONTINUOUS BANGING SOUNDS]

I'm saving one so we can celebrate later.

[GLASS CLINKING SOUNDS]

You know it only takes one of us to open the door?

I'm not leaving you.

Yes, you are.

Like you said you might be immune. We can't know for sure.

- Trevor? - We can't assume.

assume makes an ass out of you and me. That's a famous phrase.

Trevor?

- Assumption is the mother of... - Trevor!

God, you know better than to argue with me.

Just don't let me become one of them.

And you were right. I did start smoking to annoy you!

Right, just go. You'll be alright.

Just don't make me ask you again, alright? Now, go!

I said, go! Go.

[UPLIFTING EPIC MUSIC]

[MOANING AND GROWLING SOUNDS]

BOBBI: You fucking bitches!

BOBBI: [INDISCERNIBLE CHATTER]

[PAINFUL SCREAMING SOUNDS]

[EPIC MUSIC FADES OUT]

[THUNDER SOUNDS]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

NARRATOR: In the months that passed, Trevor learned to tend the land.

To survive. He'd all but forgotten Casimir.

Hell, he'd become Casimir.

A bloody hero, as much as any

man alone can be. The real heroes he often

reflected as he worked, were those that died so

that he might live. Bobbi. Graham. He would always

remember their sacrifices.

DOC: They're not human anymore.

They're dead. When you see 'em, you kill 'em.

And I hope you'd do the same for me?

'Cause I don't wanna be one of the living dead.

I wanna be one of the dead, dead.

NARRATOR: And he'd eventually learn the most basic of lessons

for surviving a zombie apocalypse.

When you find a good weapon, you bloody well hold on to it!

[HIGH TEMPO DRUMS]

♪ YOU'VE BEEN SAYING

♪ THERE'S NO WORST THING THEN SISTERS CRYING IN THEIR SLEEP ♪

♪ DYING ON THEIR FEET TO TAKE YOU HOME ♪

♪ DAD IS THINKING THAT I'VE BEEN DRINKING ♪

♪ MY WAY BACK TO YOU

♪ MY WAY BACK TO YOU ONE MORE TIME ♪

♪ I HEAR YOUR LAUGHTER BUT ALL I'M AFTER ♪

♪ IS THE TEAR IN YOUR EYE

♪ IT'S MY WINGS I CAN FLY THAT'S IN THEIR WORLD ♪

♪ DAYLIGHT'S FADING BUT I'M STILL WAITING ♪

♪ YOUR HAND ON MY HEART. TEARING LONG AND APART ♪

♪ LIKE YOU DO

♪ HEEEY-EEY, I PICK UP THE PIECES BABY ♪

♪ DRY YOUR EYES AND TAKE YOU HOME ♪

♪ LOCKED OUT

♪ NOTHING MOVES AROUND HERE ♪

♪ WITHOUT YOU

♪ I KNOW YOU STOLEN

♪ THE SHADOWS FALL BEHIND THAT OLD FAMILIAR PAIN ♪

♪ OF ME STRANDED AGAIN IN YOUR HEART ♪

♪ THE BOAT IS SINKING AND I'M STILL DRINKING ♪

♪ MY WAY BACK TO YOU

♪ MY WAY BACK TO YOU ONE LAST TIME ♪

♪ HEEYEYY! I PICK UP THE PIECES BABY ♪

♪ DRY YOUR EYES AND TAKE YOU HOME ♪

♪ LOCKED OUT

♪ NOTHING MOVES AROUND HERE ♪

♪ WITHOUT YOU

[GUITAR SOLO]

[SOMBER ORCHESTRATION]

[ORCHESTRA CONTINUES]

[INTENSE DRUMS]

[TEMPO SPEEDS UP]

[INENSE MUSICAL BUILD UP]

[RAPID VIOLIN]

[ORCHESTRA FADING OUT]

[INTENSE MUSICAL BUILD UP]

[MUSIC FADES OUT]

[DRONING SOUND]