Original subtitles

- Can you guys come with me for a minute?

I know you saw me with the senator.

I think I'm in love, possibly for the first time.

So, yes, Senator Lipton and I are having an affair.

I hope that I can count on your sensitivity,

maturity, and discretion.

[splat]

Why?

[cheerful music]

? ?

- All right, good-- yeah, just sell it

and get the best price you can, okay?

- Or we can hope for a holiday rally?

- Mike, I'm not a day trader.

I'm just a first responder in a disaster.

- Andy's family had a total meltdown.

His dad blew through all their money

and took off to Argentina with a younger woman.

- And his brother, Walt Jr.,

locked himself in the wine cellar.

- The weirdest part is Andy.

The aftermath got dumped on him,

and the way he's been handling it is just so...

- Competent. - Right?

- Are the Nards hurtin'? Yeah, you bet.

Got kicked pretty hard.

Family shattered, super sad.

But I'm kind of crushin' it

in the damage-control department, so that's cool.

I wish my dad could see me now.

Of course, he caused this whole mess, so...

[bleep] him.

Mom, I know. This is hard.

We just got to dig in and soldier on.

Okay, I don't think

you're gonna have to sleep in a boxcar.

Because hobos don't do that anymore.

By the way, are hobos still even a thing?

- It's hard finding the right way to be there for a loved one

when his family lost millions of dollars.

I googled "younger woman dad, brother drunk, hobo mom,"

and it linked me

to Jon Voight's Kickstarter account.

So I'm helping him get a Panda Express now.

I just wish I could help Andy, too.

[sighs]

- [giggling] - Yeah, I know.

Listen, I'm--I get why my situation is funny to you.

But I just-- - No, you do not get it, Oscar.

It's not funny. It is hilarious.

Angela's like, "Oh, my husband is such a good husband.

I love him so much, and he loves me."

- I know.

- Meanwhile, you and he are totally--

- Okay, okay, okay.

But I need--I need you to keep it a secret.

- [laughs] Good one.

No way. - Listen, Kevin.

Kevin, listen to me.

I'm in love with the senator.

And I need time to sort this out

in a responsible manner.

So I need your help in keeping it a secret,

because this means the world to me.

Okay?

- That's beautiful.

No, I-I totally get that.

- Can you do this, Kevin?

- I really want to.

Whatever happens, always remember that.

- I don't know what that means. Hey, hey.

- Oh, great.

Yeah, um, I'll get right back to you.

Hey, guys, has anyone ever heard

of Iris Black on the radio?

- Yeah, she hosts the Dr. Laura Show.

- Nope, that's Dr. Laura.

Well, her show, "Bizwhiz,"

wants someone from Dunder Mifflin

to come on the air today.

Does anybody feel particularly passionate

about local business issues?

- I do. I do. I do. I do. I do.

The media can make you famous.

And do you have any idea how easy it is

to sell something when you're famous?

"Uh, yeah, wow.

"10 reams of 40-pound bond at only $6.90 after discount?

Uh, whatever you say, Brad Pitt."

It's that easy.

- Hey, so that good-looking single brother of yours?

Heard he was in a downward spiral with booze.

- Yeah. He's in rehab, actually.

- Which place? The one right near Philly?

I could be there in an hour.

- No, it's in New Mexico.

- Oh.

So...

how are you holding up?

- We're done, Meredith.

- Right.

- [gibberish]

Greta the tittle-tattle prattled on

about the little metal bottle.

- Oh, my God. - She spat a bit of spittle--

- Dwight. [all groaning]

- In a bitter battle-- Hey, hey.

Stop questioning my methods, okay?

I was chosen for this task for a very good reason.

- No. You chose yourself.

- Tricky Siskel spat a bit of wicked biscuit

in Nikki Sixx's sticky whiskers.

- When you talk to Iris,

will you tell her Stanley Hudson says hello?

- No.

- Iris Black has not responded to one of my fan letters,

but I know that she reads them.

If you're watching this, Iris...

I'm your number-one fan.

- All right, guys, there's a lot of assets here

that my dad couldn't steal.

Now, first of all, there is the family boat,

a 43-foot Tartan sloop.

My lawyer has lined up a buyer in the Bahamas.

The sale would cover the cost of a condo

and living expenses for my mom.

- Sounds great. - Perfect.

- Totally, except it is a no-go.

This boat was the heart and soul of our family.

So what else we got? Non-boat ideas.

- You got about 15 grand in silverware and...

napkin rings?

- Buh-bye. Tea time is over.

- Oh, if your mom combines cut-out coupons

with online coupons on sales day,

she could get, like, 60 packages of ramen noodles

for 5 bucks.

All flavors. She could eat for a month.

It does have a crazy amount of sodium, though.

- Erin, um, Mrs. Bernard

has become accustomed to a certain lifestyle, and--

- What happened? - Jammed.

- Excuse me a second. - Could this day get worse?

- [laughs]

Yeah, I think this day could get worse.

- What does that mean? - Kevin.

- I don't know what you're talking about.

- Oh, hey, sorry.

- All right, what's the grand total?

Did we make our nut?

- If we sell everything but the boat,

your mom should be set for about six months.

- Guys, you don't understand.

This boat's been in our family since before I was born.

- Yeah, don't you guys have that place

where you used to spend your summers

and have all those memories?

- I worked at a Jiffy Lube. - See?

I bet you wouldn't sell that Jiffy Lube

for all the money in the world, would you, Darryl?

- I would if I owned it and I went broke.

- All right. Uh, all right.

I'm gonna tell the lawyer to pull the trigger on the boat.

Yes, the boat means everything to my family,

but we need the money.

Got the memories, don't need the boat.

Can't cry about it.

[voice breaking] What are you gonna do--cry about it?

Excuse me.

- [gargling]

Voice frequency indicates where you stand on the food chain.

[deep voice] Predator.

[high-pitched voice] Prey.

[normal voice] Predator that can pass as prey.

That's where you want to be.

- Oh, okay. No problem.

Thanks.

Hey, guys, WPTU called. The interview's off.

They're opening a new cupcake store

at the Steamtown Mall, and Iris wants to cover that, so...

- Well, why don't I go and tell Dwight,

so he can stop being such a complete nipple?

- He's gonna be disappointed. - Yes, he is.

And you know what? We cannot let that happen.

- Fax?

- Oh, yeah. Just--just a minute.

Watermelon teeth.

This isn't how I would cheer up just anyone,

but it's a girlfriend's job to know her man,

and I know Andy.

He is seriously juvenile.

- Cool.

He's, like, 40, though, right? - Oh, no.

He couldn't be more than late 30s, tops.

- Awesome. Have fun.

- [trills lips] Dunder Mifflin. Dunder Mifflin.

Good, sounds--

[phone ringing]

This is Dwight Schrute.

- Please hold for Ms. Black.

[keyboard playing upbeat theme]

- [American accent] And welcome back to "Bizwhiz."

I'm Iris Black.

On the line, we have Dunder Mifflin

senior sales associate Dwight Schrute.

- Iris, thank you so much for having me.

- [knocks]

Help! My teeth are all messed up in my mouth.

[laughs]

- Did you need something?

- Oh, I just need your signature on this.

- Okay.

- [sighs]

- Thanks.

- Okay, well, now I have absolutely no idea what to do.

[high-pitched voice] Erin, you got to give me a shot.

[normal voice] Stop it.

Sorry.

- Kevin, we're out of 1138 forms.

Did you order more?

- I did not.

- I don't know why I'm surprised.

Literally nothing you could do could surprise me anymore.

- Oh, really, Angela?

That's interesting...

'cause I do think that I could surprise you.

[laughs]

I think that I could surprise you all the--

- Ah!

- Okay, this is harder than I thought.

Usually things come easily to me.

I guess this is what life is like for other people.

I have to go to the bathroom.

- That doesn't surprise me.

- That actually wasn't the worst cover.

I'd say at least once a week, Kevin runs out of the room,

shouting that he has to go to the bathroom.

- Oh! I have to go to the bathroom!

[elevator bell dings] I have to go to the bathroom!

[tires screeching]

- [whispering] Hey.

I need to tell you a secret.

- [whispering] Oh.

- My job is not very demanding.

Shh.

Listen...

if you ever have an emergency

or you need to take a depressed boyfriend

out to lunch or something, let me know.

I'll cover the phones for you, okay?

Shh. - Wow.

That is so nice of you. - Well...

- But do you know how to use the phone system?

- Are you kidding me? Check me out.

[rubs hands together rapidly] Let's get in here.

[normal voice] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pete.

- [normal voice] Very good. - Huh?

- But what if you have to take a phone message?

[telephone rings] - Lay it on me.

- Take a pen. - Mm-hmm.

- Take a piece of paper. Write down the message.

- Oh, I think there's...

Yeah, there's someone on the line, yeah.

- Dunder Mifflin, this is Erin.

- Iris, let me tell you-- David Wallace is the CEO,

but he's not hands-on.

- So the day-to-day operations

are entirely under your command?

- "Entirely" is the perfect way to describe it, Iris.

- Oh, let's talk

about your superstar salesman, Jim Halpert.

- Wait, what?

No.

What, Jim--Jim? No.

No, not a superstar. Uh-uh, no.

He is a complete moron, okay?

- Oh, forgive me.

Clearly, I was given wrong information.

- Yes.

- Now, how stupid is he exactly?

Where would you rate his intelligence on a scale

with Albert Einstein at the top,

going all the way down to beet farmer?

- Wait, what? Beet--beet--

No, lower, low-- way lower than beet farmer.

- Okay, so somewhere between, uh, beet farmer

and "Battlestar Galactica" fan?

- No, no, Iris, no, your scale is utterly wrong.

- Excuse me, I'm being told by my sound engineer, Steve,

that there is a clanking sound coming from your end.

Does your shirt have buttons?

- Yes.

- I'm so sorry.

We are going to have to ask you to remove the shirt altogether.

- Now, then, we were saying, when my workers gather--

- Oh, I am so sorry.

I am told we are still having problems, Mr. Schrute.

Your voice--it's sounding a little feminine.

- That's impossible.

- Are you by any chance wearing pants

with a metallic zipper?

- Okay, who wants to go for a super-fun lunch

with a super-fun girlfriend?

- Look, it's not that I don't want--

- Okay, come on, I got someone to cover the phones.

I heard on the radio about a new cupcake place

we could go for dessert, perfect.

- All I ever wanted to do was sail the damn thing.

But Dad wouldn't let me.

He said, "you can't be a skipper until you're a man."

You know, I'd reach for the wheel,

and he'd just smack my hand away.

Well, guess what.

Now I'm the man of the family,

and we're selling the damn thing.

So I'm never gonna have the chance.

- Well, when does the boat leave exactly?

- Tonight.

- Then screw lunch. Let's go for a sunset sail.

- Yeah, right. It's in Stamford, Connecticut.

We'd have to leave, like, right now.

- Okay, well, then let's leave, like, right now.

- Yeah, okay. - Yeah, okay.

Let's go. - Seriously?

- Of course seriously. Get your coat on.

- All right. - All right.

- Let's do it. - Let's do it.

Yeah, boy!

Guess who was totally there for her boyfriend

when his family fell apart and he was spiraling in despair.

This little shorty!

- [sighs] The senator is exhausted.

This campaign is wearing him out.

- It's a tough one.

- That man he's up against is so dirty,

and the senator's just pushing back as hard as he can.

- [groans] Please stop.

- What?

- Please stop.

- But you know what?

The senator always comes out on top.

- Angela, come on.

- Anyways, last night, he was so tired,

he just wanted a little Mexican brought in.

- [laughs]

I can't. It's--it's too much.

[laughing]

- I'm in big trouble.

- Well, I...

Yeah, Oscar's in big trouble.

- Okay, how is my voice now?

- I'm getting the all clear from Steve.

So we are good to go. [door opens]

- Uh, now let's talk business. - Great, I would love nothing

more than that. [camera shutter clicks]

- Good. So, Mr. Schrute, what is your response

to the Consumer Product Safety Commission

that says Dunder Mifflin paper is toxic?

- What? No, that's impossible.

- Reported symptoms include headaches, loose bowels,

hot-dog fingers, spontaneous dental hydroplosion,

and Benjamin Button syndrome.

- This is gotcha journalism.

But you know what? They're not gonna "gotch" me.

I'm sorry. I deny all of these charges.

How dare you? This is scandalous.

I insist--

- No, how dare you, Mr. Schrute?

Could I ask you to lower your voice

when you speak on the radio? - I apologize.

- Thank you.

- Ms. Black, I deny all these charges.

- Much too loud, still much too loud.

- ? There's New Canaan, New London ?

- ? It's where we get our fun done ?

- ? There's Westport and Southport ?

- ? A lot to fill your mouth-port ?

- ? And what's that in my daybook? ?

- ? Don't forget Old Saybrook ?

both: ? And those are the towns of Connecticut ?

[Andy chuckles]

- Oh, punch buggy, blue. - Ow.

No more punch buggy.

- It's clearly not an accounting mistake.

- Oh, Kevin. - So...

- His gambling problem must have resurfaced.

I'm gonna have to send him home

until I can do an investigation.

- Well, you got to do what you got to do, so...

- This is slander, Ms. Black.

Slander, I say.

I dare you to produce one credible source about this.

- Well, as it happens, we have with us

the foreman of your Upstate New York paper mill,

Sondra Mc-- Sondra Mick.

That is, in fact, your name.

[thudding and beeping]

- I never get to use the sound effects.

And this keyboard has everything.

Why, look, look up ahead.

I think it's Old MacDonald's farm.

[laser blasts]

[ship horn blows] Shoot.

[zany sound effects play] What number is it?

- [New York accent] Good afternoon, Iris.

It's a pleasure.

- I'll get straight to the point.

Is your paper toxic? - No, the paper's not toxic...

- Thank you, Sondra!

- Unless it's exposed to oxygen.

Then it becomes extremely toxic.

- Do not listen to her!

This employee is obviously disgruntled.

- What the heck is going on? The stock price is plummeting.

Are you gonna get control of the message,

or do I have to send in someone who understands the media?

- Get out of here, moron! - Okay.

- Uh, excuse me, Mr. Dwight, who are you talking to?

- Uh, no one.

- Did you just call Ms. Mick a moron?

- No, everything's fine.

- Are you insulting my guests?

- [sighs]

[telephone rings]

[receiver clatters] - Oh, hi, Toby.

Okay. I will be right there.

[receiver clatters]

Hey, Oscar.

What if I'm getting a promotion?

- I hope that's it, Kevin.

- Me too,

'cause then I would get my own office

and I wouldn't screw up your secret with Angela.

I've been really worried about that.

- Hi, Kevin. Look, I need to talk to you--

- Hi. - Guys, excuse me.

Um, a quick word? Please, just--

- Oscar, we're in the middle of talking.

- I know. I'm so sorry. Snack machine, on me.

- Oh, that is nice.

[chuckles] Classy move.

- That's what I'm saying!

No, of course not! [door opens]

Wha-- - What are you doing?

- Those figures I gave you, they're false.

- No.

- I was mad at Kevin.

We had a fight, and I acted vindictively.

- So you set him up.

- Yes, he's innocent. - Oh...

I knew it.

I knew it from the beginning, this was a possibility.

- What are you talking about? I just did this now.

- Oh, no, a few years ago,

when I was on the jury, the Scranton Strangler...

- Sure.

- I always thought he might have been set up,

but I felt pressured to convict.

- That's got to be tough. - "Tough"?

I put an innocent man on death row.

- Those guys are always guilty about something,

so don't sweat it.

And... thank you.

- Oscar, please, I need to talk about this.

Am I going to hell?

- [sighs] I don't know.

- You don't know?

- The fallout from this morning's revelation

continues to mount.

Since Mr. Dwight Schrute began speaking,

Dunder Mifflin share prices fell 73%.

On the line now

is a delegation of Dunder Mifflin shareholders.

- Hey, what happened to the stock price?

- This is not right!

- No, no, there's no need to involve the shareholders.

[indistinct shouting on phone] Uh, okay, everyone--

hey, hey, stop yelling, everyone.

- Mr. Schrute, shareholders demand accountability

from corporate leadership.

Can we announce your resignation at this time?

- My resignation? What are you talking about?

No, I'm just following orders!

Listen, the person responsible for this catastrophe

is the CEO and chairman, David Wallace.

- That's yours?

- That's the family boat right there.

- Oh, my gosh, Andy. This is enormous.

- Right?

- I thought it was gonna be tiny.

Oh, my gosh. It's beautiful.

So this is how your family came to America.

- Yeah, yeah.

See these winches?

I used to have to just polish them constantly.

I should have forearms like Ralph Macchio.

- [giggles] - Wax on, wax off.

- Move. - Sorry?

- I'm trying to rig a boat here.

I don't know how to do that

when you're standing in the way.

- Sure, I-I'm not-- I didn't know--

- I'm not a ghost, so I can't walk through people.

Okay. - Okay.

He was salty. - Yes, a little bit.

How you doing, old buddy? Missed you.

- What does that one do? - This raises the mainsail.

That was my job when we went sailing.

- I wish I had seen you do it.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Up she goes.

- Don't do that.

Don't do that. - Oh, it's okay.

My girlfriend and I were actually gonna take her

for a little spin and a picnic

before you guys head out tonight.

You know what? Get some dinner on me.

- Nope. Can't do that. - Got it.

You know what?

Then we'll just take it

for a quick little spin around the harbor.

- We've already started boarding.

No one is insured to rig or operate now, except us.

- You know what? Chill, okay?

I own the boat. I'm not gonna sue myself.

All right? So just--

Wow.

- I can smack you all day if you keep touching

what you're not supposed to touch.

- Okay, fine, fine. - Okay?

- Yeah, fine. - Good stuff.

- Good stuff. Great stuff. - Thanks.

[bleep] damn it!

Screw you, Dad! Ugh!

- Well, we're doing it.

We're finally having a picnic on the boat.

- [scoffs]

I've had a thousand picnics on this boat.

The point was for me to sail it.

- Andy, you never had to sail the boat

to be a man.

- Fine, but I could have.

- As long as we're on this boat,

as far as I'm concerned, you're the captain.

- I am the captain.

- Yeah. - Right?

- Yeah.

- I'm the captain.

Hey, charm school.

- What?

- I'm taking over from here. - Nice. [giggles]

- Okay, I hate to ruin this, uh, moment,

or breakdown, but you already signed the papers.

So, if you want your boat back, you can pick it up there

in the Bahamas in ten days.

- Yeah, I know, 'cause I'm sailing it there.

- Okay, no.

I already said you're not getting back your deposit.

- Fine, keep it. Just leave the supplies.

I already paid for those.

And how much for that cool fisherman sweater?

- For those just joining us, terror in Greenwich,

where police have surrounded the house

of Dunder Mifflin CEO David Wallace.

Wallace is said to be despondent

over the company's stock plummet

and has taken a mailman hostage.

On the line, we have Chief of Greenwich Police,

Mr. Bill Jackson.

- Good afternoon.

- Please, sir, spare him.

Please.

- Uh, this Wallace guy is looking at hard time,

and we only know this because of what Dwight Snoot said

on record.

- No, Officer, please don't.

[bottle hisses] Wait. What--

whoa, whoa, whoa, what was that?

- Tear-gas cannister.

Oh, my--okay, this is--this is way out of control.

Okay, everyone, everyone, hold on.

I've got a solution.

I know Wallace's phone number.

Everyone hold, I'll conference him in.

- Oh, no, Mr. Schrute, there's really no need to,

um, involve Mr. Wallace. [line trilling]

- Do you even know what you're doing?

- Yeah. Yeah, I know how to hoist the mainsail.

I know how to--

These buttons control bilge pumps and stuff.

I also know where the booze stash is.

Hello.

Walt?

- Oh, God! Thank goodness you're here.

I was having a little trouble,

uh, with this door,

uh, yesterday. [bottle clinks]

I, um-- I think it was yesterday.

- I thought you were in rehab. - Yeah, I just, uh--

I figured I'd get that first relapse, uh, out of the way.

God, what's happened to our family?

Everything is so messed up.

How did you even know I was in here?

- I didn't. I just came to say goodbye to the boat,

but I've decided to sail it to Bermuda.

- Bahamas, Andy. - Same thing.

I need a crew. You should be my crew.

Three weeks, open ocean, no booze.

You need this.

I need it. We need this.

Serious bro time. Come on.

- [chuckles] Or--or...

you crew for me,

and we go to a Club Med,

where if you--if you wear a magic bracelet,

they give you free drinks.

- No, man, this is my cruise.

You're welcome to join on my terms.

- Hello? - David, is that you?

- Dwight?

- Oh, thank God. Oh, thank God.

Are you okay? Is everyone okay?

- Yeah. Are you okay?

- I'm okay.

I just want you to know that I believe in you.

I really do.

And I believe in your ability to make the right choices.

I always have, David.

- Well, thanks, Dwight.

- You're welcome, sir.

But, David, listen to me carefully.

I'm going to need you to let the mailman go, okay?

- Dwight? What? - Walk out of the house

with your hands on top of your head.

Everything is going to be fine.

Dunder Mifflin will be in good hands

while you're away in prison.

- Okay, Dwight?

Gonna ask you to not call me on my cell anymore.

Got to go. [line beeps]

- And that's how that's done.

- Mr. Schrute, it has been

an eventful day in the world of Dunder Mifflin.

It's been a privilege to have you on the show, sir.

- The privilege and the honor has been mine.

I want to thank the city of Scranton.

I want to thank the Greenwich police force.

I want to thank you, Ms. Black.

And for all of your paper needs in the future...

[line clicks] Please think--

Hello?

[applause]

- Wait a minute.

You guys?

You heard?

all: Schrute! Schrute! Schrute!

Schrute! Schrute! Schrute! Schrute! Schrute! Schrute!

- Schrute! Schrute!

The allegations about our paper were just shocking.

And I didn't see that whole shareholder riot coming.

And the hostage situation came out of nowhere,

but, overall, I'd say my first radio interview

went pretty much the way I expected.

- Well, Oscar, I did not get the promotion.

He just wanted to update my personal information.

- Well, I'm sorry, Kevin.

- Why on earth would you think you were getting a promotion?

- You know what, Angela? I--

Oh, my God.

- Honey, what are you doing here?

- Oh, I just had an intuition that someone I love

needed a little of my attention today.

Oscar, looking very healthy.

Getting lots of vigorous exercise?

- No. No.

- Oscar, what is going on? What was that?

- Wha-- - What was that?

I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean any offense.

I was just trying to be friendly.

- You know what? I'm sorry.

I overreacted, because I'm stressed out.

Why am I stressed out?

Who's not stressed out? Who's not stressed out?

- Come on, Oscar.

We're not just gonna sit here and ignore the obvious.

Senator Lipton has a big election next week.

We all need to give him our support.

[scattered applause] - Oh, thank you.

Thank you very much. Oh, thanks, everybody.

- 'Cause it's really cool.

USA! USA! - USA. U--

I have to say, I'm impressed with Kevin.

Uh...

he showed a lot of self-control.

- I totally forgot about the affair for a minute.

[laughing]

Oscar is having sex with the senator,

and Angela doesn't even know.

[laughs]

Her life is a complete sham.

[laughs]

- All right, guys. Cast us off.

Walt, all aboard.

Erin, this is because of you.

Do you realize that? You're the best ever.

- Oh, you know, just being a good girlfriend.

- "Good"? Come on.

Above and beyond. World's greatest.

You did this.

Damn it, I'm happy!

- Yes, I am very pleased I could help Andy.

Would I have gone with him if he'd asked me?

On his sailboat cruise to the Caribbean?

Yes, I think that would have been really fun and romantic.

- I'll see you in three weeks! - Okay!

- Hey, bro, it was here all along.

- No way! - Way!

Erin, I got to go!

Them's my chords!

- Hey. She's back.

- Thanks for covering the phones.

- Yeah, no problem.

How was it? - Fine.

- Hey, some buddies and I are going to Poor Richard's

for beers and pool-- you want to come?

I can't promise you too much,

but, uh, you might get to meet my friend Flipper.

- Does he have a flipper?

- Oh, nope. It's not that.

He, uh--uh, he flipped a table one time when he was drunk.

- He sounds like an idiot.

- Yeah, he is.

- Okay. - Okay.

- Thanks.

- Yeah.

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