Original subtitles

- Hold it!

- New glasses.

- Dwight, what a ridiculous, fancy clown you are.

- I am dressed according to the Schrute codes of mourning.

My aunt Shirley has died.

- Oh, Dwight, I'm so sorry.

Were you guys close?

- I would say that she raised me,

but let's not kid each other-- I raised myself.

She was, however, the closest thing I had to a mother.

My actual mother was very cold and distant.

I'd say she was the closest thing I had to an aunt.

- My condolences. - Keep them.

- Okay. Now, what do we got in these two pails?

- In keeping with Schrute custom,

I will either invite you to Saturday's funeral

by sprinkling red, fertile dirt in your face,

or I will ask you to keep a respectful distance

during my time of grief,

with a dusting of black, slightly acidic soil.

- What color is it? - It looks pretty black.

[spits]

- Yep. Acidic, all right.

- [whispering] Oh, thank God.

- Excuse me?

- Oh, I'm so sorry, Dwight.

And if you want me to be there, of course I will go.

It's just... I have a personal-training session.

- Okay, that's not--

- I get red dirt.

Nobody is getting red dirt.

I should've kept my mouth shut.

We're not even that close.

I've only known Dwight 12 years.

12 years...

time is a son of a bitch.

- I'm sure--I'm sure she's in a better place.

- [whispering] I really hope so.

Okay, now this is crazy.

You can't make a dirtball--

- [crying] I miss her so much. - Okay.

- You know? - [sighs]

- Aah!

[cheerful music]

? ?

- ? There's a bright golden haze ?

[guitar playing] ? On the meadow ?

? A bright golden haze on the meadow ?

[engine rumbling]

Zeke's here. - Zeke.

- Hey, Dwight.

Mose, Mom says hi.

- Hi to Mom.

- You going? - Will there be ghosts there?

- You know I can't say for sure.

- I better not risk it.

- [sighs] both: Get in the sidecar.

- Get in the sidecar.

- You get in the sidecar. - Get--

[engine rumbling]

What are you doing here? - You invited me.

You threw the red dirt in my face.

- Oh, yeah. [chuckles]

[horn honking] - Who is that?

- Jeb, my brother.

- You have a brother? - Mm-hmm.

- I didn't really see a better parking spot.

Oh!

Look what I did. [chuckles]

[car door slams] It's a rental.

[both grunting]

You want to go in? - No, you do!

- You want to go in? You want to go in?

I'll put you in there. - Okay, I'll put you--

Here we go. - Oh!

- Oh, no! Oh, no!

- Uncle! Uncle! Uncle! Uncle! Uncle! Oh!

- Oh, gosh. - Hey, Moonface.

Nice to see those shiny little Chinese eyes of yours.

- Who's this guy?

- Bad. - Hi, all!

- Why are you here, Todd?

- Okay, let's get right to it, I guess.

My name is Todd Packer, and I am in recovery.

I'm working the steps.

I'm on step eight of Alcoholics Anonymous,

step nine of Narcotics Anonymous.

I'm here to make amends.

I've been hard to deal with over the past years.

Kind of a jerk. I know it.

I don't need you to accept my apology,

but I'd love it if you did.

- Packer, we accept.

[all protesting]

- Actually, they have a specific way I need to do this,

and I have to go through examples of stuff.

Okay, uh, where to begin?

Hey...

Pam-Pam and her Pam-Pams.

Well, I have said some crude things about those.

But they are beautiful,

and I guess that's why I acted out.

Pam, I'm sorry I objectified you

and personified your breasts.

Sorry, guys.

Oh, boy.

I have not been nice to you.

Phylly,

I'm sorry for the things I said about your size

to your face, behind your back,

and in the form of drawings.

Actually, that goes to all you double-XLs.

Stanley, Kevin...

this kid in a few years.

- Todd, you're just saying insults

in the form of an apology.

- Why can't I just be nice?

Truth is...

I really like you guys. I really do.

Okay, the apology's just half of it.

The big thing is making amends,

and that's why I brought these.

I went out to the Steamtown Mall,

and I got you all cupcakes from that place Nipples.

- Think it's called Nibbles.

- Ha. The mind sees what it wants to, huh?

- Ohh...

- There you go.

- Hey, hey, guys. Wait.

Before we accept these cupcakes,

I think we need to have a conversation privately

in the conference room.

- Don't eat the cupcake.

- [German accent] We are here today...

to join this woman and the ground.

Man is born of woman,

and his life is full of turmoil.

- [chuckles]

It's crap soil. Nothing's gonna grow here.

- It doesn't matter. It's a cemetery.

- Yeah, well, I'm saying it's garbage soil, that's all.

- Well, the only thing we're planting here is dead bodies.

- That's fine, 'cause they're not gonna grow, so...

- Well, thank God they're not,

because we don't want to make zombies.

- Good. I agree. Don't worry about it.

You won't get any.

- Would the family care to say something?

- You had black hair and then gray hair.

- You were the aunt to my cousins.

Most of your life, you were 5'4".

At the end, you were 5'1".

- You drove a Volkswagen.

- They're a descriptive people.

- You were my sister.

The possessions that were yours now fall to me.

And if today's open house goes well, then...

Has everyone met my realtor David?

Then I will be able to leave this place in style.

Shirley, you've made me very happy.

[chuckles]

- This is our family?

- That's exactly the way I feel.

[whispering] I see you started without me.

- You were late, so... What am I supposed to do?

- Hi, Fannie. - Hey.

- How are you? - Who is that?

- Dwight's sister. - Dwight has a sister?

- Yeah.

- She's beautiful.

- Blech. [scoffs]

- Hello, little man.

I haven't seen you in a few years.

Wha--what is this? Oh, God.

- Just... - What'd he--

Henry. - Dwight.

- I see Esther's back in town.

- Hi, Dwight.

- Hi, Esther. Nice of you to come today.

- This was on the way. We're going into town after.

I need yarn.

- Well, if you can snap two chicken necks

with a single motion,

why use two motions to slaughter those chickens?

[chuckles]

- We're at a funeral--there's a funeral going on here.

- Okay. - Okay.

- Anyone mention her height? - Yep.

- Land size?

Shirley, at 1,600 acres,

you have the largest farm in the area,

sharing borders with six other farms

including my own farm and your nephew Dwight's.

Okay.

- Good luck finding some yarn. - Thank you.

- [clears throat]

Okay, you know, I'd like to say something, um...

other than just facts.

Aunt Shirley, I have so many wonderful memories

that I can draw from.

But the one that...

really comes to mind is when you, uh--

[cell phone ringing]

When you taught me how to ride a pony.

Remember that? - Hello?

- Are you kidding me? - It's my B-and-B guests.

- You were so patient with me and so kind,

and just... - Good.

- No one treated me like that. - No. Oh, you know what?

I can see you right now, actually.

You're going around the curve, right?

You held my hand as we walked around--

- Look out on the big green field.

You see me waving my arms? - I mean, just...

- That's me. Okay, no, no.

Okay, you're heading in the wrong direction.

- I love you, Aunt Shirley.

- You want to turn around, get onto Schrute Valley Road.

- You will be missed. - No, it's not marked.

There's a sign that says "Feces Street,"

but that's more of a historical marker.

- Oh, my... - No, that's the wrong way.

You're-- No, no.

Hello? [sighs]

No bars. - Oh.

- Huh.

Okay, you know what? I need to wrap this up.

- Let's get it going.

- Would you want to do the honors?

- Oh, right, uh...

You know, I-I don't think we have to do this.

- We Schrutes don't need some Harvard doctor

to tell us who's alive and who's dead.

But there was an unlucky streak of burying some heavy sleepers.

And when grave robbers discovered some scratch marks

on the inside of some of the coffins,

we decided to make sure that our dead

were completely dead...

out of kindness.

- That's it for me.

- I don't think we should eat Packer's cupcakes.

We can't give him the satisfaction.

- I agree, even though that place has a way

of making those cupcakes

so they're dense but they're also really fluffy.

- We can't let him buy our forgiveness with cupcakes.

He was awful to us.

And he still is.

How much is a cupcake, $2.50?

Is that the price of our dignity?

- $3.75 a cupcake, actually, $3.67 if you buy a dozen.

I never forget a number.

Names, in one ear and out the other.

Places, nope. Faces, that's rich.

But numbers...

I have a gift.

I guess that's why I'm an accountant.

- Hey, man, I don't think we met.

I'm Clark. - Oh, I'm Todd.

Oh, sorry for calling you a fat little runt earlier.

- You didn't actually say that.

- No? - No.

- Wow.

I'm in this mode now

where I'm apologizing for thoughts that are in my head.

- Hmm. [forced chuckle]

- Hey.

I have a crazy feeling

that you are really gonna like this.

- Maybe we should eat the cupcakes.

Haven't we done enough to Packer?

I mean, we sent him down to Florida on a prank,

and you did fire him.

- I did. I did, yes.

And it was purely political. He did nothing wrong.

- Would any of you be saying any of this

if the cupcakes were from Supermart?

- Do they even have a bakery anymore?

- They do. It's awful.

And it's getting worse every day.

- So it really is just about the cupcakes.

- Wow, you're right. It is just about the cupcakes.

- So we're all agreed-- no one touches those cupcakes?

- Okay. - Okay.

Packer can go to hell.

- Fannie, how's Boston?

Seeing anyone in particular? - Mm, no, not in a while.

- Getting any schtupe-schtupe in the old kling-klon?

- Yes, yes, thank you so much. Thank you for asking.

- Why don't we talk about your worm farm, Private?

- Ooh.

After I left the army,

I bought a 9-acre worm farm from a Californian.

Turns out, "worm" means something else out there,

and I am now in the business of...

pain management...

or the smoking of pain management.

- I can't stand the fact that Jeb is a pot farmer.

He could've grown anything, anything in the world.

He used to talk about growing a peanut-grape hybrid--

one plant, one sandwich.

I bet he could've done it, too.

- Okay, well, I'm just a regular farmer.

- Mm.

- That's not at all what the federal government would say.

- No. - The "federal government"?

That's a big combination of words.

- Ah, welcome. You must be the Hoskins.

I'm glad you finally found the place, come on.

Haskins, of course. Yes, Haskins.

I have your reservation right here.

- Is there some event going on here?

- Oh, just a little funeral reception.

- Maybe there's another inn nearby.

- No, no, no, it's okay. It's just finishing up.

Let's clear it up, everybody! We're done! We're out of here!

[whistling]

- She was old. It's no big deal.

- [chuckles awkwardly]

- I can offer you the irrigation room upstairs

or the newly renovated transportation-themed room

right out there.

- Listen, uh, what type of feathers are in the pillows?

- I believe the duck was a Christian,

if that's what you're asking.

- My husband is allergic to goose down.

- So...

we need to make sure there's no goose down in the pillows.

Zeke, empty all the pillows!

Here you are.

- And you did receive our fax on our dietary restrictions?

- Yep.

- It's just a fatal allergy, so we have to be extra careful.

- Uh-huh.

Enjoy your stay.

It's probably just peanuts, right?

That's the new, trendy allergy.

- How is it that you're in the hospitality business?

It's like you're actively inhospitable to these people.

- When you're running a farm, every little bit helps.

I'd hoped that the bed-and-breakfast

would thrive.

I don't know. Maybe it's the economy.

Or maybe the guests can sense how much I hate them.

And if you're looking for a getaway

that's near the Poconos but not in them,

try Schrute Farms.

- Thank you for coming to my funeral.

As I gaze at life's big sunset,

I can't help but wonder where it all went wrong.

You've all disappointed me greatly.

Fannie, a single mama in the city.

- Thank you.

- Jeb, a street pusher.

- Hmm, smart woman.

- We can't just sit by

and watch our family farm disappear.

So here are my terms.

Dwight, Fannie, Jeb,

if you come back home,

I will leave you my farm.

But it has to be all three of you.

Heinrich, if they agree, you get nothing.

So there you have it.

- Is she crazy? Dwight?

- Dwight? Buddy? - No, no, no.

- Snap out of it. [snapping fingers] Dwight.

- Let's do this. Let's run Aunt Shirley's farm.

I'm in. Boom!

- No, no, no. I'm not moving back here.

Are you crazy? - Of course you are.

- Look, I don't want to be mean or, like, insulting.

I know that you like it here.

But, Dwight, it's just that farm life lacks a certain...

sort of sophistication... - Oh, my God.

- That Cami and I are drawn to.

And... [sighs] I don't know.

The men are just-- [sighs]

It's almost like there's a-a willing ignorance.

Yes, I-- Thank you for asking me.

I actually have written a little bit of poetry.

That's crazy.

And I was recently published, which is just--

Maybe I have--yep, I do.

Here it is, from the, um, hartfordwomenslitquarterly.com.

[sighs] "A Willing Ignorance" by Fannie Schrute.

[chuckles]

- Totally. Yep.

The people here are like... [blows raspberry]

[chuckles] Like a fart.

You know what I'm saying? Like a fart.

- You know what? Let's take a couple of nights

and stay here and think about Aunt Shirley's offer.

- Couple of nights couldn't hurt.

- Oh, somehow I think a couple of nights could hurt.

- You will say yes on one. Five, four, three, two...

Get ready to say yes. One!

Yes! - Absolutely!

Growing up with Dwight and Mose was not easy.

Uh, Dwight was obviously the cool one,

and Mose was the visionary,

which left me to be the comedian.

- That doesn't work on me... - Okay.

- By the way. That's not--

- Quatre, trois, deux, un.

Oui on un. Oui, un!

- Very clever. - Oui.

- Okay. - Oui, mais oui.

- Oui, oui, oui.

- Oui. - Oh, my goodness.

What do you think I should do? - Play one of the 6s or the 9s.

- [chuckles]

Congratulations on getting the farm.

Really happy for you kids. - Yeah?

- But you're not gonna have any more of them city comforts--

your yoga parties, your bathhouses.

I'll tell you--the farm is a hard place for a homosexual.

- I am a screaming heterosexual.

[cork pops] - Oh.

[object clatters] Ha!

I just assumed-- that salon haircut, no wife,

and your choice to live on a gay farm.

That's right.

Every last one of us...

gay as the moon.

- Wha--I thought you just said that this wasn't a gay farm.

What--what are you talking about?

- Never mind.

Okay, think, think, think, think.

Here we go.

The soil's radioactive.

- Okay, that's great.

Considering your old age and proximity to death,

you might want to save some of your last words

for people who are actually listening to you.

- Fair enough, as long as you know,

if you take this farm from me, I'm gonna kill you.

- Gulp.

So who's up for a farm tour?

Huh?

Oh, isn't this nice? Gorgeous day, right?

- Mm-hmm. - Oh, look, here is our well.

I believe a young lady's first kiss

might've happened here, or at a place just like it.

Ah, youth, it dances in the brain, does it not?

[laughs] - My God, what are you doing?

- Oh, what am I doing?

People underestimate the power of nostalgia.

If baseball can use it

to get people to care about that worthless sport,

then I can use it to get my siblings

to care about the farm.

Nostalgia is truly one of the great human weaknesses.

Second only to the neck.

- Can you tell us something about what we're seeing?

- Oh, man, really?

Okay, this is a path or a road. It's made of dirt.

We might widen it at some point.

- Okay, for goodness' sake, around this bend,

we actually have one of the last natural oak forests

in the state.

- Weird.

What happened to all those... gorgeous trees?

- They've all been cut down or something.

- Darn it! Gosh!

They all got chopped down! - Yeah.

- Apparently, oak is fetching quite a fair amount

on the market by poachers.

Well, who likes beets?

We do! - Oh, my goodness.

- [scoffs] That fence is falling apart.

- And if you lived here,

we could fix it together as brothers.

- Why don't you just get Mose to do it?

- Mose always builds the fences around himself,

and I have to rip it down to let him out.

- Hey, uh, I just want to say I'm sorry for screwing you.

- I'm not sorry about it.

- I am. It was my rock bottom.

- Kevin, you can do this. - You don't know that.

- Kevin, um, let's think of something to distract us.

Like the movie "Skyfall."

You loved the movie "Skyfall," right?

- Mm-hmm.

- James Bond was a spy.

- Yes, he was a good spy. - Yeah.

He was the best.

James Bond would love this cupcake.

- Hey, you know what?

It was, uh... great to see you all again.

Take care.

[door opens]

I am going through a 12-step program.

I'm currently on step zero...

which is, have a [bleep]load of fun.

I spent six hours

carefully removing the frosting

and then layering in a variety of drugs,

some legal, some not...

some laxative, some constipating.

You don't fire the Packman...

and expect to get away with it.

- Guys, I'm proud of us.

I think we did the right thing.

Hey!

- What, Pam? - Wait!

- He's gone. It's just a cupcake now.

- No, no! It's the principle of the thing.

- Oh, my God.

I forgive him so much.

- [gagging]

- Whoa! Is he choking? - Kevin?

- [coughing]

Oh, that was fantastic.

- Well, look at this--

a boy in the wilderness, how picturesque.

- Nice to meet you.

[chuckles]

- All right, let's continue, okay?

Okay, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Come here. I just got to talk to you for one second.

Are you trying to put me out of business?

- Are you sure you're in business?

- Very funny.

The handshake, that gross wilting of your limb--

it's disgusting.

People come here to have gruff-farmer handshakes.

You understand?

They want handshakes like that, they can go to the ballet.

- I shake hands fine.

- No, you do not shake hands fine.

Here's how you shake hands.

Extend your hand to me, firmly. Look me in the eye.

Now grasp my hand. Squeeze it.

- I am. - No, you're not.

Hurt me. Do it.

- I don't-- I don't want to hurt you.

- No-- [grunts]

Squeeze it hard. - Uncle Dwight!

- Squeeze it, or it will kill you.

- What do I do? - Kill it! Squeeze it!

Choke it! - Dwight, no!

Are you okay?

What is wrong with you? - Oh, relax.

It doesn't even have fangs. [snake hissing]

- What are you doing? [scoffs]

That's it, we're leaving, first thing in the morning.

Unbelievable.

Watch out.

- That sucks, huh?

Game over on that one, right? - Hey, no.

It's not over till-- - I can't stay here either.

I have a--I have a really killer harvest this year.

I'm gonna make a lot of money.

I'm sorry, man. I know you wanted the farm.

[insects chirping]

- [sighs]

[distant bird calling]

[goat bleats]

- Is that a guillotine?

- This? No.

That'd be cool, though. It's for milking.

- That's a cow?

[milk splashing in bucket]

- Did you just ask me if this was a cow?

- What are you doing now?

- Come here. Come on.

[milk splashing in bucket]

Grab a teat with each hand. Sit down.

[goat bleats]

There you go. Squeeze from top to bottom.

Really pull, use some muscle.

Draw the milk out. All right, going all right?

- I don't know.

- Well, is the udder hot? Is the milk clumpy?

- I don't know any of that. - Okay, you suck at this.

Give me those teats. [clears throat]

[sighs]

Didn't your father teach you anything?

- I never met him.

Is it dangerous to take the eggs in front of them?

- Yes, very, you really need to stand back,

'cause these are killer chickens.

- I was just asking you something I didn't know.

- Which is fine, and you learned something,

but it was kind of a stupid question,

so you're gonna get made fun of a little bit.

[clears throat]

- Are we gonna eat these today? - If you want.

- Mom says there's nothing as good as these farm eggs.

- She said that?

- Mm-hmm.

- Here I was, appealing to her mind,

but nostalgia is buried in the senses.

Just wait till my sister gets a whiff of my eggs.

[chuckles] And as for Jeb--

Yes, hello?

Uh, I would like to report an illegal marijuana farm

in Northern California.

This is for the owner's own good.

Mm-hmm.

And afterwards, I'd like to be connected to the Pentagon

on an entirely different matter,

about something I saw in the sky.

- Good morning, Erin.

- Hey.

- Hey, everybody.

Um... [clicks tongue]

I decided to eat my cupcake.

I thought about it last night.

I talked to Jim, I talked to my sister,

and I think that as long as Todd Packer doesn't know,

it's okay.

- I don't care what you do, Pam.

Just please stop making noise. - Phyllis!

- Packer laced the cupcakes.

- No!

- Did you get diarrhea, or were you stoned?

- Some of us got both. - Oh, my God!

Is everyone okay?

- Last night, I got out all of my old dolls

and played with them on the living-room floor.

Then I ordered ten American Girl outfits online.

It was thousands of dollars.

- Yeah, well, count yourself lucky, Phyllis.

[whispering] I got the toilet.

- Me too.

- I went Christmas caroling... in March,

and I fertilized some bushes along the way.

So not my best night.

But not my worst night.

- [sighs] What did you do, Andy?

- Last night!

Oh, God, um...

I don't know. Noth-nothing, really.

Kevin? - Why would you ask me?

- I'm not--I'm not a-- I just--I don't know.

[both screaming]

Oh...

gosh, actually, it is hard to recall.

Um, pretty normal night.

- My night was just like that...

Yep. - Okay.

[pants tearing] - Meaning normal.

- Yeah, I didn't see you last night at all.

- Nope, I did not see you either.

[Kevin groans loudly]

- Wow. He is officially the worst human being.

- Ah!

- But... Kevin, that's--

- Yeah, no, I understand, Pam.

I understand.

- No. Ohh.

- The scene was incredible, John--

the biggest raid in years,

as police discovered over six tons of marijuana.

The land has now been confiscated,

and the fields will be burned.

[whisk swishing]

- Oh, good morning. Didn't see you there.

And here we are, just like every morning.

Have a seat. - Thank you.

- Allow me. [grunting]

And welcome.

I hope you'll like the freshest farm eggs

you've ever imagined in your life.

- Are those the eggs I collected?

- Not relevant.

- You collected eggs? - I got them this morning.

- Okay, he didn't really help. He collected, like, four eggs.

- Five. - Five is like four.

It's the same thing.

- Did you use the milk that I milked?

- You squeezed, like, eight pumps out of a goat.

Ah, Fannie, I remember how much you liked bacon.

- Oh. I liked ham, but...

I have ham--

cut into thin strips and prepared in the style of bacon.

- What is this? - White rice.

Ta-da.

- Hey, you know what's weird?

Um, I've been thinking

that being around this place is kind of what it's all about.

I have decided to stay

and work on the family farm.

So...

180.

Let's farm this old slut...

of a farm. [clears throat]

- Sounds like you and I are in. - Yeah.

- Oh, too bad about Fannie, though.

- Too bad.

- Unless... - No.

- Eggs, bacon, biscuits, and steak okay for you?

- That'll do. - Oh, for God's sake.

- She could change her mind. - Not gonna change my mind.

both: [droning] Yes... - No.

Doesn't work on me, you guys.

- So that's it. I just wanted to make amends.

- Wow. - That's big of you, man.

Takes a lot of courage.

- Ooh. Red velvet.

I should apologize, too.

- It's okay.

I'm over it.

[upbeat music]

? ?

- ? When we arrive, sons and daughters... ?

- Ooh, this is no nine-acre worm farm.

This is a beast.

Whoever's managing this thing is gonna have a hell of a job.

- Mm-hmm.

- Not it. - Not it.

- It.

If your kid doesn't put in some farm time,

he's gonna stay like that.

- [chuckles] All right, fine.

- ? When we arrive, sons and daughters ?

? We'll make our homes on the water ?

? We'll build our walls aluminum ?

all: ? When we arrive, sons and daughters ?

? We'll make our homes on the water ?

? We'll build our walls aluminum ?

? We'll fill our mouths with cinnamon ?

? Now ?

? ?

- So I forgot about this old custom.

If a man is interested in courting a woman,

he may throw the beaks of a crow at her.

And then if she's interested in accepting the courtship,

she has to destroy the beaks.

? ?

all: ? When we arrive, sons and daughters ?

? We'll make our homes on the water ?

? We'll build our walls aluminum ?

? We'll fill our mouths with cinnamon ?

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