Original subtitles

Relax. Relax.

You know what we're watching, don't you?

An antique.

People will forget what the hole was for.

Active or passive?

Passive.

Multiple partners?

No. You have a regular partner.

Oh, sorry, no. I thought you meant more than one at a time.

In that case, yeah.

Multiple partners.

But not a lot.

Not how to oodles Willie, unfortunately.

You'd be better off talking to my hand.

Are you hiding your spot?

Love bite, actually.

I had a few of those last night.

Oh, yeah?

Where? On the bum.

On the bum.

What was he trying to do? Make tart?

Cream meringue, honey child. Cream meringue.

This was the trainee chef from Pinner, was it? The one with the cheese and his

fingernails? No.

This is the assistant bank manager from Bayswater. The one with the tongue as

long as your arm. Where did he roll his red carpet last night?

You always want to know everything, don't you, Steve?

How

long

does it take?

Give it ten days, then ring through.

Ten days.

It's a long time to get your fingers crossed.

Go to the doctor, Mum.

Just go to the doctor. Let him have a look at that leg.

It's you you should be worried about.

If his scabs are falling off, it means he's getting better, doesn't it?

Hello?

Hello, yeah.

My gyro still hasn't come.

I thought Alzheimer's disease was hereditary.

Your mum and dad didn't get it, so why should you?

Listen. But she isn't a blood relative, is she?

Listen. I get that. Yeah, I get that all the time these days.

I've had my eyes glued to the letterbox, and the only green thing they've seen

was, like, the postman's nose.

Fancy a sock?

No, thanks. I've got my teeth in.

There's a bit in this where a man gets his head cut off with a nail file.

Any songs in it?

Songs.

You thought about the test recently?

No.

Why, have you?

Yeah, a bit.

I don't think you've anything to worry about, Steve. Don't say that.

What's up with you? How do you know I've got nothing to worry about?

Well, I don't. Then why say it?

I just don't think you have, that's all. You've done it again.

Steve. You're bound to win. You're bound to pass. You're bound to, bound to,

bound to. As soon as some big mouth says bound to, forget it.

Steve, if you're that worried, then take the test.

But if you take the test and you're positive, what are you going to do about

Worry, for a start.

Exactly.

I've just got a feeling you're all right.

Sometimes you really make my blood boil. Do you know that?

You'll be all right then, won't you?

It'll kill all the germs.

What are they allowed to do to you, Steve?

I won't ask you.

Ram you up against that wall in the alley.

Yeah? Yeah.

And pull your pants down over your nice, smooth bum cheeks.

Yeah? Yeah.

Look at your nice, bare bum cheeks on that bare brick wall. It's cold.

Wet. Yeah.

Don't.

Okay? It's all right.

Don't worry.

Just save it up, okay?

Yeah, of course.

Loosen up.

What you need is some oil, Steve.

Yeah, I need a slick, Keith.

These big burly blokes are coming down the alley.

Yeah? Yeah, there's 50 of them.

Make it five. Five.

Five, yeah.

And one's a mechanic.

Big. Oh, he's got a core.

Two feet long.

And he's smearing oil all over you, Steve.

All.

Over you.

No, no, no.

Just with our hands, okay?

Relax.

We didn't do anything dangerous, did we?

No.

Only with the lorry driver's monkey wrench.

Oh no.

Think of the sun.

AIDS suicide risks tot.

Go down as a boil in the back.

Go down as a boil in the back. Go down as a boil in the back.

What's tall, blonde, with beautiful brown eyes?

What's all mouth and little brain?

What makes a mountain out of a molehill?

What could say that to a hunchback?

Twice.

Oh, I don't know that one, Steve.

That's a bit esoteric for my little brain.

Won't the magic word do? Surprise me.

Whopper. Sorry, it's bigger.

Alright. Sorry.

Still can't feel anything.

Steve? I should have put up a sign.

Steve, I'm sorry about the other day.

I know you're worried about AIDS, but if it wasn't AIDS, it'd be cancer. If it

wasn't cancer, it'd be heart failure. If it wasn't heart failure, it'd be

terminal ingrown toenails.

Anything so you can feel bad. You just don't think about it, do you?

You just can't imagine, can you? You're sick.

I haven't got friends.

I haven't got rich friends, I haven't got a job, I haven't got any money.

If my mum and dad found out I was gay, never mind a plague carrier, they'd sit

down and share a stroke.

How am I going to pay for my world cruise? Who's going to do the shopping

when my brain turns to jelly and my skin looks like fucking banana peel?

Just tell me that, Mr fucking psychologist know -all.

Just open the door and I'll tell you. No, you can stay out there.

You're not coming in.

Thanks, Steve.

I really appreciate this.

I've had the test.

You've had the test?

Yeah, I had the test last week.

But I wasn't going to tell anybody.

Well, I wasn't going to tell you.

Get the results tomorrow.

And I'm really, really worried.

Why didn't you tell me?

I'd tell you everything.

I'd tell you if I was going to have a check -up on my little toe.

Doesn't matter anyway.

I've got cold feet about it.

I'm going to forget I even took it.

to worry about Steve.

Now, Mr Harris, you came in with some test results.

Yeah.

Syphilis negative.

HIV negative.

All negative.

Thanks a lot.

I was sure I'd be positive.

Now, Mr Harris, you came in for some test results.

The results we have show that you've been exposed to the AIDS virus.

Now, I must stress that this doesn't mean that you have AIDS and it doesn't

that you go on to develop AIDS.

It only tells us that you've been exposed to the virus and you've produced

antibodies to it.

And it's very important you understand this, Mr Harris, and you don't

immediately jump to the wrong conclusion.

An HIV positive result does not mean that you will get AIDS.

I can't repeat that enough.

And knowing you're positive...

has the great advantage that you yourself can do many things to lessen

chance of developing AIDS, such as improving your diet, in fact doing

to improve your health generally.

It also has the distinct advantage that we can monitor your health and keep an

eye on any changes as they occur.