Original subtitles

We already went where we could go on the road.

We need a boat.

It will take a few days, but today we start to climb the river.

No, no, no. We shouldn't be here.

The jungle doesn't want us here.

It has.

We have to do this.

What's waiting for us is going to change our lives.

Yeah? Okay.

I'm going alone.

Ana! Ana!

Don't do this!

Hey!

We start tight on a full moon.

Milky. Almost yellow.

We crane down to reveal an idyllic suburban street.

We float past a series of white picket fences until we settle on a sewer grate.

Wow! Flies open.

Something big and scaly slithers out.

Fast, hungry, definitely not human as a pulsating score kicks in.

We're on the back of the beast.

as it slithers menacingly towards a little blue house.

Wait, I'm sorry.

This is our wedding video you're talking about. Yes, though I actually don't

think of them as videos. They're more like short films. Yeah, because I'm not

sure this is...

Quite what we had in mind.

Okay, I know it's a little different than normal, but... I really liked the

you did for Karen and Bart.

Oh, when they walk by the river and jump up and hide. That jump was dope. And I

love that song they used. I don't want to wait for our lives to be over.

I want to know right now, how does it feel?

Um, guys,

uh, here's the thing. I really like you guys. And you said you were horror fans.

And I'm like, I love horror so much. And I thought this could be special.

You know what I mean?

This is a film you're going to watch for the rest of your lives. But this isn't

a film, Doug.

This is a wedding video, and we want one where they do a little jump.

Now, can you do that for us or not?

Okay.

And do you mind if I'm doing warm -ups? Is it okay?

Yeah, I feel much crazier.

Okay, good.

Does it sound better? You can say my line.

His vision is blurry, which could suggest... Or his vision is blurry,

could suggest... Or I could... You know what? I can even do it like an accent. I

could do just... Oh, I think you just should do it the way you auditioned it,

honey. Yeah. Yeah.

It's been a while since I booked anything, and I just want it to go well.

Yeah. I just... It's hard out there.

Sorry.

Doctor number three, we're ready for you. Okay, knock him dead.

Okay, thanks.

Thank you, Donna. Hey, by the way, if you ever need anything from Lowe's, I

hook you up with my employee discount, no question.

Okay.

Thanks.

Ten more cc's of Tramadol?

Any idea what I'm looking at here? He said his vision was blurry, so, you

that could suggest... Optic neuritis.

Already ruled that out.

Cut!

Hey, buddy.

Not sure what that accent is. Just do it normally, okay?

We're gonna go again right away.

He said his vision was blurry, which could suggest... Cut!

Say the line faster, okay? Faster this time.

He said his vision was blurry, which could suggest... Cut!

I think we gotta fire this guy. Can we get somebody else in here?

the sunny day come new the shining day

Jesus, Jerry!

Doug! What is this thing about there's some kind of sewer monster?

Oh, boy.

Doug.

Look, I get that this is not what you dreamed about when you were a kid.

But dreams, they go.

Now, I'll be retiring soon, and Doug, it is only a matter of time before all

this is yours.

Really? Yeah, look around.

Take it all in.

And imagine.

If you do it right, it's a pretty sweet setup we got here. This is a B and maybe

even a B -plus life we're talking about.

Are you sure you don't want to do anything for your birthday?

You used to make me celebrate your half -birthday.

Let's go get a beer.

With something.

Maybe we just watch that new mountain climbing doc.

About the lady that falls to her own death?

Yeah.

Fine. We can do the one about the free diver in the Maldives.

Who drowned?

Jesus Christ, Doug. I don't know. Let's just take a gummy and go to bed early.

Oh my god, Maylee, no!

Yes, yes, you love a good big birthday party.

Dad, should I see your face?

You knew about this?

It was my idea.

Buddy, take my coat, please. Thank you. Hey, how are you? Happy birthday!

I'm sorry.

No, that's not... The actual lotion, the actual basket. It puts the lotion in

the basket? eBay, buddy. Judy, that is sick. Yeah, no, that is actually sick.

Oh!

Happy birthday, Dougie. Thanks for making the trip, Claire.

Oh, you know I love Buffalo this time of year.

The slush, the hypothermia.

What's up? No Trent?

No Trent.

Ever again, in fact.

He started banging his dental hygienist.

Anyway, tonight is all about you, baby.

It's about me? It's about you.

You came. Here you are.

Oh, my God.

It's been too long, pal. It's so good to see you. It has been way too long.

Happy birthday.

Thank you for coming out here.

You think I'm going to miss this? Never. We've got a lot of catching up to do.

Many years ago, a group of young, passionate artists had a vision. It was

vision that stopped.

particularly original or even good.

But it was there.

And so they made that vision a reality.

And without further ado, I present to you a completely unrestored print

of 13 -year -old Doug McAllister's masterpiece,

The Quatch.

What? I thought we lost all the copies of that.

Nope. I found it in my mom's garage. It was stuck in the player. Are we sure

this is okay for the kids to watch?

I don't give a shit.

Mrs. Brown had us bleep all the swears so we could show it at the school

assembly. No, it didn't make much sense because we were very clear about it

being R -rated.

Happy birthday, pal.

This isn't happening.

Oh, it's happening. Here we go.

Oh,

I'm going to kill you.

I haven't changed a bit.

I need to tell you something.

What is it?

That I love you.

I've always loved you.

I know I f***ing well.

I f***ing love you too.

Now kiss me, woman.

So much charisma.

Already you had it. I still can't believe I let Doug talk me into doing

I didn't talk you, but it was your idea.

It's coming for us. We're trapped.

What the hell are we going to do?

Oh, my God.

We're all going to die.

This is where it gets real.

Not on my watch, mister.

That's probably the best birthday gift I've ever received.

I didn't even know it existed.

Well, I'm giving it to you. Watch the TV, because you can't get it out.

It was right after. Right after senior year of college. Yeah, that's when

Anaconda came out. Remember, we saw it like 30 times.

Put it right there alongside the classic. Totally. How about that cat?

J -Lo, Ice Cube, Owen Wilson.

I mean, it's a murderer's row.

Plus, the snake was like a metaphor for our lives at that moment.

Like, life is coming at you and hunting you and forcing you, like, off your

path.

Like your parents' health insurance and stuff.

I don't know. No, it's true. It was like that. That's right, Kenny. How about

that accent by John Boyd? How about that? That was a choice.

They wrap around you until you get the privilege of hearing your bones break.

Before the power of embrace causes your veins to explode.

I have the rights to Anaconda.

What?

I have the rights to Anaconda.

Yeah, apparently.

The movie was based on a novel by some dead Japanese guy.

And my agent introduced me to his widow.

Unbelievably, she was such a fan of the four episodes that I did on SWAT. Who

isn't? That she gave me the rights.

So what are you going to do with them?

Uh, well, not me.

Us.

We're going to reboot the thing.

Indie style.

Three weeks.

Run and gun.

In the Amazon.

Skeletal crew. Claire, you and I can star. Kenny, you shoot it. Doug, you

direct. Huh? Come on. What do you say?

I mean, it's a wonderful idea in theory, but... I'm in.

I can get time off from work. Yes, you can, Kenny. Sweet.

Kenny, what are you talking about? You're it. No, he's not in. He says,

one thing and you're in already. You're going to the Amazon.

He's not in. What do you say, Claire?

I just, I don't know if I'm in the right headspace right now. Of course you are.

Of course you're not in the right headspace. That's the best headspace.

kidding me? Come on. It's like he pray love and shit.

Come on.

You know what?

I'm in.

What? Yeah. Really?

Yeah. I mean, my life is totally shit anyway, so.

God, I'm so happy to hear that.

I mean, not that your life is shit, but that you're in.

Besides, as soon as Doug says yes, we'll probably need you to finance this whole

thing. What?

Doug?

Griff, I'm sorry.

I got responsibilities. Got Mailey, Charlie, my job.

I know.

Making wedding videos.

Films. Right.

It's a good life, you know.

It's a B, B plus life.

B, B plus life?

It's a good life.

Do you remember when we were kids and we would stay up till four in the morning

hanging out in your mom's basement watching horror movies?

Scaring the shit out of ourselves.

Texas Chainsaw on, like, repeat.

Now we have the chance to make one ourselves.

Dude. It's what we dreamed about ever since we were little kids.

I hear you.

But we're not kids anymore, Griff.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, no. I'm just... I get it. I do.

I get it.

Still watching the quatch.

Charlie, why don't you go check on those cookies?

Okay, but I'm pausing it, so?

Don't touch it.

Gonna need some ice cold milch with that. You got it.

What are you doing?

What? Just go make the movie.

Mailey. Come on. Every time you watch this thing, you light up. Like, I

seen you light up in a long time.

So what? I'm supposed to chase some Hollywood fantasy I had as a kid?

Waste a bunch of money and time, and for what? In the end, what's it going to

change?

Okay.

Okay. Okay.

Holy shit.

Our lives could be, like, over.

What are you talking about? The anaconda thing.

You were serious, right?

Yes, very.

Then let's do it.

Let's reboot Anaconda.

Yeah! Yeah.

All right, budget -wise, soup to nuts, what does it cost to get the thing made?

I figure we need three weeks of shooting. Some VFX, some SFX, a

riverboat captain, travel to and from a jungle, and a gigantic real snake.

Reparably a rental.

Rental, copy.

All in, two, two and a half million dollars.

That sounds right.

We've approved a loan for you for up to $9 ,400.

Good. I've revised the budget down to $43 ,000 all in. That sounds more right.

Now, the film does have to be scary, right?

Terrifying. But it can't just be about a giant snake killing people. Exactly.

It has to be about something, right?

Right.

I mean, memes.

Come on. Like grief. What about revenge?

In terms of theme, that's like one of the top ones.

Oh my god, I got a good one. Hit me.

Intergenerational trauma.

I love intergenerational trauma. Who doesn't love intergenerational trauma?

Let's do that. We're on to something.

This is a masterpiece.

You're a goddamn genius. I love it. Don't change a word. No, dude, you

it. It's scary, it's emotional, it's funny when it needs to be. Dude, thank

Hey, Doug, I know that we had our little dust -up, but

I need to shoot this film, man. Dust -up?

Yeah. He fired me from the wedding video stuff because I got a little wasted.

Knocked over the wedding cake.

But I'm dealing with it.

Like getting sober? Yes.

Well, I mean, Buffalo sober.

Buffalo sober?

Mm -hmm. Just beer and wine.

And then some of the lighter liquors. But definitely not all of them.

I'm proud of you.

Doug?

If I'm being honest, I enabled you a little bit. Of course you get a second

chance. Let's do this.

Nice. Thank you, man.

Carl's here.

And you have the meth looking, right? You only take that once a week. Hey,

I almost forgot.

Talk to me. I got you this.

What?

I know. Pretty sick.

World's greatest Doug.

I thought it should say Dad.

Whatever, man. It's funny.

I love it. It's much better.

So it begins.

All right.

Made it.

That's what I'm talking about.

So, hey, I was reading about anacondas on the plane.

Basically, they wait in the water for days, stalking their prey, never moving,

just waiting. And then when a prey comes, snatch and grab.

A thousand pounds of pressure. You think you're going to get away? You're not.

Crushing you.

Oxygen leaving your lungs.

Oh, God, terrible.

So like in the movie Anaconda?

Yeah, exactly.

So it's real? Yeah, it's all real.

Very real.

There's a story about this woman.

God bless her.

The snake wraps around her so tight.

The eyeballs just... No.

No way.

It was my grandmother, Sylvana.

Shit.

Horrible grandmother, but still sad.

Huh.

I'm sorry, who are you?

Oh, I'm sorry, Carlos Santiago.

Yeah, you can call me Santiago.

Oh, hey!

Hey, it's Kenny! Yeah, Kenny. Kenny from the phone. Kenny, yeah.

Hey, hi.

Yeah, this is our snake handler.

Oh! Thank God. You're supposed to be the bat. No, supposed to be. We have a

joker here. No, I'm the bat. Yes.

Oh, that's good.

So, welcome to Brazil.

Let's meet the snake.

When I found him, he was dying of starvation.

His food supply destroyed by gold miners who put mercury in the river.

Gold miners. Gold mining poisons our land.

Their greed almost killed my snake.

But I fed him. I nursed him back to life in many ways.

He did the same for me.

Ah, yeah.

A tale as old as time, saved by a snake.

What's her name?

It was Griff.

Okay, Griff.

She's not only a snake.

She's my tiny giant, my friend.

One of the most important creatures of the cryptological world.

No, of course, I... Sure. I didn't... I wasn't trying to... I... Yes.

Okay. Let me introduce you.

Hey, Tor. Hey, Tor. Oh, my goodness.

Hey, cutie. Oh, not cutie. Oh, hell yes.

This thing is nuts.

There are rumors of condas even bigger, maybe four or five times this size.

Go ahead, Kenny, from the phone. Um, is it true that they regurgitate their

prey? Sometimes.

I mean, if you're lucky.

You die right away because of suffocation.

But only the unlucky ones survive.

Unlucky?

Yeah, because then you might actually be conscious when the snake comes back

to finish you off.

Gotcha. Better to die.

Hey, let me ask you a question.

Our snake guy, does he seem kind of batshit crazy?

I mean, he's best friends with a snake. Of course, he's a little quirky.

But I like him. Really? Yeah.

Then again, I used up all my vacation days to come make a self -financed snake

movie with you three.

Your judgment's really off. My judgment is off. Anybody talk to the captain?

It's time to shoot. I'll reach out again.

Hi, guys. My name is Anna. I believe you spoke to my father on the phone.

Bruno? That's your dad?

Yeah, he sent his apologies, but he's at the hospital.

Oh. Ah, I'm sorry.

Unfortunately, you'll have to make other accommodations because I need to take

this boat upriver for a routine service.

But I can assure you a full refund. No, wait, wait.

Everything else is booked. Yeah. And we're going to shoot a movie. It's a

reboot. Vanaconda? Technically, it's more of a reimagining, but it's actually

more of a spiritual sequel.

Good for you.

There's got to be a way, right? We can crew the boat. There's nothing I can do.

We have dreamed of making this film together our entire lives.

Please. I am begging you. Please.

Help us find another way.

Let's do this, but with a fast pace. Okay.

Timmy? Yeah, bud? How did you find this boat?

Yeah!

Before we go to bed, we've got a big day tomorrow.

If you remember, we had a tradition on all our films. The night before we

started shooting, we would say a prayer to the movie god, asking them to

basically not screw us over.

And for the first time ever, may they listen. Come on, to the movie god.

Anaconda, scene 15, take one. Stop it.

Bella!

What the hell are you still doing here?

I've come to take you home. It's time you stopped chasing this mythical snake.

And what if I'm not prone to giving up?

I didn't see you filming there.

What are we doing, EPK? Background DVD bonus stuff.

The Anaconda is the story of an intrepid biologist, played by Claire, who hires

an unhinged snake tracker.

Played by Griff.

To hunt down and kill a giant mythical conda that ate her entire family.

Come and get me, you goddamn snake!

And on a deeper level, it's about chasing your dreams.

And camera set, push -ups good, and action!

What's it like shooting with Doug again? He and I... our best friends. We've

worked together our whole lives, and I went out to L .A., and he was going to

come out. We were going to be a partnership, and he didn't do it. Griff

planned to work together in L .A., but, you know, life intervened. But it

doesn't matter, because now we're together, and now we're back. We're

this, and it's as it should be.

I am the infant!

You're not going to move slow and steady.

Sometimes it goes fast.

Nate P .O .B., R .D., take one.

No, it's not working.

Snake POV, the right way, take two.

Sometimes he goes from above in the trees, sometimes from below in the

The toothpick, it unlocked a couple of aspects of his character for me.

Something there.

Why would I be nervous about doing a love story with Grip? You guys used to

date. That was a long time ago.

A little bit of chaos is part of the ingredient.

Maybe look at each other. This might be the last time you look at each other.

You'd think you'd be a little nicer to the guy who's out here to save your

You're an asshole.

And a PhD.

And cut.

Great stuff, guys.

We got it. Should we go one more time?

Want to try it again?

No, I'm good if you're good. Let's go one more time.

The chemistry between you two is... Yeah?

Like we were right back in high school.

When you looked up at her?

Well, that's because of your note.

About taking the beat right before you did it? Yeah, yeah. I made the scene.

I tell you, I never felt like this on SWAT. I mean, granted, I was only in a

couple of episodes, but it was never collaborative. It was never fun. Not

this. This is... Like we were back on Quatch?

Yeah.

Yeah. Hey, so, one scripting.

I was thinking, at the midway point, instead of talking the bad guy out of

what if Claire's character headbutts him?

Sorry, headbutts him?

Headbutts him.

Or, or... We both do.

Double headbutts.

Come on. It's kind of revolutionary.

That is super revolutionary.

Why is that super revolutionary?

Well, it's never been done.

Jesus Christ, this is a beautiful scene with real stakes, Doug. Feel free to

weigh in here.

No, I hear you. I do. And as always, I trust your instincts on this.

But a double headbutt is pretty revolutionary. Right? It is. It's very

revolutionary. Yes. There's no denying it. None. Come on. Claire, is the

you just don't know how to headbutt? Why would I not know how to headbutt? We're

not born with these skills. We learn them along the way. Let me show you.

core. Breathe in. Hold that breath.

And you can vocalize.

Another kind of headbutt is more unleashed. Just full on.

You got the arms in there. That's good. Send that shit into the goal. Or you put

some Brazilian sauce on that.

You know.

And you go, oh, Toma.

Toma. Toma. Hey, I love it. Yeah, that's right.

Brazilian fight.

Yeah. I was going to headbutt. I would go for the bridge of the nose. Yeah.

Just crack it. Yeah.

Jesus. That's not bad.

That's not bad. That's it.

Yeah.

Five. Yeah, that's good.

Toma. Toma. Yeah.

Toma. Yeah. Toma! Toma! Toma!

I'm sorry, but how could this happen?

Huh? Kenny, I thought you said this guy was a pro.

That's what he said, but he hasn't provided us with a certificate.

You fixed the crate, right? It's taken care of? My thing, my job, under

All good.

My Hator, he's a beautiful, intelligent, smart, sexy creature.

He does exactly what I command.

And I would never let anything happen to you.

or the crazy one, or her, or her, or this actor here.

What the... So have a good night.

May the sounds of the forest be the music of your dreams.

Jesus.

He's a poet.

Okay. Actors on your mark.

Santiago, is Hightower ready?

Yes. Hightower's always ready. Hightower's ready. And action.

Cut, please.

Um, cut?

Yeah. All right, cut.

Kenny, do you mind if I... Santiago, take five. Hightower, five.

Hey, hey. Wow, that's really...

Huge when you see it up close and personal like that.

Majestic creature.

But I just want to... I throw myself in front of the snake to kind of protect

Claire's character, right? Correct. Is there any value in not doing that?

What? No.

No, no. He sacrifices himself for her.

It caps his arc. It's so important.

Right. And also, dude, it's totally safe.

Yeah. Santiago has Hydra under control. Okay. You've got nothing to worry about.

We're good. Yeah. We're good.

Okay. All right, let's do this.

All right, take it from the top.

Back to one.

Santiago, high chore.

Action.

Go.

I'm not leaving.

Not without you, Derek.

This thing's got me.

The world is depending on you.

I'm depending on you.

Okay. Put your face right up next to the snake.

I don't like it. I don't want to do it anymore.

Get a tiny bit closer.

Get closer. He's scrambling.

I think you've got it, dude.

No, I don't quite have it. Hold it. Just a couple more beats. You've got this,

Chuck. This is gold. Just give me one more second. One inch closer to your

Get it right up in there.

You're a hero.

I know you think this is strange.

A grown man get emotional over some dad's neck.

Jesus.

But I loved him.

And he loved me back.

Whatever way he could.

Oh, God.

No.

Why is Kenny crying?

Hey.

I don't want you here. Not for this!

You tried to murder me.

Griff? What?

Let the man grieve. You murdered my friend! Just get out of my face!

Where am I supposed to go? Griff!

Go! Just move!

is my friend.

May the divine snake welcome you,

my dear friend.

Snake -ity snake.

Snake -ity snake.

Yeah.

What are you getting out of that?

They're doing a strange funeral for some kind of snake, I think.

What kind of funeral for a snake?

I'm sorry.

I'll take you to my place.

No, not you. No.

I know. I'm sorry. I don't mean... I'm not trying to disturb you. I just

wanted... Just leave him alone. I'm sorry for your loss.

I know you don't believe me, but it's true. I really am.

A friend of mine died once, too, and it hurts.

Was it a snake?

Was it a snake?

No.

It was just a human person.

Oh.

Yeah, it's still sad, right?

Totally. Anyway, I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

Beer?

Well, how much feels here, but, you know, let's mix it up.

A few commercials, TV.

Did a few episodes of SWAT.

Oh, SWAT?

Yeah. Oh, I like that one.

I swear, I even had the last line. Thanks. The last, thanks. Last line of

three. So what happened?

Well, the producers decided that... They didn't really need that character,

though. They got rid of me.

I mean, it's only been going about eight or nine more seasons.

They don't deserve you.

Yeah, you're a star.

Thank you. Yeah.

You thinking of this?

I mean, an industrial... You know what movie I like?

What? The Legend of Baggerfest.

You should do a movie like that. Oh, man, I wish.

Yeah.

I like you.

I like you, too.

You know what? What? I'll get a new snake for your movie now.

Really? Yes.

Oh, my God. Thank you so much.

Yeah. You come with me, of course.

What?

Should we be in here?

Maybe we should head back.

What was that?

What was that? Shh.

Listen.

There's snakes around here. I can feel it.

What does it feel like?

I don't know.

It's just very snakey.

What? It's snakey?

Ah.

They hear from vibrations on the ground.

And there's tap and a tank.

Drawing them closer.

And when the jungle goes quiet, that's when

an order grows.

Santiago! Santiago!

Santiago!

Nope.

What do you think, Santiago?

I don't think he's come back.

Back? From what? We went out to go get a new snake. You went to find a snake in

the middle of the night? Yeah, well, we need one for the movie. It was dark. We

got separated. It was crazy out there. Griff, Griff, Griff, Griff. What? You

went out in the middle of the night to find a juicy snake in the jungle? You

know what that's called?

Producing.

Really? I guarantee he will be back with a giant snake. And you and I are making

movies.

You're right.

Santiago's a pro.

He'll be fine. If he's not back soon, we'll go look for him.

Oh, Santiago.

Guys, it's been over an hour. I have to go find him.

Well, you're not going alone.

Yeah, we're definitely coming with you. It's safer that way.

Have you guys tried this thing?

It's like a warm bowl of soup, but in chair form.

Yeah, man.

Chairs.

They, like, hold you, man.

They literally have arms, right?

Oh, wow.

Like when your parents are gone?

We still have chairs, you know?

The hell are you talking about?

Let's go find Santiago.

Let's get a snake for our snake movie. Yeah, Santiago!

Let's go!

direction are we headed in um like that way wait kenny

are you high right now yeah but i'm good i already peaked jesus christ kenny

we're completely lost wait you guys this way

it looks like an old camper man

What is

that?

Oh, maybe Santiago's sleeping in there. Hola.

Wow.

Looks totally abandoned.

Anybody home?

Maybe some food and water.

We could stay here. At least tonight.

Oh, man. There's got to be snacks in here.

Dang!

That's where that guy went!

Oh my God, what is out there?

We gotta go now!

Let's go, let's go! We can't let him crush the van! Crush the van?

It's not working! Watch!

It's a camper van. It's probably... It's got a split -charge battery. The relay

probably popped off. It's underneath the hood. Kenny, can you fix it? Usually I

could fix it, yes, but I'm still having some visual problems because of the...

You did it to me again! You did it on the wedding video and then you wasted

your ass!

Again! I'm really sorry, boss.

Oh, Buffalo Sober!

You're Buffalo Sober!

Do you have any more?

Griff, please can you... you fix it i think i'm better suited to be your wheel

man talking about i've always been a better driver than you now you've been a

safer driver i passed the driver's test on my first drive you took three times

yeah but that's because that was because of yield i didn't know now i know what

that is oh my god we're gonna die

What are you doing? What was that? You're not supposed to get that big. Oh,

it was like a dinosaur.

Hey,

maybe we can ask these guys for help. We have to

stop. Do not stop the car. Anna, what is going on?

They're illegal gold miners who patrol the jungles around here.

These guys are dangerous.

They'll kill anyone processing to their territory.

Oh, shit! They're gonna kill us!

Why are these two together?

Riff, can't you drive any faster?

Whoa, whoa, Adder, what are you doing?

Where is she?

Oh my god. Where is she?

Who? Who do you mean?

I know there's someone else here. So, where is she?

Let's go, come on.

We gotta go, fast.

Look, I can get you guys out of here. All we need to do is keep heading north.

There's a small airport about a day and a half from here.

You can get us home?

Yeah. Get us home. I think we've got to call it.

Man, we've got such good stuff, and we're so close.

Really?

We're going home?

Buddy, I know.

I don't want to go home empty -handed either.

But we came out here to make Anaconda, and now we're in it.

Guys, emergency meeting.

Cast and crew only. Kenny, sit down. What is that?

New pages.

We have some time before the next port, and I had an idea last night that I

think is just too damn good not to shoot. Doug, everybody's pretty burnt,

Just hear me out. I'm begging you, please, Kenny. All right. Sorry, boss.

you. What if you two, on your way to find the anaconda, run into a total

on an incredible quest?

Oh, that's interesting.

Let me guess.

To expose the legal gold miners?

Bingo. Raising the stakes?

Exactly. And while they're hunting down this mythical snake, they actually end

up fighting the real villain.

An even bigger snake.

Man. Oh, yeah.

Yes.

Man. I like this.

This is good. And if we add this element, it does make the movie much

Like now it's about something.

Fiends.

Fiends.

Yeah.

Okay. You know what, guys? I didn't want to say anything before, but this

thing might be an awards play.

I mean, the Academy loves social horror. Right?

Dude, you could be the white Jordan Peele.

I was thinking the same thing.

We've been through so much, you guys.

Let's finish this movie.

I'm in.

Let's do it. Yeah.

Oh, who are you going to get to play this new awesome character?

Toma!

One naughty job.

And cut.

Yeah!

That's what I'm talking about. Nice.

You sure you've never acted before?

I swear.

Some of the best acting I've ever seen.

You're a natural.

You're incredible. Thank you. Take five. Next up, we got 72.

Guys,

you see what I'm saying?

Yeah. She's incredible, right? Yeah, yeah. Hey, a question, though.

If she saves us, it doesn't really give my character anything to do. Yeah.

This was supposed to be the moment where my character starts falling for Derek,

so he needs to do something heroic, you know?

Unselfish. I don't know, you guys. This just feels like her moment. She actually

did it in real life.

But good news, I'm going to shoot all the rest on her so you guys have the day

off.

See you later.

Take the day off.

Huh.

movie griff and he's just cutting us out yep welcome to show business baby

you're not in it unless you're getting screwed over by your friends you

ever wake up and wonder what the hell have i done with my life

oh yeah like every day hey at least you had the guts to go after what you wanted

you think i wanted to go to law school what have i got to show for it though

you know what i have i have a terrible apartment and a 74 -year -old roommate.

Sometimes I go to Trader Joe's just to feel air conditioning.

You at least have a career.

I mean, what do I have to show for it?

I got no family, no career.

Never done anything that matters.

No nothing.

It's never too late.

I know you're in there.

Let's make a movie.

Hola, amigo.

Jesus, come on, get dressed. We've got a packed day.

What are you talking about? I am dressed. I'm dressed really pretty, very

nicely. All right, can you just take a cold shower? We've got to film, like,

now. You know what you should call the movie?

Anaconda. Get it?

Anaconda. Because of the anna. Can you just get in costume?

You know what? You wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for me.

Without me, you'd still be stuck in Buffalo shooting your bullshit wedding

videos.

Films. Yeah, you can tell yourself that.

My God, you know what? I vouch for you, too.

Even the rights holders. They're like, who is this guy? I said, trust me, he's

good.

What is that?

Are they making a movie?

Excuse me.

Are you guys shooting a movie?

We're doing a reboot of Anaconda.

Come again?

A reboot of Anaconda.

Anaconda? Like Ice Cube Anaconda?

Yes.

That's weird.

So let me get this straight.

You don't have the rights to Anaconda?

No, well, I... Not legally.

And you've never owned the rights to Anaconda?

I mean, who owns Anaconda?

Sony.

Sony owns Anaconda. Yeah, no, no, I know that. No, I mean, like, you know...

In the larger sense. Why would you tell us that you had the rights to the

goddamn Anaconda franchise when you very much don't have the rights to the

goddamn Anaconda franchise?

Do we really even need the rights, really? I mean, who gives a shit?

About IP?

Yeah. Literally everyone.

That's what big movies are! That's why we're here!

You think that's why we're here? Yes, that's why we're here! We almost died!

We're out in the middle of the goddamn jungle for a lie.

I had to lie.

I had to lie to you. You wouldn't have come otherwise. You wouldn't. None of

would have.

Bullshit. Not bullshit. It's why you never came out to L .A. with me in the

first place, even though we had a whole plan to work together.

Your whole life, you've just been dictated by fear.

Griff, you're fired.

What? You're fired.

No, I'm not. You can't fire me. You know why?

Because I quit already.

Last night.

I just didn't tell anybody yet.

So... Too bad for you, I guess. Because I already quit.

Let's find the anaconda boat. Maybe they can help me get home.

Just think about this. It's not safe.

That's a tiny boat.

There's a giant snake out there.

Please don't do this.

J -Lo!

Ice Cube!

Jon Voight!

Are you in this one?

Help me! Help me, Jon! Help me!

Help me! It's okay!

It's okay!

Calm down! I'll come get you! It's okay! You're safe!

You're safe!

Oh, God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Doug. Doug, what's going on? Why have we stopped?

Well, uh, Anna found a great place to shoot the next scene. The next scene?

Look, look, okay, I know.

Losing Griff was hard, but between the four of us, we can finish this film. I'm

not going home empty -handed. Come on, man, without Griff...

That's not part of the plan. Well, plans change, and that's part of filmmaking,

too. No, no, Doug, we have to go back for him. He's not safe out there.

Anna, we need to turn the boat around. We are not turning the boat around.

we're not turning the boat around. Everyone off the boat now.

What's going on?

Anna, what are you doing? This definitely isn't the plan. Well, plans

Doug. Isn't that filmmaking?

And every good film needs a bit of a twist.

off the boat now.

To the dock.

You gonna carry these for me back to the boat? Let's go. And then what?

And then you gonna shoot us?

No!

I'm not going anywhere until you tell me what's inside these bags.

You wanna look at it?

Look at it.

Wait.

Is that... Gold?

So you're the miner?

You did all of this for money?

Very quick, Claire.

No!

I'm not going to be part of your shit!

Holy shit!

Wait!

Calma.

You don't move!

I'm with the government to track illegal gold miners.

And Anna here runs one of the biggest rings in Brazil.

Don't trust anything she says. She's a liar.

She's a damn liar.

We're filmmakers from Buffalo.

We're working on a spiritual sequel to Anaconda. And I don't know if she

mentioned that, but it's not just a reboot.

And I kicked out my friend who had the lead. And I gave her a juicy -ass role.

And this is how she treats me? Shut up!

I don't know what you're talking about, man. Off topic. Go.

Arrest her. Oh, thank God.

Oh,

my God.

Who shot me?

That'd be me, asshole.

Griff? No.

He was a good guy.

I'm a good guy.

He's a cop.

Look, I don't... What?

I'm a good guy. Drop it on your knees now, the four of you.

Fetching the water.

Wait, I... Now!

No,

no, Anna.

Don't, don't do this.

You too, Claire, on your knees, now! You don't have to be this person.

I have children at home.

They're 10 and 13.

Please.

Please. Think about what you're doing to my kids. Just shut your mouth. Turn

around now.

On your knees.

Now!

Eat that shit!

Nice! For the record, that... That's how you headbutt, bitch!

You won't do it.

You don't have the balls. I know you, Claire.

You don't know me.

I don't even have kids.

Jesus Christ!

Wait, I think the boat is back that way. Yeah, but so is the snake. We can't go

that way. We got to take this trail and get to the high ground.

Wait, what's that?

What?

Did it bite you? Yeah, you know what? I think it bit me. I think it got me.

Dougie, Dougie, I know it hurts, but we got to get out of here now because the

snake is out there. Sorry, I can't move. My leg is freaking out.

What are we going to do?

We're going to have to piss on you, man.

Huh? On the bite.

It's the only way.

I thought that was just jellyfish.

No, no, no, no. It's all animals.

Are you sure?

Positive. Someone's got a pith. I need one of your piths.

I'd love to be able to help out, but I'm just... I am drained, tapped, bone dry.

Claire, you want to take care of this? I'm wearing a onesie. Tammy, we don't

have time to argue about this. You're up.

You know this isn't possible.

Why not?

Because he's... pee shy.

I have urinary stage fright. I haven't been able to pee in public in 35 years.

My life sucks.

You can do this.

You have to do this.

Whiz on me.

You got it, buddy. Okay.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

You can do it. You can do it. Let it flow.

Let it flow. Yeah.

Just piss on me. Come on. Whiz on me.

Whiz on me. Do it. Whiz on me.

You don't think I want to do it?

I would love to piss all over you, man.

But it's not in the cards.

Whiz on me. I can't. Now.

You can do it.

Whiz on me. Do it, Ken. That is an order.

Whiz on me. Now. Okay.

Okay. You got it, buddy. You do it.

There's one more problem. What?

I haven't told you about this.

I can only pee sitting down.

Jesus Christ.

I need a chair.

Just do it.

Sorry about what I said before on the boat.

The truth is, I've been jealous of you for a long, long time.

Jealous? For having the balls to do what I couldn't.

For going after what you wanted, going to L .A. and putting yourself on the...

I'm dead!

Oh, my God!

We have to go after him.

We have to get out of here. We do not have a choice. Come on.

What did I do?

I tricked him into coming here, and now he's dead. No.

No. We all chose to be here. I wish it was me.

It should be me. This is not your fault, and we have to keep going. Hey, guys.

I think I found out which way we should go.

Open field.

We got to get across it to get to the boat. But we can't just run across. It's

too exposed.

The snake could come from anywhere.

Maybe we can create a distraction.

Yeah, yeah, maybe. But how do we do that?

I mean, it's going to be...

What? Oh, my God.

Doug,

no.

Oh, Dougie. Dougie. Come on, man.

Baby.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Wait. Wait.

Baby, Doug is the distraction.

I know this is horrible, okay?

But if we can drag Dog out to the field, hop up and attach

the board to his back, wouldn't we make it really hard for the snake to swallow

him?

It'll occupy the snake long enough for it to get across the field and get back

to the boat.

That's a really smart idea.

Dog.

This is horrible. It's meant saving all of us. I'm sure Doug would have wanted

this. I'm not sure he would have wanted this. Wait.

We got to go. What are you doing?

Snakes. They love squirrel meat.

Wait! The snake is right behind him!

I can't...

I thought you checked his pulse! Right there! No, you did a shitty job!

What the fuck?!

I'm okay now.

I thought we lost you. Can I say something?

I'm sorry.

I think I got so caught up in wanting to play a hero that I lost sight of what

it is that's really important to me and that's just making stuff with you guys

again.

Griff, I feel the exact same way. I love you guys.

I just have one question.

Whose idea was it to put that dead squirrel in my mouth?

Like a group decision.

Really? Yeah, it wasn't like one person.

Snakes love squirrel meat. I knew it was your idea!

Guys, come on, we gotta keep moving. All right, well, I made a choice, and I'm

sticking with it!

Holy shit.

It's the Anaconda set.

What happened? It's destroyed.

Hello?

Is anyone there?

Hello?

Can you help us?

What? Again? Sorry.

Shit. Ice Cube?

Who'd you think it was?

John Boyk? Let's go!

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm all right.

The snake tore up the set.

Everybody scattered.

Lamp hit me. I'm down. I get up.

Nobody there.

What about J -Lo? Yeah, there are extolts. Jenny from the block, so she

okay, but Eric ain't from the block.

Jesus damn it.

I don't know how we're gonna do it, but we have to kill it before it kills us.

I'm with that. I'm with that. Hey, how are they gonna do it in your script?

The writer never finished the third act. What?

You guys started shooting before you knew the end? Welcome to Hollywood,

Buttercup. That's what they do. They just make it up as they go along.

What was the general gist? Do you have any idea?

All I know is they were setting up pyrotechnics all through here.

Is it still up?

It's hooked up, but I don't know how to work pyrotechnics.

Gotta go save J -Lo and Stoltz, okay?

Really? You're going after them. They the homies, okay? I can't leave them out

here with the ops.

I got to go and represent.

They my castmates.

Actors code.

Respect. Yay, yay.

Do you mind?

Let's search fans.

Everything you do.

Man, y 'all group it out. Y 'all group it out. What? Let's go.

Let everybody get in here.

Fan, okay.

Don't post that. No, no, no, no.

Can we get one more for safety? I don't think my face was totally in there. No,

it's fine.

You're going to need that. Oh, are you sure? Of course.

100%. What are you thinking?

Just make sure that's exactly what I'm thinking, which I'm sure it is, totally.

I'm super sure.

Think about killing that snake.

I think that's it. That's what I was thinking about, too.

Okay, here's the plan.

Griff, you get the detonator from Kenny.

Claire, you fire up the generators.

Kenny, you set up the cameras.

I'll get the golf cart.

We'll lure the snake into the pyrofield and end this thing once and for all.

You ready for our big Hollywood ending?

You ready?

Yeah. Kenny said as soon as we get to the pyrofield, we can detonate these one

by one.

Gonna blow this bitch's guy up. Sky freaking high.

Come get us, asshole!

Where is he?

Oh, yeah!

This is it, so fast, sir! Take off the governor!

Go underneath there, people are gonna rip it off! The governor! The governor

exposed himself! What the hell are you talking about? I'm talking about golf

cart technology!

Where's the governor? I don't see it, I don't know where it is! Keep your head

on a swivel!

I don't see it anywhere!

Oh, my God!

Oh, shit!

We don't get this thing online in time. Then we're all dead.

Let's go.

Dude,

you're actually a really good driver. Thank you!

Oh, my God!

Why is there no power? Why is there no power?

Pyrofield, get ahead.

Now or never.

Arms and ready.

Look for something like this, okay?

All those things...

It's getting closer! It's getting closer!

turn it on.

It's a dead end.

Oh, shit.

We're all gonna die.

Not on my watch, mister.

And that's a wrap on Snake.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

A long time ago, a group of artists had a vision to one day live their dream of

making a major motion picture.

And last year, against all odds, I'm proud to say that dream was real.

As my friend Kenny likes to say, the snake is a metaphor.

for the monsters that come for all of us if our dreams remain unrealized. And to

be clear, there's also a non -metaphor snake.

Oh, my God! Quick shout -out to Claire Simon and Penny Craft.

There's our last snake.

While we may not have the right... We don't. We definitely

don't have the right. This is our completely unauthorized...

Possibly illegal.

Reboot of the Sony classic film.

Ladies and gentlemen, The Anaconda.

Are you Doug McAllister?

Uh -huh.

You directed the unauthorized version of Anaconda, even though you didn't have

the rights.

Yeah.

I saw your little movie.

And I loved it.

I loved it.

That's why I'm here. I'm here because we're doing another Anaconda, and I want

you to direct it.

Are you in?

my anaconda Don't want none unless you got buns, hun.

I like big butts

and I cannot lie.

You other brothers deny.

Now when a girl walks in with an 80 -degree waist and a round thing in your

face, you get run.

Want to pull up? Tough. Did you notice that butt was tough?

Keepin' the jeans he's wearin'. I'm hooked and I can't stop fairin'. Oh,

want to get rich, y 'all. And here's your picture.

Guys?

Riff?

Thank you.

Thanks for watching!