Original subtitles

[door opens]

- Oh. Hey, champions. [door closes]

- Good morning.

- Quarterfinals in an hour.

Hope you got some sleep,

'cause I am gonna be haunting your nightmares tonight.

- I did. I got some really good sleep.

- Did you? [cup clatters]

- Zzz.

- Yesterday was the first round

of a branch-wide paper-airplane contest.

It was being sponsored by Weyerhammer Paper

in an effort to get us to sell more of their new product,

Airstream Deluxe A4, the Cadillac of paper.

It's not so easy on the environment,

if you know what I mean.

[chuckles softly]

[whispering] It's practically made of plastic.

- We started with 16 brave aviators.

Some used skill.

[cheering]

Others relied on showmanship.

[people groan]

Some buckled under the pressure.

Others seemed not to comprehend

what a paper airplane is.

all: Oh!

- And, of course,

there was the odd moment of heartbreak and disaster.

- Hey, I left my glasses down here somewhere.

Crossing through. Beep-beep.

Ow! Ow! [all gasp]

- I didn't see you.

You should have yelled "crossing"!

- I'm sorry.

[groans softly]

- Okay, so is that my spot? - Yeah.

- We are now down to an elite eight.

Well, seven and Toby.

[upbeat music]

? ?

- "Be careful of that beaker. It contains dangerous acid!"

- It does not say "dangerous."

And there's no exclamation point.

- Well, I'm just--

I'm trying to bring some life to it.

Last week, I got an agent.

And, uh, this week, I got a movie.

HRPDC chemical handling protocols.

It's gonna be seen by tons of workers

in the industrial-chemical community,

one of whom could have a cousin whose brother is Brad Pitt.

And then, boom, next thing you know,

I'm in "Moneyballs 2."

- Andy?

- Go away. We're running lines.

- You wanted to see the gooey eye.

- Oh, yeah.

All right, get over here.

I am so freaked out by things going into eyes.

It just--wow.

Ugh!

Ugh. I can't even.

I'm so freaked out by that.

Just go. Go, go, go, go, go.

- All right.

But it's getting gooier, so we'll just do it later.

- Okay.

All right. Where were we?

- Something full of acid.

- "And, remember, do not attempt

to extinguish a chemical fire with water.

It will only exacerbate the flame,

the dangerous flame."

- [clapping] That was great, man.

All right, I'm out of here.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Stop, stop, stop.

Don't go anywhere.

I just need to find more colors.

Let's do it six more times.

- Hey.

I just wanted to say that you woke up early

with the kids and let me sleep, and I really appreciate that.

- Thank you.

I appreciate that you appreciate that.

So we had couples therapy.

- No shame in that. Get it all out in the open.

- And we have homework.

- Yes, we are supposed to look for every chance to acknowledge

and appreciate each other's sacrifices,

because I need to appreciate what Pam's been doing

to run the house while I'm in Philly.

- And we're also supposed to speak our truths.

- Mm-hmm.

- Because if I had spoken my truth earlier

about not wanting to move to Philly,

then maybe we wouldn't have had this opportunity

for couples therapy.

- Oh, we're supposed to call everything we don't want to do

"opportunities."

- Heads up, everyone.

If you really need something from me today,

let's get it done tomorrow.

Carla Fern got me a gig.

- Hey.

- Yeah. - Who's Carla Fern?

- Who is Carla Fern? Well, wow.

Uh, she's my agent and my drill sergeant

and one of my best friends.

Oh, and, Oscar, I already figured out--

if I have to get emotional in the film,

I'm just gonna think about you getting dumped by the senator.

- Why don't you just use your own life?

Erin just dumped you.

- It's a little raw. Not cool, Oscar.

- But you just-- - Not cool.

- Okay, day two.

Drama in the warehouse skies. [chuckles]

This is Robert from weyerhammer Paper,

who will be joining us to judge the final rounds.

Who would've thought

there would be two full days of drama here? [chuckles]

You could've just knocked it all out in the morning

as far as I'm concerned, but you're the sponsor.

- Who's pumped for the quarterfinals, huh?

- I'm pumped!

- Clark's a dead man. - All right.

Sounds like somebody wants to walk away with this.

- Oh, my gosh. - Wow.

- [gasps] Nellie, you didn't tell us we could win money.

- Oh, yes, I did. I told you all.

It was, um--

'cause that's an awful lot of money for me to forget.

- Not one of us remembers you saying anything about $2,000.

- I forgot.

I completely forgot.

But at least now that large piece of cardboard

that man was carrying around makes sense.

- Nellie, this is a competition.

Please take it seriously. - Oh, please.

- Me? Oh, I'm fine.

I mean, sure, times are leaner

now that I'm separated from the senator,

but my new studio apartment is just fine

for me and Phillip... - [crying]

- And Tinkie and Crinklepuss...

- [meows]

- And Bandit Two and Pawlick Baggins

and Lady Aragorn

and their ten kittens. [baby screaming, cats yowling]

Oh, my God. Come here, come here.

Come here, let's go.

I had a chance with Dwight, but I didn't take it.

And if I went back now,

when I'm broke and he just inherited a farm,

I'd be one of those gold-digging tramps

you read about that try to bag a farmer.

- I offered myself to Angela, and she turned me down.

If she changes her mind, the next move is hers.

I'm with Esther now.

She's younger than Angela, sturdier,

more comfortable with the scent of a manured field.

Let's be honest-- when it came to manured fields,

Angela was at best indifferent.

[spray can hissing]

- Andy, you couldn't have done that before?

- I want to look good. - [sighs]

- Come on, jeez.

Oh, hey, if they interview you for the behind-the-scenes,

talk about how much we laughed on set.

[Andy chuckles]

My hands are really sweaty. [clears throat]

I think it's 'cause it's so hot.

- It's 50 degrees outside.

- When my hands sweat, I squeeze ice cubes.

It makes them sweat less. - Really?

- Can you go on an ice run when we get there?

- You do know I'm missing work for this?

- It's day two of a paper-airplane contest.

I think we're okay.

- Fair point.

[indistinct chatter]

- Oh, wide wings-- interesting.

- Hey. Why don't you back off?

I mean, best of luck to you in the competition.

Hey, don't look. [chuckles]

Growing up in an orphanage,

you have to fight other kids for everything--

snacks, pillows, parents.

I'm kind of worried about Pete seeing that side of me.

I once ripped greedy Susan's pigtail right off her head,

just for a handful of Crispix.

- Is this the right place? - This is it.

- You sure?

This looks like a drug deal is going down.

- Oh, there's Carla Fern.

[chuckles]

- [clears throat] Who's this guy?

- This is Darryl. He's with me.

He's my friend, and he's very honored to be here.

- Are you in that paper documentary, too?

- Yep.

- You need an agent? - No.

He's never--I mean, you never acted in anything before.

He's just my entourage.

- I was in "The Wiz" in high school.

- That's the clicky-clacker.

He clicks that, and then the guy says "action."

- Hey, I made 'em get you a chair.

All my clients sit.

- Can I take your picture?

- [chuckles] I guess it's starting.

Um, yeah.

Uh, of course. Yeah, sure.

Tell you what.

I'll put my arm around you, and then I can take it--

- We just need a picture of the top of your head

in case we burn some of your hair off.

- Got it.

I'm ready for my closeup, Ms...

What's your name? - Rabatende.

[camera shutter clicks]

Sorry.

- No, if you just keep it down until...

- [inhales deeply] Okay.

[Toby sighs]

- Okay, next up,

we have two creatures great and small.

Kevin versus Angela.

- Yes. [applause]

- Hey.

That is a really nice plane.

You make that yourself? - Uh-huh.

- Well, what am I thinking?

Of course you made that yourself,

'cause it's in the rules

that you have to fold your own plane.

- Of course.

- Kevin, did you make that yourself?

- Yes.

In a way.

From one that I bought on Craigslist.

- Oh, man. - I call for a refold!

- No. - [claps]

- Really? - You can't do that.

- Thank you.

- This is flatter.

- It's a piece of paper. You fold it into an airplane.

- Okay, that's enough.

This is the end of the ream now.

You have to pick one. - I can't.

I love them all too much.

And none of them fly, so that makes it harder.

- You have to choose one now.

- Fine.

- Angela advances. - Nice.

- Whoo!

- Was Dwight rooting for me?

Hmm.

I hadn't noticed.

- I'm not giving up.

I am gonna keep making planes until one of 'em flies,

like Wilbur and Orville Redenbacher.

- An Earl Grey tea for the lady.

- Oh, thank you.

Um...

I acknowledge and appreciate

that you went out of your way to get me tea.

- Thank you. I like being appreciated.

But to speak my truth, it wasn't out of the way,

'cause I felt like a tea anyway, so one trip.

- Well, to speak my truth,

I switched to coffee in March.

There's a new espresso machine.

But I still acknowledge and appreciate the gesture.

- She was happy with tea for ten years,

and then...

just like that.

Huh.

She still likes yogurt, though, right?

[chuckles]

- The genius of it is, in this scenario,

the actors act as co-owners.

We already trademarked the name--ActLead.

- Terrible idea.

- ActLead.

- Ta-da!

- [gasps] - Meet the lab assistant.

- Dude, what's with the clown face?

- It's professional stage makeup.

Keeps you from washing out under the harsh lights.

I learned it when I was "Nanki-Poo" in "The Mikado."

- Andrew Bernard? - Yeah.

- What's on your face?

- [British accent] A little of the old greasepaint, govna.

Lashes sold separately.

- Um, I'm gonna need him to take this off immediately.

Okay? - Okay.

- [normal voice] Question. Is it too dark?

Because this is Trinidad.

I also have Brazilian matador or man of Athens.

- Okay, how about no makeup at all?

No makeup. - No makeup?

- Yeah. - Great.

I can do that, but question.

New to the area--is there a makeup-remover store nearby?

- Uh, you'll just use soap.

Uh, I apologize, sir. We're--we're sorry.

- Okay.

- Can I just take this from you?

- What's the matter? - He got it on the coat.

- He'll pay for it.

- It's, like, $22.

[Carla sighs]

- We are rolling, and action.

- This video is to demonstrate

the HPRDC chemical-handling protocols.

These protocols could save you from severe injury, even death.

If you-- - Okay, um, stop.

Um, why are you smiling?

- I just made a character choice

to be a scientist who really likes what he does

and enjoys his job.

- Okay, well, maybe no smiling on this one.

- So how should I do it? - I don't know.

just like you're reporting the news or something, okay?

- Yeah. - Action.

- [imitating Tom Brokaw] This video is to demonstrate

the HPRDC chemical-handling protocols.

[normal voice] It's Tom Brokaw, the newscaster, come on.

- Who was that? - Tom Brokaw.

All right, save that for the blooper reel.

- There's no blooper reel. - No, there's not.

- There's gonna be a blooper reel.

- No, there's not. - Nope. No.

- It's not even up to you guys. They just do them.

- We're doing this.

- All right, okay, so how do you want me to do it?

- Like it's an industrial safety video, okay?

- Got it, got it

- Rolling, and action.

- This video is to demonstrate the HPRDC chemical--

- You're smiling again.

- By the way, just so I know...

which of these ladies are single?

- Come on! Beat by a frickin' cylcops.

- Oh, wait. Did mine go farther?

My depth perception's all off.

- What's happened now? - That one won.

- What? Him? Really?

Toby? An achievement? - [chuckles]

[applause] - Yes, yes!

- Toby. - All right.

- Oh! - Oh, jeez. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

- It's all right. Just stop touching me.

- OK. - Ugh. Oh, my God.

- Ah! Guys, quit pallin' around.

Just throw the frickin' airplane.

- Hey, hey, hey. - What?

What? - Well--

- Throw the airplane. Contest. It's a contest.

- No, Erin's not competitive.

She's just--

- Let's get this cotton-picking show on the road,

mother[bleep]!

- Calm down, Phyllis.

- Next up, we have Clark and Erin.

Make it so.

- Come on, Clark! - Come on, Clark!

- Okay, not bad, not bad.

- Yeah, I'm actually just really good at this motion.

Uh, when I was ten,

I spent this summer with my uncle in England,

and he would take me to the pub and let me throw darts.

And if I got a bull's-eye, he'd give me a sip of beer,

so I got really good at darts.

[chuckles]

But that's the summer I kind of stopped growing.

- Whoa! - Yeah!

Oh, eat it, piggy!

Eat it! Oink, oink, oink, oink!

- We still got to work together,

so we should keep it civil. - [snorting]

I can't hear what you said. [snorting]

You get your slop? [imitates pig squealing]

- All right, you know what? This is completely unnecessary.

You already won. Just stop. - Erin. Erin.

- What? - Relax.

- Next up, we have Dwight and Phyllis.

- Yeah!

- Man of the earth versus woman of girth.

- Hey.

- Oh. Oh, I'm sorry.

Look, if you have an attribute that rhymes with "earth,"

I'd be happy to use it.

- Um, mirth.

- Oh, let's be real.

- You can do it, baby!

- No, you can't, baby!

[whispering] You're gonna choke.

[Angela laughs]

- I better get back to work. We'll get 'em next year.

- What? Next year?

No, we're not doing this next year.

Are we? No, we're not doing this next year.

- Watch and learn.

- Oh. - Wow.

[cheers and applause] - Whoa, Dwight defeats Phyllis.

Dwight, you are through to the semifinals.

- Yes! - All right.

- Oh, Esther. - Hey, hey.

- What are you-- - Hey.

[loud smooching]

- You're here early.

- Yeah, I plucked the chickens extra fast,

'cause I knew I was seeing you tonight, so...

there might just be a little bit of feather in your nuggets

or just a little bit of meat inside of your pillow.

- I like a little feather in my nuggets.

[both laugh]

- All right, ladies and gentlemen,

we are now down to the final four.

Dwight, Erin, Angela,

and, God only knows how, but Toby.

One of you will walk away with $2,000.

- Yeah!

- Okay, here you have just knocked over the beaker.

The chemicals splashed in your eye.

- Which is insanely painful. - Yeah.

- And I've already picked a few childhood memories

to tap into to really express that pain.

- That's great.

So what you're gonna do then

is come over here to the eye-washing station

and then just kind of flush out your eyes, you know,

get the chemicals out, all right?

- So I just lean over this thing

and then you'll add the water special effect later?

- What water special effect?

- Yeah, just hold your lids open with one hand

and let the stream bathe your eyeballs.

Just like that.

- I'm not comfortable doing my own stunts.

I'll get nude if you want me to.

I'll go full Lena Dunham, but I--

- Dude, we don't need you to go nude, okay?

- Absolutely not.

- Just do the eyewash thing, okay?

That's all we're asking here.

- Darryl, what do I do?

- Hold up, I'm looking at my spit in the microscope.

- They want me to use real water in the eyewash scene.

- So?

- I can't squirt stuff in my eyeball.

I've never even used an eyedropper.

- So, Andy, you saw how to use this?

Step on the pedal, water squirts in your eyes.

- Carla!

Carla!

- All right, you lucky people, it is time for the semifinals.

And I'm gonna be perfectly honest with you.

The tension could be thicker.

It is time for a little T and A.

I give you Toby and Angela.

[applause] - Here we go.

- I really need to win this. - Huh?

- I could really use the $2,000.

I could buy a home gym.

- Okay. - Okay?

I-I know I'd use it, 'cause I'd see it every day.

- Toby.

Oh, my God! - Whoa!

Oh, my God. Okay, it's your turn.

- I have lost a lot in my life.

I know what "about to lose" feels like.

And it's awful.

- Well, Angela is the winner.

- Yes! [Dwight clapping loudly]

- Is there a reason that we're excited for that little woman?

- Yes. I pity her.

She was recently in a situation

where she could have had it all.

And instead, she lost everything.

- Mm. Is she a gambler?

- In a way,

but not in a stand-up-and-cheer kind of way like the song.

- Mm. That is sad.

- Look, I've got these bumper stickers.

Doubt that'll make you excited, but there they are.

There we go. Oh, look, now, now we're excited.

Now that bumper stickers are here--look at that.

That's all we needed-- bumper stickers.

- Andy, if you don't stick your eyes in that machine,

I'm gonna call every production in northeastern Pennsylvania.

You won't even make an appearance

on a security camera.

- What's the holdup here?

- The actor's crying. [Andy sobs]

- Oh, God.

- [sniffles]

She yelled at me.

I can't wash my eyeball. I can't do that. I can't.

- Andy Bernard can't squirt water in his eye

and act like it doesn't freak him out?

But you know who can?

Older male lab assistant number one.

- You believe in me?

- I believe...

I want to go home.

- Yeah! [Ester laughs]

Okay, beat that!

[Erin clears throat]

[chuckles] Whoo!

Okay.

- Damn it! Damn it!

God--

Sorry. Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine.

- Okay. Yeah. - I got mad.

- 'Cause I don't like losing, Pete.

- Yeah. - I'm just gonna--

Sorry, I'm mad, Pete. I'm mad. I'm really mad.

I wanted to win--we were gonna win a lot of money.

I was gonna buy you a sweater. So stupid.

It's just the whole contest is stupid, so it feels--

- Yeah.

[loud crash] Oh!

- Sorry! I'm mad! - Okay.

- I don't like losing! I thought I was going to win!

- Okay, hey, hey, hey.

You want to-- - Sorry. Sorry.

I'm gonna go upstairs and just...

- Oh, I made us a date to take my mom out to dinner

to thank her for all that extra babysitting.

- Well, you know how much I appreciate

the opportunity to hang out with your mom more,

so let me just put this in my calendar.

- [chuckles] I acknowledge with gratitude

that you are being kind and responsible enough

to include it in your calendar.

- [chuckles] Thank you. Your mom is a treasure.

- Well, I appreciate... [cell phone ringing]

That some opportunities-- - Sorry, it's work. Hold on.

Hey, Wade. Did Cole Hamels call back or what?

Great. Good.

- Uh, to speak my truth,

I'd appreciate if you hung that up

'cause we were in the middle of a conversation.

[cell phone thuds on desk]

I appreciate the sacrifice.

- Okay. To speak my truth, that was a little sarcastic.

I think that's a little unfair. - Really?

I've been putting the kids to bed by myself

every night for months.

And you had to miss one phone call.

Is that your truth, Jim? That's really your truth?

- I guess I will swallow my truth.

- Are you guys high?

Because if so, to speak my truth,

I would appreciate the sacrifice

of including me in some hits off your kind buds.

- We're not high.

I wish we'd started this exercise six months ago.

My heart just feels so...

blocked up.

I want to believe that talking like robots will help,

but robots aren't really known

for their emotional connections.

Although R2-D2 and C-3PO

were very attached.

Is that where we're headed?

- Hey. The Mark 47 is ready for launch.

Less paste.

- Here we go. Rolling, and action.

- [screaming]

- And cut.

We can fix the sound in post. - Yeah.

- I can do a better one.

- That's fine. We'll move on.

- I said I can do a better one.

Darryl.

- Action.

- [screaming]

- Kid can act.

- Yeah!

Yeah! - [grunts approvingly]

- And then there were two...

people interested in this contest.

Angela and Dwight, please fold your planes.

- Dwight, you are so good at this.

You're gonna need to dig us a bigger money hole.

[chuckles]

- A lot of it has to do with luck.

- Well, you know, I'm really the lucky one here, because...

I found you. - Oh, okay.

Thank you.

I don't need this win.

I've got a lucrative job,

an enormous farm, and this building.

Angela has nothing but a child, who, while adorable,

won't bring in revenue for another five or six years.

- Each contestant will throw two airplanes.

- Actually, it's best of three. - Oh, no.

No, two is already twice as many

as any normal person would find interesting, right?

Whosever plane goes the longest distance is the winner.

- After you. - Thank you.

Oh, God.

- Angela's first throw-- terrible.

Dwight.

- Oh! Oh, man!

It slipped out of my hand. What a whiff.

Ah, how'd that happen? God.

- We want you to win.

Dwight told me about your situation.

It's such a pity.

Just use the money wisely.

Okay?

- Okay.

- All right.

[paper airplane scrapes on floor]

- Don't you dare tank this.

[paper airplane thuds lightly on floor]

- And we have a winner, and it's Dwight.

And it is everyone, because this is over.

- 2 grand, huh?

I know a guy who can turn that into $800.

Hint--it's me.

- Well, I guess you needed the money more than me, huh?

Use it wisely.

I was disappointed in Dwight today.

He showed a weakness that was unbecoming,

even if he did do it for me.

I don't need pity, and I don't need charity.

I have my dignity, and that's enough.

And as long as I have that, I'll be okay.

[distant telephone rings]

- I know this was really weird,

and it was really hard.

But I think we're making progress.

So I'm really sorry that I have to go, but...

let's keep at this.

Okay?

- Okay.

[keys clacking]

[door opens]

[door closes]

Jim!

- Thanks. - All right, have a good trip.

- Bye. - Bye.

- Hey.

I...

- "Love suffers long and is kind.

"It is not proud.

"Love bears all things,

"believes all things,

"hopes all things, and endures all things.

"Love never fails.

"And now these three remain--

"faith, hope, and love.

But the greatest of these is love."

both: I love you.

- [giggles] This is it.

This is the one.

[grunts]

- Crossing.

Ow! [groans]

Oh, why?

Why?

- [grunts]

Can you stay out of the way, please?

- And the Oscar for best performance

in a dramatic safety video goes to...

Sir Marlon Brand-rew Bernard.

- Hey, Andy.

Uh, you have six messages from David Wallace.

- Oh, fudge puddle.

- And one from a Carla Fern. - Oh, okay.

I'll take that.

- Do you not want these?

- If you asked me six months ago

if I thought Andy Bernard can make it as an actor--

[chuckles] I'd have said no way.

- Oh.

- Watch where you're going, please.

- W-what'd he say?

- But now?

I think anyone can do it...

[chuckles] Even Andy.

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