Original subtitles

How you do it? Just throw like this?

Look like i won it.

Get your hands off my money. Please.

i ain't never gonna go broke.

Roll that shit again.

Brother, put your money in. Can't win unless you play.

Throw it in there. There we go.

Am i right?

Oops. Slipped right out of my hands.

We got to go.

Seriously, his sister's got some ill will.

This goes to a good cause. Sorry i got to go.

To keep your shit, you got to know when to quit.

Let's leave. Quickly.

Brothers, stay broke. i mean, stay black.

Lucky you stopped me. i was about to buy a condo in midtown.

- Lucky i stopped you? - Hell, yeah.

i can tell Nikki, "We was late because Bunz was on his knees playing dice. "

Playing? i was the MVP. Hear the roar of the crowd?

Don't want your cut?

i ain't saying that.

Get outta my shit, know what i'm saying?

i don't need your tired ass! Go back to your stank ho!

She called and left her fucking number!

i caught your ass in the act! Big nose, pop eyes, receding hairline.

Truth is, you can't win, motherfucker!

Let me see you rise now, motherfucker! No, i don't think so!

You ain't got to take that. Jab back.

Hold up one motherfucking minute!

When i need Howard Cosell, i will call Howard Cosell!

Take your fake-dredded ass, pick up Mighty Mouse...

...and skippity-doo your rank ass home!

Run, man! Got a greyhound on your back!

That's why i don't like relationships.

i strictly deal with booty calls. 3:00 a. m., no questions asked.

i don't want to do this blind date.

You go do your thing. i'll go back and win me some money.

You can do what you want, Bunz. But this girl is fine.

Miss Butterworth, fine.

it's up to you.

Miss Butterworth gives me gas.

Define "fine. " What does the girl look like?

i ain't sitting at the table with no wildebeest.

i got a reputation. You know what i'm saying?

What about that fruit bat you left the party with?

i was gonna tell you about that.

That girl put something in my drink, man.

i wouldn't go out like that.

The girl had a beard.

She did not.

Hair.

She did not have a beard. She had a real thin goatee.

If your girl ain't Chinese...

...why the hell she live in Chinatown?

Good neighborhood, nice apartment. Her girlfriend lives across the hall.

The girlfriend is Chinese. You thought i'd be upset.

i don't mind Rice Krispies on my plate.

- She know how to pan fry this noodle. - She's not Chinese.

Then what's going on?

Chinese or not, she could snuggle up on these egg rolls.

You know what i'm saying? They lower in fat.

That's why i never take you nowhere.

You take me everywhere.

If I was a girl, we'd be dating.

Rushon's friend is cute, right?

He's cute enough.

No, no, no. You said he was cute.

i'm not asking you to have his baby...

...just run a little interference for me.

But he does have class though, right?

i do not mess with anyone who does not have class.

Trust me. He is in a class all by hisself.

What kind of name is " Lystie?"

it's short for Lysterine.

That's mouthwash. What's up with these whack-ass names?

i went out with this girl named Genoria.

She spelled it, "Gonorrhea. " i can't put that on a postcard.

it's Lysterine with a Y, not an i.

That makes all the difference in the world.

The point is you're doing this for me.

i've gone out with Nikki for 7 weeks-

And you ain't hit that ass yet?

Hey, man, i like her.

Nikki, why are you taking so long?

i can't go out like this.

Like what?

My cleavage is hanging out.

Cleavage?

i don't want to send out the wrong signal.

Anyone that's put up with you for 7 weeks deserves some nay-nay.

Oh, really?

Why are you making Rushon wait so long?

He seems like he's a good man. He's got a career. He treats you nice.

i know.

i want to make sure he's the right one.

Just don't leave me alone with him.

Then he's not the only one feeling the seven week itch.

it is not even like that.

You better watch that smile, then.

Can we please go?

This is how i pick the situation:

College got you too sensitive.

Sensitive?

You ain't got no player left in you.

i wouldn't let the sun rise without tagging that ass.

i'd have that ass bouncing like a low rider in a Dr. Dre video.

i say, " Nikki, tonight is the night. A one-time offer. "

She want to give it to you tomorrow, you say, "Tomorrow's too late. "

- it's not that simple. - Not for somebody who's slipping.

Put me in the players' section.

i'm not slipping.

Like a rug.

Nikki and i will do our thing tonight.

She knows it and i know it.

i didn't mean to disrespect you.

But you're a gambling man. Why not put your money where your mack is?

i won't bet money on something like that.

Let's just make it a gentlemen's bet.

We're gentlemen.

Let this go.

Come on, big daddy, big player, big pimp, big baller...

That's my boy. You go the fuck on.

He's celebrating his bar mitzvah. He just got circumcised.

Go on with your food.

Oh, Rushon! it's so good to see you this evening!

And who is your friend?

Hello. My name is Chan and i'm here to serve you tonight.

We're waiting on our dinner guests.

i think your hair is three things:

Fab-u-lous!

i got three things for you: Back up, Yoko Ono.

Nigga, please.

They're here.

These girls got a lot of class. So act like you got a little bit of sense.

Like you got a mama and weren't mixed up in a test tube.

We should move to a table with better light.

- What for? - i can't get with ladies in muted light.

i need a good look.

Anybody can look good in dim light.

How many times you go to a club and in the disco lights, the girl look good?

The next day you go pick her up, all happy.

But it's high noon. She comes out the house...

...and a sea donkey climbs into your car.

A brother's got a right to know what he's feeding-

Get up.

Lysterine, this is Rushon's friend, Bunz.

Excuse us.

What do you think you are doing?

Did you see that tarantula-hair fool? Motherfucker look like Predator.

it's just dinner, some egg rolls and we out. Girl, why are you tripping?

She's not with my shit, man.

No, she's on you. She's just nervous.

it's a blind date. All right?

Everybody's got a weakness.

Who knows? You and Bunz just might hit it off.

" Bunz?"

You blind date me with a hood rat named Bunz?

Have you lost your mind?

No. i can't get with a brother named Bunz.

No, it's Bunz with a Z, not an S.

You never can be too ready.

Just do this for me, please.

You owe me.

Big time. Let's roll.

Ladies, you look good.

What's up?

Nothing.

Are we ready to order?

i am. i want the shrimp fried rice.

Two, please.

i'll have prawns in garlic sauce.

And you, Miss Thang?

Excuse me?

You got her with the " Miss Thang. "

You eating or just looking?

i want lobster tail in butter-wine sauce.

We girls want a bottle of Moet.

Damn, girl...

...why you order the most expensive shit?

Rushon, you need to check your boy.

That's what i'm talking about, is the check.

The lobster don't even have a price. it just says, "Seasonal. "

You know that means a brother got to pay $28.

if i get you lobster and some Moet, you know what's happening after that.

No, what does happen?

i'm going deep sea diving.

My platinum card.

i could buy and sell your ashy black, blue-collared ass.

is that so?

Yes, it is.

Well, looky here.

What is that?

it's a gold gas card.

That means i could buy all the gas i want...

...in all 50 states and 11 foreign countries.

i got privileges too.

if you buy enough gas, they give you coffee mugs.

A gas card? You don't even got a car.

Why you putting me on Front Street?

i'll have you know i laid away a '68 Chevy Super Sport...

...with a 427-cubic inch twin cam...

...with a Hurst gear shift.

Sounds like a man with some serious doubts about his manhood.

Those cars are nothing but extensions of your penis...

...or lack thereof.

You're right. My dick is only 2 inches...

...from the ground.

isn't he grand?

Can't get a brother's order straight.

Look, i ordered shrimp fried rice. Can i get some shrimp?

There is one shrimp here...

...and another shrimp here.

What's all the green leafy stuff. To fool me with shrubbery?

Child, that's garnishment.

Make your food look good.

What'll make my food look good is 5 extra shrimp.

i thought there was no smoking here.

i'll take care of this.

Sit down.

That's the notorious Ug Lee, godfather of the Leuang Triad.

He runs Chinatown.

i got all his albums.

i'll tell him you said hi.

You probably thought i was just a common hood rat.

i didn't know you spoke Chinese.

i couldn't speak it to your ass.

Where'd you learn?

My and my father always watched kung fu movies.

They got subtitles.

Our TV didn't have a vertical hold.

i'd get the kung fu videos and listen to them.

Bit by bit, i started understanding the motherfuckers.

One time i went to a Chinese laundry...

...and what sounded like, " Ping, ting, pang"...

...started making sense.

Why not just buy a new TV?

Everybody ain't got no platinum card.

There is some poor folk in the world.

How's your shrimp?

He got none.

Here's one, baby.

You can have it.

My goodness, you whipped. That boy is whipped.

You need to pay attention and learn.

He only gave you a crusty-ass shrimp.

That hood rat's emerging again.

No fighting in restaurant. Cost you extra to fight in restaurant.

Fuck me?

My mother?

You are a horse-mouth bitch motherfucker.

i'll stick my elbow up your ass.

Hold this for me, baby. Thank you.

Bring it. Send it.

That ain't nothing but beginner's luck.

Right.

A little cleavage for mommy.

Cleavage? She need a whole-

That's why you're losing.

i'm losing, but i ain't lost.

So nice. So sweet.

Give it up, nigger.

I'm in the money

What We in the money

Got more cleavage.

Beginner's luck?

Shit happens.

- it's a little messy in here. - Don't even worry about it.

- it's a little messy in here. - Don't even worry about it.

it's about to get real messy. Ready?

i'm gonna do my thing. Here we go.

Where do you two think you're going?

We'll put on some mood music so we can dance.

You've done enough dancing for tonight.

You got ambiance here. You know how we do it, girl.

The only reason we came up here is to play cards.

After that, you two are going home.

What is this?

i'm going to kick your ass.

Leave Killa alone. He does live here and you are just visiting.

if we was really in China, i'd have his ass honey-roasted.

Play, Nikki.

Somebody's cheating.

Something's going on.

i wish something was going on.

Y'all are just mad 'cause you losing.

i heard that, Rushon.

You slipping again.

A guy with a girl for 7 weeks, don't get no intimacy and that's funny to y'all?

Maybe the girl wants a relationship...

...and isn't interested in casual sex.

Maybe she wants a deeper commitment. Maybe she wants a soul mate.

She's doing some soul-searching.

Or she got a brother with a 9-inch dong knocking...

Shut up!

i think it's a legitimate question.

if i dated a girl for 7 weeks, know what she'd be doing?

Playing the meat flute.

Riding the baloney-pony.

Eating tube steak, and working a little for the gravy.

Can i get some?

Excuse me.

Thanks so much for sharing that with us.

i tried to share this big paloosa with you all night...

Boy, am i getting tired.

Aren't you?

You know, i'm getting tired myself.

it is getting a little late, though.

it is getting late.

Since y'all tired, and we're tired...

...y'all go ahead. We can kick it here.

No, let's still play cards. Ain't nobody going nowhere.

- So, Lystie... - What?

Can i ask you a question?

Ever made a brother wait 7 weeks to get up on that thing?

She ain't never made a man wait 30 minutes.

Do i smell a whore?

No, i have full confidence in my sexuality.

i don't toil over it, unlike some prudes i know.

Prude?

i am nobody's prude. i just don't want to rush into sex.

That may be hard for you to understand.

Really?

You might understand if you cleared away some cobwebs from your coochie-

Coochie cobwebs?!

- Why don't we just deal? - Don't stop them now. They'll box.

Let's get ready to rumble!

What's up? Y'all ready for another one?

i'd rather be shopping.

Where is the love in this room?

i got plenty of love. i just can't seem to get to it.

Do you ever stop?

i never stop.

Really?

Really.

Are we playing cards, or what?

Girl...

...your feet are kind of strong, but the softest feet in the world.

Damn!

Get those big,jungle rot, alligator feet off mine!

You'd catch a salmon with those eagle's claws!

Big old cheese knots and balls all in there.

You been playing soccer with a pack of wild wolves!

Get your feet off me. Look like monkey hands.

Oh, yeah. Suck it.

You play with a brother's ass.

You the MVP.

A little lower.

Hit me on the t'ain't.

it t'ain't the ass and it t'ain't the lip.

Man, you talk about toe jam.

Let me get my head together.

i'm about to cramp up.

i got a little cramp in my leg.

Got any napkins?

You know, i think i left my gas on on my stove.

Know how to work a pilot?

Yeah.

Your stove's not even hooked up yet.

You know, speaking of remodeling...

...i've got some paint samples i need to mix.

Can you assist me?

i sure the fuck could, girl. That's my shit.

Hold up. Excuse me. Where are you going?

- We'll head on out. - You ain't even played your hand yet.

We just did.

- Ciao. - Lystie, wait a minute-

- Mind your own business. - No, wait.

All you got to do is tell me how you like it.

No, baby, you might think i'm freaky.

i don't think you're freaky.

it really turns me on when a man can do impressions.

imitations.

Like, powerful men.

Men of authority. Men likeJesseJackson.

- JesseJackson? - Yes.

DoJesse.

Hands that picked cotton now pick the President.

Oh, shit.

The rhinoceros is not as prolific as other animals...

...but nonetheless as enthusiastic.

Watch as the 4,000-pound beast rises to the occasion.

Wax that 4,000-pound ass.

Killa...

...stop that! No!

Oh, it's all right.

He's only human, right?

You didn't pet Killa when Bunz was here.

He's a bad influence on you.

Just let me say that the ass is round.

And you know that i'm down, bipartisan.

And we can work it to the ground.

When i hit the skins, we can both join together and say, "i am somebody. "

i am somebody.

- Somebody! - Say it louder! i am somebody!

- Hallelujah. - Somebody!

- Smack my ass! - Hallelujah!

Do you know how sweet you are?

How nice you are?

Then your boys come around.

"What's up, nigga?"

Who you checking for? Me...

...or Bunz?

You.

- i'm the heavyweight boxing champ. - Yes, Michael.

- i don't care what people think. - Yes, Michael.

- it's ludicrous how soft your skin is. - it's soft for you, baby.

- Like the leather on my first gloves. - Work it.

- it makes me want to work out. - Work it, Ty.

Work it, Mike.

- Just work it, Mike! - i'm just so vicious!

Yes, work it!

Wait.

What? What?

Use a condom. i don't want to die for this.

Yeah, i got a condom right in my coat.

- You want a condom? - Yeah.

Got one.

Right here, like i said.

Safe sex.

Here we go, girl. i'll do my thing.

Wait. Stop. Stay

Come here, baby.

Oh, yes.

i'd like to take my time while i'm knocking the boots.

Go, Bill.

i start with the breasts, the nipples are so chocolatey...

...and smooth.

And then i work my way on down to the love triangle.

You like it. i'm kissing it and licking it...

...and thinking about sticking it.

When i get there, it'll be smooth and creamy...

...just like theJell-O pudding.

Give me-

Give me the goddamn condom, you little-

There.

A dog's mouth is cleaner than a human's.

You thought i'd use this after it'd been in the dog's mouth?

i'll go ahead and get me another one.

Don't be kicking my dog.

You go, Bill.

Have your little something and a smile.

Yes, Bill. Feel it.

You got any condoms?

Star Date 2102:

i'm without contraceptives, so please...

...leave me the fuck alone.

Damn.

She was really doing it with Bunz?

Sounded more like Bill Cosby in there.

Lysterine always has been a little kinky.

- i'll call her. - No.

Come on, let the boy do what he do.

i'll do what i do.

Shit, it's throwing me off.

Let me listen.

Longevity...

...has its place.

i may not get to the mountaintop with you, but i have a dream.

i have a dream too.

i have a dream that one day, the valley shall be explored.

Explored.

Every hill and every mountain shall be fondled.

I have a dream that the rough places will be laid smooth...

...and all the crooked places laid straight.

Lay it straight!

And I can look down on the voluptuous woman and say...

What?

...i'll wax that ass! i'll wax that ass.

- Lord have mercy! i'll wax that ass! - Say it, brother!

i'll go bananas in that rump shaker.

Lystie, what are you doing over there?

Nikki, nothing.

My ass.

You're not having unprotected sex with Martin Luther King.

Unsafe sex can be deadly. You know that.

Dr. King's about to rock my world.

Girl, have you lost your mind?

You don't know where he came from.

Girl, you better go get you a condom.

You take a hard look at Bunz...

...and tell me you don't need a condom.

i ain't got nothing to do with this.

What the problem is? We going to do this, or what?

i'm sorry.

Don't worry about it. Let's just go get the condoms.

No, it is not what you think.

Yes, it is.

Nikki's about to get her groove on.

No, i told him he can go to the store...

...buy condoms and that's it.

Let's just do what we got to do.

i was doing what i had to do...

...i don't know about you, but i did what i had to...

...to get what i needed to do... done.

You'll give him the keys to the car...

...and not let him drive that thing?

Why are you asking all these questions?

What are you gonna be doing?

You really want to know that?

No, i don't.

No? Since you asked, i feel i should be at liberty to share it with you.

i've got some toys, and i've got some ice.

ice?

Yeah, girl. i love ice.

i'm gonna start at his toes and get them to-

No, we close.

Yo, yo, man, we just want condoms.

No condoms for Yoyo! Yoyo, come here!

Damn!

He said, "Yo, man. " He's not calling my name.

No Yoyo.

Yo, yo. i understand.

Later on, i get to dip that soy sauce.

We got the girls waiting for us back at the crib, man.

Girl. i have just what you need.

Very special.

Very rare.

Tiger penis.

Make you strong in all the right places.

i'm already the king of the jungle, know what i'm saying?

Give us your best condoms.

Fine, fine.

Lambskin. Very sensitive.

12-pack.

Leaves some feeling for your jimmy.

Only $38.

$38!

i ain't got 12 dicks to put that on. i just need 1 or 2.

No can break box. Only have 12-pack.

12 condom not much for king of the jungle.

You trying to break my pockets, G.

Gi, my cousin. i am Chiu.

You want skins or what?

if you get those, you better hit some Nikki skins.

What choice have we got?

You know, me, i just put the tip in.

You might not put that in there.

What are you saying?

Tonight...

Before the sun rises.

i only need one. i wash it out and use it again.

Recycle, baby.

i'm back.

Champagne.

"Open me. " i can do that.

At least i think i can...

Hi.

Just got a little excited.

Put this on ice?

Put it on ice.

Could do that too.

What's wrong?

Damn cardboard is sticking me.

Condoms.

Safe way to go.

What kind are these?

Condom condoms.

These are lambskin. Don't you listen to the Surgeon General?

Lambskin condoms don't protect you against the HiVvirus.

Baby, i'm government tested and grade A. Clear as a bell.

Don't even go there.

Rushon,just go to the store and get some latex.

Okay? Please.

Latex?

La-tex.

Damn sheep.

Wimpy little woolly lamb chop-ass.

- Where you going? - To take Killa for a walk.

i'll take Killa for a walk. Okay?

We supposed to be bonding. Man's best friend, right?

You just stay put with your fine self.

What you got? i'll be back.

All right? Don't you go nowhere.

The condoms we got are no good!

i'm going to Mr. Chiu's. They're lambskin!

What am i doing?

Have a good time.

We will!

Bye, Rushon.

Let me see who that is. it might be important.

Hold on.

Hello.

Hey, Nik.

He'll be right out.

i'm not going anywhere, you hear me?

We spent $38 on those condoms.

i don't want to go out again.

i'm hot and bothered. i might hurt somebody.

Not you. i don't hit women.

Relax.

i'll turn you every which way but loose.

That's what i mean.

After you buy...

...a latex condom, okay?

- Okay. - Good.

When i come back, we doing this.

We doing this. Do you understand?

No phone ringing.

if the Avon lady's at the door i'll bust her ass...

...unless she got some condoms. All right?

Why don't...

...we just wait for the Avon lady?

Go!

it's so dark outside.

Can you believe this?

Bet he's with Yoyo painting stripes on that tiger penis.

She should hang with this jungle snake.

- What are we gonna do? - We?

What you gonna do? i have mine going on.

And if this dog don't quit sniffing on my boots...

...i'll show you true doggie style.

- Rushon. My God, my man main. - Singh, my nigger.

- You should be on 125th Street. - No, i'm a floater.

i work Harlem, Chinatown, Hunt's Point, Coney island, Hell's Kitchen.

i don't give a shit. i'm a floater.

No dogs allowed, my friend.

No, my brother, that's a Seeing Eye dog.

See his nasty little rodent ass out to the curb.

He's got a point.

You're looking at the dog's ass?

He's got a point too. 1 to 1.

What? i'm on your side.

You started the shit.

- Y'all got kerosene? - Aisle 2.

- Aisle 3. - You moved it?

- Tell me these things. - i'll tell you everything.

- i'd like to fuck the dog. - Way too much information.

Singh, i need some latex condoms. Gotta be latex.

Mr. Black Man, i can't see you! Come to the front!

This is the right place. We have Ginza, Sheik, Hot Tamale.

Booty Call, Backdoor Man, Manhandlers.

Ramrod, LubeJob, in Deep.

Joy Trail, Buckwild, and Goodyear Eagles.

Goodyear got a condom too?

Maxi-tread.

Give me the Sheik. No offense.

i'll get the same thing, and also get some Backdoors.

- My God. - Don't get them. They're for gay men.

Don't go there.

i don't know. You could be a bit of a doo-doo chaser.

A sodomite, with hair like that.

Hell, no. i like the fuzzy stuff, don't get me wrong.

My hair expresses my individuality.

- A sodomite. - Or sodo-maybe.

Very good. High-two.

- Where are your condoms? - Over there.

i'm watching you.

Mind your business.

- What's a sodomite, anyway? - You don't want to know.

- What's a sodomite, anyway? - You don't want to know.

i thought he was saying i was, like, Dolemite's cousin or something.

Damn. i forgot Killa.

Shit.

Hold.

No, you must be firm with them. Heel!

Damn!

Come here!

Girl, that's right. He is out right now taking care of Killa.

Looks like Rushon has worked his way right on in, huh?

Honey, let me tell you, my man has earned everything i'm about to give him.

Come here, you mutt!

i hate dogs.

i'll tell Nikki that Killa's with you and Lysterine.

We can still get busy-

i will not get caught up in your web of deception.

Rushon, one thing i don't do is lie.

When Nikki is crying on Lysterine's shoulder, what you gonna do?

Let's get our story straight.

No story required. Come on, B.

What took you guys so long?

Killa was playing, lost track of time.

This dog is so frisky. You hear me?

is there something on his sweater?

No.

Nothing. it's a little shadowy in here.

it's getting late.

Look at this.

is that a strong dog or what?

Your dog is a trip, i'm telling you.

Will you play with him all night, or come play with me?

i'll be right in there with you. Go ahead. i'll be in there.

Don't take too long.

Make me get nothing.

Rushon, what's taking so long?!

What are you supposed to be?

Jurassic Park. Getting prehistoric on you.

Come here, girl.

What are you doing?

Going downtown on the A-train.

That's great. But don't you think we need some protection for that?

i went to the store, baby. i got that.

You need dental dam to protect against the exchange of bodily fluid.

Where do i get some dental dam? i been to the store.

Plastic wrap in the kitchen.

in the kitchen.

- All right. - Hurry.

Clears another hurdle.

Didn't know i was in the Olympics?

Don't tear up my kitchen, now!

Damn. Here you go.

Don't look like we be going downtown. That's okay, babe.

it's not. i want you to go downtown.

See, if you go to the store...

...then when you come back...

...you do me...

...and i'll do you.

Yeah, but the store's a long... way...

Okay. To the store.

it's one thing to go get some rubbers...

...but not get plastic wrap for shit i don't even do.

i might hurt you. You're my friend, but i might hurt you.

You poked me in the eye. Cut that shit down.

The butt-plugs are back.

Got any plastic wrap?

in the back, next to the onions.

What's so funny?

You got to lick it

Before you kick it

You've got to make it soft and wet

Before you stick it

Camel cowboys...

We just want some wrap and we go.

Yeah.

Most people come in to buy Glad Wrap at 2 a. m.

You got to punch it

Before you munch it

You've got to work it

Before you jerk it

See?

This is why i favor immigration reform.

Just here and you're fucking with people.

My God, take a breather.

Feel better?

Better.

i was just pulling your arm.

- Pulling your leg. - Arm.

You don't say, " Pulling your arm. "

- You always correct me. - You are not in Bombay now.

i wish i was in Bombay.

- Then go to Bombay. - i won't stay.

See who we get it from? The cold part is they got a point.

These women are running us.

Do you see how expensive this shit is?

Singh, you got anything cheaper?

Come up here.

Damn. Judge Peabody.

He's a Holy Roller at my mother's church.

Hey,Judge.

Why are you out?

We just came to get a sandwich.

Ain't nothing out this late but the devil...

...and the devil's helper.

Want that Glad Wrap?

Glad Wrap at 2 a. m.?

Look like you plan on eating more than a sandwich.

Your mother know what you do?

it's bad enough you plan to fornicate.

Don't compound the crime by lying.

Lies are the oil that grease the track. The one way to desolation.

Now i know...

...that condoms and Glad Wrap has its place...

...in the pantheon of safe sex.

But the only one way to be totally safe...

...and that's abstinence and purity.

- And sexual frustration. - i know how you all feel.

That furry temptress seems like she calls your name.

She say "Come on, Rushon! Get some! Put your hand on it!

Rub it on in there.

Suck it, you filthy-"

You know, things like that. You know?

You got my nipples hard.

Watch how you talk to me.

i'm sorry?

i'm sorry for you.

i'm trying to help you.

You must be strong.

You have to take a pledge.

You say, "i swear on the seal of this...

...great state of New York that i would never-

Judge, we gonna do this or what?

Yes. Yes, i'll be right out, miss.

i'll be right out.

That's what i'm talking about.

So remember what i said...

...because i said it.

And tell your mother i said hello.

You have a great evening.

Judge, you forgot your Goodyears.

i'll come back and get it. i have to...

...take my clerk home.

Babe, you didn't have to come in there.

i'm a little low on cash. Got anything cheaper?

That's the 300. The 100 is back on the shelf.

Hurry. We're running outta time.

i don't trust those boys.

i think that girl was theJudge's fuzzy temptress.

- Furry temptress. - What is the difference?

- What is the difference? - Fuzzy and furry-

- Put the money in the bag. - We are talking.

- if furry is here and fuzzy is here- - Put the money in the bag.

Your customer.

You Pakistani piece of shit, do what i say.

You crack addict, we are Punjabis.

i could pass for Pakistani.

These motherfuckers are getting jacked.

When he shoots them, i'll go get some groceries.

Ever use the left side of your brain?

Take these.

Let's clock this motherfucker.

Hurry. Give me the goddamn money.

Call me a Pakistani...!

And you wonder why you're a floater.

Are you outta your fucking minds?!

Punk motherfucker.

You all right?

i think i got a pickle stuck in my ass.

There we go.

Tonight.

- i ain't coming back out here. - That's the spirit.

Something in here.

Man, relax.

Nikki, your man's home!

i don't wanna hear it!

i'm in the bathroom. Why don't you get ready?

i am ready, girl. i been ready.

Seven weeks, ready. Shit.

This plastic ain't easy to come by. You don't know what i been through.

But i finally got this safe sex thing down pat.

Do you know what you're doing?

Do i know what i'm doing?

i know what i'm doing.

Say you want dental dam, i got some.

Build you a Hoover Dam, is what i'll do.

i'll wax that ass tonight.

it's my turn to do what i do.

Shut up before i wrap your ass like a hot dog.

My God!

Sit up so you get some air.

Sit up.

Breathe. Let me help you.

You are supposed to put this around my pelvic area, not your head.

Sorry, babe.

Let's do this.

- " Let's do this?" - i'm fired up now.

You almost died.

My God, you are the only man in this world...

...dumb enough to do this.

- Get him up! - Get up.

Sit him up.

- Help me. - What?

Pop it!

Was you gonna wait for me to turn into a butterfly?

Deja vu.

Would you lookit here.

i been looking.

i told him i was coming right back.

Bunz, did you think you were gonna spoil or something?

i've got some aluminum foil over in the cabinet.

i don't wanna hit no woman, but...

...i tell you right now...

is this Def ComedyJam?

What's so funny?

i'm sorry, baby.

"i'm sorry, baby. "

i ain't never had to go through this much shit to get a piece of ass.

They got you slipping, now you got me slipping. i'm outta here.

i'm out. Come on.

Rushon, where you going?

i'm going home.

About time you handled your business like a man.

i still got time to make my booty call.

Now i-

i told you about this blind date stuff.

Let's get a cab and get outta here.

- Smartest thing you said. - Wait.

Don't look back. Keep walking.

We almost got shot over this shit!

- Shot?! - You heard him. Shot. i'm out of here.

Cabbie!

- You okay? - i'm still breathing, ain't i?

if you stay away from Glad Wrap.

- Lystie, come on. - i'll be right over here.

Baby, i am so sorry.

i'll make it up to you. We can go upstairs...

Damn.

if you's thinking about trying to get in good with me...

...and kissing me, forget all that.

Forgotten.

Good.

Can i get a damn cab?

Damn!

What does a brother have to do for a cab?

Rushon, help me out.

You say something?

i see what's going on.

You're gonna get yours a little before sunrise and win the bet.

What bet?!

Can you repeat the question? i got a bum ear.

it's just a figure of speech, that's all.

Like, " How much you bet i'll be tapping that ass before sunrise?"

That kind of figure of speech?

- Did you have a bet going on? - No.

No.

Hell, no. That would be degrading.

Completely degrading.

This is just a harmless challenge.

- Exactly. - Challenge.

Between guys, talking about bitches and hoes and-

Baby, that's all right. i got it.

it's like a guy thing. Kind of like high-fiving?

Right. Like a high-five.

Did you hear? it's a guy thing.

i heard.

Us girls have our thing too.

it's not a high-five. it's a high-one!

And to you too. Let's go.

Nikki, please-

Rushon, you bet on me.

You gonna listen to Bunz? Nikki, he's crazy.

i would never do something like-

- Listen, please. - i'm listening.

i fucked up. i mean, a little bit.

Look here.

i'm glad you stopped.

You don't steal my car!

What's up with the gun?

You fucked up now. i should bust your ass.

Sorry! i don't wanna cork you!

Shit!

I gotta get the hell out, man.

Shit is too crazy. i'll go back to Africa, to the roots.

Let's take a bite of the Big Apple. The night's young.

We're going to the hospital to get you stitched and cleaned up.

Then we're going home.

This is only a flesh wound. See?

Them old-school niggers could take 4 or 5 bullets to the ass...

...not go to the hospital.

They don't make niggers like they used to. Rock hard.

i hurt my finger. Kiss it.

i made a mistake. i'm sorry.

Welcome to "Slipping-Ass Brother. "

Carla, you're on the phone from Alabama.

Does the young buck in the back...

...know how to fetch and roll over, too?

'Cause he begs good as hell.

Rushon, straighten up for your boy.

What will it take for you to shut up?

it's funny you ask.

it was a bet, but it wasn't a bet.

Not now.

Like i said, it's a flesh wound.

We don't want it to get infected.

Like i said...

..." No insurance. "

Ain't this a shame.

We in the richest country in the world, the land of the brave...

...the home of the beautiful...

...and he can't get his leg sewn up?

This is not the time or the place.

it is the place. it says, " Emergency. "

it doesn't say, " Emergency unless you ain't got no insurance card. "

Shut up.

Cool. "Shut up. "

i'll go get you a parrot to go with your peg leg.

i got insurance. i just don't have my card on me.

No card, no cure.

You don't understand the severity of this situation.

This man has been shot.

i don't know where you received your training-

i apologize for my friends. it's been a very long night.

There must be a way to verify his insurance.

All the information you need is on the forms.

Like i said, little Miss Fugee...

...no card, no cure!

Look, bitch, either you make the call...

...or i'll come snatch that wig off your bald head!

i will stick this clipboard so far up your-

Rushon Askins?

You Rushon?

Rushon Askins, right here.

- Rushon Askins. - That's what i'm asking.

Fool, get your ass down.

We've already pre-admitted this patient.

i have his forms.

We must get him to triage because his wound's severe.

Yes, Dr. Zevroloski.

But aren't you-

Yes, i am. i'm very attracted to you.

These beautiful eyes, those cheek bones, that smile...

...and i love that little moustache.

But do something with the Chia Pet.

Listen. You and your mama have to wait behind the yellow line.

- Mama?! - Yes, your motherfucking mama.

He don't mean i look old.

You sure you know what you're doing?

i watched " ER" all the time, till they cut the brother's part down.

Somebody died. They tried to blame it on him.

My patient needs assistance.

Sure, Doctor. Roll him over there, please.

i think it's just a flesh wound.

- Help me get him in the bed. - You do look frail.

Brother, get you up here.

There we go. What i wanna do is...

...turn him around so you can see him.

The vital signs seem to be...

The forehead fever...

...is, stable.

i got to run. i got a 1-Adam-12 down the hall.

i'll leave you here with him. You can handle this.

Sure, Doctor...

...Zevroloski?

Well, Zevroloski was my first name.

i'm part German and partJamaican. Ger-maican.

Damn Caribbean medical schools.

Dr. Moore needs help in Obstetrics. She's having a baby.

it ain't mine.

No, it's her patient.

Well, let's get it on. is she naked?

Hurts good, doesn't it?

i'm gonna give you something for the pain.

it'll help you relax. it might make you drowsy.

But you're gonna feel a whole lot better.

Nice.

Pleasant dreams.

What's the problem?

My residency is in emergency Peds, not Obstetrics.

The patient is multi-gravida with aggravated lateral distension...

...with an oblique inguinal hernia...

...impacting the epigastric artery.

Ever go to Nell's on Ladies' Night?

Because it's free before 10, got a brand new DJ.

Don't worry. Let me tell you something about men.

They good for one thing, and most of them don't even do that right.

Talking all that mess about how big they are, how much stamina they got...

...all that mess about...

..."Ooh, whose is this? Whose is this? Whose is this?"

Know what i tell 'em? You don't even know 'im.

They bet on us like we some dogs at a race track.

They not human, baby.

They may seem like it. We both eat and breathe the same.

But look at a brother like Bunz. Does he act human?

But you just slept with Bunz.

Like i said:

They're only good for one thing.

Yes, you got it.

i'll tell you another thing: you gotta flip the script.

Keep your frickey-dickey happening on the DL.

Be like, "Yeah, that's right. But it's mine. it's mine. "

That's mine! Tear it up! Give it to me!

What's my name?

We're in a hospital.

Hospital. Chill.

We're in a hospital.

Tear it up.

Contractions are 10 seconds apart. Everything's great.

And, you know, you looking...

...you looking pretty good.

What you in for, boy?

You're lucky. i got bad pipes.

My balls is all congested.

What are they gonna do?

Un-congest them, i guess.

it says here, "Testicular removal. "

" Un-congest," my ass.

- They'll chop your balls off. - What?

Mr. Martin?

Where are you?

Mr. Martin...

...where are you?

We are ready.

" Rushon. "

What a pretty name.

Martin, here you are.

Adios, cojones.

Great evening. Got any more planned?

- Don't even start. - You don't want me to start, darling?

- What is that supposed to mean? - What does it mean?

We're in a hospital-

You don't recognize me because i'm Dr. Zevroloski!

i'm visiting from Baltimore to do research!

Hold it!

Someone stole my i D. Zevroloski. Look it up!

i knew it.

You come with me.

We got somebody to find.

They're in here somewhere.

This is a mistake.

Man, i swear to God.

- We should just leave. - No, we find him and then leave him.

What is wrong with you?

Relax.

This is a mistake.

Everyone gets nervous about this procedure.

it's easy.

We shave you, snip you, and it's over.

There is life after castration.

The plumbing works.

- Get over here. - What are you doing?

Look, i gotta go.

- Where's Rushon? - i don't know.

- You lost Rushon? - i didn't lose him. i just-

i don't have time for this.

i'll go look for him. You try to find him.

Keep an eye on him.

Mr. Martin, we've already started anesthesia.

You haven't eaten in the last 12 hours?

Relax and start counting backwards from...

Don't take myJohnson.

Don't take...

All right, people, he's out cold. Let us tango.

is he in there?

- Thought i looked like a mama. - i like older women.

i look old?

No, i'm saying you like a fine wine. Aged.

Check in there.

Chia Pet.

it's mine. it's mine. Stop.

All right, she's gone. Let's go.

Yeah, let's go.

You ain't ready for this.

No, you ain't ready for this.

Here we go.

Wait. Why hasn't this man been prepped?

Well, we all make mistakes. i'll do it myself. Razor.

Who's your daddy? Come on, big girl.

Bunz, wait. Somebody's in here.

That jack-o-lantern fool is dead to the world.

Girl, let's do this now.

Come on.

i hope you ate your corn flakes, baby, 'cause i'm gonna go all night long.

'Cause i got stamina.

Wait. You got a condom, right?

No glove, no love.

Look, i got a glove right here.

May not be big enough to fit on this old paloosa...

...but we'll do the best we can.

There we go.

Are you ready? Wait. Okay.

Line it up.

Don't go... too fast, now.

Oh, shit.

No, you didn't.

i been holding that one a long time.

That's just a flare, baby.

Damn, my crippled ass...

...could've done it longer than that.

He's been watching us the whole time.

The whole 3...

...seconds.

i hope i didn't wear you out, now.

You need a cigarette or something to bring you down?

My God, what are you doing?!

Removing a matastasized testicular growth.

- if you'll excuse me- - What?! Don't touch his growth!

Get her out.

There's been a mistake! He has no insurance!

Fuck!

Get him down to County! Goddamn stupid Admissions.

i'll be on the golf course.

Son-of-a-bitch!

Hey, baby.

Hi, Rushon.

My leg- Shit!

Everything's still there. Almost.

Almost?!

Lay off the Magic Shave, brother man.

My God, Nikki, no matter what you do, don't tell Bunz.

Worried about what Bunz is gonna think.

Lord forbid you get embarrassed in front of Bunz.

That's what i'm talking about, Rushon.

Nikki, you mean everything to me, but, come on, it's...

...where a brother got to draw the line.

And there's a time when a woman has got to draw the line.

Rushon, sun's up. You already lost the bet, what else?

Hurry up.

You know how to do that, Quick Draw.

What's up?

- That's what i been asking. - Mind your business.

Big Daddy-Haddy Not-No, what's up, boy?

Looking good. They stitched you up?

- Your boy here, don't sweat a thing. - You took care of me.

Now that your boy is here, i'm sure you'll be fine.

We're leaving. Come on.

Forget them tricks. Let's roll.

What can i do to prove i don't give a fuck what Bunz thinks?!

Sorry.

What is this? Kick A Brother in The Ding-Ding Day?

The proof is in the doing, not the saying.

it's getting late. We're going home.

All right, fuck it!

What you doing?! i don't want to know you like this.

You do look younger with your beard all cut off and everything.

" Not only am i a client, i'm also the president. "

Looks like a shrimp, man.

is that the best you can do? Come on.

Looks like a doorstop.

You'll tell everybody and embarrass the hell out of me, right?

i got to.

if i pull that, would you get stronger?

You got a little ass so tight...

...you could squeeze a piece of coal and shit a diamond.

Look at you, boy.

- Did you see what was going on? - You need to stop joning, Speedy.

We need to really keep that on the down low.

i been going through some counseling. i want to talk to you about it.

You didn't give me a chance to reach my climacticness-

- You just got excited, right? - Yeah.

Step over to this side of the line.

And what's over there for me?

i love you, over here.

Look what they're doing.

Ready to go with me?

Wanna go home?

You with me?

You sure? Watch it, now.

- Can't touch the pork chop. - Can't touch?

Can't touch it. it'll bite you.

That normally doesn't happen to me but i had an accident.

A cat jumped in my lap and scratched the left side of my shit.

So on the left side, i'm not functional. i gotta hit it to the right.

You could learn a lot from him.

i have sports cream.

i put it on and i'm ready to go, you know?

i'm glad you made me wait 7 weeks.

Did they use a razor or one of those hair removal creams on you?

Razor.

You sure you know what you're doing?

Oh, yeah!

Where is Killa?

He's around somewhere.

See? He's not bothering us.

i knew you two would hit it off and bond together.

Me and Killa have come to an understanding.

i read this is supposed to be bad for your kidneys.

Unless you're a professional...

...you shouldn't go around like this. Careful. Tendinitis.

Let's get this party started.

Be gentle.