Original subtitles

Get away! Get away! No!

Go on away! Go on away!

Here, boy, here.

What's the matter?

Dr. Terwilliker, what happened?

What's going on around here?

Dreaming again. I can't leave the room for five minutes.

-What were you dreaming about this time? -I was being chased by men with nets.

Nets. Why can't you dream about practicing the piano?

I'll try.

Don't you realize if you don't practice you'll never become a concert pianist?

Practice makes perfect.

I'm trying to practice.

One month to learn that before I present all my pupils in a grand concert.

I'm not going to let one dreary little boy humiliate me. Do you understand?

I don't think the piano's my instrument.

What other instruments are there, pray tell?

Scratchy violins? Screechy piccolos?

Nauseating trumpets? et cetera, et cetera!

We'll make a Paderewski of you yet.

Who?

- Paderewski. - Oh.

Now, I want you to practice and practice and practice...

until you are perfect.

Good day, young man.

Well, that's my problem.

Dr. Terwilliker's the only enemy I've got.

I can't think of one nice thing to say about him...

because there isn't any.

Bart, darling!

That's my mother. I like her.

I try to be everything she wants me to be...

particularly since my father died.

But, boy, she's as hipped on the piano as Dr. Terwilliker.

Watch.

Is that as loud as you can play?

Now, now, sweetheart, not that loud.

And not that soft.

Bart, I hate to hound you.

I know you think I'm a slave driver, but you really are missing the beats.

Like Dr. Terwilliker says in the book-

Ten little dancing maidens dancing, oh, so fine

Ten happy little fingers and they're mine, all mine

They're mine

They're mine

Now, isn't that just fine

Not three, not five

Not seven and not nine

But ten, all dancing straight in line

And all of them

Are mine, mine, mine

Yes, they are mine, all mine

That's better. Now you have it.

I'll get it!

Bart!

I'll get it. I'll get it.

Oh, Peggy.

Ten little dancing maidens dancing, oh, so fine

Ten happy little fingers and they're mine, all mine

They're mine

They're mine

Now, isn't that just fine

Not three, not five

Not seven and not nine

But ten all dancing straight in line

And all of them are mine, mine, mine

Yes, they are mine, all mine

That's Bart you hear.

Still hates it like poison.

Sometimes I think that Dr. Terwilliker...

has my mother hypnotized.

Holy mackerel, I bet you that she-

That noise you hear is my friend, Mr. Zabladowski, the plumber.

He knows all about the piano.

He's afraid to say so in front of my mother.

He thinks Dr. Terwilliker is a real racketeer.

Double phony.

Don't give me any more trouble. Your job is pianos, my job is sinks.

Tell me, is Dr. Terwilliker really a racketeer?

Did you tell him Dr. Terwilliker was a racketeer?

Oh, I did not.

Keys, darling.

Now look here, you may be the very best plumber in town...

but when it comes to piano lessons, I hardly think you qualify as an expert.

I'm not trying to qualify as anything.

You certainly aren't helping me maintain discipline.

It's not easy to bring up a boy without a father.

I realize that. And maybe you're right.

Maybe even if he never learns the piano, maybe the discipline's good for him.

Maybe.

There are no maybes about it.

I assure you, I know what's good for him.

He'll learn to play that piano if I have to keep him at that keyboard forever.

Forever?

Dr. Terwilliker says I gotta practice.

Practice makes perfect.

Practice makes perfect.

Not bad.

But not good.

That's still not loud enough, not fast enough.

Rhythm's still off. Still misses the beats.

- What? - It takes time.

It takes years.

Sometimes it actually does take forever.

What?

My little watch tells me that's all we can hope to do today.

Tomorrow, however- Oh, tomorrow, what a day.

- At 6:00 a.m., the others will arrive. - What others?

You don't think I built this great piano just for you.

Have you no concept that I am on the eve of my greatest triumph?

Tomorrow, I will fulfill the dream of my lifetime.

Tomorrow...

the Terwilliker institute- my "happy finger" institute-

Tomorrow, we will celebrate the official grand opening.

Tomorrow, down below me I will have 500 little boys.

Five thousand little fingers.

And they'll be mine, all mine.

Practicing 2 4 hours a day...

365 days a year!

I don't believe it! This is crazy!

Who are you to tell me what is crazy?

Away! Go back to your cell.

And put on your official Terwilliker beanie.

"Happy fingers"?

Here!

Sport! Sporty!

Practice makes perfect. Practice makes perfect.

Bartholomew Collins!

The years you spend with Dr. Terwilliker...

will be the happiest years of your life.

But if you get homesick, don't try to escape.

The barbed wire around the Terwilliker Institute...

is electrified!

Mr. Zabladowski!

- Please, Bart. I'm a very busy plumber. - What are you doing here?

What I'm always doing- putting in sinks.

- For what? - That's obvious.

Before Terwilliker can open this institute...

he's got to make the whole joint sanitary.

Got to have the proper sinkage for 500 kids.

That's my department...

and that's your cell.

I gotta get outta here.

Relax. Don't take these little things so seriously.

- After all, since your mother's here- - My mother's here?

That's a silly question. You know very well she's in the number two spot.

The number two spot?

Second in charge of the whole "happy finger" racket.

My ma couldn't be mixed up in any racket.

Look, partner, I hate to speak badly about mothers.

After all, motherhood is the noblest institution in our land.

But the fact remains that your ma is number two at headquarters right now.

She wouldn't keep me in a place like this.

- I gotta see her. - I wouldn't advise it.

- You'll never make it. - I can try.

Well, I wouldn't try.

I know. All you'd ever try for is time and a half for overtime.

Terwilliker Institute. Collins speaking.

Yes, madam, the official grand opening is tomorrow morning.

Your son will be picked up by bus at 5:00 a.m. sharp.

Collins speaking.

No, madam, most definitely not.

Your son will not be allowed to bring his baseball.

Dr. Terwilliker does not believe in baseballs, golf balls or tennis balls...

Ping-Pong balls, snowballs, croquet balls or hockey pucks.

Dr. Terwilliker believes only in the piano.

Now see here, you beanie makers.

This final batch just isn't up to snuff. Take a look at those fingers.

Would you say they were happy fingers?

They should be gay, carefree, happy fingers.

Fix them, if you have to stay up all night.

Mom!

Why are you standing there with that null-and-void expression?

No, don't tell me.

I know the workings of your mind, Mrs. Collins.

You've been thinking of your son again.

How many times must I tell you to burn that picture?

You've room in your life but for one picture. My picture, Mrs. Collins!

Your future husband!

Have I not graciously condescended to take your hand in marriage tomorrow...

immediately following the official grand opening?

Sergeant Lunk reporting to headquarters.

Cell number one- the boy is not in it.

The boy is not in it? Well, search for him! Find him!

Yes, sir, Dr. Terwilliker, sir.

Your son. And you said he could be trusted.

Tonight of all nights, the very night before my institute opens...

and your son dares to flaunt my authority.

So he doesn't like the neat, clean, comfortable cell I've given him, eh?

Very well. From now on, he doesn't have to sleep there.

From now on, Mrs. Collins, your boy sleeps in the dungeons!

Mrs. Collins...

turn on searchlights number one to fifty, inclusive!

Pursuit Squadron A! Where in thunderation are you?

We're working north, sir...

from the barbed wire on the south side.

Good.

Where's Pursuit Squadron B?

We're working south, sir...

from the barbed wire on the north side.

Mrs. Collins, searchlights 50 to 90, inclusive!

Twin guards! Where are you?

Judson! Whitney!

We're down here, sir, searching the piano.

Idiots! The piano would be the last place he would hide!

Search the alleys! Beat the bushes! Comb the turrets! Shake the trees!

That boy might be anywhere.

He might even be in this building.

Mrs. Collins, light this building!

Pull manifold switch 102!

No, Sport! Sport, no! Go away! Go on!

Fine.

Am I glad to see you.

Get out of there. You scared me.

What are you doing? Simmer down. What's up?

- They're after me. - Who?

- Practically everybody. - Well, I'm not.

- I'm in terrible trouble. - So? Everyone gets into trouble.

Everyone in the world. The king of Persia sometimes gets into trouble.

But the king of Persia, does he come crawling out of my air vent? Not at all.

The king of Persia, he stays in Persia.

But it's my ma. Dr. Terwilliker's got her.

You should see the things that go on. I need your help.

My heart bleeds for you...

but if I don't get these sinks installed in the cells, I don't get paid.

You're not going to help me?

You would get involved if you knew the truth.

- What truth? - The truth about my mother.

She's in a terrible fix. Dr. Terwilliker's got her buffaloed.

I am entirely too busy to sit around and talk about buffaloes.

- But you're my only hope. -just give up hope right here and now.

Boy, I'd hate to have you for a father.

What makes you think I'd want to be your father?

My mother's going to marry Dr. Terwilliker.

Congratulations.

He's even worse than you are.

Well, children seldom have a choice of parents...

and that, perhaps, is a good thing too.

If kids had their way, practically no parents would be born at all.

- What are you doing? - Rowing a boat.

- What for? - I'm going fishing.

They're gonna drop a net over you.

- Now what are you doing? -just casting.

For big-mouth bass.

Okay, okay, for big-mouth bass.

If you're gonna cast, cast right.

Move over. First, reel in your line. You've got entirely too much slack.

Once you get it in, pick it up and flick it like a baseball. See?

Look at that fish jump!

He's a whopper. Now watch this delicate maneuver.

- I got him! - You got him! You got him!

Don't yank him! You'll lose him!

You're letting your line get tangled! You're gonna get snagged!

A Zabladowski never gets snagged. Take it easy.

Partner, get the net.

Take it easy. You'll tip over the boat.

Put it underneath it. There!

Get a load of that beautiful bass. Weighs 7 pounds if it weighs an ounce.

- Now I'll have to clean the darn thing. - Don't worry, I'll clean it.

- Relax. I'll row you back to camp. - I can handle my share of the work.

I'll take care of the oars.

You be the captain, I'll be the crew.

Think I'll just coast for a while.

Dream stuff,dream stuff

Funny thing about this dream stuff

First it's there

Then nowhere

Dream stuff,dream stuff

Ever fleeting, ever shifting

Yet we could keep it from drifting

If we'd only dare

Grasp that world

You've been to

Carry it right into

Bright blue day

Feel it

Seal it

Don't let anybody steal it

Most of all, keep any doubt away

Then you can make it stay

Dream stuff,dream stuff

Ever fleeting, ever shifting

Yet we could keep it from drifting

If we'd only dare

Grasp that world

You've been to

Carry it right into

Bright blue day

Feel it

Seal it

Don't let anybody steal it

Most of all, keep any doubt away

Then you can

Make it stay

Yeah, I know what happens now.

In the middle of the night you'll start sneezing, then coughing.

You may even come down with pneumonia. At a time like this, with no penicillin.

This doesn't make sense. The fishing trip is off.

- You're not gonna help me? - No, I'm not.

- But my mother's a prisoner. - I don't believe it.

Look, Mr. Zabladowski...

I promise not to disturb you anymore.

I promise to stay out of your hair.

I promise to do anything you want me to, if you'll just go and take a look.

You are a sly...

deceiving, scheming little coot.

So I'll "just go and take a look."

Come on. You want to be a hero. Come on.

As soon as we get there, we'll rush in, grab her and carry her away to safety.

Relax. I'll take a look, like I promised.

But you'll stay here, and you'll behave yourself.

She doesn't look like a prisoner.

But she is.

All right, I'll go ask her.

Wow.

Say, Dr. Terwilliker-

- Where'd you study? - I just picked it up.

Why try to put the whammy on me? I just came up here to take a look.

Now that you've had your look, begone.

Whatever your duties in my institute may be...

return to your post and resume your labors.

No, I won't. I've come to the conclusion that I'm not putting in any more sinks.

But, dear Mr. Zabladowski, you must.

Without sinks, the county sink inspector won't certify the place as sanitary.

And we won't be able to open tomorrow.

That's perfectly all right with me. Good-bye.

Please. I'm sure it's all been a mistake.

Dear Dr. Terwilliker thought you were an intruder.

It was a case of mistaken identity.

Wasn't it, Dr. Terwilliker?

Of course, dear boy.

Whether you know it or not...

you are a cog in this great operation.

I'm no cog. I don't even like the sound of it.

I am an independent contractor.

Well, let me put it this way.

You're a key man and a valuable ally.

A big wheel within all my wheels.

You, if I may say so, alone, of all my people...

are the...

indispensable man.

Well, that's probably true, but I'm still not satisfied.

-I've heard rumors about your operation. -Rumors?

Scuttlebutt!

I can tell you all about the rumors.

I'm a villain.

I'm a loathsome...

racketeer.

This money you see before you...

I've stolen it from the pocketbooks...

of unsuspecting mothers.

Filthy...

lying...

rumors!

This is a problem that every great man faces.

The rumors of corruption that breeds in high places.

Rumors seeking to discredit my noble aims.

And now these rumors have crept into my own house...

vilifying and besmirching my honesty...

my fair name...

my integrity.

You talk a lot, but I don't know how much you say.

There's nothing to these silly rumors.

The sole purpose of our endeavor is the musical betterment of American youth.

The way you put it, it doesn't sound so bad.

Oh, you're a sensitive, intelligent and highly creative person.

Let's talk this over. I'm sure we can get together.

I've still got my doubts. Serious doubts.

Make yourself comfortable. Relax.

Have a smoke. Have a cigar.

Don't mind if I do.

Something to eat?

Hot cakes, layer cakes, fish cakes, peanut brittle...

the blue plate special or chicken pot pie.

I don't mind if I do.

Something to drink?

Schnapps, sake, slivovitz, Schwepps...

tequila, turtle tears or just plain cocoa.

- I have no objection. - Oh, but wait.

For such a distinguished guest, the pride of our cellars.

Vintage pickle juice.

From our very own pickle vineyards.

Just whiff that bouquet.

Cheers.

- Shall we dance? - Don't mind if I do.

Come on It's time we got together

'Cause it's get-together weather

And in get-together weather together is just what we got to get

Come on The weatherman's insisting

This is weather beyond resisting

This is get-together weather

Together is just what we got to get

What wonderful weather to go on an outing

What wonderful weather to run around shouting

What wonderful weather for love to be sprouting

It's mighty fine weather I hope that it stays

What glorious weather for zipping and zooming

What glorious weather for hearts to be blooming

What glorious weather for briding and grooming

It's mighty fine weather we're having these days

Come on The weatherman's reporting

That the weather's right for sporting

And for love and assorted courting

Together is just what we got to get

What marvelous weather for cooing and billing

For yodeling, warbling gargling, trilling

What marvelous weather for dally-down-dilling

What marvelous weather Hey, hey, what a day

What fabulous weather for loping and leaping

What fabulous weather for bipping and beeping

For schnipping and schnupping and schnooping and schneeping

What fabulous weather Oy vey, what a day

Come on The weatherman's announcing

That the weather's right for flouncing

And for b-b-b-b-b-bouncing

This is get-together weather

Together is just what we got to get

Come on The weatherman's announcing

That the weather's right for flouncing

And for b-b-b-b-b-bouncing

This is get-together weather

Together is just what we got

To get

Well, that was a pleasant little interlude.

Now get back to your work, Mr. Zabladowski.

Thanks, Doctor. I had a very good time.

You can count on me, sir.

Cigar?

Good-bye, Mrs. Collins.

Mrs. Collins, get me the physics laboratory.

Yes, sir.

One moment, please.

Physics laboratory.

When the plumber Zabladowski has installed the last sink...

I want him disintegrated.

I want you to disintegrate him slowly.

I want him to suffer, atom by atom.

At dawn.

Mrs. Collins, you had better come with me.

You're beginning to build up an immunity to my little hypnotic trances.

I think you'd better spend tonight...

in your lock-me-tight.

- Please, Dr. Terwilliker. - There's too much at stake.

There'll be no further liaisons tonight with the plumber Zabladowski.

You. You get out of my life. You lied to me.

- I did not. - You did so.

There's nothing wrong with that Dr. Terwilliker.

He's daffy at times, but he sets a fine table and gave me this excellent cigar.

But how about my mother?

Say, there is a beautiful woman. And as soon as I get the sinks in-

You were tricked, Mr. Zabladowski.

Sure, I was tricked. You tricked me.

But I have terrible news for you- they're gonna disintegrate you at dawn.

You're crazy. You're lying again. Get outta here. I got work to do.

Listen to a kid, it gives you nothing but trouble.

Get back to your cell.

Go on!

Now,just because we're kids

Because we're sort of small

Because we're closer to the ground

And you are bigger pound by pound

You have no right

You have no right

To push and shove us little kids around

Now,just because your throat

Has got a deeper voice

And lots of wind to blow it out

At little kids who don't dare shout

You have no right

You have no right

To boss and beat us little kids about

just because you've whiskers on your face to shave

You treat us like a slave

So what It's only hair

just because you wear a wallet near your heart

You think you're twice as smart

You know that isn't fair

But we'll grow up some day

And when we do, I pray

We won't just grow in size and sound

And just be bigger pound by pound

I'd hate to grow

Like some I know

Who push and shove

Us little kids around

Hey, kid!

Hey, Bart, come here.

Would it help if I said I was sorry?

No, 'cause you're not a bit sorry.

Come here, Bart, over here.

I just wanna get one thing straight- I didn't mean to push you around.

I don't like anybody that pushes anybody around.

Now, do you believe me?

Well...

maybe.

Right now I don't like you very much.

I'm a likable fellow when you get to know me.

I'm not so sure anymore.

Well, how can we be friends again?

Well...

you could take out those sinks.

What good would that do?

It would stop Terwilliker from opening this place, and my ma would be saved.

I told you, I wouldn't worry about your ma.

You wouldn't, but I would.

Look, let's make sense, shall we?

How can I start taking sinks out when I'm being paid to put sinks in?

Time and a half overtime. That's a lot of money.

- How much are you being paid overtime? - Two thousand pastoolas.

Two thousand what?

Two thousand pastoolas. Dr. T. doesn't pay me in American money.

He keeps that for himself. He pays me in pastoolas.

What are pastoolas?

The currency here is a little strange.

First of all comes the drakmids.

At the normal rate of exchange...

there are 59 drakmids to one silver zlobek.

Zlobek?

Three silver zlobeks make one golden kratchmuk.

A pastoola normally is 44,000 kratchmuks.

But these, they tell me, are not normal times, so-

Pastoolas, kratchmuks. How much do you get American?

Precisely 20 bucks. Show me a better job, and I'll take it.

- You will? - Oh, sure, sure.

- Will you take the sinks out for $30? - Oh, sure, sure.

- Will you shake on that? - Oh, sure.

- Mr. Zabladowski, you work for me now. - Okay, boss man.

I'm gonna get you all the money you want.

Wait, Bart! Come back!

I was only kidding! I don't care anything about money!

Mom! Mom!

- I don't recollect your features, do I? - No.

- You a piccolo player? - No.

- Trombone player? - No.

- Violin player? - No. A piano player.

Then you have no right in this particular dungeon.

This is reserved exclusive for non-piano players.

Non-piano players?

For them what play all other instruments.

One by one, Dr. Terwilliker catches them...

brings them down here and locks them up.

Pretty soon there will be no musicians left in this world...

excepting for them what play the piano.

I'm taking you back to Dr. Terwilliker.

Attention, all guards!

The number one boy is in the lower dungeons.

Bring him in, dead or alive!

Attention, all guards!

The number one boy is in the lower dungeons!

Bring him in, dead or alive!

So, you didn't believe me.

- Your life isn't worth a pastoola. - People should always believe in kids.

- They should even believe their lies. - Now are you gonna help me?

From here on in, partner, we're in this thing together.

- You've welched out on me before. - But I give you my word of honor.

I'm taking no chances. We're gonna seal this oath in blood.

Won't that be a little messy?

Oh, no, Bart, not after four years in the army. I don't have to-

- Give me your thumb. - Ouch.

- Doesn't really hurt. - It does so.

Do you, Mr. Zabladowski, promise to be...

- trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly? - I do.

- Courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful? - I do.

- Thrifty, brave, clean and reverent? - I do.

Well, that's it, Pop.

- "Pop"? - This makes you my old man.

Yeah, I guess you're right. I guess it does at that.

Then let's get going. We've got to save your wife.

My "wife"? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, my wife. Come on.

Wait a second. There's a whole regiment of soldiers out there.

- Any other way to get to headquarters? - There's one other way.

Follow me. Come on.

We might need this.

Mom. Wake up. Wake up.

Why, Bartholomew.

Go away! Don't let him catch you!

- Go home! - Don't worry. We're all going home!

"All going home"? Who is this with you?

August Zabladowski, your plumber and husband. Stand back.

- Thank you, dear August. - Thank you, my dear-

- Say, what is her first name? - It's Eloise.

Come on. There's no time for any mush stuff.

We can't get out. The twins are at the end of the tunnel.

The twins, huh? I'm getting sick and tired of being pushed around.

- Get me a snort of that pickle juice. - You shouldn't drink it. It's dynamite.

Go on. Get it. I'll show those Siamese hooligans.

If they want to fight on skates, I'll fight 'em on skates.

Here's to our future, if we have one.

Now, now,just don't be too heroic, dear August.

- August, you were magnificent! - We're a magnificent family.

- Come on. Let's get out of here. - Yeah, Pop!

We won, we won, we won!

I, on the other hand...

am inclined to doubt that statement.

You play a rather spirited game, Mr. Plumber...

but the final score is the thing that counts.

My side is still on top.

Your side is on the bottom.

Terwilliker Institute

- Hooray for us - Hooray for us

- Hurrah for us - Hurrah for us

We're rough, we're tough we're on the ball

We're gruesome one We're gruesome all

Unthinkable, stinkable, horrible us

Hooray, we are victorious Victorious

Now isn't that too glorious

Our nasty team notorious

Us gruesome, grimy, gory us

Us stinkers are victorious

We ain't too neat We ain't too bright

But nevertheless we won tonight

Unthinkable, stinkable, horrible us

Hooray, we are victorious Victorious

Terwilliker, we sing to thee

Our cruel, black hearts we bring to thee

For crime and slimy villainy

Terwilliker Academy

Oh, the walls are green with ivy down at Harvard

And down at Princeton and old Purdue

In old Purdue

So what, they think they're smart with all their ivy

Us at Terwilliker got ivy too

Got ivy too

Yeah, hail to thee our hallowed halls

We got poison ivy walls

Pooh on Harvard, Yale and such

We got ivy they can't touch

Poison-ivy-covered walls

Hail to thee our hallowed halls

Hallowed halls

Terwilliker Thy name we praise

We love thy foul and loathsome ways

Thy crummy criminality

Terwilliker Academy

Alma mater Alma mater

Never, ever could be greater

Rotten as a bad tomater

Alma mater

We're rough, we're tough we're on the ball

We're gruesome one We're gruesome all

Unthinkable, stinkable, horrible us

Hooray, hooray

We are victorious

Alas, poor Judson. Alas, poor Whitney.

I knew them.

Fellows of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy.

My gorge rises at their fate!

You shall be avenged!

Tomorrow's opening concert...

will be dedicated to your memory.

And you will return to your lock-me-tight.

You will remain there until I release you for the official grand opening.

The work for the "happy finger" method must go on.

And you, and you will follow me!

Allow me to express my deepest appreciation, pal.

Without your kind assistance, I never would have been here at all.

Down, please.

First floor dungeon

Assorted simple tortures

Molten lead, chopping blocks

And hot, boiling oil

Second floor dungeon

jewelry department

Leg chains, ankle chains

Neck chains, wrist chains

Thumb screws and nooses

Of the very finest rope

Basement dungeon

Everybody

Out

I'm sure you'll find this a most fascinating dungeon.

That lovely rumbling sound is one of my favorite prisoners.

He was a bass drummer in an orchestra I conducted. Had a very bad habit.

Do you know that part in Beethoven's Fifth Symphony...

where the drummer is supposed to go boom-boom-boom-boom?

This stupid lout always went boom-boom-boom-boom-a-boom.

One extra boom, you know. He'll be here forever.

You mean he has to keep beating that drum forever?

Oh, that isn't the man I'm punishing.

My man is inside the drum.

Please, Dr. Terwilliker, let me out!

Let me out!

And I'm sure you're eager to get settled in your cage.

Now, let me see, where do we have a vacancy?

How about apartment 22-j?

A capital suggestion, Stroogo!

One of our finest.

- In there? - I'm sure you'll find it very cozy.

There was nary a complaint from our last five tenants.

Now then, farewell, Mr. Plumber.

Our paths will never cross again.

But as for you, young man, every morning at dawn...

you will be dragged upstairs to my piano!

But the other children must be arriving. I must hurry and dress.

Are you prepared? Let me see your fingers!

Are they limber? Are they happy?

Ten little dancing maidens dancing, oh, so fine

Ten happy fingers and they're mine, all mine

They're mine, they're mine Now, isn't that just fine

Not three, not five Not seven nor not nine

I'm sorry I got you into this, Pop.

It's not, quite frankly, a wholesome situation.

I'm under the impression that a number of frogs, toads...

and possibly dinosaurs have died...

and lie unburied in our immediate vicinity.

Fortunately, though, I do have my bottle of Air Fix.

It does smell better.

- How does that thing work? - It's a simple, scientific principle.

Say, for instance, an obnoxious odor is lurking there.

I raise the cork from my bottle...

a tiny, invisible hand reaches up from the bottle...

it pounces, smell's in the bottle and nobody smells it.

Say, maybe something like this is the answer.

- Answer to what? - The whole piano racket.

This bottle is a smell fix. What we need is a music fix.

Music in the air-

No more music. Nobody hears it.

If I could hide a music fix next to that piano...

then when those 500 kids start playing-

Yeah, yeah. All the music goes into the bottle.

Yeah, and if Terwilliker's piano can't make music...

that wrecks his racket, and we'd all be free.

Oh, splendid. Splendid.

It's our only chance. We'll have to make one.

- Oh, sure, sure. - Sure.

We've got this bottle to start with.

Just pour the smell-catching gookum out...

and put some music-catching machinery in.

That's ridiculous. I have no scientific paraphernalia.

We'll just have to use the stuff we've got.

I got plenty of stuff-

string, a washer, radio crystal...

a chain, a ring, a peanut...

- a top- - Oh, Bart, please.

It's gotta work. It's just gotta!

Bubble gum, Ping-Pong ball,jackknife...

buttons, yo-yo, checkers...

top, whistle...

buckle, marble.

That ought to do it.

To make a music fix out of this may take a bit of time.

Come on. Let's see what we've got.

Testing, one, two, three, four.

Testing.

We gotta keep tryin'! We gotta keep tryin'!

Hey!

Wow.

Testing, one, two, three, four.

Testing.

It's no use, Bart. What we need is some sound equipment.

Say, how about his hearing aid?

It brings noises into his ear.

Why couldn't it bring noises into our bottle?

Bring up the prisoner Bartholomew Collins.

- On the double, sir! - Hurry up!

Hurry up! Hurry up! Does it work?

- Does it work? - Wait a second. I'll try it.

It works! It works!

Boy, oh, boy! Am I gonna put that big piano on the fritz!

Listen, Bart, there's something I've got to tell you.

I never made one of these before and the stuff that I put in there...

well, it's a kind of a revolutionary principle.

It might be dangerous. It might even be atomic.

Atomic? Might blow up?

If it starts smoking, you get away from it fast!

Come on, Paderewski. It's time.

- Name, please? -johnny Hall.

One hundred forty-two.

- Name, please? - Phil Cook.

Two hundred.

Keep those boys moving. Get that line going.

- Name, please? -Jones. Johnny Jones.

Seat number 147. Name, please?

Smith. Sammy Smith.

Seat number 409.

- Here's the number one boy. - Name, please?

Collins. Bart Collins.

I must have-

I must have seen you somewhere before.

- Seat number one. - Thank you, Mother.

- Name, please? -Jim Tierney.

Attention! Attention everyone in the Terwilliker Institute!

Down below me, joyful and eager...

my students are awaiting our date with destiny.

They will not fail, for I shall not fail.

Come on and dress me dress me, dress me

In my finest array

'Cause just in case you haven't heard

Today is do-me-do day

Dress me in my silver garters Dress me in my diamond studs

'Cause I'm going do-me-doing in my do-me-do duds

I want my undulating undies with the marabou frills

I want my beautiful bolero with the porcupine quills

I want my purple nylon girdle with the orange blossom buds

'Cause I'm going do-me-doing in my do-me-do duds

Come on and dress me dress me, dress me

In my peekaboo blouse

With the lovely interlining made of Chesapeake mouse

I want my polka-dotted dickey with the crinoline fringe

For I'm going do-me-doing on a do-me-do binge

I want my lavender spats and in addition to them

I want my honey-colored gusset with the herringbone hem

I want my softest little jacket made of watermelon suede

And my long, persimmon placket with the platinum braid

I want my leg-of-mutton sleeves and in addition to those

I want my cutie chamois booties with the leopard skin bows

I want my pink-brocaded bodice with the fluffy, fuzzy ruffs

And my gorgeous bright blue bloomers with the monkey feather cuffs

I want my organdie snood and in addition to that

I want my chiffon Mother Hubbard lined with Hudson Bay rat

Dress me up from top to bottom

Dress me up from tip to toe

Dress me up in silken spinach for today is do-me-do

Do-me-do day Do-me-do day

So come and dress me in the blossoms of a million pink trees

Come on and dress me up in liverwurst and Camembert cheese

Come on and dress me up in pretzels

Dress me up in bock beer suds

- 'Cause he's going - 'Cause I'm going

Do-me-doing

-In my do-oh-oh-oh -In his do-oh-oh-oh

Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh

Me-do duds

Boys, please, may I have your attention?

Dear boys, I give you...

your lovable leader, Dr. Terwilliker!

This is my day!

Five thousand little fingers...

all playing together on my piano!

Every finger obedient to the whim of me, the master!

Every infinitesimal...

microscopic piece of living tissue...

on those 5,000 little fingers...

cringing and trembling and groveling before me!

Before me, Dr. Terwilliker...

as I raise my baton!

We shall play.

Raise hands!

We shall play the most beautiful piece ever written.

I wrote it. "Ten Happy Fingers."

Ready now?

A-one and a-two and a-three and a-play!

And a-play! And a-play! And a-play! And a-play!

What in blazes is going on here?

All right. Raise hands.

Ready now?

A-one and a-two and a-three and a-play!

And a-play! And a-play! And a-play! And a-play!

The idiotic, cockeyed flumdummery!

Cockeyed flumdummery! Cockeyed flumdummery!

Don't stand there like a ruddy monolith!

Monolith! Monolith! Monolith! Monolith!

- You, you, you, you! - You,you,you,you!

- You lunkheads! - You lunkheads! You lunkheads!

What's that?

- What's that you've got there, Collins? - You're finished!

You're washed up! You can't make us play a note!

I can't, can't I?

Can't I? Can't I? Can't I? Can't I?

No ridiculous, little, half-pint pipsqueak can dare twit Dr. Terwilliker!

Dr. Terwilliker! Dr. Terwilliker!

The founder of Terwilliker Institute!

- Terwilliker Institute! - Five hundred boy piano!

Boy piano! Boy piano! Boy piano! Boy piano!

Whatever that inexplicable phenomenon in your hand may be...

you hand over that inexplicable phenomenon to me!

If you come any closer, I'll blow you to smithereens!

- Is it- Is it atomic? - Yes, sir.

- Very atomic! - Atomic?

Take it away! Take it away!

- Will you free my mother? - Free his mother!

- Will you free my father? - Free his father!

- Will you free us kids? - Yes!

All 500 of you can go free! Everybody!

Lock him up in the dungeon forever!

Hey, kids! Kids!

We will now play the most beautiful piece ever written. Shall we?

Ready now!

One and a-two and a-three and a-play!

Hey, scram, everybody! I think she's gonna blow!

No, no! No, no!

No, no! No!

Hey, Bart.

Bart, snap out of it. Wake up.

What's the matter with you?

The bomb! The bomb! Are you all right?

Bomb? What bomb?

Holy gosh, I must have doped off, Pop.

- "Pop"? - I mean Mr. Zabladowski.

- Did you hurt your thumb? - Sure, when you hurt yours.

Me? Oh, I never-

- I'll be darned. How'd that happen? - Don't you remember anything?

I remember one thing. You better get back to practicing.

Gee, Ma, you sure look pretty.

Doesn't she, Mr. Zabladowski?

I have some shopping downtown.

- Would you mind dropping me? - I'd be happy to, Mrs. Collins.

- You know, I got a feeling I- - Yeah, me too.

Hey, how'd you like to go fishing with me this weekend, Bart?

- For big-mouth bass? - Sure, if it's okay with your ma.

- You got a deal. - Yeah, but get back to practicing...

so she won't get sore when I ask her if you can go.

- Okay. And I'll bring the penicillin. - Penicillin?

- No, we're gonna fish with worms. - I'll bring it,just in case.

- I'm ready, Mr. Zabladowski. - Coming, Mrs. Collins.

- So long, partner. - So long.

Penicillin.

Sporty boy! Hiya, Sport.