Original subtitles

- Have you seen Darryl?

- He's around here somewhere.

- Hmm.

- Yeah, Darryl's here.

So is Santa Claus.

It's just a regular Thursday.

Neither guy is here.

And it's Friday.

Welcome to me and Darryl's world of lies.

Nobody knows it yet,

but Darryl already started working in Philly.

So now he has to sneak out of here

like the sneakiest little sneaky sneak

you ever saw.

And I'm his helper.

It's so fun.

Hi, Darryl.

Here are your full-color printouts

for this business!

- Hey, Erin, I'm going to the bathroom.

- Is it gonna be a tough one?

- Could be.

- Take your time.

Normally, I don't do shady stuff,

but seeing as Andy's been gone three months

and Clark took some sort of sex vacation,

I figure I can cut loose a little.

I'm good at it too.

Darryl, meet Bear-yl.

- How much did you pay for that?

- Nothing. Won him at the carnival.

Spent a ton on tickets, though.

Drive safe.

- Everybody knows I go to Philly.

I've just been using sick days I saved up.

But Erin was so excited about being sneaky-sneaks,

I went along with it.

- [laughs]

Darryl, you are too much.

That guy's hilarious.

He's here today.

[cheerful music]

? ?

- You're kidding.

You have to work Saturday and Sunday?

- Yeah, maybe you could come up here.

I could get us into the Sixers' practice facility,

get Cece working on her dunks,

maybe see you guys for dinner.

- Yeah, well, I was kind of hoping

to work on my mural this weekend.

I mean, I want to get it finished

so I can start working on the other one.

- Blow it off.

I haven't seen you guys in days.

- You blow it off!

- Pam, I'm not saying murals aren't important.

- But? - Nothing.

I'm just not saying they're not important.

- Uh, okay, good, 'cause it kind of sounded like

you were gonna say that murals are important,

but not as important as something else.

- Oh, I certainly did not say that.

Only a fool would say that.

- Yes, only a fool would.

Good save, Halpert.

I've really been putting in the hours on this mural.

And my boss is totally okay with it,

because he's in the Bahamas

and has no clue what anybody's doing.

I'm usually very self-critical. I hate what I paint.

But I don't know.

This time I feel like it's-- it's really coming together.

Oh, my God!

What? You've got to be kidding me.

What--are those-- are those butts?

Huh?

No way.

No way!

- Excuse me, everyone.

Is it okay if I leave early from work today?

It's Phillip's first birthday,

and the senator and I are hosting

a party at our house.

- Oh, cute, so there'll be a bunch of kids.

- No. No children.

Our house is not kid-friendly.

Most of our furniture is sharp.

Also, ew.

It will mostly be campaign donors.

- Donors?

As in hors d'oeuvres?

- Mm-hmm. - Stuff stuffed with stuff?

- Of course.

- Angela, I am prepared to donate

a whopping $8 to Lipton for America

to have an invitation-- - No, no, please.

You know, actually, none of you could even

really make the cut for this thing,

which I am so sad about.

- Hey, Angela.

You're going to find out,

so I thought I'd let you know that Robert invited me too.

- What?

- He said he wanted me there for support.

- I'm... his wife.

- Angela's husband and I are in love,

but as a politician in this town,

you still need the conventional blonde wife

on your lawn signs.

He is risking everything to have me there today.

[chuckles]

Me.

- We agreed that you wouldn't be seen with him in public.

It's humiliating for me.

Well, if you get to bring a stud,

maybe I do too.

What?

No, you wouldn't like him!

God, Robert, you're insatiable. [sighs]

Have you been doing your hetero conversion exercises?

Well, you have to plug it in.

It doesn't shock you if you don't plug it in.

And you put it--oh, forget it!

- Hey. - Hey.

- We are splitting a sublet on a place near Philly.

- Just a couple of grown, sexy-ass roommates.

- And as much as I miss Pam and the kids,

it's kind of nice to live the bachelor life again.

You know, let your hair down.

- Jim was nice enough to give me his bedroom...

- I'm couching it!

- Which usually means there are clothes

all over the living room.

- And this dude labels his food.

He's the clean one. I'm the messy one.

How much fun is this?

- I love Jim.

I love that he hooked me up with a job.

It's just he uses old T-shirts as wash rags.

He doesn't wash his dishes.

Apparently, they need to "soak."

He hooked me up with a job.

[whirring]

- Attention, everyone.

Can I have your attention, please?

Yeah, I don't know everybody's name down here,

but whoever did this, will you please raise your hand?

Hello?

This is not over.

Okay?

I will stay up here all day if I have to.

Is that what you want?

Yeah, I will also come down if I want to.

It's my choice.

I don't demand justice often.

I'm not like Angela,

who calls a lawyer every time

someone watches a YouTube video of animals doing it,

but someone should get fired over this, right?

Val's no help.

Andy's gone. Jim's out.

I just feel like I'm on my own here.

[sighs]

I mean, okay, not completely on my own,

but in terms of people who can do something.

Thank you, Brian.

[sighs]

- Hey, so Wade wants

to send people to the Sloan conference.

We got to compile a list of our target clients.

- Already on it.

I ordered them by their Google trend ranking

so we know who to hit first.

- Who is this guy?

We are killing it.

- Yes, sir. - Yeah.

- Conference room, everybody, now.

- You don't have the clearance

to call a conference room meeting.

- Yes, but David Wallace does,

and he asked me to gather everyone

to talk about stuff that's gonna be revealed

once we're in the conference room for the meeting.

- You're telling me David Wallace asked you

to call a super-secret

classified conference room meeting?

- Yeah.

- Let's go, everyone.

Super-secret classified conference room meeting now!

Let's go.

- I have terrible news.

Someone defaced my mural.

- What? - They painted all over it.

- I thought that's what you were doing.

- Yeah, but this is different.

- Oh.

They used worse paint than your paint.

- I don't think so, but they put paint

where I didn't want paint, so...

- I thought you wanted paint on the whole thing.

- Different-colored paint.

I wanted different-colored paint

in the spots where they put their paints,

so it just is--okay.

The point is, these warehouse guys are vandals,

and they need to be stopped.

Stanley, remember when they stole your newspaper?

- They filled in my crossword.

- Sure did.

- Yeah, and somebody had the balls

to put my phone number on the men's room wall,

which is so messed up.

It's 6782, not 83.

- Uh, 6783's also a good time, less mileage.

- Pam, what can be done?

- Yes, thank you.

Let's answer that question.

- I was politely saying nothing can be done.

I thought I was clear. - What?

Come on, guys, we need to figure out

who did this and punish them.

This isn't just about me.

This is about all of us.

This is our mural.

Don't you see how much we worked on this?

How much time and energy?

We put our heart and soul into this thing.

- David Wallace called this meeting?

- Sure did.

I was as surprised as you,

but apparently he is very passionate about public art.

[overlapping groans] - Pam.

- Okay. - No, no.

Come on, guys. Don't go.

- Pam, I'll help you.

- You will?

- Art disgusts me.

Ugh, it's the worst.

But if there's anything I hate worse than art,

it's crime.

- Thank you? - I am in too, Pam.

- Yeah? - Yes, of course.

I believe in you.

I believe in your art.

Nothing on my schedule today.

And I am bored.

- Great.

- "Schedule" means schedule.

I was hoping for a righteous mob.

I ended up with Dwight and Nellie.

But they both have a mob mentality,

and I'm pretty sure Dwight has a pitchfork in his car.

- You need my pitchfork?

- [sighs]

- Hey. - What is it?

I have vengeance to exact.

- Exciting news.

There's room for one more

at my son's birthday event,

and I want you.

- Ugh. I'm not interested.

- But wait!

The state transportation secretary will be there.

You could sell your beet salt idea

to the highway people. [gasps]

- If I get the deicing gig, it's gonna be on merit,

not because I played politics.

- Hey, so a little birdie just told me

that Dwight can't come to your son's birthday.

So do you want me to go with you?

- No. - Okay, I understand.

I'll just stay here then,

alone with the money.

- Oh, crap.

- I am handing out pieces of paper

on which you will draw one human butt.

What I do with said drawings

is no one's business but my own.

- You're gonna compare 'em to the butts up there.

- Incorrect. It is my fetish.

Oh, also sign them.

My fetish is signed drawings of butts.

- I'm not drawing a butt.

- All right, then no bottoms.

We should ask you to do big rounded Ws.

- Yes. Or nipple-less breasts.

- Okay, okay, I think it's time to get back to work.

Come on, fellas. Let's go.

- Or melons, like cantaloupes with the--

the halves are cut off

and then just the bottom parts.

- Well, this is getting us nowhere.

- We need another approach.

We need to find the weakest one

and separate him from the group.

Yeah, I think if we could get Nate alone,

we could crack him.

[clattering]

- We just need a pretense to talk to him.

We could tell him that his mother is dying.

That usually works on him.

Nate!

Your mother is dying.

- See, I feel bad about that.

- It's all right. It's all right.

- I'm excited, you guys.

It's gonna be nice to just sit down

and really go at some hors d'oeuvres.

Ones with sticks,

ones with mini pizzas.

Hey, Angela, is it weird that Oscar's coming,

gay-sex-with-your-husband-wise and all?

Coconut shrimp.

Chicken satay.

Gourmet meat--

- So she's gonna pull through again?

That's great. Can I talk to her?

- No. She needs her rest again.

- Now, listen, now that we have got you here,

let's talk about this mural business.

- You know who the vandal is.

Now I know a lot of these warehouse guys

are your friends,

but we've got chewing gum.

- Gum's gotten mintier lately. Have you noticed?

Like, some of it's just too minty.

It's like they're literally trying to hurt you--

- Tell us who defaced the mural.

Say the name.

Say a name.

Say it. Look at me.

Look at me. Look at me.

Nate, who?

Who was it?

Nate, your mother called

and said that her dying wish

is for you to tell us who defaced my mural.

- She's dying again? - She might be.

- He did it.

- Frank? Frank did it?

- I don't know his last name. It's Frank.

- Frank did it?

- Diddit. Sure. Frank Diddit did it.

- All right. You can go.

Give him his gum.

- There's no gum. There never was any gum.

- Wow, that's really rude.

It's very rude.

- I'm not surprised.

That guy's a total thug.

I saw him spit in the alley once.

- So how do you want to take him down, hmm?

Physical harm?

Abject humiliation?

Intimidate his family?

- I just want an apology.

- Wait, what?

- Yeah, or to be safe,

we should involve human resources.

- Wait. - Yes, I want this to go--

- Wait. No, no, no. We did not come this far

just for an apology!

Come on.

What am I gonna do with all this unspent wrath?

[soft piano music]

[indistinct chatter]

- Opening with puff pastries?

That's a bold play.

They're saying it's only gonna get better from here?

Good luck.

- That painting is just...

how can anyone that weighs less than a guinea hen

be so terrifying?

- Ladies and gentlemen, Senator and Angela Lipton.

[applause]

- Thanks, everybody. Thanks for coming.

Phillip had no idea he was so popular.

[laughter]

- Oh, Robert, you're horrible.

Simon, Maxine, who let you guys in here?

[laughter]

- In conclusion, it seems

the next high-value group to target is the NHL.

- We may not be able to spell their last names,

but we can make them money.

[laughter]

- Hey, awesome stuff.

Thanks, guys. - It's great.

This is the team.

- Nice job, man. - You too... Darryl.

- What?

Oh, man.

I'm sorry about that.

- It's cool. Reading's tricky sometimes.

- Oh.

Are you really mad about this?

- That's my go-to thermos, that's all.

- Oh, it's your go-to the--

oh, man, that's a bummer.

I'm sorry about that. - No big deal. No big deal.

- No, no, if it's a big deal, it's a big deal.

- No, no, no. - No big deal.

- You--no, no, no, no, no, no, you don't have to do that.

- Honestly, I don't mind.

Did you want me to wash it for you, or...

- I don't know-- are you gonna wash it,

or are you gonna let it soak?

- Okay.

Here you go.

- Thank you.

- What was that, right?

I mean, roommates share stuff.

It's no big deal.

He can have my groceries.

When I get some.

Which I will.

- Messy is one thing,

but now he's screwing with my stuff.

You see that?

That's peanut butter.

He got peanut butter on my thermos.

You don't do that.

You don't go and do that.

- That's why they call you Highway Bill.

- Thanks so much for coming.

- Actually, Bill, there is somebody

I would love to introduce you to.

Oscar!

- Senator Lipton. Beautiful home you have here.

- Oh, thank you. Oscar works with Angela.

- I do, and that is my only connection.

- And we're great friends.

- Other than the great friendship.

We are--we are close friends, yes.

- Well, thanks for coming, Oscar.

I'm sure you have to get back to work.

- Oh, nonsense. He can stay a while.

There's a ton of people I'd like to introduce him to.

Why don't you run upstairs and see

how the birthday boy is doing?

Tom! Tom, come over here. I want you to meet somebody.

- So this is technically an HR issue,

and I'm supposed to chew you out right now.

Definitely not gonna do that.

But I am kind of jocking that chick out there,

so if we--don't look.

If we could pretend that--

if we could pretend that I'm being tough,

I would love it.

[speaking indistinctly]

- Wow. Toby's really going at him.

- Yeah, he's really salting his onions.

But good. Who knew?

- Really appreciate you playing ball like this.

- You're pathetic.

- Okay. But it's working.

So I do want to thank you for that.

And, um, I owe you one.

- Oh, hey. - Hey.

- Hey, I usually watch TV during my lunch break.

It's cool? - Yeah, cool.

It's mine. Don't worry.

- I didn't say anything.

- I don't think you had to.

- Excuse me?

- I think you might be going a little crazy

with this labeling thing, man.

I mean, you put your name on a five-pound bag of flour.

Are you honestly saying that, if I needed flour,

I couldn't use that?

- What you need flour for, Jim?

- That's not the point.

- What you making, bread? - No, I'm not making bread.

- What kind of bread you making, pumpernickel?

- Darryl, it doesn't matter.

Darryl, I think you know the point I'm trying to make.

- All right, I'm being a jerk.

You got me this job. I should be grateful.

I am, but just, you know,

I get a little finicky about my stuff.

That's all.

- It's all good.

Are we all good?

- We good.

- What's that cooler?

- Nothing. It's mine.

[beep]

[beeping]

[electronic buzz]

What happened to my "Tavis Smileys"?

- Oh, crap. Were those yours?

I thought they were recorded by mistake.

- So, Frank, do you have any thoughts

about what was done, by you?

- Maybe--maybe I could get the ball rolling.

Um, Frank, hi. Pam.

Um, I am so sorry if I've done anything to offend you.

I'm sure it isn't easy for you guys

to have an upstairs person coming down in your space.

So truly, if--I apologize.

But enough about me.

Your turn.

- Insert apology here, Frank?

- I'm sorry I didn't like your crappy doodles.

I drew a butt.

Big deal. Butts are funny.

- Well, I didn't think that butt was funny.

- Well, maybe if you got the stick out of yours.

- What was that? - You know what?

You people can't fire me,

so screw you.

[object clatters]

- Whoa.

Hey, that is not okay.

What are you gonna do about that?

- [speaks indistinctly]

- The first sorry sounded sincere.

- There were two or three sorries in there.

- Mm, that's quite a lot. - It's a lot.

- That sucked.

He didn't apologize. There's no talking to that guy.

- Oh, your little feelings party didn't work out, huh?

Who won the hugging contest? No, let me guess.

Everyone tied for first.

- We should just take him down.

- Wait. Are you saying...

- I'm saying we should go scorched earth

on that guy's face.

- Normally I find Pam to be a comforting

if unarousing presence around the office.

Like a well-watered fern.

But today she has tapped into this vengeful violent side,

and I'm like, wow,

Pam has kind of a good butt.

He messed with something that was important to you.

We need to mess with something that's important to him.

A little eye-for-an-eye action. - Yes, yes.

- Go all Hammurabi on this clown.

- I love it. Yes. - Yeah.

- So what matters to guys like him?

- You know what? Guys like him always

talk about how much they love "Fletch."

Let's do something to "Fletch."

What is "Fletch"?

Is that a--it's a paste or a thickener?

- "Fletch"-- "Fletch is a movie.

It's a movie, so I think maybe we--

we should think of something else.

- Mm, darn.

I just--I just don't know enough about them.

They're these mysterious creatures, like bigfoots,

with their own vast underground civilization

and government and monetary system.

- We need an infiltrator.

- I know just the man for the job.

- Clark?

- He even looks like a mole.

- What the hell, man?

- A warehouser has insulted one of our women.

I need you to go undercover.

I'm talking infiltration, espionage--

the blackest of all ops.

- Can't we ever just talk about sales?

- One of his tee shots can wipe out a whole owl population.

[laughter]

- You two seem very close.

- Yes, we're good friends.

Good friends. - Yeah.

- And I suppose that may ruffle a few feathers,

because for a long time, our party

has turned its back on the Hispanic people.

Well, that is not who I am.

I am a friend of the Latino community.

And if you ask me,

it's time that we bid bigotry

hasta luego.

[laughter]

Now, does my embrace of Hispanics

make me more electable?

Given demographic trends, I don't know.

And I don't care.

What I care about is Oscar.

My friend.

Mi amigo Oscar.

[applause]

- Maybe I should be insulted that he only invited me here

to be his token Mexican friend,

but he could have invited any number of Hispanics

that he knows--

his gardener Rohelio,

or he could have invited...

Rohelio.

But he chose me.

Rohelio's Malaysian.

The son of a bitch is Malaysian.

[indistinct chatter]

- I never want to see you working

in the upstairs office again!

Do you hear me?

- But my only crime was loving the local sports teams

and trying to be one of the guys!

- Silence!

You'll now be working in the warehouse

with the untouchables.

Now go make your hands rough with work.

- Okay, boss.

- Hey, if you're ever found out...

swallow this.

- It's an ibuprofen.

- Yeah.

You're gonna get a real headache

if they start yelling at you.

- Pam, you know this is ridiculous, right?

Like, you're smarter than this. - Shh, shh, shh.

- This is never gonna work. - Shh, shh.

Remember your lines.

- What lines? - Go move some paper.

- Oh, my God! Dwight!

Dwight!

- What's going on? - Dwight!

- Oh! - Oh...

- Whoa! - Oh, man.

- I think they're onto me.

- First they deface your property.

Now they deface mine.

- I'm-- - They'll pay for this.

Hmm.

- What are you doing?

- Are you okay?

- Yeah, I'm fine.

I mean, they were just messing around.

I really think we should just--just let this end

and just go back to work, right?

- Is this legible? - Oh, yeah.

- Yeah.

- You're sending me back down there?

Oh, co--

okay, Pam--Pam.

I'm asking you, because you are a smart,

reasonable, normal person.

Don't--come on.

Let's just let this end.

Right? You want to end this.

- Do it.

- [claps] - Oh, come on, Pam.

Phyllis?

You're gonna let this happen, Phyllis?

- Yeah.

- Hey, you know that guy Frank

who works in the warehouse?

- He's not my hire, but I know who he is.

- Okay, what is he like?

What's important to him?

Does he have, like, a favorite pair of boots

or a lunchbox or...

- What, is he retiring?

You getting him a gift or something?

- Yeah, something like that.

- I know he loves his pickup truck.

- Oh, great, his truck.

- Great. Get the plate number.

- Okay, do you know the plate-- never mind.

Why would you know that,

and why would I be asking that?

- So we know which truck to--

- Hey, while I got you on the phone,

your husband's like a sloppy, homeless hobo.

Can you fix that?

- Yeah, I was kind of hoping you could.

I gotta go. Bye. [phone beeps]

Come on.

- Hold on a second.

Uh, Sundeep,

let's get you closer to the senator.

Just about there. Great.

And Oscar, I'm gonna need you

to step a little closer to the senator as well.

Somewhere there. - He's blocking me.

- It's only a photo, honey.

- Excuse me. What's your name?

- Shawn. - LaShawn, great.

You want to be in a photo? Right this way.

Not you. No. - He put me here.

- He put you right in front of me?

- He placed me there. He did. He placed me here.

- Let's just wheel Margaret

right in front-- - Ow!

- Here. - Robert.

- Angela. - Smile.

[camera shutter clicking]

- If we can land three of our targets at Sloan,

we could be close to breaking even by the end of the quarter.

- That's awesome. - Mm-hmm.

- Hey, what-- what's with the mug?

- Oh, sorry about that.

I just put my name on it.

Wanted people to know it's mine.

Is that weird to put my name on stuff?

- Okay, I see what you're doing.

Apparently, it's weird to not want to live like an animal.

- I don't know who lives like an animal,

so you might want to calm down.

Maybe I could've learned about calming down

from stress expert Dr. Herbert Benson,

who was just on "Tavis Smiley."

- What network is that on?

- PBS. - Who watches that?

- Smart people. - That's--okay.

I think you're getting a little aggressive, maybe.

- Well, you're sloppy. - I'm sloppy?

- You're sloppy with your laundry.

You're sloppy with your boundaries.

You're sloppy with your TiVo.

- Thanks, Dad. - Filthy.

- I'm not filthy. I shower every day.

- You're supposed to.

- [sighs]

- I'm done. What are you...

is that supposed to be my mural?

- Yeah, Frank draws a butt on your mural.

I'm drawing your mural on Frank's truck's butt.

Eye for an eye, mamacita.

- Aw, Dwight, that's really sweet.

- Let's see yours. - Oh, no.

I'm embarrassed. It's stupid.

- This is amazing! [laughs]

It's Frank, and he's leaving a trail of poops?

- Yeah. And he has saggy boobs.

- I saw that. It's great!

- I feel better.

- Good.

I'm glad you feel better.

This has been a wonderful day.

I have to say,

I like hanging out with a vengeful bitch.

- I know.

You miss Angela, don't you?

- Ugh, don't sympathize.

You're ruining the mood. Back to work.

Draw his penis.

- So it started at home,

and now it's bleeding into work.

You have any thoughts?

- I really appreciate you guys

coming to me with this conflict.

Okay, I'm gonna put you through a series of exercises.

I want you each to write down 12 things

you like about the other and 12 things--

[phone beeps] - This is a mistake.

- In my head, he was such an asset.

I don't know where that came from.

- Come up with the 12 likes first,

and then go to your dislikes,

but I recommend building both lists simultaneously.

And an interesting thing you'll find

is that sometimes the likes and the dislikes

are the same thing.

- I'm sorry.

I'm just gonna get a hamper.

- I'm sorry too.

I'll get my own TiVo.

- That's what I'm talking about.

- Okay, pencils down.

Now, let's trade lists.

Whoever wants to start the discussion,

just go ahead.

Don't rush it.

I can wait.

- Frank's not gonna like this.

He loves this truck,

and he has very traditional ideas about gender.

- I got back at Frank in the most fitting way possible.

With my art.

You know, the paints are water-based.

It's gonna come off with a hose.

But I think the lesson will last--

- Lady, my truck?

You had no right.

- No, you had no right!

- It's a $40,000 truck.

- So? You started it!

- So? So someone needs to shut you up!

- Hey, hey, hey! - [grunts]

- Whoa.

- Easy. - Son of a bitch!

- Guys? - You're gonna hit a woman?

Get over here!

[all grunting]

- Thanks so much for coming.

Thank you so much.

Well...

have we all calmed down yet?

- Yes. Sorry about that.

- It was all my fault.

- Let's all try to do better next time.

Kevin, great to see you.

- Thank you for the food.

Oh, and also, you suck.

- I beg your pardon?

- You're, like, a terrible person.

These guys care about you,

and you're just using them.

Again, the food was very good.

I've sat next to Oscar and Angela

for 14 years.

They're my people.

If you just go by distance,

they're my best friends.

I don't know why you'd go by distance, though,

I guess.

Thanks for getting me all this stuff, Ange.

- I mean, we had way too many appetizers.

So--I don't know who did the ordering.

How hard is it to buy for 40?

- Some people are just terrible at math.

- It's embarrassing. - It is.

- Totally.

You know what?

- Well, I'm gonna say something to the producers.

- No, no, it's-- - You shouldn't be fired.

I mean, you were just protecting me.

- It's all good. I knew what I was doing.

It's--I'm sorry about your mural, though.

I mean, because you put so much into that.

- Oh, no, forget about my mural--it's stupid.

- No, you worked hard on that.

That guy's an animal.

I'm glad they're firing him too.

- It's crazy.

Brian, I'm so sorry.

- Look, I don't--

I don't want to put myself where I don't belong.

If you ever need me, you just call me,

and I'll be there for you.

- Thanks, Brian.

- See ya.

- Wow, this whole Philly thing has been so much fun

that I may have lost sight of what really matters.

I mean, having fun is not nearly as important

as being good to the people you really care about.

I mean, that's just roommates 101.

- Oh. - Come on.

- Oh. - Uh.

- Oh! - Damn.

- You win.

How good did that feel?

- That felt really good, actually.

- [laughs]

[cheerful music]

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