Original subtitles

[cheerful music]

? ?

- Hey.

I feel so lucky we're in the same city for Valentine's Day.

- It's like magic.

Or it's like me getting on my hands and knees

and begging my partners to switch a Tuesday

for a Thursday. - Alakazam.

- By the way, they do need an extra day next week.

- And poof, he disappears.

- [snaps fingers]

- Hey. Want to play hooky today?

- Oh, maybe. What do you got in mind?

- We can do anything you want.

I really want to have fun today

because tomorrow is going to be a nightmare.

Andy's coming back from his stupid, dumb boat trip.

He's been rude, he's been selfish,

I think he's a big jerk, and I'm breaking up with him.

Bam, Andy! How you like me now?

I hope as a friend.

- Erin says she's gonna break up with Andy,

but I'm not sure.

He's coming back tomorrow, and surprise,

today she wants to do whatever I'd like.

You know, when I was a kid, we had a dog who got real sick,

and we had to send him to a farm.

And on his last day, we did everything he loved.

- [gasps]

- [chuckles]

- Want to play catch in the parking lot?

- Sure. - Great.

- Get my coat. - Perfect.

- [knocks on door] [murmurs] Come in.

Andy, hi, I just made another huge sale

for the company that you manage,

so I need you to authorize that expense report

and sign off on that contract.

I would be happy to.

It would be my pleasure, Mr. Schrute.

Rink-a-dit doo, rika-doot-deet doo, rika-deet-doo.

I really like Andy these days.

He's pretend, and he does exactly as I tell him to.

All that will change when real Andy comes back tomorrow.

Unless he comes back as pretend Dwight,

in which case,

we're in for an epic, confusing showdown.

- [sighs]

- Nellie, what's wrong with your face?

- Andy's coming back tomorrow.

- Oh.

- Ugh.

I guess I'll be back to one lunch and one nap a day.

I feel like I'm in the service again.

- Oh, yeah. [chuckles]

With Andy away, it's been a lot of fun.

In fact, our desk clump has kind of become fun central.

We get a little crazy.

- I might be alone here,

but I'm happy Andy's coming back.

You can never have too many ding-dongs on the dance floor.

You know what I'm saying?

- Andy left a carton of milk in the fridge,

so I've been sneaking a little bit

every day for the last three months.

It's been yummy.

But now Andy's coming back.

So...

I guess it's good-bye, chunky lemon milk.

Okay, I'll say it.

I wish Andy had stayed on his trip.

- I say we all have one last fun boss-less day.

- Yeah, let's get some booze and some cocaine

and just blow it out, no consequences.

- Or the mini mall.

They have all these Valentine Day deals.

And you get 20% off if you come in

with your husband or your boyfriend.

But, I mean, if you don't have one of those,

you can probably just bring

whoever it is you use to kill your loneliness.

- Phyll, I'll pretend to be your husband.

I'm already sick of you, so it'll seem realistic.

- Oh... - They have a nail salon there

where I get my feet detailed.

They use a watch-repair kit.

- Ooh, I'll be your foot buddy.

- And what are you doing loitering about?

- Well, I just--I just usually sit at Jim's desk

when he's not here, but he's here today, so...

- Oh, I'm sorry. Did you need something?

- Yes. I, uh...

just needed to delete a couple...

files, just move them to the old recycle bin.

- Great.

- And just empty that recycle bin.

- Okay.

- And just disable the deleted-files recovery.

[computer beeps] - I'm not--

I'm not gonna look at your files, Clark.

- And... restart. [computer chimes]

We're all good.

- Everyone, it is our last day here with no manager.

I say we go to the mini mall.

Clark, you will be my fake boyfriend

so I can get the discount. - That's what I do.

- I like dynamic men.

Toby's not my type, and I don't want to lead him on.

Clark is also not my type,

but leading him on does not concern me in the least.

- Do it.

- Darryl, everyone seems to be pairing off.

Do you want to pretend to be a couple so we get the...

- No.

Yes. Yes. Why wouldn't I...

want to pretend to be gay?

I got no problem with that.

- All right, it'll be easy. Don't be nervous. Just follow--

- Stop talking about it. I said I'm fine with it.

- These are gross. - They are terrible.

- Oh, hey, don't fill up on chocolates.

I made us a lunch reservation at State Street Grill.

- Oh, my God. That's so romantic.

- It's with Brian and Alyssa. - Oh, my God.

That's less romantic.

- I know, but we should go.

We need to thank him for, you know, saving my life.

- Yeah, yeah, no, totally. That's good.

So should we just get a bottle of wine later and celebrate?

- That sounds nice.

- I'm very excited to see Brian.

Brian's a great guy,

and Pam and I have gotten really close

to he and his wife, Alyssa, over the years, and...

he got fired for protecting my wife

from a jerk in the warehouse.

I'm sorry, but you know him. He's a good guy.

- Oh, you're good.

- Or lucky.

- Oh, yeah?

Feeling lucky now, punk?

- Oh. I am.

I am feeling very lucky right now.

- Well, me too.

- Oh.

both: Oh.

- Ham it all to deli!

All right.

It's under the car. You got to go get a stick.

Come on, Pete. [whistles] Go get a stick.

- His name was Darby. He was a beagle mix.

And much of his last day was spent playing with a stick.

[indistinct chatter]

- Yes, double trouble.

- Oh, Tiny Foot Lady is back.

- Oh... - Oh, get the baby clipper.

- [gasps] - Oh, so cute.

[excited chatter]

- Hi, Hae-joo.

Hi, Soo-han. Hi, Min-ji.

Hi, Jae-sun.

- Wow. You know all their names.

- No, that's the great thing about Korean names.

You just say whatever.

- Hi, Betty. Hi, Leroy.

- You take off your glasses.

- Okay.

- [giggles]

- What?

- Your boyfriend-- he look like a pretty girl.

- My boyfriend does look like a pretty girl, doesn't he?

Yes, a very little pretty girl.

And you know what? I think you are developing.

We should go and get you a training bra.

- [giggles] - [laughs]

- Oh, you guys both think this is funny?

- [laughing] It's quite funny. - Well, you know what?

No more discount.

Excuse me! - What? Shush!

- Full price.

We're not together. - Oh, come on.

- She's living a lie.

- Turns out I can't even be in a pretend relationship.

both: Oh!

- Sorry. - That's all right.

I'll get it.

Oh.

Uh...

Oh.

Some homeless guy stashed his stuff back here.

- Oh, ew. Oh, Pete, drop it.

- Yeah? - Drop it. That's dirty, Pete.

Come on.

- Ooh!

- Pete, drop it. Drop it, Pete.

No, that's dirty.

You're not bringing that in the office.

- [exhales sharply] - Did you even get the Frisbee?

- Oh. - No, stay.

- Hi. We'd like the couples discount

on a pair of foot massages.

- No, no discount for two men.

Two men are not a couple.

- We are together, romantically.

- Two men. - [speaking Korean]

- [scoffs, laughs] Doesn't work. No discount.

- Oh, it works.

Him and me, all right, we are crazy in love.

More in love than your small mind can comprehend.

And we have two disposable incomes and no kids,

and we're taking our business elsewhere.

- [softly] Oh...

- [exhales deeply]

Oh.

[indistinct chatter]

- Hey. - Hey, Brian.

- Hey. - Sorry we're late.

- Oh, uh, no problem. Uh, I finished all the bread.

- Oh. - [laughs] Yeah, okay.

- What?

- He's on a no-carb thing, supposedly.

- Oh.

- [sighs] It's great to see you guys.

Thanks for coming. - Yeah.

- Are you kidding? Thank you, man.

I mean, I've wanted the opportunity to say thanks

for...

everything, and I'm really sorry about the job.

That just seems crazy. - It's fine.

What are you gonna do?

But if you guys know of any work, I'm fully available.

- Well, my dad can't hear a thing.

You could boom his whole life for him.

- That--okay, great. Does he pay well?

- [laughs] Where's Alyssa?

- Uh, yeah.

Um, you know, Alyssa's-- she's not gonna make it today.

- Oh. - Um...

actually, we're not gonna make it.

Uh, we're splitting up.

- I have yet another sales order for you to sign.

Why, thank you, Mr. Schrute. I don't know how you do it.

You're a god.

Rink-a-dink, deet, deet, doo.

- Hi, Dwight.

- You're back.

And you're disgusting.

- Aw, jeez, my nails aren't dry yet.

I don't think I can work for at least a couple hours.

- Mm-hmm.

- Well, well, well, look who it is.

- Andy.

- I guess I can cancel my order from zappos.com,

because, oh, the loafers have arrived.

- Andy. - Hey! Sweetheart!

I missed you so much.

- Yes. Oh.

Welcome back, buddy. - [chuckles]

I have been dreaming of this moment.

- Me too. So much. I'm so happy.

I am really, really bad at breakups.

Technically, I'm still dating my first-grade boyfriend.

I mean, we just had our 20th anniversary.

And I forgot to get him something.

- What happened? We thought you were coming back tomorrow.

- Well, Valentine's surprise for Erin.

Hello? Super romantic.

And I got you something.

Oh, it's a couple of pieces of bamboo, big deal, right?

No, these are musical instruments.

It's so we can play island music together,

'cause I have this.

[rhythmic beat]

Clop the cloppers.

Yeah, clop 'em. [both playing]

It's called bembe.

It's the sound that saved my life.

- It's extremely grating. - Isn't it?

It grates away the stress, grates away the worries

until all that's left is the bembe.

Come on, join me.

? Yoruba, yoruba ?

- ? Aruba, yoruba ?

- ? Yoruba, yoruba ?

- ? Aruba, raruba ?

- Hey, Burning Man, if it's not selling out too much,

you might want to throw on a tie.

David Wallace is gonna be here in an hour.

- Obviously, that's why I'm here.

I mean, I came back early to surprise Erin.

Happy Valentine's Day, sweetheart.

- But I'm just saying--

I'm also excited about the Wallace meeting.

- Why? Isn't he just coming in to rip you a new one

for being gone three months?

- No, please, come on, Clark.

Wallace knows that he's been gone for the last three months.

Right?

Wallace does know

that you've been gone for the last three months?

- I have no idea. I don't know what he knows or doesn't know.

But we've been in touch the whole time.

I mean, it's not hard to get high-speed Internet

in Turks and Caicos, people.

It's in every bembe cafe.

- He only emailed me four times.

- Question. Where's Jim?

- He and Pam are having their Valentine's Day lunch.

- For two hours, really?

- So you're concerned

about peoples' long absence from their place of work.

- If the shoe fits...

? Yoruba, yoruba ?

- ? Ruba, yoruba ?

- We were telling two different versions of the same story,

and then everything just went numb.

- Well, I mean, that's okay.

It doesn't mean that it's over, right?

I mean, couples fight.

- Yeah, that's the thing-- when we were fighting,

it weirdly felt like the relationship was still alive.

And it wasn't until we stopped fighting that...

we realized it was over.

[voice breaking] It's over.

I'm sorry, this is-- Oh, my God, okay.

We have to stop seeing each other like this.

Uh, we have to find a different way to communicate

other than breaking down in front of each other.

- [chuckles] Yeah. - What?

- At least my crying won't get you fired.

- Right.

- [sighs]

- "Crying"?

[knock on door, door opens] - Yo.

Hey.

Any idea who's been using my office while I was gone?

I found this crate of beets under my desk.

- Huh. Could be anybody. It's a very popular snack.

Crunchy like an apple

but without all that flavor to get in the way

of the texture. - Right.

- Can you sign that? - Yeah.

Hey, so I noticed that you landed

the Scranton white pages account.

That is tremendous.

- Thank you. - [chuckles]

And you sold it to Jan, too, I mean...

- Yes. [laughs]

- I'm impressed. - [laughs] Yeah.

- Well, there's one problem.

Couldn't help but notice that you offered

a price point that was not approved by the head office.

So...

got to run that stuff by me, Dwight.

- You were on a boat. - I was...

- On a boat in the ocean.

- Okay, the issue is that you need to run this stuff by me.

Coolio?

Are we coolio?

Just say the word "coolio." - I'm not gonna say it.

- Say it. - Not a word.

- Coolio. - No.

[dial tone drones] What do you think you're doing?

- Just gonna call the Scranton white pages

and clear this right up. - Don't you dare, Andy.

[line trilling] - Hello?

- Oh... - Hey, Jan. Nard Dog here.

- Oh, Andy...

- I was just looking over the paperwork.

I found a little hiccup. - Really?

- Yeah, it appears my employee offered you a price

that he was not authorized to.

- Hmm. - Coolio.

- Seriously? You're calling me

a few weeks after finalizing our contract

to gouge me now for more money?

Is that what you're doing? - Coolio. I'm coolio.

- No, no, no, Jan, I think you misunderstood.

- Yeah. - I'm coolio.

- It's--it's actually just an issue--

- You know what, uh, Nard Dog?

There is an option in the contract

that allows me to back out within 30 days of signing,

so I would like to exercise that option.

- No, Jan, please do not listen to this boob!

Remember Clark. He gave you everything, everything.

- Jan, I don't know what he's talking about, but--

- Tell Angela to send me a final invoice.

[line clicks, dial tone drones]

- Please, Ja--Ja-- - Ooh.

Oh.

That was not...

how I had hoped that would go.

- You just lost the largest contract

this company has had in five years.

- Well, you know what they say. Easy come, easy go.

- This contract was not "easy come."

It was "incredibly difficult come."

- Oh.

What do you think this means regarding the bonus?

- Hey, everybody, great job.

Listen, we're a smidge behind on my paychecks.

- Yes, well, as you know, we get paid on Fridays.

And you haven't been here for 12 Fridays.

- All right. Thank you very much.

Looking good.

Who's that little fella?

- It's a bonus check for you from Wallace...

because the branch exceeded its targets over the past quarter.

- Wow, that's wonderful. - Quarter's three months.

That's how long you've been gone.

- Mm-hmm. - Mm-hmm.

- Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Thank you.

Great, well, we're all up to speed.

- Two seconds of the Turd Dog,

and he loses the biggest sale this branch has ever seen.

- Do you have any idea what I had to do

to get that sale from Jan?

I mean, I went all out, all out.

I mean like everything was out the whole week.

- He just waltzes back in here

like he owns the chunky lemon milk.

Who needs him, right?

- God, I just don't know what we do.

I mean, short of telling David Wallace

that he was gone for three months...

I'd like to rat out Andy, but, unfortunately, I have

a bit of a "boy who cried wolf" dynamic with David Wallace,

except instead of a boy, I'm a man,

and instead of a wolf, I cried,

"genetically engineered monster wolf."

- I-I'm not gonna rat on him. Andy gave me a second chance.

So the least I could do is let somebody else rat on him.

Meredith, why don't you?

- Meredith Palmer ain't never been called no narc.

Floozy? Yes. Alkie? Check.

Einstein sarcastically? You bet.

But never no narc.

Vomit mop? Sure. Floor meat? That's me.

Flesh hoover? Hi. - Hey--

- Meredith, that's plenty, all right?

That's more than plenty.

Why does no one stop her?

- Guys, I know that a lot of people are mad at Andy,

and believe me, I am, too.

But he has been through a lot,

and we all used to love him, right?

So, if he's gonna get in trouble,

just let it be his fault, not ours.

I-I don't want that on my hands.

- Fine. [scoffs]

The state he's in, Wallace will take one look at him

and probably fire him anyway.

- What's going on in here, dirty players?

Let's get back to bustin' some paper rhymes.

Come on.

? Who's that girl? ?

? Who's that girl? ?

It's Andy.

[chuckles]

All right. [snaps fingers]

Back to work.

- Okay, I can tell you're mad at me.

Do you want to just, um, I don't know, tell me why?

- I don't know.

I thought that was a little weird.

You told me Brian got fired for the whole warehouse thing.

And you intentionally left out

a kind of major intimate detail.

I don't know, Pam, I guess I just feel like a chump...

who knows less about his marriage than the sound guy.

- I didn't tell you about the crying

because I didn't want you to know how upset I was,

because it would've stressed you out,

and you're always saying

how much you don't want more stress.

- Yeah, well, yeah, okay. Well, then thank you.

Thanks to both of you. - It's not Brian's fault.

- No, you're right, and--and I'm not mad at Brian.

And to be honest, I probably don't have any reason

to be mad at all because I wasn't there.

So let's just forget about it.

- Okay.

- [sighs]

- I need you guys to tell me

all the highlights from the last three months,

in case David asks.

Just a few things I could sprinkle into conversation.

Any big sales or office gossip?

- Well, we had the Scranton white pages.

- Not helpful. Let's stay positive, people.

Okay? - Hey, guys.

- Hey, David, how are ya?

Oh, we were just having our weekly round table,

where we motivate each other.

I'm not gonna lie--I get as much out of it as they do.

- Sounds great. Don't let me interrupt.

Whatever you guys have been doing this last quarter,

I couldn't be happier with the numbers.

- Thank you. - Blown away, honestly.

Tremendous. Well done.

- Wow. Well, I wish I could take all the credit,

but I also have to thank a first-rate Cornell education.

- [softly] Oh, my God.

- Well, finish up.

I'm gonna meet with Val about that warehouse guy

you had to let go, and you and I will talk in 15 minutes?

- Great. - Great job, everybody!

- [softly] We had to let a warehouse guy go?

- You know Pam's mural? Well, Frank--

- Lit the whole thing on fire. It was crazy.

- What? - Yeah.

- There was a fire in the warehouse?

- The whole thing is in ashes.

Fire department was here. It was in all the papers.

- Whoa.

- This is what I'm talking about.

This would be good to know. All right, what else?

- We started selling balloons.

- What? - Yeah.

And, uh, Kathy Ireland signed on

as the official spokes-babe of Dunder Mifflin.

- No kidding.

- Yeah, in the European billboards,

she's gonna be topless. - [chuckles] Wow.

Go, Kathy. She's, like, 50.

- They're tasteful. - Good, good. What else?

Meredith, what's with the hair?

- I married an Orthodox Jewish man--

Myron Hannukah.

- Go, Meredith!

All right, what else?

- This year has been a wild ride.

- Who knew the balloon game would be so lucrative?

And thank God, right? We needed the income after the fire.

- What fire? - The warehouse fire.

Weren't you just down there? It's, like, burnt to ashes.

- It looked fine to me.

- I am speaking metaphorically, of course.

You know I have lots of irons

in the "fire." - Mm-hmm.

- Well, that's one of 'em, you know.

Making sure that the warehouse logistics

is a well-oiled, properly stoked fire.

- Okay.

- I think you'll agree I explained that pretty well.

- Thanks, Andy. - Thank you.

- All right. Everyone.

[door opens, closes]

[scraping rhythmically]

- The fish sounds great. - Yeah, I guess.

- Really playing the scales, huh?

- Yeah, I don't know.

It just sort of sounds like noise to me now.

You think I need a new fish?

- I don't love you anymore. - What?

- I still like you, but you were gone a really long time,

and you didn't really email me all that much.

You re-tweeted me a lot, to be fair.

But I don't love you.

- Okay, I get it. You're unhappy.

I've been gone a long time, and we lost a little bit of juju,

but you and me, we have a future.

There is a lot of love here.

- I just said there isn't love.

- On your side.

But there's tons on my side. It's gushing.

We're just out of sync right now.

But that's just timing, and what's timing?

I mean, my parents lasted 30, 40 years.

They were never happy at the same time.

- I guess.

- I mean, what do we have left?

35, maybe 40 years, if we're lucky?

I mean, I have spent a lot of time in the sun.

- You got really sunburned.

- I'm gonna be a prune in, like, three years.

- Ugh...

- I know you may not be feeling love

for me right now,

but if you fake it,

I won't be able to tell the difference.

So I'll feel good.

And then, eventually,

maybe you'll actually start to love me again.

- You really think we can get that back?

- Yes.

Come on. [smooches]

Totally.

- You know what?

Maybe we should cancel that bottle of wine tonight.

- Oh? - Yeah, I just feel like I got

a bunch of stuff to do in Philly,

and I'm sure you have stuff to do, so we can just...

I don't know, drop me at the bus station?

- Are you sure?

- I just feel like we're gonna fight.

- Yeah.

- So...

how about let's not?

- Okay.

- Oh, um...

Happy Valentine's Day.

Sorry. I-I didn't have time to wrap it.

- Wow. I didn't know you kept this.

- Yeah. Yeah. - Thank you.

- No problem.

- I don't think you should go to Philly tonight.

I think that you should stay, and I think we should fight.

- You really want to fight on Valentine's Day?

- Yeah, I do.

- Okay.

All right, put your dukes up, Beesly.

- Hi.

- Hey, you okay?

- I couldn't do it.

- Oh.

- I'm sorry.

- Oh, you don't have to apologize.

I just--I just want you to be happy, okay?

[chuckles]

[door opens]

- We're breaking up.

And just so you know,

I was worried that you were dead.

You were gone for three months.

- Andy? David. Still here.

What was that about three months?

- Being a pretend couple was fun.

I mean, the real stuff will happen tonight with Bob,

but for a day at work...

- Can't beat a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.

- Exactly. [chuckles]

See, he finished my sentence.

We almost could be a real couple

if we didn't find each other so unattractive.

- Extremely unattractive. - Yeah.

- Wasn't too bad. Oscar bought me lunch.

We went to another manicure place.

The ladies there are much more progressive.

Not sure I should've let you talk me into these.

- I think they look great.

And it could be either baller or gay, so it works either way.

You know, maybe this is the best way

to do Valentine's Day-- faking it.

- But it would be nice to finally meet

that special person that means something to you.

That way, you can just relax and enjoy the day.

- Amen to that.

- I went traditional-- polish and buff.

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