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1
00:00:05,380 --> 00:00:06,923
- [sighs]
2
00:00:07,007 --> 00:00:08,299
Morning, Dwight.
3
00:00:11,302 --> 00:00:13,179
- Who are you?
4
00:00:13,263 --> 00:00:14,764
- Who am I?
5
00:00:14,848 --> 00:00:16,016
I'm Jim.
6
00:00:16,182 --> 00:00:18,560
We've been working together
for 12 years.
7
00:00:18,643 --> 00:00:20,270
Weird joke, Dwight.
8
00:00:20,395 --> 00:00:22,147
- You're not Jim.
Jim's not Asian.
9
00:00:22,272 --> 00:00:24,065
- You seriously
never noticed?
10
00:00:24,149 --> 00:00:26,901
Hey, hats off to you
for not seeing race.
11
00:00:29,529 --> 00:00:30,822
- All right, then, Jim.
12
00:00:30,947 --> 00:00:32,907
Uh, why don't you
tell me about that sale
13
00:00:33,033 --> 00:00:35,410
that you made yesterday?
14
00:00:35,535 --> 00:00:36,995
- Uh, Wellington Systems?
15
00:00:37,078 --> 00:00:39,205
Sold them ten cases
of 24-pound letter stock.
16
00:00:39,372 --> 00:00:41,291
Or were you talking
about Krieger-Murphy?
17
00:00:41,416 --> 00:00:42,834
Because I didn't close
that one yet,
18
00:00:42,917 --> 00:00:45,295
but I'm hoping I've got
a voicemail from Paul Krieger
19
00:00:45,337 --> 00:00:47,839
waiting for me.
20
00:00:48,006 --> 00:00:50,550
- Please enter
your password.
21
00:00:55,305 --> 00:00:56,931
You have one new message.
22
00:00:57,015 --> 00:00:57,932
- How did you know?
23
00:00:58,016 --> 00:00:59,559
No! No, no.
24
00:00:59,601 --> 00:01:00,935
That is sensitive
information.
25
00:01:01,019 --> 00:01:03,313
Only for employees,
not outsiders!
26
00:01:03,396 --> 00:01:04,856
- Dwight, cut it out.
I'm trying to work.
27
00:01:04,981 --> 00:01:06,858
- You don't work here!
You're not Jim!
28
00:01:06,983 --> 00:01:08,693
- Jim, I got us
that dinner reservation.
29
00:01:08,735 --> 00:01:10,195
Grico's, 7:30.
- Oh, great.
30
00:01:10,278 --> 00:01:11,863
Can't wait. Mm.
31
00:01:14,783 --> 00:01:16,451
- Jim's at the dentist
this morning,
32
00:01:16,534 --> 00:01:18,453
and Steve is
an actor friend of ours.
33
00:01:18,578 --> 00:01:20,580
- I don't know
who you are,
34
00:01:20,705 --> 00:01:22,874
but you are not Jim.
35
00:01:22,957 --> 00:01:24,542
This is Jim!
36
00:01:28,755 --> 00:01:30,423
Oh, my--
37
00:01:30,507 --> 00:01:33,051
oh, d--
oh, how did--
38
00:01:33,134 --> 00:01:34,219
[gasps]
39
00:01:34,302 --> 00:01:36,680
{\an8}[cheerful music]
40
00:01:36,805 --> 00:01:43,812
{\an8}? ?
41
00:01:55,990 --> 00:01:59,244
{\an8}- [gasps]
Hey, study buddies!
42
00:01:59,285 --> 00:02:00,954
{\an8}- Oh, okay.
- Oh.
43
00:02:00,995 --> 00:02:03,081
{\an8}Getting Things Done.
Awesome!
44
00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:04,207
{\an8}- It's all about finding ways
45
00:02:04,332 --> 00:02:05,709
{\an8}to make yourself
more efficient.
46
00:02:05,750 --> 00:02:07,377
{\an8}Life hacking, baby.
47
00:02:07,419 --> 00:02:08,712
{\an8}This morning, I brushed
my teeth in the shower.
48
00:02:08,795 --> 00:02:10,672
{\an8}Saved myself 90 seconds.
49
00:02:10,714 --> 00:02:12,382
{\an8}Which I just used
to explain this to you.
50
00:02:12,465 --> 00:02:13,925
{\an8}Damn it.
51
00:02:14,009 --> 00:02:16,845
{\an8}Since Andy promoted me
to assistant regional manager,
52
00:02:16,928 --> 00:02:18,304
{\an8}I've been trying
to step my game up.
53
00:02:18,346 --> 00:02:20,015
{\an8}You know,
be more productive.
54
00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:21,349
{\an8}In fact, you know what?
55
00:02:21,391 --> 00:02:22,517
{\an8}Let's knock out a few more
of these sound bites
56
00:02:22,684 --> 00:02:25,145
{\an8}while we're here.
57
00:02:25,228 --> 00:02:27,689
{\an8}Whoa, that person has really
58
00:02:27,731 --> 00:02:31,568
{\an8}gotten him--or herself--
into quite a predicament.
59
00:02:31,651 --> 00:02:32,861
{\an8}[sighs]
60
00:02:32,902 --> 00:02:34,696
{\an8}[laughs]
61
00:02:34,821 --> 00:02:39,034
{\an8}Toby, will he ever learn?
62
00:02:39,200 --> 00:02:42,829
{\an8}Andy, Andy, Andy.
63
00:02:42,871 --> 00:02:45,206
{\an8}I can't believe Kevin
swallowed a pen.
64
00:02:47,500 --> 00:02:51,629
{\an8}I can't believe Kevin
swallowed another pen.
65
00:02:51,713 --> 00:02:54,424
{\an8}- S'il vous pla�t...
66
00:02:54,466 --> 00:02:57,218
{\an8}dites-moi...
67
00:02:57,344 --> 00:03:00,764
{\an8}[nonsensical mispronounced
French]
68
00:03:00,805 --> 00:03:02,724
{\an8}- Ah, French.
69
00:03:02,849 --> 00:03:04,517
{\an8}It's a great language.
70
00:03:04,601 --> 00:03:06,978
{\an8}If you're
a chain-smoking acrobat.
71
00:03:07,062 --> 00:03:09,647
{\an8}- I'm just trying to fit in
better with Andy's family.
72
00:03:09,773 --> 00:03:11,900
{\an8}They all speak
more than one language.
73
00:03:12,025 --> 00:03:13,777
{\an8}Usually when I'm there.
74
00:03:13,818 --> 00:03:15,195
{\an8}- You want to learn a really
impressive second language?
75
00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:16,404
{\an8}Try Dothraki.
76
00:03:16,529 --> 00:03:18,406
{\an8}Win over any man
in my guild.
77
00:03:18,448 --> 00:03:20,158
{\an8}Dothraki is the native tongue
of the nomadic,
78
00:03:20,283 --> 00:03:22,869
{\an8}war-mongering horse lords
of Essos, as featured
79
00:03:22,952 --> 00:03:26,331
{\an8}in the superb Home Box Office
series Game of Thrones.
80
00:03:26,414 --> 00:03:28,041
{\an8}It has a lot of nudity.
81
00:03:28,124 --> 00:03:29,542
{\an8}Which I fast-forward through
82
00:03:29,584 --> 00:03:32,003
{\an8}to get
to the chopped-off heads.
83
00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:34,005
I could teach you if you want.
It's a lot easier than French.
84
00:03:34,047 --> 00:03:35,131
- Yeah.
Let's do it.
85
00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:36,841
- Athdavrazar!
- Oh--
86
00:03:36,883 --> 00:03:38,176
- It means "excellent."
87
00:03:38,259 --> 00:03:39,260
And we have begun.
88
00:03:49,604 --> 00:03:51,940
- [choking]
- Oscar. Oscar!
89
00:03:51,981 --> 00:03:54,025
Oscar!
90
00:03:54,150 --> 00:03:55,402
Ugh.
91
00:03:55,443 --> 00:03:58,154
- [exhales heavily]
Thanks.
92
00:03:58,196 --> 00:04:00,115
Totally my fault.
93
00:04:04,744 --> 00:04:06,705
- What are you doing?
94
00:04:06,788 --> 00:04:08,081
- What?
95
00:04:11,209 --> 00:04:14,462
[tapping on desk]
96
00:04:14,587 --> 00:04:15,630
- Is everything okay?
97
00:04:15,672 --> 00:04:16,965
- Hmm?
98
00:04:17,132 --> 00:04:18,425
Oh--
oh, yeah.
99
00:04:18,508 --> 00:04:19,801
Yeah, yeah, yeah, fine.
100
00:04:19,968 --> 00:04:21,886
Fine, fine, fine.
101
00:04:22,012 --> 00:04:24,014
I mean, I d--
I just don't want to burden you
102
00:04:24,097 --> 00:04:26,182
with my massive
stress freak-outs.
103
00:04:26,266 --> 00:04:27,684
- Great.
104
00:04:27,726 --> 00:04:30,020
- It's just that I am taking
my driver's license test
105
00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:32,564
in two days,
and I need to practice
106
00:04:32,689 --> 00:04:34,315
with an experienced driver
in the car.
107
00:04:34,399 --> 00:04:36,026
But I've had no time
to do that,
108
00:04:36,067 --> 00:04:39,070
thanks to "Demandy."
109
00:04:39,195 --> 00:04:40,739
Andy has a desperate need
to be popular.
110
00:04:40,905 --> 00:04:43,450
I made him
look ridiculous once,
111
00:04:43,533 --> 00:04:45,076
and he has been punishing me
ever since
112
00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:46,661
with crap assignments.
113
00:04:46,745 --> 00:04:50,623
For example,
he has asked me for 75 ways
114
00:04:50,749 --> 00:04:54,210
to make a hat using a sheet
of Dunder Mifflin paper.
115
00:04:54,336 --> 00:04:57,756
So far, I have come up
with this
116
00:04:57,839 --> 00:05:00,216
and this.
117
00:05:00,342 --> 00:05:02,844
I defy you to think of another.
118
00:05:02,927 --> 00:05:05,430
I just want
to hit the open road
119
00:05:05,472 --> 00:05:08,975
and drive, man, but...
120
00:05:09,100 --> 00:05:10,060
in whose car?
121
00:05:10,185 --> 00:05:12,187
- Nellie!
122
00:05:12,270 --> 00:05:15,106
Get your wrinkly old balls
in here.
123
00:05:15,190 --> 00:05:16,691
- [sighs]
124
00:05:19,527 --> 00:05:22,405
- Nellie, I could practice with
you in my car at lunchtime.
125
00:05:22,489 --> 00:05:23,782
- Oh, Pam, thank you.
126
00:05:23,865 --> 00:05:26,326
You are my savior.
127
00:05:26,409 --> 00:05:27,243
[giggling]
128
00:05:27,369 --> 00:05:29,120
- Oh, my God!
- Ohh!
129
00:05:29,245 --> 00:05:31,581
[giggling]
130
00:05:31,664 --> 00:05:33,208
- I'm sorry I'm leaving you
alone for lunch.
131
00:05:33,333 --> 00:05:35,085
- Don't worry about it.
132
00:05:35,126 --> 00:05:38,254
I have a thing.
133
00:05:38,338 --> 00:05:40,048
A thing of soup.
134
00:05:40,131 --> 00:05:41,299
Which I've been
wanting to try.
135
00:05:44,678 --> 00:05:46,721
- This is my research
136
00:05:46,763 --> 00:05:49,057
into how we might produce
child-proof paper
137
00:05:49,140 --> 00:05:51,101
that doesn't give you
paper cuts.
138
00:05:51,184 --> 00:05:52,310
We can't.
139
00:05:52,435 --> 00:05:56,189
And here is a printout
of your genealogy
140
00:05:56,231 --> 00:05:58,108
from
thisisyourfamilytree.com.
141
00:05:58,191 --> 00:05:59,776
Executive-summary me.
Hit the highlights.
142
00:05:59,859 --> 00:06:01,361
- Well, it turns out,
143
00:06:01,444 --> 00:06:04,197
you are
a distant blood relative
144
00:06:04,280 --> 00:06:07,242
of Michelle Obama.
145
00:06:07,325 --> 00:06:09,077
- As in--
- Wife of Barack,
146
00:06:09,119 --> 00:06:11,955
loves gardening,
wants to wipe out fat children.
147
00:06:12,038 --> 00:06:13,832
- Wow.
148
00:06:13,873 --> 00:06:16,126
This is super-flattering.
149
00:06:16,209 --> 00:06:20,088
She's the most popular person
in America.
150
00:06:20,171 --> 00:06:22,590
This is a big day
for both of us.
151
00:06:22,674 --> 00:06:24,634
My fellow Americans,
152
00:06:24,718 --> 00:06:27,429
I come bearing news
of my "Nard-cestors."
153
00:06:27,512 --> 00:06:29,055
I have a feeling
my approval rating
154
00:06:29,139 --> 00:06:31,641
is about to go
through the roof.
155
00:06:31,725 --> 00:06:36,813
Turns out, I am related
to Michelle Obama.
156
00:06:36,896 --> 00:06:39,149
- I was intimidated
by Andy's family before.
157
00:06:39,232 --> 00:06:41,943
And now I have to see
the first lady at holidays?
158
00:06:42,027 --> 00:06:42,986
She's gonna be like,
159
00:06:43,069 --> 00:06:44,779
"What's your stance
on politics?"
160
00:06:44,863 --> 00:06:46,990
Or, "What is
the best war to do?"
161
00:06:47,073 --> 00:06:49,284
And I will just be like,
162
00:06:49,325 --> 00:06:51,494
"Duh."
163
00:06:51,536 --> 00:06:54,789
- I finally get why my arms
are so toned, you know?
164
00:06:54,914 --> 00:06:56,958
Right?
Check it out.
165
00:06:57,042 --> 00:06:58,335
Somebody come slap
my hang-down.
166
00:06:58,376 --> 00:06:59,836
- What is that?
167
00:06:59,878 --> 00:07:01,629
- Oh, it's the part of my guns
that hangs below my arm.
168
00:07:01,713 --> 00:07:03,381
Slap it. Won't move.
169
00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:05,050
- It's moving.
- Ow.
170
00:07:05,091 --> 00:07:06,676
You know, in 2008 when America
171
00:07:06,801 --> 00:07:08,303
elected its first
Black president,
172
00:07:08,470 --> 00:07:12,891
I was so moved, and I was like,
what is this about?
173
00:07:12,974 --> 00:07:14,934
And now I get it.
174
00:07:15,018 --> 00:07:16,478
- Hey, Andy, you know what?
175
00:07:16,561 --> 00:07:18,146
My parents are gonna be in D.C.
next month for a wedding.
176
00:07:18,188 --> 00:07:19,856
Can you call ahead
and get the Lincoln Bedroom?
177
00:07:19,981 --> 00:07:22,275
- Okay, slow down there, Turbo.
178
00:07:22,359 --> 00:07:24,402
I literally just found out.
179
00:07:24,486 --> 00:07:26,988
I mean, I'll see what I can do.
It's likely.
180
00:07:27,113 --> 00:07:29,699
But they should probably get a
hotel reservation as a backup.
181
00:07:29,783 --> 00:07:33,078
- Okay.
182
00:07:33,161 --> 00:07:36,706
- Like Andy needs yet another
thing to show off about.
183
00:07:36,748 --> 00:07:38,333
It's a Prius.
184
00:07:38,375 --> 00:07:40,043
We get it.
185
00:07:40,126 --> 00:07:43,672
It's good for the environing.
186
00:07:43,797 --> 00:07:45,382
- The Eisenhower inauguration.
187
00:07:45,507 --> 00:07:49,094
There I am, ah, right there,
that white dot.
188
00:07:51,262 --> 00:07:53,848
Oh, I guess I wasn't there.
189
00:07:55,892 --> 00:07:56,893
- All right!
190
00:07:57,018 --> 00:07:59,020
We gotta get rid
of all this junk food.
191
00:07:59,187 --> 00:08:00,980
Get fit, America!
192
00:08:01,064 --> 00:08:04,317
Not sure if the buzz has
reached the annex yet, but, uh,
193
00:08:04,401 --> 00:08:05,985
I'm related
to Michelle Obama.
194
00:08:06,069 --> 00:08:08,988
[applause]
195
00:08:10,573 --> 00:08:11,825
- Yeah, we noticed
early on
196
00:08:11,866 --> 00:08:14,244
Andy really appreciates
enthusiasm.
197
00:08:14,327 --> 00:08:15,453
- So we decided the best way
to get ahead here
198
00:08:15,537 --> 00:08:17,122
is to be
his cheerleaders.
199
00:08:17,247 --> 00:08:19,666
Ohh!
200
00:08:20,917 --> 00:08:23,878
[applause]
201
00:08:27,257 --> 00:08:28,925
It's starting to have
this reverse effect, though,
202
00:08:28,967 --> 00:08:31,678
where I really do think
the stuff he does is awesome.
203
00:08:31,761 --> 00:08:33,179
- Yeah, me too.
It's weird.
204
00:08:33,263 --> 00:08:35,015
Hard to remember what's real
at this point.
205
00:08:35,098 --> 00:08:37,726
- Just clap through it, man.
206
00:08:37,767 --> 00:08:40,645
- You're logging sales
at ten different times.
207
00:08:40,729 --> 00:08:43,314
If you log 'em all at once,
you save a lot of time.
208
00:08:43,356 --> 00:08:44,524
It's called batching.
209
00:08:44,566 --> 00:08:45,567
- This is really good,
Darryl.
210
00:08:45,650 --> 00:08:46,860
- Life hacking, man.
211
00:08:46,985 --> 00:08:48,069
- There he is!
212
00:08:48,153 --> 00:08:49,154
- Andy, you gotta
check this out.
213
00:08:49,195 --> 00:08:50,739
He just--
- [tutting]
214
00:08:50,822 --> 00:08:53,491
Right now, I need
canned tuna, okay?
215
00:08:53,616 --> 00:08:56,244
Darryl, guess
which talented individual
216
00:08:56,369 --> 00:08:58,496
who also has
a killer singing voice
217
00:08:58,580 --> 00:09:00,290
is related
to the first lady.
218
00:09:00,331 --> 00:09:02,792
- Tracee Ellis Ross.
219
00:09:02,834 --> 00:09:06,254
Daughter of the first lady
of Motown, Diana Ross.
220
00:09:06,379 --> 00:09:07,547
- It's me!
[chuckles]
221
00:09:07,630 --> 00:09:09,049
I'm related
to Michelle Obama.
222
00:09:09,174 --> 00:09:10,884
- What?
Really?
223
00:09:10,967 --> 00:09:12,802
- I mean, it's distant,
but--
224
00:09:12,927 --> 00:09:14,721
- [chuckles]
That's cool, man.
225
00:09:14,888 --> 00:09:16,556
- Right?
226
00:09:16,681 --> 00:09:19,225
Darryl said,
"Cool, man."
227
00:09:19,309 --> 00:09:21,853
He called me
a cool man.
228
00:09:24,397 --> 00:09:25,607
- You know, I really do think
229
00:09:25,690 --> 00:09:27,108
it would be worth it
to pull over
230
00:09:27,192 --> 00:09:28,568
and just take
ten minutes to eat.
231
00:09:28,651 --> 00:09:30,904
- Mm--
the thing is, Pam,
232
00:09:30,987 --> 00:09:32,322
I'm gonna be eating
while I'm driving,
233
00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:34,282
so I might as well
get good at it.
234
00:09:34,407 --> 00:09:36,576
- Brake lights. Brake lights,
brake lights, brake lights!
235
00:09:36,701 --> 00:09:38,745
[tires squealing]
- Whoo!
236
00:09:38,870 --> 00:09:40,622
Mm! [chuckles]
237
00:09:42,582 --> 00:09:45,168
Aren't you gonna eat?
238
00:09:45,210 --> 00:09:47,045
- I'm good.
239
00:09:47,170 --> 00:09:49,214
- I'm just saying, what does it
imply in this country
240
00:09:49,297 --> 00:09:52,050
when a white person shares an
ancestor with a Black person?
241
00:09:52,133 --> 00:09:54,594
- You think that Andy's family
owned slaves?
242
00:09:54,636 --> 00:09:57,013
- Well, somebody owned
somebody.
243
00:09:57,097 --> 00:10:00,141
And I don't think anybody
would buy an Andy.
244
00:10:00,225 --> 00:10:03,144
- "Dear Michelle, how are you?
I am fine.
245
00:10:03,228 --> 00:10:04,813
"My name is Andrew Bernard,
246
00:10:04,854 --> 00:10:07,315
"and I recently discovered
that we are related.
247
00:10:07,399 --> 00:10:09,734
"I want you to know
that the rest of the family
248
00:10:09,818 --> 00:10:13,154
"is so proud of you
for all that you have achieved.
249
00:10:13,238 --> 00:10:15,907
"As for me, I am currently
branch manager
250
00:10:16,032 --> 00:10:19,369
"of a very exciting
and dynamic paper company.
251
00:10:19,411 --> 00:10:23,081
"Yes, you guessed it,
the famous Dunder Mifflin.
252
00:10:23,164 --> 00:10:26,209
"If you'd like to meet,
I can come to DC any Saturday
253
00:10:26,251 --> 00:10:28,503
"except October 20th
due to a previous commitment.
254
00:10:28,545 --> 00:10:31,756
Hope"--and I wrote that
in all caps--
255
00:10:31,840 --> 00:10:33,800
"to see you soon.
256
00:10:33,883 --> 00:10:36,219
"But again, not on the 20th.
257
00:10:36,261 --> 00:10:39,931
Love, Andy Bernard."
258
00:10:40,015 --> 00:10:41,433
- I throat-rip.
259
00:10:41,516 --> 00:10:42,684
- Foth aggendak.
260
00:10:42,851 --> 00:10:44,060
- You throat-rip.
261
00:10:44,102 --> 00:10:45,228
- Foth aggendi.
262
00:10:45,311 --> 00:10:46,771
- He-she-it throat-rips.
263
00:10:46,855 --> 00:10:48,148
- Foth aggenda.
264
00:10:48,231 --> 00:10:49,566
- More of a barbaric growl.
265
00:10:49,649 --> 00:10:51,067
- [growling]
Foth aggenda.
266
00:10:51,109 --> 00:10:52,610
- Louder. You're shouting it
from the back of a horse.
267
00:10:52,694 --> 00:10:54,696
- Foth aggenda!
268
00:10:54,779 --> 00:10:57,240
It is such
a passionate language.
269
00:10:57,323 --> 00:11:00,744
A lot more shouting
and spitting than French.
270
00:11:00,827 --> 00:11:03,788
But if Andy and I ever rent
a place on the Dothraki coast,
271
00:11:03,872 --> 00:11:06,207
I won't stick out as a tourist.
272
00:11:06,249 --> 00:11:08,877
- Pretty crazy about Andy
and Michelle Obama, huh?
273
00:11:09,002 --> 00:11:11,296
- [laughing]
Yeah.
274
00:11:11,338 --> 00:11:13,965
It's almost unbelievable.
275
00:11:14,049 --> 00:11:15,175
- What?
276
00:11:15,216 --> 00:11:16,676
- Well, do you know
how Andy has been
277
00:11:16,718 --> 00:11:19,304
really salting
my onions lately?
278
00:11:19,387 --> 00:11:20,972
- Sure.
279
00:11:21,056 --> 00:11:23,266
- Well, when he asked me
to look up his ancestry online,
280
00:11:23,308 --> 00:11:25,060
I remembered that news story
about Michelle Obama
281
00:11:25,143 --> 00:11:27,395
having white relatives,
and I just knew
282
00:11:27,479 --> 00:11:29,522
he would eat that up.
283
00:11:29,647 --> 00:11:31,900
- So he's not related
to Michelle Obama?
284
00:11:31,941 --> 00:11:33,610
- Pam,
285
00:11:33,693 --> 00:11:36,488
I barely know
how to turn on my computer.
286
00:11:36,571 --> 00:11:38,823
- [gasps]
287
00:11:38,907 --> 00:11:40,950
Nellie's pretty fearless.
288
00:11:40,992 --> 00:11:44,621
And I think she might be
maybe even almost sort of fun.
289
00:11:44,662 --> 00:11:46,081
- [whispering] Pam!
290
00:11:47,791 --> 00:11:50,001
- [laughs]
291
00:11:50,126 --> 00:11:51,169
- Well, if there's
another explanation,
292
00:11:51,252 --> 00:11:53,505
I don't really see
what it could possibly be.
293
00:11:53,630 --> 00:11:55,340
I--
294
00:11:55,382 --> 00:11:57,258
- What's going on here?
295
00:11:57,342 --> 00:11:59,135
I'm related
to the first lady, okay?
296
00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:01,137
Get over it.
[laughs]
297
00:12:01,179 --> 00:12:03,223
I still need weekly status
reports from most of you.
298
00:12:03,264 --> 00:12:05,767
So can we get
back to work, please?
299
00:12:05,934 --> 00:12:07,435
Get back to work.
300
00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:09,229
[mimicking whip cracking]
301
00:12:09,312 --> 00:12:10,480
- [mimicking whip cracking]
302
00:12:10,605 --> 00:12:11,606
- Andy--
- [mimics whip cracking]
303
00:12:11,690 --> 00:12:12,691
- Andy, no!
304
00:12:12,774 --> 00:12:15,318
I would be
very polite today.
305
00:12:15,402 --> 00:12:16,736
- Why, is it Employees' Day
or something?
306
00:12:16,903 --> 00:12:18,697
I cannot keep track
of these BS holidays.
307
00:12:18,863 --> 00:12:20,740
- Your connection
to Michelle Obama
308
00:12:20,782 --> 00:12:24,285
has certain...
negative connotations.
309
00:12:24,369 --> 00:12:26,579
Most likely,
your family were...
310
00:12:26,705 --> 00:12:28,957
slave owners.
311
00:12:28,998 --> 00:12:30,417
- Does anyone else
think it's possible
312
00:12:30,458 --> 00:12:31,793
that I come
from slave owners?
313
00:12:36,423 --> 00:12:39,426
- Whoa, that person has really
314
00:12:39,509 --> 00:12:41,928
gotten him--or herself--
into quite a predicament.
315
00:12:45,557 --> 00:12:46,558
- Hey, Mom, it's Andy.
316
00:12:46,641 --> 00:12:47,559
Give me a call
when you get a chance.
317
00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:49,019
Got a quick question for you.
318
00:12:49,060 --> 00:12:50,311
Uh, no big deal, just about
America's national shame.
319
00:12:50,395 --> 00:12:51,563
Thanks, bye.
320
00:12:53,231 --> 00:12:54,149
Where were we?
321
00:12:54,274 --> 00:12:55,900
Uh--yes, okay.
322
00:12:55,984 --> 00:12:58,194
Your...
productivity thing.
323
00:12:58,319 --> 00:13:00,280
- Yes, yes, yes.
- Great.
324
00:13:00,447 --> 00:13:03,241
Ooh, spreadsheets.
Yum, yum.
325
00:13:03,324 --> 00:13:04,242
- I included
some time-saving ideas.
326
00:13:04,284 --> 00:13:05,285
- Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
327
00:13:05,326 --> 00:13:06,327
Look, I'm not gonna
lie to you.
328
00:13:06,453 --> 00:13:08,496
I'm a teensy bit
distracted right now.
329
00:13:08,663 --> 00:13:10,665
- Look, Andy,
even if your ancestors
330
00:13:10,707 --> 00:13:13,501
did own slaves,
it wouldn't be your fault.
331
00:13:13,543 --> 00:13:15,754
This is only weird
if you make it weird.
332
00:13:15,795 --> 00:13:18,423
- [snaps fingers]
Right on, brother.
333
00:13:18,548 --> 00:13:20,800
Word dat.
- Mm.
334
00:13:23,887 --> 00:13:26,723
- Oscar, is that
a Paul Smith tie?
335
00:13:26,806 --> 00:13:28,099
The senator loves them.
336
00:13:28,141 --> 00:13:30,268
- Oh, does he?
- Yeah.
337
00:13:30,310 --> 00:13:32,854
They're really expensive.
338
00:13:33,021 --> 00:13:34,397
- Really?
339
00:13:34,481 --> 00:13:36,024
Well, this was a gift,
340
00:13:36,149 --> 00:13:38,068
uh, from my...
341
00:13:38,193 --> 00:13:39,861
wealthy aunt...
342
00:13:39,944 --> 00:13:42,447
Doubtfire--uh.
343
00:13:42,530 --> 00:13:43,531
- Mm-hmm.
344
00:13:46,785 --> 00:13:48,703
- Ador!
- Daras.
345
00:13:50,622 --> 00:13:52,332
- Qazer!
- Daras.
346
00:13:53,208 --> 00:13:55,543
Does anyone here have
fermented mare's milk?
347
00:13:59,964 --> 00:14:01,257
- Hey, Erin.
348
00:14:01,383 --> 00:14:03,259
- Atchomar chomakaan!
349
00:14:03,426 --> 00:14:05,053
- Oh, okay.
350
00:14:05,178 --> 00:14:07,472
Sorry.
351
00:14:07,514 --> 00:14:09,140
Akat vindelat naqis.
352
00:14:09,182 --> 00:14:11,643
Literally "small double stab."
353
00:14:11,685 --> 00:14:12,977
- How do you say,
"Shut the hell up.
354
00:14:13,144 --> 00:14:15,105
I'm on a sales call"?
355
00:14:15,230 --> 00:14:16,314
- Oh, pop quiz.
356
00:14:16,439 --> 00:14:18,441
Dothraki word for "shirt."
357
00:14:18,608 --> 00:14:19,818
- Oh, um--
358
00:14:19,943 --> 00:14:21,861
- Trick question.
There isn't one.
359
00:14:21,903 --> 00:14:23,863
They don't wear shirts.
Oh, God!
360
00:14:23,905 --> 00:14:25,907
Why are you always soaking wet?
361
00:14:25,990 --> 00:14:27,992
- It's normal.
362
00:14:29,536 --> 00:14:31,454
- Ah.
363
00:14:31,496 --> 00:14:33,957
Jadro govak.
364
00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:35,500
- Does that mean "Jim"?
365
00:14:35,583 --> 00:14:37,585
No, it means...
366
00:14:41,131 --> 00:14:43,842
[laughter]
- What? Ew!
367
00:14:43,925 --> 00:14:45,343
You're gonna have
to bleep that.
368
00:14:45,385 --> 00:14:46,928
- Ribbit, ribbit.
- Oh!
369
00:14:47,012 --> 00:14:48,722
- [grunting]
370
00:14:48,763 --> 00:14:50,140
Ribbit, ribbit.
- Oh! [laughs]
371
00:14:50,223 --> 00:14:53,143
- Jadro govak.
[laughter]
372
00:14:53,268 --> 00:14:54,644
- Oh, still, it must be great
to have something else
373
00:14:54,728 --> 00:14:55,979
going on outside of work.
374
00:14:56,062 --> 00:14:57,814
- Yeah--
turn signal.
375
00:14:57,897 --> 00:14:59,149
It's exciting to be
painting again--
376
00:14:59,232 --> 00:15:00,525
those are the wipers.
377
00:15:00,567 --> 00:15:02,360
So the--
it's just--
378
00:15:02,527 --> 00:15:03,570
there you go, yeah.
379
00:15:03,653 --> 00:15:04,904
[chuckles]
380
00:15:04,988 --> 00:15:06,614
Yeah, things get so busy
with the kids--
381
00:15:06,656 --> 00:15:08,908
red light--that it's nice
to have that creative outlet--
382
00:15:09,034 --> 00:15:10,410
red light, red light,
red, red--
383
00:15:10,493 --> 00:15:13,329
[tires screeching]
384
00:15:13,455 --> 00:15:15,874
- That is brilliant, Pam.
385
00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:17,625
I'd love to see
some of your work.
386
00:15:17,667 --> 00:15:19,169
- Well, since we're stopped
at a light,
387
00:15:19,210 --> 00:15:22,464
uh, here is...
388
00:15:22,589 --> 00:15:25,675
the mural I did
for Angela's baby.
389
00:15:25,759 --> 00:15:28,178
- That is amazing, Pam.
390
00:15:28,261 --> 00:15:31,639
Oh, I love
the lion in the tuxedo.
391
00:15:31,723 --> 00:15:34,809
- Angela insisted that all
the animals be fully clothed.
392
00:15:34,893 --> 00:15:36,311
- Oh, yeah.
393
00:15:36,436 --> 00:15:38,480
- Hey, y'all.
394
00:15:38,563 --> 00:15:40,815
You think you could turn in
those status reports
395
00:15:40,899 --> 00:15:43,151
by 4:00, preferably?
396
00:15:43,234 --> 00:15:44,235
Or whenever?
397
00:15:44,402 --> 00:15:45,987
- I'll take whenever.
398
00:15:46,112 --> 00:15:49,949
- Ah. [laughs]
399
00:15:50,075 --> 00:15:52,494
That's my old peer Stanley.
400
00:15:52,535 --> 00:15:54,913
You keep up the hard work
that we're...
401
00:15:54,954 --> 00:15:56,915
paying you a decent wage for.
402
00:15:56,998 --> 00:15:58,583
- Andy...
403
00:15:58,667 --> 00:16:00,335
remember what we said
about making it weird?
404
00:16:00,460 --> 00:16:01,670
- Yes, I do.
- You're making it weird.
405
00:16:01,753 --> 00:16:03,171
- Yes, I am.
406
00:16:03,254 --> 00:16:04,839
[inhales deeply]
407
00:16:04,923 --> 00:16:06,925
[whispering] Where's my mom?
408
00:16:07,050 --> 00:16:10,804
Hey, has anyone turned in
their status reports up here?
409
00:16:10,845 --> 00:16:13,056
- Vos.
410
00:16:13,139 --> 00:16:14,683
- So no?
411
00:16:14,808 --> 00:16:16,351
- No.
412
00:16:16,476 --> 00:16:17,852
- Do you think maybe
you could remind people?
413
00:16:17,936 --> 00:16:20,271
I'm trying to downplay the
whole bossy-boss thing today.
414
00:16:20,355 --> 00:16:21,648
- Because of your slaves.
Yeah.
415
00:16:21,815 --> 00:16:24,609
- Not my slaves,
my ancestors'.
416
00:16:24,651 --> 00:16:27,362
Maybe.
Probably not.
417
00:16:27,529 --> 00:16:28,988
- Well, if it makes you
feel any better,
418
00:16:29,030 --> 00:16:31,574
the Dothraki word
for "slave master,"
419
00:16:31,658 --> 00:16:35,537
azzafrok,
is a term of respect.
420
00:16:35,662 --> 00:16:37,580
I'm learning
how to speak Dothraki.
421
00:16:37,622 --> 00:16:39,040
Color you impressed?
422
00:16:39,124 --> 00:16:40,458
- That you're learning
a made-up language
423
00:16:40,625 --> 00:16:43,211
from HBO's Game of Thrones?
424
00:16:43,294 --> 00:16:46,339
I have a lot going on today,
425
00:16:46,506 --> 00:16:48,299
but this was
a great nerd-out.
426
00:16:50,760 --> 00:16:51,761
- Dwight, you didn't tell me
you were teaching me
427
00:16:51,845 --> 00:16:53,054
a fake language.
428
00:16:53,221 --> 00:16:54,556
- People laughed at Klingon
at first,
429
00:16:54,639 --> 00:16:57,350
and now you can major in it.
430
00:16:57,517 --> 00:16:59,227
- Now Andy thinks I'm a loser,
431
00:16:59,269 --> 00:17:01,104
I can only imagine
what he's going to tell
432
00:17:01,146 --> 00:17:03,481
his a cappella buddies
at their next Skype and Sing.
433
00:17:05,108 --> 00:17:06,776
[indistinct chatter]
434
00:17:06,818 --> 00:17:08,319
- Hi, guys.
435
00:17:08,361 --> 00:17:09,821
- Hey, boss.
I am so thirsty.
436
00:17:09,863 --> 00:17:12,198
Can I have
a scoop of water?
437
00:17:12,323 --> 00:17:14,534
- Yeah.
You don't have to ask me.
438
00:17:14,617 --> 00:17:17,829
[stifled laughter]
439
00:17:17,871 --> 00:17:19,289
Ha-ha.
Okay, great.
440
00:17:19,414 --> 00:17:20,540
Very funny.
I get it.
441
00:17:20,623 --> 00:17:22,500
Just because my ancestors
happened to be--
442
00:17:22,584 --> 00:17:25,086
[cell phone ringtone
playing Dixie]
443
00:17:25,170 --> 00:17:26,921
[all clapping rhythmically]
444
00:17:27,088 --> 00:17:31,384
? ?
445
00:17:31,468 --> 00:17:32,802
Very funny,
Kevin changed my ringtone.
446
00:17:32,969 --> 00:17:34,220
Very funny.
447
00:17:34,346 --> 00:17:36,848
I liked the original song
on my ringtone,
448
00:17:36,890 --> 00:17:38,433
which, you may remember,
449
00:17:38,516 --> 00:17:40,685
was Diamonds on the Soles
of Her Shoes by Paul Simon,
450
00:17:40,769 --> 00:17:46,524
featuring Ladysmith
African American Mambazo.
451
00:17:51,196 --> 00:17:53,990
I'm having the worst day ever.
452
00:17:54,074 --> 00:17:57,577
Thanks a lot, slavery.
453
00:17:57,660 --> 00:17:59,788
Why does this stuff
always happen to me?
454
00:18:02,374 --> 00:18:04,125
- So unfair.
455
00:18:07,420 --> 00:18:09,422
Upside to the new job:
456
00:18:09,506 --> 00:18:11,633
I've got some new hobbies,
like boxing.
457
00:18:11,675 --> 00:18:14,594
I'll just go at the heavy bag
for hours.
458
00:18:14,636 --> 00:18:16,930
Sometimes they gotta
pull me off.
459
00:18:17,013 --> 00:18:20,392
- Good. Very good.
[cell phone beeping]
460
00:18:20,475 --> 00:18:23,269
Oh, no.
461
00:18:23,311 --> 00:18:25,188
Here, it's, uh,
a text from Andy.
462
00:18:25,271 --> 00:18:28,775
"New special proj.
Need fam tree for evbody.
463
00:18:28,942 --> 00:18:31,403
"Really dig up dirt.
A.S.A.P."
464
00:18:31,444 --> 00:18:32,487
And then in parentheses,
465
00:18:32,654 --> 00:18:33,863
he wrote out,
"as soon as possible."
466
00:18:33,947 --> 00:18:35,323
- Mm.
467
00:18:35,365 --> 00:18:39,369
Ugh, looks like
it's pretendy time again.
468
00:18:39,411 --> 00:18:40,995
Write back,
469
00:18:41,079 --> 00:18:42,747
"Looking for dirt."
470
00:18:42,831 --> 00:18:44,833
- Oh, can I help?
471
00:18:44,874 --> 00:18:47,168
We could say someone
is related to, um,
472
00:18:47,293 --> 00:18:49,379
Tonya Harding.
473
00:18:49,462 --> 00:18:52,716
- Pam, I'm related
to Tonya Harding.
474
00:18:52,757 --> 00:18:53,925
- Oh, gee, I'm--
475
00:18:53,967 --> 00:18:56,761
- No, I'm just
practicing my lying.
476
00:18:56,845 --> 00:18:59,305
[whispering] I love it.
- Brilliant.
477
00:18:59,347 --> 00:19:01,224
- What should we say
about Jim?
478
00:19:01,391 --> 00:19:04,561
- Um--oh, I'll say
he's related to Richard Nixon.
479
00:19:04,602 --> 00:19:05,687
It's an inside joke.
480
00:19:05,854 --> 00:19:07,355
He looks really Nixony
when he wakes up.
481
00:19:07,439 --> 00:19:09,607
- My ex behaved like Nixon.
482
00:19:09,691 --> 00:19:14,070
All of the lying,
none of the sexual charisma.
483
00:19:14,154 --> 00:19:16,239
I just made a joke then.
484
00:19:16,281 --> 00:19:17,198
- I'm sorry.
485
00:19:17,323 --> 00:19:18,700
It's just, um,
486
00:19:18,867 --> 00:19:20,201
I actually do have
this weird feeling
487
00:19:20,368 --> 00:19:21,953
that there's something
Jim isn't telling me.
488
00:19:22,037 --> 00:19:23,538
- Oh, no.
489
00:19:23,621 --> 00:19:25,081
Oh, an affair.
490
00:19:25,206 --> 00:19:27,375
It is always an affair.
491
00:19:27,417 --> 00:19:29,336
- Jim? No.
492
00:19:29,502 --> 00:19:31,546
- [sighs]
How can you be sure?
493
00:19:31,671 --> 00:19:35,383
- Because he just
loves me too much.
494
00:19:35,550 --> 00:19:37,427
- You're a cocky little thing,
aren't you, Pam?
495
00:19:37,594 --> 00:19:38,845
- [laughs]
496
00:19:43,767 --> 00:19:45,685
[door clicks open]
497
00:19:45,769 --> 00:19:47,812
- Hey, everyone,
I'd like to invite you all
498
00:19:47,896 --> 00:19:50,023
to a meeting
in the conference room.
499
00:19:50,190 --> 00:19:52,442
Nothing too serious,
super casual.
500
00:19:52,609 --> 00:19:53,818
In fact, I don't even want
to call it a meeting.
501
00:19:53,860 --> 00:19:56,654
Let's call it a hangout sesh.
502
00:19:56,696 --> 00:20:00,241
Not that casual, Meredith.
503
00:20:00,408 --> 00:20:01,326
- Really?
504
00:20:06,623 --> 00:20:09,250
- I thought I would begin
by re-announcing
505
00:20:09,292 --> 00:20:11,503
the promotion I made
a couple of weeks ago.
506
00:20:11,586 --> 00:20:13,963
Still holding
the esteemed position
507
00:20:14,047 --> 00:20:17,509
of assistant regional manager
and--fascinating side note--
508
00:20:17,676 --> 00:20:22,764
the first-ever African American
to ever hold this post,
509
00:20:22,847 --> 00:20:25,308
the amazing Darryl Philbin.
510
00:20:25,433 --> 00:20:28,937
[applause]
511
00:20:29,020 --> 00:20:31,398
- Is any new business gonna be
discussed at this meeting?
512
00:20:31,481 --> 00:20:34,109
- Yes, actually, there is.
513
00:20:34,192 --> 00:20:37,320
I've done a little
genealogy research of my own.
514
00:20:37,445 --> 00:20:40,198
Turns out, I'm not the only one
with a few skeletons
515
00:20:40,240 --> 00:20:42,283
in the ol' family closet.
516
00:20:42,367 --> 00:20:45,203
For example,
517
00:20:45,328 --> 00:20:46,871
Phyllis'
great-great-grandmother
518
00:20:46,955 --> 00:20:49,791
was responsible for spreading
cholera to the United States.
519
00:20:49,916 --> 00:20:51,126
- Ew.
520
00:20:51,251 --> 00:20:53,670
- Kevin is related
to both John Wayne Gacy
521
00:20:53,795 --> 00:20:55,672
and John Wayne Bobbitt.
522
00:20:55,714 --> 00:20:58,008
- And John Wayne?
523
00:20:58,091 --> 00:20:59,592
- No.
Not that I see here.
524
00:20:59,676 --> 00:21:02,012
- Wayne Johnson?
The Rock?
525
00:21:02,095 --> 00:21:04,681
- You mean Dwayne,
and no.
526
00:21:04,848 --> 00:21:06,933
But Toby's got some
entertainers in the family--
527
00:21:07,017 --> 00:21:09,436
a whole sideshow's worth,
it turns out--
528
00:21:09,477 --> 00:21:12,063
including a pinhead,
a giantess,
529
00:21:12,147 --> 00:21:14,649
two bearded ladies,
and a duck boy.
530
00:21:14,816 --> 00:21:15,942
- [sighs]
531
00:21:16,109 --> 00:21:17,610
A lot of conditions like that
532
00:21:17,652 --> 00:21:19,946
could be treated
with modern medicine.
533
00:21:19,988 --> 00:21:21,823
What about Jim Halpert?
Uh-oh.
534
00:21:21,865 --> 00:21:24,325
Turns out, distant relative
of the reviled
535
00:21:24,409 --> 00:21:25,785
Richard Nixon.
536
00:21:25,910 --> 00:21:28,204
- Pam always says
I look like Nixon.
537
00:21:28,246 --> 00:21:30,248
That's crazy, right?
538
00:21:30,331 --> 00:21:32,500
I mean,
there's nothing there.
539
00:21:32,625 --> 00:21:33,918
Tru--
540
00:21:37,505 --> 00:21:40,383
Oh, no.
541
00:21:40,425 --> 00:21:42,052
- Creed's great-grandfather
once held up a saloon.
542
00:21:42,177 --> 00:21:45,847
- No, that was me,
Disney Frontierland, 1992.
543
00:21:45,930 --> 00:21:46,931
- Dwight's grandfather was--
544
00:21:46,973 --> 00:21:48,683
- Was a member
of the Bund,
545
00:21:48,850 --> 00:21:50,310
which is not technically
the same thing
546
00:21:50,393 --> 00:21:52,729
as the Nazi Party.
547
00:21:52,812 --> 00:21:54,272
So--
[clears throat]
548
00:21:54,356 --> 00:21:55,690
- I was gonna say
he was a tax evader.
549
00:21:55,815 --> 00:21:58,485
- Oh.
550
00:21:58,568 --> 00:22:00,278
I was joking about
that whole Bund thing.
551
00:22:00,403 --> 00:22:02,197
Oh-ho, the look
on your faces.
552
00:22:02,322 --> 00:22:05,533
[laughs]
553
00:22:05,658 --> 00:22:06,910
- And Meredith
is a blood relative
554
00:22:07,035 --> 00:22:08,119
of Lizzie Borden.
555
00:22:08,203 --> 00:22:09,537
- Cool.
556
00:22:09,621 --> 00:22:10,705
[mimics Psycho stabbing
sound effect]
557
00:22:10,830 --> 00:22:11,831
- Stop it! Stop it.
You're frightening me.
558
00:22:11,873 --> 00:22:13,541
- Andy, did you
call this meeting
559
00:22:13,708 --> 00:22:15,710
just to talk junk
about our families?
560
00:22:15,752 --> 00:22:17,837
- Yeah, that--you're being
really mean.
561
00:22:17,879 --> 00:22:20,215
- No, I'm proving a point, okay?
562
00:22:20,256 --> 00:22:21,883
We all have ancestors
who may have done
563
00:22:21,966 --> 00:22:23,760
horrible things in the past.
564
00:22:23,927 --> 00:22:26,304
But it's in the past,
and it's not our fault.
565
00:22:26,388 --> 00:22:28,223
So we don't have
to talk about it.
566
00:22:28,306 --> 00:22:30,892
- The difference is, Andy,
that you're the only one here
567
00:22:30,934 --> 00:22:33,311
still benefitting
from the terrible things
568
00:22:33,436 --> 00:22:34,896
your ancestors did.
569
00:22:34,938 --> 00:22:37,607
- Might have done,
and how do you figure?
570
00:22:37,691 --> 00:22:39,025
- Your family's rich.
571
00:22:39,067 --> 00:22:40,568
I have to believe
that a big part
572
00:22:40,652 --> 00:22:43,321
of the Bernard fortune was
earned on the backs of slaves.
573
00:22:43,363 --> 00:22:44,572
- You know,
there's nothing wrong
574
00:22:44,614 --> 00:22:46,282
with being successful
in America, Oscar.
575
00:22:46,324 --> 00:22:48,535
I'm not gonna apologize
for my family's wealth.
576
00:22:48,618 --> 00:22:51,705
That wealth could one day
benefit society,
577
00:22:51,871 --> 00:22:53,331
if capital gains
are ever taxed
578
00:22:53,415 --> 00:22:54,708
at the same rate
as earned income.
579
00:22:54,749 --> 00:22:56,376
- Andy, maybe we should--
- No, no.
580
00:22:56,418 --> 00:22:58,003
You know what?
I don't see money.
581
00:22:58,044 --> 00:23:00,255
If you were to ask me who's the
richest person in this office,
582
00:23:00,422 --> 00:23:02,090
I'd be like, gee,
I don't know, Erin?
583
00:23:02,257 --> 00:23:03,883
Even though she's
obviously the poorest.
584
00:23:04,050 --> 00:23:06,219
- What? You're poorer than me?
585
00:23:06,302 --> 00:23:07,262
[laughs]
- Yeah.
586
00:23:07,345 --> 00:23:08,847
- All right.
587
00:23:08,930 --> 00:23:10,181
[cell phone ringtone
playing Dixie]
588
00:23:10,223 --> 00:23:12,726
- Okay, Kevin did that.
589
00:23:12,767 --> 00:23:15,478
I do not wish
I was in Dixie.
590
00:23:15,603 --> 00:23:17,022
Hey, Mom.
How are you?
591
00:23:17,105 --> 00:23:19,733
Did any Bernards ever own
592
00:23:19,816 --> 00:23:22,902
a plantation in the South?
593
00:23:22,986 --> 00:23:24,863
She said no.
Take that!
594
00:23:24,904 --> 00:23:27,198
Follow-up question,
did any Bernards
595
00:23:27,282 --> 00:23:29,784
ever make money
in an unsavory way?
596
00:23:34,873 --> 00:23:36,082
[softly]
I just asked you--
597
00:23:36,207 --> 00:23:37,834
why didn't you just say that?
598
00:23:37,959 --> 00:23:39,711
Okay, stop, stop.
599
00:23:39,794 --> 00:23:41,087
Stop talking.
Stop talking.
600
00:23:41,171 --> 00:23:43,965
That's--no.
I don't want to know that.
601
00:23:44,090 --> 00:23:45,508
Okay, you're interrupting
a meeting.
602
00:23:45,550 --> 00:23:46,509
I have to go.
603
00:23:46,551 --> 00:23:49,346
Love you.
Bye.
604
00:23:49,429 --> 00:23:52,724
Well, turns out, the Bernards
of yore did not own slaves.
605
00:23:52,807 --> 00:23:53,767
- Really?
606
00:23:53,933 --> 00:23:55,435
- We merely
transported them.
607
00:23:55,518 --> 00:23:58,813
Which, at worst,
makes us amoral middlemen.
608
00:24:00,690 --> 00:24:02,734
[applause]
609
00:24:04,903 --> 00:24:07,781
{\an8}- [speaking Dothraki]
610
00:24:16,831 --> 00:24:18,333
- Yo, D-dog,
I need your help.
611
00:24:18,416 --> 00:24:19,668
I'm trying to think of things
I can say that make it sound
612
00:24:19,793 --> 00:24:21,753
like I had a more difficult
childhood than I actually had.
613
00:24:21,795 --> 00:24:22,921
- You gonna po' mouth.
614
00:24:23,004 --> 00:24:24,881
- Exactly.
Help me po' mouth, Darryl.
615
00:24:24,964 --> 00:24:26,966
- Actually, Andy,
you promised me five minutes
616
00:24:27,050 --> 00:24:28,718
to talk about productivity
suggestions--
617
00:24:28,802 --> 00:24:30,887
- What if I said
that my dad beat me
618
00:24:30,970 --> 00:24:33,598
and I just left out
the croquet of it all?
619
00:24:33,682 --> 00:24:35,934
Or I could just
go all the way
620
00:24:36,059 --> 00:24:37,018
and say I grew up
in an apartment.
621
00:24:37,143 --> 00:24:38,478
Or is that too crazy?
622
00:24:38,561 --> 00:24:41,064
- That could work.
623
00:24:41,189 --> 00:24:42,565
Let's see.
624
00:24:42,691 --> 00:24:45,193
I saved 90 seconds brushing
my teeth in the shower,
625
00:24:45,318 --> 00:24:47,237
another 10 seconds
putting my shoes and coat
626
00:24:47,362 --> 00:24:48,697
next to the door.
627
00:24:48,780 --> 00:24:50,031
I'm checking email less,
628
00:24:50,073 --> 00:24:52,450
so that's gotta be
at least another 3 minutes.
629
00:24:52,575 --> 00:24:55,120
But I lost 4 hours of Andy
630
00:24:55,161 --> 00:24:56,996
feeling weird
about his ancestors.
631
00:24:57,038 --> 00:25:00,375
So in summary, I have
no actual control of my life.
632
00:25:00,500 --> 00:25:02,002
- You know, Darryl,
this is textbook
633
00:25:02,085 --> 00:25:04,045
assistant regional manager
stuff here,
634
00:25:04,087 --> 00:25:07,132
and I feel like I'm doing
all the heavy lifting.
635
00:25:07,215 --> 00:25:08,925
I'm coming up
with all the ideas here.
636
00:25:09,050 --> 00:25:11,136
- I'm going for a walk.
637
00:25:11,219 --> 00:25:12,220
- Okay.
638
00:25:18,893 --> 00:25:20,186
- Good...
639
00:25:20,311 --> 00:25:21,604
good, and--
640
00:25:21,646 --> 00:25:23,481
[car thuds]
641
00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:35,368
- You doing
all right, man?
642
00:25:35,493 --> 00:25:37,871
- I'm done.
643
00:25:37,954 --> 00:25:39,956
I gotta
get out of here.
644
00:25:40,040 --> 00:25:41,624
- Yeah.
645
00:25:41,750 --> 00:25:44,502
Not the easiest day to be
assistant regional manager.
646
00:25:44,627 --> 00:25:47,422
- It's not just today.
It's every day.
647
00:25:47,505 --> 00:25:48,965
Seems like
the better title I have,
648
00:25:49,090 --> 00:25:51,051
the stupider my job gets.
649
00:25:51,134 --> 00:25:54,471
- Aw, come on, it can always
get better, right?
650
00:25:54,554 --> 00:25:57,349
- Hmm.
Yeah, right.
651
00:25:57,432 --> 00:25:58,350
- No, I'm serious.
652
00:25:58,475 --> 00:26:01,061
There's always
something better.
653
00:26:01,144 --> 00:26:02,479
- Like what?
654
00:26:02,604 --> 00:26:05,106
- Like, hypothetically,
655
00:26:05,231 --> 00:26:08,360
if I said that there was
another job
656
00:26:08,443 --> 00:26:10,653
that you and I
could both have.
657
00:26:10,695 --> 00:26:12,614
- What kind of job?
658
00:26:12,739 --> 00:26:16,284
- Something cool,
like sports marketing or--
659
00:26:18,078 --> 00:26:19,454
Does that sound like
something you'd be into?
660
00:26:19,537 --> 00:26:20,872
- Hell yeah.
- Right?
661
00:26:20,997 --> 00:26:22,248
- That sounds awesome.
- Okay, but wait.
662
00:26:22,332 --> 00:26:23,625
What if I told you
that it was in Philly?
663
00:26:23,708 --> 00:26:25,168
So you'd have to--
- I love Philly.
664
00:26:25,251 --> 00:26:26,795
- Right?
665
00:26:26,878 --> 00:26:28,713
- It's not even a thought--
- Not even a thought.
666
00:26:28,755 --> 00:26:32,342
It's not even that far away.
I could still commute--exactly.
667
00:26:32,425 --> 00:26:34,135
Exactly.
668
00:26:34,177 --> 00:26:36,388
All right.
669
00:26:36,471 --> 00:26:38,890
- What? Wait, wait, wait.
So, what, is this happening?
670
00:26:38,932 --> 00:26:41,059
- Oh, it's happening.
671
00:26:41,142 --> 00:26:42,352
Let's just keep it
between you and me
672
00:26:42,394 --> 00:26:43,478
for right now, all right?
- Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
673
00:26:43,603 --> 00:26:44,729
Yeah, yeah, for sure,
for sure, for sure.
674
00:26:44,854 --> 00:26:47,399
Man.
And Pam's into it?
675
00:26:47,524 --> 00:26:48,858
- We gotta have
a talk about it,
676
00:26:48,942 --> 00:26:50,235
but I think that she's--
677
00:26:50,360 --> 00:26:51,653
I think she understands...
678
00:26:51,778 --> 00:26:52,821
- Aw, come on, man.
- What this is.
679
00:26:52,904 --> 00:26:53,822
- Thought you had
something real.
680
00:26:53,905 --> 00:26:55,156
- What? No, no, no.
681
00:26:55,240 --> 00:26:56,533
Come on. This is real.
682
00:26:56,658 --> 00:26:58,535
- It's not real
683
00:26:58,660 --> 00:27:00,662
until your wife
is on board.
684
00:27:03,623 --> 00:27:05,500
- Yes, Pam and I
did decide together
685
00:27:05,625 --> 00:27:08,962
that I would not take
the job, so...
686
00:27:09,087 --> 00:27:11,631
thank you, Brian,
for reminding me.
687
00:27:13,717 --> 00:27:15,760
- So what did you
want to show me?
688
00:27:15,885 --> 00:27:18,972
- That is quite an ugly wall,
isn't it?
689
00:27:19,055 --> 00:27:20,765
- Yeah.
It's really ugly.
690
00:27:20,890 --> 00:27:22,726
- Needs something,
doesn't it?
691
00:27:22,809 --> 00:27:26,855
I'm thinking a mural.
692
00:27:26,938 --> 00:27:28,023
- You mean me?
693
00:27:28,106 --> 00:27:31,985
- Yes, you.
You are so talented.
694
00:27:32,027 --> 00:27:33,862
It's going to be
my next special project.
695
00:27:33,903 --> 00:27:36,322
Hiring Scranton's
most dangerous young muralist
696
00:27:36,448 --> 00:27:38,158
to paint
the warehouse wall.
697
00:27:38,283 --> 00:27:39,784
- Oh, my God,
I love it!
698
00:27:39,868 --> 00:27:43,204
Uh, Nellie,
this is brilliant!
699
00:27:43,329 --> 00:27:44,456
Hey!
- Hey.
700
00:27:44,581 --> 00:27:46,041
Can I talk to you
for a second?
701
00:27:46,124 --> 00:27:49,294
- Anything you have
to say to her,
702
00:27:49,419 --> 00:27:50,420
you can say to me.
703
00:27:50,462 --> 00:27:51,463
She never loved you.
704
00:27:51,588 --> 00:27:53,048
- What? No, I--I got this.
705
00:27:53,173 --> 00:27:54,382
[giggling] Okay.
706
00:27:54,466 --> 00:27:55,800
- [softly] Okay.
This is his fault.
707
00:27:55,842 --> 00:27:57,177
It is not your fault.
708
00:27:57,260 --> 00:28:01,056
I am gonna find you
someone better... and rich.
709
00:28:01,139 --> 00:28:02,724
And Filipino.
710
00:28:02,849 --> 00:28:05,060
But we'll break that
to her later.
711
00:28:06,811 --> 00:28:08,438
You know what this
is all about?
712
00:28:08,521 --> 00:28:10,065
- Yeah.
713
00:28:10,106 --> 00:28:12,233
You too, huh?
- Yeah.
714
00:28:14,819 --> 00:28:18,031
Go on, spill it.
715
00:28:18,114 --> 00:28:21,409
Tell her all the gory details,
you snake.
716
00:28:21,534 --> 00:28:22,952
- Hey.
717
00:28:23,078 --> 00:28:24,913
He deserves this.
718
00:28:25,038 --> 00:28:28,750
And he said I could
get in on it too.
719
00:28:28,833 --> 00:28:30,710
[whispering]
Yeah.
720
00:28:30,794 --> 00:28:34,130
[sighs]
- Oh, Pam, no.
721
00:28:34,255 --> 00:28:36,383
Oh, I can't bear
to watch this.
722
00:28:36,508 --> 00:28:38,343
- I don't know what I was
so worried about.
723
00:28:38,385 --> 00:28:41,638
I have the best wife
in the world.
724
00:28:41,721 --> 00:28:44,224
- I still can't believe
he didn't tell me.
725
00:28:49,813 --> 00:28:50,814
- I'm sure he'll understand.
726
00:28:50,897 --> 00:28:52,565
Darryl's your friend.
727
00:28:52,649 --> 00:28:54,901
- Yeah, it's just...[sighs]
728
00:28:54,943 --> 00:28:57,362
We're from such different
backgrounds.
729
00:28:57,445 --> 00:28:59,948
And I don't know
if you can ever get past that.
730
00:29:00,073 --> 00:29:01,074
- Are you kidding me?
731
00:29:01,199 --> 00:29:02,992
Oh, you totally can.
732
00:29:03,076 --> 00:29:04,327
[sighs]
733
00:29:04,411 --> 00:29:06,871
This is gonna sound stupid,
but...
734
00:29:06,955 --> 00:29:09,624
there's a saying from
the Dothraki book of proverbs,
735
00:29:09,708 --> 00:29:12,127
and it goes like this:
736
00:29:12,210 --> 00:29:14,129
"Wolves and horses
live different lives,
737
00:29:14,254 --> 00:29:16,423
"but if you stew them
long enough,
738
00:29:16,506 --> 00:29:18,466
they taste the same," so...
739
00:29:20,135 --> 00:29:22,095
- Wolves and horses.
- Mm-hmm.
740
00:29:22,262 --> 00:29:25,015
- Hmm.
741
00:29:25,098 --> 00:29:26,766
I guess we do taste the same.
742
00:29:26,933 --> 00:29:29,769
Right?
743
00:29:29,853 --> 00:29:32,355
- Dothraki isn't the most
useful language to speak,
744
00:29:32,439 --> 00:29:36,067
but you really study it
for the literature.
745
00:29:41,823 --> 00:29:42,699
- I was helping
Nellie drive--
746
00:29:42,741 --> 00:29:44,075
- Do not care.
747
00:29:50,665 --> 00:29:52,876
- Fonas chek!
748
00:29:52,917 --> 00:29:55,086
- Dothras chek!
749
00:29:55,170 --> 00:29:56,588
[giggles]
750
00:29:58,381 --> 00:30:00,633
- I like that guy.
751
00:30:00,675 --> 00:30:02,510
We should hook him up
with Meredith.
752
00:30:02,552 --> 00:30:03,845
- Hmm.
753
00:30:03,895 --> 00:30:08,445
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