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1
00:00:01,912 --> 00:00:04,984
FXX presents
Archer 1999.
2
00:00:08,019 --> 00:00:10,370
All right,
let's get this over with.
3
00:00:11,745 --> 00:00:14,657
This proceeding and any
sentences arising therefrom
4
00:00:14,745 --> 00:00:17,432
shall be conducted under
the Federation Judicial Code,
5
00:00:17,520 --> 00:00:19,680
Article Nine,
in re attempted murder
6
00:00:19,768 --> 00:00:22,118
and mutiny,
both capital offenses.
7
00:00:22,339 --> 00:00:23,948
Now, I know
you've all been sworn,
8
00:00:24,036 --> 00:00:25,636
and I have read
your complaints.
9
00:00:25,724 --> 00:00:27,823
- I have a question.
- Is it, "What's the best way
10
00:00:27,911 --> 00:00:29,675
- to interrupt a judge?"
- No.
11
00:00:29,763 --> 00:00:31,678
- Then...
- It's, "Why does a spaceship
12
00:00:31,766 --> 00:00:34,695
have an enormous dedicated
courtroom in it?"
13
00:00:34,783 --> 00:00:36,456
- Yeah, right?
- I don't know!
14
00:00:36,544 --> 00:00:38,516
- I didn't build it.
- Well, it's ridiculous.
15
00:00:38,604 --> 00:00:41,589
I basically sleep in a coffin,
and this could have been...
16
00:00:42,431 --> 00:00:44,120
2 1/2 squash courts.
17
00:00:44,227 --> 00:00:48,089
- Ooh, or a holodeck!
- We have a holodeck.
18
00:00:48,177 --> 00:00:49,978
- Yeah, but we never use it.
- Can we please...
19
00:00:50,065 --> 00:00:52,713
Oh, so hey,
why not just have the holodeck
20
00:00:52,801 --> 00:00:54,259
turn into a courtroom?
21
00:00:54,347 --> 00:00:56,430
Ooh, or 2 1/2
squash courts.
22
00:00:56,518 --> 00:00:58,323
Order! Order, or I will
23
00:00:58,411 --> 00:01:00,707
hold you all in a different
kind of contempt.
24
00:01:01,340 --> 00:01:03,550
Now, then, Mr. Figgis,
25
00:01:03,728 --> 00:01:05,815
are the people
ready to proceed?
26
00:01:07,250 --> 00:01:10,401
Oh, yeah.
27
00:01:10,669 --> 00:01:12,512
Uh...
28
00:01:13,317 --> 00:01:16,034
Oh, uh, sorry.
Yes, Your Honor, the, uh...
29
00:01:16,768 --> 00:01:17,783
What is...
30
00:01:18,010 --> 00:01:19,698
- Oh, come on, seriously?
31
00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:22,862
Yes, Your Honor.
32
00:01:22,961 --> 00:01:25,175
The people are ready
to proceed.
33
00:01:25,263 --> 00:01:26,481
That's what I thought.
34
00:01:26,633 --> 00:01:29,114
And is the defendant
ready to proceed?
35
00:01:29,202 --> 00:01:32,891
No, the defendant is not
because there is no defendant
36
00:01:32,979 --> 00:01:36,062
because this whole thing
is a sham and a farce,
37
00:01:36,174 --> 00:01:38,872
and I don't recognize
this kangaroo court's authority
38
00:01:39,033 --> 00:01:42,040
because it's presided over
by a male prostitute.
39
00:01:42,128 --> 00:01:43,465
- Courtesan!
- Pobobot!
40
00:01:44,630 --> 00:01:46,854
And by God,
you will recognize it
41
00:01:46,942 --> 00:01:49,587
because prior to my
current circumstances,
42
00:01:49,675 --> 00:01:53,190
for 16 years, I was a
Federation High Court Justice!
43
00:01:53,278 --> 00:01:55,501
- I have a question.
- Woman, I swear to God.
44
00:01:55,589 --> 00:01:57,438
How'd you go
from being a Federation judge
45
00:01:57,526 --> 00:01:59,128
to, like,
blowing space truckers?
46
00:01:59,302 --> 00:02:00,869
Well, Missy.
47
00:02:01,597 --> 00:02:02,894
Th-that is a...
48
00:02:03,045 --> 00:02:05,134
Oh, that is a long,
crazy story.
49
00:02:06,398 --> 00:02:08,131
But it is entirely nongermane
50
00:02:08,219 --> 00:02:10,639
to the solemn proceeding
before this bench.
51
00:02:10,850 --> 00:02:12,795
And so, Mr. Archer,
52
00:02:12,983 --> 00:02:15,824
having reminded you that
the man who represents himself
53
00:02:15,912 --> 00:02:17,223
has a fool for a client...
54
00:02:17,725 --> 00:02:19,785
I'm not representing myself.
55
00:02:19,873 --> 00:02:21,332
Well, then who is?
56
00:02:21,420 --> 00:02:24,326
Oh, just TV's Michael Gray.
57
00:02:24,834 --> 00:02:27,223
Who, for reasons known
but to God,
58
00:02:27,311 --> 00:02:28,957
is wearing seersucker.
59
00:02:29,045 --> 00:02:31,676
So if you wanna go aheadand
do that motion to dismiss,
60
00:02:31,764 --> 00:02:34,006
now would, uh,
maybe be a good time.
61
00:02:34,599 --> 00:02:36,940
Oh, and also,
we wish to countersue.
62
00:02:37,028 --> 00:02:38,044
- I'm not typing that.
- What?
63
00:02:38,131 --> 00:02:39,131
I'm gonna allow it!
64
00:02:39,299 --> 00:02:41,355
For injuries and damages
from you assholes
65
00:02:41,443 --> 00:02:42,848
attempting to murder me
66
00:02:42,936 --> 00:02:45,201
so Lana could steal
half of the ship.
67
00:02:45,303 --> 00:02:47,754
Well, when TV's Michael Gray
is done with you,
68
00:02:47,842 --> 00:02:49,941
I'm gonna own your half.
69
00:02:50,029 --> 00:02:52,667
So, hey, I don't think
this is going as well
70
00:02:52,755 --> 00:02:54,322
as you think it's going.
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00:02:56,417 --> 00:02:58,795
You goddamn crook.
72
00:03:31,359 --> 00:03:33,051
*ARCHER (2009)*
Season 10 Episode 09
73
00:03:33,146 --> 00:03:35,011
*ARCHER (2009)*
Episode Title :"1999: Robert De Niro"
74
00:03:42,945 --> 00:03:45,818
Jesus, okay.
I think that's enough.
75
00:03:45,913 --> 00:03:47,293
I don't wish to cause
the witness
76
00:03:47,381 --> 00:03:49,408
- any further distress.
- I'm fine, Your Honor.
77
00:03:49,503 --> 00:03:50,919
What about my magazine?
78
00:03:51,007 --> 00:03:53,676
- Will you...
- There's lots more video, Your Honor.
79
00:03:53,764 --> 00:03:55,450
Like the part when Pam
smashed me in the head
80
00:03:55,537 --> 00:03:57,621
- with a fire extinguisher.
- Yeah!
81
00:03:57,709 --> 00:03:59,754
Play that!
Ka-klunk!
82
00:04:00,981 --> 00:04:02,934
Do the people have
any further questions
83
00:04:03,022 --> 00:04:05,198
- for this witness?
- Not at this time, Your Honor.
84
00:04:05,286 --> 00:04:06,809
Then your witness.
85
00:04:07,364 --> 00:04:09,371
Well? Uh,
what are you waiting for?
86
00:04:10,811 --> 00:04:12,934
Get up there
and cross-examine her.
87
00:04:13,022 --> 00:04:14,106
What are you, hourly?
88
00:04:14,194 --> 00:04:15,231
I think I would be,
89
00:04:15,319 --> 00:04:16,731
if I was a lawyer.
90
00:04:16,819 --> 00:04:17,660
- Damn it.
- Look at me.
91
00:04:17,748 --> 00:04:19,106
Look at me.
Look at me.
92
00:04:19,194 --> 00:04:20,684
Something is wrong
with your brain.
93
00:04:20,772 --> 00:04:22,098
You need to plead not guilty
94
00:04:22,186 --> 00:04:23,410
by reason of insanity.
95
00:04:23,498 --> 00:04:24,629
Beg them for mercy
96
00:04:24,717 --> 00:04:27,590
and realize
you're hallucinating me.
97
00:04:28,989 --> 00:04:30,811
I'll see you
disbarred for this.
98
00:04:30,899 --> 00:04:32,472
Great,
look forward to it.
99
00:04:32,560 --> 00:04:33,660
Point of procedure.
100
00:04:33,748 --> 00:04:35,965
I, uh, no longer wish
to be represented
101
00:04:36,053 --> 00:04:37,363
by TV's Michael Gray.
102
00:04:37,451 --> 00:04:38,763
All righty.
103
00:04:38,851 --> 00:04:40,040
Are the people
okay with him
104
00:04:40,128 --> 00:04:41,913
not having
an imaginary lawyer?
105
00:04:42,003 --> 00:04:43,310
They're great with it.
106
00:04:43,397 --> 00:04:44,607
Then your witness.
107
00:04:44,695 --> 00:04:48,394
Thank you.
Now, then, Miss Kane, is it?
108
00:04:49,702 --> 00:04:51,181
Yup.
109
00:04:51,269 --> 00:04:52,619
Um...
110
00:04:53,021 --> 00:04:54,732
Damn, I had something
for this.
111
00:04:54,820 --> 00:04:56,474
- Did ya?
- Actually,
112
00:04:56,562 --> 00:04:59,348
can we maybe
call her back at a, uh,
113
00:04:59,436 --> 00:05:02,771
time later than, um...
Later than now?
114
00:05:02,859 --> 00:05:05,491
You're just a regular
Clarence Darrow.
115
00:05:05,976 --> 00:05:08,044
You may step down.
Thank you.
116
00:05:08,132 --> 00:05:09,238
Call your next witness.
117
00:05:09,326 --> 00:05:11,232
Your Honor, the people call
118
00:05:11,320 --> 00:05:14,037
the defendant's mother,
Malory Archer.
119
00:05:14,125 --> 00:05:16,083
Ooh.
120
00:05:17,437 --> 00:05:20,571
Come on, are we not doing that?
121
00:05:22,536 --> 00:05:25,115
- Ooh.
- Oh, come on.
122
00:05:25,203 --> 00:05:28,021
- Are you kidding me?
- Sit down, sir!
123
00:05:28,109 --> 00:05:30,902
Are you... she's dressed
exactly like Marlene Dietrich
124
00:05:30,990 --> 00:05:32,441
in "Witness
for the Prosecution,"
125
00:05:32,529 --> 00:05:35,544
right down to the hair
and the rakish little beret.
126
00:05:35,742 --> 00:05:37,230
Are you seeing this?
127
00:05:37,318 --> 00:05:39,005
- Are you?
- What?
128
00:05:39,093 --> 00:05:40,373
How the...
129
00:05:40,467 --> 00:05:42,208
Objection. I object.
130
00:05:42,358 --> 00:05:45,119
- To what?
- I will ask the question!
131
00:05:45,611 --> 00:05:46,819
It's actually
the same question.
132
00:05:46,906 --> 00:05:48,763
I don't know.
Everything!
133
00:05:48,851 --> 00:05:50,630
Oh, then I guess
we can all go home.
134
00:05:50,718 --> 00:05:51,542
Can we?
135
00:05:51,630 --> 00:05:52,849
What the hell is happening?
136
00:05:52,937 --> 00:05:53,779
Don't look at me.
137
00:05:53,867 --> 00:05:56,036
God damn it,
TV's Michael Gray.
138
00:05:56,126 --> 00:05:58,453
- Uh, Your Honor...
- Wait, wait, shut up.
139
00:05:58,541 --> 00:05:59,681
You shut up!
140
00:05:59,937 --> 00:06:01,500
Order!
You're out of order!
141
00:06:01,603 --> 00:06:04,169
You're out of order!
You're out of order!
142
00:06:04,257 --> 00:06:06,374
This whole trial
is out of order!
143
00:06:06,462 --> 00:06:08,356
Th-they're out of order!
144
00:06:08,444 --> 00:06:09,763
Everybody shut up!
145
00:06:09,936 --> 00:06:11,894
And you bang that thing
one more time,
146
00:06:11,982 --> 00:06:13,612
I'll break it off
inside you.
147
00:06:13,700 --> 00:06:14,770
Legit phrasing.
148
00:06:14,866 --> 00:06:15,905
Shh! Listen.
149
00:06:15,993 --> 00:06:17,333
Proximity alert.
150
00:06:17,421 --> 00:06:18,216
- What's going on?
- What alert?
151
00:06:18,304 --> 00:06:19,317
Why the hell is there
152
00:06:19,405 --> 00:06:20,286
a proximity...
153
00:06:20,382 --> 00:06:22,106
- Whoa!
- Ow!
154
00:06:22,260 --> 00:06:23,543
-Collision.
- How the...
155
00:06:23,630 --> 00:06:24,653
Who's on the bridge?
156
00:06:24,741 --> 00:06:26,739
Nobody,
because we're all down here
157
00:06:26,827 --> 00:06:29,370
at this goddamn
kangaroo railroad.
158
00:06:29,458 --> 00:06:32,836
- What?
- The... the... the... the... the...
159
00:06:33,010 --> 00:06:34,708
- Choo-choo!
- Krieger!
160
00:06:34,838 --> 00:06:36,380
Why aren't you up there?
161
00:06:36,468 --> 00:06:38,224
Well, then who would do this?
162
00:06:38,380 --> 00:06:40,979
Holy shit, dude,
that's really good.
163
00:06:41,067 --> 00:06:42,209
You don't think
it's derivative?
164
00:06:42,296 --> 00:06:44,042
No, 'cause I don't know
what that is.
165
00:06:44,130 --> 00:06:45,195
It's when...
166
00:06:45,291 --> 00:06:46,817
Krieger!
Status report!
167
00:06:48,473 --> 00:06:49,592
Right?
168
00:06:49,950 --> 00:06:52,542
Okay, uh, we've got
moderate hull damage
169
00:06:52,630 --> 00:06:54,945
- to starboard amidships, um...
- From what?
170
00:06:55,033 --> 00:06:56,651
I don't know.
Jesus.
171
00:06:56,739 --> 00:06:58,667
Turn that thing
to the exterior cameras.
172
00:06:58,755 --> 00:07:00,950
Oh, right.
173
00:07:02,692 --> 00:07:03,856
Oh, my God.
174
00:07:03,944 --> 00:07:05,021
A Dri'n attack barge.
175
00:07:05,108 --> 00:07:06,997
Which means...
176
00:07:07,426 --> 00:07:09,020
Boarding party.
177
00:07:09,145 --> 00:07:11,213
And there ain't no party
like a boarding party
178
00:07:11,301 --> 00:07:13,137
'cause a boarding party
don't stop.
179
00:07:14,748 --> 00:07:17,565
Well, until these
monstrous bastards
180
00:07:17,653 --> 00:07:19,700
have slaked their thirst
for blood.
181
00:07:19,970 --> 00:07:21,893
And let me tell you,
these little devils
182
00:07:21,981 --> 00:07:23,395
are just parched.
183
00:07:24,975 --> 00:07:26,223
I know, right?
184
00:07:26,434 --> 00:07:28,098
Barry-6, out.
185
00:07:28,215 --> 00:07:30,237
Wh-what do we do?
What do we do?
186
00:07:30,325 --> 00:07:31,832
Well, the first thing
we've gotta do...
187
00:07:31,919 --> 00:07:34,192
And I'm sure
we can all agree on this...
188
00:07:34,610 --> 00:07:36,270
Is declare a mistrial.
189
00:07:43,583 --> 00:07:45,667
Come on, man.
What's taking so long?
190
00:07:47,544 --> 00:07:48,770
"Space metal"?
191
00:07:48,895 --> 00:07:51,042
Think about how dumb
that sounds.
192
00:07:51,130 --> 00:07:52,176
Now, come on, let's
193
00:07:52,264 --> 00:07:53,700
peel this banana and...
194
00:07:53,788 --> 00:07:55,083
Take a bite.
195
00:07:55,171 --> 00:07:56,612
I mean, before
they all get away
196
00:07:56,700 --> 00:07:57,815
in an escape pod,
of course.
197
00:07:57,903 --> 00:07:58,903
Cyril!
198
00:07:58,990 --> 00:08:00,262
- Lana...
- You are not...
199
00:08:00,350 --> 00:08:02,051
- I'm serious.
- Abandoning ship.
200
00:08:02,139 --> 00:08:04,755
- Do not make me hit you.
- Excuse me?
201
00:08:04,843 --> 00:08:06,573
No, I...
I didn't mean that.
202
00:08:07,519 --> 00:08:09,004
- Whoa!
- Ow!
203
00:08:09,168 --> 00:08:10,237
Serves you right!
204
00:08:10,325 --> 00:08:11,963
Trying to cut the line
like that!
205
00:08:12,059 --> 00:08:14,325
What...
No one is abandoning ship!
206
00:08:14,426 --> 00:08:15,789
We're gonna stay here
and fight!
207
00:08:15,877 --> 00:08:17,326
I really don't think
we should.
208
00:08:18,272 --> 00:08:19,567
Yeah,
good luck with that.
209
00:08:19,655 --> 00:08:20,981
Meaning?
210
00:08:21,069 --> 00:08:22,653
Meaning those freaksare
literally gonna
211
00:08:22,741 --> 00:08:24,762
- chew you up and spit you out.
- Well...
212
00:08:24,850 --> 00:08:25,897
Or not spit you out.
213
00:08:25,985 --> 00:08:27,599
I don't know about pirate
dining etiquette,
214
00:08:27,686 --> 00:08:29,582
but definitely
the chewing up part.
215
00:08:29,670 --> 00:08:32,335
Well, nobody asked you,
since last I checked,
216
00:08:32,423 --> 00:08:33,856
you're a goddamn mutineer.
217
00:08:33,944 --> 00:08:36,325
Well, the last I checked... and
I'm not being facetious...
218
00:08:36,413 --> 00:08:37,937
- Nice sweater dress.
- What?
219
00:08:38,025 --> 00:08:39,461
- Sweater dress?
- What?
220
00:08:39,549 --> 00:08:41,658
So you think maybe
you arecrazy?
221
00:08:43,518 --> 00:08:44,608
I'm crazy?
222
00:08:44,696 --> 00:08:46,885
- I mean...
- She's crazy if she thinks
223
00:08:46,973 --> 00:08:48,299
she can fight off
an entire barge
224
00:08:48,433 --> 00:08:50,742
full of murderous
Dri'n pirateswithout me.
225
00:08:50,830 --> 00:08:53,721
- Uh, first of all...
- Hull breach.
226
00:08:53,809 --> 00:08:55,784
- Oh, no.
- Oh, that's no good.
227
00:08:55,872 --> 00:08:57,439
Talk about crazy, huh?
228
00:08:58,825 --> 00:09:02,481
Whoo! Now,
that's what I calla nice gash.
229
00:09:05,260 --> 00:09:07,642
No, we're not doing
space phrasing.
230
00:09:08,119 --> 00:09:09,869
Uh, because it's derivative.
231
00:09:09,957 --> 00:09:13,172
- And also because I said so.
- Hull breach.
232
00:09:13,260 --> 00:09:14,451
I'm the only chance
you've got.
233
00:09:14,538 --> 00:09:15,698
He's right,
you know.
234
00:09:15,786 --> 00:09:17,524
Yeah, you gotta let him go.
235
00:09:17,612 --> 00:09:19,313
That, or let us
in that damn pod!
236
00:09:19,401 --> 00:09:20,854
- I vote pod.
- Cyril!
237
00:09:20,942 --> 00:09:23,068
And, I'm sorry,
have we all forgotten
238
00:09:23,156 --> 00:09:25,088
he basically
sexually assaulted me
239
00:09:25,221 --> 00:09:26,690
with a rolled-up magazine?
240
00:09:26,807 --> 00:09:27,992
- No.
- That's evidence.
241
00:09:28,080 --> 00:09:29,002
You're evidence!
242
00:09:29,118 --> 00:09:30,938
And there was nothing
sexual about it.
243
00:09:31,026 --> 00:09:34,619
I don't know.
I thought it was pretty sexy.
244
00:09:36,208 --> 00:09:38,971
On opposite day!
Gross, you guys!
245
00:09:39,059 --> 00:09:40,117
Goddamn.
246
00:09:40,220 --> 00:09:42,385
Lana, I'm sorry
I attacked you.
247
00:09:42,518 --> 00:09:44,391
I honestly don't know
what got into me.
248
00:09:44,479 --> 00:09:47,047
And when this is over,
you can punish me
249
00:09:47,135 --> 00:09:48,369
- however you see fit.
- It's
250
00:09:48,462 --> 00:09:50,360
- howmever.
- Shut up!
251
00:09:50,448 --> 00:09:52,892
But this calls for
some serious swash buckling,
252
00:09:52,980 --> 00:09:56,232
and no one else can buckle
swashes like me, so...
253
00:09:56,406 --> 00:09:58,082
Xenomorphs detected.
254
00:09:58,238 --> 00:10:00,244
- Oh, no!
- Your call.
255
00:10:00,332 --> 00:10:02,104
Xenomorphs detected.
256
00:10:11,195 --> 00:10:13,068
Xenomorphs detected.
257
00:10:13,156 --> 00:10:15,201
You're damn right,
they are.
258
00:10:15,289 --> 00:10:16,865
Get some!
Yeah.
259
00:10:16,953 --> 00:10:19,781
Be a hitter, big un.
And have fun out there.
260
00:10:19,890 --> 00:10:22,443
Oh, hey, and, uh,
if anyone finds Archer,
261
00:10:22,531 --> 00:10:25,476
remember,
he's all mine.
262
00:10:25,812 --> 00:10:27,701
Okay, so Mother...
Here you go...
263
00:10:27,789 --> 00:10:29,420
Is gonna lure them
into the holodeck.
264
00:10:29,508 --> 00:10:30,763
- Why?
- Well, for one thing,
265
00:10:30,851 --> 00:10:31,920
because shut up.
266
00:10:32,008 --> 00:10:33,661
But remember...
Here you go...
267
00:10:33,812 --> 00:10:35,140
If we have to fall back...
268
00:10:35,228 --> 00:10:37,467
And we can probably
go ahead and make that
269
00:10:37,555 --> 00:10:40,170
"when we fall back"...
Here, take some of these...
270
00:10:40,258 --> 00:10:42,037
Fall back to the escape pod.
271
00:10:42,125 --> 00:10:43,836
The pod is the Alamo.
272
00:10:43,924 --> 00:10:45,529
If we're just gonna
go back there,
273
00:10:45,617 --> 00:10:47,060
why'd we leave
in the first place?
274
00:10:47,148 --> 00:10:49,506
Because the goal isn't
to run away so fast,
275
00:10:49,594 --> 00:10:50,935
it makes
your vagina flap.
276
00:10:51,023 --> 00:10:52,490
Plus, all the guns
are in here.
277
00:10:52,578 --> 00:10:53,513
Not all of them.
278
00:10:53,601 --> 00:10:55,076
You got
the sentry guns online?
279
00:10:55,164 --> 00:10:57,146
- Yep, yep, yep.
- Okay.
280
00:10:57,234 --> 00:10:58,365
Here we go!
281
00:11:02,211 --> 00:11:04,213
A and B guns firing.
282
00:11:04,617 --> 00:11:06,060
Wait, wait, wait. At what?
283
00:11:06,148 --> 00:11:07,564
What?
284
00:11:09,273 --> 00:11:12,107
- 80, 60...
- What the shit, Krieger?
285
00:11:12,195 --> 00:11:14,943
40.
286
00:11:15,031 --> 00:11:16,573
That's it.
287
00:11:16,937 --> 00:11:18,951
Then what was the point?
288
00:11:19,039 --> 00:11:20,631
Mm-mm-mm.
Director's cut?
289
00:11:20,719 --> 00:11:21,857
- Ugh.
- Right?
290
00:11:21,945 --> 00:11:23,201
Wait, what?
291
00:11:23,289 --> 00:11:25,452
Uh, did they even hit anybody?
292
00:11:27,250 --> 00:11:29,537
So then just totally pointless.
293
00:11:32,476 --> 00:11:35,077
Unless you lean on them,
you big dummy.
294
00:11:35,211 --> 00:11:37,406
- Okay, Mother...
- Archer!
295
00:11:37,508 --> 00:11:39,842
- That's your cue.
- And just how exactly
296
00:11:39,930 --> 00:11:42,021
am I supposed
to lure those creeps
297
00:11:42,109 --> 00:11:44,945
to the holodeck without
getting myself killed?
298
00:11:46,866 --> 00:11:49,467
Oh, right, right,
right, right, right.
299
00:11:49,555 --> 00:11:50,646
Duh.
300
00:11:50,734 --> 00:11:51,842
♪ Toodles ♪
301
00:11:51,930 --> 00:11:53,508
The rest of you,
follow me.
302
00:11:53,672 --> 00:11:55,998
Move, Cyril.
I want to hear it flap.
303
00:11:57,211 --> 00:11:59,638
Come on, Archer.
You can run, but...
304
00:11:59,726 --> 00:12:02,122
Well, I guess you can hide,
obviously.
305
00:12:02,210 --> 00:12:04,450
But stop doing it
is what I'm saying.
306
00:12:04,538 --> 00:12:05,796
- ♪ Yoo-hoo ♪
- Huh?
307
00:12:05,883 --> 00:12:08,552
Who's up for some
bopping and booping?
308
00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:10,399
I'll bop your boop,
you little...
309
00:12:10,930 --> 00:12:13,271
Why would it be a ruse?
310
00:12:13,359 --> 00:12:14,731
Come on, you mother humpers.
311
00:12:17,304 --> 00:12:20,013
Jeezy Petes,
you really arecrazy!
312
00:12:20,101 --> 00:12:22,265
We're sitting ducks.
There's no cover.
313
00:12:22,353 --> 00:12:24,896
Jesus Christ, do you nerds
really never come down here?
314
00:12:26,444 --> 00:12:28,317
- Oh!
- This is incredible!
315
00:12:28,405 --> 00:12:30,364
I know, right?
Plus, upstairs,
316
00:12:30,452 --> 00:12:32,427
there's a bunch of
hologram whores giving out
317
00:12:32,522 --> 00:12:34,819
old-timey
50-cent blow jobs.
318
00:12:34,913 --> 00:12:37,069
Wait, what makes them
old-timey?
319
00:12:37,157 --> 00:12:38,794
Uh, they're 50 cents?
320
00:12:40,946 --> 00:12:43,101
Hoooo, Mikey Mike!
321
00:12:49,523 --> 00:12:52,011
Whoa!
322
00:12:56,703 --> 00:12:59,131
Is now the best timefor that?
323
00:12:59,219 --> 00:13:01,242
A lot better
than it's about to be.
324
00:13:01,330 --> 00:13:02,634
How many are there?
325
00:13:03,258 --> 00:13:04,454
Scores.
326
00:13:04,602 --> 00:13:06,420
Like, literally scores or...
327
00:13:07,368 --> 00:13:08,889
Cyril, get your shittogether.
328
00:13:08,977 --> 00:13:11,225
Now, listen, you gotta let
'emcome into our killing zone.
329
00:13:11,313 --> 00:13:12,821
Don't just start blasting
away
330
00:13:12,909 --> 00:13:14,174
the second you...- -
331
00:13:14,291 --> 00:13:20,694
Suppressing fire!
332
00:13:25,645 --> 00:13:26,910
Whoo!
333
00:13:33,622 --> 00:13:36,581
- Goddamn, dude.
- Seriously.
334
00:13:36,669 --> 00:13:38,403
You shot all my guys.
335
00:13:38,498 --> 00:13:40,453
Oh, for... way to go, Cyril.
336
00:13:40,604 --> 00:13:41,513
- What?
- "What?"
337
00:13:41,601 --> 00:13:43,037
I'm supposed to be the hero.
338
00:13:43,171 --> 00:13:44,364
- Doing what?
- Seriously, Archer?
339
00:13:44,451 --> 00:13:45,452
- Wow.
- Well?
340
00:13:46,863 --> 00:13:48,655
That is pathetic.
341
00:13:48,743 --> 00:13:50,745
So are sweater vests.
342
00:13:50,833 --> 00:13:52,139
- Huh?
- What's a sweater vest?
343
00:13:52,227 --> 00:13:53,359
Hey, asshole,
344
00:13:53,447 --> 00:13:54,761
you really wanna be
the hero?
345
00:13:54,849 --> 00:13:55,988
I mean...
346
00:13:56,076 --> 00:13:58,165
Then let's just
you and me play.
347
00:13:58,534 --> 00:13:59,691
Danger.
348
00:13:59,779 --> 00:14:01,274
The self-destruct system
349
00:14:01,362 --> 00:14:02,581
is now activated.
350
00:14:03,222 --> 00:14:04,670
Why do we even have that?
351
00:14:04,758 --> 00:14:05,767
What?
How?
352
00:14:05,855 --> 00:14:07,326
Because
the password was...
353
00:14:07,500 --> 00:14:08,777
- "guest."
- Told you.
354
00:14:08,984 --> 00:14:11,441
Detonation in two minutes.
355
00:14:12,659 --> 00:14:13,712
- What?
- Two? No.
356
00:14:13,800 --> 00:14:14,897
I thought I set it for 20.
357
00:14:14,985 --> 00:14:17,025
- Krieger, can you override it?
- Um...
358
00:14:17,113 --> 00:14:19,087
Krieger cannot override it.
359
00:14:19,175 --> 00:14:20,902
- No.
- What do we do? What do we do?
360
00:14:20,993 --> 00:14:23,254
Well, if you hustle,
I bet you can just make it
361
00:14:23,342 --> 00:14:24,615
to the...
362
00:14:27,154 --> 00:14:29,303
Escape pod.
363
00:14:29,391 --> 00:14:31,524
- Come on, everybody. Move it!
- Let's go!
364
00:14:31,611 --> 00:14:32,965
All except you, Archer.
365
00:14:33,140 --> 00:14:34,429
They go.
366
00:14:35,124 --> 00:14:36,418
You stay.
367
00:14:36,506 --> 00:14:37,816
What? No.
368
00:14:37,941 --> 00:14:39,053
Sterling, no!
369
00:14:39,141 --> 00:14:40,986
Mother, it's okay.
You go.
370
00:14:41,074 --> 00:14:43,019
I need to stay here
for a while.
371
00:14:43,107 --> 00:14:43,958
Archer...
372
00:14:44,046 --> 00:14:45,293
Detonation in
373
00:14:45,381 --> 00:14:46,777
90 seconds.
374
00:14:46,865 --> 00:14:48,013
Go!
375
00:14:48,123 --> 00:14:49,154
Son of a...
376
00:14:49,669 --> 00:14:51,294
Come on.
377
00:14:51,500 --> 00:14:53,983
No, no, no, no, no, no!
Sterling!
378
00:14:57,097 --> 00:14:58,035
Moms, huh?
379
00:14:58,123 --> 00:15:00,944
So you're willing to die
just to make sure I do?
380
00:15:01,031 --> 00:15:02,468
- Yep.
- Why?
381
00:15:02,555 --> 00:15:04,950
Because, Archer,
a long time ago
382
00:15:05,038 --> 00:15:08,707
in a galaxy far, far away,
you put your nasty dick
383
00:15:08,795 --> 00:15:11,058
in my fiancée's butthole.
384
00:15:11,639 --> 00:15:13,858
Wait, wait, wait, that...
That's what this is about?
385
00:15:13,946 --> 00:15:16,172
- Oh, yes.
- Uh, what was her name?
386
00:15:16,453 --> 00:15:18,241
- Simone?
- Framboise!
387
00:15:18,427 --> 00:15:19,780
Detonation in
388
00:15:19,868 --> 00:15:22,303
- 60 seconds.
- Jesus Christ.
389
00:15:22,444 --> 00:15:24,918
Well, if it's any consolation,
Barry,
390
00:15:25,006 --> 00:15:26,576
I can't even remember
what she looks li...
391
00:15:28,537 --> 00:15:30,538
- Go, go, go, go, go!
- But wait!
392
00:15:30,701 --> 00:15:32,881
- Couldn't we...
- Malory, we need to move.
393
00:15:32,991 --> 00:15:34,959
- We've only got...
- Detonation in
394
00:15:35,069 --> 00:15:36,325
30 seconds.
395
00:15:36,413 --> 00:15:38,772
- That.
- No, no, no, wait!
396
00:15:39,809 --> 00:15:41,707
Wait.
Just wait a second.
397
00:15:41,795 --> 00:15:42,834
- Wait.
- What?
398
00:15:44,205 --> 00:15:46,250
Chicken butt.
399
00:15:47,251 --> 00:15:48,644
Chicken butt, Barry!
400
00:15:48,818 --> 00:15:52,082
Detonation in 15 seconds.
401
00:15:52,256 --> 00:15:54,288
Escape pod launched.
402
00:15:54,433 --> 00:15:55,700
Yes!
403
00:15:55,788 --> 00:15:57,170
They're safe, Barry.
404
00:15:57,258 --> 00:15:58,910
Detonation in ten...
405
00:15:58,998 --> 00:16:00,535
- Are they?
- Nine...
406
00:16:00,623 --> 00:16:02,254
- What?
- Eight...
407
00:16:02,342 --> 00:16:04,116
- Are they safe?
- Seven...
408
00:16:04,209 --> 00:16:05,543
- Yes.
- Six...
409
00:16:05,631 --> 00:16:07,012
So you're the big man, huh?
410
00:16:07,100 --> 00:16:08,871
- Five...
- Yes, Barry, I am.
411
00:16:08,959 --> 00:16:10,723
- Four...
- I'm huge.
412
00:16:10,811 --> 00:16:12,193
- Three...
- Not what Framboise said.
413
00:16:12,280 --> 00:16:13,536
- Two...
- Oh, really?
414
00:16:13,623 --> 00:16:14,732
- Because...
- One.
415
00:16:14,819 --> 00:16:16,850
Shit, I had something for...
416
00:16:17,077 --> 00:16:19,588
Ignition.
417
00:16:30,493 --> 00:16:33,951
Ramp-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ge!
418
00:16:34,251 --> 00:16:35,512
Ugh.
419
00:16:35,600 --> 00:16:38,477
Sterling Malory Archer.
420
00:16:38,564 --> 00:16:40,592
Code name Duchess.
421
00:16:40,686 --> 00:16:41,879
So here's the thing.
422
00:16:41,967 --> 00:16:44,200
I need to access
my operations account,
423
00:16:44,288 --> 00:16:45,583
and you're preventing that.
424
00:16:45,671 --> 00:16:47,114
Now, we can do this easy,
425
00:16:47,202 --> 00:16:48,538
or we can do it hard.
426
00:16:48,626 --> 00:16:51,733
The thought of me
dead gives you an erection?
427
00:16:51,821 --> 00:16:53,199
Jesus Christ!
428
00:16:53,287 --> 00:16:54,756
Your call.
429
00:16:55,457 --> 00:16:57,377
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
430
00:16:57,465 --> 00:16:59,250
Drink, drink,
drink, drink!
431
00:16:59,337 --> 00:17:00,766
Ow! Ow!
432
00:17:01,040 --> 00:17:02,045
Bawk! Bawk!
433
00:17:02,133 --> 00:17:04,506
- Archer!
- I'm coming!
434
00:17:04,594 --> 00:17:05,856
Phrasing, boom!
435
00:17:10,672 --> 00:17:12,442
Okay, let's try that a...
Oh, shit!
436
00:17:13,797 --> 00:17:15,078
Survey says...
437
00:17:15,608 --> 00:17:17,231
Don't try to doanything stupid.
438
00:17:17,319 --> 00:17:19,534
I don't have to try.
439
00:17:23,856 --> 00:17:25,600
I'll show you who's boss.
440
00:17:25,733 --> 00:17:27,694
How do you like that?
441
00:17:30,703 --> 00:17:32,065
Hey, asshole!
442
00:17:32,153 --> 00:17:33,348
Lana.
443
00:17:34,805 --> 00:17:36,077
Lana.
444
00:17:37,366 --> 00:17:38,317
Lana!
445
00:17:40,680 --> 00:17:41,900
Lanaaaaaaaa!
446
00:17:41,988 --> 00:17:43,033
What?
447
00:17:43,139 --> 00:17:44,251
♪ Danger zone ♪
448
00:17:44,338 --> 00:17:45,948
Sterling Archer,
449
00:17:46,123 --> 00:17:48,280
I'd like you to meet your daughter,
450
00:17:48,491 --> 00:17:49,522
Abbiejean.
451
00:17:49,610 --> 00:17:51,686
Why is that
who named like me?
452
00:17:51,774 --> 00:17:53,319
Because he's your son,
453
00:17:53,407 --> 00:17:55,496
you colossal idiot.
454
00:17:55,584 --> 00:17:57,489
Until you can look
at your mother
455
00:17:57,577 --> 00:17:59,772
and see her
not just as your mother
456
00:17:59,860 --> 00:18:01,020
but as a person...
457
00:18:01,166 --> 00:18:03,405
When have I everbeen
honest with Sterling?
458
00:18:03,493 --> 00:18:04,528
You can't grow up.
459
00:18:05,748 --> 00:18:07,631
Honey, you still got it.
460
00:18:07,764 --> 00:18:10,569
♪ Bow-chicka-bow-bow,
a-huh-huh ♪
461
00:18:10,803 --> 00:18:12,019
Pretty much
my whole life,
462
00:18:12,106 --> 00:18:14,551
my default setting
has been half-ass.
463
00:18:14,647 --> 00:18:15,897
Whoo-who cares?
464
00:18:15,985 --> 00:18:18,405
Imagine as I literally
beat you to death
465
00:18:18,537 --> 00:18:20,803
that a giant hand
has turned my dial
466
00:18:20,891 --> 00:18:24,377
from half-ass
to quadruple-ass.
467
00:18:30,104 --> 00:18:32,135
Oh, booyakasha!
468
00:18:32,237 --> 00:18:35,458
I've been shot, stabbed,
set on fire, poisoned, shot,
469
00:18:35,553 --> 00:18:37,840
sexually assaulted,
partially chewed,
470
00:18:37,928 --> 00:18:40,084
shot,
and declared legally dead
471
00:18:40,172 --> 00:18:41,489
twice on the same day.
472
00:18:41,577 --> 00:18:42,989
Think you might have
a problem.
473
00:18:43,077 --> 00:18:44,715
Yeah, Lana,
it's called cancer.
474
00:18:46,357 --> 00:18:47,785
Archer?
475
00:18:47,873 --> 00:18:50,056
- Are you...
- The man who cheated death?
476
00:18:53,147 --> 00:18:54,645
I might be immortal.
477
00:18:54,733 --> 00:18:57,019
Archer!
478
00:18:58,804 --> 00:19:00,284
This close.
479
00:19:00,458 --> 00:19:02,329
♪ Rebound ♪
480
00:19:02,460 --> 00:19:08,084
♪ Rebound
481
00:19:09,293 --> 00:19:12,078
Goddamn Barry.
482
00:19:13,366 --> 00:19:14,906
- Mother?
- Sterling?
483
00:19:14,994 --> 00:19:16,304
W-w-wait, what are you...
What are you...
484
00:19:16,391 --> 00:19:17,314
I... I...
485
00:19:17,431 --> 00:19:19,317
I know you didn't
just break
486
00:19:19,405 --> 00:19:20,871
another glass in here,
487
00:19:20,959 --> 00:19:23,106
because if I told you once,
I told you...
488
00:19:23,194 --> 00:19:25,614
My Lord Jesus!
God!
489
00:19:25,702 --> 00:19:27,489
Gladys!
He's awake!
490
00:19:27,577 --> 00:19:30,873
- He's awake!
- Yeah, um, duh.
491
00:19:30,983 --> 00:19:32,473
Wh-why am I in a hospital?
492
00:19:32,561 --> 00:19:35,200
You were shot
by a crazy woman.
493
00:19:35,288 --> 00:19:37,035
Just like Eddie Waitkus!
494
00:19:37,123 --> 00:19:38,465
- Who?
- Don't get him started.
495
00:19:38,553 --> 00:19:39,731
Oh, man.
496
00:19:39,819 --> 00:19:41,529
For a second there,
I thought maybe the booze
497
00:19:41,616 --> 00:19:42,621
had caught up with me.
498
00:19:42,709 --> 00:19:44,389
Ooh, speaking of...
499
00:19:45,240 --> 00:19:47,817
- With me standing right here?
- He's gonna need it.
500
00:19:47,905 --> 00:19:50,778
Wait, why?
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
501
00:19:50,866 --> 00:19:52,850
H-how long have I been here?
502
00:19:53,686 --> 00:19:55,381
- Mother?
- Sterling-
503
00:19:55,469 --> 00:19:56,950
- Mother, how long
have I been here?
504
00:19:58,319 --> 00:20:00,039
- Three years.
- What?
505
00:20:00,170 --> 00:20:02,085
No.
Three...
506
00:20:02,272 --> 00:20:04,231
Wait, not... no.
No, no, no.
507
00:20:04,319 --> 00:20:06,155
Y-you want me to call
Dr. Gorenstein?
508
00:20:06,243 --> 00:20:08,270
Oh, please.
You think he could be bothered?
509
00:20:08,358 --> 00:20:10,397
At midnight on a Sunday?
510
00:20:11,553 --> 00:20:13,404
Plus, what would
his mistress say?
511
00:20:15,271 --> 00:20:16,801
So bad.
512
00:20:16,889 --> 00:20:19,434
Wait, why are you here
at midnight on a Sunday?
513
00:20:19,522 --> 00:20:21,669
Well, I, um...
514
00:20:21,928 --> 00:20:23,207
She's always here.
515
00:20:23,295 --> 00:20:25,998
Oh, now, not always.
516
00:20:36,554 --> 00:20:39,022
Let me get you
some ice chips.
517
00:20:40,558 --> 00:20:42,012
For three years?
518
00:20:42,100 --> 00:20:44,257
I wanted to be here
when you woke up.
519
00:20:47,092 --> 00:20:49,115
Okay, so, like,
520
00:20:49,233 --> 00:20:50,934
wh-wh-what about Lana?
521
00:20:51,022 --> 00:20:53,426
- Lana?
- Hey, wait, do I have a kid?
522
00:20:53,514 --> 00:20:57,006
There's plenty of time to
talk about all of that.
523
00:20:57,381 --> 00:21:00,230
The important thingis that
you're back
524
00:21:00,404 --> 00:21:01,723
and we're together.
525
00:21:01,811 --> 00:21:03,762
Um, uh, okay.
526
00:21:03,850 --> 00:21:06,067
After all, the real story's
527
00:21:06,155 --> 00:21:08,278
always been
about you and me.
528
00:21:08,366 --> 00:21:09,629
What are you...
529
00:21:09,717 --> 00:21:11,764
Which, when you think about it,
530
00:21:11,998 --> 00:21:13,765
at its heart,
531
00:21:14,280 --> 00:21:16,209
it's really a love story.
532
00:21:16,350 --> 00:21:19,045
Please, Mother,
don't say that.
533
00:21:19,377 --> 00:21:20,857
It's true.
534
00:21:23,014 --> 00:21:24,442
Ugh!
535
00:21:26,063 --> 00:21:28,483
Corrections done by srjanapala
536
00:21:54,501 --> 00:21:58,200
Made in Georgia.
36602
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