Original subtitles

♪ Men ♪♪

Hey.

Hey.

Everything okay?

Yeah.

I just can't remember what I came down here for.

Oh. That happens to me all the time.

I-I can't remember a specific example, but yeah.

Yeah, that's annoying. Uh, maybe you were hungry.

Did you come down to get something to eat?

No, I just ate.

Were you going to watch TV?

No. I have a TV in my room.

This is very disconcerting.

Don't panic. I mean, we'll figure this out.

Did you come down to give me the money you owe me?

Ah.

It's worth a shot.

No. I was upstairs, and I thought to myself

"I need to come downstairs and.."

[grunting]

You know what might help? A little less..

- "Whoa, dude, where's my car?" - No, it's not the pot.

I've been smoking pot since..

It's-it's not the pot.

What did I come down here for?

[doorbell ringing]

- Walden! - Hey!

I remember now. We have a houseguest.

♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪

♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪

♪ Men men men men manly men oo hoo hoo hoo hoo oo ♪

♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪

♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪

♪ Men ♪♪

♪ Men ♪♪

Thank you so much for sending that car for me.

I mean, I felt like a big ol' movie star at the airport.

The driver held up a sign with my name on it

carried my bags, and even gave me a bottle of water from Fiji.

- It probably wasn't from Fiji-- - Would you look at this house?

I mean, right here on the ocean.

This is like something you would see in a magazine

except there would be famous people

standing here instead of us.

It is so nice to see you.

Well, it is nice to see you, too. Let me..

Uh, Missi, let me introduce you to my friend--

Hi, I'm Missi.

Everyone thinks it's short for Melissa,

but it's actually short for Mississippi.

The river not the state.

'Cause according to my parents

I was conceived on the deck of a gambling boat

when my daddy won a $5,000 jackpot on the Caribbean poker.

Wow, that's a--

Had you ever been to the Caribbean?

I went there three years ago for Spring break

and got stung by a jellyfish.

My friend had to pee on my leg.

Alan.

- Uh, it's nice to meet you. - It's nice to meet you, too.

Um, could you direct me to the little girl's room?

I mean, unless one of y'all

have recently been stung by a jellyfish.

- Oh, it's right here. - Thank you.

Wow.

She's a pistol.

More like an AK-47.

So, uh, what's, uh.. what's the story here?

Uh, you and her..?

No. She's my old friend Jerry's daughter..

...and she's thinking about moving here, so I told him

she could stay here for a couple days, and I'd show her around.

Mm. She's very pretty.

Yeah?

How old do you think she is?

- Like, 18 or 19. - Oh, perfect.

You might lose a friend but you won't go to jail.

Ow! Hey! Hey, hey, don't hit me 'cause you can't hit that.

Ow!

♪ Men ♪♪

Oh, my God, the weather here is amazing.

You know, I could just lay out in the sun

all day just like a big ol' lizard.

Back home, I have to get a spray tan

and sometimes it comes out a little orange

which is totally fine during Halloween

'cause I can always say that I'm going as a pumpkin.

- Oh, that's interesting. - I love Halloween.

Last year, I went to this party as a slutty nurse

and then, the year before that I was a slutty cat

and the year before that, I was a ladybug.

A slutty ladybug?

What? No! Why would I be a slutty ladybug?

Oh, I just..

- So.. - Thought since you were..

- What's the deal with Alan? - Oh, we..

Y'all, like, gay for each other or something?

I mean, it's totally fine if you are.

I have a gay friend. His name is Russell.

I got him to make out with me one time, but it didn't take.

No. We...we are not gay.

We are definitely not gay.

Uh-uh..

So, your dad tells me that you're, um..

...you're thinking about relocating.

Well, to be honest with you,

I'm not really sure what I want to do.

You know, I can always keep working as a dental assistant.

You know, that person that sucks the spit out of your mouth

with that little Wet-Vac

and then gives you the free toothbrush and the lollipop.

You do know what the lollipop's for, right?

- Well, I'm assuming.. - Repeat business.

You know, if it were up to me, I'd just give them caramel apple

or a little taffy or something.

Pull their teeth right out of their little heads.

Now, that's how you make money off children.

Well, that and baby beauty pageants.

Right.

- So, uh... - Do you have a girlfriend?

Uh...no, I do not.

I just went through a breakup.

Oh, you poor baby.

I am so sorry.

Could you put some suntan lotion on my back?

Uh, sure.

Thanks.

Well, don't forget to rubba-dub-dub.

- Rubba-dub-dub? - Yeah, you got to rub it in.

- Oh. - Okay.

Would you be offended if I popped the girls out?

What?

You know, get a little color on Kim and Khloe.

'Kim and Khloe..'

Oh, yeah, go ahead.

- Well, - Where you going?

Uh, I just need to do this thing that I need to do.

Okay. I'll be right here. Take care.

♪ Men ♪♪

'You know, I had an electric car, too, when I was little.'

'You know, like one of those little Barbie Jeeps.'

Uh-huh.

But this one time, I left it out in the rain.

- So the battery died. - Uh-huh.

So my dad had to drill two little holes in the floorboard

so I could stick my feet through

and pedal it just like Fred Flintstone.

- Yabba-dabba-doo! - Yabba-dabba-doo!

- Hey. - Hey. Where have you guys been?

Uh, we went...

Walden took me to the Santa Monica Pier.

I actually got one of those churros.

You know, it's like a...like a doughnut, but long and Mexican.

Oh, hey. I'm Missi.

Are you Alan's girlfriend?

- Hell, no! - No!

No, Berta is my housekeeper.

Oh, cool. When I was in high school

I used to clean rooms at the Howard Johnson Hotel.

People are disgusting.

I walked into a bathroom one time

and it looked like a cow had exploded.

Excuse me. That churro's heading back to the border.

That, my friends, is what you get

when hillbillies have unprotected sex

with hummingbirds.

♪ Men ♪♪

No. No trouble at all, Jerry.

She's a great kid.

Takes after her old man.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Uh, hey, Jerry, I'm getting another call. I got..

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

You know, I love you dearly, Jerry, but you got to shut up.

Okay, I'll talk to you, buddy.

[knocking on door]

- Yeah? - Hi.

Hey, I just got off the phone with your dad.

- He was just calling to see.. - Oh, Lord, that man can talk.

I swear, he doesn't even pause to take a breath.

- Do you have a sec? - Uh, sure.

Okay, yeah, have-have a seat.

- Uh.. - Wow.

This is a nice bed.

I bet you could do some serious drilling

on a workbench like this, huh?

Yeah. So you wanted to talk to me about something?

Do you remember the last time that we saw each other?

- At dinner? - No, silly.

I'm talking about when I was, like, eight years old

and you came to visit us, and we all went to the state fair.

Okay, I remember that.

Remember you had to take me and my mom

'cause my dad was working late?

And we ate cotton candy for dinner, and then you won me

that little stuffed pig in the squirt-gun horse race?

I used to practice my kissing on him.

Lucky pig.

Eventually, I wore out all the terry cloth on his snout

but it was actually okay, 'cause by that time, I changed over

to real boys, which, turns out a couple of them were pigs, too.

Yeah, pigs.

Do you want a robe or a blanket or a suit of armor?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I'm fine. And remember, I wanted to go on the tilt-a-whirl,

but my mom was too scared

so you said you'd sit next to her, but I wanted you

to sit next to me, so you sat in between us,

and you held both of our hands?

But actually, you were the one that got scared

and started praying real loud.

"Oh, Lord, please get me off this ride!"

I think you even tinkled a little bit.

Oh, it's a good memory.

I remember 'cause it was one of the best days ever.

Aw.

Are you lonely?

Uh, you know, I-I got Alan.

Yeah, but Alan doesn't keep you warm at night.

You'd be surprised. 'Cause he, uh..

Listen, um, I have this idea.

You know, you might think that it's kind of crazy.

Okay.

I was just thinking, you know, since you're single

and-and you're super hot and a really nice guy..

Yeah.

That, you know, maybe

you'd like to hook up with my mom.

What?

She's been all alone ever since my daddy ran off

with that lady from the dry cleaners..

You know, the one with that weird eye

that won't quite open all the way.

Probably from all them dry cleaning fumes.

You know, we should have seen it coming.

She gave him all the clothes that nobody claimed.

He had, like, four tuxedos.

Wait. Wait.

You want to set me up with your mom?

She kind of always had a thing for you

but she would kill me if I told you.

Okay, Missi, I don't think that's a good idea..

Just think about it, okay?

Okay.

Great.

Oh, and if it helps at all

she actually just got her boobs done.

They actually used mine as a model.

The doctor even put 'em in his catalogue, number 244.

Anyone can't get 'em

but it's kind of weird now when I walk around town

I just keep thinking I see my boobs everywhere.

Goodnight.

Her mom?

♪ Men ♪♪

When did I become the guy

that the hot 19-year-old looks at and goes

"Hey, you'd be great for my mom?"

Count your blessings.

One of my patients tried to set me up

with her 70-year-old grandmother.

No..

Yeah, yeah, we dated for three months

and then, um, one day I showed up

and she couldn't remember who I was.

So we dated another two months.

And, um, every day was new again

until finally I got tired of introducing myself.

Oh! But then six months later

she sent me a ten-dollar check on my birthday.

[male #1] 'Hello?'

Jake?

- Hey! - What are you doing here?

I got a weekend pass, so I took a train in

to surprise you guys.

- Hi, soldier! - Hello.

You must be Jake.

I'm sleeping in your room.

Well, God bless America.

♪ Men ♪♪

♪ Men ♪♪

It is so nice to meet you. I'm Missi.

Short for Mississippi, not Melissa.

She got stung by a jellyfish and peed-on.

Thank you.

Are you, like, one of those Navy SEAL guys?

They are so awesome.

No, I'm just a cook.

Well, that's cool, too.

- Without food, everybody dies. - That's so..

This one time, I found this

little baby bird that fell out of a tree

'and landed in my backyard and he was almost dead.'

So I started feeding him with this little eyedropper

full of warm milk. "Eat little bird, eat little bird."

And eat he did.

Within a week, I was chewing up crackers

and spitting 'em right in his mouth.

'And when he finally had enough strength to fly on his own.'

- I set him free from the box. - No kidding.

It was one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen.

But he got about ten feet up in the air

before my cat launched himself off that picnic table

and caught him right in mid-air.

I mean, he didn't even have to chew.

Just one gulp and that bird was gone.

But...I didn't have to feed Mr. Mittens that day.

So I know how important food is.

Thanks. Uh, if you're hungry

- I could.. - I would love something to eat!

Oh. Okay.

Alright, well, uh..

Welcome back!

Good catching up.

That was like being there the first time Beavis met Butthead.

Wait till Beavis sees Butthead in a bikini.

God. You remember falling that hard and fast for a girl?

I remember the fast part.

Kind of a relief those days are behind us, huh?

Behind you.

These are my days.

- Oh, no, I wasn't saying.. - No, I am young, Alan.

I am young!

Fine, fine, you're young.

Where you going?

I don't remember.

♪ Men ♪♪

Mmm. Kid makes good chili.

Glad you like it.

We have enough..

...for a month.

Why?

The recipe was for a platoon

and math is not his strong suit.

Where'd he take "Oh, my God, this place is beautiful.

"Does that ocean go all the way to Hawaii? I love Hawaii.

You know alohameans hello and good-bye?"

They went for a walk on the beach

which, you know, has more grains of sand

than there are stars in the entire Milky Way.

Speaking of which, do you like Snickers or Milky Way?

I like Three Musketeers.

Even though I don't know what nougat is.

Hey, what you doing?

Missi and I are hanging out on the beach.

Am I gonna see you at all while you're home?

Oh, uh-huh, yeah, sure.

- You're never gonna see him. - Hey.

Missi told me she's trying to set you up with her mom.

How cool would that be?

If you married her mom and I married Missi

you'd be my stepdad.

Yeah, really cool.

Alright. See you later, Dad.

And Dad.

You know, if they have kids, we'd be their grand pappies.

Ow!

♪ Men ♪♪

Well, to make a long story short

I ate all the wafers, which is why

you should never smoke pot before you go to church.

That's funny. This one time, me and my friend--

Do you want to hear a joke?

Sure.

- What do gay horse eat? - What?

Ha-a-a-a-y!

Can I ask you something?

- Any.. - Do you think I talk too much?

No, I love listening to you talk.

- I mean, it's funny. Normally-- - You are just so sweet.

I swear I could just eat you up

but, you know, then I'd probably get a sugar rush

'cause you are just so sweet, and if you think

I talk a lot now, you should really hear me after I..

Well, I am definitely gonna shut up now

'cause you're a really good kisser

and the last thing I want to do is..

♪ Men ♪♪

Look at you making breakfast.

It's what the army trains you to do

when you keep dropping a loaded gun.

Here, have a cup of coffee.

Oh, thank you.

- You want to hear a joke? - Sure.

What do gay horses eat?

- Mm... - Hay.

So, uh, when do you leave for the base?

Oh, my train leaves at 4:00.

Mm. I'll give you a ride to the station.

Thanks.

You kidding? It's the only time I will get to spend with you.

So, uh, how was sleeping on that couch last night?

Oh, you know, it was a little lumpy

but better than sleeping with 60 guys

coughing, farting, and getting all romantic with themselves.

Missi still sleeping?

No, she's in the shower.

Oops.

No, it's fine.

Sh-She seems like a nice girl.

You have no idea.

Well, if you'll excuse me.

I'm gonna take her some breakfast.

As you can imagine, we worked up quite the appetite.

Right.

And...when I say "worked up an appetite", you understand--

I got it, I got it.

♪ Men ♪♪

I really loved hanging out with you this weekend.

Cool.

Uh...yeah.

So, listen, I get another pass in, like, a month

so maybe we can see each other then.

Maybe.

Are...you feeling alright?

You're awful quiet.

Well, here's the thing, Jake.

Hang on, Dad! There's a thing!

What's the thing?

- I sort of have a boyfriend. - A boyfriend?

Well, technically we broke up because I was tired of him

always putting his career ahead of me.

He's a doctor.

Well, not a real doctor, a glass doctor.

You know, like if you get a crack in your windshield

he will come right to your driveway and fix it

in less than half an hour, guaranteed.

So..

Anyway, he sent me this e-mail this morning

saying that he wants to try things again

but now I really like you. It's just that..

Zach and I have been together for, like, six months

and we even went to a wedding together.

I can't just throw that away.

But, I thought you..

Good-bye, Jake.

Don't be a hero.

What the hell just happened?

♪ Men ♪♪

♪ Men ♪♪

You and Missi make plans to see each other again?

No.

Why? I-I thought you two were, uh..

I thought so, too.

Oh.

- If it helps-- - It doesn't.

Okay.

- I remember my first-- - Dad.

Gotcha.

Does it get any easier?

Oh, God, no.

But...the human mind is a wonderful thing.

It forgets pain, so you can..

...go out and get some more.

She has a boyfriend back home.

A doctor.

How am I supposed to compete with that?

Let me ask you something, Jake.

Knowing what you know now

and feeling how you feel now..

Would you have done anything differently?

No.

I just would've done it a few more times.

There you go.

That's what love's all about.

♪ Men ♪♪

Hey. So, I just got off the phone with my mom.

Oh, yeah?

She's really looking forward to hearing from you.

Gee, I-I don't know, Missi.

I'm...I'm not sure it's a good idea.

I mean, I know your mom and dad aren't together anymore

but your dad's an old friend and..

Here's a recent picture of her.

Then again, I haven't seen him in years. I..

Great. I'll go tell her that you're gonna call.

Hey, wait. Wait a second. I..

Yeah?

I'm flattered that you think I'd be good for your mom

but I was just curious

at any point in time, did you think that..

Maybe you and me..?

Ew.

A simple "no" would suffice.

♪ Men ♪♪

♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪

♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪

♪ Men men men men manly men oo hoo hoo hoo hoo oo ♪

♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪

♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪

♪ Men ♪♪