Original subtitles

MAN: ...now come to be joined.

Rose and Manfred...

She's really doing it.

CHARLIE: Rose is getting married.

And we're clear.

Yep. That ought to do it.

Thanks, Freddie.

Who moves you, Rose? Him or me?

I love Manny.

Fine.

You just say the word and I'll go.

Time's up.

* Men.

MAN (on TV): ...most famous teams here at Oregon...

ALAN: Charlie, you home?

Charlie?

Hello?

Didn't you hear me?

Didn't you see me trying to hide?

Cute.

Okay, how would you feel if I said

I was moving out?

The same way Charlie Brown feels

when Lucy offers to hold the football.

Excited, but with a skepticism

borne out of countless disappointments.

(chuckling)

I deserve that.

But it's different this time.

Read this.

"A larger penis can be yours

with a noninvasive surgical procedure."

No, no, no, next to it. There.

"Dr. Dave Ciambotti.

"Orange County's number one chiropractor.

"Mention this ad for a 20% discount

and a free spinebuster key chain."

What does this have to do with you moving out?

I went to school with Dave Ciambotti.

In fact, we were roommates.

Say no more.

You're finally out of the closet and shacking up with Dr. Dave.

Congratulations, and God bless you both.

No, no!

It's okay, Alan. I don't judge.

Although I'm sure old Dave could do better.

Will you stop?

Okay, Dave and I

had the same education, the same skills.

We even started our practice at the same time.

But he does three times the business that I do.

You know why?

He offers happy endings?

Target market advertising.

Is that another way of saying happy ending?

No, no, it means newspaper ads,

flyers, radio spots.

Since Dave started doing it,

his business has been through the roof.

How much is this going to cost me?

No, no. The question is:

how much is it going to earn you?

I'll stick with my question.

Charlie, I am willing to let you get in on the ground floor

of an amazing business opportunity.

Still waiting for a number, Alan.

$5,000.

Five grand?!

For two, I can have you buried in the desert

and still have three to get myself a larger penis.

Although, to be honest,

that would just be gilding the lily.

Come on, Charlie, with targeted advertising

I could double the size of my practice.

Wow, a second patient.

You're not listening.

Once the profits start rolling in, I can move out.

And once I grow boobs, I can start dancing

the lunch shift at Les Girls, Girls, Girls.

I'm serious. This is a chance

that could completely turn my life around.

Did you ask Mom for the money? Seriously?

Nah, I'm just grasping at straws.

So what do you say?

(sighs)

Okay, fine, I'll give you the five grand.

Knowing full well that I'll never see it again,

and wishing that it was you.

Thank you, Charlie. Thank you so much.

You're not going to regret this.

You have $5,000 in your sweatpants?

I prefer to think of it

as three hookers and a Philly cheesesteak.

(phone ringing)

Hang on a sec.

Hello.

Oh, hey, Rose.

Why don't I count it while you talk?

He's gone?

Well, great. I'll be over in five minutes with bells on.

No, no, no, it's just a figure of speech.

Sure, I suppose I could try to find some bells.

Okay, I'll see you soon.

I got to run.

Her husband's at a meeting.

Oh, Charlie, really? The woman's trying to build

a new life with her husband,

and you're going to go over there

to have an affair with her? You want this money or not?

Give her my best.

Huh. That was easy money.

Hi, Mom.

Do you have a minute to hear about

an amazing business opportunity?

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

* Men.

So it isn't really a favor for me

as much as it's an opportunity for you.

Right.

Why don't you just ask your brother for the money?

Well, I thought of that, but after all he's done for me,

I'd feel horrible asking for a loan.

And after all I've done for you?

I still feel horrible,

but you never threaten to smother me in my sleep.

Not since you learned to talk anyway.

How much?

Well, I'm, uh, going to take out some ads in the Pennysaver,

uh, and on local radio.

Probably some circulars.

Uh, maybe one of those giant compressed air guys

with the flailing arms.

Um, I think I'll need...

$10,000.

All right.

Although I could make due... All right?!

You're my son.

I should at least pretend to believe in you.

Wow. Uh, thank you.

I'm putting American Cancer Society on the memo line.

Just ignore that.

No problem.

You won't be sorry.

You're going to get your money back plus interest.

Of course I am.

Never doubted it.

Is that for luck?

No, just kissing it good-bye.

* Men.

(bird call): Ba-caw! Ba-caw!

What the hell was that?

It was the all-clear signal, silly.

You couldn't just say "all clear"?

(bird call): All clear! All clear!

Much better.

So when can I see you again?

I don't know. I'll call you. How about tonight?

We'll see. Now, go.

I love you.

You only think you love me because you can't have me.

No, no, no, no. This is real. How can I prove it to you?

Vincent Van Gogh cut off his ear for the woman he loved.

Think about it.

Would you settle for my brother's ear?

Bye.

(sighs)

You forgot your bells.

* Men.

I almost forgot-- I need 100 bucks.

What for?

SAT prep class.

Oh, oh, sure.

Glad to see you're taking the test seriously.

Hey, if I don't do well on the test,

then I can't get into a good college.

And if I can't get into a good college,

then I'll never get into grad school.

And if I never get into grad school,

what kind of future can I look forward to?

What's the money really for?

Video games and online porn.

You were actually going to give me the money, weren't you?

I had a good week.

(doorbell ringing)

Oh, hey, guys.

Hey, Herb. Hey.

So how's it going?

You know, living the dream.

JUDITH: Damn it, Herb!

How many times have I told you not to use the guest towels?!

Hey, if I'm going to sleep in the guest room,

I get to use the guest towels!

Yeah. I remember that dream.

So how are things with you?

Could not be better.

Is that like me living the dream?

Oh, no, no, really. I'm, uh...

I'm working on a pretty exciting business opportunity.

Oh, no kidding. Yeah, it's, uh...

Well, actually, it's something you might...

Ah, no, never mind.

So how's the pediatrician game?

Like taking money from babies.

Come on, tell me-- what business opportunity?

Oh, well, it's an investment thing, but, uh...

but Judith would never let you get into it.

And... and the fact that my mother

and Charlie are already in

would just freak her out even more.

You mother and brother invested?

And you know they didn't do that out of love.

Yeah, they're not fond of you at all. Hmm.

Well, anyway, it's, uh... it's good seeing you.

Alan, wait.

How much are we talking about?

Well, uh, my mother and Charlie are each in for...

$15,000.

I can do that.

Hang on, I'll get my checkbook.

(whispers): Oh, and, uh, don't tell Judith.

The years I wasted actually working for a living.

Schmuck!

* Men.

* Men.

(doorbell ringing)

Hey, Mr. Harper.

Hi, Gordon. How you been?

I'm almost 40 years old, and I'm delivering you a pizza.

Kind of says it all, doesn't it?

Pretty much.

That'll be $23.75.

Oh, let me get my wallet.

Come on in.

(phone ringing)

Hang on a sec.

Hello.

Oh, hey, baby.

I thought you said Manny was at work.

I thought this was our time together.

All right, fine. Just call me when you can.

Damn.

Everything okay, Mr. Harper?

My date just canceled.

Can't the service send over another girl?

Not a girl like this one.

This is the girl I plan to spend

the rest of my life with.

Probably regretting getting the large, then, huh?

You want to join me? Do I have to give back the tip?

Nah, come on in.

So who's the woman?

Remember Rose? My Rose?

Your Rose?

Yeah, we dated for a while.

Uh, no offense, Gordon, but...

I think she was only going out with you to make me jealous.

In fact, that's the only reason she ever went out with anybody.

I don't know, Mr. Harper.

I really think there was something special between us.

She was always getting me little love gifts.

Cargo shorts, bowling shirts, 20-year-old scotch...

Yeah, I remember Rose.

So you guys are going out?

I wouldn't exactly call it going out.

She's kind of married.

Wow. Rose got married.

Yep.

To some clown named Manny Quinn.

Is he really a clown?

I have to ask, 'cause it's Rose.

No, no. He's in the fashion industry or something.

Wow. So Rose is married

and cheating on her husband with you?

Yep.

God, I love your life!

Well, thanks, but it's...

it's really not as fun as it looks.

Really? I'm kidding.

Cheers.

To me.

* Men.

Hey, Rose. It's Charlie again.

I don't know if you got my text.

I just wanted to tell you that I was thinking about you

and I can't wait to see you.

You know, when you can.

Love you.

Really, I do.

Hey, Charlie?

Yeah?

When did you become a bitch?

What are you talking about?

I was just leaving her a message.

The girl is married.

Leave her alone.

I can't.

I love her. I need her.

Bitch.

Oh, hey.

You been shopping?

Little bit.

A little bit?

Oh, you know, a few pairs of socks, a new belt.

Couple of Dolce & Gabbana suits, Gucci loafers and a Rolex.

Wow.

Business must be picking up.

Uh, it is.

But I take it not enough to pay back your investor.

Oh. Oh, no.

I-I... I fully intend to pay you back.

In fact...

here...

is your initial investment.

$5,000.

And here

is an additional... $1,000

in interest.

Berta, are you seeing this?

Am I dreaming?

You got the Kardashian sisters under the table?

Nope.

Then, you're not dreaming.

Thank you very much for your confidence in me.

Hey, it's still confidence if I'm figuring you'll fail.

I told you advertising would drive in customers,

and I was right.

Hang on a sec.

What?

Do you think more advertising would drive in more customers?

I don't see why not.

Of course, the ads would have to reach a larger audience,

and that would cost, you know, more money.

Tell you what.

Let it ride.

Really?

Come on.

In fact, here is another four.

Hold on.

Think I have more upstairs.

Oh, look in the back of your underwear drawer.

I needed underwear.

You borrowed your brother's skivvies?

That's disgusting.

I agree. That's why, when I found the money,

I took $100 to buy some new ones.

So listen.

Can anybody get in on this deal of yours?

Excuse me?

I'm always looking for smart investments.

And I've got some extra cash that's a result

of a little hydroponic farming venture in Chino.

What are you farming?

Alfalfa. What's it to you?

Gee, I-I don't know, Berta.

I mean, you realize there's no guarantees.

You'd actually be doing me a favor.

My bank asks a lot of questions about my... alfalfa earnings.

All right, fine.

How much do you want to invest?

Ten grand.

Great.

Uh, when can you get it to me?

As soon as I come back from the bathroom.

Boy, I hope she means it's behind the toilet.

* Men.

(doorbell rings)

ROSE: Who is it?

Pizza.

Door's open. I'll be right down.

Hello.

Gordon? Rose?

Oh, my gosh. It's been so long.

Yeah.

How are you doing?

Just great.

Got a new shirt with my name on it.

Lighted sign for the roof of my car.

How nice. Yeah.

How about you? I heard you got married.

Yes. I am now Mrs. Manfred Quinn.

Wow. Congrats.

Thank you. Yeah.

So...

That'll be $23.75.

Let me just get my purse.

Mrs. Manfred Quinn.

Manny Quinn.

Manny Quinn.

Holy crap, this is great.

* Men.

ALAN: It's real, Mom.

You understand my skepticism.

Sure.

And this is $12,000?

Yep. The $10,000 you gave me, plus your profit.

I don't know what to say.

How about, "I'm proud of you, Alan. Well done."

I'm proud of you, Alan. Well done.

"I knew you had it in you. Attaboy."

Let's not push it.

Okay. Well, uh, again,

thank you for helping me get my business going.

I'll see you.

Hold on.

Yes?

Since you seem to be on a roll,

what would happen if I didn't take my investment out?

And maybe threw in another eight

to make it an even $20,000?

(chuckles)

$20,000 is a lot of money.

And, as you're aware, all investments carry risk.

Darling, if you cut me out of this, I'll kill you.

What can I say? You're in.

(chuckling)

Uh, Alan has one "L."

Oh.

* Men.

(doorbell rings)

Hey, Mr. Harper.

Hey, Gordon.

$23.75? You got it.

Hey, I delivered a pizza to Rose the other day.

Oh, yeah?

Did you meet her husband?

You mean Manny?

Yeah.

I take it you haven't.

Well, no, for obvious reasons.

What kind of guy is he?

He's quiet.

A little stiff.

What did you say he did for a living?

Uh, he's some kind of important figure

in the fashion industry.

Right. Right.

So Manny Quinn--

an important figure in the fashion industry.

Right.

Here's $30. Keep the change.

Thanks.

Manny Quinn, Mr. Harper.

Fashion figure.

That's what I said.

Manny... Quinn... figure.

Uh-huh.

Manny Quinn!

What the hell is wrong with you?

Nothing. Good night.

Good night.

He's got the beach house and I'm delivering pizzas.

Un-freaking-believable!

* Men.

(doorbell rings)

How dare you.

Nice to see you, too.

You go behind my back and talk my husband

into giving you some kind of business loan?

Herb told you? Of course, Herb told me.

We love each other.

We love each other so much,

she went through my checkbook.

Not to worry.

I am very pleased to announce

that your investment has paid off.

(sighs)

That's your original $15,000,

plus 20% interest.

Wow.

You're welcome.

Oh, can... can I see?

Alan, wait.

Yeah?

What if we don't want to cash out?

Whatever do you mean?

Reinvest this and add in

the next six months of your child support.

Hold on, now. That money's supposed to be for Jake.

Oh, don't be so naive.

You want it or not?

Sure, if you insist.

Well, see you.

Bye.

I'm thinking somebody owes somebody an apology.

I'm sorry.

* Men.

* Men.

(laughing)

Unbelievable!

You ask for money, and they just give it to you.

And then you take the new money

and use it to pay back some of the old money.

But they don't want it back.

And they give you more.

'Cause they're greedy.

Greedy, greedy, greedy, greedy.

Oh, God, what have I done?

ALAN'S VOICE: Oh, quit your whining.

Who said that?

Over here.

Hi.

How you doing?

Not so good.

Feeling better?

This isn't happening.

I'm losing my mind.

Your mind is fine.

What you should be worried about is losing your hair.

Now, do yourself a favor and stop with the guilt.

How?

I'm betraying my friends.

I'm betraying my family.

Feels good, doesn't it?

Yes. No!

I'm... well, I'm not sure.

Oh, come on. You've spent your whole life being a doormat.

This is your chance to finally get what you deserve.

But what about the guilt?

The hell with the guilt.

Let's be bad guys.

Bad guys?

It's time for a change, don't you think?

Could we grow a mustache?

I've always wanted a mustache.

We're going to grow balls.

Oh, good.

I've always wanted those, too.

* Men.

See you.

Where you going? Out.

Out?

Yeah. Out.

You got a problem with that?

No. Not at all.

All right, then.

* Men.*