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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:37,459 --> 00:00:39,499 Aw, fuck... 2 00:01:09,667 --> 00:01:11,374 Fuckin' hell! 3 00:01:11,542 --> 00:01:14,083 What's the matter with you? What? 4 00:01:14,250 --> 00:01:18,083 - I'm not a bloody prostitute! - All right, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. 5 00:01:18,292 --> 00:01:20,499 Christ's sake, this was our second date! 6 00:01:20,667 --> 00:01:23,166 Was it? Listen, listen, all right... 7 00:01:23,334 --> 00:01:26,124 I was on the tequilas last night and, um... 8 00:01:27,125 --> 00:01:30,666 - What is your name again? - Oh, you're kidding. 9 00:01:30,834 --> 00:01:33,499 Tell you what, if you was a prostitute... 10 00:01:33,667 --> 00:01:35,708 you know... you'd be caked. 11 00:01:42,500 --> 00:01:45,333 What's the matter with you? That was a compliment! 12 00:01:45,500 --> 00:01:49,416 You know what I mean, I can't win! I've got the pox of it. 13 00:01:51,250 --> 00:01:55,416 Tell you something else, you're only an old dog, anyway. 14 00:01:55,584 --> 00:01:58,583 Maybe "boys' weekend," wasn't the best choice of words. 15 00:01:58,750 --> 00:02:00,416 Whatever. Have a nice time. 16 00:02:00,584 --> 00:02:04,416 I'm not one of those guys who ditches his mates for his girlfriend! 17 00:02:04,584 --> 00:02:07,458 - I don't want you to ditch your mates! - What DO you want? 18 00:02:07,625 --> 00:02:09,624 An invite would've been nice. 19 00:02:12,917 --> 00:02:14,999 No girls allowed, darling. 20 00:02:20,417 --> 00:02:22,749 I didn't know there was gonna be strippers! 21 00:02:22,917 --> 00:02:26,583 - And Neil's not in charge. I am. - That fills me with confidence. 22 00:02:26,750 --> 00:02:29,499 I'm only going to my gran's. I'll be back on Monday. 23 00:02:29,667 --> 00:02:31,916 I'll have the locks changed before then. 24 00:02:37,000 --> 00:02:40,583 Bex, Bex... It's for Vince. Vince! 25 00:02:40,750 --> 00:02:43,499 He's helped me out so many times, I've lost count. 26 00:02:43,667 --> 00:02:46,833 When I first came to London, he supported me. I owe him. 27 00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:50,333 Lots of people get divorced, Mikey. He'll get over it. 28 00:02:50,500 --> 00:02:54,166 Yes, by spending a weekend getting trollied with his mates. 29 00:02:54,334 --> 00:02:57,458 Well, you can celebrate your own divorce with him! 30 00:02:57,625 --> 00:03:00,916 I thought you'd react like that, so I glued your ring on. 31 00:03:01,084 --> 00:03:05,374 - See you Monday, babe. Love you too! - Mikey, if you walk out that gate... 32 00:03:09,000 --> 00:03:12,416 You don't know whether you're coming or going, do you? 33 00:03:14,084 --> 00:03:16,041 Patrick! 34 00:03:18,375 --> 00:03:19,958 I'm going. I'm going! 35 00:03:20,125 --> 00:03:22,499 The first weekend my parents visit in years, 36 00:03:22,667 --> 00:03:26,249 and you bugger off to the wilderness to rediscover your testicles! 37 00:03:26,417 --> 00:03:29,666 It's bad enough I have to tell them you've quit your job... 38 00:03:29,834 --> 00:03:32,583 Welcome to Sonic Stress Therapy. 39 00:03:32,750 --> 00:03:37,749 It's going to be a beautiful day. Let's start it with a smile. 40 00:03:37,917 --> 00:03:41,999 - Anxiety is almost the same... - Are you just gonna fucking go? 41 00:04:06,792 --> 00:04:08,874 No, no. 42 00:04:09,042 --> 00:04:15,041 It's a symbol of his identity, and the source of his primeval inner strength. 43 00:04:15,209 --> 00:04:18,333 So how come the Zombie Girls kick his arse on page four? 44 00:04:18,500 --> 00:04:21,416 How many times have I told you they're NOT zombies?! 45 00:04:21,584 --> 00:04:27,083 - All right, calm down. It's only a comic. - No, no, it's not only a comic. 46 00:04:27,250 --> 00:04:31,874 This is a... It's a unique and often misunderstood art form. 47 00:04:32,042 --> 00:04:35,583 This... is a painstakingly crafted, 48 00:04:35,750 --> 00:04:40,333 and carefully balanced alignment of words and art, OK? 49 00:04:40,500 --> 00:04:43,666 - What, like TV? - Do you want it or not? 50 00:04:43,834 --> 00:04:47,291 - No, it's stupid. - Right, piss off! 51 00:04:47,459 --> 00:04:51,249 - Go on. We're closing early, OK? - What? Why? 52 00:04:51,417 --> 00:04:54,416 Space/time anomaly. 53 00:04:54,584 --> 00:04:57,916 You mean... you want a bit of time alone with your missus. 54 00:04:58,084 --> 00:05:00,374 Don't touch her. Get off her and get out! 55 00:05:00,542 --> 00:05:03,083 Go on, then! 56 00:05:03,250 --> 00:05:05,583 Go on, out! And don't come back! 57 00:05:07,334 --> 00:05:09,416 Little knob-end. 58 00:05:18,042 --> 00:05:20,249 Vince, you're not getting out of this! 59 00:05:20,417 --> 00:05:24,583 - You're coming with us! - We're gonna have such a good time! 60 00:05:29,209 --> 00:05:31,708 Be careful! Be careful! Be careful! 61 00:05:40,250 --> 00:05:42,458 Oh, you bastard! 62 00:05:44,834 --> 00:05:55,749 Bastard! 63 00:05:58,625 --> 00:06:00,666 Bastard! 64 00:06:41,167 --> 00:06:43,624 # She's a special girl, you know 65 00:06:43,792 --> 00:06:47,749 # The kind I'd hope to see Hanging on a wall 66 00:06:47,917 --> 00:06:50,166 # Watching me cross the street 67 00:06:57,125 --> 00:06:59,666 # I wonder how long it will be 68 00:06:59,834 --> 00:07:03,833 # Before I'm sick of her And I no longer care 69 00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:05,666 # Where she goes or has been 70 00:07:05,834 --> 00:07:09,666 # Cause she's the new thing 71 00:07:09,834 --> 00:07:11,583 # She is the new thing 72 00:07:11,750 --> 00:07:13,833 # Well, she's the new thing 73 00:07:19,750 --> 00:07:23,749 # She is the new thing 74 00:07:24,042 --> 00:07:25,791 # Another new thing 75 00:07:25,959 --> 00:07:29,708 # Feel my stomach sink As I curse my slow limbs 76 00:07:29,875 --> 00:07:31,624 # She is the new thing 77 00:07:31,792 --> 00:07:33,874 # Always a new thing 78 00:07:34,042 --> 00:07:37,791 # Staring at her, ulterior girl # 79 00:07:40,709 --> 00:07:42,249 Thanks. 80 00:07:42,417 --> 00:07:45,249 - Vince, you left this behind, mate. - Ta. 81 00:07:45,417 --> 00:07:48,249 - I thought you'd given up. - I have. 82 00:07:48,417 --> 00:07:50,958 - Where's Banksy? - Late. 83 00:07:51,125 --> 00:07:53,458 He's always late for everything. 84 00:07:53,625 --> 00:07:55,708 He showed up on time for his wedding. 85 00:07:58,584 --> 00:08:00,208 Why's that funny? 86 00:08:00,375 --> 00:08:04,874 Well, he showed up, and, um... she didn't show up at all. 87 00:08:05,042 --> 00:08:07,499 Lucky bastard! 88 00:08:07,667 --> 00:08:10,249 Here, I'll give him call. 89 00:08:31,917 --> 00:08:34,166 Oh, shit! 90 00:08:40,125 --> 00:08:42,708 "... you're through to Banksy Electrical. 91 00:08:42,875 --> 00:08:46,333 Please leave your name and number after the tone, and I'll... " 92 00:08:46,750 --> 00:08:50,208 Banksy, you're wanker. 93 00:08:50,375 --> 00:08:52,083 Hurry up! 94 00:08:52,250 --> 00:08:54,458 Liven yourself up, lazy-bollocks! 95 00:08:56,167 --> 00:08:58,708 Hey, Pat, what's with them golf clubs, man? 96 00:08:58,875 --> 00:09:01,666 There's no golf courses where we're going. 97 00:09:01,834 --> 00:09:05,291 That's why have this bag... my little friend. 98 00:09:05,459 --> 00:09:07,541 You know there's more to life than football. 99 00:09:07,709 --> 00:09:11,291 - All you need is the open air... - Me nuts, ow! 100 00:09:11,459 --> 00:09:15,166 I don't think your new-age golf therapy is gonna work on Vince, Pat. 101 00:09:15,334 --> 00:09:17,458 Vince is real man, Pat, not like you. 102 00:09:17,625 --> 00:09:20,291 You should've seen him in his glory days, Mikey. 103 00:09:20,459 --> 00:09:24,291 I mean, they used to call him Fearless. 104 00:09:24,459 --> 00:09:29,083 He would step out in front of a raging bull just to protect his mates, 105 00:09:29,250 --> 00:09:33,124 and still manage to buy the first round from his hospital bed. 106 00:09:33,292 --> 00:09:37,458 Yeah, that's only 'cause you guys picked up what was left in me wallet. 107 00:09:37,625 --> 00:09:40,416 - We helped you. - Go on, show Mikey. 108 00:09:40,584 --> 00:09:44,041 - Oh, yeah, look at this! - Let's have a look. 109 00:09:45,334 --> 00:09:50,374 Pamplona Bull Run '96. He screamed like a girl the whole way around. 110 00:09:50,542 --> 00:09:52,624 I wish I was there, man... 111 00:09:52,792 --> 00:09:54,083 Shit! 112 00:09:56,292 --> 00:09:59,041 Sorry, mate, seriously. Let me just... 113 00:09:59,209 --> 00:10:01,583 Anyway, where were we? 114 00:10:21,959 --> 00:10:23,624 Snap out of it, Vince. 115 00:10:23,792 --> 00:10:27,416 Today you re-discover your inner bloke. You don't wanna miss it. 116 00:10:27,584 --> 00:10:29,666 Me inner bloke's all right, thanks. 117 00:10:29,834 --> 00:10:32,708 He's not, though, is he? He's lost his way. 118 00:10:33,917 --> 00:10:38,499 We all have. All suffering from social gender anxiety. 119 00:10:38,667 --> 00:10:40,708 Is that some sort of disease or something? 120 00:10:40,875 --> 00:10:42,833 Nobody knows, that's the problem. 121 00:10:43,000 --> 00:10:46,124 The second you try to figure it out... doomed. 122 00:10:47,500 --> 00:10:51,958 Not you, Vince. We're gonna bring you back from the brink. 123 00:10:54,459 --> 00:10:57,541 - Oi, no smoking! - Shut up. 124 00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:02,416 - You're outnumbered. - Ooh, I'm terrified 125 00:11:02,584 --> 00:11:04,416 Slag. 126 00:11:04,584 --> 00:11:06,958 - Charmer... - Wha'? Wha'? 127 00:11:07,125 --> 00:11:10,874 - Now, listen to me, boys... - I thought it was funny. 128 00:11:11,042 --> 00:11:12,749 This is the plan. 129 00:11:12,917 --> 00:11:17,666 First thing we do in the country, we piss up the trees, mark our territory. 130 00:11:17,834 --> 00:11:21,749 Then we're gonna find a pub and drink till we've forgotten how to speak. 131 00:11:21,917 --> 00:11:26,708 We'll communicate in grunts like cavemen, until we pass out in the woods. 132 00:11:26,875 --> 00:11:29,083 Any questions? 133 00:11:29,250 --> 00:11:32,541 - Are you Michael? I'm the driver. - Hey, she's the driver! 134 00:11:35,875 --> 00:11:38,208 Wanna see my driver's license? 135 00:11:39,250 --> 00:11:41,374 Uh... 136 00:11:42,542 --> 00:11:45,041 That's Mikey, the little squirt sitting there. 137 00:11:46,542 --> 00:11:49,791 I'm Neil. What's your name, babe? 138 00:11:49,959 --> 00:11:51,999 I can tell you now it's not "babe". 139 00:11:52,167 --> 00:11:55,249 It's gonna be a long drive, isn't it? 140 00:11:55,417 --> 00:11:58,041 Looks like it's heading that way, don't it? 141 00:11:59,167 --> 00:12:01,791 I tell you what, let's start again. 142 00:12:01,959 --> 00:12:04,499 - My name's Neil. - My name's Ruth. 143 00:12:06,167 --> 00:12:08,666 From now on it's Candy. 144 00:12:08,834 --> 00:12:12,999 Ignore him, RUTH. He's a throwback. He hasn't evolved properly. 145 00:12:14,250 --> 00:12:16,291 Call me Candy. 146 00:12:22,209 --> 00:12:24,083 Come on! 147 00:12:31,042 --> 00:12:33,458 Wehey! Woo-hoo! 148 00:12:34,500 --> 00:12:37,249 - Right, boys, you ready? - Yeah! 149 00:12:37,417 --> 00:12:41,124 Get on these two here, look. A couple of right wrong 'uns. 150 00:12:41,292 --> 00:12:44,541 I'll tell you what, women love me. 151 00:12:44,709 --> 00:12:48,249 You got enough petrol, babe, and all that, yeah? 152 00:12:49,875 --> 00:12:53,041 - Have you called Banksy again? - He'll show up. 153 00:12:53,209 --> 00:12:56,749 He's like Mikey's missus. You can't shake him off. 154 00:13:04,500 --> 00:13:06,916 It looks nice, but it's a piece of shit. 155 00:13:07,084 --> 00:13:08,958 - What? - It's fucked. 156 00:13:09,125 --> 00:13:10,999 But I've only had it five minutes. 157 00:13:11,167 --> 00:13:15,791 Someone's run the knackers off it. You can't fix that with a nice paint job. 158 00:13:22,834 --> 00:13:25,583 You're the one who's getting divorced, ain't you? 159 00:13:25,750 --> 00:13:27,458 Thanks for bringing it up. 160 00:13:27,625 --> 00:13:30,499 There's worse things than getting divorced. 161 00:13:30,667 --> 00:13:33,624 Rape, murder, castration. 162 00:13:33,792 --> 00:13:36,249 Fair enough. 163 00:13:36,417 --> 00:13:40,124 What's in a weird village like Moodley that you can't find in London? 164 00:13:40,292 --> 00:13:43,958 Mikey's nan lives there. We'll stay there while she's away. 165 00:13:44,125 --> 00:13:45,874 What do you mean weird? 166 00:13:46,042 --> 00:13:48,666 Well, it's just a dead-end in the middle of the woods. 167 00:13:48,834 --> 00:13:51,833 There's nothing there. 168 00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:54,416 When I saw the booking I thought it was a wind-up. 169 00:13:54,584 --> 00:13:57,374 Mikey says the women outnumber the men four to one. 170 00:13:57,542 --> 00:13:59,833 - Yes, they do, Neil. - Oh... 171 00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:02,999 - And obviously they're all gagging for it. - Obviously. 172 00:14:03,167 --> 00:14:05,458 An entire village full of man-hungry women 173 00:14:05,625 --> 00:14:08,874 waiting to jump the first band of desperados rolling up from London. 174 00:14:09,042 --> 00:14:11,291 - Have you been there, then? - Uh-uh. 175 00:14:11,459 --> 00:14:14,208 My firm hasn't booked a job to Moodley in years. 176 00:14:15,167 --> 00:14:16,916 Oh, sod off. 177 00:14:18,584 --> 00:14:22,124 Don't fear. There's no cause for alarm. 178 00:14:22,292 --> 00:14:24,583 All is well. 179 00:14:24,750 --> 00:14:27,666 Death is a natural part of life. 180 00:14:27,834 --> 00:14:31,833 Anxiety about this is an inbuilt survival reflex, 181 00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:38,166 no longer required in this beautiful predator-free world. 182 00:14:51,292 --> 00:14:53,624 Welcome to the country. 183 00:15:03,334 --> 00:15:05,541 I'll do it, then, shall I? 184 00:15:09,042 --> 00:15:10,499 Yeah, well done. 185 00:15:16,334 --> 00:15:19,333 What's your nana up to this weekend, Mikey? 186 00:15:19,500 --> 00:15:21,999 She's off on a cruise while the builders are in. 187 00:15:22,167 --> 00:15:24,208 What builders? 188 00:15:24,375 --> 00:15:27,416 Oh, they'll be gone by the time we come out of the pub. 189 00:15:27,584 --> 00:15:30,583 What about when they're back at dawn and start drilling holes? 190 00:15:30,750 --> 00:15:33,666 - She doesn't know we're coming. - Well... I did say... 191 00:15:33,834 --> 00:15:38,333 - You fuckin' idiot. - Listen, man, I know where the key is! 192 00:15:38,500 --> 00:15:40,749 Jesus! This gets better and better. 193 00:15:40,917 --> 00:15:44,291 I might just stay on the minibus and wait for the return trip. 194 00:15:44,459 --> 00:15:49,083 Gentlemen, you are all past the point of no return. 195 00:15:52,375 --> 00:15:54,708 Oh, for fuck's sake, Mikey. 196 00:15:54,875 --> 00:15:56,749 It's not me. It's not me! 197 00:15:59,625 --> 00:16:01,999 Hello? Yeah... 198 00:16:02,167 --> 00:16:04,624 I told you I'd sign the papers. 199 00:16:04,792 --> 00:16:06,958 Solicitors always say that. 200 00:16:07,125 --> 00:16:09,791 I can't do nothing today. I'm not in London. 201 00:16:11,250 --> 00:16:13,791 Moodley... Moodley! 202 00:16:13,959 --> 00:16:16,249 What do you mean it's a shit hole? 203 00:16:18,667 --> 00:16:20,624 Hello? Hello? 204 00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:28,541 Not my PS... 205 00:16:28,709 --> 00:16:32,583 That's it. Give us that fucking thing. I've had enough of this! 206 00:16:32,875 --> 00:16:36,708 - I'm not having this. - What are you gonna do? 207 00:16:36,875 --> 00:16:41,083 - All the phones, off, in this bag. - What?! 208 00:16:41,250 --> 00:16:43,999 - OK? All of you. Come on! - No, no, no, no. 209 00:16:44,167 --> 00:16:47,833 Getting away from it all doesn't include spousal abuse by T-Mobile. 210 00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:51,124 - See you, darling. - I need to ring my mum. 211 00:16:51,292 --> 00:16:54,708 - You've got mine already. - In the bag, sunshine. 212 00:16:59,250 --> 00:17:01,958 - Ladies first. - After you, then. 213 00:17:02,542 --> 00:17:04,541 All right. 214 00:17:35,375 --> 00:17:37,624 Mikey?! Is this it? 215 00:17:37,792 --> 00:17:41,958 - Please tell me you took a wrong turn. - Told you the place was a dead end. 216 00:17:42,125 --> 00:17:44,791 Is that it? Is this...? 217 00:17:44,959 --> 00:17:46,833 Mikey! 218 00:17:55,750 --> 00:17:58,124 We're in the middle of fuckin' nowhere. 219 00:17:58,292 --> 00:18:02,583 I'd leave all that, Mikey, till we've done a bit of reconnaissance. 220 00:18:02,834 --> 00:18:07,624 - We might not be staying. - What do you mean not staying? 221 00:18:07,792 --> 00:18:10,999 I'm off the clock for half an hour, then I'm leaving... 222 00:18:11,167 --> 00:18:13,249 ...with or without you. 223 00:18:16,500 --> 00:18:18,374 Fiddlesticks! 224 00:18:28,209 --> 00:18:30,124 On your head! 225 00:18:31,792 --> 00:18:34,791 - What the fuck are you doing? - You idiot! 226 00:18:44,209 --> 00:18:47,999 I'm sure this place used to be bigger when I was, err... little. 227 00:18:50,542 --> 00:18:53,749 Looks like the whole village has fucked off with your nan. 228 00:18:53,917 --> 00:18:55,999 Where's all the women, then? 229 00:18:56,167 --> 00:18:58,499 When were you last here, Mikey? 230 00:18:58,667 --> 00:19:03,541 - Well, it's been a few years. - Right, come on. First things first. 231 00:19:03,709 --> 00:19:08,416 Mikey, you break into your nan's house and make sure I've got a bed for tonight. 232 00:19:08,584 --> 00:19:11,791 The rest of us can get the beers in at the... Cock & Bull, 233 00:19:11,959 --> 00:19:14,666 and drink until Moodley starts looking like Barbados. 234 00:19:14,834 --> 00:19:16,916 And someone go get Candy down for a drink. 235 00:19:17,084 --> 00:19:18,833 I'll go. 236 00:19:19,000 --> 00:19:22,791 Neil, if she sees you, she's liable to drive away with our stuff. 237 00:19:22,959 --> 00:19:26,416 What are you talking about? Women love me. 238 00:19:26,584 --> 00:19:27,999 Really 239 00:19:28,167 --> 00:19:31,541 You are a long way from your sports car, though, aren't you? 240 00:19:40,250 --> 00:19:43,208 I'm gonna go for a slash. Get us a pint of the usual. 241 00:19:43,375 --> 00:19:46,208 Oh, no, put your money away, Neil. My shout 242 00:19:46,542 --> 00:19:48,499 Knob. 243 00:20:16,667 --> 00:20:18,749 "Vote Meg Nut". 244 00:20:18,917 --> 00:20:21,791 Meg Nut... Nut-meg... 245 00:20:22,834 --> 00:20:24,958 "Sponsored by Wundawash. " 246 00:20:35,625 --> 00:20:37,083 Ew! 247 00:20:53,542 --> 00:20:55,583 Oh, shit. 248 00:21:09,709 --> 00:21:11,291 Ew! 249 00:21:22,500 --> 00:21:24,874 Yes! Yes, yes, yes. 250 00:21:25,917 --> 00:21:28,041 Oh, thank you, gnomie. 251 00:21:37,209 --> 00:21:38,708 Hello? 252 00:21:38,875 --> 00:21:42,208 I can't believe we jumped on one of Mikey's schemes. 253 00:21:42,375 --> 00:21:46,291 - His heart's in the right place. - Shame his head is up his arse. 254 00:21:46,459 --> 00:21:49,583 Come on, Pat. Liven yourself up. Get 'em in. 255 00:21:49,750 --> 00:21:52,208 Neil, Do you see any bar staff? 256 00:21:52,375 --> 00:21:55,166 I think I just saw one in the khazi, chucking up. 257 00:21:55,334 --> 00:22:00,083 - Maybe they're all sick. - What the fuck is that horrible stench? 258 00:22:00,250 --> 00:22:03,458 It's the smoking ban, mate. Get rid of the all the puffers, 259 00:22:03,625 --> 00:22:07,458 you'll find out what a pub really smells like - stale beer and piss. 260 00:22:07,625 --> 00:22:10,166 No. It's something else. 261 00:22:13,042 --> 00:22:14,708 Where the fuck's Matt? 262 00:22:30,917 --> 00:22:33,291 All right, calm down. You sound like a dolphin. 263 00:22:33,459 --> 00:22:35,249 Idiot. 264 00:22:35,417 --> 00:22:38,083 Look at that. 265 00:22:38,792 --> 00:22:41,333 It's a knob in a box. 266 00:22:57,709 --> 00:22:59,583 This is a joke, right? 267 00:23:05,917 --> 00:23:07,791 Don't... 268 00:23:08,959 --> 00:23:11,249 Hey, back up. Back up. 269 00:23:11,417 --> 00:23:12,708 I will... 270 00:23:17,209 --> 00:23:20,583 Looks like there is life on Mars, after all. 271 00:23:24,417 --> 00:23:27,416 - What's the matter with her? - I think she's homeless. 272 00:23:27,584 --> 00:23:32,208 300 miles from London, the only person we see is selling the Big Issue. 273 00:23:32,375 --> 00:23:36,458 - Let's get some change. - I've got some, I've got some. 274 00:23:39,334 --> 00:23:41,624 Hey! Hey! 275 00:23:50,625 --> 00:23:52,416 Go Vince! 276 00:23:55,959 --> 00:23:58,333 - It's not what it looks like, mate! - Yeah? 277 00:23:59,500 --> 00:24:01,749 Matt, call the police! 278 00:24:05,792 --> 00:24:07,291 Go, Graham. Hit him! 279 00:24:14,000 --> 00:24:16,291 Go on! Somebody else hit him! 280 00:24:19,750 --> 00:24:22,208 Put the knife down, mate. 281 00:24:22,375 --> 00:24:24,916 Put the knife down! 282 00:24:29,125 --> 00:24:31,416 You lot, just listen to me! 283 00:24:37,167 --> 00:24:39,124 - Hey, watch! - She stabbed me! 284 00:24:39,292 --> 00:24:41,124 All right, hey, hey! 285 00:24:42,084 --> 00:24:44,208 - Oi! Oi! - What are you doing?! 286 00:24:46,250 --> 00:24:48,374 - Can we talk about this? - Hang on, hang on. 287 00:24:51,625 --> 00:24:53,124 Jesus... 288 00:25:01,167 --> 00:25:04,333 - What... What's wrong with her? - What do you mean? 289 00:25:04,500 --> 00:25:08,541 She's like Evil Dead in your shop, those things with the claws and teeth! 290 00:25:10,084 --> 00:25:13,708 And she's not the only one. 291 00:25:17,542 --> 00:25:20,166 Look! Look at that. Look, look. 292 00:25:26,459 --> 00:25:28,999 - Back on the bus, then, eh? - Yes, yes! 293 00:25:30,042 --> 00:25:32,541 - What about Action Man? - Oh, shit. 294 00:25:32,709 --> 00:25:34,958 Come on! Leave him! 295 00:25:43,375 --> 00:25:46,499 Candy, start her up, baby. We're leaving. 296 00:25:51,667 --> 00:25:54,333 Let's go somewhere else, then. 297 00:25:56,167 --> 00:25:57,833 Yeah, OK. 298 00:25:59,125 --> 00:26:00,958 Where's your nan's house, Mike? 299 00:26:02,959 --> 00:26:05,833 Mike, your nan's house! 300 00:26:09,834 --> 00:26:11,291 OK, uh... 301 00:26:14,584 --> 00:26:17,124 Let's take the scenic route. 302 00:26:41,959 --> 00:26:44,291 Mikey... Get his gun. 303 00:26:48,500 --> 00:26:50,583 YOU get it. 304 00:27:07,292 --> 00:27:09,791 It's empty. 305 00:27:09,959 --> 00:27:11,666 Oh, mate... 306 00:27:11,834 --> 00:27:13,791 That is not cool... 307 00:27:13,959 --> 00:27:16,208 Look at the state of him. 308 00:27:21,209 --> 00:27:23,666 What? 309 00:27:25,250 --> 00:27:27,249 He said, "Don't go in the woods. " 310 00:27:27,417 --> 00:27:29,541 - Why? - Why you asking me? 311 00:27:34,625 --> 00:27:36,916 What's in the woods? 312 00:27:37,084 --> 00:27:39,666 Everything... you've ever been afraid of. 313 00:27:47,500 --> 00:27:49,166 Oh, shit! Oh, shit! 314 00:27:52,250 --> 00:27:54,416 Quick, quick, Graham! 315 00:27:54,584 --> 00:27:57,666 - Open the fucking door! - I'm gonna do it when I get the key! 316 00:27:57,834 --> 00:28:00,666 These are multi-combat trousers! They've got 11 pockets! 317 00:28:08,000 --> 00:28:10,249 You missed her! 318 00:28:12,459 --> 00:28:13,999 Open the fucking door! 319 00:28:23,084 --> 00:28:24,583 - Vince! - What? 320 00:28:24,750 --> 00:28:25,999 Help me! 321 00:28:30,250 --> 00:28:32,333 - I've got the key! - OPEN IT, THEN! 322 00:28:40,334 --> 00:28:42,499 Shut the back door! 323 00:28:50,792 --> 00:28:52,249 Oi, oi! 324 00:28:52,459 --> 00:28:54,458 They're moving away! 325 00:28:59,750 --> 00:29:04,791 All right, you funny cunts, how's this supposed to cheer me up? 326 00:29:17,917 --> 00:29:21,166 - Phones are dead. - "Let's put all the mobiles in a bag. " 327 00:29:21,334 --> 00:29:24,458 - Good idea, Neil! - You wanna talk about this some more? 328 00:29:24,625 --> 00:29:28,374 Let's talk about the unliveable state of this house we're staying in. 329 00:29:28,542 --> 00:29:31,083 OK, back door's locked, kettle is on. 330 00:29:31,250 --> 00:29:32,791 Neil. 331 00:29:37,459 --> 00:29:41,458 - They're not coming back. - So what's going on here? 332 00:29:42,500 --> 00:29:45,624 It could be some kind of chemical spillage. 333 00:29:45,792 --> 00:29:48,333 Maybe one of the streams has been polluted. 334 00:29:48,500 --> 00:29:50,624 Patrick, when was the last time 335 00:29:50,792 --> 00:29:55,291 you saw pollution turn somebody into an axe murderer? 336 00:29:56,334 --> 00:30:00,041 Candy didn't even get off the bus and she still turned into that. 337 00:30:01,292 --> 00:30:04,958 - So it must be in the air. - Why haven't we got it? And him? 338 00:30:05,125 --> 00:30:09,166 - Maybe only women get it. - What kind of virus only affects women? 339 00:30:10,750 --> 00:30:13,624 Bird flu. 340 00:30:15,709 --> 00:30:17,833 So where did all the men go? 341 00:30:18,000 --> 00:30:19,541 Shh! 342 00:30:21,292 --> 00:30:22,749 Shh, shh, shh... 343 00:30:22,917 --> 00:30:24,499 No, no, no, no! 344 00:30:27,125 --> 00:30:28,916 What is it? 345 00:30:36,750 --> 00:30:39,374 Are you fucking retarded? 346 00:30:39,542 --> 00:30:41,791 All the men are dead. 347 00:30:41,959 --> 00:30:45,708 - Sit down, Andy McNabb. - Easy, mate. I'm not the enemy. 348 00:30:45,875 --> 00:30:48,374 - Really? See, I think you are. - Right... 349 00:30:48,542 --> 00:30:52,041 We demand an explanation! 350 00:30:52,209 --> 00:30:54,749 Is it a biological weapon gone out of control? 351 00:30:54,917 --> 00:30:56,666 It's classified is what it is. 352 00:30:56,834 --> 00:30:59,666 It's hardly classified, mate, it's running about in stilettos! 353 00:30:59,834 --> 00:31:03,124 - I said sit down. - Or what? Or what? 354 00:31:05,542 --> 00:31:07,708 Oi! Oi! Oi! 355 00:31:10,125 --> 00:31:12,041 Kettle's boiled. 356 00:31:20,917 --> 00:31:23,541 - What's your name? - Sergeant Gavin Wright. 357 00:31:23,709 --> 00:31:27,333 We don't give fuck about your rank. We want an explanation. 358 00:31:27,500 --> 00:31:30,083 - It's virus. - Why aren't we infected? 359 00:31:30,250 --> 00:31:33,291 I thought you'd worked this one out. Only women get it. 360 00:31:33,459 --> 00:31:36,041 - Why? - Just luck. 361 00:31:36,209 --> 00:31:38,666 Oh, that's not funny. Is there a cure? 362 00:31:38,834 --> 00:31:41,583 I don't think anybody survived long enough to try. 363 00:31:41,750 --> 00:31:44,666 But that's not my department. I'm just here to shoot them. 364 00:31:46,375 --> 00:31:48,249 - What...? - How did it start? 365 00:31:48,417 --> 00:31:50,708 The only questions you need to ask are, 366 00:31:50,875 --> 00:31:53,583 "How many are there?" And, "Are they in our way?" 367 00:31:53,750 --> 00:31:55,416 So, how many are there? 368 00:31:55,584 --> 00:31:57,958 The whole village has gone over to the dark side. 369 00:31:58,125 --> 00:32:00,541 Most of them are out in the woods. 370 00:32:00,709 --> 00:32:03,958 So if you're thinking of hiking out of here, think again. 371 00:32:04,125 --> 00:32:06,624 What the fuck are they doing in the woods? 372 00:32:06,792 --> 00:32:11,166 Maybe they're all taking a shit. Women like to go to the toilet together. 373 00:32:11,334 --> 00:32:15,083 What do you think they're doing? They're looking for fresh meat. 374 00:32:16,125 --> 00:32:18,541 - So what's your exit plan? - Same as yours. 375 00:32:18,709 --> 00:32:22,041 Get on the minibus and fuck off out the way you came in. 376 00:32:22,209 --> 00:32:24,999 Well, there's little problem with your plan, Marvin. 377 00:32:25,167 --> 00:32:30,041 Bad Candy lives on that bus. And she's got a little skin complaint. 378 00:32:44,084 --> 00:32:48,833 When she gets off the bus, start running and don't stop until you hear the horn. 379 00:32:49,000 --> 00:32:50,958 We'll come back and pick you up. 380 00:32:51,125 --> 00:32:53,916 Why are you so sure she's gonna follow me? 381 00:32:54,084 --> 00:32:56,083 Women love you. 382 00:32:57,625 --> 00:33:01,749 If you have to kill her, just do it. She's not Candy anymore. 383 00:33:03,042 --> 00:33:05,833 She never was. Her name's Ruth. 384 00:33:06,000 --> 00:33:08,291 - Whatever. - Well, stop calling her Candy. 385 00:33:08,459 --> 00:33:11,458 Neil, now is not the time to stop objectifying women. 386 00:33:11,625 --> 00:33:13,374 Be new man tomorrow. 387 00:33:13,542 --> 00:33:18,583 Today, we need you to be the misogynist Neanderthal arsehole we know and love. 388 00:33:18,750 --> 00:33:22,333 - You could get this virus next... - Fuck off. 389 00:33:22,500 --> 00:33:24,541 You even hit like a girl. 390 00:33:25,375 --> 00:33:27,291 - What are you doing? - Fucking go. 391 00:33:27,459 --> 00:33:29,583 - Liberty-taker. - Hurry up! 392 00:33:29,750 --> 00:33:31,708 All right, I'm going. 393 00:33:46,667 --> 00:33:49,249 Come on... Come and have a nibble. 394 00:33:49,417 --> 00:33:51,958 You know you want it. 395 00:33:53,459 --> 00:33:55,541 Bollocks. 396 00:34:08,500 --> 00:34:10,083 Get off the... 397 00:34:10,250 --> 00:34:13,458 - Go! Go! - Quick, hurry up! 398 00:34:24,084 --> 00:34:26,083 Get the phones! 399 00:34:26,250 --> 00:34:27,708 Someone get the phones! 400 00:34:36,334 --> 00:34:37,874 Bastards! 401 00:34:53,755 --> 00:34:55,916 Fuckin' hell! 402 00:35:25,209 --> 00:35:28,583 Oh, man. We are dog meat. 403 00:35:30,209 --> 00:35:32,874 They're everywhere! 404 00:35:33,042 --> 00:35:35,041 - Shit... - Oh, man! 405 00:35:37,917 --> 00:35:39,416 Julie? 406 00:35:39,584 --> 00:35:41,124 Do you know her? 407 00:35:44,125 --> 00:35:46,999 Yeah, yeah... We had thing once, it didn't end well. 408 00:35:49,209 --> 00:35:51,958 - I'm gonna be sick. - How do you think I feel?! 409 00:35:55,959 --> 00:35:59,333 The phones... I've got the fucking phones! 410 00:35:59,500 --> 00:36:01,124 Shit... 411 00:36:02,459 --> 00:36:06,333 - Do something! You're the soldier! - Look at the fucking size of her! 412 00:36:08,250 --> 00:36:09,999 Oh, no... 413 00:36:12,334 --> 00:36:14,041 Get her off me! 414 00:36:19,167 --> 00:36:21,291 Look out, Vince. Look out! 415 00:36:26,375 --> 00:36:28,083 Fuck! Come on! 416 00:36:41,250 --> 00:36:42,708 Yeah! 417 00:36:52,584 --> 00:36:54,291 Oh, look at your teeth! 418 00:36:57,875 --> 00:36:59,874 Fuckin' hell! Patrick! 419 00:37:16,875 --> 00:37:20,083 - We should start placing bets. - My money's on that one. 420 00:37:22,375 --> 00:37:24,249 Let's go! 421 00:37:28,125 --> 00:37:29,999 Everyone stay together! 422 00:37:30,625 --> 00:37:32,749 Here, here! Quick, come on. 423 00:38:05,000 --> 00:38:06,999 Fuckin' hell. 424 00:38:44,167 --> 00:38:48,583 She'll be through that freakin' window in a minute. Grab anything you can. 425 00:38:54,167 --> 00:38:56,041 - Vince! - What? 426 00:38:58,667 --> 00:39:01,291 Still in its original packaging! 427 00:39:03,584 --> 00:39:06,624 Weapons, Matt. Grab any weapons you can. 428 00:39:06,792 --> 00:39:09,208 Not fuckin' robots. 429 00:39:09,375 --> 00:39:11,499 All right... I'm looking. 430 00:39:17,375 --> 00:39:19,416 Did you lock that? 431 00:39:24,209 --> 00:39:25,666 Matt! Matt! 432 00:39:25,834 --> 00:39:27,583 Where are you going? Matt! 433 00:39:29,459 --> 00:39:31,541 I'm coming! 434 00:39:32,834 --> 00:39:34,791 Weapons... Weapons... 435 00:39:36,834 --> 00:39:38,916 Matt! Matt! 436 00:39:39,084 --> 00:39:41,999 - What are you doing? - Give us a lighter! 437 00:39:42,167 --> 00:39:44,416 In me pocket... THE OTHER POCKET! 438 00:39:53,334 --> 00:39:56,749 Get back. If they can't see us, they'll forget we're in here. 439 00:39:56,917 --> 00:39:59,708 - That's optimistic, innit? - They are easily confused. 440 00:40:16,542 --> 00:40:20,291 NOW you decide to shoot someone, you fucking monkey's arse-ring. 441 00:40:20,459 --> 00:40:22,041 You had a gun all along? 442 00:40:24,167 --> 00:40:27,416 I was saving the last bullet for when I needed it. 443 00:40:27,584 --> 00:40:29,374 You're still a twat. 444 00:40:34,167 --> 00:40:37,083 Fuck, I think you've just sent out a party invite. 445 00:40:39,459 --> 00:40:41,958 Do they sell petrol in toy shops? 446 00:40:42,125 --> 00:40:43,583 No. 447 00:40:43,750 --> 00:40:46,833 It's Nitro Fluid for radio-controlled cars. 448 00:40:49,042 --> 00:40:50,999 Don't you know anything?! 449 00:40:51,167 --> 00:40:55,874 I know we need to be tooled up with something that wasn't made in Taiwan. 450 00:41:21,000 --> 00:41:23,541 Who taught you to drive? Let me have a go. 451 00:41:25,625 --> 00:41:27,041 Get off! 452 00:41:33,542 --> 00:41:35,333 Reverse. Reverse. Over here! 453 00:41:47,459 --> 00:41:50,416 Hello? Are we in there? 454 00:41:50,584 --> 00:41:53,999 - I take it you're in a toy shop. - Who's there? Is Neil there? 455 00:41:54,167 --> 00:41:56,416 No, just me, Mikey and the Milky Bar Kid. 456 00:41:56,584 --> 00:41:58,458 - My name's Gavin. - Whatever. 457 00:41:58,625 --> 00:42:01,666 The speed Neil was running, he's probably halfway home. 458 00:42:21,625 --> 00:42:25,999 # A thousand thundering thrills await me 459 00:42:26,167 --> 00:42:28,874 # Facing insurmountable odds, greatly # 460 00:42:29,042 --> 00:42:30,916 You're so sexy, do you know that? 461 00:42:31,084 --> 00:42:34,541 # The female of the species is more deadly... # 462 00:42:34,709 --> 00:42:38,333 Why don't we forget about all this? This finger food. 463 00:42:39,959 --> 00:42:42,041 That's a really lovely spread. 464 00:42:42,209 --> 00:42:45,333 But why don't we just take this upstairs, eh? 465 00:42:49,084 --> 00:42:51,124 We're both adults. 466 00:42:52,500 --> 00:42:54,374 I'm a man... 467 00:42:56,584 --> 00:42:59,083 You're a... 468 00:43:02,000 --> 00:43:03,874 You're a woman. 469 00:43:06,125 --> 00:43:09,499 This could be the start of something special - you and me... 470 00:43:10,542 --> 00:43:12,958 All you've gotta do... 471 00:43:14,000 --> 00:43:16,458 ...is... untie me, yeah? 472 00:43:21,125 --> 00:43:23,583 Just untie me, please. 473 00:43:41,417 --> 00:43:43,458 Come on, then. Come on! 474 00:43:46,542 --> 00:43:49,624 No, no, don't do that. No. 475 00:44:00,209 --> 00:44:04,374 Fear and panic are only chemicals within your body. 476 00:44:04,542 --> 00:44:08,499 Anxiety is nothing more than a chemical reaction. 477 00:44:08,667 --> 00:44:11,583 So, what's the plan? 478 00:44:12,584 --> 00:44:14,916 What do you mean what's the plan? 479 00:44:15,084 --> 00:44:17,333 The plan. What's the plan? 480 00:44:17,500 --> 00:44:20,416 - I haven't got one. What's yours? - I've got a plan. 481 00:44:20,584 --> 00:44:23,666 What's all this bollocks with the walkie-talkies, then? 482 00:44:23,834 --> 00:44:27,333 Just fancied a chat about something other than Star Wars. 483 00:44:27,500 --> 00:44:29,708 Oh... How is Matt? 484 00:44:34,250 --> 00:44:36,458 Yeah, the force is with him. 485 00:44:44,292 --> 00:44:46,333 - Oi! - What? 486 00:44:46,500 --> 00:44:48,083 I said I've got a plan. 487 00:44:49,750 --> 00:44:51,124 Go on, then. 488 00:44:51,292 --> 00:44:53,874 You're the double hard bastard. You do it. 489 00:44:54,042 --> 00:44:55,999 It's your plan, arsehole. 490 00:44:56,167 --> 00:44:58,291 You two are so gay! 491 00:45:04,792 --> 00:45:06,833 Your mum's an arsehole. 492 00:45:12,084 --> 00:45:14,416 The payload has been delivered. 493 00:45:14,584 --> 00:45:16,124 What? 494 00:45:16,292 --> 00:45:18,541 The head's in the truck, man. You ready? 495 00:45:28,000 --> 00:45:31,124 We're gonna need a diversion for our diversion. 496 00:45:31,292 --> 00:45:32,666 I'm on it. 497 00:45:44,042 --> 00:45:46,583 Come and get your meals on wheels. 498 00:46:32,209 --> 00:46:33,874 No! 499 00:46:49,584 --> 00:46:51,041 Fuck off! 500 00:46:53,000 --> 00:46:55,499 Do the horn. 501 00:46:58,000 --> 00:47:00,833 You're not getting the better of me. 502 00:47:06,750 --> 00:47:08,833 Turn it, you're gonna go out of range! 503 00:47:09,000 --> 00:47:11,333 I'm turning it. I'm turning it! 504 00:47:11,500 --> 00:47:13,708 Get off! 505 00:47:16,375 --> 00:47:18,166 Oh, f... No! 506 00:47:25,542 --> 00:47:28,083 - Oh, that's disgusting. - Fuckin' hell. 507 00:47:33,125 --> 00:47:35,291 Fucking thing! 508 00:47:41,750 --> 00:47:44,749 - How could things get any worse? - Mikey? 509 00:47:45,917 --> 00:47:48,958 - Yeah? - Mikey, they've spotted you. 510 00:47:57,167 --> 00:47:58,708 Great. 511 00:48:16,500 --> 00:48:18,416 Mm... Yum... 512 00:48:20,250 --> 00:48:22,583 Yum! 513 00:48:56,584 --> 00:48:59,208 Mikey? 514 00:48:59,375 --> 00:49:01,249 Mikey? 515 00:49:01,417 --> 00:49:03,249 Mikey! 516 00:49:03,417 --> 00:49:04,833 Fuck. 517 00:49:05,000 --> 00:49:07,624 - Come on. Let's go. - No, wait. Wait. 518 00:49:07,792 --> 00:49:10,791 I am not going out there half-cocked. 519 00:49:13,000 --> 00:49:15,208 Let's party. 520 00:49:16,625 --> 00:49:18,624 Where's mine? 521 00:49:19,334 --> 00:49:21,624 Well, there's only one. 522 00:49:23,167 --> 00:49:25,333 No, look, got a spare. 523 00:49:29,417 --> 00:49:30,874 No? 524 00:49:31,709 --> 00:49:33,958 All right, you can have my backup. 525 00:49:35,750 --> 00:49:37,333 What's this? 526 00:49:38,875 --> 00:49:41,124 I will make you feel sexy. 527 00:49:42,167 --> 00:49:43,666 Yeah! 528 00:49:44,250 --> 00:49:47,708 Right, then. Come on, Vince. Me and you - Butch and Sundance! 529 00:49:47,875 --> 00:49:50,666 - They both died. - Yeah! 530 00:49:50,834 --> 00:49:53,541 - Come on, you gimp. Let's go. - Yeah! 531 00:50:07,584 --> 00:50:10,291 Do your fire thing! Do the fire thing! 532 00:50:10,459 --> 00:50:11,833 Hurry up! 533 00:50:35,584 --> 00:50:37,041 Oh, shit! 534 00:51:31,000 --> 00:51:32,749 Ta. 535 00:51:37,000 --> 00:51:38,541 What do we do now? 536 00:51:38,709 --> 00:51:42,249 We do what everyone else does, when they're facing mortality. 537 00:51:42,417 --> 00:51:44,166 Run. 538 00:51:47,167 --> 00:51:50,999 Wait, wait. I bet you a tenner it's locked. 539 00:51:51,709 --> 00:51:52,708 Bollocks. 540 00:51:52,875 --> 00:51:54,541 You owe me tenner. 541 00:51:57,959 --> 00:52:00,083 Oh, my God. 542 00:52:10,209 --> 00:52:12,791 Look, look. 543 00:52:17,459 --> 00:52:20,791 Mikey? Neil? Is anyone there? 544 00:52:20,959 --> 00:52:26,124 - Where's the walkie-talkie? - Lads, can you hear me? 545 00:52:26,292 --> 00:52:30,041 Me and Matt, we're in the church but we've locked the doors. 546 00:52:30,209 --> 00:52:34,791 So if you get over here, please just let me know. Try and get over here. 547 00:52:41,667 --> 00:52:43,749 We have to get out of here. 548 00:52:43,917 --> 00:52:47,458 Let's follow your mates over to the church. It's our best chance. 549 00:52:47,625 --> 00:52:50,666 I think it's a bit late to start praying, don't you? 550 00:52:51,834 --> 00:52:54,791 You feeling all right, mate? 551 00:52:54,959 --> 00:52:57,458 I have just had a genius idea. 552 00:52:57,625 --> 00:53:02,374 - Is everyone ready? - You're loving this, aren't you? 553 00:53:02,542 --> 00:53:04,624 - Garry? - It's Gavin. 554 00:53:04,792 --> 00:53:06,916 Let's just get it over with. 555 00:53:10,625 --> 00:53:13,333 - What? - You've done this before, haven't you? 556 00:53:13,500 --> 00:53:16,916 - Don't get any funny ideas - Don't worry, he's not a lesbian. 557 00:53:17,084 --> 00:53:20,749 - Is this gonna work or what? - Let's try. 558 00:53:21,750 --> 00:53:24,083 Here she is! 559 00:53:49,417 --> 00:53:52,124 Vince, open the church door. 560 00:53:55,542 --> 00:53:57,166 Oh, fuck. 561 00:54:09,750 --> 00:54:12,541 - Fuckin' hell. - Come on, come on! 562 00:54:13,500 --> 00:54:16,333 No, no, no! Don't go in there! Don't go in there! 563 00:54:42,334 --> 00:54:44,291 Wait! That's my nine iron. 564 00:54:49,417 --> 00:54:50,874 Come on! 565 00:54:58,834 --> 00:55:02,374 - Oh, Christ, it's the ex. - Vince, we're outside. Open the door. 566 00:55:03,584 --> 00:55:06,124 Don't move, just keep smiling. 567 00:55:07,500 --> 00:55:09,416 Our clothes are in there! Shit! 568 00:55:11,750 --> 00:55:14,999 Oh, for fuck's sake, Julie. We split up, get over it! 569 00:55:19,875 --> 00:55:21,958 All right, gays... guys! 570 00:55:23,000 --> 00:55:26,874 - Where did you come from? - I took the scenic route. 571 00:55:28,167 --> 00:55:30,041 Come on. 572 00:55:32,250 --> 00:55:34,333 I hate you. I hate you. 573 00:55:35,625 --> 00:55:40,541 Why don't you just sit on me and get it over with, you fat fucking pig! 574 00:56:09,167 --> 00:56:11,249 Vince. 575 00:56:11,417 --> 00:56:15,249 - I really wanna go home. - OK. OK, let's go. 576 00:56:16,334 --> 00:56:18,249 Let's go home. 577 00:56:20,709 --> 00:56:24,291 Vince, are you taking piss? This isn't funny any more. 578 00:56:24,459 --> 00:56:26,791 - Let us in. - Hold on, we're coming. 579 00:56:28,292 --> 00:56:31,249 - Come on, hurry up! - What are they doing? 580 00:56:31,417 --> 00:56:34,374 - What are you doing... - What the fuck's this?! 581 00:56:34,542 --> 00:56:37,333 - Shh, don't laugh at me! - Neil! Neil! 582 00:56:37,500 --> 00:56:40,291 Where the fuck have you been? 583 00:56:44,875 --> 00:56:47,708 # She's dressed to kill Oh, what a thrill 584 00:56:47,875 --> 00:56:49,958 # Mess with her And you're bound to get ill 585 00:56:50,125 --> 00:56:52,749 # She'll chew you up and spit you out 586 00:56:52,917 --> 00:56:55,583 - # She'll leave a scar... - Hello, girls. 587 00:56:55,750 --> 00:56:59,083 ...# She knows what she likes... - Who's first? 588 00:56:59,250 --> 00:57:02,041 # She looks at me with those crazy eyes 589 00:57:02,209 --> 00:57:04,416 # Takes no time for me to realise 590 00:57:04,584 --> 00:57:06,874 # She's a wild-eyed crazy lady 591 00:57:07,042 --> 00:57:14,624 # Bad-ass crazy lady 592 00:57:19,959 --> 00:57:22,041 # Wild-eyed crazy lady 593 00:57:22,209 --> 00:57:24,249 # Bad-ass crazy lady 594 00:57:24,417 --> 00:57:27,833 - # Wild-eyed crazy lady... # - I'll call you. 595 00:57:28,000 --> 00:57:31,291 Show's over. Everyone get inside. 596 00:57:31,459 --> 00:57:34,499 - I don't think so. - Is that supposed to frighten me? 597 00:57:34,667 --> 00:57:38,124 - He said it would make me fell sexy. - Does it? 598 00:57:38,292 --> 00:57:40,333 A little bit, yeah. 599 00:57:44,584 --> 00:57:46,249 Oh, for God's sake! 600 00:57:46,417 --> 00:57:49,416 Can we leave this male posturing bullshit till later? 601 00:57:54,500 --> 00:57:57,291 Everyone get inside! 602 00:58:05,375 --> 00:58:08,874 I don't think I actually ever used that finger for anything. 603 00:58:09,917 --> 00:58:13,166 - There's nothing up here. - Come back, then. 604 00:58:13,334 --> 00:58:14,708 We're nearly there. 605 00:58:14,875 --> 00:58:17,333 - Ahh! - Oh, shut up, you girl. 606 00:58:18,209 --> 00:58:20,458 That's it. 607 00:58:20,625 --> 00:58:22,666 Talking of girls... 608 00:58:22,834 --> 00:58:25,833 There's not even a spare choir-boy outfit up there. 609 00:58:26,000 --> 00:58:28,666 Sit down, silly-bollocks, you look gorgeous. 610 00:58:28,834 --> 00:58:34,583 - I think that butcher took a shine to you. - Nah, she's not my type, that one. 611 00:58:34,750 --> 00:58:36,458 What about one of the others? 612 00:58:36,625 --> 00:58:39,874 - You would, wouldn't you? - Don't you ever have a day off? 613 00:58:40,042 --> 00:58:44,124 There were three kinky birds in that house. 614 00:58:44,292 --> 00:58:46,791 For second, I thought, you know... 615 00:58:46,959 --> 00:58:50,833 as long as they don't start with that sicking-up bollocks... 616 00:58:51,000 --> 00:58:53,499 The one with the, um, scissors is pretty fit. 617 00:58:53,667 --> 00:58:57,916 She'll have your bollocks for earrings before you've even bought her a drink. 618 00:58:58,084 --> 00:59:00,833 - I like the one with the axe. - She's married. 619 00:59:01,000 --> 00:59:04,374 I can't believe this! You people have no respect for women. 620 00:59:04,542 --> 00:59:08,791 Oh, come on, Graham. That's why you bat for the other side? 621 00:59:08,959 --> 00:59:11,291 All women are mental. 622 00:59:11,459 --> 00:59:15,958 You can't make that kind of sweeping generalisation about an entire gender. 623 00:59:16,125 --> 00:59:19,041 Why not? Look at us. 624 00:59:19,209 --> 00:59:23,416 Look at Vince. His glory days are over. His missus did that to him. 625 00:59:23,584 --> 00:59:27,458 He was king when he met her. She turned him into a fucking ghost. 626 00:59:27,625 --> 00:59:32,083 We brought him out here to convince him that all women aren't out to get him. 627 00:59:32,250 --> 00:59:34,124 Yeah, thanks for that, lads. 628 00:59:34,292 --> 00:59:36,624 It's all gone really fuckin' well, innit? 629 00:59:42,417 --> 00:59:45,166 - What are you looking for? - Yes. 630 00:59:45,334 --> 00:59:47,291 This. 631 00:59:47,459 --> 00:59:49,541 I've done it! 632 00:59:49,709 --> 00:59:51,583 Right. 633 00:59:56,625 --> 00:59:59,958 Wow, we've got the whole village under surveillance. 634 01:00:07,167 --> 01:00:09,833 Well, it's about time. 635 01:00:10,000 --> 01:00:12,624 You've been offline for nearly 24 hours. 636 01:00:12,792 --> 01:00:16,916 And why was my so-called escort called back to Moodley last night, 637 01:00:17,084 --> 01:00:20,333 and left me chained to the fucking briefcase? 638 01:00:20,500 --> 01:00:24,249 That's Meg Nut from the poster, look. 639 01:00:28,959 --> 01:00:31,041 Who are you? 640 01:00:33,167 --> 01:00:36,291 You're not involved with Project Cat-house. 641 01:00:36,459 --> 01:00:38,666 Where's the Colonel? 642 01:00:47,875 --> 01:00:50,499 - Get her back. - It's on fire. 643 01:00:56,292 --> 01:00:58,083 It's happening. 644 01:01:01,584 --> 01:01:03,333 - What's happening? - Phase II. 645 01:01:03,500 --> 01:01:07,333 Hold on a minute. What's Phase I? 646 01:01:07,500 --> 01:01:11,208 Sickness, disorientation, psychosis. 647 01:01:11,375 --> 01:01:13,374 Phase II is the mutation. 648 01:01:13,542 --> 01:01:17,708 They're gonna get smarter, faster and weirder. 649 01:01:41,167 --> 01:01:43,749 - What's that? - It's called The Dolphin. 650 01:01:43,917 --> 01:01:47,124 There are high-frequency sonic deterrents all over the village, 651 01:01:47,292 --> 01:01:49,583 emitting painful sound only women can hear. 652 01:01:49,750 --> 01:01:53,499 - So there was a fail-safe all along. - It only works after Phase II. 653 01:01:53,667 --> 01:01:56,916 - Obviously. - Well, stop talking and press the button. 654 01:02:09,834 --> 01:02:12,041 - Is it working? - I dunno. 655 01:02:13,084 --> 01:02:15,041 Can YOU hear it? 656 01:02:19,750 --> 01:02:21,958 Um, that doesn't work, does it? 657 01:02:22,125 --> 01:02:24,624 This isn't funny. They'll be relentless now. 658 01:02:24,792 --> 01:02:26,708 They hunt in packs. We are fucked! 659 01:02:26,875 --> 01:02:31,708 For the sake of clarity, we're not dealing with few insane women any more. 660 01:02:31,875 --> 01:02:34,208 What you boys have actually created here 661 01:02:34,375 --> 01:02:38,791 is an army of pissed off, man-hating, feminist cannibals. 662 01:02:38,959 --> 01:02:43,499 This biological weapon can turn one half of the population against the other. 663 01:02:43,667 --> 01:02:48,333 - We can fight wars with no armies. - So this is a test run? 664 01:02:48,500 --> 01:02:51,374 You set the virus loose in an isolated little village 665 01:02:51,542 --> 01:02:53,708 and then sit and watch it on the telly? 666 01:02:53,875 --> 01:02:57,291 They used to do this kind of thing in the '50s with LSD. 667 01:02:57,459 --> 01:03:00,791 Thanks, Matthew. What does Meg Nut have to do with this? 668 01:03:00,959 --> 01:03:05,749 - Not much. She's just a delivery girl. - Yeah. But delivering WHAT? 669 01:03:05,917 --> 01:03:09,208 How fucking stupid are you people? What do you think? 670 01:03:09,375 --> 01:03:11,458 A free box of Wundawash? 671 01:03:17,125 --> 01:03:21,249 The virus is in the washing powder, look. 672 01:03:21,417 --> 01:03:22,999 It's biological. 673 01:03:33,125 --> 01:03:34,833 Everybody, get back. 674 01:03:38,875 --> 01:03:42,666 - Leave her out of it. That's my nan. - I thought she was on a cruise. 675 01:03:42,834 --> 01:03:44,624 Yeah... So did I. 676 01:03:46,459 --> 01:03:48,583 Matt. Matt, no! 677 01:04:16,042 --> 01:04:18,541 You've, um... 678 01:04:19,667 --> 01:04:21,791 There's some stuff on your face. 679 01:04:28,959 --> 01:04:31,416 All right, Matt? 680 01:04:39,250 --> 01:04:41,291 Thank you. 681 01:04:43,084 --> 01:04:45,749 Don't go in there, Matt. It's the mortuary. 682 01:04:45,917 --> 01:04:47,833 I think he's traumatised. 683 01:04:48,000 --> 01:04:52,416 I'm the one who's fucking traumatised! Look what he did to my nan. 684 01:04:52,584 --> 01:04:54,749 Matt? Matt? 685 01:04:59,084 --> 01:05:00,916 Matt... 686 01:05:05,584 --> 01:05:08,666 Vince. Run, run! 687 01:05:18,000 --> 01:05:20,333 What's happened? 688 01:05:20,500 --> 01:05:22,291 Is he all right? 689 01:05:22,459 --> 01:05:24,458 No. 690 01:05:25,667 --> 01:05:28,249 So, where is he, then? 691 01:05:28,417 --> 01:05:30,958 He's dead. 692 01:06:13,000 --> 01:06:14,916 Come on! 693 01:06:30,417 --> 01:06:32,416 That's for Matt... 694 01:06:33,542 --> 01:06:35,583 ...bitch. 695 01:06:42,167 --> 01:06:44,249 Shit, shit... 696 01:06:46,084 --> 01:06:50,083 - Look at the state of him. - We can't just leave him here. 697 01:06:50,250 --> 01:06:53,374 What, in mortuary I'm sorry, I'm sorry. 698 01:06:54,834 --> 01:06:57,249 I'm just as freaked out as you are. 699 01:07:00,750 --> 01:07:02,624 What was that? 700 01:07:16,959 --> 01:07:20,208 Vince, don't go down there, that's how she got in. 701 01:07:23,709 --> 01:07:26,708 Yeah, and it might be our only way out. 702 01:07:33,584 --> 01:07:35,416 Ew... 703 01:08:12,542 --> 01:08:17,166 - It's the other half of Moodley. - Jesus, it's all the men. 704 01:08:17,334 --> 01:08:20,249 - You mean parts of them. - It's a nest. 705 01:08:27,042 --> 01:08:29,124 Come on, come on! 706 01:08:34,459 --> 01:08:36,624 - Get up, come on! - Get up! 707 01:08:49,542 --> 01:08:51,458 Get up the stairs! Come on! 708 01:08:55,667 --> 01:08:57,708 Vince, Vince! Come on! 709 01:08:57,875 --> 01:09:00,958 - Neil! Neil! - Close the door! 710 01:09:02,959 --> 01:09:05,999 Neil, give us a hand with this! 711 01:09:18,209 --> 01:09:20,333 Hurry up, will ya? 712 01:09:21,375 --> 01:09:23,999 Oi, what are you pair of tarts doing up there? 713 01:09:24,167 --> 01:09:27,291 Banksy, what time do you call this? 714 01:09:27,459 --> 01:09:30,083 You would not believe the shit day I've had. 715 01:09:31,959 --> 01:09:34,083 - What's going on? - Listen, soft-lad, 716 01:09:34,250 --> 01:09:38,708 outside Mikey's nan's house, there's a big ladder, go and bring it back here. 717 01:09:38,875 --> 01:09:40,708 What's with the... 718 01:09:40,875 --> 01:09:44,291 - Get the fucking ladder, soppy bollocks. - Hurry up. 719 01:09:44,459 --> 01:09:47,499 All right, all right, don't get all aggressive. 720 01:09:49,167 --> 01:09:51,541 Fuck, help me out! 721 01:09:51,709 --> 01:09:54,541 - Get your ass outside. - I think I'll stay a bit. 722 01:09:54,709 --> 01:09:58,083 Get your ass outside now. Go, fuck off. 723 01:09:59,125 --> 01:10:00,749 Pat, go on. 724 01:10:00,917 --> 01:10:02,999 - All right? - Vince? 725 01:10:03,167 --> 01:10:05,166 Hurry up! 726 01:10:06,500 --> 01:10:09,999 I can see your bikini line from here. What's with the frock? 727 01:10:11,917 --> 01:10:14,583 - What are you doing? - Vince said a get ladder. 728 01:10:14,750 --> 01:10:17,666 So we can get down, you plank, not so you can get up. 729 01:10:17,834 --> 01:10:20,583 - What's happening? - All the women have gone evil. 730 01:10:20,750 --> 01:10:24,374 One of them ate Neil's finger, Matt killed me nan with a nine iron 731 01:10:24,542 --> 01:10:28,333 and now he's dead, and we need to get down the sodding ladder. Down. 732 01:10:28,500 --> 01:10:30,708 You lot been taking drugs? 733 01:10:31,709 --> 01:10:35,041 - You got some left? - Get down, get down! 734 01:10:35,209 --> 01:10:36,999 Move, move! 735 01:10:45,125 --> 01:10:47,166 Go back up! 736 01:10:53,459 --> 01:10:55,208 We're alive! 737 01:10:56,917 --> 01:10:58,749 Let go! 738 01:11:02,084 --> 01:11:03,749 Who's the monster? 739 01:11:03,917 --> 01:11:06,583 - What are you still doing here? - Wishing I wasn't. 740 01:11:08,959 --> 01:11:11,791 - Come on! - Come on, Pat. Come here. 741 01:11:11,959 --> 01:11:14,958 - Come on, Pat. - Watch his leg! 742 01:11:17,834 --> 01:11:20,833 - Graham, come on, let's go. - You go. 743 01:11:21,000 --> 01:11:23,583 I'm right behind you. 744 01:11:44,834 --> 01:11:46,624 Fuck me. 745 01:11:50,250 --> 01:11:52,041 Fuckin' hell. 746 01:11:56,542 --> 01:11:59,583 This is worse than the fucking Pamplona Bull Run. 747 01:12:03,250 --> 01:12:05,249 Fuckin' hell! 748 01:12:29,834 --> 01:12:31,458 Jesus! 749 01:12:33,167 --> 01:12:36,624 - Get the ladder. Get the ladder. - What's this one? 750 01:12:42,667 --> 01:12:44,333 Come on! 751 01:12:51,500 --> 01:12:53,499 - Come on! - Vince, Vince... 752 01:13:03,792 --> 01:13:06,624 - Banksy, give us your phone. - I left it at home. 753 01:13:06,792 --> 01:13:09,208 Right, of course, yeah... 754 01:13:09,375 --> 01:13:11,041 Where are you parked, then? 755 01:13:11,209 --> 01:13:13,958 Behind the big billboard lying across the street. 756 01:13:22,625 --> 01:13:24,708 What's that? 757 01:13:24,875 --> 01:13:27,916 - It's a rental. - It's a rental? 758 01:13:29,875 --> 01:13:32,499 What do you mean it's a rental? Where's your van? 759 01:13:32,667 --> 01:13:34,749 - It broke down, I forgot. - You forgot? 760 01:13:34,917 --> 01:13:37,374 Repeating everything I say ain't gonna help, Vince. 761 01:13:37,542 --> 01:13:40,208 What's not gonna help is that fuckin' moon buggy. 762 01:13:40,375 --> 01:13:43,208 Maybe we can squeeze in. I'll sit on someone's lap. 763 01:13:43,375 --> 01:13:47,999 Shut up. Forget it, it's too small. Why did you even get here? 764 01:13:48,167 --> 01:13:51,249 - What are you trying to say? - This trip was bad a idea. 765 01:13:51,417 --> 01:13:53,333 No... really 766 01:13:53,500 --> 01:13:57,708 - It could be worse. - It could be worse? 767 01:13:57,875 --> 01:14:01,333 How many fingers am I holding up? They're fucking eating us! 768 01:14:01,500 --> 01:14:05,208 - How can it get any worse? - Can everyone shut the fuck up? 769 01:14:05,375 --> 01:14:10,833 Cracking skulls open with a nine iron is not my idea of golfing holiday! 770 01:14:11,000 --> 01:14:14,791 But this is not Mikey's fault, and it's not Banksy's. 771 01:14:14,959 --> 01:14:17,624 I'm sure as fucking shit, it's not mine either. 772 01:14:18,750 --> 01:14:20,749 Relax... Relax... 773 01:14:21,667 --> 01:14:26,999 Now, we all need to work together to facilitate some kind of positive - 774 01:14:27,167 --> 01:14:31,416 and I mean POSITIVE escape scenario, 'cause I'm not dying in this shit hole! 775 01:14:47,792 --> 01:14:52,041 There's nothing wrong with you that can't be fixed with a smile. 776 01:14:54,417 --> 01:14:56,499 Get on the bus. 777 01:14:59,125 --> 01:15:00,916 Come on! 778 01:15:02,167 --> 01:15:04,041 Ruth! 779 01:15:14,584 --> 01:15:32,749 Banksy! 780 01:15:39,042 --> 01:15:41,958 Come on! I've had enough of standing here! 781 01:15:42,125 --> 01:15:45,249 I'll fuckin stick it in ya! I'll fucking stick it in ya! 782 01:15:45,417 --> 01:15:47,458 Get in the fucking bus! 783 01:15:47,625 --> 01:15:50,249 I'm fucking sick of it! Fuck! 784 01:15:51,250 --> 01:15:53,458 Come on, Vince, let's go! Let's go! 785 01:15:57,459 --> 01:16:01,124 - What are you doing? - I'm having a mid-life crisis. 786 01:16:03,167 --> 01:16:05,416 What, now? Can't it wait? 787 01:16:05,584 --> 01:16:06,999 No. 788 01:16:07,167 --> 01:16:09,624 Well, it's about fucking time. 789 01:16:12,459 --> 01:16:14,833 Anyone seen me lighter? 790 01:16:15,000 --> 01:16:17,208 Where's me lighter? 791 01:16:20,000 --> 01:16:23,041 Oi, look after it next time, yeah? 792 01:16:28,042 --> 01:16:32,416 You know, I always thought you two were completely fucking useless. 793 01:16:32,584 --> 01:16:36,124 You - you just follow your dick like it's a fucking compass. 794 01:16:36,292 --> 01:16:40,333 And you - you're letting your marriage slip through your fucking fingers. 795 01:16:40,500 --> 01:16:42,916 Neither of you know anything about women. 796 01:16:43,084 --> 01:16:47,291 - So why are you two still fuckin' alive? - We're not gonna be for much longer, 797 01:16:47,459 --> 01:16:50,374 if you don't stop yapping and get us out of here! 798 01:16:52,667 --> 01:16:58,749 The rest of us, we try to do everything by the book - and we get shafted. 799 01:16:58,917 --> 01:17:01,416 We try to be what they want us to be. 800 01:17:01,584 --> 01:17:08,208 You know, we become reliable, mature, domesticated. 801 01:17:09,375 --> 01:17:11,583 And then what happens? 802 01:17:11,750 --> 01:17:14,874 They get bored - that's what happens. 803 01:17:18,667 --> 01:17:23,499 If all women really want is pet, why don't they buy a fucking Labrador? 804 01:17:26,667 --> 01:17:30,833 I've had enough, being told to sit, and lie down, 805 01:17:31,000 --> 01:17:33,874 and roll over, and play dead. 806 01:17:41,542 --> 01:17:45,833 From now on, what you see is what you get. 807 01:17:50,667 --> 01:17:52,333 For fuck's sake! 808 01:17:52,500 --> 01:17:55,249 Vince, you do know the road's blocked. 809 01:17:55,417 --> 01:17:59,583 Bollocks to the roadblock. I've been living by the highway code all my life. 810 01:17:59,750 --> 01:18:03,374 Where did it get me? A one-way ticket to Moodley. 811 01:18:03,542 --> 01:18:07,708 Buckle up, lads. We're going off road. 812 01:18:12,834 --> 01:18:14,999 Whoo! 813 01:18:25,584 --> 01:18:29,124 Vince, watch out for the old biddy. 814 01:18:30,667 --> 01:18:32,708 Whoa, easy, easy! 815 01:18:42,334 --> 01:18:44,166 Oh, my God! 816 01:18:50,750 --> 01:18:52,708 What was that? 817 01:18:52,875 --> 01:18:54,916 Fat bird. 818 01:18:56,292 --> 01:18:58,541 Slow down, Vince. Slow down. 819 01:19:31,625 --> 01:19:33,666 Hello, hello... 820 01:19:39,084 --> 01:19:41,166 Hello? Is anybody there? 821 01:19:41,334 --> 01:19:44,666 Graham, we thought you got squashed. Where are you? 822 01:19:44,834 --> 01:19:48,041 In the nest with the stiffs. 823 01:19:48,209 --> 01:19:50,291 Where are you? 824 01:19:51,834 --> 01:19:53,791 Coming to get you, silly twat. 825 01:19:56,000 --> 01:19:57,958 Let's do it. 826 01:20:09,167 --> 01:20:11,583 Ew... 827 01:20:57,459 --> 01:20:59,583 Who's your favourite Spice Girl? 828 01:21:01,959 --> 01:21:06,416 Here's the plan. We're gonna go down there, get Graham, 829 01:21:06,584 --> 01:21:09,833 piss off to the nearest pub, somewhere much nicer than this, 830 01:21:10,000 --> 01:21:15,249 have a little bit of lunch and then get absolutely shit-faced. Any questions? 831 01:21:15,417 --> 01:21:16,999 Yeah. 832 01:21:17,292 --> 01:21:21,291 You do realise that we're slightly outnumbered, right? 833 01:21:21,459 --> 01:21:23,666 Pass one of them golf clubs. 834 01:21:23,834 --> 01:21:26,791 No, give me a wood. 835 01:21:26,959 --> 01:21:29,041 Give him wood as well. 836 01:21:39,834 --> 01:21:43,291 Right. We're outnumbered, and outgunned. 837 01:21:43,459 --> 01:21:45,666 But I've got the hump. 838 01:21:45,834 --> 01:21:49,999 So we're gonna go down there in a very ungentlemanly fashion 839 01:21:50,167 --> 01:21:53,374 and... present company excepted, of course, 840 01:21:53,542 --> 01:21:57,833 bash the living shit out of anything in a dress. 841 01:21:58,000 --> 01:22:00,124 Bloody hell, Vince... 842 01:22:01,792 --> 01:22:03,833 ...not very PC is it? 843 01:22:24,417 --> 01:22:25,541 Come on. 844 01:22:31,125 --> 01:22:32,958 Let's have it! 845 01:22:45,167 --> 01:22:46,833 Now what? 846 01:22:52,834 --> 01:22:55,208 Oi, oi! 847 01:22:56,209 --> 01:22:58,333 You all right? 848 01:23:00,292 --> 01:23:02,291 I've got it working. 849 01:23:02,459 --> 01:23:04,416 Let me see that, let me see that. 850 01:23:27,500 --> 01:23:28,833 Ahh! 851 01:23:35,125 --> 01:23:38,374 Remote-controlled women. 852 01:23:38,542 --> 01:23:41,624 - Do it again, Neil! - Oh, my word! 853 01:23:45,709 --> 01:23:47,249 Take that. 854 01:23:48,250 --> 01:23:49,791 Get in there, Graham. 855 01:23:59,292 --> 01:24:01,374 Be careful, Neil. 856 01:24:05,209 --> 01:24:06,916 Whoa! 857 01:24:09,125 --> 01:24:12,124 Oh, I'm lovin' this. Absolutely lovin' it. 858 01:24:12,292 --> 01:24:15,416 Lovely little thing, ain't you, sweetheart, eh? 859 01:24:16,792 --> 01:24:18,791 Whoa, whoa! 860 01:24:21,500 --> 01:24:24,833 Vince, you got to have a bang on this, mate. Just have a bang! 861 01:24:25,000 --> 01:24:29,166 Bollocks! 862 01:24:34,000 --> 01:24:35,541 Go! 60987

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