Original subtitles

You sent for me, sir?

An errand for you.

Yes sir?

Deliver this for me.

Indeed I will, sir.

God knows where this will lead.

Well, we have to find out, won't we sir?

- Oh, O'Brien. - Sir.

Keep this quiet.

Mum's the word, sir.

- Ah, signore. - Ah, good afternoon.

Would you be kind enough to deliver this for me please?

- Si. - Gmui.

Prego.

Hey, mail for you.

- Jenkins. - Yes sir.

You are to pick up Mr. Hodgkins at the Beverly Wilshire

at 9:30, deliver him to the airport.

Yes sir.

And Jenkins?

There's a labor dispute or something at the airport.

Be certain that Mr. Hodgkins doesn't encounter any riffraff.

Very good sir.

Gentlemen, allow me to say this one more time.

Ours is about to become a lost art.

We are gentlemen's gentlemen.

We're not liberal, we're not progressive,

nor are we conservative.

In fact we have no political opinions at all.

We are not interested in change.

♪ I'm busted by the things you do

♪ I know where it all leads to

♪ But you better look out yeah

♪ Better watch out here it comes

♪ I say here it comes

♪ I say here it comes

♪ Oh baby can you feel it

♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah

♪ What to do about you

♪ You'll see

♪ Is it really so strange

♪ Somethings never really change

♪ Because your mind is empty

We live in a time of fast food and wrestle mania.

Our job is to hold the line.

The philistines are at the door.

The yahoos are at the window.

They shall not pass.

I'm sorry I'm late!

Oh, oh, oh I'm sorry!

What are you doing?

I came for a job.

This is Brentwood Limousine Limited.

I know, I'm gonna be a driver.

Madam, if you continue masturbating my driver,

you are going to be a murderer.

What do you want?

Job.

- Doing what? - Driving.

Driving what?

Big black limousines, woo baby!

Goodbye.

What do you mean, goodbye?

I mean get out.

Mr. Witherspoon hired me.

Don't lie to me.

I'm not lying to you.

You're deluded.

I've never had a lude in my life!

Get me security.

My name is Casey Meadows.

Mr. Casey Meadows?

No.

It says your name.

Yes.

- You're female. - Yes I am.

And you say that Mr. Witherspoon hired you as a driver

for us?

- Bingo! - When?

- Yesterday. - How?

This dude.

What dude?

I don't know, never saw him.

There was this guy in a monkey suit left a note

where I used to work.

I just quit.

Said to be here at 8:30.

That's why I'm a little late because I had a little party

and my dog got into some of the drinks.

He had some beer and bourbon and scotch

and this morning woke up, he was so sick.

He had one of those hangovers you can't keep anything down,

you just throw up and you throw up and you throw up

so I tried to give him an Alka-Seltzer.

That's why I'm a little late.

Have you ever tried to give a dog an Alka-Seltzer?

I put it on his tongue and I held his mouth closed.

Foamed over the side.

So I think it burned his tongue 3 little bit

because he started barking and he tried to bite me

and that's real unusual for Mr. Boomerang.

Shut up!

Huh?

Mr. Witherspoon did not hire you.

Yes he did.

- He did not. - Did too.

Did not.

Call him up.

I'm going to, thank you.

Yes, Mr. Witherspoon.

McBride here.

Good morning sir.

I have a young woman with us, Miss Meadows.

She maintains that you hired her as a driver.

She is a female.

Very well sir.

Yes, we'll put her through the trial period.

Thank...

It will be a very unpleasant trial period, and a short one.

- Giles. - Yes sir?

Get her a uniform.

Hey, slow down.

What's your problem?

Where are you going, babe?

It is babe, isn't it?

A bloody female!

Never thought I'd live to see the day.

Jesus Mary and Joseph, will you give it a rest?

She'll be the death of us yet.

- You are not going to die. - Dead already.

Ain't no place for a woman.

I don't believe it, you above all people.

I should have thought you'd against this type

of segregation.

Ain't segregation.

What do you call it then?

Nature.

It's not the driving.

Oh really, what is it then?

White women.

The what?

Woman such as that don't have to work

'cause she never had to work.

All she got to do is wiggle her butt

and she can get anything she wants.

Lord deliver me!

Dropped your cards.

These are men's clothes.

It's a man's job.

Fine.

You're welcome to watch.

A woman is a horrible goddamn thing to have around.

That's the truth.

How would you know?

I've been married five times.

Then you never kept a woman around long enough

to find out, did you?

There'll be hair curlers all over the place!

Panties in the sink.

Brassieres hanging on the lamps.

There'“ be a goddamn douche bag “m the showed!

Kiss me, stupid.

Do you think the little bimbo can drive a car?

Damnit men, what are you all so hot and bothered about?

Afraid she'll open her jacket and flash her titties at you?

You couldn't handle that, could you?

I seen enough titties in my time.

I haven't.

Been 100 years since I seen a good titty.

No such thing as a bad titty.

God damnit!

There now, that's my point.

The little bimbo hasn't been here an hour

and all you hormone graveyards can talk about is nipples!

Didn't mention nipples.

We were speaking of the titty as a whole.

Oh shut up.

Well now, looks as if the little girl

is gonna put some life back in you old dinosaurs yet.

If she can drive.

Can you drive?

I can drive anything but what you call it, stick shift.

You can't drive a standard?

Then you don't have a chauffer's license.

- Oh yes I do. - How?

- Wimoweh. - What?

I used to work at Camp Wimoweh and all the counselors there

used to have class two licenses.

You used to be a school bus driver and now you want to drive limousines?

Woo baby!

Memorize this.

If you can read.

What is this?

Dawson, better get a move on.

Gotta be at the Hyatt by 10.

Yes sir I think our little girl

is gonna fit in just fine.

- Stop! - No!

- Come back here! - Why?

- What'd you give me that thing for? - Those are the rules.

- They're stupid. - You don't like them?

- Quit. - You quit!

I've been with mean old assholes like you all my life.

Well you certainly talk like a lady.

I'm not a lady.

I can see that.

You like making people look up to you, don't you?

I don't make the rules around here.

You don't make them but you love them!

You go by the book or get out.

Fine, I'm gone!

What's the trouble, dear heart?

Don't touch me!

She's too good for us.

I came here to drive, not kiss ass.

Kiss...

Ah yes.

Henry, I left the boys deserted in there.

Would you go and sit in for me?

Now, Henry.

Thank you, you're most gracious.

Oh dear oh dear oh dear.

You look like a cat's tail.

Listen.

Would you consider taking a little stroll with me?

There's something I'd like you to see.

I don't suck up to people!

I don't care what that book says.

Oh I agree.

I drive, they can open up their own goddamn doors!

I hear you.

I don't say sir to anybody.

I understand dear heart, really I do.

Now will you take that little walk with me?

There's something I'd like you to see.

What is it?

She's a rare and beautiful work of art, is she not?

What's she cost?

Ah, the money is not important, child.

This your car?

Mr. Witherspoon set me up with her 20 years ago.

Go ahead, touch her.

You can feel it in your fingertips, can you not?

Take a look at that grill.

One man alone with his own hands made that.

I met him once.

Real artist.

The whole car is a rolling work of art.

Just to sit in her makes you a better person

and that's our real job, child.

The world is dying for a bit of beauty.

And for a while, we can deliver that.

Will this be my car?

Ah, in good time love, in good time.

Do you got your first assignment?

Ah, good.

Alright in that case maybe you can do with this

gohicle here.

Ooh baby!

It's a fitting car for a rookie!

Go get 'em girl!

Tally-ho!

♪ Just when I had almost

♪ Forgotten all about her

♪ The memory fell back into place

♪ The dream returned right to me

♪ See my life as dueling

♪ Confronting my familiar embrace

♪ Round and round and round I go

♪ Though I try I can't let it go

♪ Round and round and round she goes

♪ Wherever she may be she knows

♪ She knows

How long do you think the little bimbo will last?

She won't make a week.

10 bucks she don't make three days.

Alright bucko, you're on.

You're out 10 bucks.

Oh yes, why pray?

McBride gave her that rock and roll moron.

The animal?

Yep, she'll be out before morning.

He gave her the animal for her first assignment?

- It's a hard life. - Shit.

Care to raise the stakes?

She can't handle that for her first time out.

What's his name, Dog Bite?

- Cat Fight. - Yeah.

He's a vile, foul-mouthed animal.

Hello?

Hello, is there anybody home?

Rise and shine!

Take off your clothes and get into bed.

Excuse me, I'm here to take you to the concert.

Eat me.

That's my job.

Mr. Cat Fight.

Mr. Fight.

This is my first day on the job.

God, would you just shut up?

Really!

You guys, I'm just trying...

Knock it off!

People, I hate to cut your nap short,

but I think you should get your butts out of bed!

Who the fuck are you?

The chauffer.

Whose chauffer?

Your chauffer.

Yeah, well you know what I did to me last female chauffer?

No.

Stripped her and lit her pubes on fire.

That was the astrologer.

Oh, well what'd I do to the chauffer?

You knocked her up.

Oh yeah.

Bullshit.

What do you mean bullshit?

You never had a female chauffer.

- All men. - That's a fact.

I banged a dude?

- Not the first time. - What?

Stewardess?

That bird was a bloke.

Yep.

What do you mean, I've been packing fudge?

You got it.

God, I must be losing me fucking marbles.

I hate to interrupt here,

but I have to take you to a concert.

Hey!

Perky tits!

Who the hell are you?

I'm your driver!

- You work for me? - Yes!

Then take off your clothes and get into bed.

You have a lot of people waiting for you at that concert

right now.

Fuck 'em!

That's my job.

Now everybody just shut up.

Mr. Fight, if I don't get you on stage on time,

I'm going to lose my job.

Good, now shut your face.

Oh you fucking bitch!

You're gonna be one bleedin' piece of meat!

Sweet young girl like that up against such slime.

On her first day.

It's a plot, that's what it is.

He's trying to get her fired.

You figured that out, did you?

Ready to go to work now?

Fuckin' A.

They don't know how to treat artists.

Mozart, they let Mozart starve to death.

And Beethoven went deaf.

Yeah and poor old Sid Vicious, well...

Shut up!

You steely eyed little bitch!

You'll be sorry when I'm gone.

Stop the car.

Stop the fucking car!

Jesus jumping Christ, look!

What?

A blue woman with a blue dog.

- No. - Yeah!

- She ain't blue. - Her hair's blue.

That counts.

- Dog's blue. - That's 20,000 points!

Gotta get her underwear.

I'll get 'em.

What are you people talking about?

You shut up and keep the motor running.

♪ What I got ain't what I want

♪ What I want ain't what I got

♪ Lord I tried but I'm never satisfied

♪ What I got ain't what I want

I want them panties.

Give me them panties.

You little slut, I want them panties!

Gimme them panties!

Gimme them panties.

♪ Lord I tried but I'm never satisfied

♪ What I got ain't what I want

Just give them to me you old bat.

I'll smash your ugly little head!

20,000 fucking points!

♪ What I got ain't what I want at all

♪ What I got ain't what I want

♪ What I want ain't what I got

♪ Lord I tried but I'm never satisfied

♪ What I got ain't what I want

What the hell was all that?

Just a game.

I got 32,000 points now.

He's leading.

All I got to do now is find a one-legged nun

walking a goat and I win.

- Fat chance. - You watch.

♪ Fire

♪ Fire

♪ Won't someone help with my fire

♪ Fire

♪ Fire

Where is he where is he where is he where is he?

I cannot believe this, we're running out of time.

♪ I can't explain but it gets me down

♪ Every time my head is upside down

♪ Got a feeling that it's in my brain

♪ I'm so in love and I'm in pain

♪ I could get you in my house

♪ Everything been's running north and south

♪ I got you in my bed

♪ But the feeling's going out of my head

♪ You've gotta run til you drop from exhaustion

♪ Can't feel no pain 'cause my body turns numb

♪ And when I'm finally there

♪ And you think you're accomplished

♪ You've really done really nothing at all

♪ Fire

♪ Fire

♪ Won't someone help with my fire

♪ Fire

♪ Fire

♪ I'm burning up from inside

♪ Wowee

♪ Fire

♪ Fire

♪ Won't someone help with my fire

♪Oh

♪ Fire

♪ Fire

Do I need this aggravation?

Believe me I do not need this aggravation.

♪ Fire

♪ Fire

♪ Fire

♪ Won't someone help with my fire

We're running out of time, I can see this,

lawsuits all over the place.

The stadium, the concession people, individual,

200 individuals who think they're gonna make money off me!

Where is this asshole?

Hey I got him, I got him.

Out of the way people, come on out of the way.

Come on.

Yeah I'll have 'em on stage in 20 seconds.

Yeah, out of the way.

♪ Come on baby

♪ Hold my hand

♪ We'll go swimming in the Rio Grande

♪ Do you wanna

♪ Do you wanna

♪ Do you wanna

♪ Be my baby

♪ Be my baby

♪ Be my baby now

♪ Be my baby

♪ Be my baby

♪ Be my baby now

♪ Be my baby

♪ Be my baby

♪ Be my baby now

Never in the 40 year history of

Brentwood Limousine Limited

has an assignment been so bolqued.

I don't know what that word means.

Do you know what these are?

No.

These are complaints from all over town about your

escapades last night.

The motel manager claims that you were seen

in one of his rooms in the company of a throng

of naked women with a client.

Highly professional.

Woman says that you and your friends tried to rape her

and her dog.

She was worth 20,000 points.

You are dismissed.

Fine!

Then get out!

Excuse me, Mr. McBride.

Yes sir.

Yeah I just wanted to come by here myself and thank you.

Little lady here pulled off a miracle last night.

Miracle, yes.

The first time in that asshole, my client's whole career

he's ever been on time.

Thanks.

Sure.

Yeah my boss called up Mr. Witherspoon,

he's gonna double his contract with you people.

How nice.

And, uh, here's something for you, eh.

Don't spend it all in one place.

Don't get your nipples hard, you got a long way to go

before you're hired.

One more and you're out.

I'm sorry sir.

Don't pay you to be sorry.

Sir, I've been up all night typing these.

I haven't been to bed yet.

Supposed to be on my desk at nine o'clock.

It's only 9:15.

It's late.

Yes sir.

We've got a bid on the Marshall property, sir.

- How much? - Three million.

Hold for four.

But sir, they've got cash.

They don't have enough cash.

Yes sir.

Biloxi plant wants a 7% raise for its people in '86.

No.

What do I tell them?

You tell them no.

Good afternoon, sir.

I've brought your ice cream.

How many years have you been sneaking ice cream

past my doctor?

Oh, about 20 years, sir.

Jeremy, of all the people who work in all my companies,

you're the only one I truly trust.

Well, we go a long way back, don't we sir?

Why won't you let me give you a decent job?

I'm a driver sir.

My father before me was a driver.

And his father before him drove a buggy for Queen Victoria.

I didn't know that.

Oh yes indeed sir.

And besides, I wouldn't know what to do behind a desk.

I understand.

How's the girl doing?

Well, she's got a lot of her mother in her, sir.

I'm not surprised.

Does she look like her mother?

She is the spitting image of Lydia sir, at that age.

Then she's a beauty.

Oh indeed she is, sir.

That she is.

I think it's time I had a look at her.

Just leave it to me sir, I'll take care of it.

♪ What Will I do

What's the matter, darling?

My stomach hurts.

Oh you poor pet.

Got the very thing for you.

Here.

Try a little drop of Irish.

Bring you into the ring of the pink of condition.

- Mm. - How's that feel?

- Good. - Good.

Listen me ol' darling, I was just wondering.

Could you help an old man out of a spot?

Name it.

Well, it's our silver anniversary today

and the missus will skin me alive if I don't get her

a little something.

Oh, that's sweet.

We've been married 20 years so I thought I'd get her

- a silver spoon. - Crystal.

A crystal spoon?

Crystal anniversary, 20 years is crystal.

Oh I see, I see.

Ah, you're very smart, to know that now huh?

Thank you.

Then you'll take my assignment for me, will you?

Oh good.

Very simple, all you got to do is to pick Mr. Roosevelt up

in front of the bank and drop him off at his club.

Nothing to it.

You got it.

You're a grand darling girl.

I'm glad someone thinks so.

Oh, don't let those old bastards in there grind you down.

Stuff on them.

Try not to.

That's me darling girl.

Oh, incidentallly.

Would you like to take my car?

You got it!

Good morning, Mr. Witherspoon.

Good morning, Mr. Witherspoon.

Good morning.

Are you Mr. Roosevelt?

And who might you be?

My name is Casey Meadows.

- Is it indeed? - Yes.

Well then I must be Mr. Roosevelt.

After you.

After you.

Doolittle, would you just sit down?

Speed it up.

I've got to pick up Mr. Henderson in 20 minutes.

Don't hurry me.

Moses, no one on earth could hurry you.

You're slower than my papa's old mule.

Had a mule, did you?

Yep, mule, pigs, chickens.

Ah, my grandfather had a mule.

Drove a buggy for Queen Victoria.

To hell with you now!

The queen of England was never pulled by a mule!

Oh, you were there I suppose.

Her majesty is pulled by six gleaming white stallions.

This was a snow white mule.

You sure it wasn't a snow white kangaroo

and her majesty just climbed on its back and

hopped off to court?

Jenkins, you have a very low constitution.

Good morning, Mr. McBride.

Where's the tart?

- The girl? - She ain't come in yet.

Where is the car?

She's on assignment sir.

I didn't give her an assignment.

Ah yes well oh now I remember.

She has taken the car to have the engine looked at.

She's gone to pick up Witherspoon.

Is she now?

What do you think I am, an idiot?

♪ I don't like riding the bus

♪ I don't like riding the bus

♪ I swear I've had enough

♪ I don't like riding the bus

♪ I don't like having exact change ready

♪ Or saying transfer please

Attention.

You have made an illegal entry.

You are now a prisoner of Brentwood Limousine.

Oh shit.

If you resist, you will be tranquilized.

Shut up!

Attention.

You are now being tranquilized.

Attention.

You are now a prisoner of Brentwood Limousine.

Attention.

Help!

Help me!

You have made an illegal entry.

Open the goddamn door!

You give up now?

I give up, open the goddamn door!

What?

The door, open the goddamn door!

You give up?

I give up, now open the goddamn door!

The door, the door, open the goddamn door!

A prisoner of Brentwood Limousine.

Thanks.

Attention.

- Get away from me! - No!

Stop following me!

Colleen, get back in the car,

I'm not gonna tell you again.

I don't work for you, you don't tell me what to do!

Yeah right.

Get back in the car now!

Fuck you!

What did you say?

Come here!

- Watch your mouth! - Leave me alone!

Stop it!

Knock it off, right now.

Put me down now!

We'll talk about it in the car.

Unlock the damn door!

Get in the car, move it!

Sit down.

Move the damn car!

Where to?

3251 Beverly Glen.

Colleen, why are you doing this?

I want out.

What happened?

- Nothing. - Don't lie to me!

Don't tell me what to do.

- You're just walking off! - That's right.

Speak to me, what happened?

I'm pregnant!

That's wonderful.

No Battle, it's terrible.

- Why is it terrible? - Because it's not your baby.

Look I'm sorry, I didn't want to have to tell you like this.

I tried not to.

Now just let me go.

When did this happen, who did it?

It doesn't matter.

Like hell it doesn't.

Why, what are you gonna do?

You gonna beat him up, you gonna kill him?

You gonna buy him out, huh?

You know what I might do.

I don't want to know.

You're making a big mistake here,

you have no idea what you're doing!

Don't lecture me!

You don't know how to run your life, you never have!

I am tired of you running it!

I'm willing to forget!

God, you don't know why I'm doing this, do you?

No.

Well maybe you can understand this.

I am in love with someone else.

I am having his baby.

And I will do anything else I have to

to get you out of my life.

Alright!

What?

We're here.

Take care of him.

Excuse me?

We've been driving around in circles for two hours,

I'm getting dizzy.

Do you want me to take you somewhere?

No.

Nowhere, you just wanna sit here?

Yeah.

There's a bar in the cabinet, do you want a drink?

Don't drink.

Until now.

No, I'll fix it.

Oh mister, you gotta stop!

You gotta stop!

No!

- Ah! - No!

You gotta hold it down!

You gotta be quiet.

I know it's bad, I got dumped one time.

I thought I would die.

Worst feeling in the world!

Oh nothing hurts like love.

Oh I know.

No! Oh yeah!

Oh mister you can't do that!

You don't know how sick you're gonna be!

I just went through this with my dog.

Fucking bitch!

There you go!

Screw her!

- That's right! - Yeah!

I didn't like her anyway!

She smells funny.

Yeah, ew!

- I'm free! - Free!

- I'm free. - Free!

- Free! - Free!

Free, free, free, free!

Free, free, free!

I'm going, I'm going, I'm outta here, I'm going.

Where?

- Nevermind. - Where?

♪ Open wide

♪ The doctor's here

♪ The room is fine

♪ Got nothing to fear

♪ Strap 'em down

♪ We're outta gas

♪ Stop your bawling

♪ You little brat

♪ Come get this over with

Yee haw!

Mister, you gotta stop this!

Can I help?

Are you kidding me, a baby?

Hi boys.

Hi.

Shit.

- Battle? - Yeah?

Battle?

Where do you live?

Where's your wallet?

Where is your wallet?

He lost his wallet.

You need dog tags!

What am I supposed to do with you?

At least you have your pants on.

Move your head.

You gotta be quiet, you'll scare my landlady.

Oh, landlady, lady, stop pushing!

Oh mama!

Oh my gosh.

Landlord!

- Oh god! - No, hold it down, brother.

Where am I?

Who are you?

Huh?

- What am I doing here? - I brought you here.

Why?

You were so drunk you couldn't walk.

What's the matter with you?

I don't like waking up in servants' quarters.

Send me a bill.

How am I gonna send you anything?

I don't even know your name!

Yesterday you were seen chasing a naked man

around Goldwater Park.

Seems like rather a tame day for you.

- There more? - No.

- Pull up any skirts? - No.

Is it impossible for you to address me as sir?

Yes.

Miss Meadows, you've not worked here one single day

that a complaint has not been phoned in about you.

I know.

This is your trial period.

Just fire the little bitch.

Giles, you had a bug up your butt long as I've known you.

Young woman, do you really want to work here?

Yes.

Why?

I love the cars.

- Hello Father. - Hello Son.

Here are the quarterlies.

Son, sit down.

I'm your father, yes?

Yes sir.

- But I'm also your boss. - Yes sir.

- Now you listen to me. - Yes sir.

You work too goddamn hard!

Well I know that but I have a...

You run six companies for me.

Work seven days a week, never sleep.

I heard your girlfriend left you.

Who told you?

It doesn't matter.

I'll bet you don't even know why, do you?

No.

If I was her, I would have left.

Now you listen to me, here's what you're gonna do.

You're gonna take some time and go up to the wine country,

that's an order!

Check on the vineyard.

It's probably the closest I'll ever get

you to take a vacation.

And drive, damnit.

The long, slow way.

You take a plane I'll beat your butt.

I'll have McBride send you a car and driver.

Father, I really don't need a vacation...

Yes you do now son listen to me.

You've got the disease.

You're becoming a goddamn machine, look at you.

You can't even stop work for two minutes.

You're getting old before your time.

Now don't push it, boy.

Come soon enough, believe me.

Yes sir.

Shit.

You!

Who are you?

Who are you?

I never did get your name.

Call me another driver.

There are no other drivers.

Wrong.

No, it's true.

They send me out last.

You get me, you've hit bottom.

I'm the last cookie in the jar.

Fine, you drive, but you keep your mouth shut.

Yes boss.

Boss man, yo boss man.

- Yeah? - Where to?

Sonoma.

Sonoma?

You heard me.

That is

Just move it.

Oh, eat me.

What did you say?

Will we be stopping for lunch?

♪ She can't see

♪ The things he does behind her back

♪ 'Cause if she did

♪ Oh I know she wouldn't put up with that

♪ She wouldn't talk to him anymore

♪ She wouldn't even open the door

♪ Love is blind deaf and dumb

♪ She ain't mine but the day will come

♪ I treat her right

This is crazy, it's not like we don't know each other.

You gotta talk to me.

Oh, that's very mature, very grown up, very adult.

I like people that can express themselves openly

and share their feelings.

♪ The things he says when she's not there

♪ For she'd be mad

♪ But for now she pretends not to care

Uh oh.

♪ She thinks she's the only one

♪ She thinks they're in love...

Mister, we've gotta stop.

What are we stopping for?

- We have to. - Drive.

What do you think, I'm gonna make a pass at you?

Get moving, will you?

God damnit, wait!

Ow!

I doubt that you can steer in that position.

God damnit, put the window down!

Take your butt off the ceiling and put it back

in the seat, drive the car.

I can't dr...

I can't drive.

I've noticed.

- The car is overheating. - So are you.

Now move it.

We've gotta stop!

I'll make that decision.

What decision?

When to stop.

Mister, we're out in the middle of nowhere.

You push a hot engine you're gonna blow a gasket.

That's your job.

What's my job?

To maintain the car.

This car has a brain of its own!

I'm glad one of you does.

What's your problem?

Right now, you.

Move the car.

Fine!

You wanna blow a gasket, we'll blow a gasket.

Ruin the car, in fact I don't care about this goddamn car,

I don't even own it.

We'll just go out and blow it up together, it'll be fine.

I suppose you're happy about this, aren't you?

No!

Get on the phone, call for help right now.

We're out of range.

How far to the vineyard?

80 miles.

How far to the nearest town?

80 miles.

Oh fine!

That's a chimney.

That's 20 miles away.

They'll have a telephone.

Whoa big fella, let's just...

Hands off of me.

Fine.

Let's just stay by the car and hitch a ride.

I don't hitchhike.

Oh well excuse me.

I do.

I'll just, go over...

You're gonna leave me out here by myself?

Yes ma'am!

♪ I could never make up my mind

♪ Love is blind deaf and dumb

♪ She ain't mine but the day will come

♪ Treat her right take her from you

♪ Hey Hitler can we slow down a little

- Nope. - Are you sure

there's a farmhouse up here?

Yep.

Maybe it was a mirage.

Stop talking.

Oh, what are you gonna do, fire me?

You're already fired.

Alright, who the hell do you think you are?

I'm talking to you.

I'm not listening to you!

You better listen to me!

Why in the hell should I listen to you?

I've got something you should know!

Look anything you gotta say I don't need to know!

Oh.

Happy now?

Now I understand what used to happen

to those dinosaurs in the tar pits.

Boy, I bet you an archaeologist would love to see this.

Maybe, oh they'll dig you up a million years from now,

perfectly preserved, early Neanderthal man.

It wouldn't dawn on them

that you were actually a very retarded

form of modern man.

You've got too much monkey in you.

I know!

I'll leave a note!

Dear future archaeologists.

What you see here is not an ape.

He is the last of a very ignorant form of Homo Sapiens.

In the late 20th century who would not listen to women.

Who would not take their advice.

And under no circumstances whatsoever would he

ask a woman for help.

Oh.

So he died.

I hope you find a nice museum to put him in.

You think this is very funny, don't you?

Am I laughing?

I don't need your help!

I can see that.

As I see it, you could ask for help or you could

slip back down into that hole and die.

How about it?

Give me your hand.

Wait, now.

Did I hear the magic word?

Please.

With pleasure.

There ya go.

You look like a unicorn.

My my, it's very hot.

Thank god it's not sticky.

I just hate it when it's sticky.

Listen to silly me.

A sticky desert.

That's as foolish as an intelligent woman.

How ridiculous.

What nonsense.

God, I miss Tara.

Slow down!

This is crazy, it's not funny anymore!

We're gonna die out here!

Keep walking.

Why don't you get a boat and come back and get me?

God, I hate rain, I hate getting wet.

Oh, I hate to get wet!

Ow, oh no, I hurt myself!

What's wrong?

Nothing, nothing, nothing!

Come on, come on, get up.

No, I just wanna stay here!

Fine, fine!

Hello!

Jumping Jesus God almighty!

Can we use your phone?

What the hell happened to you?

Our car overheated.

What car?

- Back at the highway. - What highway?

101.

You walked 25 miles through the desert?

Can we use your phone?

It's broke.

Well can you give us a ride into town?

Car's been broke six months.

Why didn't you get it fixed?

We're broke.

And what's wrong with us, you can't fix.

Come on in out of the rain, god damnit!

Spend the night!

Phone lines'll be up in the morning.

We got a spare bed.

It broke too.

Broke that ourselves.

Ain't that right?

Maybe you two can break it a little more.

Jesus gosh!

You kids gonna catch pneumonia.

You come with me.

Come get out of them clothes.

Here she is.

Who are you?

You really don't know.

No.

What are you, a Kennedy?

No.

I've never met you before all this, have I?

No.

I'm gonna tell you something very strange.

Every time I look at you I feel like I know you.

- You feel that way? - No.

Do you believe in reincarnation?

No I don't.

Neither do I.

But I do believe in ghosts and I believe

in life on other planets and I know for a fact

whales have a higher intelligence level than human beings.

Shut up and get in bed here.

You do not tell me what to do!

I'm sorry.

You do not order me around!

My mistake.

I saw what you did with your girlfriend.

She's not my girlfriend!

Well good for you.

Calm down.

Don't tell me to calm down!

Fine!

You have a lot to learn about women.

Oh, don't tell me what I got to learn.

I know about you.

You don't know anything about me.

I see how you treat women.

Back off.

You treat them like rats.

That's enough!

You boss everybody around.

I do not!

You do too!

And everybody doesn't work for you and you don't

own the world!

You're pushing it.

Didn't your dad ever teach you a little thing

about humility?

Wait a minute, now you're way out of line here!

No you're way out of line and don't try to pull

that military bullshit with me!

I'm not trying to pull anything,

I'm trying to get you in bed!

Well then try something different!

Oh no you don't, don't go to sleep.

What?

You did this to me last time.

Did What?

You're gonna wake up and be an asshole.

And not talk to me anymore.

No I won't.

How do I know that's true?

Because I'm a new man.

You swear?

I swear.

Go to sleep.

What's your full name?

Dr. Jekyll.

Excuse me sir.

What is it, O'Brien?

It's about the girl.

I was wondering would you know where she is?

She's on assignment.

Yes but she wasn't here this morning.

She left yesterday.

Oh I see, an overnight job.

That's right.

Don't worry, O'Brien.

Mr. Witherspoon's little friend is just fine.

She'd better be, sir.

Is that a threat?

No sir, no.

That is a fact.

Good morning.

Do you remember me?

Marry me.

Oh, you remember me.

Down the aisle.

You're one very weird man.

- I mean it. - Mean what?

I want you to be my wife.

Right.

- Say yes. - No.

Why?

I don't know you.

You know me.

I do know you.

What's your name?

Doesn't matter.

I do like you a lot, but you're awfully odd.

Who are you?

You don't want to know.

What are you, a convict?

You'd better give me an answer.

You're serious, aren't you?

I'm very serious.

This is all going too fast.

Just slow down and let's get dressed.

Get out of here and walk.

Hi guys!

Oh there you are.

Where the hell have you been?

I don't care where you've been.

Look where you are now!

Get your wicked little butt out of our room.

For god's sake, Jenkins.

- Your room? - Our room.

Not you too.

She got no business in here.

Now goddamnit that's it, all of you!

Go on now, get out of here!

How come?

Because you don't belong here.

This is the drivers' room.

This is the men's room.

Where's the toilet?

That's it girl, you tell 'em.

You get the hell out of this room right now.

Oh, what are you so worried about?

I'm not gonna get girly bugs on you.

We change our clothes in here.

If I see something I haven't seen before,

I'll throw a rock at it!

You won't be throwing rocks at my John Thomas.

Now go on, get out!

- Now! - Move it!

March!

You guys.

Come on darling.

You and I can find much better company in a morgue.

I don't want to spend time with these gentlemen.

Let's go find a stranger.

I've always relied on the kindness of strangers.

For all my needs.

Why good morning, Mr. Battle.

Billy Ray.

Could I get you something, sir?

No, no thank you.

Oh, Billy Ray, orange juice.

What the hell's happened?

You look like you enjoyed your trip.

Good news.

Good, I need some good news.

I'm getting married.

You and Colleen got back together?

No, it's not Colleen.

- Who? - It's one of your drivers.

The girl?

No, it's Doolittle, we're leaving for Vegas tonight.

Boy, does she know who you are?

Does she know you're my son?

No, I spared her that.

Why, don't you think you're rushing this?

Yes, we are.

Don't you want to try to get to know her

a little better first?

I can't explain this but I feel as though

I've known her my whole life.

Billy Ray, get O'Brien over here.

- We have a problem. - Yes sir.

Coffee please, very strong.

And very black.

God damn you LaRou Lamet!

I'm sorry Charmaine!

Sorry don't count.

- I know. - You don't know jack shit.

Do you see this dress?

It's very pretty.

Yes well it better be because it cost me $150

and do you see these shoes?

They cost me $75 and the more money you spend on shoes

the less you can walk in them, do you understand?

We don't have to walk.

Well how the hell are we gonna get there, crawl?

We can catch the bus.

This is my one opportunity to go to a party

and meet somebody important and I'm not going

on no goddamn bus.

I trusted you.

You told me that you were gonna get a car.

They turned down my loan.

Well what made you think the bank was gonna

give you a loan anyway?

I was gonna get it through my school.

School my ass, you're a janitor.

I go to night school.

Yeah and I guess you're gonna be a lawyer.

Yes I am.

You a liar.

Why didn't you call me this afternoon

and tell me that you did not have a car?

'Cause my uncle Charles said he was gonna take us.

Well your uncle Charles is off drunk somewhere as usual.

Yeah I guess he is.

But how could I have known?

Knowing your uncle Charles you should have guessed.

Mr. Lamet, your car is here.

Your uncle wasn't able to come.

He left instructions with me to pick you up.

I'm a bit late.

Please forgive me.

Oh, oh, that's alright, no harm done.

Thank you.

You're welcome, sir.

Marry me.

No.

I don't know what I've done to make you so mean.

You just tell me what it is and I'll make it up to you.

You just give me the word.

I'll cut your grass, wash your dog, butter your toast.

But until you tell me what I've done wrong,

we're gonna be stuck out in the cold.

Smart, aren't ya.

Not really.

Nice talking to ya, babe.

It is babe, isn't it?

Your excellency, do you want to wait for your bodyguard?

What do you mean, what do I look like, his manicurist?

I'm his body guard.

I'm his American bodyguard.

You see that?

He's got a whole bunch of bodyguards.

Those towel heads out there,

those are his Arabian bodyguards.

They protect him from sandstorms coming up in his face,

camel farts make him nervous

and I protect him from those guys

'cause there was an article in Scientific American

and it said that these Iranian guys,

they get the sun beating on their head and they go wacky,

they get out of the sun they go apeshit and they attack

their superiors, they kill generals and stuff.

And so I'm here to protect him from them.

Is that alright with you, your excellency?

Of course it's alright, his bodyguard.

Why wouldn't it be alright?

Just drive, would you?

Just don't ask no more questions, drive.

Where to, the embassy?

Embassy, come on man.

What planet are you from, sugartits, Saturn

with the rings around your head?

The embassy club, they ain't had a party at the embassy club

for 18 months and I was there, I was at that party,

it was okay, but they're gone now.

What do you wanna do?

You wanna party, you wanna get down?

'Cause go to Alvarado and Sunset and step on it, okay?

Can't go to the embassy club, no.

So you're all set man, you are boarding

the fun time express, what's your name man, eh?

I'm Bone, I'm Bone man, nice to meet you, Bone.

Now what's your name, huh?

What's your name?

Abdul, right?

Abdul, hey, nice to meet you man.

Abdul, my name's Bone, I'm gonna tell you why I'm here.

I am here to save you some money.

I was watching your whole operation,

it's a good operation, it's real good, but you've got

all them dune dumpers and camel jockeys running around.

You got what, four, five of them?

How much you paying them guys, like 150 a week American?

I'll tell you how you can save some money.

First of all you hire Bone, you already done that,

you'll be taken care of.

But first thing I'm gonna do is tell you how

to carry your money.

You don't carry your money right here.

Someone could come along, they can just steal the money,

they can just have the money.

Next thing I'm gonna tell you is why do you have

those guys along with you?

You got the guys along with you so that you can

make appointments.

Important man like yourself you've got to be on time

for all these things when you wanna buy out

like whole corporations in the US,

you can't be 10 minutes late.

You know one of the major problems here

is you ain't got a good watch.

Oh yeah, this watch is, I mean this is a good watch,

I'd neverjive you and say this wasn't a good watch.

This is a very good watch, I like this watch,

but this watch doesn't help you at all.

Here's the watch I got right here,

this is a calculator watch.

Okay, okay.

So you can figure out how many barrels of crude

you're selling, but it also has got an alarm on it, okay.

80 say you got an appointment to buy out

a cinema corporation in the USA, you set it for like

10 minutes before the appointment, then you can get there.

Okay now I'm gonna give you this watch

and you're a buddy of mine, I like you a lot,

but the problem with you is I can't take this watch

for this high tech thing.

This is just an old piece of junk.

This is an antique basically.

Hold onto it for 200 years, you could sell it

for 100 bucks more but now it's not really worth that much.

So what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna take this watch,

you take that watch, you enjoy it, put it on.

All that's gonna cost you is 100 bucks

which I'll take right here myself.

Are you familiar with this game?

This is the game called the oil baron.

The oil baron and the dry wells.

This here is the oil baron, see that right here?

That's the oil baron, that's you.

That is Abdul Clampett, okay?

He's got all this crude around and these are two dry wells

and all you gotta try to do is you gotta try to find

you gotta try to find the oil baron.

Okay there it is right there, keep your eye on it,

there we go.

Oil sheik's right there, okay, there he goes,

and where is he?

Okay he's right there.

You're good at this game man,

you are damn good at this game.

I may be in real trouble here.

Okay let's say since you're so good at it

I'm a sporting guy let's do it this time for the ring.

Okay, don't do it for the ring, hey, back off,

I don't need that at all.

All we're gonna do is do it a little bit

for your money, okay.

Give you a little money here,

I'll put up some of my money and you put up some of

your money, okay, and you hold onto that right there.

Okay so here we go now you watch closely now.

Keep this straight for me, would ya?

I'm trying to work here.

Now you see you got your oil sheik here.

Okay now where's the oil sheik at, tell me,

where's the oil sheik, where's the oil sheik?

Ah, you got dry well again Dul, you got a dry well

Abdul my man.

I'll take some of your money back.

And I'm hold onto this.

As a matter of fact let me see these other stakes

that are going up.

We need a little bit to have fun with.

You don't want to squander your money man.

Let's play for the watch.

Let me just take this watch, I like this watch

and Abdul I'll take it back because you know

you can always buy another one with all the money you got.

Okay now watch closely.

This is for the watch, this is for the watch.

Straighten this out, straighten this out.

Here we go.

Here's the oil sheik, okay, here we go.

Watch him closely, where's he at, where's he at?

Where's that oil sheik?

Where is he, where is he?

Ah you got a dry well.

Man I got the watch.

But listen, we're having a lot of fun, aren't we?

And I got the wallet, okay, I'll take care of that,

that's part of the job as bodyguard

and I'm kinda giving you entertainment here.

The problem is man you're going to my club

and this is the club that I hang in.

And the problem is I'm gonna be walking in with a guy

who's dressed like a waterbed and I don't mind that,

I don't mind ever the way someone's dressed

but you've got to have the proper attitude,

we've got to get you a 'tude.

See it doesn't matter how you dress and how you look.

Even a guy like you can get laid but you've gotta

have the proper 'tude.

Now you work on that, okay.

That goes for you too, sugartits.

A lot of 'tude for us.

Now just chow down on the whole thing.

Blow it out now.

That's good, that's good.

You've got a whole box, I've got another box

in my pocket here.

Come out Abdul my friend, you're about to enter Oz

come on with me.

Come on, you're coming with me.

I'm on duty.

Hey tonight you're working for Abdul and Bone

and the job description is to party.

♪ All I can do for love

♪ It seems so hard to say what I'm feeling

♪ If you knew these things you wouldn't either

♪ Believe me

♪ Hold on, that's all I can do

♪ Hold on

♪ To keep us both together

♪ Kinda like a monkey kiss

♪ Kinda like a twist

♪ Pretend you're underwater mama go like this

♪ Try to call you on the telephone

♪ But your brother says you're not at home

♪ All I wanna do is talk to you

♪ Until I get just one more dance with you

♪ Hold on

♪ Hold on

♪ Hold on

♪ Hold on

Mr. Witherspoon, I'm late with these again.

What can I say?

I'm sorry.

What time did you get here this morning?

This morning?

6:30.

So you been here 17 hours.

Yes sir.

You know what I am?

No sir.

I'm a horse's ass.

Sir?

How long have you worked for me?

Three years.

When was the last time I gave you a raise?

I've never given you a raise, have I?

No sir.

Why do you still work here?

I have a little girl and-...

You been working with me every day for three years

and I didn't even know you had a daughter.

What's her name?

Amy

Amy

Georgia, first thing Monday morning you go down to personnel

you ask for Mr. McCray.

You tell him two things.

You tell him to give you a raise and you tell him

how much you want.

Um, you want me to set my own salary?

Mr. Witherspoon, I wouldn't know how much to ask.

You don't ask, you tell him.

How do I decide how much?

You and Amy can figure that out.

Thank you sir.

Friar?

Yes sir?

What time did you get here this morning?

And now it is time for the gratuitous nudity.

You guys supply the nudity,

my man Abdul supplies the gratuity okay.

As you can see he's not dressed appropriately

for the United States of America

and all the stores are closed, I need to buy a shirt

for him somebody so my man Abdul looks okay.

How much is that shirt, how much for the shirt here?

$50?

$50, can't do it, I can't do $50, I can't do $50.

All I got is $100 bill.

How about $100 bill?

That'd do it, come on, give it off.

Hey Abdul, this may seem a little expensive, 100 bucks

for this shirt but I'll tell ya this is the finest material.

This thing won't stain man.

You can put out cigarettes on this thing for all I care.

This is a fine shirt, it is a fine garment,

and the lady does not know how to slipknot.

I got a skirt.

- You got a skirt? - Yeah.

How much for the skirt, how much for the skirt?

How about 200 for the skirt?

That's okay.

Can you get that thing off?

Listen if you have a little more trouble getting

that skirt off I'll give you another 100.

All you gotta do Abdul is you see something you like

you just point to it like you say I want that,

I need that t-shirt to keep the sweat off me

and give it to her like that and take it off,

now be a gentleman about it.

Give her a hand Abdul, get your hands in there.

You're a gentleman.

What else you want, you just point to it man.

You want this, you want this, we give her some money

and off it comes, that's the way we play this game.

- This is our harem version. - Yeah.

This is the version of a harem that's in this country.

Okay how about the skirt, I think the skirt should come off.

Abdul, this is good.

You're gonna be able to sell, how much for that?

How much for that?

Get that skirt off over there Abdul,

you're gonna look good with the camels here,

you'll look real good with the camels.

You wearing that.

I wanna sell mine!

Okay you'll be able to sell yours.

Okay, I'll give you another 100.

How you doing over there, you doing alright over there?

Abdul, see, this is the way we have fun

in the United States of America.

I wanna sell something.

You wanna sell something, I don't know what you got.

You just got this schmatta here, we can't use that.

Abdul would look ridiculous wearing that.

We just can't do that at all.

Abdul, my man Abdul points, we buy.

He can wear it at the beach.

Okay, there we go.

Wait a second.

Here is $500 and I'll tell you part of what

we're paying for is you taking it off

so you do it real nice for us,

we'll sit back and kind of enjoy it, okay.

Oh my god, $500!

Just take off the clothes.

Give her a hand Abdul, be a gentleman my man,

be a gentleman.

Absa-butt-fucking-Illinois right that's what

we're talking about.

Here we go, that's very good.

You guys have some talent, don't you?

Okay, we got a demand side economy here

because I got a lot of money left

and you haven't got very much to sell.

We do still have a few things...

Gimme some underwear!

Hold it right there, love.

This one here is on Bone.

Your excellency.

Abdul, Abdul.

Got your wallet here.

You're fresh out of scratch but you've got

your credit cards and those should get you home.

Keep those safe 'cause people can sell them.

Thank you.

You kidnapped an ambassador.

Not me.

Who was driving?

That is not fair.

They had the police and the secret service

looking for him all night now all you had to do

was call in but now you don't bring him home

til six in the morning with a pimp and a carload

of naked women.

He had a good time.

You're running a goddamn whorehouse on wheels, woman,

I can't have that.

- But- - No.

- But- - No.

- But- - No more buts.

You're fired.

Now just get out.

Fine.

I was starting to like that little girl.

How'd you find me?

I've been looking for you all day, what's wrong?

- I got fired. - What?

- Got fired. - What for?

Running a whorehouse.

I can get your job back.

How?

You trust me.

Trust you, I don't even know you.

You know me.

You're a class act.

So are you.

No, my mother was a housemaid

and nobody knows who my father was.

- Come here. - What?

Just come over here.

I think it's time you met my father.

Come in, children.

Father, Casey Meadows.

Casey, my father, Robert Witherspoon.

Mr. Roosevelt?

Yes?

You're Mr. Witherspoon?

Afraid so.

You two know each other.

You're the one who sent me the letter?

Yes.

What letter?

He hired me.

Who's Mr. Roosevelt?

You're Mr. Witherspoon's son?

I'm afraid so.

He's the one that hired me.

Why have you been doing this?

Who is Mr. Roosevelt?

I've been keeping my eye on you for a long time.

How come?

You two know each other.

- No. - Yes.

Ha.

Casey, look at this room.

Don't you remember?

I've been here before.

Yes.

My mom worked here.

Yes.

Oh!

I played here!

Yes you did.

The last time you two saw each other

you were five years old.

Marry me!

- Yes. - No.

Why not?

Children, sit down.

What's wrong?

You can't marry this girl.

Why not?

Because she's your sister.

- You're my father? - Yes.

How'd that happen?

It happened very fast.

One weekend.

Your mother was an extraordinary woman.

And your mother was out of town.

Oh.

Uh oh.

What's wrong?

We've been bad.

Oh very bad.

Forgive me sir?

Can't it wait, Jeremy?

I believe this is something you'll want to hear, sir.

What is this?

This is Giles, sir.

Your old driver.

Oh no.

Oh yes.

And Giles has something he wants to tell you sir.

Don't you, Giles?

You ain't the girl's father.

How would you know?

I was married to her mother.

You were married to my mother?

Yes.

And she was pregnant before your little weekend together.

Good lord.

That's why you've been so mean to me,

'cause you're my father?

Why didn't you tell me?

Why would you want me for a father

when you could have had the rich Mr. Witherspoon

and all his millions?

What?

If I'd have kept my mouth shut you could inherit

all his money.

I didn't want his money.

I wanted a father.

For a father you wouldn't want the likes of me.

I am the likes of you.

How did you know all this?

I had it from the girl's mother, sir.

I never told you this before, but I knew her myself.

You knew her too?

Oh yes sir.

Yes indeed.

She was quite a girl.

Don't forget your pal!

Now you're my father too.

Home, James.

With pleasure, madam.

♪ She can't see

♪ The things he does behind her back

♪ 'Cause if she did

♪ Oh I know she wouldn't put up with that

♪ She wouldn't talk to him anymore

♪ She wouldn't even open the door

♪ Love is blind deaf and dumb

♪ She ain't mine but the day will come

♪ I treat her right take her from you

♪ You'll be out what will you do

♪ If she could hear

♪ The things he says when she's not there

♪ She'd be mad

♪ But for now she pretends not to care

♪ She thinks he's the only one

♪ She thinks they're in love but it's done

♪ Love is blind deaf and dumb

♪ She ain't mine but the day will come

♪ I'll treat her right take her from you

♪ You'll be out what will you do

♪ She won't say

♪ How she really feels

♪ 'Cause she's afraid to admit that love is real

♪ She says that it's not to decide

♪ That I can help her make up her mind

♪ Love is blind deaf and dumb

♪ She ain't mine but the day will come

♪ I'll treat her right take her from you

♪ And you'll be out what will you do

♪ Love is blind

♪ Love is blind

♪ Love is blind