All language subtitles for The Office Superfan s09e02 Roys Wedding.eng

- The building's custodian
is on vacation for the month,

and Dwight is too cheap
to hire a replacement.

So instead,
we're living in filth,

But not for long,
because I have created...

the chore wheel.

- Ho-ho, yeah.
Can I spin first?

- Well, it doesn't spin.

We'll just move the wheel
one notch each morning,

and you see what chore
you get that day.

- A wheel
is supposed to spin.

- Yeah, you know, like...

[imitates spinner clicking]

- No, I'm familiar
with spinning.

It's just that wouldn't work
with the chore wheel

because people might get
the same chore.

- Yuck. Boring.
All she talks about is chores.

- A wheel wants to spin, Pam.

- Spinning would
be more fun.

- [exhales] Okay.

- Okay, that's what
I'm talkin' about.

[cheers and applause]

- Spinning!
- Big money, big money.

- Oh!

- Yeah!

- Mug duty?

- Yes. You clean all the mugs
in the sink.

- This sucks.

- Yeah, seriously.

It's like everything
on there's work.

- I don't think
you guys understand

why we're doing this.

It's--
- Yeah.

And I don't think that
you understand wheels.

- [sighs]

- I've been through

several rounds of development
with the team,

and here's where we stand
with the chore wheel.

We've got prizes.

Ten bucks, candy bar,

manager for an hour.
- Whee!

- But there are
also penalties

like no internet,
Stanley gets your lunch.

The one thing that is not
on the chore wheel is chores,

but they were right.

It's more fun
this way.

all: Oh!

[cheers and applause]

- Tiny wheel!

all: Tiny wheel!
Tiny wheel! Tiny wheel!

- There it is!
all: Tiny wheel!

- The tiny wheel
actually does have chores.

It's so cute,
no one seems to mind.

Toilets!
- Aw.

[all cheer]
- Tiny wheel.

[applause]

- [laughing] Tiny wheel.
- Lucky!

Good choice.
- Whoo!

[upbeat music]

? ?

- Pam, we gotta go!

Cece, go back inside.

Grandma's got breakfast, okay?

We are going to Roy's wedding.

Yep, Roy.

I think the only weird thing

about going to your wife's
ex-fianc�e's wedding

on a weekday at 8 a.m.

is that it's
your wife's ex-fianc�e.

- Thanks, Mom!

- Banana?
- Yeah.

I'm afraid
he's only gonna have hot dogs.

- Oh, come on.

Not even Roy will have
hot dogs at his wedding.

- Planned a wedding with him.
He wanted hot dogs.

- Just--it's still weird.

- Oh, Pete,
you've got mail.

- Really?
I got somethin'?

- Well, it's addressed
to customer service,

so it's your mail.

- Well, you know,
I'm also customer service.

- Yeah, I'm alternating.

- Yay.

Another person
yellin' at me.

- Well, it could be
a nice letter.

I write nice letters
to companies all the time.

- That's really nice.

- Wow. "Newsweek," huh?

This election thing
is crazy, right?

- It's open.

- Oh, yeah.
I accidentally read it.

It's not a nice letter.

- Okay.

- Do you think she's quirky
and likeable in bed?

It's a carry-over?

- [sighs]
- [chuckles]

- Get excited.

The special projects fairy
has arrived.

- I know
you don't really exist.

- Today, I launch
my big charity initiative,

Operation Giveback.

Andy has shot down all of
my special projects thus far,

but this one
is about charity

so I'd like to see him
piss on that one.

[indistinct chatter]

- Darryl!

[laughs] What's happenin'?
- Hey.

Congratulations, baby. Yeah.
- Oh, thank you.

Hey, hey.

Coconut shrimp.
[laughter]

I told you I'd have it.

- Yeah, you did.

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, you have arrived, sir.

- Well, thank you, thank you.
- Well done, well done.

Roy and I used to work together
downstairs in the warehouse.

He used to be engaged to Pam,
but then she tossed him aside

like a cold-hearted bitch.

Is what I believed back then.

Now that I work upstairs
with Pam,

I understand that A,
the heart wants what it wants,

and B, Roy thinks dinner
magically appears on the table.

Someone has to make that.

[birds singing]

- Is this his house?
- Think so.

- Mimosa?

- I'm okay.
- Thank you.

- Would you like me
to take your peel?

- Yes, thank you.

[Pam sighs]
- Okay.

[phone rings]

- Who's that?

- Uh, my ex-fianc�e.

- Ha-ha.

- I started a new business
with my college friend,

but Pam doesn't know.

Um...

actually I--I did tell Pam,
and we decided no.

But then I decided yes anyway,

so I'm thinking there's another
conversation coming,

and it's hard to know
when that will be.

- With Operation Giveback

you pick the charities
Dunder Mifflin supports.

- Oh, boy.

What's happening?

- There's $4,000
to give away,

so who has filled out
their forms?

Stanley?

- American Diabetes
Association.

- Um...
- Yeah.

- You have diabetes, Stanley.

I'm sorry, is the assignment
to pick a selfish charity?

Like, does Oscar get to fund
some gay Mexican thing?

- Las Feliz Maracas.

They do very important work
for the homospanic community.

S�, podemos.
[imitates maracas].

- I, uh, I would love
to give--

- Heifers International.

Listen to this.

They give a poor person, like,
a goat or something.

It's a great prank.

- I wanna work with, uh,
Jimmy Carter

and help build gnomes.

- Dwight, what about you?

- I will not be participating,

as there is no evidence
that charity works.

- Uh, correction.

I give to a foundation

that teaches homeless children
nautical flag signaling.

Changes lives.

- Thank you, Andy.

- I'm not doing it for you,
I'm doing it

for the preservation
of nautical flag signaling.

- Dwight,
you will be participating.

- No, thank you.

- Participation
is mandatory, Dwight,

but you can choose whatever
cause you like.

- Fine, I choose
the Global Relief Foundation.

- Great.

Thank you--
- Which was recently discovered

to be a front
for the Taliban!

- Oh, for goodness' sake,
Dwight.

- Yeah.
The Taliban in Af-a-ghanistan.

- The Taliban is the worst.

Great heroin, though.

- Making someone pick a charity
by force is more un-American

than any militant movement that
seeks to destroy our country.

- Really? Really, Dwight?

- Dwight, I cannot have
the Taliban on the roster

of Operation Giveback.

- Well, then, it looks like

there won't be any
Operation Giveback. [chuckles]

The nanny state is over,
ladies and gentlemen.

You're welcome.

- Well, there are
a lot of charities out there

for the charismatic animals--
your pandas, your polar bears.

You know, the big shots.

But what about the more
inconspicuous creatures

like moths?

Someday, the moths are
gonna surprise us all.

[indistinct chatter]

- There he is.

Is it almost time
to cut the pancake, or what?

- Aw.
[chuckles] Yeah.

We appreciate everyone
coming so early.

Everyone's
just been so nice.

- Thanks for inviting us,
by the way.

That was--that was a surprise.
- Are you kidding me?

- Come on.

If it wasn't for you,
I never would've met Laura.

But seriously, could've dodged
a bullet on that one.

Just kidding.
- You're welcome.

- Thanks.

[Roy sighs]

- By the way, man,
this place is beautiful.

- Started a gravel company.

I mean, who knew
it would take off?

- Gravel company.
- Yeah.

- What about you?
- What are you doing?

- Not gravel, obviously.
- [chuckles]

- Nah, things are good.
Things are good.

Got some stuff in the works,
so...

- Oh, cool.
- Yeah, you never know.

- Hey, bro, stop wasting time
with this haircut.

He's got a $50,000 sports car.

- Cheers.
- Yeah. Okay, Kenny.

- We just love Laura.

I couldn't imagine a better
daughter-in-law.

- It's great to see Roy
so happy.

- Oh, he's the happiest
he's ever been.

- How wonderful.

- Laura's really easy
to get along with.

And she's loyal.

Which is what
I think Roy needs.

- Oh.

- Nice to see you again, Pam.

- [chuckling] Yes.

- Be well.

- Duncan, listen,
I would love to help you out,

but where am I gonna
find somebody that's pretty,

smart, and well-informed, huh?

Hold on--hold on!

Erin, do you know anybody
that might--

Oh, my gosh.

You love the news, right?

- Well, it depends.

I mean, sometimes I find out
things that are really sad.

- Well, I got a buddy

that's a big-time
local news producer,

and I can't tell you his name,
but it'd blow your mind.

- Uh, is it Duncan?

- He's looking
for on-air talent,

and he'd kill me
if I didn't get you on tape.

- You mean put me
on the news?

- You'll just come over,
put on a little lipstick,

loosen up
with a glass of red wine,

and then we'll just
run through a few stories.

You know,
couple different ways

with a couple
different outfits.

It'd be really tasteful,

and it'd really help me out
with Dunc--

with my friend.

What'd you say?
Eh?

- No, maybe, okay?
Let me think about it.

- Okay.

- Whoo.

- Think it over.

- Sure, the local news,
touring company of "Wicked,"

lingerie football league.

Uh, "Guinness Book of
World Records" for best orgasm.

Yeah, my friend Duncan is
in charge of a lot of stuff.

- No, Clark's not my friend.

He is the douche that
sits next to me at the office.

My friends are Scott,
Glenn and Rob,

but you don't know them.

- I never really thought much

about being more than
a receptionist, but why?

Because I happened to answer
a help wanted ad

to be a receptionist?

I mean, what if the ad
had been for a CEO

or for a brain surgeon?

- So, uh,
it was a year ago today

that I met Laura.

I thought
she was my waitress,

and, uh--[chuckles]

Took her three weeks to tell me

that she actually
owned the place.

You are full of surprises.

You are
my beautiful mystery girl,

and today,
I have a surprise for you.

[clears throat]

- He plays piano?

- No.

Roy? No.

- You know how I said
I was taking boxing lessons?

Actually, I was doing this.

Um, so I hope that you like it.

[clears throat]

- You got this, Roy.
- Mm-hmm!

[Billy Joel's
"She's Got A Way"]

- ? She's got a way about her ?

? ?

? Don't know what it is ?

? But I know that
I can't live without her ?

? she's got a way-- ?

- We still
surprise each other.

- Definitely.

- You know, I never did it,
but for your 30th birthday,

I really wanted
to surprise you.

- Courtside seats.
Sixers.

- Yes.

But what I didn't tell you

is that I actually
bought the tickets.

We only didn't go
because it was--

- It was an away game.
- In Phoenix.

They should really tell you
that more specifically.

I mean, every game
is an away game

for one of the teams.

Do we know everything
about each other?

- No.

- Tell me one thing
about you I don't know.

- [chuckles]

Um, okay.

- Now, what was
your charity again?

Something about
putting an antique steam engine

back on the tracks?

- Nice try.

It was the Taliban.

- Dwight,
are you entirely clear

on what you are supporting?

- Nellie,
are you entirely clear

on what you are undermining?

Freedom.

- Under the Taliban's sharia
law, drinkers are whipped.

- [gasps softly]

- Thieves have a hand cut off.

- [gasps softly]

- And the punishment
for losing your faith is death.

- If they
leave your family alive,

it's not a real punishment.

- And the way they treat women,
it's bizarre.

- Oh, that's a crime.
That's terrible.

- Yeah.

- I feel horrible about that.
- Mm.

Giving them free motorcycles.

- Wait, what?

- Yes, that's right.

Under Taliban rule, every woman

gets a new motorcycle every
two years and a free service.

- Well, that's not fair.

- Tell it to the Taliban.

And they're first in line
for the space program.

- Women can't be going into--

- [sighs]
Welcome to the Taliban.

- That is really--

oh, well played.

I see what you're trying to do.

You're trying to get me mad
at the Taliban.

Well, it won't work.

- Oh, here's one.

Did I ever tell you
about the time

that my brothers videotaped
the lottery announcement

and bought the winning numbers
the next day,

and then played the tape
for me the next week--

- And you thought
you guys were millionaires.

- You heard that one.

- Yes, but there's--wait.
Oh!

There's a funny ending
to that story.

I can't remember.

- That I thought
we were millionaires.

- That you thought
you were millionaires.

- Yep.
- That's funny.

Shoot, I knew that one!
- That's all right.

- The senator and I
still have mystery.

I'm always waiting
to see

what he's gonna
surprise me with next.

- [spits]

[Oscar coughs]

[Oscar groans]

[Oscar coughs]

- You all right?

- You support
the Taliban abroad,

so I assume you're willing
to live by their rules here.

- Anything else
would be inconsistent.

- Will you join me then
in a pledge

to live by Taliban law
in this office?

- Absolutely, I will.

I feared Nellie
had some sort of a plan,

but she used
a ridiculous font.

[scoffs]

[bad British accent]
You don't have a plan.

- When you use
a ridiculous font,

no one thinks
you have a plan.

Looking for this?

- What the--
- Mm, mm.

Oh, this is a lovely pen.
[gasps softly]

And it's mine now
because I stole it.

- Gimme that.

- Didn't you sign a contract
to live under Taliban law?

And now there's been a theft.

That means
you're not serious,

or someone's getting
their hand cut off.

- You're insane.

- I know.

So it's better
that you pick another charity.

- Oh, and let your precious
Operation Power Grab

proceed unchecked?

No, thank you.

- In that case, you...

[metallic scrape]

Will have to chop off my hand.

- This cleaver appears
to need sharpening.

I suggest you spend
some quality time together,

just you and your hand.

Tie a shoe, toss a salad,

do any of the
two-hand activities

that you'll miss the most.

- I tell you what.
I need to make three calls.

And then after that,
you can become a person

who chops off people's hands.

- Sounds like a plan.

- Clark wants to film you
in different outfits

inside his apartment?

- Yeah.

- Clark, you and I
need to have a little chat.

What clothes does Erin need
for this news audition?

- Uh, a couple
of button-downs,

a camisole, a blazer,
a pencil skirt,

stilettos, maybe a--
- All right.

- No, no, not maybe,
definitely open-toed.

Uh, something low-cut,
because the camera

makes everything
seem higher-cut.

- Really?
- Yeah, industry secret.

You're gonna want
some of those pantyhose

with the seam
up the back.

- Seems unnecessary
for an audition.

- And then, you know,
maybe just a robe to wear

in between takes,
but I probably got one

that she could borrow
at my place, so--

- Thank God someone here knows
what they're talkin' about.

I want you
to take this credit card.

Take Erin to the mall
and get that stuff.

- I absolutely
will do that.

- Dating a news anchor
is, like, my fantasy.

I've often wished I was a girl

so I could
date Anderson Cooper.

[chuckles]

Awesome.

Plop.

- [sputters]

Guess I'll just head over
to the mall then.

Buy Erin some--
some sexy, fun outfits.

- Maybe there are
bigger things out there for me

than receptionist.

And I owe it all to Clark,

who I thought at first
was a little sleazy,

but I now realize
is just one of those people

who stares at your chest
to know what's in your heart.

His words, not mine.

- That Clark, huh?

[growls]

[mimics explosion]

- Next question
for our oldyweds.

- What is the craziest place
you ever made whoopee?

- Language.

- Who was Pam's
first celebrity crush?

- Oh, this is good, okay.
- Pam's first celebrity crush.

- [whispering] John Stamos.

- Ready?
- Uh-huh.

- John Stamos.
- Oh, yes!

- But John Stamos
was temporary.

I quickly moved on to Johnny--
- Johnny Depp.

- Depp.

[chuckles softly]

Uh, um,

I was having a separate
conversation with, um, Kevin?

Uh, Johnny Depp.

- Totally. George Clooney.
[phone rings]

- Mm-hmm.

- Okay, I'll have one.
I have one.

[overlapping chatter]

- Where is the craziest place
you ever made whoopee?

- Hey.

- Kevin, stop it
with that question.

- Right?

And did you show them
the market--yeah.

And what'd they say?

That's awesome.
[chuckles]

That--oh, my God.
Wow.

It's not even real yet.

And I'm not gonna tell her
until it's real.

[overlapping chatter]

- I think maybe there actually

is something
I don't know about Jim.

- Go ahead.

- Everyone,
we have a voluntary meeting

in the conference room
to discuss Erin's confidence.

- Her body. We're gonna
talk about her body.

Good. Great job.

- Andy made me
his consigliere,

which means
assistant regional manager.

I guess he thought
I'd be into "The Godfather"

because I'm Black.

Wrong!

I'm into "The Godfather"
'cause I'm a cinephile.

I like "Scarface"
'cause I'm Black.

- Erin has an audition
to be a newscaster.

- Wow!
- Whoo!

- Uh-huh.
- Congratulations!

- And I want her
to feel very comfortable

in her very sexy skin,

so everybody say something that
you like about her body,

All right?
I'll go first.

Darryl.

- I thought you were gonna
go first.

- I just went first
by calling on you.

- Okay, um...

I like Erin's hair.

It's a very pretty color.

- Yeah, right?

Nice shoulders,
incredible posture.

Look at these hips.

Who likes these hips?
Raise your hand.

- I'm sorry.
This is for a news audition?

- Yeah.

- Then why are
we talking about her looks?

Why not her credibility
or her reliability?

- They don't exist anymore,
Oscar.

Not since Mary Hart left
"Entertainment Tonight."

- News flash, everyone--
the human race

finds attractive people
more trustworthy.

- So sorry, Andy,
but for 20 years,

the most trusted man
in America?

Walter Cronkite.

- Cronkite was hot.

If I could go back in time,
I'd take that moustache ride.

- Does Erin
have any experience?

Has she taken
any journalism classes, maybe?

- Has she done
the pageant circuit?

- No, I watch the news.
- She's gonna be amazing.

Look at her. She's gonna
light up the screen.

- Does she even want to do it?

- Of course she wants to do it.

She answers phones.

- Oh, that's not fair, Angela.

Some people don't aspire
for anything higher

and that's just fine for her.
- That's true.

- Hey.

- Well, if--
- Hey, over here.

Yes.

I want to do it.

I really want to do it.

I know that you guys
have probably been offered

news anchor jobs
every week of your lives,

but this is a first for me,

and I don't get a lot
of chances,

so I have to take them
really seriously.

I will do whatever it takes
to get the job.

- Whatever it takes.

- Yeah, I know, I heard.

[Dwight shouts]

- But I'm really bad
at public speaking.

- Don't think of it
as public speaking.

Think of it as music.

The news is music.

You sing it.

[Andy babbling indistinctly
in newscaster rhythm]

[Erin babbling indistinctly
in newscaster rhythm]

[both babbling indistinctly
in newscaster rhythm]

- Good, good, good.

[Erin babbling indistinctly
in newscaster rhythm]

- Good, good.

Okay, now pause
and bring it home.

Big finish.

[Erin babbling indistinctly
in newscaster rhythm]

- Wow.

Thank you for that news.

That was some very important
information you just told me.

[Erin scats
in newscaster rhythm]

- You're welcome.

[metallic scrape]

- This is it.

Wanna give your hand
one last round of applause?

Any questions?

- Is it gonna be long?

- No, it's gonna be over
before you know it.

- Mm-hmm.

- Afghan president Hamid Karzai
declared a new policy

of Dollar Days
throughout the country,

promising low, low prices

on all 2012 Kia Sentras
and Sonatas.

"Aren't you glad you waited?"
Karzai commented.

- Um, where did you get
that story?

- A little bit here,
a little bit there.

I bet you didn't think
I knew current events.

- I love it.
It's fantastic.

Now tag it with your name.

- [sighs]

For Channel 11 news,
I'm Erin Hannon.

- Pause after news.

- For Channel 11 news...

I'm Erin Hannon.

- No, pause longer.

- That was a good one.

- Pause--pause--pause longer.

Okay?
Build suspense.

Don't be shy.
- Got it. [clears throat]

For Channel 11 news...

- What, it's--

- I'm Erin Hannon.
- Okay, all right.

Great.

Some great stuff
in there.

- So she's coming over at 11

because I told her
it's for the 11:00 news.

I mean, you think I can
get her in the shower

for reporting in the rain?
[chuckles]

[Clark laughs]

Oh, come on.
I'm kidding.

- I don't know.
[inhales deeply]

I don't know.

I feel like you would also
say you're kidding

when you're most not kidding.

- Yeah, sometimes
I don't know myself.

- Right.

- I can feel you looking
at me.

- Okay, well here's something
you don't know.

[Pam takes deep breath]

A couple of weeks ago...
- Mm-hmm.

- I ran into this guy
from my high school

who has just gotten divorced.

And he hit on me
in the mall.

And I didn't tell you because--

I don't know,
I felt embarrassed

and I didn't know
if you'd be mad or worried.

But anyway,
I thought you'd wanna know.

- That didn't happen.

You would've told me
right away.

- Yeah, I would've.
- [chuckles]

- What about you?

Come on,
there's gotta be something.

Between your birth
and the last two days,

something you just haven't had
the chance to tell me.

- Uh...

- Just tell me.

- God, give it up, Beesly.
You know me too well.

[Dwight grunts]

[Dwight grunts]

[Dwight grunts]

- Hey.

You okay?

- Yeah, I'm fine.
Good.

- [chuckling] Yeah?

- Oh, it's nothing. I just--
allergies.

- Pam has allergies.

That's something
I did not know about her.

[sighs softly]

- Hey.
- Hmm?

- Um, I knew
something bothered me,

and I finally
figured it out.

What news producers are gonna
wanna see is how Erin relates

to the other people
on the news team.

- Oh.

- The weird thing is Erin
is doing the audition alone.

- Oh, God.

- Now, I'd say Clark
could be your co-host.

He's already doing camera.
- [scoffs]

- Somebody who's already
got rapport with Erin, maybe.

I don't know.

[Dwight grunts]

- Hey, this is for real
this time.

- Mm-hmm.

[Dwight grunts]

- It's gettin' late.

Thought you guys
could use a little inspiration.

[Fox fanfare playing]

- Oh, a movie.

What is this?
- "127 Hours."

It's about this guy who--
- No, no, no, no.

No spoilers. Please.

- My bad, my bad--
- No.

- You're right, okay.

Good night.
[Nellie sighs]

- For the record, I like
knowing everything about you.

It's nice.
- Totally agree.

We know each other inside
and out.

No surprises.

[phone buzzing]

- We got the funding.

So...

now--now it's real.

[knock on door]

- Hey!
- [chuckling] Hey.

- Everybody.
- Yeah.

- Come in.
- All right.

- Come on in.
- [gasps] Wow!

- Thanks.
What are you doing here?

- [sighs] Sorry, man.

Andy thought Erin
need a co-anchor.

I'm his makeup guy.
My hands are tied.

- [groans]

- The victim was released
from the hospital

with second-degree burns.

- Wow.
You know what they say, Erin

If you can't take the heat,
get out of the kitchen.

- Well, he tried to,
but the fire door was blocked.

- He sure did. [chuckles]
- All right.

We got that.
That's a rap everybody.

- [sighs]
- It's just--you sure, Clark?

- Yep, she's done.

- No, I just--
I don't mean Erin.

I mean for me.
I didn't feel good about that.

- No, no, we got it.
We got it.

- Great! Let's get some food.
I'm starving.

- I don't think
we did get it.

I could do a couple more takes.
We could do it in close-up.

That might even be better
for editing.

- Okay, I don't.

- All right.

- I'm hungry.

- Uh, Pete, you wanna take Erin
to get a burger or something?

- Yeah, whatever you say, boss.
- Okay.

I'll call you later.
- Okay.

- Okay.
- Great job.

- [clears throat]
So this is a single.

- Hey, even this doesn't
work out for me,

I'm just glad
I had the guts to do it.

And maybe it'll work out
for Andy.

- Oh, that is
absolutely revolting!

- Oh, yeah.
- He is so good, though.

- Yes.

- The way he just
cuts off his arm.

- If you like James Franco,
we really should watch

"Rise of the Planet
of the Apes."

- Well, he's a genius,
you know?

He was in graduate programs
at Yale, Columbia and NYU

all at the same time.
- Whoop-de-doo.

That doesn't
make you a genius.

- Well,
it doesn't make you stupid.

- Oh, yeah, it does.

Actually,
it makes you real stupid.

- Oh, stupid like you.
- No, like you.

- Like you.
- You're the stupid one.

both: you're the stupid one.

- You, you, you, you, you--
- You're the stupid one.

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