Original subtitles

- The building's custodian is on vacation for the month,

and Dwight is too cheap to hire a replacement.

So instead, we're living in filth,

But not for long, because I have created...

the chore wheel.

- Ho-ho, yeah. Can I spin first?

- Well, it doesn't spin.

We'll just move the wheel one notch each morning,

and you see what chore you get that day.

- A wheel is supposed to spin.

- Yeah, you know, like...

[imitates spinner clicking]

- No, I'm familiar with spinning.

It's just that wouldn't work with the chore wheel

because people might get the same chore.

- Yuck. Boring. All she talks about is chores.

- A wheel wants to spin, Pam.

- Spinning would be more fun.

- [exhales] Okay.

- Okay, that's what I'm talkin' about.

[cheers and applause]

- Spinning! - Big money, big money.

- Oh!

- Yeah!

- Mug duty?

- Yes. You clean all the mugs in the sink.

- This sucks.

- Yeah, seriously.

It's like everything on there's work.

- I don't think you guys understand

why we're doing this.

It's-- - Yeah.

And I don't think that you understand wheels.

- [sighs]

- I've been through

several rounds of development with the team,

and here's where we stand with the chore wheel.

We've got prizes.

Ten bucks, candy bar,

manager for an hour. - Whee!

- But there are also penalties

like no internet, Stanley gets your lunch.

The one thing that is not on the chore wheel is chores,

but they were right.

It's more fun this way.

all: Oh!

[cheers and applause]

- Tiny wheel!

all: Tiny wheel! Tiny wheel! Tiny wheel!

- There it is! all: Tiny wheel!

- The tiny wheel actually does have chores.

It's so cute, no one seems to mind.

Toilets! - Aw.

[all cheer] - Tiny wheel.

[applause]

- [laughing] Tiny wheel. - Lucky!

Good choice. - Whoo!

[upbeat music]

? ?

- Pam, we gotta go!

Cece, go back inside.

Grandma's got breakfast, okay?

We are going to Roy's wedding.

Yep, Roy.

I think the only weird thing

about going to your wife's ex-fianc�e's wedding

on a weekday at 8 a.m.

is that it's your wife's ex-fianc�e.

- Thanks, Mom!

- Banana? - Yeah.

I'm afraid he's only gonna have hot dogs.

- Oh, come on.

Not even Roy will have hot dogs at his wedding.

- Planned a wedding with him. He wanted hot dogs.

- Just--it's still weird.

- Oh, Pete, you've got mail.

- Really? I got somethin'?

- Well, it's addressed to customer service,

so it's your mail.

- Well, you know, I'm also customer service.

- Yeah, I'm alternating.

- Yay.

Another person yellin' at me.

- Well, it could be a nice letter.

I write nice letters to companies all the time.

- That's really nice.

- Wow. "Newsweek," huh?

This election thing is crazy, right?

- It's open.

- Oh, yeah. I accidentally read it.

It's not a nice letter.

- Okay.

- Do you think she's quirky and likeable in bed?

It's a carry-over?

- [sighs] - [chuckles]

- Get excited.

The special projects fairy has arrived.

- I know you don't really exist.

- Today, I launch my big charity initiative,

Operation Giveback.

Andy has shot down all of my special projects thus far,

but this one is about charity

so I'd like to see him piss on that one.

[indistinct chatter]

- Darryl!

[laughs] What's happenin'? - Hey.

Congratulations, baby. Yeah. - Oh, thank you.

Hey, hey.

Coconut shrimp. [laughter]

I told you I'd have it.

- Yeah, you did.

- Mm-hmm. - Oh, you have arrived, sir.

- Well, thank you, thank you. - Well done, well done.

Roy and I used to work together downstairs in the warehouse.

He used to be engaged to Pam, but then she tossed him aside

like a cold-hearted bitch.

Is what I believed back then.

Now that I work upstairs with Pam,

I understand that A, the heart wants what it wants,

and B, Roy thinks dinner magically appears on the table.

Someone has to make that.

[birds singing]

- Is this his house? - Think so.

- Mimosa?

- I'm okay. - Thank you.

- Would you like me to take your peel?

- Yes, thank you.

[Pam sighs] - Okay.

[phone rings]

- Who's that?

- Uh, my ex-fianc�e.

- Ha-ha.

- I started a new business with my college friend,

but Pam doesn't know.

Um...

actually I--I did tell Pam, and we decided no.

But then I decided yes anyway,

so I'm thinking there's another conversation coming,

and it's hard to know when that will be.

- With Operation Giveback

you pick the charities Dunder Mifflin supports.

- Oh, boy.

What's happening?

- There's $4,000 to give away,

so who has filled out their forms?

Stanley?

- American Diabetes Association.

- Um... - Yeah.

- You have diabetes, Stanley.

I'm sorry, is the assignment to pick a selfish charity?

Like, does Oscar get to fund some gay Mexican thing?

- Las Feliz Maracas.

They do very important work for the homospanic community.

S�, podemos. [imitates maracas].

- I, uh, I would love to give--

- Heifers International.

Listen to this.

They give a poor person, like, a goat or something.

It's a great prank.

- I wanna work with, uh, Jimmy Carter

and help build gnomes.

- Dwight, what about you?

- I will not be participating,

as there is no evidence that charity works.

- Uh, correction.

I give to a foundation

that teaches homeless children nautical flag signaling.

Changes lives.

- Thank you, Andy.

- I'm not doing it for you, I'm doing it

for the preservation of nautical flag signaling.

- Dwight, you will be participating.

- No, thank you.

- Participation is mandatory, Dwight,

but you can choose whatever cause you like.

- Fine, I choose the Global Relief Foundation.

- Great.

Thank you-- - Which was recently discovered

to be a front for the Taliban!

- Oh, for goodness' sake, Dwight.

- Yeah. The Taliban in Af-a-ghanistan.

- The Taliban is the worst.

Great heroin, though.

- Making someone pick a charity by force is more un-American

than any militant movement that seeks to destroy our country.

- Really? Really, Dwight?

- Dwight, I cannot have the Taliban on the roster

of Operation Giveback.

- Well, then, it looks like

there won't be any Operation Giveback. [chuckles]

The nanny state is over, ladies and gentlemen.

You're welcome.

- Well, there are a lot of charities out there

for the charismatic animals-- your pandas, your polar bears.

You know, the big shots.

But what about the more inconspicuous creatures

like moths?

Someday, the moths are gonna surprise us all.

[indistinct chatter]

- There he is.

Is it almost time to cut the pancake, or what?

- Aw. [chuckles] Yeah.

We appreciate everyone coming so early.

Everyone's just been so nice.

- Thanks for inviting us, by the way.

That was--that was a surprise. - Are you kidding me?

- Come on.

If it wasn't for you, I never would've met Laura.

But seriously, could've dodged a bullet on that one.

Just kidding. - You're welcome.

- Thanks.

[Roy sighs]

- By the way, man, this place is beautiful.

- Started a gravel company.

I mean, who knew it would take off?

- Gravel company. - Yeah.

- What about you? - What are you doing?

- Not gravel, obviously. - [chuckles]

- Nah, things are good. Things are good.

Got some stuff in the works, so...

- Oh, cool. - Yeah, you never know.

- Hey, bro, stop wasting time with this haircut.

He's got a $50,000 sports car.

- Cheers. - Yeah. Okay, Kenny.

- We just love Laura.

I couldn't imagine a better daughter-in-law.

- It's great to see Roy so happy.

- Oh, he's the happiest he's ever been.

- How wonderful.

- Laura's really easy to get along with.

And she's loyal.

Which is what I think Roy needs.

- Oh.

- Nice to see you again, Pam.

- [chuckling] Yes.

- Be well.

- Duncan, listen, I would love to help you out,

but where am I gonna find somebody that's pretty,

smart, and well-informed, huh?

Hold on--hold on!

Erin, do you know anybody that might--

Oh, my gosh.

You love the news, right?

- Well, it depends.

I mean, sometimes I find out things that are really sad.

- Well, I got a buddy

that's a big-time local news producer,

and I can't tell you his name, but it'd blow your mind.

- Uh, is it Duncan?

- He's looking for on-air talent,

and he'd kill me if I didn't get you on tape.

- You mean put me on the news?

- You'll just come over, put on a little lipstick,

loosen up with a glass of red wine,

and then we'll just run through a few stories.

You know, couple different ways

with a couple different outfits.

It'd be really tasteful,

and it'd really help me out with Dunc--

with my friend.

What'd you say? Eh?

- No, maybe, okay? Let me think about it.

- Okay.

- Whoo.

- Think it over.

- Sure, the local news, touring company of "Wicked,"

lingerie football league.

Uh, "Guinness Book of World Records" for best orgasm.

Yeah, my friend Duncan is in charge of a lot of stuff.

- No, Clark's not my friend.

He is the douche that sits next to me at the office.

My friends are Scott, Glenn and Rob,

but you don't know them.

- I never really thought much

about being more than a receptionist, but why?

Because I happened to answer a help wanted ad

to be a receptionist?

I mean, what if the ad had been for a CEO

or for a brain surgeon?

- So, uh, it was a year ago today

that I met Laura.

I thought she was my waitress,

and, uh--[chuckles]

Took her three weeks to tell me

that she actually owned the place.

You are full of surprises.

You are my beautiful mystery girl,

and today, I have a surprise for you.

[clears throat]

- He plays piano?

- No.

Roy? No.

- You know how I said I was taking boxing lessons?

Actually, I was doing this.

Um, so I hope that you like it.

[clears throat]

- You got this, Roy. - Mm-hmm!

[Billy Joel's "She's Got A Way"]

- ? She's got a way about her ?

? ?

? Don't know what it is ?

? But I know that I can't live without her ?

? she's got a way-- ?

- We still surprise each other.

- Definitely.

- You know, I never did it, but for your 30th birthday,

I really wanted to surprise you.

- Courtside seats. Sixers.

- Yes.

But what I didn't tell you

is that I actually bought the tickets.

We only didn't go because it was--

- It was an away game. - In Phoenix.

They should really tell you that more specifically.

I mean, every game is an away game

for one of the teams.

Do we know everything about each other?

- No.

- Tell me one thing about you I don't know.

- [chuckles]

Um, okay.

- Now, what was your charity again?

Something about putting an antique steam engine

back on the tracks?

- Nice try.

It was the Taliban.

- Dwight, are you entirely clear

on what you are supporting?

- Nellie, are you entirely clear

on what you are undermining?

Freedom.

- Under the Taliban's sharia law, drinkers are whipped.

- [gasps softly]

- Thieves have a hand cut off.

- [gasps softly]

- And the punishment for losing your faith is death.

- If they leave your family alive,

it's not a real punishment.

- And the way they treat women, it's bizarre.

- Oh, that's a crime. That's terrible.

- Yeah.

- I feel horrible about that. - Mm.

Giving them free motorcycles.

- Wait, what?

- Yes, that's right.

Under Taliban rule, every woman

gets a new motorcycle every two years and a free service.

- Well, that's not fair.

- Tell it to the Taliban.

And they're first in line for the space program.

- Women can't be going into--

- [sighs] Welcome to the Taliban.

- That is really--

oh, well played.

I see what you're trying to do.

You're trying to get me mad at the Taliban.

Well, it won't work.

- Oh, here's one.

Did I ever tell you about the time

that my brothers videotaped the lottery announcement

and bought the winning numbers the next day,

and then played the tape for me the next week--

- And you thought you guys were millionaires.

- You heard that one.

- Yes, but there's--wait. Oh!

There's a funny ending to that story.

I can't remember.

- That I thought we were millionaires.

- That you thought you were millionaires.

- Yep. - That's funny.

Shoot, I knew that one! - That's all right.

- The senator and I still have mystery.

I'm always waiting to see

what he's gonna surprise me with next.

- [spits]

[Oscar coughs]

[Oscar groans]

[Oscar coughs]

- You all right?

- You support the Taliban abroad,

so I assume you're willing to live by their rules here.

- Anything else would be inconsistent.

- Will you join me then in a pledge

to live by Taliban law in this office?

- Absolutely, I will.

I feared Nellie had some sort of a plan,

but she used a ridiculous font.

[scoffs]

[bad British accent] You don't have a plan.

- When you use a ridiculous font,

no one thinks you have a plan.

Looking for this?

- What the-- - Mm, mm.

Oh, this is a lovely pen. [gasps softly]

And it's mine now because I stole it.

- Gimme that.

- Didn't you sign a contract to live under Taliban law?

And now there's been a theft.

That means you're not serious,

or someone's getting their hand cut off.

- You're insane.

- I know.

So it's better that you pick another charity.

- Oh, and let your precious Operation Power Grab

proceed unchecked?

No, thank you.

- In that case, you...

[metallic scrape]

Will have to chop off my hand.

- This cleaver appears to need sharpening.

I suggest you spend some quality time together,

just you and your hand.

Tie a shoe, toss a salad,

do any of the two-hand activities

that you'll miss the most.

- I tell you what. I need to make three calls.

And then after that, you can become a person

who chops off people's hands.

- Sounds like a plan.

- Clark wants to film you in different outfits

inside his apartment?

- Yeah.

- Clark, you and I need to have a little chat.

What clothes does Erin need for this news audition?

- Uh, a couple of button-downs,

a camisole, a blazer, a pencil skirt,

stilettos, maybe a-- - All right.

- No, no, not maybe, definitely open-toed.

Uh, something low-cut, because the camera

makes everything seem higher-cut.

- Really? - Yeah, industry secret.

You're gonna want some of those pantyhose

with the seam up the back.

- Seems unnecessary for an audition.

- And then, you know, maybe just a robe to wear

in between takes, but I probably got one

that she could borrow at my place, so--

- Thank God someone here knows what they're talkin' about.

I want you to take this credit card.

Take Erin to the mall and get that stuff.

- I absolutely will do that.

- Dating a news anchor is, like, my fantasy.

I've often wished I was a girl

so I could date Anderson Cooper.

[chuckles]

Awesome.

Plop.

- [sputters]

Guess I'll just head over to the mall then.

Buy Erin some-- some sexy, fun outfits.

- Maybe there are bigger things out there for me

than receptionist.

And I owe it all to Clark,

who I thought at first was a little sleazy,

but I now realize is just one of those people

who stares at your chest to know what's in your heart.

His words, not mine.

- That Clark, huh?

[growls]

[mimics explosion]

- Next question for our oldyweds.

- What is the craziest place you ever made whoopee?

- Language.

- Who was Pam's first celebrity crush?

- Oh, this is good, okay. - Pam's first celebrity crush.

- [whispering] John Stamos.

- Ready? - Uh-huh.

- John Stamos. - Oh, yes!

- But John Stamos was temporary.

I quickly moved on to Johnny-- - Johnny Depp.

- Depp.

[chuckles softly]

Uh, um,

I was having a separate conversation with, um, Kevin?

Uh, Johnny Depp.

- Totally. George Clooney. [phone rings]

- Mm-hmm.

- Okay, I'll have one. I have one.

[overlapping chatter]

- Where is the craziest place you ever made whoopee?

- Hey.

- Kevin, stop it with that question.

- Right?

And did you show them the market--yeah.

And what'd they say?

That's awesome. [chuckles]

That--oh, my God. Wow.

It's not even real yet.

And I'm not gonna tell her until it's real.

[overlapping chatter]

- I think maybe there actually

is something I don't know about Jim.

- Go ahead.

- Everyone, we have a voluntary meeting

in the conference room to discuss Erin's confidence.

- Her body. We're gonna talk about her body.

Good. Great job.

- Andy made me his consigliere,

which means assistant regional manager.

I guess he thought I'd be into "The Godfather"

because I'm Black.

Wrong!

I'm into "The Godfather" 'cause I'm a cinephile.

I like "Scarface" 'cause I'm Black.

- Erin has an audition to be a newscaster.

- Wow! - Whoo!

- Uh-huh. - Congratulations!

- And I want her to feel very comfortable

in her very sexy skin,

so everybody say something that you like about her body,

All right? I'll go first.

Darryl.

- I thought you were gonna go first.

- I just went first by calling on you.

- Okay, um...

I like Erin's hair.

It's a very pretty color.

- Yeah, right?

Nice shoulders, incredible posture.

Look at these hips.

Who likes these hips? Raise your hand.

- I'm sorry. This is for a news audition?

- Yeah.

- Then why are we talking about her looks?

Why not her credibility or her reliability?

- They don't exist anymore, Oscar.

Not since Mary Hart left "Entertainment Tonight."

- News flash, everyone-- the human race

finds attractive people more trustworthy.

- So sorry, Andy, but for 20 years,

the most trusted man in America?

Walter Cronkite.

- Cronkite was hot.

If I could go back in time, I'd take that moustache ride.

- Does Erin have any experience?

Has she taken any journalism classes, maybe?

- Has she done the pageant circuit?

- No, I watch the news. - She's gonna be amazing.

Look at her. She's gonna light up the screen.

- Does she even want to do it?

- Of course she wants to do it.

She answers phones.

- Oh, that's not fair, Angela.

Some people don't aspire for anything higher

and that's just fine for her. - That's true.

- Hey.

- Well, if-- - Hey, over here.

Yes.

I want to do it.

I really want to do it.

I know that you guys have probably been offered

news anchor jobs every week of your lives,

but this is a first for me,

and I don't get a lot of chances,

so I have to take them really seriously.

I will do whatever it takes to get the job.

- Whatever it takes.

- Yeah, I know, I heard.

[Dwight shouts]

- But I'm really bad at public speaking.

- Don't think of it as public speaking.

Think of it as music.

The news is music.

You sing it.

[Andy babbling indistinctly in newscaster rhythm]

[Erin babbling indistinctly in newscaster rhythm]

[both babbling indistinctly in newscaster rhythm]

- Good, good, good.

[Erin babbling indistinctly in newscaster rhythm]

- Good, good.

Okay, now pause and bring it home.

Big finish.

[Erin babbling indistinctly in newscaster rhythm]

- Wow.

Thank you for that news.

That was some very important information you just told me.

[Erin scats in newscaster rhythm]

- You're welcome.

[metallic scrape]

- This is it.

Wanna give your hand one last round of applause?

Any questions?

- Is it gonna be long?

- No, it's gonna be over before you know it.

- Mm-hmm.

- Afghan president Hamid Karzai declared a new policy

of Dollar Days throughout the country,

promising low, low prices

on all 2012 Kia Sentras and Sonatas.

"Aren't you glad you waited?" Karzai commented.

- Um, where did you get that story?

- A little bit here, a little bit there.

I bet you didn't think I knew current events.

- I love it. It's fantastic.

Now tag it with your name.

- [sighs]

For Channel 11 news, I'm Erin Hannon.

- Pause after news.

- For Channel 11 news...

I'm Erin Hannon.

- No, pause longer.

- That was a good one.

- Pause--pause--pause longer.

Okay? Build suspense.

Don't be shy. - Got it. [clears throat]

For Channel 11 news...

- What, it's--

- I'm Erin Hannon. - Okay, all right.

Great.

Some great stuff in there.

- So she's coming over at 11

because I told her it's for the 11:00 news.

I mean, you think I can get her in the shower

for reporting in the rain? [chuckles]

[Clark laughs]

Oh, come on. I'm kidding.

- I don't know. [inhales deeply]

I don't know.

I feel like you would also say you're kidding

when you're most not kidding.

- Yeah, sometimes I don't know myself.

- Right.

- I can feel you looking at me.

- Okay, well here's something you don't know.

[Pam takes deep breath]

A couple of weeks ago... - Mm-hmm.

- I ran into this guy from my high school

who has just gotten divorced.

And he hit on me in the mall.

And I didn't tell you because--

I don't know, I felt embarrassed

and I didn't know if you'd be mad or worried.

But anyway, I thought you'd wanna know.

- That didn't happen.

You would've told me right away.

- Yeah, I would've. - [chuckles]

- What about you?

Come on, there's gotta be something.

Between your birth and the last two days,

something you just haven't had the chance to tell me.

- Uh...

- Just tell me.

- God, give it up, Beesly. You know me too well.

[Dwight grunts]

[Dwight grunts]

[Dwight grunts]

- Hey.

You okay?

- Yeah, I'm fine. Good.

- [chuckling] Yeah?

- Oh, it's nothing. I just-- allergies.

- Pam has allergies.

That's something I did not know about her.

[sighs softly]

- Hey. - Hmm?

- Um, I knew something bothered me,

and I finally figured it out.

What news producers are gonna wanna see is how Erin relates

to the other people on the news team.

- Oh.

- The weird thing is Erin is doing the audition alone.

- Oh, God.

- Now, I'd say Clark could be your co-host.

He's already doing camera. - [scoffs]

- Somebody who's already got rapport with Erin, maybe.

I don't know.

[Dwight grunts]

- Hey, this is for real this time.

- Mm-hmm.

[Dwight grunts]

- It's gettin' late.

Thought you guys could use a little inspiration.

[Fox fanfare playing]

- Oh, a movie.

What is this? - "127 Hours."

It's about this guy who-- - No, no, no, no.

No spoilers. Please.

- My bad, my bad-- - No.

- You're right, okay.

Good night. [Nellie sighs]

- For the record, I like knowing everything about you.

It's nice. - Totally agree.

We know each other inside and out.

No surprises.

[phone buzzing]

- We got the funding.

So...

now--now it's real.

[knock on door]

- Hey! - [chuckling] Hey.

- Everybody. - Yeah.

- Come in. - All right.

- Come on in. - [gasps] Wow!

- Thanks. What are you doing here?

- [sighs] Sorry, man.

Andy thought Erin need a co-anchor.

I'm his makeup guy. My hands are tied.

- [groans]

- The victim was released from the hospital

with second-degree burns.

- Wow. You know what they say, Erin

If you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen.

- Well, he tried to, but the fire door was blocked.

- He sure did. [chuckles] - All right.

We got that. That's a rap everybody.

- [sighs] - It's just--you sure, Clark?

- Yep, she's done.

- No, I just-- I don't mean Erin.

I mean for me. I didn't feel good about that.

- No, no, we got it. We got it.

- Great! Let's get some food. I'm starving.

- I don't think we did get it.

I could do a couple more takes. We could do it in close-up.

That might even be better for editing.

- Okay, I don't.

- All right.

- I'm hungry.

- Uh, Pete, you wanna take Erin to get a burger or something?

- Yeah, whatever you say, boss. - Okay.

I'll call you later. - Okay.

- Okay. - Great job.

- [clears throat] So this is a single.

- Hey, even this doesn't work out for me,

I'm just glad I had the guts to do it.

And maybe it'll work out for Andy.

- Oh, that is absolutely revolting!

- Oh, yeah. - He is so good, though.

- Yes.

- The way he just cuts off his arm.

- If you like James Franco, we really should watch

"Rise of the Planet of the Apes."

- Well, he's a genius, you know?

He was in graduate programs at Yale, Columbia and NYU

all at the same time. - Whoop-de-doo.

That doesn't make you a genius.

- Well, it doesn't make you stupid.

- Oh, yeah, it does.

Actually, it makes you real stupid.

- Oh, stupid like you. - No, like you.

- Like you. - You're the stupid one.

both: you're the stupid one.

- You, you, you, you, you-- - You're the stupid one.

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