Original subtitles

Ahh!

Hoo-hoo!

Oh, no!

Hi.

Whoo! Ra-ra-ra!

Argh!

Hello, I'm Greg Davies. Welcome to Taskmaster,

a pantomime of the pointless, a circus of the ridiculous.

A ridicu-circus.

And in this arena of anarchy, this big top of terror,

I am your clinically obese ringmaster.

And these are your clowns.

It's Daisy May Cooper!

Johnny Vegas!

Katherine Parkinson!

Mawaan Rizwan!

And Richard Herring!

And to my left,

a man who looks like a cylinder of meat

that's been rolled across a hairdresser's floor -

it's the human woolly kebab -

little Alex Horne!

Thank you. Hello, everyone.

Hello, everyone. I'm making it my mid-series resolution to be nice to you.

Oh. Well, I could tell you a secret, then, if you want.

Yes, please. It's a side project I've been doing

for quite a number of years.

You're not allowed to tell them. All right.

I'm Banksy.

Cool. That is cool actually.

Do you believe me? Yeah. It's not the person I was expecting,

but why not? Yeah. Does it change your opinion of me?

Nope. It's one of your strongest openers. Yeah?

Well done. Let's crack on. Prize task, please.

Prize task. Thank you. This week, they've been asked to bring in

the best pointy thing.

Oh. Mm. It's pretty simple stuff. Have you got a pointy thing? Yes.

Is it the best pointy thing? Yes. Well done, here's five points.

And you might win it back at the end of the show if you carry on this winning streak. OK?

Right. Good. OK.

Johnny, h-what is your pointy thing?

My pointy thing is...

..brilliant and saves lives.

Mm. Five points looking good.

A meat thermometer.

Here's the meat thermometer.

I may have gone early with the five points.

Oh, come on. I'd say you were around the two-point mark at the moment,

but try and talk it up. Because it-it-it...

For novice chefs, for everyone -

you've still got to feed your children, haven't you?

And the last thing you want to do is... is... is...

..give them raw meat. Does everyone have a meat thermometer?

I haven't. No, I haven't. But, then, as you can see,

I largely eat processed food.

I'd like one, I think, as a... an objet d'art.

Mawaan. Well, I've actually brought in a self-help book...

OK... because it makes some great...

..points. Mmm. No.

Mm. Yes. It's called How To Get Your Point Across In 30 Seconds...

..Or Less. All right. Well, talk me through... Make some points.

I'll use some of the skills I learnt... Yep. ..to get my point across.

The triangle technique. Yep. Er, you've got your content,

delivery,...er...

Form.

I don't really know what it means, but it sounds good, you see.

You're all over the shop, mate. You're talking about a book

that's got the word "point". Look at the corners!

Pointy. Could hurt yourself on that. Last place, I think.

Who's next? Richard. Yes!

My pointy thing is a mask of that guy off of Hellraiser

with the pointy... with lots of points on his face.

Here he is. Look at the number of points on that!

He's Pinhead. Yeah. Disgusting old thing, innit?

It is. I wear that in bed with my wife. She likes it.

And do you keep saying, "Look at me" over and over again?

I think she likes it because it keeps my... face away from her face.

So there's... Fair play to you, Richard, it's not a bad pointy thing. It's a pointy thing.

It's very pointy. Lot of points on that. Right, Daisy. Yes.

Unbelievably leading in the series thus far,

despite, in this round, having a consistently shocking record.

This could be the one.

You could really cement your place at the top of the pile...

I really couldn't... with something imaginative and different.

Kebab stick. Oh, right...

It's a kebab stick. I tell you why, because it doubles up

as a javelin for a Sylvanian Family

and I don't know if you've ever tried to hold an Olympic event

with Sylvanian Families, but you cannot buy javelins for 'em.

Here it is, the javelin slash kebab stick.

Oh, God.

It's literally like you remembered there was a task

and it just fell into your drawer.

Well, it's a pointy thing. Erm, Katherine,

can you beat the laziest person in the room?

I don't have much confidence in this one, particularly after you've shown Richard's,

because mine is also a mask, but it's only got one point.

It's a Venetian mask. Is it? More attractive than Richard's.

It looks like this.

Ohh. Oh, yeah. Ooh. Oh, OK.

This one "protects the wearer's identity during promiscuous or decadent activity."

I... I look at that and I just see Tom Cruise

holding onto his marriage. Oh, my goodness.

I mean, it's a pointy mask. I like that, I think that's brilliant.

I had thought of doing satnav as a pointy thing, erm,

which I think might've been a better choice.

It wouldn't. No, OK. No, it wouldn't.

I like that. So you've got a book, two pointy masks...

Yep... and a couple of sticks over here. I'm putting Mawaan last.

Yeah, sorry. One point.

She put in a metal stick! That's pointy. There's no justice.

Two points - Sylvanian fall-into-a-drawer girl.

OK, in third place... Meat thermometer.

Meat-thermometer man. Three points. Yeah. Saves lives - good try.

So it's the battle of the masks. And it's a choice between the masks. Yes.

The honest truth is that I just instinctively like the image

of Richard Herring sitting in bed wearing that mask.

So I'm going to give Katherine four points... Fair enough.

..and Richard five. Richard Herring wins the first task.

I needed it. Tasky, tasky.

Yessy, yessy. Baggy, baggy.

Hi, Daisy. Hello.

Hello! All right, Alex?

How are you? I'm a bit cold. Cold? Yeah.

Where's your big coat? Oh, I suppose I could wear a... a coat.

That's for Christmas trees. Yes.

"Bag the heaviest thing from the furthest distance."

"Your attempt ends when you have bagged an item."

"Highest score wins."

"Your score is the weight of the bagged object in grams

"multiplied by the distance from the bagging machine

"in centimetres."

"You have 20 minutes." "Your time starts now."

Erm,...the bath won't go in!

Oh, God... Have you two considered doing a double act of some kind,

you and Katherine, because the banter between you...

You instinctively knew she was cold and she confirmed she was.

You suggested she could've worn a coat and she confirmed, yes,

had she previously thought of it, she would've worn a coat!

Then we left... And I was like, "What the fuck?!"

I don't know what you're going to do next!

Wait and see. Hey, I like the idea of this task.

Your sort of thing, isn't it? It is my sort of thing

and I often go past those Christmas-tree things

and I think, "I wouldn't mind popping myself through one of those."

Well, this is long-distance bagging. Right, bag it up, baby.

Bag it up, baby. We're going to start with Mawaan,... Sure.

..Daisy and, yes, sod it, why not? Also Richard. Lovely.

So what I'm going to do is fill this up with really heavy things

and then I'm going to stand on a... on, like, a ladder, I think,

and then get, like, a tube or something...

What's the heaviest thing I can weight it with?

So you're going to send it down a zipwire. Yes, basically.

What sort of a case is it, Richard?

It's a... trumpet...

I'm going to make a rice tunnel. A rice tunnel. Yeah.

Rice rocket.

Do you want me to cross out "rice tunnel"? Yeah, rice rocket.

Are you all right? Yep.

Won't shut unless it's in the actual shape of a horn.

How's the bag going over that sledge?

Yep, that's not going to work.

You've got nine minutes.

Come on. So slow.

You're throwing from there? I think I'll go from here.

We'll try it from here. OK, let's mark the front foot.

One,

two, waah!

That was too far away.

What's in the bag, Daisy?

Bricks.

Oh, that's heavy, that.

What even is that? It's a boat winch.

A boat wench? Winch.

One, two,...

What number were you trying to get to?

OK, ready.

Put down the measuring bowl. Good luck.

Good, innit?

There's like a little rope thing, yeah.

Yeah...

I could do a run-up to it.

Waah!

That was almost the closest.

Do you want me to let go? Yep.

Fuck!

That's not going to work.

Bend your knees. It's really heavy.

Whoa!

I might just throw it in. Yeah? I think so.

Ready, steady,...

Yep.

Well, thank you, Mawaan. OK. Merry Christmas.

Are you going to weigh it now? Yes.

Ooh! That is heavy, right? Yeah.

Congratulations, Richard. Thank you.

Yeah. Lovely bagging. Lovely bagging.

Someone was excited to show off his big scissors, wasn't he?

They were so big! I know...

Mawaan, you came good with that old Christmas classic...

Yeah... the rice rocket.

And I don't know... I don't know

what part of your brain you accessed that idea from.

I was just thinking, like, aerodynamic,... Right.

..but rice. It was very heavy. It was very, very heavy.

Daisy. I always think, if you want to throw something

the furthest distance

through an aperture that's directly in front of you,

it's all about trajectory.

I was thinking

that the distance I could do in height.

No? It's a complete collapse of common sense.

Richard, you went old school

with the classic horn case full of pebbles.

What I was noticing was that you were taking a run at it... Yeah.

But I was running towards my mark. You know when people are throwing javelins,

they don't just go... They go, "Waaah!"

You're quite right, and I was going to come on to "Waah",

which, on the pebbles-in-a-horn-case circuit,

you're known for the "Waah". Let's have some statistics.

There's going to be some big scores because it's centimetres times grams.

Mawaan - three metres away, 3.05 metres away.

That's good, innit? Feels good. It weighed 8.6 kilograms,

so the score is 2.623 million.

Wow! The population of Birmingham.

I get 2.6 million points? Yep.

No, that's your score. They don't translate to points.

2.6 million... That's his score. Centimetres times grams.

Richard, er, from 2.7 metres, 15 and a half kilograms.

You get a score of 4.1 million, the population of Rome. OK.

Daisy - 18.2 kilograms, but it didn't make up from the distance,

she was very close. Very, very close.

I mean, the only thing of merit in the whole task yet again

was her use of the word "Fuck".

Er, Daisy, the population of Bucharest - just 1.8 million.

You're in last place at the moment, you were very close to the machine.

It's the end of part one. You've just got time

to reflect on the bad decisions you've made in life

before we come back to distract you. Off you pop.

Hello, welcome back to Taskmaster where our cast were using

a Christmas-tree bagging machine way out of season.

Yes, so it was nice and affordable. It's Katherine and Johnny now.

Is it mad to suggest myself?

Biggest thing. Biggest thing, biggest thing.

Oh, sugar and spice.

What have you got there, Johnny? Well, I've got a table.

Ow!

I will probably be... be heavier than the... cow.

You think you're heavier than that cow?

The cow's hollow and I'm not.

Can I go out the gate? Why do you want to go out the gate?

Because I was thinking of hitting someone over the head

and putting them in there.

Practically, I think I'd be easier to bag.

Yeah, I think there's a few problems with the cow.

How much time, Alex?

11 minutes!

Please, please, please, come here.

Could you do me a massive favour? I've got to win a task.

Would you let me wrap you like a Christmas tree? Please!

I've got to be at work at 12. No, you'll be there by 12. It'll take one minute.

Maybe lift up the blanket because I'll be lying on that.

Right, so if you just climb in and I'll attach things to you.

I'm in. If anyone asks, you're a robot.

Ready? Yeah.

OK? Sure.

Are you ready? Yeah, right. The launch begins.

God. Oh, it's quite nice.

All right? Mm. Can you avoid that bit? Yeah, I'll watch that bump.

I'm going to find something else that I can attach to your shoelaces. OK.

I seem to remember you telling me that you played the banjo!

You say when to... I haven't got a plan.

I'm going to just see when we get there. Well, we're nearly there.

Right.

You might be late for work!

Just think this through. Right.

No, I... Shall I put you down? Yeah.

You're definitely OK with microwaves? Sure.

You're not fully through yet.

40 seconds left, Johnny. Right. Ready? Yep.

Go!

And... I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming!

Right.

And just rela... Hang on.

You may want to wiggle yourself.

I can't!

I just suddenly had a moment of wondering what I was doing.

We done?

OK, I'll just sort of flip out, yeah? OK.

Little bit more.

OK, I'll measure that distance and can I get a weight?

I am... 22 stone.

22. Thereabouts, yeah.

Same as Greg. And four pounds.

Thank you very much, Katherine. Thank you.

Wow. OK.

Erm, confounded our expectations

that Katherine and I are exactly the same weight.

I wasn't... She's definitely shorter than you.

I genuinely am 22 stone. She must be very dense.

Very dense. Heavy boned. She started 33 metres away from the machine.

Was it all one movement, do you think, Greg?

Did she touch the floor?

Did not touch the floor between the launch and the mounting and the...

..penetration. Oh, for God's sake.

I mean, it's going to be massive, this score, isn't it?

Well, if we're including 33 metres and 22 stones,...

Which we are. ..then it's the population of Tokyo and Bangkok combined -

it's Toky-kok. It's 47 million.

It's a big one. Well done.

Erm, Johnny, there was a bit when you'd convinced that man to...

Matthew. You'd convinced Matthew to come in. And the worst of it is

that when he got to work and explained why he was late,

he would definitely have been signed off sick.

"Johnny Vegas put me through a Christmas-tree machine."

"He's been under a lot of pressure, this... this poor guy."

Getting me in didn't take that long, but getting him out took a while.

This score's going to be... So he started the bagging process from the gate?

Yeah. Yeah... That's the distance where the object came from.

He brought the object from the gate. I don't think you can count,

like, the distance it travels before you start throwing it.

So where are you saying that Matthew was thrown from?

I'm saying he was thrown from the... zero metres.

I mean, he's got a good point.

I think we'll take it, erm, from ten centimetres away,

but we'll count all of the objects that went through with him.

In which case, he gets a score of one million and comes last.

OK. What?! Because it was only ten centimetres.

Why were you so easily swayed by the "Uh, uh, he didn't..."

- It's me or Vegas. - Well, OK, and what would've happened to him

if I'd've thrown him?

That's why you couldn't... Because otherwise, you could say,

"I'll go and get a 5,000-ton weight

"and get some people to carry me, put it in a wheelbarrow..."

No, I'm standing by it. It's fair. I'm officially sulking. OK.

How long will that last for? Pff...

Nah, seconds.

Shut up!

Come on, let's have some scores. Well, the scores are, then -

Johnny gets one point, Daisy gets two points, Mawaan three,

Richard four, but Katherine, with her 47 million,

gets five points. I'm so pleased! Yes, please.

Right, quick scoreboard. Do you want to hear the series scores so far?

Yes. Well, Mawaan has crept into last place with 55.

Oh, Mawaan. Katherine no longer last with 56.

Johnny 63, Richard 68, Daisy still in the lead with 71.

Somehow.

And today the scoreboard is very satisfying for me.

We've got three people on four points and two on nine.

It's Katherine and Richard in the lead with nine points.

Another one! OK, another task. Here we go.

Ohh, hio. Oh, hi, Alex.

Hey, Alex. Welcome to the garage.

Gorgeous.

No doubt what lies in this envelope will put me off

porcelain for life.

"Paint a picture of a howling wolf on this teapot."

"You may not touch the teapot or remove it from the turntable

"and you may not tamper with the turntable or its power."

"The turntable will..."

Oh. You mispronounced a word there.

"The turntable will keep speeding up

"until you have named 20 American states."

Oh, you're joking.

It's not a strength.

"If you do name 20 American states, this turntable will slow down."

"You have ten minutes."

I'm not reading it because... I know what happens when I read it!

You have to read it, that's the one rule. "Your time starts now."

Erm...

Lovely. Hm. We all get it. Let's start.

Let's just start with Richard and Mawaan.

"Your time starts now." Arkansas,

er... Is that how you pronounce it?

California. I don't know. Arkan-saw?

Erm, Alaska.

Erm...

Oh, shit, man, I'm so bad at multitasking.

Vermont, is that one? Er... Yes, I'll give you Vermont.

Er, South something.

Massas-chusetts. Say that one one more time.

Massachusetts.

New York. I used to be able to do all of these in alphabetical order.

Er, Hellinois, Dellinois... Illinois!

South Dakota, North Dakota. Yes.

I know more than I thought. How many did you think you knew?

New York, LA. That's two, write that down.

Florida. Ooh, yep. Er, New Mexico. New Hampshire.

You haven't named the main one yet. What's the main one?

Detroit?

No, I can't give you that. Wh... Er, Detroit is one.

Cor, it's harder than you think. A... Alaska, Hawaii.

Chicago. Erm, West Philadelphia, born and raised.

Philadelphia?

Er... Is that a new jersey? No, it's the same as usual.

New Jersey. OK.

I got a new jersey. You're distracting me and I can see through it. OK. Sorry, sorry.

Oh, Illinois. Er...

Indiana, Arizona. Oh, Washington's up there.

Hawaii. Texas.

Why have you crossed it out?

Er, Oklahoma City, Dallas. Salt Lake City's in Utah.

Erm...

Where's Disneyland? Paris.

Ha!

One left. Still haven't said the main one. Maine!

South Carolina.

That too you three minutes. Not bad. OK.

It will gradually slow down now. What does a wolf look like?

Look at that, see, that looks like a wolf, doesn't it?

On the other side, I was going to draw Wolf from Gladiators.

I'm happy with that. Stopping there? Yep. Don't blame you.

I'm done. Less is more, innit?

Very good.

Did you put Wolf on? Yeah, I did Wolf on the other side.

Lovely dated reference, er, there.

Do you know who Wolf from Gladiators is? No.

I'm not... I'm not at all... Of course you don't.

He's a pensioner.

Mawa... Mawaan...

Some far more up-to-date references from you.

The old Fresh Prince.

That's what the kids are all into now, innit?!

You want to see someone else painting?

Yeah. We're now going to look at Daisy and Johnny

and Katherine painting. Let's do it.

Right, I'm just going to paint it because I won't be able to name 20 American states,

I'm pretty sure. You don't want to name the main state? Erm...

Which is obviously,...

..erm, Florida.

OK.

Arkansas.

Erm, er, California. California. Good.

Texas. Texas.

Oh, what's the really cold one?

My wife knows. Could you ring her? Yeah, I'll ask 'er.

Erm...

Er,...Wisconsin.

Venezuela!

I can't give you Venezuela, Johnny. OK.

Erm, Washington.

New York. Correct.

OK. New York.

I like your jumper. Is it a jumper? A jacket?

It's a velvet jacket.

I got a new jersey for Christmas.

Oh.

Jersey.

What sort of Jersey?

I want to say "Royal"!

Not Royal Jersey, no. Jer... Jer... Jersey...

New Jersey! Correct.

It just looks like that cat that shits in me yard every night.

Mississippi.

Mississippi! Correct.

Er, Kentucky. OK.

Alabama. Boston.

No.

I'd a whole, er, pizza for lunch.

The whole thing? Mm-hm.

Ohio.

Ohio. Oh! That's a state, isn't it? Lovely.

Oh! See, I actually think it's better because it's moving.

Where's Yellowstone Park?

Nevada!

Montana. Virginia.

Woh... Er... Woh...

Oh, God, I've added another ear in a moment of panic.

Ahhh...

Kansas! Yes.

Ha-haa!

And I think I'm finished.

Quick, quick, quick... Ohh.

I think about five minutes ago, it was better,

but that's fine.

It's probably some of the best work I've ever done.

You see, Katherine's so locked into the banter

that you crazy cats have together now,

even when you're dropping a hint, she'll just run with it

and say, "Yes, it's a velvet jacket."

Johnny and Daisy, it's the most poised I've seen both of you.

Yeah. And Daisy was very close, got to 18...

Ooh! That's very good.

So you've got to judge them. We'll put them all up as one.

This is Daisy's wolf.

Ha! Can you see, it's howling at the moon. Yeah, that's not bad.

And it's a dark night so we know it's the moon.

I did some decoration on the top, but that might be a nosebleed

that... that the wolf's got.

Er, Johnny's. The wolf on the right and, er, he said,

on the left, "It's a squirrel who scratched his own eyes out."

Right. I think, on the right, it looks like a grizzly bear.

I think it's a good grizzly bear. I remember more detail with the eyes

and the bloodied mouth.

For an artist, it's certainly disappointing.

Shall we have a look at Katherine's? Yes, please.

Right. See the word "howl". That, to me, looks like what depression looks like.

Oh, the old howling wolf. Yeah. A howl and a dark, dark cloud.

Well, that's a shame. Next.

Mawaan. Oh, Jesus. That's lovely. Who's is this? Mine? Wow.

Looks like the thing from Stranger Things. I mean, it looks like a creature at least.

And then finally we see a wolf and THE Wolf on Richard's one.

Definitely Wolf from Gladiators. Not bad, is it?

And he's howling.

Waahh!

Oh, man. In last place, it's the dark cloud of depression.

It's Katherine. Katherine gets one point.

That's right. Two points -

Mawaan. Mawaan gets two for the... large blob.

The trained artist and drawer of bears. Johnny gets three points.

Three points to Johnny. Third place. Daisy or Richard for five points?

I'm going to give them both five points. For the first time!

Five points to Daisy and Richard. They don't deserve it. They don't...

OK, it's time for Alex to salute the end of part two

whilst doing a sexy hula dance!

Is this sexy enough? Yeah.

There we go.

Hello again. Welcome back to Taskmaster.

Time for a new task, I should say.

Yes, I should say too

and this one is a homework task.

Hello. Johnny.

Alex. Alex Horne.

The task is in your pigeonhole. OK.

Do you know where your pigeonhole is? No, no-one's told me.

Oh, this thing that says "Mawaan" on it? Yeah.

Ooh.

"Do something out of character with this £20."

I'm deciding...

"Most out-of-character thing wins."

I won't tell you what's just come to my mind.

"You have three months. Your time starts now."

Three months?

But what would be in character for you, Daisy?

Er,...vaping.

Or...

..ghost hunting.

I thought of drugs. Drugs.

But I'm not going to do that. What sort of drugs? Well, I don't know.

Poopers. What are they called?

Ploppers. What are they called?!

Poopers. Poppers. Are you talking about...

Are you talking about the drugs or the people that provide the drugs? I don't know!

Ahh... Right. So it's most out-of-character thing.

They had £20... It's difficult for me.

I'm going to have to judge it on how well I know them from this experience. Yes, you are.

Do you want to see what Johnny sent us? Yes, please.

This is how he spent his £20.

I mean, I've been meaning to shave...

OK. Brace support.

Arghh! It's all right.

Nice and tight. Fff...

I can see... Aiii! Aiingg!

Zz... Oww!

Wow. Yeah.

Was that it? That's all you got? You got a "T" on your chest?

Not just a "T". No... A "TM", as you can see here.

I got Taskmaster. Yep. And what about the armpits?

Yeah, the armpits was completely unnecessary.

Here's the thing though. If someone said to me,

"You know Johnny Vegas? He's, erm,

"he's had his armpit hair taken off

"and, er, "TM" waxed into his chest",

this'd be my face.

Really? Yeah.

No, but visiting a beautician or anything like that.

Good point. You're back in the game. OK, Katherine now. Who's next?

Katherine now. Katherine. Interesting.

So she took her £20 somewhere

and then took this photo outside a bank.

I don't know why I'm doing that position. And then,

after she went into the bank, she looked like this.

She deposited the £20 in the bank.

I mean, that is exactly what I would think you would do with £20.

Don't know me very well. I clearly don't!

Because I imagine you are frugal and you do look after the pennies.

I don't know how I have given that impression.

Can I confirm you did definitely deposit that money in the bank?

The truth is I didn't put that £20 in the bank,

I spent it, which I think confirms...

The out-of-character thing was lying about putting it in the bank.

Oh, that's quite good. Ahh!

I'll... I'll mull on that. OK, you mull on that. Yep.

Daisy May Cooper...

Hello... invested her £20 similarly on a subscription.

It was Portable Restroom Operator.

And I tell you why this is most out of character,

because I actually thought about this one...

Yeah, normally you get out of bed and fall into your kitchen,

whatever your hand lands on, right? Yeah.

Is that out of character? What, for her to buy a magazine...

I think that's quite impressive. I can see you hanging out

by the Portaloo quite a lot at a festival.

Absolutely not!

The big leap... I can never be bothered to queue for the fucking Portaloo.

I just piss where I stand! Just shit yourse...

So that's completely out of character.

I know that PRO magazine have a policy of their cover model

is always just about to have a shit.

When you open the cover, is there another picture of him afterwards, going...

Very good. Who's next? Richard. Yep.

Who paid a visit to a special person, didn't you, Richard? I did, yeah.

OK. Let's have a look.

So you're a man who likes to be in control, Richard,... Yeah.

..and you see yourself as very logical.

Can you see how I'm going to do in the competition?

Can you work that out? Let me see.

Well, you're going to be happy with the result.

OK. I'm not sure you're going to win,

but if you don't, it's going to be close.

Well, I usually come second, that's what usually happens when I'm on these things.

So that sounds like it's going to be business as usual.

I hope that's been interesting. Yes, very interesting, thank you.

It was really lovely to meet you. And you, Jenny, thank you very much.

Great. Good luck, darling.

You seemed to quite enjoy it though.

It's out of character, it doesn't matter.

You can try something out of character and discover

that you've entered a new beautiful world of mysticism and tarot.

And why is it out of character? Because I don't believe in any of that bullshit.

And I wouldn't never make anyone...

All right. Finally, Mawaan Rizwan - what did you do, Mawaan?

Well, it's a qualification

in how to deal with aggressive people at work.

This is the gift voucher he got. It's from the New Skills Academy.

"Pick any ten Lightning Skill Lessons from the list below for only £20."

"Save £470."

That is a big discount.

Completely true. Really? Yeah. Well, let's try.

Do you want me to be aggressive? Yeah, yeah, sure.

I hate your trainers. OK...

Ohh... Erm,

OK. Well, I'd just like to say, erm,

no, Greg. Er... Yes though.

"I am a valuable member of this team."

"I am assertive, I am creative, I am powerful, I am beautiful,

"I'm a sexy badass bitch." I added that last bit myself.

Erm...

And I think the others would agree

that, erm, we will not... stand for this.

That's £2 worth of course, that one.

I do feel a bit less aggressive. All right.

Do you want to score it? Right. I'm going to give Katherine

a generous... three points

because I thoroughly enjoyed, erm, the fact

that's she's, er, obviously spent a few raves

off her nut on the old poopers.

Three points to Katherine. Yeah. In joint second place,

both getting four points, I'm going to put...

..Johnny and...

..old Richard the psychic.

OK, waxing and tarot both get four points. That's right.

And in the number-one slot, it's the poo-obsessed Daisy

and the bad-boy-turned-good Mawaan.

The winners are Mawaan and Daisy!

Another task, please. Just like a girl I went to school with,

this one's melon-y.

Oh, why does this fill me with dread?

Hello, team. Hey, Alex. Hi. Hi, Alex.

Does everyone like what they see? I'm liking it.

Who's going to read this one? Shall I do it? Yeah.

That was beautifully done, by the way.

Oh, God!

"Eat the most watermelon."

"The watermelon must not leave the lab."

"You must be wearing a boiler suit and goggles when you're eating the watermelon."

"You must stay on your platform at all times."

"You must not feed yourself."

"You must only eat the watermelon that is on your platform."

"You must not feed yourself. You have four minutes."

"Your time starts now." Shall we get dressed? Oh...

How long have we got? Four minutes. Oh, God, that's going to be this.

I've got massive boots on!

Mm. Mmm. Pretty straightforward -

they've got to feed each other loads of watermelon. Yes.

One team was filmed before social distancing and one the other.

First of all, we're going to see Dickie and Daisy. The double Ds!

Oh, lovely crack. Right, that's pretty good.

There's a big bit there. I tell you what we could do.

I hold that to you... Yeah. ..and you hold that to me...

Mm...

Keep it down. Try not to spit on the, erm, one I'm eating.

Let's try...

The moaning!

It's like the walking dead!

Whuughh... Arrr!

There's a nice bit there that I can put on a plate for you.

How long have we got left?

You've got 50 seconds. Oh, 50 seconds...

Sorry! I didn't get any on your bit!

I think that might just be the easiest way to do it.

We've got ten seconds...

I don't want to eat any more...

Yep.

Strong. Very strong.

I mean, it's one of the worst things I've ever seen in my life.

My God...

It was like Daisy was consuming Richard.

Daisy did most of the consuming, there's no doubt about that.

He didn't really eat anything.

He was just kind of watching me,

which makes me think you were turned on by it.

I mean, they got the job done. The watermelon originally weighed 8.6 kilograms. Right.

There was only 7.6 left in the room and some of that had been downed,

so they ate at least one kilogram,

which is a whole pineapple or a toaster in four minutes.

Listen, you can stay and watch the last part of this show

after these adverts, but then I want you to brush your teeth

and go straight to bed, OK? And no,

it isn't a good idea to have a bowl of cereal this late!

Hello! It's the last part of the show

and we're right in the thick of a watermelon task.

Daisy and Richard got intimate. Now, complete with lengthy grabbers,

it's the dynamic trio.

Right, so we've got to feed each other.

Who's feeding who? If you feed me...

If I feed Mawaan his... You pick up a piece of mine,

we all put it to our mouths at the same time. OK.

Picking. Getting a slice. Getting a slice.

Oh, it's heavy, you know. Approaching your mouth, Johnny.

Approaching your mouth. Are you ready? Ahh!

Mmm... Mmm...

Good. Good job. Come on, Katherine, I'm hungry.

Sorry. I'm going to be shitting pips for a week.

Ooh, my gosh, it's so heavy.

That's huge! Johnny, I can't eat and do this at the same time.

You can, just trust me.

I've finished. Oh, that one's going to fall. Oh, you took it...

Ehh...

Ah-haa!

Whaa...

Sorry. Right.

Right, right, right, no, no, this is a good 'un and it's a little...

Arrr... Sorry.

You can do this. You did that on purpose.

You can do it! Go on!

Right, right, right, come on. The other side.

There's a really good piece here. I'm just going to guide it in!

Good job.

Right, right, look at that.

Maa... Momm...

You've decimated your... He's eaten so much of it.

I want Daddy's watermelon.

Did I just make it weird?

Thank you, team.

It says something that, in context, that looked like tea at the Ritz.

By comparison to what we've already seen!

That was three people having a perfectly civilised meal.

Did they eat much? Well, they ate the equivalent of a human heart

or 16 mice - they ate 331 grams.

OK. Arguably a lot harder for that team. A lot harder for that team,

but there were three of them to munch on melon,

so I'll give three points to... to the distance feeders...

These three. Yeah. Yes. And five full points

to the worst thing I've ever seen on television.

Five points to Richard and Daisy!

Right, please head up to the stage for the final task of the show!

What's happening here, then? Johnny Vegas is going to read the task.

Here we go. "Say the most different words without hesitating

"for more than two seconds."

"Any words already said will not count."

"The person who says the fewest words each round is eliminated."

"The person in last place goes first."

You'll do this task one at a time, whoever's standing on the speaking circle.

You've got to say as many words in a row as possible,

but in round one, they all have to be three letters long.

And if you pause for more than two seconds, that's the end of your go.

Mawaan is currently last, so you're going to go first.

Mawaan, please come to the speaking circle and everyone else move round.

Good luck, Mawaan. Three-letter words.

If you pause for more than two seconds, that's the end.

Good luck.

Cat, hat, fat,

tat, lat, sat, bat,

w... ha... shat...

Very clever, using "lat".

Yeah, I just know shit. Which means seven is the score to beat.

Please move round. Johnny, come to the speaking circle.

If you get over seven, you're through to round two.

Ant, mop, tea,

and...

That was more than two seconds. Four.

Four. Four. Currently, Johnny is in danger, Greg.

Yeah. Katherine, come to the speaking circle.

See, I think... I think you're going to be good at this.

You'd be wrong.

Was, vat, van,

nip, nit,...

..are, our,...

..top, lop,

cop,...

..ran,...

..ba...

I can't give you "ba", but that is 11.

Told you. She gets ruled out. A lot of words for these guys. You know me better than I thought.

Lovely work. Daisy, come to the speaking circle.

Four or more. See if she knows words

the way she knows her way around a melon.

Loo, poo,

wee, mar,

er, ram,

ska,

tar,...

..lar...

Ska as in S-K-A.

Ska the music? Yeah. Seven, I think, from Daisy.

Daisy, you're through to round two.

Richard, please come to the speaking circle.

It's the final player in round one, Greg. Yeah. Richard Herring.

Think he's going to do well. He's in the lead at the moment. Yeah.

Can he get more than four? Good luck, Richard.

Zip, zap,

zoo, why,

dug, like - dig,

dog...

Richard is through to round two. We've lost Johnny Vegas, I'm afraid.

Ahh. So, Johnny, do you mind staying up here with us anyway?

Yeah, because I love to cry in front of other people.

And if you just put one hand over your mouth, that'll be great, for the rest of the game.

OK, we're onto round two. It's four-letter words.

Mawaan, please come to the speaking circle

and everyone move round. I had loads of three ones lined up.

It's four-letter words now. Good luck, Mawaan. Your time starts...

Bear, care,

robe, zing,

can...'t,

leap-pigs...

You started saying, "leap", but then you said, "leap-pigs"?

No, I said, "leap", I started another word... "Pigs".

Mm.

No! No!

We saw your sneaky little glance back then.

Oh, please, I never went to university, I couldn't afford it.

We're stopping...

Can I just confirm, your "bear", was that B-A-R-E or B-E-A-R?

B-E-A-R. Very important. OK. He scored five.

Good luck, Katherine. Four-letter words, starting...

Bare, look, book,

took, nook, rook,

dear, tear,

wear, fear,...

..leer, rear,

mere...

..peer...

Well, that's 14. She's through to round three.

Daisy, if you get over five four-letter words, you're through to round three with Katherine.

Wank,

fuck, shit,...

..bums, tits, cock,

task, mask...

Nine. Daisy and Katherine are definitely through to round three.

Can Richard join them? Richard, come to the speaking circle.

There are no more swear words left as far as I know.

Good luck.

Four, five, tour,

your, acre,...

..s... cat.

Stopped there on six. Greg,... Yep... that gap

was two and a half seconds. Ooh.

Which means they've both got five... They're both out, I'm afraid.

They're both out in joint third.

Ooh! No... And we have our two finalists. Can't believe it.

Katherine and Daisy, please step onto the golden circles of final.

Ohh... Two very different approaches so far.

OK. So it's Katherine to go first.

Five-letter words.

Beard. Fanny.

Faded. Cocks.

Weird. Wanks.

Farted. Shits.

We cannot give you "farted". It is six letters.

Unbelievable!

Unbelievable.

May Cooper crashes through!

No-one expected that!

Come back down, we'll add all that up

and we'll see what the final scores are!

Yep, so Johnny got one point there,

Mawaan and Richard got three points each,

Katherine four, but Daisy was the winner with five points

with all those lovely words.

And that does mean she's now the series leader

by six points on 91.

But would you like to know who's won this week's episode, Greg?

More than anything. Well, with a score of 26,

he's pipped Daisy to the post. It's Richard Herring!

Ohh!

Richard wins! Go and pick up your pointy things!

Well done, Richard!

So what have we learnt today? Fruit farmers - if you're struggling

following Brexit to find staff to harvest your crops,

get Daisy May Cooper a subscription to a toilet magazine

and she'll clear a field of melons in ten minutes.

See you next time for more fun times,

but right now, here's tonight's winner again -

Richard Herring!

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