Original subtitles

Right from the start it was good. In the beginning, it was really good.

When it first started, we....

First started seeing each other, first started going out together...

...just the two of us, doing things.

Well, it always is.

-Isn't it always that way? -Isn't it?

-Christ. The energy we had. -The fun we had.

The times we spent.

-Doing nothing sometimes. -Doing everything.

-It didn't matter what we were doing. -Doing anything.

-It was just so good. -It was like a drug.

Every day, just walking around...

...whatever I was doing, the whole world was beautiful.

Everything made sense. Everything that didn't make sense before...

-...all of a sudden.... -It was like being alive again.

It was like I'd been dead and nobody had told me, and now I was alive again.

Hope, I guess. That's what it was.

Belief.

Believing in everything again, you know?

I even liked the way I looked. I stopped checking the scale.

-I stopped smoking. I stopped smoking. -I stopped punishing myself.

-I felt good about myself. -I felt like I could do anything.

I used to get so excited I would shake.

Every time I knew I was going to see him...

...there was, like, this electricity coming out of me.

You know, people would say:

"What's going on with you? You look great. What've you been doing?"

-I was on a roll. -I was strong.

I was relaxed. I was like a pig in shit.

-Everything came together suddenly. -All the loose ends.

-All the fear. All the anxiety. -Sometimes--

Sometimes you don't even know you're in pain until it goes away.

And then the relief.

-The joy. -Well....

-The first time I saw him.... -I laid eyes on her....

-I knew. -Right away.

-This was it. -Really it.

When it starts that good, there's no place to go except bad.

-Why do you have to be so difficult? -Because I want to know.

-Bullshit! -What are we doing?

What we're doing? What we're doing? What you're doing is leaving, going. Go!

-I'm not going. -Go.

-We're supposed to be talking. -We are talking.

-No, we're not talking! We're not talking. -Oh, okay, then. We'll talk.

We'll talk.

Talk. Talk.

Talk!

Go on.

-You really make me sick. -Well, thank you very much.

If I eat, I wanna throw up. If I don't eat, I get a headache.

If I sleep, I have nightmares. If I don't sleep, I get depressed.

I can't move.

I'm stuck on a chair just going over every word...

...and it just makes me even sicker.

-This is your idea of a conversation? -I'm trying!

Look, I have 57 vegetables waiting to have their picture taken in the morning.

-I work too. -Right.

-Teaching, it's very hard work. -Sure.

-That's it, I'm taking that class tomorrow. -What, aerobics?

No, Flaubert and the Domestic Enslavement of Women.

Or, Does a Person with a Penis Have to Be a Dickhead?

Christ, that's perfect. You should pass.

That's right.

Shut up!

Can you turn around and drop me where you found me?

I mean, as soon as this damn traffic starts moving.

-I'm sorry. I am. -Me too. Yeah.

-I didn't mean it. -No, me either.

-It's just.... -I know.

-Sometimes.... -I know.

I think we should stop seeing each other.

I mean, what is it, two years?

Two and a half years.

What's the point?

Two and a half years. What have we been doing?

I don't know anymore.

I don't know what to do, okay?

Try.

We're supposed to try.

I mean, we are supposed to make at least some kind of an effort.

Something goes wrong, you walk out the door. What is that?

I don't wanna see you anymore either, but I see you.

Who says we want what we think we want? You know?

We want what we think we're supposed to want, things books tell us to want...

...and the movies. That's what I wanted.

Happy. Happy, happy, happy. Shit like that, okay?

We didn't get that.

That's the end of that. It's not the end of us.

It's the end of a dream.

You wake up in the morning and the dream is over. So what?

I'm still here. You're still here. We're still here.

Okay?

Yeah.

So maybe we should--

Maybe we should just not see each other anymore.

That's what I said.

She doesn't want you to call. If she wanted to talk, she would call you.

What am I gonna say? Hello? Hello is good.

Hi, it's me.

Hello, it's me.

Hi, Monica, it's me, Steve. Jesus.

Hey.

Hi, remember me?

Oh, Christ, just....

Just do it. All right?

I was in the neighborhood, I thought I'd drop in and say hi...

...but I thought I should call first.

You know, check if you're in, if it's okay, that you haven't got anybody...

...with you or anything, that you're by yourself.

I don't know.

Yeah, I've been going out a lot lately, yeah.

Yeah. No, actually I've been-- No.

I've been going out a lot lately. I'm working, working.

Going out. Working.

I've been going out a lot lately and I've been working.

I've been seeing lots of women.

Monica. Okay.

Yeah, it's that time of year again.

I'm photographing lima beans.

Yeah, they're beautiful.

Well, why don't you call me, for fuck's sake?

Hey, you wanna go out?

I don't know, we could go to a restaurant...

...go to a movie, eat something. I don't know.

Go out. Out, out, you know, out. Okay?

I'd like to see you.

Yeah. Yeah, it'd be nice to see you. Don't you think?

Wouldn't it?

Yeah?

Yeah, yeah.

I don't know. I don't know, I just-- Just to see you, you know? Tonight.

No, no, I just-- No.

I mean, just see you, okay?

No, I just--

Yeah.

Look, I know we're not supposed to see each other. I know what we said. Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay, but--

I'm not forcing you. Okay? I'm not forcing you.

How could I force you?

I'm just saying--

I'm saying--

Look, I'm saying-- I'm saying-- I've said it. I've said it. I--

Yeah.

Yeah.

All right. All right.

Jesus. All right. Now, look...

...I'm sorry I called, okay? Don't worry about it.

No, no.

No, no.

No, it's not important.

Okay?

I told you.

I told you why I called, okay? I'm not gonna tell you again.

All right? It's not important. Okay?

Go back to whatever you're doing. It's fine.

Okay, yeah.

Bye.

Yeah.

Bye.

I called you because I wanted to see you!

Don't move.

Don't move.

Come on, please, please. Please don't move.

Stay, stay, stay.

-Your leg. -What?

-Your leg. -What leg?

-This one. -I can't feel it. Where is it?

Here.

Is that my leg?

Yes, that's your leg.

Jesus, my whole body. What do you do to me?

Drugs.

-We didn't do any drugs, did we? -No.

-Did we have a lot to drink? -We didn't have anything to drink.

At dinner?

-We didn't go to dinner. -I thought we were going to dinner.

We didn't make it.

Then all this...?

You mean, all this is just from the sex?

-We must've been really horny. -Yeah, I guess so.

It's amazing, isn't it?

Everything else is falling apart. I mean, with us.

And the sex is getting better.

I don't wanna talk about it, all right?

In the beginning, it was really terrible.

I mean, the sex.

-Do you remember how bad it was? -No.

Fucking amateurs. I thought we'd never get it right.

Okay. I will just make an observation. As the relationship has deteriorated...

-I got it. I got it. -...we fuck like monkeys.

Where do you wanna eat?

What?

I thought we were going to dinner.

-Now? -Yeah, now. It's not that late.

It's not-- It's not that it's late. I--

-I'm starving, honey. Aren't you hungry? -Yeah, I could eat.

-I don't know. -Well?

What's the problem? I thought when you called...

...you said you wanted to go to dinner.

But that was before.

-Before what? -Before this.

Yeah.

But we would have ended up in bed anyway.

Now it's out of the way, it's better.

Takes the pressure off the rest of the evening.

Why do you say things like that?

-Like what? -"Takes the pressure off."

What does that mean?

I don't know.

I thought you were...

-...ecstatically happy to see me. -And I was. I am.

So?

-So, what? -So maybe that means something.

Would you pass me that bowl, please? Thank you.

Like maybe we should be seeing each other again.

-Well.... -Yeah.

-I thought we were breaking up. -Well....

What do you think?

I know we shouldn't be talking about it like it was a trip to the dentist.

-I said it was good. -Something to get out of the way.

I didn't mean it like that and you know it.

-Then why did you say it like that? -Because.

What?

When we were going out to dinner or something...

...it was always better if we, you know, had sex before we went out.

For me, it was better.

Why?

I don't know. I just always had a better time.

-In bed? -No.

At dinner or wherever we went after.

I don't get it.

It's not important.

You know, you really gotta let me buy the wine.

Didn't I leave a half a dozen bottles of Napa here?

The cab sauv? What happened to them?

Okay, bad question. I hope he enjoyed them.

To you, mi querida.

So you mean whatever we were doing...

...you were thinking about whether or not we were gonna go to bed later?

It wasn't the only thing on my mind, okay?

Hey, I'm not a nymphomaniac.

It had nothing to do with the sex.

I wasn't worried about whether I was gonna get laid or not.

I was just worried about....

What?

I don't know.

You. Us, I guess.

How you felt maybe. It made me nervous.

And then if we made love, everything was okay.

I guess I thought that it meant that you loved me. That's all.

And then I could just relax. I could just be myself.

We were having a good time just because we were good together...

...not because we were desperate or horny.

I guess I thought it meant there was a reason for us to be together.

I didn't know you felt like that.

No, I guess you didn't.

You put the carrots in the pasta?

Monica.

-Jesus Christ, what are you doing? -So you wanna go to dinner or not?

Look, it is not my fault if you cannot cook. Not my fault.

-I know you are an insensitive bastard. -Insensitive?

-You wanna know what I don't get? -Get the hell out of here.

If you don't like me, why--?

-You invited me back. -Stop calling me and sending messages.

-What do you mean? I have not. -I know it's you.

-Must be one of your other boyfriends. -Who else would do something like that?

-Stay away from me. You are an abuser. -I'm a what? I'm a what?

-Oh, my God! -You abuse me mentally.

-Stay the hell away from me. -You're the one that abuses.

-It's not me. I'm going. I'm gone. -Stay out of my life.

-Get it into your head. It's over. -I'm going. I'm going.

-Leave me alone. Get out of my life. -Fine!

Hi. Are you surprised? Are you?

So am I. I'm surprised at myself.

Steve...

...I miss you. I do.

Well, six weeks...

...is a long time. No sex, I mean, six.

My phone, Darren.

Say what again? I miss you? Okay.

I miss you. Okay? Are you happy now? Okay.

You don't have to do that.

You don't have to say it just because I said it. I mean, I didn't say it so--

You do?

That's nice.

Because.

I hate not seeing you.

I feel more comfortable on the phone.

We do better on the phone. Have you noticed that? We do.

We're nicer to each other.

And if we were on the phone and one of us was out of town, it was even better.

Look, if you were in Australia right now, I'd ask you to marry me.

Stop that. Don't be dirty.

Stop it.

Steve...

...I've been thinking.

You know, there used to be reasons for people to be together, to stay together...

...like stability and security and even kids.

But you see, I don't need you for these reasons...

...nowadays. I mean, I can get all this on my own if I wanted to.

So if there are no real reasons for two people to be together...

...then you're into unreal reasons, fantastic things.

Like happiness and...

...good company and comfort and understanding...

...and emotional support.

God, you wouldn't ask that much from a saint.

So you look at this person that you have this relationship with, and you think:

"What the heck is he good for anyway?"

I hate being without you.

I hate it.

It's not right.

Can't we do something about it?

I can't take it.

I can't.

Please.

Steve, what are you doing?

-Nothing. -What?

-Go back to sleep. -Are you all right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yes, I am.

-Go back to sleep. -Why don't you turn on the light?

I don't need a light.

-You're gonna break your neck. -I can see.

-What are you doing? -I'm looking for my shoes.

-You're dressed. -I can't find them anywhere.

You're all dressed.

I must have taken them off in the other room.

-Where are you going? -I gotta go.

-Where? -I gotta get home.

Why?

It's late.

-Come on, let's go back to bed. -Look, look, look, I woke you. I'm sorry.

-You woke me? -Yeah.

What were you going to do? Just leave?

Yeah.

What is going on?

-Nothing. -Nothing?

-Nothing. -What happened?

Nothing.

-Well, why are you leaving? -I gotta get up.

-Besides that. -No besides. I gotta get up.

I gotta get up. I gotta get up.

Everybody's gotta get up, Steve. I gotta get up. You gotta get up.

The whole world's gotta get up. That's another problem.

We can talk about that one some other time.

-I'm going crazy. -See, that's different.

I thought it was your everyday, garden-variety, existential crisis.

But crazy is different.

I'll call you tomorrow.

-All right, what is it this time? -What?

-What did I do? Did I do something? -No. Why do you think that?

Because I always do something.

No, nothing. You didn't do anything, okay?

Look, I don't mind. Really.

I mean, we're not even seeing each other anymore...

...so it doesn't matter really.

But just as a favor, just this once, since it makes no difference...

...could you not disappear in the middle of the night like a thief?

Like you suddenly realized you're at the wrong place, like you made...

...this horrible mistake and gotta get out before the police get here.

So I don't have to worry...

...that I upset you or disappointed you or hurt you...

...or drooled all over you.

Just this once, I'd like to get laid and get a good night's sleep, okay?

What do you say? For old times' sake.

Come on, we'll go to sleep. We'll wake up in the morning.

I'll make you some coffee. We'll read the paper.

You never disappointed me.

I didn't?

No.

That's what I thought.

No, no, no.

I was afraid.

I used to wake up....

I'd fall asleep and then I'd be wide awake, and I just had to get out of here.

-Why? -Not because it was bad, okay?

But because being here with you...

...everything else was far away, just gone.

Me and my life, and every day what I do and who I am.

I was losing that here. I'd wake up and I'd think, "It's gone.

I'm gone."

I've gotta get back to see if it's still there.

To see if I'm still there.

Because here....

I don't know who I am here.

I get lost here.

-Is that such a bad thing? -No, it's not that it's bad. All right?

It's not that it's good or bad. It just takes over.

-It changes everything. -It's supposed to change everything.

Yeah.

-Love, right? -Right.

But suppose it doesn't last.

I gotta hang on to what I have besides this, to who I am away from this.

Because...

...if this isn't gonna last, and this is all I have, and it doesn't last...

...who am I?

What are you so afraid of now?

I'm afraid that I won't...

...ever love anybody as much as I love you.

I can't.

I just can't, okay?

I gotta go.

It'll be okay, you know?

I was looking for my shirt. I can't find it. Can you get it to me?

Or I'll come and get it or something.

Shit.

So how have you been?

I've been great, yeah. No, terrific.

It was funny seeing you like that after all this time.

Yeah, and in that restaurant.

-We were just looking for a place to eat-- -Us too.

And then, I don't know, there we were.

Yeah, turned around, and there you were.

-She was cute. -What?

-What's her name? Yeah, Muffy. -Right, she's a friend, you know?

-She seemed really nice. -Yeah. Yeah.

-So is it serious? -Well, kind of, you know--

It's none of my business, I was just curious.

Off and on, on and off, you know?

And other women, like, you know, yeah.

-I've been enjoying myself, you know? -Anyway, it was nice seeing you.

Who, me? Him?

Oh, no. No, no, not serious.

Well, actually...

-...I don't know. -What?

He goes to the gym a lot.

-It shows, doesn't it? -Yeah.

About three times a week, and aerobics every day in between.

Vitamins.

Are you joking? This guy has a separate suitcase for them. Minerals...

...amino acids, antioxidants, you name it.

When I first started going out with him, I thought he was on drugs.

He kept popping these things into his mouth. I thought he was a junkie.

It turns out it was bran.

Yeah, you heard right, bran.

There isn't a part of his body...

...that somebody doesn't do something to at least once a day.

He has this schedule, you know. So even if he wanted to work...

-...he doesn't have any time. -Really?

Oh, he's got money. He keeps going to Switzerland...

...to check on some buildings and get his blood changed.

And then he goes to this doctor...

...who shoots him up with vitamin C.

Oh, my God, Steve, I went with him once. He plugs in an IV...

...and then starts playing the piano and talking...

...about Kant and Doekovsky...

-...and Van Bankin. Hello! -Yeah, really?

It's funny, he has everything done to him. Facials...

...manicures, pedicures, high colonics. You know what that is?

You don't wanna know.

You're on fire. You're so hot.

I shouldn't be saying all this. It's not fair.

Because I like him. I do.

I can see what he's doing. He's fighting. He's fighting hard.

Growing old, he's fighting it.

And when we're together, just the two of us....

I don't know, he holds on. He likes life.

He wants it. He fights for it.

He's selfish. Dishonest. I think he lies to me.

He's not very bright. He's sort of funny-looking.

But he loves life.

It's sort of amazing in this day and age.

And it's contagious to be with somebody like that, who just loves living so much.

Yes.

Isn't it amazing?

It's amazing!

It's amazing! He loves life.

Isn't it?

Isn't it?

Steve?

More!

-Yes. -Steve?

Steve?

I wanna get married.

-What? -I wanna get married.

-Well.... -Yeah, I do.

Okay.

-I do. -Well, if you do, you do.

I do.

-When? -Right away.

-Really? -Yeah, yeah.

Before I change my mind, you know? I think it's the right thing.

I've thought about it, and that's what I think.

What do you think?

-What does she think? -Who?

No, I don't know. I haven't told her.

-I'm telling you. -Thanks.

You.

I mean you.

-You wanna get married to me? -Yes.

-You want us to get married? -Yes.

-You and me? -Yeah.

It's not gonna work with her, you know? I can see that.

I mean, it's working. It's working, but it's not gonna work, you know?

-Jesus. -Maybe I should start this again.

-You wanna get married to me? -Yes. Yes.

No, no, no, look.

I'm working at it. Okay?

I'm trying. I've been trying. Honest to God.

And I'm doing okay, better than I've ever done before.

Better than with you. I'm patient, I'm not pushing, I'm not crazy.

I see things the way they are. She is what she is.

She's not who I think she is, she's not who I want her to be.

We don't fight. We don't argue.

We tell the truth. I think we tell the truth.

It sounds like we're telling the truth. We share, you know? We share all of it.

You know? It's very understanding, very easy like that.

So fucking dull.

I need some air.

I'm not complaining. It's not like I'm complaining.

If that's what it has to be, I understand all that.

We could never make anything work with the ups and downs, so why not try dull?

Maybe dull will last.

But, as dull as it is, it's going in the same direction.

A couple words here, couple looks, wrong moves and bang...

...the honeymoon's over. Then you break up...

...and find somebody else and start all over again.

I can't do that.

I did it with you. I--

I can't do it with somebody else.

It could take years. All that time to get someplace with her...

...that I'm already at with you? And then it hit me. It hit me.

We can't quit, you and me. We have something.

We can't just throw it away.

You know, okay, I admit, it's a failure, but it's ours.

You know? It's not the end. That's too easy. It's the place to start from.

It's two and a half years of our lives. It's an investment.

You know? All that pain to get to zero?

Okay, well, now we're here. You know, we've got nothing.

Nothing works. We're finished. Total. Complete.

Everything that we had is gone. We haven't got a hope...

...we haven't got a prayer, haven't got a chance.

That's it. I really-- I really think we should get married.

I'm not doing anything Thursday. Wanna get married on Thursday?

-Don't do that. -What?

-Don't make jokes. -Well....

Monica. Monica!

This isn't easy.

Do you think this is easy for me? Come on, this is important, all right?

People are living real lives with serious problems...

...and we're still running around like we're teenagers.

She loves me. She loves me not. I love her. I mean, who gives a fuck, all right?

I want this over with. I want it out of the way. Final. Total. Complete.

Married. The two of us.

So we can stop wasting all this time and do something with our lives.

-That's one way to look at it. -The only way.

-Yeah, what about divorce? People-- -No, no. No. No divorce.

No question of divorce. Divorce is out.

-Then we should get married in Iran. -Yes. Fine. Good.

But I would have to spend the rest of my life wearing a veil.

Only in the street. They take them off in the house.

-Oh, well.... -No, Iran is good. Iran is the answer.

At least there, these things mean something.

Oh, I don't know.

-I think men still fool around in Iran. -Oh, no. No fooling around.

-Penalty of death. Yeah. -Really?

Yeah, you fool around, they chop off your dick.

Don't laugh.

You make me crazy when you laugh.

God, you're so beautiful.

And I miss you. We tried this breaking up shit and it just doesn't work.

Marry me.

Please.

-You know something? -What?

Honestly...

-...it doesn't sound so bad. -No, it's not.

It's the right thing. It's the way it should be.

-Except-- -No, don't "except." I know I'm right.

-All right, suppose we do this. -Good.

-We make this commitment. -Right.

-Till death do us part. -Absolutely.

-What happens if--? -It won't.

-Just-- What happens if--? -It's not gonna happen.

-You're not listening to me. -I don't have to. Why should I listen?

I know I'm right, and when I'm right, I'm really, really right. Okay?

So...

...just...

...stop talking...

...and say yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Hi, my name is Monica, and this is my boyfriend, Steve.

We're getting married soon, and we're just going around asking people...

...what is it that we can do to make it last?

-What keeps you together? -Honesty.

-Friendship. -Love.

-Trust. -Good sex.

-You have a body-- -Good sex.

What do you think you really need in a marriage?

I think you need to love your partner.

And good sex.

I don't think you can make a recipe. It doesn't work.

-A very treacherous institution. -Treacherous?

The word "love" itself is, again, a myth.

That's why we're asking people. Because it's too confusing.

The secret to a good marriage is patience and understanding.

Now, if you wanna go the other way--

What would be the thing that would immediately break up a relationship?

Not communicating.

-Jealousy. -Lying.

-Are you married? -No, not yet.

-Do you shave yet? -No.

One person can't possibly give you everything that you need and want.

-How long have you been engaged? -Two years.

I'm not waiting that long.

Two spirits meet--

Starts off heavy in love. I don't say that you grow.

And grow and grow and grow.

See, that's what I say.

My wife left me for one of my best friends who she used to hate.

He used to repulse her. And one day, he's the love of her life.

We wanna get married and have babies. Do you think that's a good idea?

Why?

Do you think I should dump him?

Dump him in the garbage.

-Dump me in the garbage? -Dump him in the garbage?

Einstein.

Theory of relativity.

Do you understand it?

Of course not. Nobody does. Nobody did. Especially then...

...beginning of the century. It was scary.

All people could think was, no more straight lines, no more right angles.

No more absolute time. Motion was curved.

What does that mean?

-I don't know. -Right.

Something happened to the world, and nobody understood it.

It was confusing, and people started jumping to conclusions.

There are no more absolutes.

Time, space, good, evil. The things we know...

...the things we believe in, the things we see.

We thought we understood these things, but maybe we don't.

Maybe they're all relative. Do you follow that?

-You got the Real Estate section? -Einstein was going crazy.

This is not what he meant, but that's the way most people understood it.

Moving day.

You think you have free will.

You make decisions, you make things happen.

According to Marx, these are just behavior, superficial behavior.

Underneath this behavior, there are patterns determining our destiny.

And here's the killer:

We have no control over them. It doesn't matter what we do...

...it makes no difference to the path of history.

Wanna take a beach house this summer?

-Can we afford it? -No.

But after the wedding, if we don't take a honeymoon....

No honeymoon?

Okay. Are you planning on doing anything today?

At the same time that everybody's reeling...

...who comes along? Sigmund Freud.

Things weren't bad enough, right? Now all of a sudden, we were repressed.

On top of everything else, guilty.

Whenever we did anything, it was for the wrong reasons.

And what we're really doing, we're not responsible for.

-Don't you think you're oversimplifying? -Of course I'm oversimplifying.

Because I don't understand it either. You can't understand it.

They didn't give us anything to understand. Except....

Now, before those guys, we used to understand the world.

And now we don't, because they proved to us...

...beyond a shadow of a doubt that we don't understand the world.

-You wanna give me a hand with this? -Honey, I'm doing the fridge.

Twentieth-century man.

Doubt.

-What are you talking about now? -You, me, everybody.

It's right there in the Arts and Leisure section.

This is why we aren't sure of anything.

This is why we feel cut off, drifting.

This is why we can't make a commitment.

This is why people lie, and cheat and steal...

...and they never think they're doing wrong.

Nothing means anything to us. You see what I mean?

Are you saying you don't wanna get married?

-No, I'm saying what I'm saying. -That's what I thought.

Okay, ready? Let's go.

You're driving.

-Do you think we should have children? -What?

Do you think we should have children, I mean, if we get married?

What do you mean, "if"?

-Do you take this man? -Do you take this woman?

-For better or for worse. -In sickness or in health.

With the full knowledge that we really don't know what we're really doing.

And that we might exchange this permanent internal unhappiness...

...for a remolding of reality.

To live free of guilt and free of personal responsibilities.

And all that that doesn't entail.

-To love. -Honor.

-And obey. -Obey?

Powerless to alter or change in any way.

So that it really doesn't matter what we do.

With the final and conclusive knowledge that the world is not what it seems.

That you cannot measure time or space.

-Or right or wrong. -Or good or evil.

Or the value of anything except the dollar, the yen and the deutsche mark.

-Until death, divorce... -Death, divorce...

-...or desertion do us part. -...or desertion do us part.

I do.

Hello?

I do.

I do.

I do!

I do, I do, I do....

-I do what? -Take this woman, et cetera, et cetera.

I do.

I do.

I do.

Monica.

Yes, Steve?

-This is not a dream. -No, Steve, this is not a dream.

Now say "I do" so we can get the hell out of here, okay?

Okay.

I--

I....

I....

I'll miss you.

I'm sorry you're going.

-I love you. -Did I give you the keys?

Yes.

I left the number where I can be reached until I get an apartment.

What else?

I don't know.

My mother's sending back the wedding gifts.

I told her whatever it cost, we'll split it. You know, the catering, the food.

Okay, sure. I'll call her.

-I wouldn't call her if I were you. -Why not?

Okay, call her. Just don't be surprised if she isn't very nice.

She thinks it's your fault.

-Why would she think that? -Because that's what I told her.

Right.

-I couldn't tell her the truth. -Why not?

Because I don't know what the truth is.

-She's disappointed? -That's putting it mildly.

She was already counting grandchildren.

I'm sorry.

-Don't keep saying that, please. -But I am.

Yeah, so am I. I'm sorry I ever laid eyes on you.

I'm sorry you exist. I have a long list of sorries, Steve.

But I don't wanna get into them right now...

...because none of them really matter...

...except for one major, stupid, unbelievable mistake.

And that is that I gave up my apartment...

...to come and live with you. For that, I am truly, truly sorry.

-Look, you could just stay here. -Sure.

You could.

Sure, I could.

-But where would you stay? -Well, here. Come on, we're both adults.

No, we're not. Are you crazy? You call this behavior adult?

Besides, I can't stand the sight of you right now.

Do you understand that?

Look, I told you.

I was confused. Scared.

I kept looking around at all those people, thinking:

"What are they doing here? What's so important?"

You know, before I thought it was gonna be a big party, you know?

Everybody will dance and have a good time.

And we'll go home, take a couple aspirin, go to bed, and that's that.

-Till death do us part. -Right.

Okay.

-It was your idea, Steve. -I know, but something happened.

You know, I think it was the rice.

We never even got to the rice. We never even got to "Here Comes the Bride."

I know, but I saw them passing it out.

Little bags that people would throw at us because we're getting married.

I mean, that church was bad luck. What were we doing in a church?

And the Cadillacs. I mean, when was the last time you were in a Cadillac?

I don't even drive.

I really wish you wouldn't try to explain this. You're only going to make it worse.

It just wasn't right. Any of it. Okay?

It was like being on another planet. I mean...

...tuxedos and rice and Cadillacs and churches.

What does that have to do with us?

It's a ceremony, Steve. It's just a symbol.

You're not supposed to analyze it. You're just supposed to do it.

At least in the '60s, they had an alternative, right?

It was like, "Okay, well, let's get married in the meadow, just us and God...

...and a couple spaced-out witnesses."

At least they had that. What have we got?

All right. Maybe you're right.

Maybe we should have done it in a bank with a word processor and tax lawyers.

Maybe we should have done it in Central Park on Rollerblades.

Maybe we should have done a lot of things. But the point is, we didn't.

We didn't do it.

We didn't do it, did we?

No.

No.

Right.

Okay. That's it.

Enough. I'm finished.

I'll get the rest of it on Saturday.

Don't go.

I'll call you early. Will you be here on Saturday?

-Come on. Don't-- -Will you be here or not?

-Don't go like this. -Like what?

Like this. Like this.

Don't start, please.

Don't touch me, okay?

-Come on. -Don't touch my boo-boo.

-Look, just sit down so we can talk. -I don't wanna talk.

-Okay, don't talk. Just sit down. -I don't wanna sit down.

Okay, don't sit down. Just stand there.

Just stand there for a minute.

I don't have a minute. I have to go.

-Why do you have to be so difficult? -Me?

-Give me a minute to think. -What's gonna happen?

Just-- Just give me a minute.

This has been going on for years. You think it will change in a minute?

-I'm only asking for a minute! -You think a miracle will happen?

Jesus Christ, you see what I'm talking about? You never give anything a chance!

-I never give anything a chance? -One way. You see everything one way.

I bought the fucking dress. I sent out the invitations. I worked on the menu.

-And one and one is two. -I don't give anything a chance.

Hey, so things don't work out that way, that's all. What's the big deal?

I believed in you. I believed you.

That's the big deal.

Are there rules?

I'm crazy because I think you know what you're talking about.

Everything happens a certain way? Elementary-school bullshit.

You don't know what you're talking about. You're stupid and blind.

-Hey, I'm not stupid. -Would you listen to me? Listen.

-No, you listen! -Me, me, me.

Why does it always have to be you?

-I stand around like an idiot. -It's always my fault.

Well, you know what? Know what?

I'm sick of you. Okay?

You get the hell away from me.

You son of a bitch! You get out of my life!

-And I am sick of you! -You get out and you stay out!

Okay, you want the truth? Want the truth?

Nothing.

-You won't even know I'm not there. -Nothing. Nothing. Nothing!

-That's all I am to you. Nothing? -You're nothing to me.

-Nothing? -Right.

Right.

Okay.

One minute.

Hello. I--

I have this number for Monica. Is she there?

What?

-Hello? -Hi, it's me.

Hello?

Monica?

Hello?

Hello?

Hi. I'm not in. You know what to do.

Monica? I know you're-- Fuck.

Hello.

Hello?

Hello!

Oh, you don't, do you?

Well, I do.

I did, and now I do. I always have. I smoke, okay?

Account 1-3-3. I want two...

...parmigiana sandwiches.

And I want....

I'll get a large pepperoni.

I want four cheesecakes.

Monica, it's Steve. I think I'm pregnant, and it's yours.

You should call me.

Please?

Just talk to me.

Monica, I miss you so much.

Come on. Please. Please talk to me.

Monica.

I know you're thinking about me...

...because I'm thinking about you all the time.

Every day, every minute. I'm sorry for hurting you.

I didn't mean to hurt you. I just gotta see you.

Please. I gotta see you.

I gotta touch you.

It was hard.

It wasn't easy.

-I used to run into people. -They'd tell me things.

-What she was doing. -What he was up to.

I didn't wanna know. I wanted to know, but I didn't wanna know.

I didn't wanna hear about it, especially if it was good.

Sometimes it was hard not to ask about her.

-Even if I didn't wanna hear anything. -But that changed.

After a while, that stopped. I think she moved.

She must have finally found a place of her own.

I think he would have stopped calling.

I mean, even if he knew where I was.

I would have stopped calling. I mean, eventually.

Somebody had to do something definite about it.

I think we had to make a clean break.

-People stopped talking. -I stopped asking.

But I kept thinking about him.

She was still on my mind...

...at least-- At least once a day.

-You know, you do something. -You go someplace.

-You see somebody. -Or, you know, you hear something.

I kept thinking, "If I could only just go through one day...

...without having his name go through my head."

This was months later.

That was after a year.

And then you start to think, "Maybe I should just call him."

I thought of calling her.

-Just to see how he is. -And find out how she was doing.

Say hello.

-But I didn't. -I never did it.

-No. -The thing is...

...I never really figured out what was wrong with us.

There was never a real problem.

There was never anything you could put your finger on.

You know, to this day, I don't know why we broke up.

I don't know why it didn't work.

We were really stupid.

And I think we were in love.

We were really in love.

Yeah. Well, that didn't help.

That made it tougher.

It was harder to let go.

You have this experience of feeling something so strong, so good.

And as bad as it gets, you can't forget that.

And you always think that tomorrow it'll be the way it was in the beginning.

And the memory gets stronger and stronger...

...and it just makes every day worse and worse.

I think that whole love thing really did us in. It screwed everything up.

And then I woke up one day, and I realized...

...that I hadn't thought about him for weeks.

I don't know what I was doing.

I wasn't doing anything.

But whatever I was doing, I wasn't thinking about him at all.

-Hey, Monica. -Oh, hi, George.

I don't know when it was, but it was just one day.

-It just sort of occurred to me. -It sort of dawned on me.

-I just sort of realized it. -I knew it was over.

Yup, all right.

I just sort of realized that...

...it was finished.

It was.

Yeah.

Follow me, folks. I'll take you to reception. This way, please.

I didn't think it was you.

-No? -No. No, I didn't.

Who did you think it was?

I didn't think it was anybody. Just not you.

-Well, you look terrific. -Thanks.

Oh, my God.

Oh, God.

-You don't have to make a fuss. -I'm not.

Okay, but they are adorable.

My babies, they're adorable. Steve, look at this. Look at this.

This one is Monica. I call her Moniquita.

And this is Elizabeth. Here, there's two of them.

Elizabeth's older.

Anyway, I wanted you to see them.

What does he do, your husband?

Electronics.

-No Renoir? No Gauguin? -No, electronics. Well, sort of.

He does temperature testing for computer parts.

He invented it.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

It's a way of testing computer parts to see how much heat they can withstand.

Good.

I know. But he does well.

What about you? How you doing?

-Me? I'm good. -You still working?

Yes. I stopped for a year. For the kids.

And I went back to school.

I got my master's degree. French literature.

Twentieth-century.

-The good stuff. -The good stuff. That's right.

That's terrific, you know?

-How about you? -I'm good. I'm great.

-How's the studio? -We finally moved.

-Good. -Yeah, Michael got to me.

We're downtown with the big boys now.

-Well, that's excellent. -Thank you.

-What are you doing in Santa Barbara? -A film, Artichoke.

We're very near Castroville here. Yeah.

-I don't do much still stuff anymore. -That's terrific.

We do, like...

...educational, documentary stuff.

But, you know, I actually did take some stills recently.

They're very nice. Would you like to see them?

Yeah, I'd love to see them.

Organically grown.

Your Honor.

-Oh, my God. -Yep. That's what I said.

Look at him.

-Is it a him? -No, it's a girl.

-She's just a baby. -Six months.

-You didn't tell me. -No, I....

-You didn't tell me either. -Well, she's beautiful.

-Yeah, you think so? -I can't believe you did this.

It wasn't hard. I had years of practice. Some of them with you.

No, it is hard.

But it's funny. Because after you do it, you wonder:

"Why did you wait so long?"

Yeah.

That's enough.

It's disgusting anyway.

I don't really show them to anybody anymore. People smile, but they hate it.

Is she good to you?

-The baby? -The wife.

-Oh, yeah. -Dumb question.

No, not at all. I know exactly what you mean. But she is, yes.

I used to do that all the time.

I used to ask people stuff. Like, if they were happy or stuff like that.

But I don't do it anymore because it's stupid, and it's none of my business.

Are you happy?

Yeah, I am. I am happy.

-That's great. -Yeah.

I worry a lot. You know, I think maybe I should have been smarter.

I think I did it all wrong. I should have.... I don't know.

I don't know if I can give them what they need. You know?

Sometimes I think...

...I don't even know if I know what they need. But that's okay, really...

...because I enjoy trying.

Sometimes I think it's working. Sometimes I think it's not.

-Sometimes I think it's best not to think. -Right. Just do it.

Funny, isn't it? You know? I feel more alone now.

You know....

That surprised me.

That really did. I mean, there's so much more going on.

People and work and the baby, and it's all good.

But I still feel more alone.

Well, it doesn't get any easier.

Listen...

...it's getting late.

Yeah, I better get moving.

Yeah, I got an early flight.

-You're leaving tomorrow? -Yeah.

Well, it was good to see you.

It was good to see you too.

I'm gonna have the worst hangover.

I better go, huh?

Yeah.

So do you have any good or bad breakup stories you can tell?

The lowest...

...would have been the guy right before him...

...who asked me to marry him and then went away...

...and he wanted me to visit him.

So I called him to firm up the details and a woman answered the phone.

And this was at midnight, and she tried to wake him up.

Little did I know, he was in a drunken stupor and could not be awakened.

And he called me the next morning, he said, "Honey, I'm really sorry."

I said, "You asked me to marry you.

What were you doing with another woman after you proposed to me?"

And he said, "Darling, we're not married yet."

The worst breakup I ever had took two years.

I moved across the country, 3000 miles away.

He followed me, and when he left, we were back together.

But by the time he made it to New York City, we had somehow broken up again.

He got a girl pregnant.

-I'm always at fault. -Spread my wings and fly.

Does it every time. And even then, he still wanted to go out with me.

He got her pregnant, was gonna marry her, but said we'd still stay the same...

...meaning we'd still be together because at this point, we were together.

He's like, "I made a mistake."

My girlfriend and I used to e-mail each other.

It was kind of a romantic thing we did when we went to two different schools.

And then one night, I got home and she broke up with me over e-mail.

And the reason that she gave me was that she had met someone else...

...over e-mail.