Original subtitles

- Do want to thank you all for donating

to this year's Thanksgiving canned food drive.

[applause]

- It's tough to be hungry during the holidays.

That's why it's so great to see you all step up

so generously to bring in this wonderful feast.

[sparse applause]

For instance, Phyllis, it must have been

very difficult for you to part with this dented can

of water chestnuts.

- Well, they're good in stir-fries.

- Is botulism good in stir-fries?

- Meredith also brought in damaged water chestnuts.

- Well, they gotta be good enough for a shelter.

I got 'em from a shelter.

- Creed, you brought in this can of garbanzo beans

from 1990.

- 1990 was a hell of a year for beans.

- Hmm.

- It's a can of racquetballs.

I don't even know what this is.

- Oh, Darryl, it's brown.

- Okay, what is it?

- What do you mean? It's brown.

I eat brown every week.

Hot brown, iced brown, cream of brown,

pasta with brown sauce, apple brown,

scramble brown, fried brown.

It's brain food.

- Poor people are not dumpsters for your garbage.

- Well, they should be grateful.

This is good food.

- Which is why we are not going home early today

and gonna hang out and have a little

Thanksgiving feast of our own...

- Yes.

- With this canned food.

- You son of a bitch.

- Don't.

Kevin, you're getting it everywhere.

- [gags]

- Not even beans. - Oh.

- I think the point was made,

and now we're just wasting food,

but when Toby gets going, there's just no stopping him.

- Happy Thanksgiving, and remember,

you did this to yourselves.

- Mm.

- Yes, I'll have it right here.

- Thank you. Thank you.

- Okay.

- This one?

- I think everybody learned a valuable lesson,

and if I had a Thanksgiving meal

with other people for the first time in years,

good for me, you know?

[cheerful music]

? ?

- Yesterday, Angela may or may not have figured out

that I'm having an affair with her husband.

So I just have to wait and see.

When she comes in, if she's cold

and awkward and cruel to me,

then great, it's business as usual.

Good morning. [clears throat]

- Oscar...

[sighs]

Can I ask you a question?

- [whispering] Of course, ask me a que--

questions.

- Is it cool in here to you?

- [hoarsely] Yes, a little bit.

[normal voice] Yes.

- I think the thermostat is acting up again.

- It's the stupid thermostat! That thing's a catastrophe.

So I'm gonna, um, on your suggestion,

get someone to fix it. I'll just go downstairs.

- Thank you. - No, thank you, Angela.

She doesn't know.

I shouldn't be surprised.

This is a woman who married a man

who is obviously a homosexual.

Basically, she has her head in the sand.

In a way, I feel sorry for her.

I guess the universe rewards true love.

- Well, well, well, it's finally happened--

Pam has ceased caring.

- Welcome to the club, Pam.

- These are my painting clothes.

I think I'm gonna do it.

I am really gonna start painting

the warehouse mural today. - [applauds]

- Sure you don't want to put another coat

of primer on that, Pam?

Queen of the primer, that one.

- You got this, Beesly.

Actually, do you want me to come down

and help you get started?

- Are you avoiding your phone call?

- What? No. Yeah, right.

As if.

Today, I will be asking David Wallace

if I can start working part-time,

because the sports marketing company that I started

really needs me to be there.

- Last week, Jim wasn't there,

and they named the company Athlead.

- I could have prevented that.

So I have to talk to Wallace.

- Tell them your opening line. - [sighs]

Hey, David, how would you like a guy who's not here as much,

gets paid the same amount of salary,

and has bigger fish to fry in Philadelphia?

- I think it's good. He likes fishing.

- This is gonna be awful.

- One of my jobs is to input customer complaints

into the computer.

And when they're in, I fill out one of these cards.

But the information's already on the computer, so...

why am I filling out the card?

I asked Andy, and he told me to "chillax,"

and then went away on a big long boat ride.

So here we are.

Don't give me a pointless office chore,

because I will build a little paper house.

Fight the power.

[vending machine humming]

- Meet me in the old place, five minutes.

I need you.

Ugh.

- Come on in, the water's fine.

- Dwight, it's not that kind of meeting.

Put your clothes back on.

- I know.

That's not why I'm naked.

I always work out without my clothes.

- Just put them on! Put on your clothes.

I need your help.

I need someone who can operate outside of the law.

Ugh. - Oh, I'm sorry,

your vigilante privileges ended when you broke up with me.

If I'm not in your panties, I don't go vigilantes.

Why don't you ask your husband?

- My marriage is in danger.

I don't know who I can trust.

I need someone to be there for me.

- [sighs] All right, what are we talking?

Surveillance, wire-tapping? - Something like that.

- Yeah, the less I know, the better.

I know just the guy.

He was a volunteer sheriff too. Kicked off the force.

- Can you arrange a meeting? - I can try.

I'm gonna use SMS text. - Okay.

Text went through. - Okay.

- All we can do is sit and wait.

- Okay. [phone vibrates]

- Oh. Look at that.

Yeah, he's free anytime. Not a problem.

- I mean, I can handle any client issues from Philly.

- Yeah, but I really need someone in the office.

If there's a crisis-- the more I think about it--

- Oh, you mean handle it in-person.

Oh, well, Phyllis and Stanley have agreed to cover for me

while I'm gone. - They did?

- Yep.

- Oh, okay. Well, that is different.

In that case, yes, maybe this can work.

- Oh, great.

- Why should we help you?

- Because we're friends.

- When is my birthday?

- Unfair. When's my birthday?

- I don't know, because we're not friends.

- How about this--

you let me take you to lunch,

and I make my case?

- Now we're talkin'. - All right.

- I've always wanted to go to Carl Von Luger's

- What's that? - Carl Von Luger's, 10:00.

- You want to go to lunch at 10:00 a.m.?

- Man, you don't know what time I had my breakfast.

- All right.

- Let's leave now so Jim has time to go to the ATM.

- No, that's okay. I have cash.

- You're gonna want to go to the ATM.

- Mm-hmm.

- Come on.

- Make it go taller.

- That's the idea.

- No, not taller this way, taller this way.

- Well, I've gotta build a wider base first

before I can go higher.

- You're not getting this, Peter.

Make it go wider... up.

- Will do.

- What are y'all doing?

- Me and Pete are building a tower.

- Cool. It should be taller, though, right?

- Obviously.

He's a sweet kid, Darryl,

but he's not the sharpest guy in the drawer.

- Kevin, I can hear you.

- Huh?

- Ow! Dwight! Ow!

- Get in the van. - God!

- Is it safe to talk?

- Well, this documentary crew has been following

our every move for the past nine years,

but I don't see them so I think we're good.

- So what are your credentials?

- I started following people around to get exercise.

Turns out I'm damn good at it.

- Yeah, so Trevor is

a self-professed private investigator,

plus he's a master of obscure martial arts forms.

- Ever heard of kampfringen? - No.

- It's a medieval form of wrestling.

Very few people have heard of it.

- And that's an advantage for me...

- Mm-hmm.

- 'Cause you can't win if you don't know the rules.

- And kampfringen has an incredible number of rules.

- It's basically all rules.

- Kampfringen! Kampfringen!

- Kampfringen. Kampfringen.

- Oh, violation. No, thumb grab.

Come on. - Okay, so you get two--

you have two fringens. - Okay.

- What happens if you get caught?

- Pfft, don't worry about me, little girl.

- I'm not. I'm worried about me.

What's that mean?

- Slip through their fingers. - Huh?

- He slips through their fingers.

- I heard him, Dwight, but it doesn't make any sense.

- Watch this. What?

I need to grab him. Ah!

How does he do that? - I remain ungraspable.

- Whoa! Whoa!

You try it. - Like a ghost.

- Okay, all right, fine. - Kampfringen.

- It's kampfringen. - That's kampfringen.

Strike through the fingernails. - Fine, fine.

Do you have a gun? - [snickers]

- Does he own a gun? Show her.

- You tell me.

- What is this?

It's the receipt for my gun.

- You don't carry it with you?

- Read the receipt.

That's a $300 gun. Someone could steal it.

- Do you have any idea how many guns

Trevor's had stolen from him?

- Now I keep it in a safe.

- Mm-hmm. Good safe? - Oh, you tell me.

- Wow!

- I guess if I make a mistake,

I can just paint over it with a shrub or something.

It's just I think less of paintings

with a lot of shrubs.

So I'm gonna limit myself to one shrub.

- You paint wall now?

- Yeah. Painting now.

I just want to make sure that...

- You paint now.

- It's probably gonna be a few minutes.

So you can just go back to doing whatever you were doing.

- I wait.

- Pam, you gotta come see what Pete is doing in the annex.

He's building this house of cards out of all--

- I'm kind of busy right now.

- Oh, I see what you're going for.

Graph paper. - Oh, no.

This is just the primer with a grid.

- Oh, good, I was actually a little worried 'cause

you're supposed to be this incredible artist.

- It's a lot of pressure.

People work in this warehouse every day,

and I don't want them to look up and say,

boy, that Pat really screwed up this one.

A lot of the people who work in the warehouse

think my name is Pat.

- So many things more scary than painting--

Japanese government, Chinese Navy.

What is Pat afraid of? Pat afraid of Pat.

- Mmm... - Mmm...

- Sweet. - Yay!

[applause]

- This next card comes to us thanks to Meredith Palmer,

who called Eastern Pennsylvania Seminary

a, quote, "sausage factory."

- Oh-ooooh! [approving cheers]

Boom! - Bang!

- Yep, yep, yep. - All right.

Up next we got a whole lotta Creed.

- Let's find out what I did. - All right.

- Pete is really good at stacking things.

I mean, I am pretty good at stacking things.

I enjoy stacking things, but Pete,

boy can stack things.

- You get half now, and you get half

upon completion of said job.

- And that's all off the books? - Obviously.

- Nice. No taxes.

- Okay, so everything you need to know about the target

is in here.

- Is this licked closed,

or am I gonna be able to reuse this SOB?

Never mind, I'll get to that on my own time.

So what's the job?

- Murder.

- Okay, that's the big one. That's the big "M."

- You can't have someone murdered.

- What if they deserved it?

- What did they do to you, Angela?

- They're sleeping with my husband.

- Oh, monkey. Oh, I feel for you.

- This seems a little crazy. - Yes. Crazy.

- Thank you. - But I think I'm up for it.

- No! No! - Thank you.

- Absolutely not.

There are a lot of different ways to get revenge.

I've had great success by defecating

in a paper bag, put it on the porch--

- That's very effective.

I've been on the receiving end of that quite a few times.

It's devastating. - No, no, no.

It has to be physical. I want this person to suffer.

- What about a knee-capping?

- No! You're not helping, Trevor!

- Yes, a knee-capping could work.

- No. Angela! What are you saying?

- You said you would be there for me.

- I'm trying, but what you're asking is--

- It's the only thing that will make this right.

- Okay.

But it's cruel, because a woman with damaged knees

can't scrub worth a damn.

- All right, then it's settled.

One knee-capping.

Now, the hit goes down at 4:00.

Keep in mind, once I leave, there's no turning back.

Call me email. Once you hit send...

you can't unsend. - You can with Outlook.

- Oh, my God, really? That's--

- Yes.

- That would've saved me a lot of trouble

throughout life.

- Ooh, they have valet.

- There's a ton of empty spots right here.

- I prefer the valet. - Yeah, valet's better.

- There's literally an open spot right--

- Use the valet, son. - Okay.

Here we go.

You know, truth be told,

I think all you'll really be doing is

accepting calls from my clients while I'm gone.

- It's never that simple.

- We've got all afternoon to talk about that.

- Morning, folks. - I'll have the surf and turf

with a side order of lobster.

- Actually, the surf and turf does come with lob--

- Not enough lobster. Side order.

- How much wine do you have?

Oh, I'll start with something French, yeah.

- Okay. - Tip the man, Jim.

- I'm sorry? - Tip the man, Jim.

- [chuckles] - All right.

I hope this is as new for you as it is for me.

There you go. - Thank you, sir.

Anything for you? - I will stick with water.

- I'll keep it coming. - Tap please. Thank you.

- I brought you a cookie.

- Oh, thanks, Oscar. You're such an angel.

- I just gave her a cookie, and she called me an angel,

so... yeah, we're good. Yeah. [exhales]

We dodged a bullet, yes. Okay.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah-- well, I gotta go now, but--

okay, bye. Bye.

- There we go. [cheers and applause]

- Nicely done. Very nicely done.

- Nice.

- All right, this next one goes to Darryl

for pocket dialing a customer while having sex.

- Ooohh... you salty dog.

- Well, you know, what can I say?

A player's gotta play. - There you go.

- Actually, that was the sound of me eating spaghetti.

But I'ma let them think the other thing.

- Okay, I got this one. - Oh, be careful.

Be careful, be careful. - No, I got it.

Easy does it, everyone.

Nobody even take a breath. - Kevin, don't--

[overlapping shouts]

- Kevin!

[overlapping chatter] - What did I say?

What did I just say?

- Hey, hey, hey, it's just a mistake.

Just a mistake.

That's what this tower's all about--

mistakes.

Okay, if you're afraid of screwing up,

the tower's not for you.

Show of hands--who here has never had a complaint?

That's right. Nobody.

See that? Nobody. Okay?

Let's get back to work, huh?

Come on, you in?

Yeah. There we go. All right, let's do it.

- You know, at the end of the day,

it's really only two days, remember.

I mean, I'll be back in the office.

If you need me for an emergency, call me.

I'll be there-- - You know what?

I don't know where the years went.

'Cause sometimes when I look at my hands,

I don't even recognize them.

- Tell me about it. - Whose hands are these?

They're not my hands. I don't know.

- All right. You know what?

Maybe we'll just-- - Uhh--

- We'll go slow. - No. Jim...

[bottle clangs]

[sobs] - Or you can--

- Maybe I shouldn't have given up the baby.

You know? I was just so driven.

I was gonna be a world-famous jewelry designer.

Pfft, that whole industry.

- Mm, is that for me? - Uh, no, sir.

Sorry, it's not. - Jim.

- What? [sighs]

Thank you. - Oh, sorry.

Can't really do that.

- Also Mondays are a slow day,

so I don't think that's gonna be too stressful.

- Do you think I would've been a good mom?

- I think you would've been a good mom.

- [sniffles]

- My jewelry is pretty. Do you like it?

- I love it.

- All right, check it out, huh?

[cheers and applause]

Like a phoenix from the ashes. Ksshhhh!

- Nice.

- Pretty soon, we're gonna be at the ceiling.

- Whoo! - Can you hand me a card?

- Um, it's empty.

- What? - Oh, come on.

We could use a blank card.

All: no! - That's cheating.

- I could get us a complaint.

- You? Little miss priss?

You wouldn't fart on a butterfly.

- No, I wouldn't.

I can't even relate to that impulse.

But I bet I could get us a customer complaint.

No, I have never gotten a customer complaint,

but that doesn't mean I'm afraid to take risks.

I'm the one who told Jim we should try wakeboarding.

Then I researched it. It's crazy dangerous.

So get the facts.

I'd like to try.

- Hmm. Yeah. - All right.

- Yeah, go, Pam! Pam...

[all chanting "Pam"]

- Uh, Kev, Kev, hey, Kev. Let's uh...

- What? Why did you call me out here?

- The target-- it's Oscar, isn't it?

He and the senator are gaying each other.

- I don't know what you're talking about.

- Your nostrils tell a different story.

They flare like that every time you're engaging in deception.

Hello again, naughty nostrils.

- Fine! It's Oscar. So what?

- Well, I could understand you wanting

to get a stranger's knees whacked.

But a co-worker-- dare I say a friend?

- Exactly, a friend.

Someone who sits next to you year after year,

making chitchat and smiling,

and all the while running behind your back

and defiling your marriage and seducing your husband.

- I can't even imagine how painful this must be for you.

But the first ones to break your marriage vows

were you and me.

- Well, you might be right, but it's too late now.

- What do you mean? - He's here.

- No! No, no! [groans]

- Oscar?

Oscar. Oscar. Good. Listen.

Hey, come with me. - What?

- Come--come with me. - What are you doing?

- There are a bunch of construction workers

in the warehouse without their trousers...

- I'm working! - Drinking diet sodas.

You have got to see this. They're extraordinary.

- Yahtzee.

- Sandwich delivery for Mr. Oscar Martinez.

- I am Oscar Martinez.

- No, not him, not him. Outside.

Outside.

- Wha-wh--

- You know, there's donuts in the break room.

- Nice! - Yeah.

- Listen, I was really wondering

if maybe we could lock this down before lunch is over.

- Don't be pushy, Jim. It's tacky.

- All right. Phyllis!

Phyllis, that's-- that's decorative.

- No, there's wine in here.

- Still decorative. - Is it white wine?

- Get it. - No.

Maybe stop with the-- - Hey, can you help me?

- Don't poke people with knives.

- I don't know. - It's not--

Phyllis, don't-- - It's from Portugal.

- Phyllis, it's bolted for a reason.

- I can do it. - I got a steak knife.

- That's... - That's good. That's good.

- Insane, is what it is.

- [groans] Ha, ha! - Phyllis!

Wow.

- Bring it over. - Got it.

1978. - Oh, my goodness.

Oh, my goodness.

- Let's see if we can get it open.

- That doesn't look like it's for sale.

Okay, all right. Careful with the...

- Jim, get out of here. - Fork.

Well, the fork is not gonna-- ow!

- You're not helping. - Well, let's get some help.

Can we get some help? Help! Help! Help!

- [grunts] - Stanley, hold on.

- I got it. Right here. Pull.

- There's no time to explain.

Okay, actually, there is time to explain.

When Angela found out that you seduced her husband,

we hired a guy to break your kneecaps.

- Oh, my God! What is wrong with you?

- What is wrong with you?

There are a million gorgeous guys

in the Scranton Wilkes-Barre area,

and you choose the man who's the father of her child?

- I don't know what you're talking about.

- Oh, don't lie. I'm trying to save

those precious knees you're always bragging about.

Now, let's get out of here. He could be right behind us.

Aah! Actually, he's right in front of us.

- Let's get it on. I'm gonna do this.

I might--I might puke, but I'm gonna do this.

- No, Trevor, I am not gonna let you.

He's a Dunder Mifflin man. He's my tribe.

- I'm sorry, Dwight, but for once in my stupid,

stupid life, I'm gonna follow through on something,

all right? I have masculinity issues--

- Stop! No! - I got it.

- Disarm! - You don't--

[all grunting]

- I summon-- I summon--

- Don't move. - I summon you.

- And disarm now!

- Okay. Okay, okay...

- No, Oscar, no. No, he's a friend.

He's a friend.

- I'll try some of this and some of this,

ooh, and some of this. Pay the man, Jim.

- All right, that's it.

I don't have any more money, so...

- Well, you should go. - Fight the man, Jim.

- I'm not gonna do that. - Fight him.

- I'm not gonna do that.

- Mm-hmm. Mmm.

[laughs]

- Okay, the client is Heymont Brake and Tire.

They're family-owned, but don't let that take away your edge!

- Come on, Pam, I know you can fail.

I see failure in you.

- Remember, you're a scumbag,

so you think scummy thoughts. Like this.

- Hello, this is Pam Halpert.

I'm calling from Dunder Mifflin.

Yes, your paper provider.

And I just called to say...

your mama is so fat, when she wears red,

people yell, "hey, Kool-Aid."

Yeah, your mama's fat. This is Pam Halpert.

- Did she buy it? - Did they say anything?

- I don't know. I couldn't tell. I don't--

- Were they angry?

- I--I felt like they were confused, at least.

- Okay. [phone rings]

- Dunder Mifflin. This is Erin.

- Yes, you can. Okay.

I will make sure that goes on file.

Ladies and gentlemen, we just lost a client!

[all cheer] - Nice. Nice.

- You did good. You did good. - See ya later, Heymont.

- No. - Oh. Oh...

- I guess I can handle criticism,

from Hide, from people whose mamas are fat,

from people whose mamas are so small,

they could hang glide on a Dorito,

anybody.

- If you chase me, I will run so fast.

If you catch me, I will bite so hard.

- Got it? Goodbye, my friend.

- What the hell, Dwight? - See you later, Trevor.

- You are incorrigible!

- I just saved your life. You're welcome!

- You hired someone to hit me with a pipe!

- You deserved every bit of it!

You made my husband gay.

- What--what I did was wrong,

and I have to live with that every day.

But your husband is gay,

and he was gay when you married him!

- No. No. - Angela, until you face that,

you're gonna be confused and angry

for all the wrong reasons, but if you want to blame me

for the whole thing, go ahead-- I won't stop you.

Hit me. You have my blessing. Hit me.

- Well, are you gonna let go of it?

Because part of the blame is definitely on you.

- Angela, it's a lead freaking pipe.

- God! - Aah!

- You were supposed to be my friend.

- I'm so sorry. Angela-- - Oscar.

- Tell you what, I've had a lot of fun today,

and I didn't think I'd be doing this,

but I'm ready to beg. Here we go.

Will you please cover my clients while I'm gone?

Great.

- Our crowning complaint card comes to us

thanks to Pamela Halpert...

[cheers and applause]

For insulting a client's recently deceased mother.

- Yes! - I did not know that.

- Well, a woman who struggled with obesity all her life.

- I'm so sorry. - Wow.

- Yeah, that's-- that is terrible.

[cheers and applause]

- You did it. - Yeah!

- I feel so stupid

I sit next to him every day.

- You're not stupid. Jazz is stupid.

- [sobs] Jazz is stupid!

I mean, just play the right notes!

- I know.

You're gonna be okay, monkey.

- I don't like your friend Trevor.

- I don't like him either.

And yet, I really like him.

- Where is everybody?

- I think Angela went down to the warehouse.

- Ah, I'll look there then.

If I miss her, do you mind telling Oscar

to tell her that I stopped by for her.

- I can tell her myself.

- Of course, that's even better.

- Well, we're here.

Perfect.

- We're gonna cover for you, you know.

- [chuckles]

- Phyllis, what was that?

Phyllis, are you dreaming, or--

- I did enjoy grinding your beans, son.

- Yeah, we really did peel your grapes.

- This is hilarious, but we're gonna stop with all--

- Shuckin' your peas. - Shuckin' the peas.

You should go back to the first part, though.

You are gonna cover for me?

- Yeah. - Of course we are, Jimmy.

We love you guys.

- Oh, my God, thank you. Thank you.

- Hello, Pam. - Senator.

- I thought you were the office manager.

- No, I'm an artist.

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