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Tonight on Vanderpump Rules, secrets revealed.

Oh, my God.

Lisa Vanderpump and the staff of Sir serve up never -before -seen moments.

Like that.

I'll choke for Lisa any time.

Wait, wait, wait. Kristen hasn't slept with this guy yet?

And behind the scenes secret.

Take a grapefruit and you size of your man's yumminess.

So you like stinky feet. I like them dirty.

They're in my mouth right off the bat. I do need some makeup.

Ooh, that's a nice pose. I am way too drunk for my own good. White girl

Hey, hey. Weird ass like that.

It's Vanderpump Rules Secrets Revealed.

Jax, I was shocked that you went to Vegas and...

Didn't impregnate anyone you behaved yourself, and I think you were maybe the

most shocked of all I was you know I Yeah,

I guess I'm just getting older and getting older and starting to wise up a

little bit again

Obviously

we're all good boyfriend, but There's nothing saying we can't be social,

Being good boys.

All right. It's okay to look at the menu.

Just got to know where to go home to eat.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. We set parameters so we are allowed to look

or no?

Dude, no, we can be social. It's fine.

If we went to a monastery and behaved, that would mean nothing.

We're going to be putting ourselves to the test.

Just take a very small, small laugh.

Please tell him. Please tell him to take off his... No, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no.

Just do it, man. Come on.

Yeah! There we go. Yeah!

I'm a little insecure because I make a lot of dad bod.

Everyone's, like, ripped and tan and gorgeous, and I feel a little insecure

here.

It's Peter's birthday and, like, Peter has the longer hair.

I'm in a relationship now.

I'm in the best relationship of my life ever.

We don't need a ring or anything to know, like, where we're at.

I mean, dude, I'm proud.

I mean, guys, we could be a little cool. I mean, we don't have to walk around

with signs around our neck saying we are in committed relationships.

Oh, yeah, me too. Not even 1%. I mean, if we say it enough in our heads, it

might even turn true.

I like this. I like this dog.

We are at a pool party with alcohol. There are girls wearing hardly anything.

But that doesn't mean we're shutting.

Or rude to people.

I love you. Let's be honest. We are going to keep on drinking.

And drinking.

And drinking.

I can't stop it.

It's not really our fault.

Peter, where are you taking us now? We're eating.

Okay. Peter's in charge now.

I'm hurting.

I'm not going to lie to you. I'm hurting.

Hurting. You guys, first and foremost, I am way too drunk for my own good. It's

tense.

He's laughing at me. Why are you laughing? He knows I'm drunk. You're so

I know. I know.

Pounding him, right? How many shots did we do at the pool? Dude, I lost count.

I lost count.

White girl wasted.

Top ten most wasted I've ever been in my life.

I'm going to say about five.

Thank you, Jack.

Top five. I'm struggling.

I'm like, still drunk, still hammered. You overindulge in every capacity. The

maturity level falls, the IQ falls.

How did you sleep last night? That was awesome.

Dude, you got a lot of ass this weekend, straight up. You ravaged me last night.

You ravaged me.

Can I look at the camera and smile?

You all

need to f***ing grow up.

This is why I get excited about these guys trips.

Yeah weird ass like this Hey guys, they're being drunken idiots, but not

There you go. Yeah Never drinking fireball again ever Shorts is kind of

like their punching bag at times

It's so much fun. We have so many ideas.

We should do this.

Doesn't that sound like something out of second grade? It makes me laugh.

How can you not laugh at it, Annie? I mean, it's kind of ridiculous.

Lisa, everyone knows there's not a bigger animal lover than you. How many

animals do you have right now at Villa Rosa?

I have seven turtles, eight bongs, two ponies, and eight dogs. So what's that,

25? I don't know. It's bordering on Neverland, isn't it? Well, yeah, it

is. Is this within code?

I'm sewn for horses and livestock, wild animals. Very good. Can you name them

all? Do I have to?

Now, you guys, are you hungry?

Panky?

Panky, come on. Panky's really put on weight. He's looking so much better now,

isn't he?

He's beautiful now.

We're running a zoo here, don't you?

I guess I'm like the old lady with a lot of cats. I have a lot of animals.

Come on, bath time.

Come here.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Come on.

Hold your ass still for a second.

Oh, look what I'm doing. And I'm washing a horse's ass.

I have Pikachu, Jiggy.

Oh, hold on. Let me think about it.

Pink dog, lollipop, Pikachu, jiggy.

What's wrong with me?

I'm full of poppies.

Take little man off me.

Little man? Little man's okay, isn't he? Let me try and do it again. Okay. I

have pink dog, Pikachu, jiggy, lollipop, daddier, rumpy, pumpy, diamonds, rosé.

I have hanky, panky, six other swans, seven turtles, and a pot -bellied pig.

But sometimes I call him my husband.

I mean, is that eccentric? Yes, it is. Am I apologizing for it? No, I'm not.

Come on, pink dog.

Shorts are the mini pony's scarier in person. That was hilarious.

Shortsy, are you crazy? Take him out. He's going to do a big poop.

Oh, God.

I'm scared of horses.

That whole moment was kind of like a fantasy for me, you know? It's like the

ponies are coming in, the white ponies, and Lisa comes down the stairs in a

robe. It was like I've had that dream, that fantasy before.

It was all happening. It was just like... One of your high points was when

told Katie that she was never really a model.

I was trying to transition out of acting and modeling.

You never did it in the first place, so don't compare what you did to me. I

never did what? You never, I mean, acting and modeling, really.

I guess I was a little... I mean, I wasn't much of a model as I was into

I'd done theater since I was seven years old. It was the one thing I knew how to

do and do well from the time I was little. I'd be like, what have you done?

sorry, what have you done? Oh, I've booked a decent amount of work. Oh, the

music video and the student film? What are you talking about? I've booked a ton

of jobs. I've booked like six, five.

Are you serious? Do you want me to go down the list? No.

See how hurtful it is? I know, but I think you have to at this point. Katie,

call this goals a pipe dream.

It is a pipe dream. No, it's not.

Being, like, in the modeling industry is an everyday commitment.

You wake up every morning, you have to submit yourself, you have to chase down

every job. It's really easy to come out here and get lost in the thought.

So, how you doing?

Good, man. Hey!

Oh, my God. So, I'm excited, you guys.

I've actually only done one other photo shoot with Ariana, and that was Lisa in

the 50s gear.

More attitude.

Now work it.

Okay, we got it. Okay, good.

We both are building a career, and having really good pictures, fashion,

headshot, they all really help.

I'm going to throw this jacket over this vest.

And getting yourself out there.

I need about 35 minutes to get into character.

Tom has... packed enough luggage to travel around the world for this photo

shoot. I did not bring as much stuff as Tom. Oh, okay. No big deal. My strategy

for photo shoot wardrobe is to bring the underneath essentials.

This is all of my lingerie.

Okay, perfect.

Tom's perspective is, this is Silas. This is just you.

I'm going to bring everything I've ever worn ever in my life.

It looked like we were moving out of the house.

I did make two trips to the car. Tom, be a little high maintenance.

More pants.

Brought some glasses, too.

You really did bring a lot, Tom.

I don't need makeup, right?

We can put a little bit on if you want. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Oh, okay.

Last thing you ever want is to have, like, a different color face than that.

Such a rookie move.

So here we go.

I'm excited.

Got to get into character. My hair looks good. Got to bring all my sexy.

All right.

Let's do this.

Ready? Yeah.

Nice.

Nice.

Ooh, that's a nice pose. Don't move.

I'm in love with Tom for his heart and his brain and his thoughtful

nature. But it's convenient that he's also beautiful.

I love that. Ariana, look at the camera. Right there.

That's perfect, yeah.

And he knows how to take a picture.

It works out well for today.

That's a wrap!

Woo!

That's how we do it.

Coming up... I don't want people to know that we're not perfect. I don't think

anybody thinks you have the perfect relationship, Shana.

Everybody does.

Kristen, we saw you and James try to save the relationship in couples

but what we didn't see is that you went to a crystal healer. What?

What did you think crystals could do for you? I'll tell you.

I'm a total, like, gypsy freak crystal believer.

James, what did you think about the new age idea?

I think it was cool. I mean, like, I'm open to different things. I think

crystals can do good things for people.

What are you doing, babe?

Paging it up. Cleansing the energy.

Oh, yeah. It's cleansed me.

Do you think this crystal woman is going to help our relationship?

I hope so.

James and I have been arguing a lot lately, and we definitely have our share

problems. I've done a lot of research on crystal therapy. One crystal therapy

session is equivalent to ten actual therapy sessions, so I'm down.

Hi. Hi, how are you? Heather, how are you? Nice to meet you.

Thinking the table.

Okay. Holy crap. Look at that.

You know, this is something I can be down with. You know, I'm not too

with the whole therapy thing. You know, I think that's a bit of a waste of money

at this point. But this crystal thing, let's do it.

What's great about stones is that each stone has a meaning. This is about

going on right now in your life and how you can use the energy of the earth.

Obviously know this is an Aquarius I'm in humbled to be in your energy because

there is an energy of that that kind of in the woods kind of thing too So have

you ever had anything like that? I've had this dream like my whole life of

like this Planet or something that like these like purple flower things that I

always dream about was it's like this field

There's, like, this huge mountain, and there's, like, woods going up it. But,

yeah, there's, like, little levels on the way up, too. Like, there's this one

part where there's, like, a water slide on the top of it, and I always slide

down it.

I've always been very, like, into energy and, like, you know, spirituality

around the room and, like, in the earth.

Crystals are very, like, high -energy rocks, right? They're rocks? I don't

So let's just set the intention that today we're just going to be completely

open -hearted.

Cool. All right, pick whichever one you like.

You picked one that I was going to pick. Which one were you going to pick? That

blue one. Okay.

You have one, two, three, four, five, six.

One, two, three, four, five.

Sex. So trippy.

Sex is really about having a time in your life where love is important.

Tell me exactly what happened.

Well, we didn't have sex, Kristen.

The truth is, you know, Jenna and I were definitely boning.

What's interesting is that there's a mutual respect there.

Stop coming here to my place of work and f***ing stop for me. You guys really

are on the same page. Get the f*** out of my face. So you guys are an

interesting duo together.

Certainly are. Intellectually stimulate each other, that's for sure.

Crazy.

I feel great about the whole crystal session, you know.

Kristen, I hope she feels the same way about the whole situation so we can both

take our good energy and mesh it into one perfect energy being. You both are

highly intuitive people. You guys are tapped in.

I mean, I don't know if it was because of the crystals or because I believed in

the crystals. It doesn't matter.

When I have held crystals in my bra, good things happen.

Schwartz, you said that it was Jax's...

foot fetish for Britney's feet that first got them together. That was a huge

selling point. I do. Her feet did sell me.

Yeah. I was sold on them. I love them. Those things went right in my mouth

away. Do you remember when he first told us? It's like, I made her put the

converse on barefoot, run her on the block, and then we hooked up. I'm sorry.

Everybody has a fetish, whether they admit it or not. Everybody has their

I like feet.

Guys, this is great, huh? This is nice.

Yeah.

Is this a mani -pedi party?

Grubby. Why are you really good at that? Just wrapped around my foot real good.

I thought you didn't like being touched.

Isn't it weird that I have a foot fetish, but I hate people touching my

Really? Isn't that weird?

You told Brittany to not wear socks, didn't you? I did, I did. Thick puppy.

And he toes in my mouth.

He likes when she wears shoes with no socks, so they're extra stinky.

I like feet. I have a foot fetish.

Everybody has fetishes, okay?

Beets or hands or back or ass or tits or whatever.

It's what I like.

Sorry. You know, why do you like chocolate ice cream as opposed to

don't know. That's just what you like. Yeah, yeah. It can't really help what

like. It is what it is. It's just the fact that you like them stinky.

Ew. Like I said, we all have weird, we're all different people. We all like

certain things.

So you like stinky feet?

It's just, I like them dirty.

I don't know why. Don't ask me why. He throws them right in his mouth. I've

it. Oh, my goodness.

Yeah. She loves it.

I've never had an issue with it. I don't think I could date somebody with ugly

feet.

I think that's a deal breaker.

Even girls that are kind of like, ooh, I'm weird about it, after a little

they like it. Trust me. Wow.

Stinky foot is like a fine cheese.

They're in my mouth right off the bat.

I just like her little feet, and I like them dirty. I don't know.

I know it's gross.

What do you like to do with them? That's why.

He puts them in his mouth. He does.

Dirty feet in his mouth. Dirty, smelly feet in his mouth. And you can relate to

that? No.

I love it. I love it.

Okay, there's something else I've been wanting to ask. Sheena, you said you

wouldn't date someone who was sober.

Date, initially.

But I really, I think I drink at least out of almost everyone in here. So I'm

not a person who, like, encourages going out and getting...

Watching it myself, I was taken with your approach here.

Would you get me something to drink, baby?

Sure. Thank you.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Thank you, dear.

I think Sandoval is coming by in a bit. He is very...

persistent on helping Shay kind of get out of this funk.

Because he's a good friend.

Yeah, he was in our wedding.

I think she makes me sad.

Don't do that.

About six months ago, Shay had a really big problem with drinking, and I'm kind

of worried he's going to go back to that.

He's not sitting in that chair right there like he always is.

We've got to get him back to a good place so he feels good about himself,

know? I thought we were...

in such a happy, good place.

And now my whole world has just been turned upside down.

I didn't even tell, like, our friends a lot of stuff about it. I didn't even

tell you.

I don't want people to know that we're not perfect.

I don't think anybody thinks you have the perfect relationship, Shayna.

Everybody does. They just said it last week.

I need more wine.

Some people, like myself, can just...

casually have a drink and not think anything of it. Other people, like Shay,

have that personality where one drink just isn't enough.

It's something not to be taken lightly.

Maybe next time you can have, you know, the little berries.

I want to do my job the best that I can to keep him on track and to not have him

fall off the wagon.

Grab the bottle.

It's a bottle of wine night. Just bring the whole thing in here, because I bet

we'll finish it. What he needs to do is learn how to cut back.

How to not get drunk.

Hey. What's up?

How you doing?

Good to see you. I've been better. I brought over some stuff to make drinks.

know, maybe help take the edge off.

But it looks like Sheena and her mom have already started to take the edge

Also, when... Here.

Do I double fist it or just finish this and then go with it? I think you pound

that like a shot and then drink that.

Chug, chug, chug. It's not a shot, babe.

Look, Sheena's stressed out. Our mom's stressed out.

It's a drinking occasion.

I fortunately don't have an addictive personality.

I've never had an addiction problem.

What he needs to work on is

drinking.

Not drinking so much.

I get it. It's not that easy. I just don't personally understand what that

mental battle is like because I fortunately don't have that problem, so

hard for me to help someone with that problem when I don't understand it.

I need more wine.

Coming up. Should I ask you, like, awkward questions? How many times have

had sex?

I am not getting involved.

Yeah, that's my other problem. You text me all these nice things. Sweden or

Switzerland?

I'm going to be... Switzerland.

What is it?

Switzerland.

My metaphors are just so off. It's ridiculous.

You know the country that plays neutral?

Sweden, Switzerland.

I mean, they're kind of close to each other, right?

It's Switzerland. They're different countries.

All right. Okay.

Tomato, tomato.

I'll f*** it. Canada.

I know Kevin's had a crush on her for a while now. He's like, dude, I want her

bad. Well, sure enough, the next day, that guy kind of buried his own bridge.

I'm usually kind of the bunt of all jokes.

You want to kill two birds with 13 stones?

That's not what it means. Yes, it does.

It's supposed to be kill two birds with one stone. No, you just kill two with,

like, 13 stones.

He's a big boy. He puts his hands on just, you know, two feet at a time like

everybody else. Usually it's one foot at a time.

What did I say, two feet at a time?

It was like the, what are they, the monocles and the, what was it from the

and Juliet, the capulets and the, whatever they were.

It's really no, get off my nose either way. Get off my nose, get off my back.

No, it's the shirt off your back. Damn it, I knew it. The shirt off your back

and the skin off your nose.

God, why am I so bad at these? We've all been, you know, friends for, you know,

cumulative for 15 plus years. I was reaching for that word.

I reached for it.

I was looking for a word, and I didn't know if that word was going to fit, and

it did.

Right? I don't know.

Give me a little tip.

Kristen,

one thing that I loved this year was the rise of Kristen, the serial dater.

Kevin moved in, then you were fucking faced with Alex from Below Deck.

King's Bill.

Brand new to me.

Oh, really? You used to do Interior Boys?

Like, the most fun I've ever had until I met Carter, and now it's the most fun

I've ever had. You would have been single.

You wanted her to be single and have fun.

She's never been single.

I didn't know what I wanted. That was the thing. I knew what I didn't want,

I had no idea what I wanted or what was even, like, out there.

I'm just, like, dating too many people right now, and it gets confusing.

I don't think I've ever done that in my entire life. Neither have I.

I don't know what I'm doing.

I'm not putting all my eggs in one basket, though, because, I mean,

going out with Alex tonight.

Yeah, well, you've only gone on one date. You can't put your eggs in any

That's true. I don't keep my eggs right. Spread the eggs around.

Keep my eggs right where they are. Donate that shit everywhere.

Alex just texted me. He is here. He's coming up right now. Will you do me a

favor? There is a bottle of Chardonnay in the fridge. Will you just pour him a

glass of wine so I can change really fast?

Yep.

I'm super excited that Kristen's, like, being single and putting herself out

there and meeting lots of guys.

I mean, I'm worried on who she's, like, actually going to settle on because she

hasn't been good about that in the past.

Hello. Hola. Hey, how are you? Good, how are you?

Good, nice to see you. I'm like Kristen's dad.

She's still getting ready, so you're just going to have to wait around.

Typical. You got anything to drink in here?

Yes. Should I ask you, like, awkward questions?

Yeah. Like, what are your intentions with my friend?

Let's see how it goes.

Have you guys, how many times have you had sex?

We haven't had sex, but... Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Kristen hasn't slept with this guy yet.

Oh, okay.

I don't think she's, like, 100 % into him, but that's, like, really never

stopped her before, so... They shouldn't tell me all these things.

What's up?

Hi. You got a whole bottle?

Yeah, this is for me. Oh, yeah. Hi.

Oh, you guys are so cute together.

Your tans match.

I feel like I should start working on yachts so I can save money on all my

tans. Listen, I mean, it's Alex's guy. He seems nice. And that's, like, huge

Kristen. See you guys later.

Bye, Mom.

Thanks, Mom. Don't do anything stupid.

You gonna make her beg?

No.

See ya.

Definitely not.

Jax, one thing we didn't see was you showing off your new ink.

What inspired the tattoo?

Well, obviously, I've been through hell and high water with these two.

So it wasn't something I wanted to do. I took them to the bouncy house.

And we had a moment where we got shot.

And I kind of did my reveal.

Yeah, it was. That is so romantic.

Romantic.

Hey, hey.

You again. I'm back.

What's up, Brian?

What's up, man? Good to see you. It's been a little while. I am back for

tattoo, and I'm back for another name.

As kind of a joke to my two buddies who stuck around with me for so damn long,

my two best friends, Tom and Tom.

You could do Tom and I.

Tom and I. But there's two Toms, so I got to do Tom. Tom and I.

Tom, Tom, and I. I think that would be funny.

He's the expert.

All right. Tom, Tom, and I.

We've been through a lot together. A lot of ups, a lot of downs. Do you want to

get my name tattooed on you?

No, thanks. The fact that we were able to get through all of that and still be

as close as we are means a lot.

At least these are boys this time.

Yeah. You're learning.

You got tattooed here four times?

About three years ago, I thought it would be a good idea to get my ex

-girlfriend's name softy, hoping that maybe it would win her back. Let me see

the inside of your arm.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

It didn't really work out, so I waited about a year later. I covered that up

with a black rose.

Oh, it's great.

So happy.

Then I decided to get in another relationship with Carmen, who I've been

oh, I don't know, a month, and decided to put her name on this arm.

Then I broke up with her, decided to date.

Somebody else, but we decided to cover that up with Tiffany's favorite flower,

which is a lily.

It's really good.

That's clean. I like that.

Good, right? Oh, yeah.

It looks perfect.

It's on there.

Best friends forever.

True.

Yay! Hey, boys.

Tom, come here for a second. I'm going to talk to you guys. I've got to take

in the bounce house to talk about something.

This is a tape zone. You can tell all your secrets in here.

Better be good.

So yesterday, I went with Brittany to a little place that we're all familiar

with.

So here it is.

Tom, Tom, and I.

Holy shit.

I think he just jinxed us, though.

I'm in touch.

Dude, I'm in touch for real. Okay. Sincerely touched. Good. Yeah.

Thanks, Jack. No problem.

I love you, dude. I love you, dude.

I'm in real company, you know?

I'd say, like, maybe one in five people he meets get a tattoo on his body, so

it's an honor.

All right.

When's the last time we all hugged? I don't know. Dude, seriously, when's the

last time we all hugged?

Woo!

Coming up.

You cut a hole in the middle the size of your man's yumminess. I'm just going to

pop into Whole Foods real quick.

Ariana, how have you enjoyed having Lala around, sir?

I like her.

I think that, you know, she riles people's feathers and she gets a kick

doing it. And so, of course, she's going to rub some people the wrong way. And

that's fine, whatever. She's never done anything to anybody.

I know that I can come off a certain way when you first meet me. Some people are

like, okay, like I get her.

And then there are people where it's like, I'm going to keep you at arm's

length.

How are you? Good.

You look gorgeous.

Thank you.

So, while we thought we had a wild and crazy girls night, which... Oh, I heard

about it.

Faith decided she was going to give us a lesson in grapefruiting. Have you never

grapefruited anybody before?

I mean, this sounds like some urban dictionary, but apparently it's a thing.

I haven't really heard of it, and I've done some freaky shit in my life, so...

Lala can act super flirtatious. It's like, damn, I like that. I think that's

as f***.

You just take, like, a grapefruit and you cut it in half, obviously, and you

a hole in the middle the size of your man's yumminess. Right.

And then you move it up and down while you give him head. And so it feels like

he's up in there, but he's blindfolded, so he's like, oh, my gosh, what, like, I

have no, what's happening? I feel like that could get really messy. I don't

think, I don't think I'll be, I'll be trying that out myself.

Interesting.

You know, for this being a sexy, unique restaurant, there are a lot of prudes

working here. You're a guy. If you got any kind of acidic juice on the tip of

your wiener or whatever. I think if it was on the tip, it wouldn't bother me,

quite frankly. But I think if it went inside, yeah, it can sting a little bit.

Well, that's why you've got to blindfold your man. Because if he sees it, he's

going to be like, that is going to burn me so bad.

That's crazy.

I'm not, like, approved, but this conversation is making me sick. Oh, my

So you're just going to waste a grapefruit like that? For me, the

is not a sex shop. It's where I go to buy stuff that I'm going to eat.

Not put in or around anyone's genitalia.

It's just, like, happiness for everybody.

Happiness around us.

I'm just going to pop into Whole Foods real quick. I'll be back in a second. I

enjoyed that. Thanks, guys.

Okay, let's switch gears for a second.

Jax, we got a lot of tweets about your mom.

She's a wonderful person, and I love her very much. How did she give birth to

Jax? Jax, what happened?

I have no idea.

I love going to get ice cream after a night of drinking. Not only that, let's

it downtown.

This is the creamery I wanted to take you to, Mom.

Peddler's Creamery.

This is my mom's first time really exploring California and meeting all my

friends for the first time. Is it good? Knowing my friends, I feel like they're

going to be on a mission to embarrass me a little bit. And I feel like my mom,

she's going to be out to embarrass me as well. Do you refer to him as Jack or

Jason? I refer to him as Jason.

Jason or Jack.

Jack's mom is so sweet and thinking to myself, was Jack adopted?

He was like...

Hey, dude, can I stay on your couch for like a week or something? I'm like,

okay, well, I know it's not going to be a week.

Tell him what he said.

I said, Tom, that's fine as long as he's not too big of a presence.

He is the loudest, most in -your -face human being ever.

He had the air mattress, right?

He would come in and let the air out at four in the morning, and then I would

just wake up and be on the floor.

After I let the air out, it wasn't fun anymore, so then I started taking steak

knives. And stabbing it. It was so depressing. As if my life wasn't bad

at that moment. I mean, I had no money.

Did he not get scolded enough as a child?

He's always had that cute smile.

And always doing things for, you know, the moment.

Jason, and everyone knows his ADD. I spent most of his childhood with

principals, neighborhood families.

Pretty much everywhere explaining the mind of Jason Couch.

My God, do you know how many times that boy's lived in his room?

Grounding you was just ridiculous.

You had to mow many lawns for many weeks to apologize.

But it's the ADD kid. It'll be attention, good or bad.

It didn't matter as long as it was attention.

Thanks so much, Sam.

And a little medication probably wouldn't hurt at this point in your

They've come out with some great things.

He's a grown man now. I can't ground him anymore, or I certainly would, Tom. I'm

thinking now that you're here and we're with you, maybe you could grant me and

Tom the power to ground Jax.

Absolutely. Yeah. So we'll get one of those dog collars, like a bark collar.

He might get used to that and start liking it.

Coming up... That girl is a f***ing piece of s***. Disgusting kangaroo

chain smoking, piece of sh**, whore.

Here you go.

I'm not sure what we're going to do.

Having Jesse at Thur is great. He's one of my best friends, and being at a big

gay pool party as a woman is amazing because none of these dudes are checking

out or trying to hit on me. They just want to dance, get drunk, and have some

fun. Wait, so Scott's coming?

I think so.

You know, I was thinking, Jesse invited us to a pool party. It's like, okay,

cool, you know, girls in bikinis, have a few drinks.

I show up, it's about 500 dudes with vetoes.

This is not what I signed up for.

So is this going to get, like, crazy over here? Well, Kristen and James are

coming, so that answers that question.

Whoop!

What's up, guys?

Is it a party or are we going to court right now? Oh, God.

I'm ready to go.

Kristen and James are both the kind of people who...

have to prove to the world how awesome and great their lives are by digging

their tongue down each other's throats.

This is all about respect. And right now, Kristen is not respecting the fact

that I do not want to lose my lunch and puke all over the awesome gay pool

party.

Disgusting kangaroo pouch, chain smoking, piece of s**t. I don't bother

with people like that. Look around.

There's hundreds of people here. We're all having fun. Even if Kristen's here,

you're still allowed to have some fun.

We're going to go check out the clothes. You want to come?

It's kind of intimidating.

These guys are like in really good shape. I mean, they're all like jacked

ripped.

I get the ones that say radical on the end? Yeah.

They're perfect.

Maybe I'll try the 33s or 32s. There they are.

Wow, look at those tidy -ass whitey.

Oh, my God.

Those are ridiculous.

He bought them for me. Dude, they were white when I bought them for you,

That's not white. This is the first time I've worn them. They were so cute.

Don't ever buy white underwear.

Dude, I'm not really confident enough yet to wear those.

You gotta remember I got my winter bod on right now. Summer bod is on its way.

I'm not speed already, but I'm nowhere near a dad bod.

Maybe I've let myself go a little bit. That's normal.

I mean, I'm in a relationship.

Put that shit on right now.

I'm just thinking, when in Rome, and this is some collegial shit going on

so why not?

I don't know what it is about guys when they put a speedo on that they

immediately want to start bouncing their junk around.

Maybe if I had a package, I would feel differently, but I don't understand it.

Are you a little hungry right now?

Hey,

it's the middle of the day. It's gorgeous out. We've got a pool party.

So what if it's gay? That's awesome.

And if you don't like it, you can suck it.

One, two, three.

By a show of hands, who would have left Jax in jail?

For the day. Yeah.

Yeah, just for a week or so.

Oh my god. Oh my god.

Here we have the dumbass of the f***ing century. He gets arrested in Hawaii for

getting too f***ed up and stealing some $300 plastic sunglasses.

I'm so happy about this. I'm sorry, I don't feel bad one part.

Like, are you dumb, mate? Like, you are the most ignorant, stupid piece of s***.

I think I've ever seen in my life. Not to mention, it was a mere five days ago

when you were calling me a liability.

I just heard about the Hawaii trip. I just wanted to know, like, where I

Like, you're a liability.

Jack, you idiot.

Absolute fool.

Like, how embarrassing for Britney.

It's like, this is the man that you're dating, honey. This is the man.

I'm just in shock right now.

I can't even call him a man. He's like a...

four -year -old child that's eaten too much candy that steals this toy that his

mom won't buy for him.

It's like, mate, buy yourself some glasses.

Like, he's just such a douchebag. What the hell are you thinking?

You know, this is just such a win, win, win, win for me.

I'm winning so hard right now, and Jax is losing so hard. Now Lala's going to

see the piece that she truly is.

After this trip, I'm like, you could not be any more unattractive to me. It's

going to also show Lisa that Jax is the irresponsible prick that you've known

him to be always. How do I trust you?

I screwed up, and I screwed up big time.

I'm sorry, but Christmas came very f***ing early this year, because this is

best goddamn present I think I've ever gotten in my life. Wrapped up with a

Jack's f***ing arse in jail. Thank you very much.

Thank you, Santa Claus.

I guess the last thing there is for Jack to do is to move to Canada, start his

life over again for the third time, and, you know, best of luck over there,

buddy.

Have fun in Canada.

Say hi to Sarah Palin for me, mate.

Coming up...

Find his belly button. I've been waiting for this my whole life. Oh, God.

Just tell me, is it low or high? Like that.

Doesn't it?

Okay.

Hello, all of you. Thank you for coming.

Bean is here to teach you some first aid and CPR. At some point when you work in

a restaurant, unfortunately, somebody starts to choke. And if somebody there

knows what they're doing, you can save a life. Please pay attention.

This is serious. I need two volunteers.

We're going to practice the mouth -to -mouth on the floor, and you're going to

practice on each other. So I just need two people for that.

Can we have you come and help us, please?

Oh, my God. Okay. Do you want to help us? Me? Yes, please. To lay on the

Yeah. No, I can't. I just got Botox. I have to stay upright for three hours.

not. No, I'm not doing that. Sorry.

Doctor's orders, and you can all make fun of me. I don't care. I'm not doing

I'm sorry.

That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

Yeah, but she's dying. For God's sake.

I'm dying.

Sorry, I would love to save you, but I have Botox. I'm dying.

Clearly, my forehead doesn't move. That's called Botox.

Okay, so let's have someone else.

Why don't we have fights out?

So you're going to save Ariana.

Show me positioning for mouth -to -mouth.

It's a mouth condom.

For your compressions, you're going to place the heel of your hand right on the

sternum, just between the nipples.

Now you're going to keep your elbows locked and shoulders squared directly

above. I don't think that's right. I mean, come on, we can't do this. Come on

the side of her.

From the looks of this, if Ariana comes back to life, she's going to have an

orgasm. So we need two more volunteers to do the choking, so let's have you

there, and we'll have you do it also.

You have to do it, Jane. Bye, darling.

So go ahead and be the victim.

Now you're going to go ahead and find her belly button from the front. I think

he knows where it is.

He does not. He knows where that is.

Another whole note out.

What did you say?

Nothing. Save my life.

James with me is like a kid in a candy store.

But when I see the kid running, I put the clothes sign up.

My goodies are on lock.

Now push in and up.

Ow! All right, we got it. It's out.

Jack, get up here. Let's have a go at you.

It gets up real quick. It gets up real quick. Okay.

Just depending on the person's size, you're going to have to adjust the

of it, obviously. So she's going to go ahead and find her belly button.

Oh, I can't.

I've been waiting for this my whole life. Oh, God.

Okay, where is it? I'm excited.

Go ahead. Feel free.

Just tell me. Is it low or high? Where is it? It's right here.

Oh, my God. I cannot believe you were ever, ever born and are connected to

somebody. Go on. Okay, go on.

So you're going to place the heel of your hand on the belly button.

And it really has to be like that, doesn't it? As hard as that, doesn't it?

Doesn't it? Not every day that you got your boss demonstrating maneuvers on

Harder. Harder. Even harder.

You know, I'll choke for Lisa any time.

Let's be honest. It was one of my checklist.

Jack never thought he'd be dogged out like that.

Well, that's it for Vanderpump Rules Secrets Revealed. Thanks for sharing and

thanks for oversharing.

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