Original subtitles

- [sighs]

Morning, Dwight.

- Who are you?

- Who am I?

I'm Jim.

We've been working together for 12 years.

Weird joke, Dwight.

- You're not Jim. Jim's not Asian.

- You seriously never noticed?

Hey, hats off to you for not seeing race.

- All right, then, Jim.

Uh, why don't you tell me about that sale

that you made yesterday?

- Uh, Wellington Systems?

Sold them ten cases of 24-pound letter stock.

Or were you talking about Krieger-Murphy?

Because I didn't close that one yet,

but I'm hoping I've got a voicemail from Paul Krieger

waiting for me.

- Please enter your password.

You have one new message.

- How did you know?

No! No, no.

That is sensitive information.

Only for employees, not outsiders!

- Dwight, cut it out. I'm trying to work.

- You don't work here! You're not Jim!

- Jim, I got us that dinner reservation.

Grico's, 7:30. - Oh, great.

Can't wait. Mm.

- Jim's at the dentist this morning,

and Steve is an actor friend of ours.

- I don't know who you are,

but you are not Jim.

This is Jim!

Oh, my--

oh, d-- oh, how did--

[gasps]

[cheerful music]

? ?

- [gasps] Hey, study buddies!

- Oh, okay. - Oh.

Getting Things Done. Awesome!

- It's all about finding ways

to make yourself more efficient.

Life hacking, baby.

This morning, I brushed my teeth in the shower.

Saved myself 90 seconds.

Which I just used to explain this to you.

Damn it.

Since Andy promoted me to assistant regional manager,

I've been trying to step my game up.

You know, be more productive.

In fact, you know what?

Let's knock out a few more of these sound bites

while we're here.

Whoa, that person has really

gotten him--or herself-- into quite a predicament.

[sighs]

[laughs]

Toby, will he ever learn?

Andy, Andy, Andy.

I can't believe Kevin swallowed a pen.

I can't believe Kevin swallowed another pen.

- S'il vous pla�t...

dites-moi...

[nonsensical mispronounced French]

- Ah, French.

It's a great language.

If you're a chain-smoking acrobat.

- I'm just trying to fit in better with Andy's family.

They all speak more than one language.

Usually when I'm there.

- You want to learn a really impressive second language?

Try Dothraki.

Win over any man in my guild.

Dothraki is the native tongue of the nomadic,

war-mongering horse lords of Essos, as featured

in the superb Home Box Office series Game of Thrones.

It has a lot of nudity.

Which I fast-forward through

to get to the chopped-off heads.

I could teach you if you want. It's a lot easier than French.

- Yeah. Let's do it.

- Athdavrazar! - Oh--

- It means "excellent."

And we have begun.

- [choking] - Oscar. Oscar!

Oscar!

Ugh.

- [exhales heavily] Thanks.

Totally my fault.

- What are you doing?

- What?

[tapping on desk]

- Is everything okay?

- Hmm?

Oh-- oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, fine.

Fine, fine, fine.

I mean, I d-- I just don't want to burden you

with my massive stress freak-outs.

- Great.

- It's just that I am taking my driver's license test

in two days, and I need to practice

with an experienced driver in the car.

But I've had no time to do that,

thanks to "Demandy."

Andy has a desperate need to be popular.

I made him look ridiculous once,

and he has been punishing me ever since

with crap assignments.

For example, he has asked me for 75 ways

to make a hat using a sheet of Dunder Mifflin paper.

So far, I have come up with this

and this.

I defy you to think of another.

I just want to hit the open road

and drive, man, but...

in whose car?

- Nellie!

Get your wrinkly old balls in here.

- [sighs]

- Nellie, I could practice with you in my car at lunchtime.

- Oh, Pam, thank you.

You are my savior.

[giggling]

- Oh, my God! - Ohh!

[giggling]

- I'm sorry I'm leaving you alone for lunch.

- Don't worry about it.

I have a thing.

A thing of soup.

Which I've been wanting to try.

- This is my research

into how we might produce child-proof paper

that doesn't give you paper cuts.

We can't.

And here is a printout of your genealogy

from thisisyourfamilytree.com.

Executive-summary me. Hit the highlights.

- Well, it turns out,

you are a distant blood relative

of Michelle Obama.

- As in-- - Wife of Barack,

loves gardening, wants to wipe out fat children.

- Wow.

This is super-flattering.

She's the most popular person in America.

This is a big day for both of us.

My fellow Americans,

I come bearing news of my "Nard-cestors."

I have a feeling my approval rating

is about to go through the roof.

Turns out, I am related to Michelle Obama.

- I was intimidated by Andy's family before.

And now I have to see the first lady at holidays?

She's gonna be like,

"What's your stance on politics?"

Or, "What is the best war to do?"

And I will just be like,

"Duh."

- I finally get why my arms are so toned, you know?

Right? Check it out.

Somebody come slap my hang-down.

- What is that?

- Oh, it's the part of my guns that hangs below my arm.

Slap it. Won't move.

- It's moving. - Ow.

You know, in 2008 when America

elected its first Black president,

I was so moved, and I was like, what is this about?

And now I get it.

- Hey, Andy, you know what?

My parents are gonna be in D.C. next month for a wedding.

Can you call ahead and get the Lincoln Bedroom?

- Okay, slow down there, Turbo.

I literally just found out.

I mean, I'll see what I can do. It's likely.

But they should probably get a hotel reservation as a backup.

- Okay.

- Like Andy needs yet another thing to show off about.

It's a Prius.

We get it.

It's good for the environing.

- The Eisenhower inauguration.

There I am, ah, right there, that white dot.

Oh, I guess I wasn't there.

- All right!

We gotta get rid of all this junk food.

Get fit, America!

Not sure if the buzz has reached the annex yet, but, uh,

I'm related to Michelle Obama.

[applause]

- Yeah, we noticed early on

Andy really appreciates enthusiasm.

- So we decided the best way to get ahead here

is to be his cheerleaders.

Ohh!

[applause]

It's starting to have this reverse effect, though,

where I really do think the stuff he does is awesome.

- Yeah, me too. It's weird.

Hard to remember what's real at this point.

- Just clap through it, man.

- You're logging sales at ten different times.

If you log 'em all at once, you save a lot of time.

It's called batching.

- This is really good, Darryl.

- Life hacking, man.

- There he is!

- Andy, you gotta check this out.

He just-- - [tutting]

Right now, I need canned tuna, okay?

Darryl, guess which talented individual

who also has a killer singing voice

is related to the first lady.

- Tracee Ellis Ross.

Daughter of the first lady of Motown, Diana Ross.

- It's me! [chuckles]

I'm related to Michelle Obama.

- What? Really?

- I mean, it's distant, but--

- [chuckles] That's cool, man.

- Right?

Darryl said, "Cool, man."

He called me a cool man.

- You know, I really do think

it would be worth it to pull over

and just take ten minutes to eat.

- Mm-- the thing is, Pam,

I'm gonna be eating while I'm driving,

so I might as well get good at it.

- Brake lights. Brake lights, brake lights, brake lights!

[tires squealing] - Whoo!

Mm! [chuckles]

Aren't you gonna eat?

- I'm good.

- I'm just saying, what does it imply in this country

when a white person shares an ancestor with a Black person?

- You think that Andy's family owned slaves?

- Well, somebody owned somebody.

And I don't think anybody would buy an Andy.

- "Dear Michelle, how are you? I am fine.

"My name is Andrew Bernard,

"and I recently discovered that we are related.

"I want you to know that the rest of the family

"is so proud of you for all that you have achieved.

"As for me, I am currently branch manager

"of a very exciting and dynamic paper company.

"Yes, you guessed it, the famous Dunder Mifflin.

"If you'd like to meet, I can come to DC any Saturday

"except October 20th due to a previous commitment.

Hope"--and I wrote that in all caps--

"to see you soon.

"But again, not on the 20th.

Love, Andy Bernard."

- I throat-rip.

- Foth aggendak.

- You throat-rip.

- Foth aggendi.

- He-she-it throat-rips.

- Foth aggenda.

- More of a barbaric growl.

- [growling] Foth aggenda.

- Louder. You're shouting it from the back of a horse.

- Foth aggenda!

It is such a passionate language.

A lot more shouting and spitting than French.

But if Andy and I ever rent a place on the Dothraki coast,

I won't stick out as a tourist.

- Pretty crazy about Andy and Michelle Obama, huh?

- [laughing] Yeah.

It's almost unbelievable.

- What?

- Well, do you know how Andy has been

really salting my onions lately?

- Sure.

- Well, when he asked me to look up his ancestry online,

I remembered that news story about Michelle Obama

having white relatives, and I just knew

he would eat that up.

- So he's not related to Michelle Obama?

- Pam,

I barely know how to turn on my computer.

- [gasps]

Nellie's pretty fearless.

And I think she might be maybe even almost sort of fun.

- [whispering] Pam!

- [laughs]

- Well, if there's another explanation,

I don't really see what it could possibly be.

I--

- What's going on here?

I'm related to the first lady, okay?

Get over it. [laughs]

I still need weekly status reports from most of you.

So can we get back to work, please?

Get back to work.

[mimicking whip cracking]

- [mimicking whip cracking]

- Andy-- - [mimics whip cracking]

- Andy, no!

I would be very polite today.

- Why, is it Employees' Day or something?

I cannot keep track of these BS holidays.

- Your connection to Michelle Obama

has certain... negative connotations.

Most likely, your family were...

slave owners.

- Does anyone else think it's possible

that I come from slave owners?

- Whoa, that person has really

gotten him--or herself-- into quite a predicament.

- Hey, Mom, it's Andy.

Give me a call when you get a chance.

Got a quick question for you.

Uh, no big deal, just about America's national shame.

Thanks, bye.

Where were we?

Uh--yes, okay.

Your... productivity thing.

- Yes, yes, yes. - Great.

Ooh, spreadsheets. Yum, yum.

- I included some time-saving ideas.

- Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

Look, I'm not gonna lie to you.

I'm a teensy bit distracted right now.

- Look, Andy, even if your ancestors

did own slaves, it wouldn't be your fault.

This is only weird if you make it weird.

- [snaps fingers] Right on, brother.

Word dat. - Mm.

- Oscar, is that a Paul Smith tie?

The senator loves them.

- Oh, does he? - Yeah.

They're really expensive.

- Really?

Well, this was a gift,

uh, from my...

wealthy aunt...

Doubtfire--uh.

- Mm-hmm.

- Ador! - Daras.

- Qazer! - Daras.

Does anyone here have fermented mare's milk?

- Hey, Erin.

- Atchomar chomakaan!

- Oh, okay.

Sorry.

Akat vindelat naqis.

Literally "small double stab."

- How do you say, "Shut the hell up.

I'm on a sales call"?

- Oh, pop quiz.

Dothraki word for "shirt."

- Oh, um--

- Trick question. There isn't one.

They don't wear shirts. Oh, God!

Why are you always soaking wet?

- It's normal.

- Ah.

Jadro govak.

- Does that mean "Jim"?

No, it means...

[laughter] - What? Ew!

You're gonna have to bleep that.

- Ribbit, ribbit. - Oh!

- [grunting]

Ribbit, ribbit. - Oh! [laughs]

- Jadro govak. [laughter]

- Oh, still, it must be great to have something else

going on outside of work.

- Yeah-- turn signal.

It's exciting to be painting again--

those are the wipers.

So the-- it's just--

there you go, yeah.

[chuckles]

Yeah, things get so busy with the kids--

red light--that it's nice to have that creative outlet--

red light, red light, red, red--

[tires screeching]

- That is brilliant, Pam.

I'd love to see some of your work.

- Well, since we're stopped at a light,

uh, here is...

the mural I did for Angela's baby.

- That is amazing, Pam.

Oh, I love the lion in the tuxedo.

- Angela insisted that all the animals be fully clothed.

- Oh, yeah.

- Hey, y'all.

You think you could turn in those status reports

by 4:00, preferably?

Or whenever?

- I'll take whenever.

- Ah. [laughs]

That's my old peer Stanley.

You keep up the hard work that we're...

paying you a decent wage for.

- Andy...

remember what we said about making it weird?

- Yes, I do. - You're making it weird.

- Yes, I am.

[inhales deeply]

[whispering] Where's my mom?

Hey, has anyone turned in their status reports up here?

- Vos.

- So no?

- No.

- Do you think maybe you could remind people?

I'm trying to downplay the whole bossy-boss thing today.

- Because of your slaves. Yeah.

- Not my slaves, my ancestors'.

Maybe. Probably not.

- Well, if it makes you feel any better,

the Dothraki word for "slave master,"

azzafrok, is a term of respect.

I'm learning how to speak Dothraki.

Color you impressed?

- That you're learning a made-up language

from HBO's Game of Thrones?

I have a lot going on today,

but this was a great nerd-out.

- Dwight, you didn't tell me you were teaching me

a fake language.

- People laughed at Klingon at first,

and now you can major in it.

- Now Andy thinks I'm a loser,

I can only imagine what he's going to tell

his a cappella buddies at their next Skype and Sing.

[indistinct chatter]

- Hi, guys.

- Hey, boss. I am so thirsty.

Can I have a scoop of water?

- Yeah. You don't have to ask me.

[stifled laughter]

Ha-ha. Okay, great.

Very funny. I get it.

Just because my ancestors happened to be--

[cell phone ringtone playing Dixie]

[all clapping rhythmically]

? ?

Very funny, Kevin changed my ringtone.

Very funny.

I liked the original song on my ringtone,

which, you may remember,

was Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes by Paul Simon,

featuring Ladysmith African American Mambazo.

I'm having the worst day ever.

Thanks a lot, slavery.

Why does this stuff always happen to me?

- So unfair.

Upside to the new job:

I've got some new hobbies, like boxing.

I'll just go at the heavy bag for hours.

Sometimes they gotta pull me off.

- Good. Very good. [cell phone beeping]

Oh, no.

Here, it's, uh, a text from Andy.

"New special proj. Need fam tree for evbody.

"Really dig up dirt. A.S.A.P."

And then in parentheses,

he wrote out, "as soon as possible."

- Mm.

Ugh, looks like it's pretendy time again.

Write back,

"Looking for dirt."

- Oh, can I help?

We could say someone is related to, um,

Tonya Harding.

- Pam, I'm related to Tonya Harding.

- Oh, gee, I'm--

- No, I'm just practicing my lying.

[whispering] I love it. - Brilliant.

- What should we say about Jim?

- Um--oh, I'll say he's related to Richard Nixon.

It's an inside joke.

He looks really Nixony when he wakes up.

- My ex behaved like Nixon.

All of the lying, none of the sexual charisma.

I just made a joke then.

- I'm sorry.

It's just, um,

I actually do have this weird feeling

that there's something Jim isn't telling me.

- Oh, no.

Oh, an affair.

It is always an affair.

- Jim? No.

- [sighs] How can you be sure?

- Because he just loves me too much.

- You're a cocky little thing, aren't you, Pam?

- [laughs]

[door clicks open]

- Hey, everyone, I'd like to invite you all

to a meeting in the conference room.

Nothing too serious, super casual.

In fact, I don't even want to call it a meeting.

Let's call it a hangout sesh.

Not that casual, Meredith.

- Really?

- I thought I would begin by re-announcing

the promotion I made a couple of weeks ago.

Still holding the esteemed position

of assistant regional manager and--fascinating side note--

the first-ever African American to ever hold this post,

the amazing Darryl Philbin.

[applause]

- Is any new business gonna be discussed at this meeting?

- Yes, actually, there is.

I've done a little genealogy research of my own.

Turns out, I'm not the only one with a few skeletons

in the ol' family closet.

For example,

Phyllis' great-great-grandmother

was responsible for spreading cholera to the United States.

- Ew.

- Kevin is related to both John Wayne Gacy

and John Wayne Bobbitt.

- And John Wayne?

- No. Not that I see here.

- Wayne Johnson? The Rock?

- You mean Dwayne, and no.

But Toby's got some entertainers in the family--

a whole sideshow's worth, it turns out--

including a pinhead, a giantess,

two bearded ladies, and a duck boy.

- [sighs]

A lot of conditions like that

could be treated with modern medicine.

What about Jim Halpert? Uh-oh.

Turns out, distant relative of the reviled

Richard Nixon.

- Pam always says I look like Nixon.

That's crazy, right?

I mean, there's nothing there.

Tru--

Oh, no.

- Creed's great-grandfather once held up a saloon.

- No, that was me, Disney Frontierland, 1992.

- Dwight's grandfather was--

- Was a member of the Bund,

which is not technically the same thing

as the Nazi Party.

So-- [clears throat]

- I was gonna say he was a tax evader.

- Oh.

I was joking about that whole Bund thing.

Oh-ho, the look on your faces.

[laughs]

- And Meredith is a blood relative

of Lizzie Borden.

- Cool.

[mimics Psycho stabbing sound effect]

- Stop it! Stop it. You're frightening me.

- Andy, did you call this meeting

just to talk junk about our families?

- Yeah, that--you're being really mean.

- No, I'm proving a point, okay?

We all have ancestors who may have done

horrible things in the past.

But it's in the past, and it's not our fault.

So we don't have to talk about it.

- The difference is, Andy, that you're the only one here

still benefitting from the terrible things

your ancestors did.

- Might have done, and how do you figure?

- Your family's rich.

I have to believe that a big part

of the Bernard fortune was earned on the backs of slaves.

- You know, there's nothing wrong

with being successful in America, Oscar.

I'm not gonna apologize for my family's wealth.

That wealth could one day benefit society,

if capital gains are ever taxed

at the same rate as earned income.

- Andy, maybe we should-- - No, no.

You know what? I don't see money.

If you were to ask me who's the richest person in this office,

I'd be like, gee, I don't know, Erin?

Even though she's obviously the poorest.

- What? You're poorer than me?

[laughs] - Yeah.

- All right.

[cell phone ringtone playing Dixie]

- Okay, Kevin did that.

I do not wish I was in Dixie.

Hey, Mom. How are you?

Did any Bernards ever own

a plantation in the South?

She said no. Take that!

Follow-up question, did any Bernards

ever make money in an unsavory way?

[softly] I just asked you--

why didn't you just say that?

Okay, stop, stop.

Stop talking. Stop talking.

That's--no. I don't want to know that.

Okay, you're interrupting a meeting.

I have to go.

Love you. Bye.

Well, turns out, the Bernards of yore did not own slaves.

- Really?

- We merely transported them.

Which, at worst, makes us amoral middlemen.

[applause]

- [speaking Dothraki]

- Yo, D-dog, I need your help.

I'm trying to think of things I can say that make it sound

like I had a more difficult childhood than I actually had.

- You gonna po' mouth.

- Exactly. Help me po' mouth, Darryl.

- Actually, Andy, you promised me five minutes

to talk about productivity suggestions--

- What if I said that my dad beat me

and I just left out the croquet of it all?

Or I could just go all the way

and say I grew up in an apartment.

Or is that too crazy?

- That could work.

Let's see.

I saved 90 seconds brushing my teeth in the shower,

another 10 seconds putting my shoes and coat

next to the door.

I'm checking email less,

so that's gotta be at least another 3 minutes.

But I lost 4 hours of Andy

feeling weird about his ancestors.

So in summary, I have no actual control of my life.

- You know, Darryl, this is textbook

assistant regional manager stuff here,

and I feel like I'm doing all the heavy lifting.

I'm coming up with all the ideas here.

- I'm going for a walk.

- Okay.

- Good...

good, and--

[car thuds]

- You doing all right, man?

- I'm done.

I gotta get out of here.

- Yeah.

Not the easiest day to be assistant regional manager.

- It's not just today. It's every day.

Seems like the better title I have,

the stupider my job gets.

- Aw, come on, it can always get better, right?

- Hmm. Yeah, right.

- No, I'm serious.

There's always something better.

- Like what?

- Like, hypothetically,

if I said that there was another job

that you and I could both have.

- What kind of job?

- Something cool, like sports marketing or--

Does that sound like something you'd be into?

- Hell yeah. - Right?

- That sounds awesome. - Okay, but wait.

What if I told you that it was in Philly?

So you'd have to-- - I love Philly.

- Right?

- It's not even a thought-- - Not even a thought.

It's not even that far away. I could still commute--exactly.

Exactly.

All right.

- What? Wait, wait, wait. So, what, is this happening?

- Oh, it's happening.

Let's just keep it between you and me

for right now, all right? - Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, for sure, for sure, for sure.

Man. And Pam's into it?

- We gotta have a talk about it,

but I think that she's--

I think she understands...

- Aw, come on, man. - What this is.

- Thought you had something real.

- What? No, no, no.

Come on. This is real.

- It's not real

until your wife is on board.

- Yes, Pam and I did decide together

that I would not take the job, so...

thank you, Brian, for reminding me.

- So what did you want to show me?

- That is quite an ugly wall, isn't it?

- Yeah. It's really ugly.

- Needs something, doesn't it?

I'm thinking a mural.

- You mean me?

- Yes, you. You are so talented.

It's going to be my next special project.

Hiring Scranton's most dangerous young muralist

to paint the warehouse wall.

- Oh, my God, I love it!

Uh, Nellie, this is brilliant!

Hey! - Hey.

Can I talk to you for a second?

- Anything you have to say to her,

you can say to me.

She never loved you.

- What? No, I--I got this.

[giggling] Okay.

- [softly] Okay. This is his fault.

It is not your fault.

I am gonna find you someone better... and rich.

And Filipino.

But we'll break that to her later.

You know what this is all about?

- Yeah.

You too, huh? - Yeah.

Go on, spill it.

Tell her all the gory details, you snake.

- Hey.

He deserves this.

And he said I could get in on it too.

[whispering] Yeah.

[sighs] - Oh, Pam, no.

Oh, I can't bear to watch this.

- I don't know what I was so worried about.

I have the best wife in the world.

- I still can't believe he didn't tell me.

- I'm sure he'll understand.

Darryl's your friend.

- Yeah, it's just...[sighs]

We're from such different backgrounds.

And I don't know if you can ever get past that.

- Are you kidding me?

Oh, you totally can.

[sighs]

This is gonna sound stupid, but...

there's a saying from the Dothraki book of proverbs,

and it goes like this:

"Wolves and horses live different lives,

"but if you stew them long enough,

they taste the same," so...

- Wolves and horses. - Mm-hmm.

- Hmm.

I guess we do taste the same.

Right?

- Dothraki isn't the most useful language to speak,

but you really study it for the literature.

- I was helping Nellie drive--

- Do not care.

- Fonas chek!

- Dothras chek!

[giggles]

- I like that guy.

We should hook him up with Meredith.

- Hmm.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0