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1
00:00:01,697 --> 00:00:03,699
♪ Men ♪♪
2
00:00:03,786 --> 00:00:05,788
[Jake on screen]
'So, to make a long story short'
3
00:00:05,875 --> 00:00:07,529
they say it's my fault
for leaving the pistol
4
00:00:07,616 --> 00:00:09,183
on the seat of the Jeep.
5
00:00:09,270 --> 00:00:11,272
I say it's the general's
fault for sitting on it.
6
00:00:13,535 --> 00:00:16,494
But either way, I'm not allowed
to have a gun for a while.
7
00:00:16,581 --> 00:00:19,628
And a weary nation
breathes a sigh of relief.
8
00:00:21,630 --> 00:00:22,892
Yeah, yeah, terrific, um
9
00:00:22,979 --> 00:00:24,633
so, they've got you
workin' in the kitchen?
10
00:00:24,720 --> 00:00:25,764
[Jake]
'Yeah, we call it the mess.'
11
00:00:25,851 --> 00:00:26,939
[male #1]
'That corn's not gonna'
12
00:00:27,027 --> 00:00:28,376
'cream itself, Harper!'
13
00:00:28,463 --> 00:00:30,073
Uh, yes, sir. Sorry, sir.
14
00:00:30,160 --> 00:00:31,770
Uh, gotta go back to work
15
00:00:31,857 --> 00:00:34,295
defending our nation against
terrorists and whatnot.
16
00:00:34,382 --> 00:00:35,774
Take care
of yourself, buddy.
17
00:00:35,861 --> 00:00:37,037
Don't worry, dad.
18
00:00:38,125 --> 00:00:39,561
I'm being all I can be.
19
00:00:41,171 --> 00:00:42,303
Wow.
20
00:00:42,390 --> 00:00:43,478
Yeah.
21
00:00:43,565 --> 00:00:45,001
Seems like just yesterday
22
00:00:45,088 --> 00:00:47,047
he was an adorable
chubby-cheeked little boy
23
00:00:47,134 --> 00:00:49,310
catching a Frisbee on
the beach in Santa Monica.
24
00:00:49,397 --> 00:00:51,442
Now he's a fuzz-faced
buck private
25
00:00:51,529 --> 00:00:53,792
catching the clap
from a whore in Tijuana.
26
00:00:55,881 --> 00:00:58,493
Hey, guys. What do you think?
27
00:00:58,580 --> 00:01:00,016
Oh, yummy.
28
00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:05,369
You look like
a maitre d'in heaven.
29
00:01:05,456 --> 00:01:06,805
What's the occasion?
30
00:01:06,892 --> 00:01:07,980
It's Zoey's birthday.
31
00:01:08,068 --> 00:01:09,634
Oh, well, tell
her happy birthday.
32
00:01:09,721 --> 00:01:11,636
- What are you gonna give her?
- The rest of my life.
33
00:01:11,723 --> 00:01:12,898
Beg your pardon?
34
00:01:12,985 --> 00:01:14,030
I'm gonna ask her to marry me.
35
00:01:14,117 --> 00:01:16,206
- Hello.
- Are you serious?
36
00:01:16,293 --> 00:01:17,599
Absolutely.
37
00:01:17,686 --> 00:01:19,949
Wow, wow, that's, uh..
38
00:01:20,036 --> 00:01:22,212
What he's trying to say
is, once you're married
39
00:01:22,299 --> 00:01:23,431
where's he gonna live?
40
00:01:24,345 --> 00:01:25,998
No, stop, please.
41
00:01:26,086 --> 00:01:28,175
No, I'm, what I'm trying
to say is I-I-I think
42
00:01:28,262 --> 00:01:30,264
it's wonderful and-and I'm
very happy for you.
43
00:01:30,351 --> 00:01:32,048
I figured, why not, you know?
44
00:01:32,135 --> 00:01:33,919
I mean, I love her,
I love her daughter.
45
00:01:34,006 --> 00:01:35,921
Yeah, it's win-win
for everybody.
46
00:01:36,008 --> 00:01:37,445
Gonna miss ya.
47
00:01:39,447 --> 00:01:41,884
Hey, I don't wanna
get ahead of myself
48
00:01:41,971 --> 00:01:45,757
but...I was hoping
you'd be my best man.
49
00:01:45,844 --> 00:01:47,977
Oh, uh...Walden
50
00:01:48,064 --> 00:01:49,848
I-I-I'd be honored to be
the best man at your wedding.
51
00:01:51,676 --> 00:01:53,069
[laughing]
52
00:01:54,766 --> 00:01:55,767
What's so funny?
53
00:01:55,854 --> 00:01:56,942
You wouldn't be the best man
54
00:01:57,029 --> 00:01:58,944
at the Dinah Shore Golf Classic.
55
00:01:59,031 --> 00:02:00,642
[chuckling]
56
00:02:02,383 --> 00:02:04,298
Alright, you can be
the maid of honor.
57
00:02:05,647 --> 00:02:07,214
Okay, I gotta go.
58
00:02:07,301 --> 00:02:08,389
Good luck with Zoey.
59
00:02:08,476 --> 00:02:09,955
Oh, thanks, but I mean
60
00:02:10,042 --> 00:02:11,435
come on.
61
00:02:13,742 --> 00:02:16,353
How about that?
The kid's getting married.
62
00:02:16,440 --> 00:02:18,268
Yeah. Crazy, huh?
63
00:02:18,355 --> 00:02:21,663
If I looked like him, I wouldn't
take myself off the market.
64
00:02:21,750 --> 00:02:23,795
- Is that so?
- Oh, yeah.
65
00:02:23,882 --> 00:02:25,449
I'd be out
there every night
66
00:02:25,536 --> 00:02:27,886
wearing my penis
down to a nub.
67
00:02:30,106 --> 00:02:32,021
It would look
like a golf pencil.
68
00:02:34,632 --> 00:02:37,157
Hey, a golf pencil does
a lot of scoring, lady.
69
00:02:39,071 --> 00:02:42,684
♪ Men men men men
manly men men men ♪
70
00:02:42,771 --> 00:02:44,164
♪ Men men men men ♪♪ Oo-o-oh oo-o-oh ooh ooh ♪
71
00:02:44,251 --> 00:02:45,861
♪ Manly men men men ♪
72
00:02:45,948 --> 00:02:48,907
♪ Men men men men manly men ♪
73
00:02:48,994 --> 00:02:50,996
♪ Ooh hoo-hoo hoo-hoo hoo ooh ♪
74
00:02:51,083 --> 00:02:54,304
♪ Men men men men
manly men men men ♪
75
00:02:54,391 --> 00:02:57,046
♪ Men men men men
manly men men men ♪
76
00:02:57,133 --> 00:02:59,875
♪ Ha ah ha-a-ah ♪♪ Men ♪♪
77
00:03:06,882 --> 00:03:08,362
♪ Men ♪♪
78
00:03:10,842 --> 00:03:12,757
This is magnificent.
79
00:03:12,844 --> 00:03:14,629
As are you.
80
00:03:14,716 --> 00:03:16,370
Happy birthday.
81
00:03:16,457 --> 00:03:17,762
Thank you.
82
00:03:20,548 --> 00:03:22,985
Zoey..
83
00:03:23,072 --> 00:03:26,945
...my life...is so much
better with you in it.
84
00:03:27,729 --> 00:03:30,166
Aw.
85
00:03:30,253 --> 00:03:32,995
The first time I saw you..
86
00:03:33,082 --> 00:03:34,692
...it was like..
87
00:03:34,779 --> 00:03:35,867
...fireworks.
88
00:03:41,873 --> 00:03:43,745
- Did you do--
- I did.
89
00:03:47,792 --> 00:03:50,404
And when I hear your voice..
90
00:03:50,491 --> 00:03:52,362
...it's like music.
91
00:03:54,582 --> 00:03:55,626
Music.
92
00:03:57,193 --> 00:03:58,716
[whispers]
Sorry.
93
00:03:58,803 --> 00:04:01,241
[guitar music]
94
00:04:01,328 --> 00:04:03,373
God, Walden.
95
00:04:03,460 --> 00:04:05,506
All this for my birthday?
96
00:04:05,593 --> 00:04:07,551
Not just for your birthday.
97
00:04:08,726 --> 00:04:10,250
You see, Zoey
98
00:04:12,121 --> 00:04:15,690
when a man...loves a woman..
99
00:04:17,387 --> 00:04:19,389
...he can't keep his
mind on nothin' else.
100
00:04:20,999 --> 00:04:23,088
Okay, I'm totally lost now.
101
00:04:24,220 --> 00:04:26,178
He'd give up all his comforts..
102
00:04:27,310 --> 00:04:29,269
...and sleep out in the rain
103
00:04:29,356 --> 00:04:30,879
if she said that's
the way it ought to be.
104
00:04:30,966 --> 00:04:31,967
Wait, that's from some song.
105
00:04:32,054 --> 00:04:34,665
No, no, not some song.
106
00:04:34,752 --> 00:04:36,101
A great song.
107
00:04:37,146 --> 00:04:38,843
Bolton, you're up.
108
00:04:41,106 --> 00:04:46,895
♪ When a man loves a woman ♪
109
00:04:46,982 --> 00:04:51,769
♪ He can't keep his
mind on nothin' else ♪
110
00:04:51,856 --> 00:04:52,944
♪ He'd trade the world.. ♪
111
00:04:53,031 --> 00:04:54,555
Get up, get up.
112
00:04:54,642 --> 00:04:56,557
Stop it.
113
00:04:56,644 --> 00:04:59,342
Zoey Hyde-Tottingham Pierce..
114
00:04:59,429 --> 00:05:02,519
♪ If she's bad
he can't see it ♪
115
00:05:02,606 --> 00:05:05,783
...will you do me
the honor of becoming..
116
00:05:05,870 --> 00:05:09,439
...Zoey Hyde-Tottingham
Pierce Schmidt?
117
00:05:09,526 --> 00:05:12,137
♪ Turn his back
on his best friend ♪
118
00:05:12,224 --> 00:05:15,663
♪ If he puts her down ♪
119
00:05:15,750 --> 00:05:22,322
♪ When a man loves a woman ♪
120
00:05:22,409 --> 00:05:23,714
♪ Deep down in his soul.. ♪
121
00:05:23,801 --> 00:05:26,413
No. I'm sorry. I can't do it.
122
00:05:26,500 --> 00:05:27,631
♪ She can ♪♪
123
00:05:29,807 --> 00:05:30,852
Zoey!
124
00:05:33,333 --> 00:05:36,379
♪ When a man loves a woman.. ♪
125
00:05:36,466 --> 00:05:38,468
Shut up, Bolton!
126
00:05:44,735 --> 00:05:46,563
♪ Men ♪♪
127
00:05:46,650 --> 00:05:49,174
So, after they get married
128
00:05:49,261 --> 00:05:50,741
I don't know what
I'm going to do.
129
00:05:50,828 --> 00:05:52,526
Oh, Alan, don't be coy.
130
00:05:52,613 --> 00:05:54,832
If you want to come
live with me, just ask.
131
00:05:54,919 --> 00:05:56,878
Can I come live with you?
132
00:05:56,965 --> 00:05:58,053
No.
133
00:05:59,446 --> 00:06:02,013
Oh, come on, mom,
I'm gonna be homeless.
134
00:06:02,100 --> 00:06:04,102
Once he marries her, I'm
gonna be living on the street.
135
00:06:04,189 --> 00:06:05,887
Try to pick a street
in Beverly Hills
136
00:06:05,974 --> 00:06:07,454
so I can visit you.
137
00:06:07,541 --> 00:06:08,672
[doorbell rings]
138
00:06:13,068 --> 00:06:15,026
Does this guy
belong to you?
139
00:06:17,246 --> 00:06:18,813
Michael Bolton?
140
00:06:18,900 --> 00:06:20,771
Hi, Alan.
141
00:06:20,858 --> 00:06:23,731
Uh, y-yes,
b-bring him in.
142
00:06:23,818 --> 00:06:25,602
What happened?
143
00:06:25,689 --> 00:06:27,125
She said no.
144
00:06:27,212 --> 00:06:29,301
Oh, oh, Walden, I am so sorry.
145
00:06:31,173 --> 00:06:33,915
When I proposed, she just
ran out of the restaurant.
146
00:06:34,002 --> 00:06:36,265
Now she won't return my calls
147
00:06:36,352 --> 00:06:38,398
or e-mails or texts.
148
00:06:38,485 --> 00:06:40,269
It's like she's ignorin' me
149
00:06:40,356 --> 00:06:42,532
across the entire
digital spectrum.
150
00:06:44,186 --> 00:06:46,101
It's like she's Amish.
151
00:06:47,363 --> 00:06:49,452
So...you went out drinking
152
00:06:49,539 --> 00:06:52,063
and ended up picking
up Michael Bolton?
153
00:06:52,150 --> 00:06:53,630
No.
154
00:06:53,717 --> 00:06:56,894
I hired him to sing
while I was proposing.
155
00:06:56,981 --> 00:06:59,767
I should've gone
with Josh Groban.
156
00:06:59,854 --> 00:07:01,899
Wait, you're gonna
blame me for this?
157
00:07:05,686 --> 00:07:07,601
I'm gonna call her again.
158
00:07:07,688 --> 00:07:11,692
Oh, my stars,
Michael Bolton.
159
00:07:11,779 --> 00:07:14,172
I have a vibrator
named after you.
160
00:07:18,350 --> 00:07:20,396
Zoey, why won't you answer?
161
00:07:20,483 --> 00:07:22,354
Was it something I did?
162
00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:24,748
Was the ring not big enough?
163
00:07:24,835 --> 00:07:27,011
- Was it Bolton?
- Hey!
164
00:07:29,231 --> 00:07:30,972
Okay.
165
00:07:31,059 --> 00:07:32,887
Screw it, I just
can't sit around here.
166
00:07:32,974 --> 00:07:35,411
Come on, Bolton,
let's go find her.
167
00:07:35,498 --> 00:07:37,326
I'm not gonna go looking
for your girlfriend.
168
00:07:37,413 --> 00:07:39,589
Why don't you see
if Groban's available?
169
00:07:41,852 --> 00:07:44,638
Hey, I bought and paid for
your ass until ten o'clock.
170
00:07:46,466 --> 00:07:48,946
It's 10:01. So now
you can kiss it.
171
00:07:53,647 --> 00:07:55,910
Fine, I'll just drive myself.
172
00:07:55,997 --> 00:07:57,651
Oh, no, no, hang on,
hang on. You can't drive.
173
00:07:57,738 --> 00:07:59,566
I-I-I'll take you.
174
00:07:59,653 --> 00:08:01,393
See, you're a good friend.
175
00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:02,830
You're dead to me.
176
00:08:06,311 --> 00:08:08,749
I can't believe
the things I do for money.
177
00:08:08,836 --> 00:08:11,055
You won't believe
the things I'll do for free.
178
00:08:14,189 --> 00:08:16,104
♪ Men ♪♪
179
00:08:16,191 --> 00:08:17,627
I really, really
think you ought to wait
180
00:08:17,714 --> 00:08:18,672
till tomorrow to do this.
181
00:08:18,759 --> 00:08:20,978
No, no.
182
00:08:21,065 --> 00:08:23,764
- I need to know why.
- Uh-uh, not a good idea.
183
00:08:23,851 --> 00:08:26,549
See, i-it's like asking a woman
why she won't sleep with you.
184
00:08:26,636 --> 00:08:28,246
You always hope that
it's 'cause you're too big
185
00:08:28,333 --> 00:08:30,422
and you'll ruin
her for other men.
186
00:08:30,510 --> 00:08:31,511
[knocking on door]
187
00:08:31,598 --> 00:08:32,990
But, no, it's
usually 'cause she
188
00:08:33,077 --> 00:08:34,949
sobered up and got
a good look at you.
189
00:08:36,341 --> 00:08:39,127
Oh, Walden. Ugh!
190
00:08:39,214 --> 00:08:41,085
Ugh! That's
the sound they make.
191
00:08:42,913 --> 00:08:44,132
We need to talk.
192
00:08:44,219 --> 00:08:46,003
Can we do this tomorrow?
193
00:08:46,090 --> 00:08:49,050
Let me use a word
that you're fond of.
194
00:08:49,137 --> 00:08:50,704
"No."
195
00:08:50,791 --> 00:08:52,183
Have you been drinking?
196
00:08:52,270 --> 00:08:55,578
Let me use a word
that you're not fond of.
197
00:08:55,665 --> 00:08:56,579
Yes.
198
00:08:58,146 --> 00:08:59,669
She's right, Walden.
You can come back tomorrow.
199
00:08:59,756 --> 00:09:02,803
No. I'm not leavin'
until I get an answer.
200
00:09:02,890 --> 00:09:03,934
Oh, Walden, please.
201
00:09:04,021 --> 00:09:06,241
Zoey, I need an answer.
202
00:09:06,328 --> 00:09:07,851
Oh, it's complicated.
203
00:09:07,938 --> 00:09:10,288
No.
204
00:09:10,375 --> 00:09:13,248
Peeing with morning
wood is complicated.
205
00:09:14,945 --> 00:09:16,991
True. That thing
is like a Water Wiggle.
206
00:09:19,515 --> 00:09:21,648
Once, I shorted out
a light socket in the ceiling.
207
00:09:23,693 --> 00:09:25,565
- I've done that.
- Yeah.
208
00:09:28,872 --> 00:09:32,223
Saying yes to
someone who loves you
209
00:09:32,310 --> 00:09:34,661
more than life itself
210
00:09:34,748 --> 00:09:37,054
is not complicated.
211
00:09:37,141 --> 00:09:39,013
Fine. Do you
really want to know?
212
00:09:39,100 --> 00:09:40,580
I really want to know.
213
00:09:40,667 --> 00:09:42,277
Oh, hang on, hang on.
Okay, okay.
214
00:09:42,364 --> 00:09:43,887
This is a textbook
example of
215
00:09:43,974 --> 00:09:45,323
what I was talking
about earlier.
216
00:09:45,410 --> 00:09:46,847
When a woman says,
"Do you really want to know?"
217
00:09:46,934 --> 00:09:48,457
you think you wanna
know, but trust me
218
00:09:48,544 --> 00:09:49,676
you don't
really wanna know.
219
00:09:49,763 --> 00:09:51,939
No, I really wanna know.
220
00:09:53,810 --> 00:09:55,377
There's someone else.
221
00:09:57,945 --> 00:10:01,209
You're right.
I did not wanna know.
222
00:10:01,296 --> 00:10:03,690
It's someone I was involved
with many years ago
223
00:10:03,777 --> 00:10:06,214
and he's having a very,
very rough time and..
224
00:10:06,301 --> 00:10:08,216
...and he needs me.
225
00:10:09,870 --> 00:10:11,219
Oh.
226
00:10:11,306 --> 00:10:13,874
Well, that clears it up.
227
00:10:13,961 --> 00:10:15,571
Hey, if you like hanging out
228
00:10:15,658 --> 00:10:17,442
with guys who are
down on their luck
229
00:10:17,529 --> 00:10:19,575
why don't you just shack
up with my loser friend?
230
00:10:19,662 --> 00:10:20,620
Mm-hmm.
231
00:10:27,017 --> 00:10:28,715
Um, I'm actually
not available.
232
00:10:28,802 --> 00:10:30,368
Ugh.
233
00:10:30,455 --> 00:10:31,935
♪ Men ♪♪
234
00:10:36,287 --> 00:10:37,941
♪ Men ♪♪
235
00:10:38,028 --> 00:10:40,422
Wait a minute,
there's another guy?
236
00:10:40,509 --> 00:10:41,510
Yep.
237
00:10:41,597 --> 00:10:43,730
Better than Walden?
238
00:10:43,817 --> 00:10:45,035
Apparently.
239
00:10:45,122 --> 00:10:46,384
I'm sorry
240
00:10:46,471 --> 00:10:48,299
unless this new guy
can fly around the room
241
00:10:48,386 --> 00:10:50,693
and shoot fire out his ass..
242
00:10:50,780 --> 00:10:52,695
...that bitch is crazy.
243
00:10:54,610 --> 00:10:56,046
- Hey.
- Well, hey.
244
00:10:56,133 --> 00:10:57,265
Look who's finally up.
245
00:10:57,352 --> 00:10:58,483
How you feeling, buddy?
246
00:10:58,570 --> 00:11:00,007
A little hung-over.
247
00:11:00,094 --> 00:11:02,487
Berta, you got
any pot brownies?
248
00:11:02,574 --> 00:11:04,576
Until they cure glaucoma.
249
00:11:06,404 --> 00:11:07,492
Thanks.
250
00:11:08,798 --> 00:11:09,930
You want a glass of milk
251
00:11:10,017 --> 00:11:11,366
or something
to wash that down with?
252
00:11:11,453 --> 00:11:13,237
No, I'm good. Thanks.
253
00:11:13,324 --> 00:11:17,154
Um, instead of getting loaded,
maybe you wanna talk about it?
254
00:11:17,241 --> 00:11:19,809
What is there
to talk about, Alan?
255
00:11:19,896 --> 00:11:22,290
She's with another guy!
256
00:11:22,377 --> 00:11:24,553
I changed my mind
about the milk.
257
00:11:27,469 --> 00:11:30,820
I mean, how can another
guy give her anything
258
00:11:30,907 --> 00:11:32,430
that I can't give her?
259
00:11:32,517 --> 00:11:34,694
Maybe he doesn't talk
with his mouth full.
260
00:11:37,305 --> 00:11:38,262
You know what?
261
00:11:38,349 --> 00:11:39,655
I don't think the other guy
262
00:11:39,742 --> 00:11:42,005
can give her anything I can't.
263
00:11:42,092 --> 00:11:43,180
Well, you're probably right.
264
00:11:43,267 --> 00:11:44,399
Probably?
265
00:11:47,619 --> 00:11:49,578
Definitely!
266
00:11:49,665 --> 00:11:51,449
You know what?
Let's just make a list.
267
00:11:51,536 --> 00:11:54,017
Okay, here we go. Look at this.
268
00:11:54,104 --> 00:11:56,541
Walden...and the other guy.
269
00:11:56,628 --> 00:11:58,543
Let's just call him Dick.
270
00:11:59,806 --> 00:12:00,763
Okay.
271
00:12:00,850 --> 00:12:02,199
Ability to provide.
272
00:12:02,286 --> 00:12:03,940
Walden, billionaire.
273
00:12:04,027 --> 00:12:05,463
Dick? Less.
274
00:12:06,595 --> 00:12:08,118
That's one point for me.
275
00:12:08,205 --> 00:12:09,554
Okay, looks.
276
00:12:09,641 --> 00:12:10,730
You win.
277
00:12:12,166 --> 00:12:13,994
Thank you, Berta.
278
00:12:14,081 --> 00:12:15,473
I didn't wanna say so myself.
279
00:12:15,560 --> 00:12:17,258
Oh! There! Humility.
280
00:12:17,345 --> 00:12:19,956
That's two more checks for me.
281
00:12:20,043 --> 00:12:23,394
Okay, what else? Oh, just
an all around great guy.
282
00:12:23,481 --> 00:12:25,135
Everybody likes me.
283
00:12:25,222 --> 00:12:26,876
Who likes Dick?
284
00:12:32,273 --> 00:12:34,231
- Um--
- Berta, please.
285
00:12:36,494 --> 00:12:39,062
Oh, God.
286
00:12:39,149 --> 00:12:40,716
Zoey likes Dick.
287
00:12:44,241 --> 00:12:45,895
Who am I kidding?
288
00:12:45,982 --> 00:12:47,375
Zoey loves Dick!
289
00:12:49,551 --> 00:12:50,857
Oh, hey, hey.
290
00:12:51,988 --> 00:12:53,424
Take it easy.
291
00:13:00,736 --> 00:13:02,825
I miss her, Alan.
292
00:13:02,912 --> 00:13:04,435
I miss the way
she looks at me.
293
00:13:06,220 --> 00:13:07,308
Her smile.
294
00:13:07,395 --> 00:13:08,744
Sure, sure.
295
00:13:11,051 --> 00:13:12,182
Her hair.
296
00:13:15,011 --> 00:13:18,145
- Her cute little butt.
- Hello, sailor.
297
00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:22,279
Just the way our bodies
just fit perfectly together.
298
00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:26,718
Damn, I should've hugged him.
299
00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:30,374
♪ Men ♪♪
300
00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:33,595
Trust me, buddy,
a stranger in your bed
301
00:13:33,682 --> 00:13:36,554
is not gonna chase away
the memory of Zoey.
302
00:13:36,641 --> 00:13:38,382
What do you
suggest I do?
303
00:13:38,469 --> 00:13:41,342
Well, what usually helps me
is a bottle of supermarket vodka
304
00:13:41,429 --> 00:13:44,301
and masturbating using
my tears as lubricant.
305
00:13:46,303 --> 00:13:48,566
So I'm just supposed to
accept being alone forever?
306
00:13:48,653 --> 00:13:50,481
Hey, you will
never be alone
307
00:13:50,568 --> 00:13:53,049
because I will
never leave you.
308
00:13:53,136 --> 00:13:54,485
- Thanks.
- Can't get rid of me.
309
00:13:54,572 --> 00:13:56,357
I'm like a dry cough.
310
00:13:57,880 --> 00:14:00,056
Yeah, you might
be onto something.
311
00:14:00,143 --> 00:14:02,189
And maybe I should
just give up women.
312
00:14:02,276 --> 00:14:03,364
We should go gay!
313
00:14:03,451 --> 00:14:05,583
[chuckles]
Good one.
314
00:14:05,670 --> 00:14:07,672
But, no, I'm serious.
315
00:14:07,759 --> 00:14:09,457
Really?
316
00:14:09,544 --> 00:14:12,503
Okay, okay, if we're gonna
do it, we got to do it right.
317
00:14:12,590 --> 00:14:14,549
We'll, uh, we'll get
married in New Hampshire
318
00:14:14,636 --> 00:14:16,638
uh, register at Pottery Barn
319
00:14:16,725 --> 00:14:17,987
adopt a Chinese baby.
320
00:14:18,074 --> 00:14:20,337
Ooh, we can wear
scarves at our wedding!
321
00:14:20,424 --> 00:14:21,773
You would look
great in a scarf.
322
00:14:21,861 --> 00:14:24,254
It hides the turkey neck.
323
00:14:24,341 --> 00:14:26,256
We live together,
we like each other.
324
00:14:26,343 --> 00:14:28,171
- We're halfway there.
- Sure, sure.
325
00:14:28,258 --> 00:14:29,303
Mailman already
thinks we're gay.
326
00:14:29,390 --> 00:14:31,348
Yeah, he does.
327
00:14:31,435 --> 00:14:33,220
At-at night, we could
sit out on the deck
328
00:14:33,307 --> 00:14:34,699
and grill up
a couple steaks.
329
00:14:34,786 --> 00:14:36,919
[snorts]
Steaks? Who are we
kidding? Seared ahi.
330
00:14:37,006 --> 00:14:38,703
- Oh, better.
- Maybe some couscous?
331
00:14:38,790 --> 00:14:40,749
- Oh, I love couscous!
- Yeah!
332
00:14:40,836 --> 00:14:42,142
Yeah, and then,
after dinner
333
00:14:42,229 --> 00:14:44,187
we could go inside
and watch the game.
334
00:14:44,274 --> 00:14:45,232
Or if the game's
a blowout
335
00:14:45,319 --> 00:14:46,276
we switch to
"Project Runway."
336
00:14:46,363 --> 00:14:48,017
Yeah!
337
00:14:48,104 --> 00:14:49,584
Yeah, what
do you think?
338
00:14:49,671 --> 00:14:52,761
Mr. and Mr.
Walden Schmidt.
339
00:14:52,848 --> 00:14:55,720
So, I would take your name?
Why wouldn't we take my name?
340
00:14:55,807 --> 00:14:57,766
'Cause I'm
the breadwinner.
341
00:14:57,853 --> 00:14:59,724
So you think making
a home isn't work?
342
00:15:01,944 --> 00:15:03,554
I am sorry.
343
00:15:03,641 --> 00:15:05,643
We'll hyphenate.
344
00:15:05,730 --> 00:15:07,645
- Schmidt-Harper.
- Harper-Schmidt.
345
00:15:08,472 --> 00:15:09,604
Fine.
346
00:15:09,691 --> 00:15:12,041
I'll order the towels.
347
00:15:12,128 --> 00:15:16,524
So, listen, um...would we be,
uh, having sex like guys do?
348
00:15:16,611 --> 00:15:19,962
Oh, I would. You'd be having
sex more like a woman does.
349
00:15:21,790 --> 00:15:23,009
Hmm.
350
00:15:23,096 --> 00:15:24,227
Problem?
351
00:15:24,314 --> 00:15:26,751
No, I'm open to it.
No pun intended.
352
00:15:28,362 --> 00:15:30,320
But?
353
00:15:30,407 --> 00:15:32,018
Look, I'm willing
to take one for the team
354
00:15:32,105 --> 00:15:35,412
it's just...if this
doesn't work out
355
00:15:35,499 --> 00:15:38,241
I'd have to know I'm
gonna be provided for.
356
00:15:38,328 --> 00:15:39,808
What is that
supposed to mean?
357
00:15:39,895 --> 00:15:41,766
It means I'm not
signing a prenup.
358
00:15:44,247 --> 00:15:47,250
Excuse me, is
this seat taken?
359
00:15:47,337 --> 00:15:49,383
No, help yourself.
360
00:15:49,470 --> 00:15:50,514
Thanks.
361
00:15:52,864 --> 00:15:54,866
Yo, forget what I said
about giving up women.
362
00:15:54,954 --> 00:15:56,346
No, yeah,
I was just goofin'.
363
00:15:56,433 --> 00:15:58,653
Hi, I'm Walden.
364
00:15:58,740 --> 00:16:00,089
So close.
365
00:16:02,700 --> 00:16:04,137
♪ Men ♪♪
366
00:16:09,490 --> 00:16:12,493
I told you I had
a big backyard.
367
00:16:12,580 --> 00:16:16,714
You didn't tell me
it was so-o-o...wet.
368
00:16:18,629 --> 00:16:22,590
Yeah, I got to get
my sprinklers checked.
369
00:16:22,677 --> 00:16:24,331
This happens every day.
370
00:16:24,418 --> 00:16:27,290
[chuckling]
371
00:16:41,130 --> 00:16:43,698
Who-o-oa.
372
00:16:43,785 --> 00:16:45,656
Are you okay?
373
00:16:45,743 --> 00:16:47,658
Yeah, I think so.
374
00:16:49,965 --> 00:16:51,619
No, I don't think so.
375
00:16:56,972 --> 00:17:00,584
Um...are you
as high as I am?
376
00:17:00,671 --> 00:17:01,977
I'm pretty baked.
377
00:17:02,064 --> 00:17:03,544
[chuckling]
378
00:17:03,631 --> 00:17:05,154
You're also pretty pretty.
379
00:17:05,241 --> 00:17:06,373
Aw.
380
00:17:13,075 --> 00:17:15,295
Are you ready to get freaky?
381
00:17:17,906 --> 00:17:19,908
I am way ahead of you.
382
00:17:21,692 --> 00:17:23,346
♪ Men ♪♪
383
00:17:25,827 --> 00:17:28,830
You must think
I'm awfully easy.
384
00:17:28,917 --> 00:17:32,312
No, I think you're
wonderfully easy.
385
00:17:32,399 --> 00:17:34,792
[chuckling]
386
00:17:34,879 --> 00:17:37,447
Uh-oh, here we go again.
387
00:17:37,534 --> 00:17:39,319
I didn't expect anything
like this to happen
388
00:17:39,406 --> 00:17:40,624
when I went to a bar alone
389
00:17:40,711 --> 00:17:43,105
in a short skirt
and no underwear.
390
00:17:44,889 --> 00:17:46,891
Ah, geez.
391
00:17:46,978 --> 00:17:48,241
What's the matter?
392
00:17:48,328 --> 00:17:50,373
Nothing. I..
393
00:17:50,460 --> 00:17:52,636
I'm just coming out
of a bad break-up
394
00:17:52,723 --> 00:17:54,290
so I'm a little shaky.
395
00:17:54,377 --> 00:17:56,423
That's okay.
396
00:17:56,510 --> 00:17:58,468
I know how to make
you forget her.
397
00:18:10,350 --> 00:18:12,656
Uh-oh.
398
00:18:12,743 --> 00:18:14,832
Still thinkin'
about your girlfriend?
399
00:18:16,573 --> 00:18:17,618
No.
400
00:18:17,705 --> 00:18:19,924
It's my ex-wife this time.
401
00:18:20,011 --> 00:18:22,927
Okay. Let's try again.
402
00:18:24,668 --> 00:18:26,931
[moaning]
403
00:18:33,677 --> 00:18:35,766
Mommy.
404
00:18:35,853 --> 00:18:37,638
"Mommy?"
405
00:18:37,725 --> 00:18:40,771
Okay...daddy.
406
00:18:40,858 --> 00:18:44,035
[laughing]
Can we just hold
on for a second?
407
00:18:44,123 --> 00:18:46,821
Am I doing something wrong?
408
00:18:46,908 --> 00:18:47,952
No, no.
409
00:18:48,039 --> 00:18:50,390
I, um..
410
00:18:50,477 --> 00:18:53,393
I might just be
a little too high.
411
00:18:53,480 --> 00:18:56,439
Okay, let's slow it down.
I got nowhere to be.
412
00:18:57,832 --> 00:18:58,920
Great.
413
00:19:07,624 --> 00:19:11,454
[imitating a woman]
I could kiss you all night long.
414
00:19:11,541 --> 00:19:13,848
[Walden screaming]
415
00:19:15,458 --> 00:19:17,808
I could have made
him scream like that.
416
00:19:17,895 --> 00:19:19,506
♪ Men ♪♪
417
00:19:23,205 --> 00:19:24,293
♪ Men ♪♪
418
00:19:24,380 --> 00:19:26,295
I'm really sorry.
419
00:19:26,382 --> 00:19:27,514
Me too.
420
00:19:27,601 --> 00:19:29,298
I don't usually mistake
421
00:19:29,385 --> 00:19:30,691
the women I'm sleeping with
422
00:19:30,778 --> 00:19:33,259
for adult contemporary
pop artists.
423
00:19:34,042 --> 00:19:35,348
That's new.
424
00:19:38,568 --> 00:19:39,656
I need air.
425
00:19:45,401 --> 00:19:48,535
Alright, no pot for a while.
426
00:19:48,622 --> 00:19:50,058
[Zoey]
'Oh, well done, you.'
427
00:19:51,015 --> 00:19:52,539
It wasn't the pot.
428
00:19:52,626 --> 00:19:55,455
Would you please just
get out of my head?
429
00:19:55,542 --> 00:19:58,588
Yelling's not gonna solve
your problems, Walden.
430
00:19:58,675 --> 00:20:00,503
Oh, damn it.
431
00:20:00,590 --> 00:20:03,071
Women leaving,
that's your problem.
432
00:20:03,158 --> 00:20:05,204
Not right now, it isn't!
433
00:20:06,857 --> 00:20:08,685
It was my fault, really.
434
00:20:08,772 --> 00:20:10,078
Oh, great.
435
00:20:11,514 --> 00:20:13,516
I was the first to abandon him.
436
00:20:13,603 --> 00:20:16,476
Oh, you didn't abandon
him, you had a career.
437
00:20:16,563 --> 00:20:19,522
Huh, tell him that.
438
00:20:19,609 --> 00:20:22,569
Just all of you
just leave me alone?
439
00:20:22,656 --> 00:20:25,354
Go away, I tell you! Go away!
440
00:20:25,441 --> 00:20:27,269
No way I'm signin' a prenup.
441
00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:31,708
You know what?
Just get out of my head!
442
00:20:32,666 --> 00:20:34,407
Just leave me alone!
443
00:20:34,494 --> 00:20:36,060
♪ Men ♪♪
444
00:20:38,541 --> 00:20:41,805
♪ Men men men men
manly men men men ♪
445
00:20:41,892 --> 00:20:45,113
♪ Men men men men
manly men men men ♪
446
00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:48,072
♪ Men men men men manly men ♪
447
00:20:48,159 --> 00:20:50,249
♪ Ooh hoo-hoo hoo-hoo hoo ooh ♪
448
00:20:50,336 --> 00:20:53,556
♪ Men men men men
manly men men men ♪
449
00:20:53,643 --> 00:20:56,211
♪ Men men men men
manly men men men ♪
450
00:20:56,298 --> 00:20:58,344
♪ Ha ah ha-a-ah ♪♪ Men ♪♪
30246
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