Original subtitles

♪ Whoa

All right. Looks like we win this round.

We win this round? They got the weapon!

Oh, fine. Call it a tie.

So, uh, Vick, why did you sell us out?

- What are you talking about? - Oh, yeah.

I guess the U.S. military just kind of happened to show up

at our exact location on a dog-dang hunch?

Yeah, that makes sense.

What exactly are you accusing me of?

Oh, come on!

You called your little boy toy after I specifically made

a no-calling-husbands rule, and now looked what happened!

Yeah, we were saved from death!

Because of you!

He probably just tracked her phone.

No, that's impossible, Piper. It's a wireless phone.

Very funny.

No, they can track those too.

Really?

Fucking get out of here. That's very cool.

Well, Vicki, based on that,

I owe you a huge apology.

And I'd like to personally apologize

to your phone as well. May I?

Oh, thank you. That's sweet.

Yeah. All right.

MacGruber!

That ought to slow down those fucking gomers.

Oh, shit, shit, shit!

Piper, down! But those are our guys!

Down, now! Vicki, quick!

Get your mouth over here! What?

- Get your mouth over here! - Oh.

That was a close one.

Nice undercover work, Vick.

I think they bought it. Thank you.

Shit, more pigs!

All right, we better get this bad boy

off the road and plan our next move.

You've reached singer-songwriter

Vicki St. Elmo-Fasoose.

♪ Leave your name and your number ♪

♪ And a message after the to-wo-wo-wo-wo... ♪

Sir, we have surveillance photos of the drone strike.

Jesus, Vicki.

We also found this.

Ran it through our database. Says it's Brigadier Commander--

Enos Queeth.

- You know him, sir? - Used to.

Till he was killed in action 20 years ago.

Looks pretty good for a dead guy.

You think he's behind MacGruber's kidnapping?

Makes sense. The two of them had a history.

I guess Queeth finally settled the score.

There's something else you should see.

Lieutenant Colonel Dixon Piper.

And if you look closely behind him...

MacGruber.

I'll be damned.

That son of a bitch is still alive.

Thank you, Major.

Jesus, Vicki.

What have you gotten yourself into?

♪ Wo-one

♪ Leave a message at the tone ♪

♪ MacGruber

And just like that,

we're ghosts.

All right. You want to maybe go take care of that alarm?

Oh, shit! Yeah, come on.

Vick, come on!

Okay.

Okay, here we go.

6-9-6-9-6-9.

Shit! Worth a shot.

60 seconds, MacGruber.

All right. We got this, Vick.

All right, follow this band to the source.

So, uh, you, uh, digging the jazz?

What do you mean? I don't hear any music.

No, this. The jazz.

Fighting the good fight,

getting back in the game for one last dance.

I do enjoy watching you play.

The game. The jazz. Yeah.

Got to be honest with you:

been in prison so long, I'm a little out of practice.

Excuse me?

Vicki, do I have to spell it out for you?

I need to do it with you.

MacGruber, I'm married.

The alarm, Vicki.

The alarm.

All right. Here. Hand me those wire cutters.

You got it, MacGruber.

- Now get in there. - Oh.

Now let's take those fingers of yours

and spread those wires apart very slowly.

- These wires? - There we go.

Those ones right there. Great job.

Gently.

There we go. Attagirl.

Okay, now I'm just gonna take my tool.

Yeah?

I'm just gonna jam it in there.

I'm just gonna come inside you there.

Don't worry. This is gonna be very quick.

I'm almost there already. I'm about there.

I'm about there! I'm about to cut it!

I'm about to get it! Yes!

Oh, you know I'm about to get it!

You see me getting it! Yeah!

You're feeling me getting it! I'm about to get it!

- Yes! - I'm about to finish!

- Oh, my God! - Ah!

Oh!

Got it.

Nice work. Wow.

Oh, my God. Okay.

So, MacGruber, can you please explain

why we're avoiding telling the U.S. government

that some maniac just got his hands

on a weapon of mass destruction?

Piper, why do you think I hid that stuff in a fucking cave

for the past 20 years?

For gits and shiggles?

No, I hid it because no government on Earth

should have it, not even the USA.

I mean, we're talking about a world-ender here, Piper.

I don't know about you, but I kind of like the world.

I like sunsets.

I like snowcapped mountains.

I like kicking back with a cold Molson and watching the game.

I like babies and kettle corn.

Monster trucks and puppy dogs.

I like the tig, ol' bitties and bunchin' mox.

I even like cancer and type 2 diabetes

because they remind me that life is precious.

And that is why it is imperative

that we keep this shit out of Queeth's hands!

But you just gave Queeth the weapon!

You know what?

I'm gonna start calling you Checkers,

'cause that's the game you're playing.

But me? I play chess.

The thinking man's game.

And if you want to win at chess,

you got to think outside the bun

'cause that's how you win at chess, Checkers.

Checksmate. We good here?

No, we're not good here.

We should tell the general and get his help.

We don't need his help! All right?

We can do this ourselves.

I mean, don't you see?

You're not a driving instructor, Checkers.

And, Vicki, you're not a housewife.

You're soldiers, and you always will be.

You're gonna get us all killed.

Vicki, can you give us a second?

- Sure. - But stay here.

Yeah.

I want you to hear this.

Would it change your mind, Checkers,

if I told you that Enos Queeth murdered my mother?

- What? - Yeah.

I want to tell you guys a little story

that I've only told about 40 other people.

Back in the day,

Queeth and my father were fast friends.

Actually served in the military together.

Oorah.

But when my father made full bird colonel in record time,

it sent Queeth into a jealous rage.

The night of my fifth birthday,

he came over to our house

looking to put an end to my father's life.

Instead, he ended our family.

Put a bullet in my mother's head.

splattered her brains all over my face and cake.

Happy birthday to me.

My father was inconsolable.

Queeth stole the love of his life.

Went into a deep depression.

Tried to fill the void with the drugs and liqueurs.

Long story short,

Queeth fucking ruined him.

So the day I turned 18, I went down

and I joined the Green Berets, Navy SEALs, and Coast Guard

and made it my life's mission to take Queeth down.

So, you see, this isn't just any mission for me.

This is personal.

I remain in.

Thank you, soldier.

- Fine. - Checkers, really?

Yes, but please stop calling me Checkers.

Of course.

Now let's go stop this son of a bitch.

Yeah, and how are we gonna do that?

We have exactly zero leads.

Guess again, Checkers.

Queeth's go-to scientist, Irina Poliskaya.

The world's preeminent chemist

in the field of organophosphates.

She's got every degree in the book.

And a heart as black as the coal in Queeth's stocking.

So you think she's gonna synthesize Brimstone?

- I bet your baby's life on it. - MacGruber!

Vicki, I don't want Piper's baby to get murdered

or even die of natural causes,

but that's how certain I am.

Poliskaya is our synthesizer.

Well, then we need to find her and get to her

before Queeth does.

ICDAG.

The International Chemical Defense Association Gala.

...Gala!

Yeah, I know it well.

The International...Gala.

Yeah, that's right. I know it very well.

Well, it says here there's a big soiree in Miami this week.

Every top chemical engineer in the world will be there.

And guess who's getting a lifetime achievement award?

Irina Poliskaya.

As I suspected.

Queeth must have timed this whole operation

for when he'd have access to her.

Checkers, this ain't no coinky-dink.

No, this is an on-purpy-dink.

So what's our plan, MacGruber?

Looks like we're going fishing for Russian scientists.

It won't be easy.

She's gonna be under heavy guard.

You can catch anything if you use a big enough worm.

It's true.

Hey, MacGruber, we can't keep driving around

in that car of yours.

It's kind of hard to stay undercover

in a bright red Miata.

Way ahead of you, Checkers.

Yep, much better.

♪ I'm not a man

♪ Or machine

♪ I'm just something in between ♪

all: ♪ Whoa-oh, whoa-oh

♪ I'm all love, a dynamo ♪

♪ So push the button and let me go ♪

all: ♪ Whoa-oh, whoa-oh

♪ Aah, you want me to come alive? ♪

♪ Flick the switch into overdrive ♪

♪ You and me can let it be

♪ Ready all: ♪ Ready

♪ Aim all: ♪ Aim

♪ Fire

♪ Touch that dial, turn me on ♪

♪ Start me like a motor, make me run ♪

♪ Lovin' every minute of it

♪ Lovin'

♪ Lovin' every minute of it

Big worm is in position.

How are we looking, Checkers?

Give me a sec.

Who are you?

The night shift.

I'm in. Okay, gang.

This is for all the marbles.

We won't get another chance.

Vicki, you in place?

Yeah, I'm at your 11:00.

Sorry, Central Standard Time.

There you are.

Wow, you look...

fine.

Well, you also look...only fine.

Hey, I got eyes on Poliskaya.

She's by the bar, and she's got company.

Big company.

Piece of cake.

Watch and learn, kid. Watch and learn.

Same old science bullshit, different science day.

What's up, turtledove? Buy you an eggnog?

No.

Hey, I can take a hint.

Barkeep, two gin martinis.

And I'll have mine...

very dirty.

Allow me.

So, do you like it dirty?

The lady does not wish to talk to you.

Oh, the lady does not want

to talk to me, huh?

That's what you sound like, you fucking dode.

In fact, the only thing more stupid than your accent

is the way you're dressed, the content of your brain,

and your fucking face.

You will leave now.

I will leave now.

Fine.

Let me just settle my bill.

Barkeep, put those on the Queeth tab.

It's an open bar.

You're an open bar!

Queeth. Tab. Now.

Da.

Sorry, Jorgus can be a little overprotective.

Have we met?

Let's just say I'm a friend of a friend.

Thank you. Here.

Oh, I got a little tip for you.

Keep the change.

All right. Hurry, MacGruber.

The presentation starts in ten minutes,

and you need five for the capsule to take effect.

Loud and...

Got a little boogie.

Holy shit! Does that guy have his wiener out?

Oh, he fully does!

Oh, you got to turn your head and see this!

It's so small!

It's like a snail, or is it--

No, "it's a snail" is the perfect way to put it!

Oh, my God!

People are going nuts over there!

No?

Oh, God. You're missing out.

Turn that head!

Oh, my God. Look at this! You don't want to see this?

Oh, it looks like he's gonna pull up his pants!

Uh, no, no, no, no, no. It's still there!

No? Okay.

All right. All right.

Ooh, let's have a head-turning contest!

I'll start.

Vicki, we need a distraction.

On it.

Ahh!

No!

Look at me!

Over here!

Ahh!

Okay. That worked, I guess.

Now get in position for phase two, Vicki.

On the groove.

Where were we? Oh, that's right.

We were getting to know each other,

and it was going fucking great.

Is it just me, or are we

in a major opposites-attract situation here?

'Cause you travel with protection,

and I never, ever, ever use protection.

What do you say we get out of here?

You're very persistent, Mr...

- Jebblidoo. - Mm.

Matias Jebblidoo.

Mm, it's been a unique pleasure, Mr. Jebblidoo.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a prior obligation.

Oh, hate for you to go Russian off,

but if you must, then Soviet.

To humor.

She's walking. She did it.

She drank it. I did it.

I got her to drink it.

Fuck yeah. You got her, Checkers?

I got her, but please stop calling me that.

Vicki, you in place?

Set to jet.

All right. I'm in the pipe, five by five.

Oh! Give me one moment.

Okay. I lost eyes on her.

This is all you, Vick.

Excuse me, do you have any toilet paper?

Let me see if I have some.

Oh, you're in luck. Here you go.

Sorry!

She's out. Commencing the old switcheroo.

Great work, Vick.

Heads up, Vicki. Your company has got company.

Okay, Vicki. Jack has just replaced Poliskaya's guard.

Proceed with caution.

Just making some final adjustments.

Everything all right in there?

Now remember, Vicki, we only need Queeth's guy

to think you're Poliskaya for a few minutes

until I can get the real Poliskaya out of here.

Then, you can give that fucking jughead the slip.

And then, we are in the clear.

There you are.

- Hi, Miss Poliskaya. - That's me.

We're ahead of schedule.

We're ready to bring you to the stage right now.

Great. That's where I want to be.

The ballroom is packed,

and people are really excited to hear your speech.

My speech?

Yes, of course.

It's not just an award.

It's also a speech.

Right this way.

What do I do? What's he saying about a speech?

That wasn't part of the plan!

Plans change, Vick. Roll with it.

What do you mean plans change?

What am I supposed to say?

Don't worry. I got your six.

As the near-recipient

of several lifetime achievement awards,

I know that a speech is de rigueur,

so I took the liberty of writing you an amazing speech.

It's already under your podium.

Thank you.

And now, it is my great pleasure

to welcome the recipient

of this year's ICDA lifetime achievement award,

Dr. Irina Poliskaya.

Russian hello.

Webster's dictionary defines "science"

as the state or act of...

being scientific.

And this definition appears in the S's.

Great job, Vick!

Sounds like that audience is eating that shit up

like a fucking pot roast.

Keep going.

Science.

Science is all around us.

Right?

They know.

It's when you hear your favorite song,

when you...

That is science.

When you get into an elevator

and sometimes there's a funny smell,

that's also science.

Okay. You got 'em on the hook.

Now just reel 'em in nice and easy.

Science is weather...

corn...

and electric.

The laundry is in the hamper.

Vicki, bring it home. Oh, thank God.

Okay, well, that concludes my speech about science.

Believe in your dreams! Russian goodbye.

Great job, Vick!

I had no idea you knew all that stuff.

Now just head to the bathroom,

change into the outfit I left you,

and get out here.

By the time they figure out our little trick play,

we'll be long gone.

Let's go.

Car is out back. Car?

We're going to the lab.

For the synthesis?

Yeah.

Do you mind if I use the potty again?

You're gonna have to hurry that up.

We're on a tight schedule here. Mm-hmm.

Guys, can you hear me?

They're going to the lab. I think I should go with them.

Vicki, we already got what we came for.

Now stick to the plan.

But they think I'm a scientist!

If I can get my hands on Brimstone and destroy it,

we can end this thing once and for all!

No, it's too dangerous. Leave now!

But this is just a temporary solution.

Yeah, we've stopped this scientist this time,

but eventually they're gonna find someone else

to synthesize it. Look, Vicki.

If you go to that lab, we can't protect you.

I have to take that chance.

Vicki, please.

If you do this, you will die.

If I don't, millions of people will die.

Hey, this is a direct order.

Stick to the goddamn plan!

All right?

Vicki!

Vicki, did you hear what I said?

Yeah, I heard exactly what you said.

Plans change.

Take me to the lab.

After you.

Vicki, please don't do this!

Vicki! Vicki!

Vicki, come in!

Vicki! Vicki!

Come on, Vicki! Please!