Original subtitles

Stop sweating so much. You'll mess up the makeup.

Like I said earlier, I'm not a TV personality, so I don't do well with it.

You're fine, kid.

Deep breaths.

I can't feel my lips.

Water. I need water. Deep breaths.

You're fine.

Water's next to you.

Not a TV personality.

We're on in ten.

Pull yourself together, kid.

Eight.

We're on in five.

I'm not a TV personality.

Four. Three.

Run. Oh.

If you like your health care plan, you'll be able to

keep your health care plan.

So.

Hey, Tim Bryce.

You got my $40 in there?

Yeah man, I basically...

Pretty much have it, but I gotta discuss a business proposition with you first.

No business proposition.

I just want the $40 you owe me, please.

Yeah, man, I pretty much have it.

Press the join, homie.

Okay, um, how do you pretty much have it? Did I tell you about it last night?

No. How do you pretty much have it? I was on this call.

Crazy mind trip. It was nuts.

That's great. How do you pretty much have it? I had this intense conversation

with my subconscious.

That's wonderful. Really, truly. I just shroomed. I had a Hawaiian hot box, and

I finished it up with it.

Hey,

what's the pass in that, kid?

Sid Bryce, I'm sorry.

But I am most certainly busy.

Maybe if you had the money you owe me, this would have turned out a little

differently.

Sorry, man.

But if I was talking about politics or... Rust Belt, then you wouldn't be so

busy.

It's for itself.

And, um... Yeah.

Listen, I really am busy.

So, next time, call ahead. Have my $40.

Dude, you want to hear my business proposition first?

Whoa.

You really should empty this thing. Man, my buddy knocked one over, and it

was... Tim Bryce.

Business proposition?

Right, right. I'm just saying, it was a bitch to clean.

Okay, so I don't necessarily have your money now, but... If you front me an

ounce, I wouldn't be passing that.

Why would I front you an ounce?

You're still $40 short from last month.

I know.

I know.

I know.

But the difference is, at this time, I have people lined up to already buy the

weed. So I won't be forced to go.

Damn it, Tim.

Here.

As a sign of my allegiance, I will pawn you

my iPod till I get the money for the next down.

I will not front you an ounce.

And I will not pawn your shitty iPod shuffle.

And I will not pass you this joint.

Get the 40, Omi. And come back with money if you want another ounce.

It's an iPod Nano.

Get out.

Just one more hit, neighbor.

Ah, damn Machiavellian mooch.

It's not putting ammo.

Is it beer?

It smells like weed.

Yeah. Now you do mention it. I think it's coming from those

two right over there.

Yep.

Damn.

You smoked, didn't you?

It's okay. I don't care.

Lightly childish.

Poor cloth and all.

Welcome back, class, to the dismal science that is

economics.

Okay,

all right, so control yourself.

So, the economist differs.

from the general public on many important policy issues.

What are some of these areas?

Yeah, fuck.

Well, there's increasing immigration, eliminating agricultural subsidies, and

drug legalization.

Exactly. Yeah. Very good.

It's a generality, of course.

But still... It's a little shit, huh? Shh.

Hey, listen.

I don't get stoned before class.

in terms of cost -benefit assessment.

We are not worried about losing out.

Okay,

well, I think that's enough damage for today.

You know, that was really interesting. You know, I think we should form a study

group.

Yay!

Billy Willie!

Gilberto! Bro!

Hey, man!

What's up?

It's Philip Gossmer of House Delaware.

What's up, man?

Yo, sorry about the name intro. Just been watching a ton of Game of Thrones.

Hey,

Brady. I'm from Vermont.

I need to hit you up soon for some devil's lettuce, baby.

Talk to me later about it. Do you get my drift?

Yeah, I get your drift.

Because I need smoke.

Smoke!

My throat is dry.

Give me a call later, all right? I need weed.

I love you, bro.

I love you. Wait. You look sexy with that backpack.

We didn't really get the conversion class.

Okay.

Hi.

Hi.

Okay, bye.

Wait. Hold on.

What's your name?

It's Philip Gazzanier.

All right. Philip Gazzanier.

I will give you a pink cloth next time.

I'm trying not to get too stoned.

Wait, Bobby.

Just like Paul Calejo said, how much I missed because I was missing it,

which made me afraid.

How much I missed simply because I was afraid of missing it.

Are you a quail?

A devil.

How do you know who I am?

Um, it was on your notebook in class.

I like you, Philip Gazzini.

How's your mom?

But I don't even like Game of Thrones.

But dude, winter's coming.

Ken, you home?

Yeah. All right, I'm swinging by. Cool?

Yeah, okay.

Cool. Be there soon.

Whoa, nice timing.

Door was unlocked, so I just let myself in.

That's some pretty solid stuff, man.

What's this called again?

Medusa's mind.

Medusa's mind.

Oh, I get it. Because it gets you stoned.

I like that, Bill. That's funny stuff, man.

So, what's with the name tag?

Oh, it's Rush Week at Fdubsig, bro.

Okay, so you want the regular dubstack, right? You know it, Bill Doe.

Hey, but did I tell you about what me, Ben, and Lynn are doing?

It's Ben, Lynn, and I.

And no, you didn't.

Easy there, broski.

Someone's been smoking a little too much of the Buddha these days.

So I didn't tell you about me, Ben, and Lynn?

No, no, I don't think so.

We're looking for two pounds by Friday.

Can you do that?

Two pounds?

Mm -hmm.

Oh, man!

Line a frickin' ten at it again? Holy shit!

That is a stack of shit, man.

What do you need that all for? Oh, man, we're having a massive I -5 party.

You could come.

Yeah, yeah, I could get you on the list. Yeah, sure. Here.

Okay, uh...

What is that, though?

The list?

No, I -5.

I -5, the I -502, the marijuana legalization bill?

Governor Pullman gave it the A -OK?

Ha, ha.

No, I don't think that's right, because the governor's... No, yeah, yeah, that's

right. Yeah, it was on the ballot.

Jeez, where have you been, man?

I didn't vote.

You didn't vote?

I don't vote.

You don't vote.

You don't vote?

No. Of all the fucking people in Pullman, I'm really surprised, Phillip.

You sure you don't vote?

Voting is analogous to using a public toilet.

Tell me more about this I -5 legislation.

I -5.

Analogous to a toilet.

Yeah, but more about these I -5 shenanigans, right?

It's going to take a couple of years to pass.

No, it's legalized as of December 6th.

Analogous to the toilet?

What do you mean?

Wait, what do you mean by legalized?

I don't really know how else to explain it.

So if you like your weed deal, you can keep it, right?

I don't know the deets, man.

Analogous to the toilet, though.

What do you mean?

You know, I don't really know how else to explain it.

Okay. You go into a stall.

You close a curtain.

You do your business, you pull a lever, then you leave.

Where's the deliberation? Where's the confrontation?

Where's the representation at that?

Yeah.

You know, that was a really good explanation.

Well, I voted for Obama, so, uh...

So you can get me that by Friday, right? I need that by Friday. That's two

pounds?

Yeah.

Yes, I can definitely get you two pounds for Friday.

And I get the friend deal, right?

Yeah, four grand friend deal, for sure.

Yeah, don't worry about that list, actually. I'm not much of a party

Friday, four large ones, four Gs coming your way. And, Phil?

Don't screw this up.

I'll get you on that list man.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't the Bolshevik bastard himself.

Not a Bolshevik.

Anarchist asshole.

What's with the heat, man?

You ever seen one of these?

I tend to propagate away from hazardous situations.

Rednecks with firearms topping that list.

I'm sorry, all I could hear was the queefing from the cunt of a communist.

This is a Remington .22 Cal.

American incarnate.

You want to shoot it?

Now? But it's two in the afternoon.

No.

Who do you want?

Obama, Pelosi, Michael Moore.

That seems incredibly disrespectful.

Trampling on my right to bare arms is incredibly disrespectful.

It's like the legendary Charlton Heston once said.

A man with a gun controls a hundred without.

I think that was Lennon.

Lennon. He was a pacifist, you stupid shit.

Wrong one.

You don't have an Ayn Rand cutout I could shoot instead.

That woman...

is a goddamn saint!

Now shoot.

And tell me that isn't the sexiest thing you've ever experienced.

I was a goddamn saint. That's it!

Shut the fuck up.

You lost your right to bear arms the second you insulted Lady Rand.

Oh, I thought the trampling on my right to bear arms was incredibly

disrespectful.

You know, it's all the same shit.

School's just initiating a cycle, preparing us for the differentiated

society has to offer.

Pleasure and pain, right? You know the works. Man is born free.

Yet everywhere, he is in chains.

Oh, you socialist sluts are the same.

Bitch and moan.

Look at me.

I'm a self -made man with a new remnant.

You're a fucking drug dealer. You're no different. Hey!

Pot dealer is a clear -cut distinction.

Maybe so, but my point is that... You have no point.

You're 21 without shit to worry about, aside from impeding government.

Get laid, drink beer, be free.

Fuck altruism. It doesn't exist.

This is why I don't converse with anarcho -capitalists.

I mean, it's exactly like Alexander Hamilton. Hey!

Fuck Hamilton.

I hate Alexander Hamilton.

But he was a founding father.

My blood pressure is way too high to debate a bedwetting liberal.

Tell me something more interesting.

Well... There is someone I just met in econ class,

actually. The real stunner.

I think we have serious chemistry.

Oh yeah, what's his name?

Her name is Fabi.

I just got her number and I'm planning on ringing her.

I'm really nervous.

Ringing her?

Who the fuck says ringing her?

Call her.

Actually, scratch that. Don't call her. It's not fucking 2001.

I like the romanticism and authenticity of a phone call.

Besides, I think Fabi would really appreciate that.

You sound like a pussy.

Fabi.

That's a weird name.

Ethnic or, you know, white?

She's from Brazil.

You know, she's a real stunner.

Brazilians are cute.

You know who's not cute?

Julio.

Julio? Who's a Mohammed?

Why would I think that either of those men are cute? No, it's just one man.

It's Julio or Muhammad or something weird like that.

I used to deal with him. He was Brazilian.

A real bag of dicks, too.

Cutthroat piece of immigrant shit.

Well, I don't know what you're on about, but this one's different.

She's stunning and sexy.

Smart.

Shut the fuck up before I stick my beanbag in the blender.

She has the proper documentation for legal immigration purposes, right?

Here we are.

Capitalist and Communist United.

Well... Not a commie.

Hey, do you hear about these new I -502 laws?

Yeah, I live in Washington, for Christ's sake.

Should we be worried, or are we now businessmen?

Not conducive to our line of work, but lucky for us... Our governmental

incompetence will be marred by bureaucracy and red tape for another

years.

So we aren't... We aren't operating within the confines of the law.

Oh, fuck no.

They'll lock your ass up for years.

So what do we do?

Once it's legitimized, it's the end of us.

We'll be outsourced to law -abiding douchebags.

You don't buy anything illegally when you can buy it legally.

Do we have a chance?

I mean, I can't afford to lose my job.

Our best chance is to postpone and adapt as quick as possible.

Now take your pot and get the fuck out of my house.

You're not another one of those college students coming to hassle us, are you?

No, no.

I am a good Samaritan, here to support your cause.

What is cause?

Well, in that case, Keith can't kill Patrick. But I goes to can't kill Pete.

It's more intimidating.

Lisa Rosenkraut. I'll introduce myself. Thanks, Kent.

We are calm.

Concerned about the legalization of marijuana.

So this has to do with the new I -502 bill?

Absolutely does. This legislation encourages, nay, promotes our youth to

in drugs.

As a former DEA operative, I've seen things you wouldn't dream of.

I'm... concerned about the future of our youth.

Think of the children.

Strong use of pathos.

I'm sold.

What do we do to overturn this atrocious legislation?

Sign this.

We need 100 ,000 signatures to get the bill in referendum.

More people have signed this, right?

Hmm.

Okay, is there anything more meaningful we can do in the meantime while we wait

for signatures to accumulate?

Well, there's Representative Boozer in Colfax.

Mind you, he likes to be called Congressman.

Call him Congressman.

As a current Mormon, I encourage you to call him Congressman.

Out of respect.

Wait, so, um... Sorry, uh, he's not a congressman, but I'm expected to call

congressman. Hey!

He's on our side. He's sympathetic to the cause.

It's the hippies up in Pullman who don't give two shits about consequences.

Think of the children!

Okay.

Well, I will speak to this Mr.

Boozer.

Congressman!

Congressman.

Okay.

You are the...

Keep up that good work.

Put the stash in the trash.

Put the stash in the trash. Put the stash in the trash. Put the stash in the

trash.

Phil,

no. What up, slut?

Uh, nothing much.

What's up, whore?

What's the dealio, bro?

I have your stuff.

And I was wondering if you wanted to come by and pick it up.

Hello?

But it's Tuesday.

Yeah, I'm aware of that.

No, but I said I wanted it on Friday.

Yes, yes, I'm aware.

No, but it's Tuesday.

Right. Well, I was thinking maybe you could pick it up early to prepare in

advance.

I live in a frat house, bro.

You think us asses will keep two pounds of weed intact until Friday?

Asses? Alpha sigma sigma.

Okay, well, why don't you hide it or something? I'm not going to bring pounds

weed into my house.

We'll be thrown off campus.

Okay, um, I'll figure out something to do with it until Friday. Um, but

I'm hoping we can work out an advance.

You know, maybe half up front.

I only ask because of my monetary woes. Good Lord, bro. Were you a byproduct of

a failed abortion?

I mean, I give you money Friday. You give me weed Friday.

Today's Tuesday.

Friday's Friday.

Simple economics.

Hear me, bro?

Fucking love golf.

It's simple economics.

It's simple economics.

One's actions seek to maximize utility.

The greatest good for the greatest amount of people.

Sorry, Mr. Call.

I was really busy.

You want to get out of here?

It's on one of his utile diaries and rants again.

I've heard it way too many times before.

The diagnosis is individual over society, liberty over authority.

Adam Smith, the invisible hand.

You know, I am offended by that, Doctor.

Individual over community.

Being offended is good for you.

Exercises your mental and moral muscles.

Skedaddle.

Skedaddle after that?

You believe that malarkey?

What a load of bogus.

Didn't realize you had such strong convictions.

I just believe that communitarianism is faltering in these dark times.

People are becoming more greedy. The hand of society commending this twisted

creed.

Human nature is individualistic.

We'll always work on our own self -interest.

Very funny, Fabi.

Didn't take you for being such a cynic.

A realist.

Oh. Life in the state of nature is cruel, brutish, and short.

I even named my pet Snake Hob.

Night.

for Brady?

Me.

Thank you, Mother Barista.

Billy Willie!

How's the season treating you, brother?

Hey, Brady.

I, uh, have you met?

Are you looking for something, man?

There was a freaking fly in here earlier bugging the shit out of me, bro.

Fucker.

Okay, well, you know, I'll catch you later.

Yeah, man, yeah, hit me up. Hit me up. We'll throw up some green and smoke down

some... Green, bro!

No. Yeah, bro, hit me up.

No. Yeah! No, no, no, no, don't talk about that here.

On the phone, though. On the phone? Not here.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Another time. Okay. All right. Hey, do you know Fabi, you little dirty bastard?

Yeah,

do you know Fabi?

Nice, bro.

Nice,

man. Nice.

With her, bro, you're going to be like the Monopoly man, dude.

You're going to pass, go, and collect 200.

Monopolize it. Just monopolize it.

Okay.

Lay off the mind -altering substances for a while.

You too, my terra firma brethren, man.

Peace in the Middle East, man.

With some grease and some cheese and some rice and some stuff.

All of that. Yeah. Okay.

Talk to you soon.

Hey, where were you?

Do you know Brady?

Bathroom. I didn't know how to tell you.

Can I get a black coffee?

Hers is on me.

Okay. No, it's not.

Okay.

What can I get you?

Hello?

Beth.

I would like you to do a huge favor for me.

I am going to...

Order a hot chocolate.

But I would like you to call it out as a black coffee.

So you want a hot chocolate? You're getting a hot chocolate?

Okay, while we're here, could I just have some orange, you know?

No. We have orange juice.

Congressman Boozer.

Yeah,

yeah, he would love it.

I'm Congressman Boozer and I approve this message.

Just one second.

You're not sick, are you?

No,

I just coughed. Because I can't let you be here if you're sick.

You sure you're not sick?

Um, yes, I'm sure.

I'm here to see Representative... Stop!

Congressman Boozer.

And when's the last time you had a doctor's checkup?

That is certainly not relevant.

Take the person that was sick.

I am here to see the man with whom I have an appointment.

The Congress man.

Fine.

Just give me one second.

No. You are speaking to me now.

Sir, and I would appreciate it if my appointment was honored.

Okay.

Give me one second.

So, can I go in there?

Yeah.

And remember, it's Congressman Boozer.

And leave the door open.

There were people in the town.

They didn't know his name.

He said his name was Jesus.

I said my name's the same.

I didn't have much time.

But I went to town again.

And then I saw a lady.

Hello,

Mr. Hello, Mr.

You can just call me Philip.

Thank you for taking the time to see me today, Mr. Congressman Boozer, sir.

So what brings you here, sport?

It has to do with...

The detrimental path that drugs, namely pot, are taking in this fine community.

Are you a student?

Yes, sir.

And you have a fundamental problem with drugs, huh?

Well, thank your peers.

It's because of them that it passed in Whitman County.

Lucky for me, they don't vote in midterms.

Well, I don't think that legalizing poison is... I know.

Marijuana tore my family apart.

I have three children.

Abital, Abner, and Abishay. They're all biblical names.

My middle child, Abner, he decided to become an agnostic.

He smoked some pot in college, got a couple radical professors, and boom!

My son is a godless subversive. Are you a man of faith, Mr. Phillips?

I, uh, I don't know how constructive that is.

Are you or are you not a man of faith, Mr. Phillips?

I doubt it.

I consider myself a follower of the social contract.

No, I'm not interested in socialism.

Remember this, Philip.

Faith is the assurance of things hoped for and the conviction of things not

seen. Hebrews 11 .1.

Right, but I think there is... Driving under the influence of marijuana.

Gosh darn agnostic.

What does that even mean?

It means he's confused. That's what it means.

Oh, Abner.

Psalm 312, he who is lost must only seek solace. But you must consider the

effect that this could have on the children.

Oh, yeah, the drugs.

I agree with you wholeheartedly, but it is out of my hands.

It is the will of the people.

There are rules in politics, Philip. But what about the effect that this could

have on other families?

And God and stuff.

Listen, Philip, there are rules in politics, but I didn't make them up. If

had, the rules would be different.

We would be praying in school, marijuana would not be legal, and life would be

recognized before conception.

Surely there's something you can do.

Overturn the state's decision to legalize marijuana?

From my lowly seat in Colfax?

How?

Citywide ordinance.

Uh... What?

Um... An ordinance?

Citywide... Ordinance!

Yes! Ordinance!

Okay! Well... Maybe...

There are strict rules in politics. You said that.

What's worrying you?

I think I know what it is.

It's re -election.

You're worried the college kids will oust you?

College kids don't vote in midterms.

Then what's the problem?

I'm not exactly sure how to initiate an ordinance.

Sure. This must be a jape of sorts, sir.

Sir,

I thought you were a man of faith.

Think of the children.

You're right, lad.

It's true.

I didn't become a political figure to watch our society degrade into filth and

squalor. Hear, hear.

But I will need some help in this righteous fight for morality.

Are you with me, Mr. Phillips?

Yes, sir.

Fantastic! Now, let's pray.

Of this backless behavior.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

No! Come on!

No!

No!

I will

fight this!

I will fight you!

You know,

I always get anonymous and

unanimous mixed up.

It's like, is it an anonymous decision or a unanimous?

Well, you know, it could be both.

You two suckers!

You know, we're not pieces of meat.

Seriously, shut up and drive, dick!

Don't use my name, Dale!

You just used my dick, and I was calling your dick like a penis! Mate!

This is bigger than both of you! It's the best ever experiment!

So both you two dick -sucker suckers!

So this is the model.

You!

Me!

That sounds exactly like Anonymous' credo.

For the love of Allah, I abide!

Do you fuck with the natural order of things? We'll come back to winter if

you're a fucking Republican!

With that thinking, you will stop.

Yeah, and none of us have medical degrees.

Whoa, whoa, fuck!

God!

Where were you going?

Back to Colfax.

I left my car there.

The hell you were.

You were walking the wrong way.

Shocking.

Look like you've been through a ringer.

Yeah. Yeah, I have, actually.

Pretty big one.

But, uh...

Well, I can't complain. I still respire.

Um... Well, where were you going tonight?

Um, coming back from visiting my brother and a fellow.

You look different. Never seen your hair up in a bun before.

I, uh, wasn't exactly expecting company.

I like it.

So, Othello, huh?

Never been.

Good. Don't go.

It's an unpleasant place.

And, um, thank you.

Yeah, I'm from Vermont.

That's cool.

Way out east. Wow.

Uh, yeah, it's a good place to raise your kids and have a... Wow, that's

far.

What are you doing in eastern Washington?

Well, I... It's one of the best hospitality programs in the nation.

Wait, um... You said Othello, but I thought you were

Brazilian. I am.

I moved to Seattle when I was four and...

At 13, I relocated up here with my brother after my dad died.

He got into some trouble up in Whitman County, and we moved to Othello.

So what was up with your brother?

He made some bad choices.

So, uh, you sell weed.

Any big shipments coming in?

Yeah, actually.

Um, and I'm too shaken even.

Hey, would you be interested in smoking a net? No, no, uh, later. I, um, just,

uh, wanted to make sure you had enough for yourself, you know?

Tell me, how do you do it?

Do what?

Pay for college.

Like, all this.

Well, there's scholarship.

It's a whole nine yards.

Work, part -time.

I'm in state.

bad decisions.

But in the end, we learn to cope.

Yeah, I'll be all right.

It usually is.

Just avoid prison and pregnancies. That's my motto.

Yes.

The two Ps.

Well, what's that on the back of your neck?

Oh, um, it's an enso tattoo.

It's an enso circle.

It's an unfinished circle.

It's done in a single stroke.

If you're lucky, I'll tell you what it means.

Sneak.

Hello. Hello.

This is Tamara Wohler with Phoenix Mutual Insurance.

Am I speaking with Mr. Gazzanar?

Just Philip.

And, um, it's about my car insurance, right?

Yes. Our records show you still owe $1 ,200 for the annual coverage. We have

tried to contact you, sir.

Right. Well, uh, consider it paid by Monday.

Okay. Well, this is already three months late, Mr. Gazzanar. Consider this a

final warning, sir.

All right, well, allow me to reiterate.

Consider it paid by Monday, Mrs.

Wollart.

Dammit, that was the correct pronunciation.

I'm fine.

It's just hops.

Yeah, I suppose his philosophy can be a tad bit forlorn.

No, a snake.

He died last night.

Right, your snake.

I'm sorry.

It's not your fault.

I thought I could make it through class today, but... I thought I could, but I

don't know.

Um... I know it's easy to attach to pets.

I had a pet fish once for a couple of days.

It had diarrhea. It didn't last very long. Which of our natural resources

is going to be exhausted first?

The taxpayer!

Anarchist.

Hey, Dean.

Our phones are tapped.

Then why did you call me on my phone?

God, you little leech!

We're in danger.

I'm trying to save your life.

Meet me at Zed D.

Zed D?

Let me fucking finish, Pico.

Meet me at Zed D. Write this down.

S -E -I -D -D.

E. I'm going backwards.

Backwards. I'm in reverse.

Meet me at Z.

D. At 8 .30.

Stupid shit.

At ease.

Wow. Do you know how unbelievably devious you look?

Quiet, you stupid... Fuck!

Okay, um... Can we talk about just how

outrageous you look right now? Fuck!

Have you done now, Phillip?

Well, it seems to me you're the one with the headache, so...

What the fuck have you done, Dean?

Don't get cute with me.

You goddamn... Antichrist Bolshevik bastard!

Wow.

Back to the schoolyard, huh?

Pretty harsh, man.

Wouldn't have said that over the phone.

Some government official is hot on our heels.

Short old doucher. Real wise -ass.

Said he was a congressman or something, but I got a real cop vibe.

Your phone isn't tapped, you paranoid crackhead.

He's on our side.

That's Congressman Boozer. I don't give a rat's ass what the dude's fucking name

is.

No government official is on our side, Phillip.

Five years if we get our dick caught in the zipper.

Five years. I know, but I thought maybe that if we... Everyone is out to fuck

you in the ass.

Now, let me finish.

He could be a companion in postponing the effects of I -5 here in Whitman.

You went to the government with this.

I just told you, everyone's got to fuck you in the ass. And the government?

They don't even have the decency to apply lube before they re... Hello

adorable.

Do you have any sweetie pies?

Huh. My name's Beth. I'll be your waitress today.

Can I get you started? I know you. Yeah.

I'm the barista at the community cup.

You ordered the Orangina? That's right.

I'm also in your econ class.

Oh.

So what can I get you? Wait, you're actually friends with this Dukakis

fuck?

Sure. Are you going to order anything?

Why do you work two jobs?

To pay for college.

You're in college?

I'm in your econ class.

Right.

I'll have the coffee and ice water, if that's still okay.

And to eat, let's make you the breakfast sampler.

Um, do you have any Orangina?

No. No one has Orangina.

Um, okay. I will just take water and the spicy swings you got.

You know, she's got a really nice aura about her.

Shut the fuck up, you French fascist.

Why?

Okay, um, you're seriously overreacting? Because, um, one...

I can't be both a Bolshevik and a fascist.

And, um, B, it's not that big a deal.

Let me finish.

So then after Congressman Fetus' breath, I decided to come warn you.

And guess who I saw?

Beyonce.

Cops, you fucking Philistine.

Two of them parked outside of your complex just about an hour ago.

Your laid -back arrogance is bullshit.

It's going to backfire, and I'm not going to be around when it does.

Anything else?

Yeah, you can get my associate here, a brain.

He's the only liberal I know with worse problems than just being a hippie.

If I could just postpone the effects of... The I -5 over here in Whitman for

more years.

It's happening in Everett.

I'm on the cusp.

I don't give a shit about I -5.

I'll just move to Idaho or Utah.

But I promise I won't get caught.

Okay. Two more years to graduation.

I have a 2 .8 GPA.

Do you know how much out -of -state tuition costs?

I don't give a shit about tuition.

I'm not in college, and I never went to college, all right?

I got options.

You're the one in college. You're the one that's fucked with no options.

I can't maintain my lifestyle and pay tuition on $9 .50 an hour. I just bought

a katana.

What did I just tell you?

Look, we make the drop on Alpha Sigma Sigma.

No sidetracks. Clear?

No more government officials.

No more cops.

And no more on I -5.

After this, you're on your own.

I don't give a shit about your college dream plans.

This is the real world, though.

Bobby?

It's Philip.

I need your help urgently.

The cops are after me.

And I need your help.

Urgently.

This is Philip, by the way.

It's Philip Gassner.

Tim Bryce, it must be.

Traitorous fucking mooch.

Bobby? Philip?

Bobby? Boozer.

Boozer? Congressman Boozer.

Congressman Boozer. Oh, good morning, sir.

Good morning, Mr. Phillips. The Lord's light shines upon us.

Great news.

With a little help from you, we can label dispensaries a public nuisance

Whitman County.

Praise be to Jesus. I spoke to the city council today, and positive vibes were

distributed. I may actually have a chance of defeating this thing.

Moratorium.

If you get the political lingo.

Oh, that is fantastic.

So, what is the status on the council?

That's just it, kid.

I told them all about you.

You're a superhero.

I've allocated a spot for you on the NIB.

They want the info from the ground as well.

Wait, the NIB?

Northwest Inland Broadcasting.

Thursdays at 6 with the big shot, Glenn Hannity.

Mm -hmm.

Can you believe our miracle?

Carry out God's work, son.

Shall we pray?

I'm just a bit skeptical, sir, because I'm not sure I can do that.

Hello? What happened to the champ I met in my office?

The one with fire burning through his loins.

I'm just not that boisterous a TV personality, sir. I'm just... I'm rather

Nonsense. Come.

We will meet and prepare a wonderful... Oh, fuck!

Fuck! Bastard child of Mary!

Excuse me? Okay, okay. I'll call you back, sir. Thank you. Goodbye.

Not!

We're opening up.

Oh, consciousness.

I can't be alive.

Oh, Fortuna can't be this disturbed.

Oh, no.

He's talking gibberish.

It must be a concussion.

Don't worry, Philip.

Timbray, come on.

Come on. Come on. Oh,

fellas.

What in the nation do you think you're doing?

Philip, you're up.

Here. I loaded this bowl to help you recover.

I don't want a bowl.

I want to know what you were doing riding a bike in a residential area.

And why are you loading my weed into your bowl?

And why am I naked in your car?

Sorry, man.

My bad.

What were you talking about?

Don't bother.

You want me to start from the beginning.

Oh, right.

The whole naked bit.

You jumped in front of Janet and got plowed.

Don't worry.

I won't charge for the damages.

How virtuous of you.

You know, it's illegal.

To ride a bike in a residential area. Long story, short story.

You were in bad shape.

So I saved you.

Your clothes are soaking wet.

Did you say Janet?

Yeah. The name of my bike.

Give me my clothes.

Or my underwear.

Maybe there's something you'd like to donate.

Your clothes are in the trunk.

Doubtful of how dry they are.

And the other one.

The other one?

Mm -hmm.

You're with another bag like this one?

You had two full bags of wheat?

If I help you find the wheat, can I maybe keep a gram or two?

Fat chance.

After you became a turncloak and left me for dead in the grim grips of the lie.

What are you talking about, man? I know you went to the cops. And I know you

sold me out.

After all I've done for you, Brutus.

Brutus?

What the fucking schnitzel are you talking about, man? You!

cops on me.

And I was running from them and you were the only person I could think of with

animosity towards me.

Dude.

I swear.

I swear on never getting laid again that I did not betray

you.

So, if we do find the other bag, could I maybe keep a gram or two?

Dude, we have been out here for hours and barely

moved.

I'd say we just cut our losses, go back to the truck, smoke a bowl.

Or do your choice and leave.

You don't understand.

I'm not just losing out on getting high.

I'm losing out on my ends and my

means to justify.

That ends.

I don't know what you're going through, man.

But I've been knocked down before.

But more importantly, when I was knocked down, I learned to crawl.

And when I learned to crawl...

Are you telling me, Jim Bryce?

I'm saying that if I would have gotten up after I'd been knocked down, I would

have been knocked down again.

So I crawled to safety.

Kept everything intact.

Sometimes you gotta know when to crawl.

Exactamundo, my friend.

Exactamundo.

Okay. Let's go, man. Come on.

It's cool, man. It's all going to be good. I got Tim Bryce to ask you, man.

I'm going to take care of you.

I'm going to just, like, I don't want you to dodge that poop.

There's absolutely no reason not to legalize it. It's safer than alcohol and

tobacco, you know?

You know?

Fill up.

Tim Bryce.

Never mind.

You'd agree with me anyways.

Hey.

Look.

I promise I never went to the cops.

It's okay.

Not really in the position to be taking actions or...

Flaunting accusations or what have you.

I'm reaping the rewards of some.

You want to go to your house and smoke a duke?

I can't go there.

You wanna go to my house and smoke a juke?

You know I called you last night, right?

What didn't you answer?

Cops were after me.

What?

I ran.

Ran like fucking Seabiscuit.

Well, I called you back.

I...

I even went to your apartment to see if you were okay.

But there were like four cops there and I was confused. I thought you were

caught.

I'm so happy that you're okay.

I was so scared for you.

It just doesn't make any sense. I mean, why would the cops be after me?

I've maintained cordial relations with all of my clientele.

We'll get through this.

So you came to get me?

Well, yeah.

I mean, I did. I...

Like I said, there were a bunch of cops there.

It was a horrifying scene.

Shit.

Can they, um... Can they get you long -term for paraphernalia?

I don't think so.

That was the condition of my apartment.

Obliterated, I bet.

You'll be all right, Philip.

I promise.

I'm here with you.

Just promise me, once you get rid of that, you're done.

There's nothing.

Then the black market will be diminished.

Want to profit?

Move to snuff, smack, MDMA. That's not you. Yeah, I know, but...

But I'm in a bind.

I need quick cash.

Nice start.

Well, I'm excited to see how many friends that was.

You are amazing.

How do you do it? Well,

it takes a lot of hard work to tell you that much.

Yeah. You are a cat thing.

So, um, was that your, uh, your brother in the photo over there?

Yeah.

Julio.

Hey, um, you don't have to answer if it's, um, too onerous,

but, uh, did something happen to him?

You're so sweet.

He was selling weed.

Large amounts.

Facing a minimum of five years if convicted.

Wow.

That hits home a lot harder than it probably should.

I'll be back.

I'm gonna make us some drinks.

Hey, you never did tell me about that symbol on your neck. You know, the

unfinished circle?

It's a Zen Buddhist symbol, Enzo.

What does it mean?

No, Enzo.

It's hard to explain.

It represents life, absolute enlightenment, the universe and the

A moment when the mind is set truly free.

The body is allowed to create.

I am always learning something new with you.

Why is the circle unfinished?

Imperfection is an essential and inherent aspect of existence.

Were you breastfed as a child?

You know, I only ask because... What?

I only ask because Hobbesian parents are apparently less likely to breastfeed

their children.

What is this?

You don't happen to have any orange, do you?

Okay.

I will try the minted beverage.

It's my specialty.

Mojito.

You never drank one of these before?

No, I, um... I tend towards boxed wine when I have the alcoholic urge.

Wow!

What a...

Gustatory delight.

That was amazing.

Where did you learn how to make that?

Google.

Well, I think you've mastered the art.

The Rembrandt of mixology, if you will. Mm -hmm.

Oh, for the love of Lenin, it can't be happening!

So now you just want to be on the NIV, huh?

Grrr!

Where I was low, I was lost.

I thought you were quitting.

I am.

Forever?

Like forever ever.

At least not until I establish myself as a functioning member of society.

I should have gone to Duke.

Why didn't you?

I didn't get in.

I didn't try hard enough to get in.

You weren't smart enough, huh?

To put it bluntly.

Wait.

You have a blunt?

I thought you were here to talk to Glenn Hannity.

I love Glenn.

I am, but... I don't know.

Not a big TV personality.

Don't fuck up with Glenn.

The whole world watches him.

So what are you doing here, then?

I haven't the slightest clue.

Just figuring that out for myself.

So what's the status on that plant?

I don't have the slightest clue.

It's in Bryce.

end of the circle