Original subtitles

- [sighs] I'm having second thoughts

about one of the shirts I packed.

The blue one with the stripes.

- I'm sure it's fine. It's a blue shirt.

- Well, yeah, but I'm wondering if it's too blue.

Like, am I making a statement with the blueness?

I am leaving early today for Philly,

because tomorrow is the first day of my new job.

So I figure I'd get in at 5:00,

check into a hotel at about 6:00

so I can get a real good night

of restless sleep and nervous puking.

I think Jim is really nervous

about his first day at the new job.

I wish there was something I could do

to take his mind off it. I feel so bad.

He is being kind of adorable, though.

- Uh, excuse me. Trying to get work done.

Some people don't care about Jim's new sports job

in Phila-whatever.

- So you know my job has something to do with sports,

but you don't know the end of the word "Philadelphia"?

- Philadelphia.

From the Greek philia, meaning "love,"

and adelph, meaning "Adolf."

"The city that loves Adolf."

Good luck with your new enterprise.

And don't wear the blue striped shirt.

It makes your neck look like an old mop handle.

- Oh... hey, guys,

the Christmas party is today.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

- No. - Is it?

- I mean, it says "X-mas party,"

but I think we all know what that's code for.

- So we're not gonna have a Christmas party this year?

Angela, how could you do this to us?

- Oh, right, like I'm responsible

'cause I'm in charge of the party planning committee.

- Well, you are the one in charge of it.

- Don't blame me for something we all forgot!

- Yeah, let's not blame her for something we all forgot.

I didn't realize how many of Angela's opinions I agreed with

until she tried to have my kneecap shattered

for sleeping with her husband.

She makes a lot of very sound points.

- I knew the party was today,

but nobody asked me to plan it, so I didn't.

Hmm, funny how that works.

- [scoffs] We're out there

sweating our balls off every day,

bustin' our balls.

We deserve a Christmas party!

- Darn straight. This is America.

- Yes. This is America.

- Well, then, why don't we just get some liquor

and those mini-cupcakes?

- Mini-cupcakes?

As in the mini version of regular cupcakes,

which is already a mini version of cake?

Honestly, where does it end with you people?

- Kev's right. That's no party.

That's like a kick in our balls.

- I have an idea.

What about an authentic Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas?

Drink some gluhwein,

enjoy some hasenpfeffer.

Enjoy Christmas with Saint Nicolas'

rural German companion, Belsnickel.

- Yes! That, that, that!

Definitely doing that. Are we all in agreement?

- No. - No!

- Done, right? - No.

I want tropical Christmas.

- Topless Christmas. - Tapas Swiss Miss.

Spanish tapas and Swiss Miss hot cocoa--

what's so hard to understand?

- Or, who was it that suggested

the authentic Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas?

I think it was someone really popular.

- We already said no. - No, no, no.

- Too weird.

- This is me and my family

celebrating Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas

in 1982 on the farm.

There's me and my brother Jeb

breaking the ceremonial pig rib.

He doesn't come back for Christmas anymore.

The sepia tint is from an app on my phone.

This is the same photo, "Matrix" style.

- I'm not understanding the confusion.

Am I the only one who wants to try

hufflepuffs and schnauzerhosen,

and meet this Glenpickle guy?

[shrill whistle blows]

- Party planning committee, emergency meeting.

Now.

- I'm on it. - Right.

[cheerful music]

? ?

- And that is why this Christmas

should be a Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas.

Danke.

- Thank you, Dwight.

We will take your idea into consideration.

- Please do. Thank you very much.

Dwight for Christmas Party.

- [sighs]

Sorry, but that looked like a cat's butt to me.

Next!

- Good luck, chump.

- Thanks. Hope I get it.

[poster rustling]

Kevin. - Yeah?

- Santa. - Right.

- Santa...

Kevin.

It'll make Christmas a ho-ho-home run.

[applause]

- Once again, displays of support are not needed.

Boos are okay.

Next!

Oh! Oh.

- Thank you.

- Lots of good ideas here. - What was that?

- I'm just hoping German terrorists

don't take over this Christmas party.

Make me go all John McClane on their asses.

- Wait, German terrorists? That's oddly specific.

And I think-- I think you mean John McCain.

- "Die Hard" reference. - I haven't seen it.

- You haven't seen "Die Hard"? - Mm-mm.

- Why haven't you seen "Die Hard"?

- I don't know, I just haven't.

- Come on, you had to have at least seen some of it.

- No.

- "Now, I have a machine gun.

Ho, ho, ho."

- [as Bruce Willis] "Come out to the coast,

we'll get together, have a few laughs."

- None of this makes any sense to me.

- Oh, yeah, and when he takes the gun off his back,

and he's like, "Yippie-ki-yay, mother--"

- Actually, he doesn't say that there.

He says it earlier when he's on the radio with Hans.

- Yes, you are right. Forgive me.

- Oh, that's okay, bud. - Nope.

- Common mistake. - No, it's not.

- Nerd!

Do you know every line of the movie?

- My brother dared me to memorize it,

and I did it, and I loved doing it.

- Okay, let's hear it.

- Hear what? - "Die Hard."

Every line. Go.

- You don't like flying, do you?

- Don't change the subject.

- No, that's the--

- Movie is starting.

- We're thinking of collaborating

with Mike Schmidt on some of his charity work.

- I love Philly. Dirty town.

- You gotta go to this barbecue joint under the bridge.

It's a metal can with a fire in it.

Do yourself a favor. Get the pigeon.

- I'll try.

- Ah-ha-ha! Philly!

Exciting stuff, man. - Whoo!

- So you sure you remembered everything for your trip?

- Yeah, I think so. - Think that through for a sec.

Yeah, Jim's going to Philly tomorrow.

He said he was gonna take me with him,

but that was two months ago.

And I haven't heard anything since.

I mean, he said that, right?

I'm not just making this up.

Yeah, I was standing right here.

Yeah. Right.

And Jim was standing right there, and--

That was the day I was mad at Andy

about the Michelle Obama thing.

And Jim was all like,

[mocking tone] "Uh, sports marketing.

Oh, it's happening. It's happening."

You know what'd be interesting? If you asked him about it.

I wonder what he'd say. It'd be interesting.

What else could you possibly be forgetting?

- Uh-- - Things? People?

[both chuckle]

- Do you know who's not gonna get to work

on some exciting new startup this year?

George Howard Skub,

AKA The alleged Scranton Strangler,

because he's in prison

for something he may not have done.

- I'm sorry, the-- uh, the Scranton who?

- The Scranton Strangler. George Howard Skub.

Haven't I told you about the jury

I was on a couple years ago?

- [gasps] Oh, what happened?

I mean, if you can talk about it, obviously.

Because if you can't, I mean, I understand.

- I--I could-- I could talk about it.

- See you next Christmas.

- I could, sure. Have a seat.

I would start at the beginning,

but I think I need to go farther back.

- We're the party planning committee,

and we did not get where we are

by playing it safe.

We got here by being risk takers.

And, yeah,

Dwight's party is gonna be terrible.

Maybe.

Maybe it's not.

Maybe it's going to be great.

And, if it's great...

I think we all know what that would mean to us.

- Let's do it.

- Yes. Phyllis!

- No.

I don't want my name attached to this party.

- What does that even mean? Where would your name appear?

- Please just take my name off of everything.

- Just take her name off of everything.

- [in German accent] "The fire has been called off,

"my friend.

"No one is coming to help you.

"You might as well come out and join the others.

I promise I won't hurt you."

[imitates machine gun firing]

[in normal voice] John McClane's not there.

Where did he go?

[vocalizes]

What's that sound?

Tony better go check it out.

Comes running down the corridor.

Into one--nothing there.

Into another--nothing there.

One final corner to go around.

[imitates machine gun firing]

John McClane's not there again?

- No. - How is that possible?

[vocalizes] The sound he heard before.

Nothing but a band saw running in the wind.

[gasps] All of a sudden-- [as Bruce Willis]

"Drop it, dick head. It's the police."

[German accent] "You're not going to hurt me."

"Oh yeah? Why not?" - Okay. Wait.

I have to pee. I'll be right back.

- Yeah, sure. Hey, do you mind if maybe I just keep going?

- You mean, like, by yourself?

- Yeah. Just kind of in the flow.

- Yeah. Sure.

- Okay.

[German accent] "Because you are a policeman.

There are rules for policemen."

[as Bruce Willis] "That's what my captain keeps

telling me."

[imitates blow landing] Elbow to the face.

[grunting]

[imitating machine gun firing]

[grunting]

My pistol! My pistol!

[grunting]

- [clears throat]

The party planning committee, minus Angela,

has decided that we're all going to do Dwight's Christmas.

- Yes! Yeah!

Yeah! Okay!

Yes! It's a Christmas miracle!

Yeah!

Whoo-hoo! - Dwight, there is one rule

that you need to take very seriously.

- Uh-huh. - And that is...

- Uh-oh. - That there are no rules.

- You have never been cooler.

Whoo-hoo!

Yeah!

[cheering]

[laughs]

Best Christmas ever!

Whoo!

- Best Christmas ever.

- You're welcome.

- Thank you.

- [playing horn]

And Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas has officially begun.

- Ugh. What is this stuff, lava?

- That is gluhwein, otherwise known as glow-wine,

also used to sterilize medical instruments.

And, interesting factoid,

this is the very spoon that guided my soft skull

through the birth canal when I was born.

Enjoy. - What is it?

Don't touch it.

- Somebody's found the hog maw. - Oh!

- What?

It's a Pennsylvania Dutch specialty.

Hog maw. That's a beauty, isn't it?

I don't even want to tell you what it's made of

until after you try it.

- Ugh. I'm not eating mystery meat.

- It is stuffed pig stomach.

And, after we finish it, we get to break the pig rib.

- Can't wait. - Weird.

Where are the sugar cookies?

Where's the karaoke machine?

- This is austere, Meredith.

This is celebrating Christmas for all of the right reasons.

The cookies and toys and sweets are mere distractions.

I mean, most people don't even know

that a candy cane represents a shepherd's crook,

which I assure you does not taste like peppermint.

It tastes like sheep feces.

- How would anyone even know--

- Have you ever tasted a shepherd's crook?

- I don't know. Is it what you expected?

- I feel like--

Dwight is holding a candle and reading a poem.

- So happy right now.

- [speaking German]

Wait, what is that I hear?

Is someone on the roof?

How strange.

Excuse me, I have to run to my car

to take a dump.

- I wish my car had a bathroom.

- "Let Heinrich plant the detonators

"and Theo prepare the vault.

After that--" - Eh. That wasn't the line.

I'm sorry, Pete.

- That is transcribed by some fan.

They make mistakes.

- I don't know. This looks pretty legit.

[cell phone chimes]

Oh, my gosh. I just got an email from Andy.

That means they hit land.

"What up, shorty? We got in last night,

"sold the boat, went out, got drunk,

"saw 'Life of Pi,' got super depressed

"and introspective.

"Gonna hang out here a while.

"Maybe a couple of weeks.

"Figure this whole life thing out.

Maybe see 'Hobbit.' Lates."

- Hey. Everything okay?

- So what comes next?

- Right, um, okay.

So he says, "After we call the police,

they'll waste hours trying to negotiate--"

- We should just watch the movie.

That makes much more sense.

- Or we can just sit and talk, though.

- No. No more talking.

It's movie time.

- I mean, are you sure? Um...

Yeah, I probably have a copy or two in my car.

- Oh, great. Great!

So we're watching "Die Hard," now.

Good! This is a good plan.

- Okay.

- Here's the thing about moonlight.

It's not sunlight.

- [mouth full] I love this hog mama.

- Dwight said it's "hog maw."

- [chokes]

What is maw?

- It's the lining of the stomach of--

- [cackling] Ohh...

[German accent] Judgment is nigh,

for the Belsnickel ist I!

- Yes, he is finally nigh.

- I am nigh!

Every year, my grandfather would dress up as Belsnickel

at Christmas.

He was... okay at it.

I am great.

You know how they say some people were born to be bad?

Well, I was born to be Belsnickel.

Ohh, Belsnickel

has traveled from distant lands

to discover how all the boys and the girls

have been behaving this last year.

Whoo hoo hoo hoo hoo!

Ohh... too much strudel.

- So he's kind of like Santa, except dirty and worse.

- No, much better-- no one fears Santa

the way they fear Belsnickel.

- Wow, it's my favorite part of Christmas--

the authority.

- And the fear. - Yes, exactly!

- Come on, Dwight, you're making this up.

- No... - This is a real thing.

"Belsnickel is a crotchety, fur-clad gift giver

"related to other companions of St. Nicholas

in the folklore of southwestern Germany."

- Ah. - Wow.

- Okay, great. Seriously, you guys?

Now you believe in Dwight's traditions,

when some democrat looks it up on Wikipedia?

- "His partner, Zwarte Piet, or Black Peter, a slave boy,

often portrayed in colorful pantaloons and blackface."

- Uh-uh. No, Dwight. No.

- Oh, come on.

We don't blindly stick to every outmoded aspect

of our traditions.

Come on, get with the spirit of it, you guys.

[phone blips]

[suspenseful music]

- Okay, Karl was actually

a ballet dancer in real life.

Isn't that crazy? - Mm. [chuckles]

- Jim, that guy.

[scoffs]

You gotta stick to your word!

Like when you say something to a buddy,

a real buddy...

what are you gonna do, lie?

To your buddy?

[sighs] It's awful.

- Take a bowl and pass it down.

- Thank you, Dwight. These are nice.

- No, these are gift bowls.

When you receive a gift, it will go in the bowl,

but the bowls must be returned at the end.

They're a set.

Now, hold your bowls forward.

Der Belsnickel will decide if you are impish

or admirable.

- Oh, it's like naughty or nice.

- No, impish or admirable.

- Well, what's the difference, then?

- Impish is like when you're really bad.

And admirable is like when you're very kind.

- Naughty or nice.

- No. It's different than that.

- Quick question-- do you just decide

who gets what in the moment, or did you make a list?

- I decided earlier. - Oh. Nice.

Did you check that list? - Of course I checked it.

- But more than once? 'Cause you could have made a mistake.

- I checked it more than once. - Okay, so you made a list,

you checked it twice, and now you're gonna find out who's--

- Impish or admirable. - Damn.

- Phyllis Vance! Cheer or fear?

Belsnickel is here.

I judge your year as...

admirable.

There you are.

- Oh. What are these?

- It's a set of rubber gaskets for canning jars.

- I'd rather have the bowl. - You can't have the bowl!

Oscar Martinez,

cheer or fear?

Belsnickel is here.

I judge your year...

as impish!

- Ow! You hit people with that thing?

- No, I'm carrying around the stick

in order to look cool.

For the kinder.

- Ooh.

- Mouse trap.

- In a head-to-head contest,

people prefer Belsnickel over Santa every time.

There aren't as many songs about him,

but I attribute that more to rhyming difficulties.

My brother and I wrote one once.

It was about a fickle pickle salesman

who would tickle you for a nickel.

Impish! - [giggling]

- Stop giggling.

- [giggles] It tickles.

- No, it doesn't-- - Oh, you know what?

I gotta go. - Stop giggling.

- Oh, really? Already?

- Yeah, it's all right. - It's a punishment.

Hey, where are you going?

- I have to go to Philly. But this was amazing.

Okay? - But you work tomorrow.

- Yeah, I know, I'd just like to settle in

and get a good night's sleep.

- But we were gonna break the pig rib.

- Ohh. - Remember?

- That's right.

- No matter!

Belsnickel cares not about this--

off with you!

- Perfect. Merry Christmas, everybody.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Don't you want to know your present?

- You know what? Yeah. Have at it.

- Jim Halpert, cheer or fear?

Belsnickel is here.

I judge your year as impish.

- Ohh! Are you nuts?

- I judge you impish! - Ow! Ow!

Okay, that is three,

and you didn't hit anybody that hard.

- They're not abandoning the party.

- Just--just--hey!

- [shouts indistinctly] - That's enough, I'm done!

Okay? Agh! - Impish!

- Aah! Ow!

- Belsnickel, I gotta run out early too.

[all groan]

- Oh... what was that?

Now I'm gonna be all whipped for my first day at work.

God.

One second.

Oh... - Well...

this is it.

- I'm probably never gonna see you again.

- Shut up. I'm trying to be serious.

- Okay, sorry, sorry.

- I can't believe this is actually happening.

- Listen, thank you so much

for putting that all together.

That was the perfect last Christmas party.

All right, wish me luck?

- Okay. [smooches]

Good luck. You're gonna be great.

- I'll call you when I get in.

- Okay. - All right.

- Love you. - Love you.

[laughter, indistinct chatter]

[elevator bell dings]

- What's going on? - Party's over.

You quit on Christmas, Christmas quits on you.

And guess what, kids.

Belsnickel isn't real. It's me, Dwight!

- We found some old decorations in the warehouse.

Oscar ran to the store for some food and drink,

and I dipped into my stash of eggnog.

I guess they needed me after all.

It's like in "It's a Wonderful Life,"

when Jimmy Stewart realizes that all those people

at the building and loan were just jerks,

and he was the real hero.

- Kevin, Kevin! Aaah. Stop it!

[indistinct chatter]

- Oh, blegh.

[chatter]

- Let's do it again.

- This'll keep you warm.

- I love it, I love it, I love it.

- This'll keep you warm.

- You and your coat. [laughter]

- It looks great on you.

[indistinct chatter]

- Again. - No. No. No.

- A tapa?

- No, thanks.

- Oh, it sounds like the party's

starting up out there. - Yeah.

So anyway, the entire jury wants me to vote guilty.

But then I did a little research of my own,

and forget everything you thought you knew

about fingerprinting.

- Meredith's a little cute.

I'm just realizing.

She got, like, a Emma Stone thing.

["We Wish You a Merry Christmas" playing]

? ?

Boo!

- For what it's worth, I liked your party better.

- Everyone thought the food was gross,

and that Belsnickel was some darkly erotic freak.

- I don't think anyone thought that.

- Jim couldn't even stay till the end of the party.

- Well, that didn't have anything to do with you.

- I don't care.

Guess how much I care on a scale of one to ten.

- Zero. - Damn it.

- I'm gonna tell Jim to go [bleep] himself.

- [groaning]

- Do you think Andy would ever jump off an exploding building

tied to a hose for me?

- Yeah. Definitely.

[explosions, screams on TV]

- [sobs]

- Hey, what's--

Oh, no, come here. Hey, hey.

Come on, huh?

- I'm still Andy's girlfriend.

- Oh, yeah, of course. I know.

- But you can leave your arm.

[person whistling "Jingle Bells"]

[indistinct chatter]

- Dwight, want me to get you some eggnog?

- No, thanks, I'll just have another Dumatril.

Jim taught me this really cool way to take it.

You crush it into a powder, and you snort it up your butt.

- Yep, I did say that.

- Jim!

- What's going on? Where's the Belsnickel?

- Oh--

oh, my God!

- What are you doing?

Last time I saw you, you were whipping me out of the building.

- Shh. Let's not speak of that.

The pig rib.

We could totally break the pig rib!

I'm gonna dig it out of the trash.

- What happened? Did you miss your bus?

- No. I just missed my wife.

- I found it!

- And I found out

that there's a bus at 5:00 a.m.

[all cheering and chanting]

- Oh!

[all groan]

- Damn it!

Jim got the bigger half.

I actually am a little bit upset

that Jim got the big half.

Looking at it now, I wish he hadn't come back.

[cheering]

- Back for more, huh?

- Ooh, nog it. Let me get some nog.

[indistinct chatter]

- Thanks, Phyllis. Where's Andy?

- You!

- Oh, hey, man.

Oh, you know what? Before I forget again,

I talked to the guys about hiring you.

They're gonna bring you in for an interview.

[festive music playing softly]

? ?

- That's great.

- Right?

- Thanks, man. - Hey, of course.

- I shall come by at your convenience.

- Thank you, sir.

- Whoo! - Go get 'em.

- Oh! Whoa! [alarmed shouts]

[alarmed shouts]

- Very impish.

? ?

- Two dimes, seven nickels--

well, okay, no, that doesn't add up.

It was one quarter and--

- Shh.

- What? I was just explaining--

- Shh.

- But why wouldn't it-- - Shh.

- What are you doing? - Shh.

- Why? What is it? - No... more...

Talking.

- Are you gonna kiss me?

- Yes.

[exhales] Toby kisses like a fiend.

I don't even know what just happened.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0