Original subtitles

All right, I have turned "it" into "ziti,"

uh, with a triple letter on Z and a double word on the I.

Plus, going down, I've created "za."

Za?

Uh, a colloquialism for pizza.

One of the five two-letter words

newly accepted by the National Scrabble Association.

Unbelievable.

You can call them if you want.

That's what we in Scrabble circles call

a two tile takedown.

* Bom-bom!

CHARLIE: Hey, Alan,

is our limo here yet?

Uh, sorry, I haven't seen a limo.

Oh, 100 points!

* Bow-bow!

That's a gorgeous dress, Courtney.

Thanks. Charlie insisted on buying it

for me to wear tonight.

What's the charity again?

I don't know. Landmines, orphans.

Landmines for orphans.

I just want to show you off.

Oh.

Well, you look great.

Thank you.

No, no. No, there's...

something... something wrong.

What?

I don't know. I don't know.

Something's... something's missing.

Oh, I got it.

Ta-dah!

Charlie!

(gasps)

You shouldn't have.

Well, you've done a lot of things for me

you shouldn't have.

Oh, my... Now you look great.

God, it is beautiful.

Thank you.

So, what are you guys up to tonight?

Oh, not much. Just a quiet, romantic evening at home.

Loser.

Come on, that's not fair.

No, it's my word-- loser.

Oh. Oh. Oh, uh, well, then I should point out

that you could have used the C

at the top of the board and made "closer."

I'll stick with loser.

(phone ringing)

Yeah?

Great. We'll be right out.

Our chariot awaits.

Have fun.

Thanks. You, too.

Do me a favor.

When we get in the limo,

ask the driver to put up the partition.

You bet.

Isn't that sweet?

She's gonna do more things she shouldn't.

Gluten-free pretzel?

No, thanks.

Oh, I guess this isn't much of a Saturday night date.

Alan, it's fine.

I like staying in with you.

I could probably do without the * Bom-bom!

Well, I just... I wish I could take you out

and get you things like Charlie does.

I don't need those things.

I mean, they're nice.

They're more than nice.

They're what every girl dreams of.

But let's face it.

Some dreams just have to die.

Well, I'm-I'm sorry you had to settle.

I'm not settling.

I'm... I'm accepting.

So you're not rich and successful like Charlie.

So you can't take me out in limos

and shower me in diamonds.

So there's no expensive restaurants

or beautiful dresses.

But?

What?

Well, you know, I can't take you out,

and I can't give you stuff, but...

But... I love you?

Why?

Boy, you're just gonna keep pushing this, aren't you?

No, no. You love me. I'm good.

Let's play Scrabble.

Mm.

Ooh, axolotl!

(laughs)

Uh...

(quietly): * Bom-bom.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Oh-oh. * Men. * Men.

* Men.

Morning.

Morning.

Pottery Barn?

Yeah, I'm looking for ideas

for a birthday present for Lyndsey.

At the Pottery Barn?

Well, I don't have your money.

And there are ways to communicate your feelings

for a woman besides throwing diamonds at her.

True, but diamonds get you limo skull.

Pottery Barn won't get you dry humped

in the back of a city bus.

Charming.

So, uh, how was the charity soirée last night?

I don't know. We never made it out of the limo.

Charlie, do you have any idea how bad you're making me look?

Oh, buddy, that's not me.

That's genetics and barber school haircuts.

I'm serious. How do you think it makes me feel

when I'm with Lyndsey, and I have to watch you

shower Courtney with limos and diamonds?

Huh. I never thought about that.

I do have a solution, though.

What's that? Move out.

I-I'm just saying,

I'd appreciate it if you didn't do so much

of that stuff in front of us.

Again, I have a solution.

All right, all right, let's just stipulate for the record

that you want me to move out and I'm not going anywhere, okay?

What is it you'd have me do?

Not enjoy the money that I earn?

Not lavish it on the people that I love?

Sneak around in the middle of the night giving gifts

to my girlfriend, so you don't get your feelings hurt?

Is that something you'd consider?

No, but I'll tell you what I will do. Oh, what's that?

If I should come home some night

to find you standing on a chair with a rope around your neck

because you can't bear another moment

of your pathetic life,

I give you my word, I will kick the chair.

Ooh! Santa Claus bottle stopper.

Only 12 dollars.

I can get her two.

* Men.

Dad?

Yeah?

I need money.

Join the club.

Seriously. My clothes are getting too small.

Jake, I give your mother money every month

for the express purpose of buying you whatever you need.

Yeah, well, that's not how she sees it.

I don't know what to tell you, buddy.

Things are a little tight right now.

So are my shoes.

What do you want me to do, tap into your college fund?

I guess not.

Hang on a second.

Let's not throw that idea out so quickly.

What do you mean?

Well, realistically,

do you actually see yourself going to college?

Because if you don't,

we could use that money to buy you some new clothes,

plus maybe some other things.

You know, it's funny that you ask that.

I had no interest in college until a few days ago.

What changed?

I saw this video called Topless Coeds of the Big Ten,

and I decided I need to go to college.

You expect me to pay 30, 40,000 dollars a year

so you can meet drunk girls who lift their shirts?

Yes, please.

(grunts)

Is that a no on the clothes money?

I'll talk to your mother about it.

Oh, now I'm filled with hope.

CHARLIE: Hey, Alan, come here.

Are you gonna make me feel worse?

Is that even possible?

I wouldn't think so, but you usually find a way.

What do you want?

Well, I couldn't help but overhear you trying

to talk Huckleberry out of getting an education.

Yeah, not my proudest moment.

But I'm desperate to find a way

to buy Lyndsey a decent birthday present.

All right, here's what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna "lend" you enough so you can buy her something nice.

How much are we talking about?

Are you kidding?

You're negotiating with me?!

No, no, forget it.

I appreciate the offer, but I'm not gonna take your money.

I'm-I'm sorry. I think I might have just had a small stroke.

I thought I heard you say you're not gonna take my money.

Yeah, you heard me right.

I have to find a way

to buy Lyndsey a nice present on my own.

It's a matter of self-respect.

Little late for that, isn't it?

If it was for me, I'd take your money.

If it was for you, I wouldn't offer it.

But this is my girlfriend.

If I can't do this one thing for her,

then maybe I just don't deserve her.

Okay, what's your plan?

I'm not sure,

but when Alan Harper sets his mind to something,

just stand back and watch it happen.

Yeah, right.

Cue the theme from Rocky.

(Instrumental intro for Gonna Fly Now plays)

*

* Trying hard now

* It's so hard now

* Trying hard now...

*

* Getting strong now

* Won't be long now

* Getting strong now...

(Charlie playing Rocky theme song on piano)

(song ends)

(Alan grumbling)

Need some help?

A little late to ask, don't you think?

Nope.

(sighs)

Well, the good news is,

I am done.

I have accomplished my mission.

After three weeks of 16-hour days

at the office and the mall,

I have managed to earn enough money

to buy Lyndsey a beautiful birthday present.

Voilà!

A matching set of natural South Sea Island pearls.

No kidding?

Mm-hmm.

And you got these at the mall?

Uh, well, in the mall parking lot.

Oh, Alan, you bought pearls from a guy in a parking lot?

(groans) Not a guy.

A Tahitian wholesaler.

Do you have any idea what the mark-up is on these things?

By eliminating the middleman, I saved a fortune.

You sure about that?

Oh, don't worry, they're real.

I have a certificate of authenticity.

The word "authentic" doesn't have a "K" in it.

It's the man's second language, Charlie.

All right, but for future reference,

the way you can tell for sure if pearls are real

is you rub them on your teeth.

If they're rough, they're real,

if they're smooth, they're fake.

Well, fine, fine-- I will prove it to you.

See?

Mmm, rough.

And... oddly minty.

(crunching)

Oh, darn.

* Men...

* Men...

Morning.

Morning. Hey, nice pearls.

Found them in the garbage.

Strange some of the things people throw away.

I also found what looked like a half-written suicide note

in your brother's handwriting.

No kidding?

Should I be worried?

You mean that he won't go through with it?

He'll be fine-- he's just having some money problems.

Okay. But fair warning--

he offs himself, I ain't cleaning it up.

Who's offing themselves?

Nobody.

Nobody important.

Hey, I was wondering, are you going anywhere today?

Don't try to play me, knucklehead, just ask.

Can I borrow your car? No.

Come on. Dude, that's a very expensive car.

There's no way I'm putting you behind that wheel.

See you later, Charlie. I'm going shopping.

Have fun. JAKE: Courtney,

are you taking Uncle Charlie's car?

Yeah. Why? I was just thinking maybe I could drive you.

Save you the hassle of parking and everything.

Oh, aren't you the sweetest thing.

Thanks.

See you, handsome!

Yeah, see you, handsome.

Wonderful.

I just got outsmarted by Mr. Potato Head.

* Men...

(football game playing at low volume)

Hey. Hey.

I did a bad thing, Charlie.

Uh-huh.

A very bad thing.

Sorry to hear it.

I don't even want to tell you about it.

Good. I am so ashamed...

Okay, we both know you're gonna tell me, so just tell me.

Well, in order to explain it,

I have to go back a few years. Oh, please, God help me.

Back when Judith and I were still married

but having problems, I decided

to try to make her happy by buying her

a really nice pair or diamond earrings.

You could afford diamond earrings?

No alimony, no child support.

It was a bountiful time.

Uh-huh. Anyway,

I spent a fortune on them and I wrapped them up really nice

and took her to an expensive restaurant

and gave them to her over cocktails.

And?

She said, "Thanks," ordered the lobster,

then filed for divorce.

At which point, I moved in with you. (sighs)

You're right, Alan,

that was a very bad thing.

Oh, no, no, that was just the prologue. Oh, please, God, help me.

So, this afternoon, I was over at Judith's

to talk to her about using my child support payments

to buy Jake new clothes. Yeah?

She's against it.

We argued, she stormed out of the room

and left me standing there by myself

in the house I used to own.

Anyway, before I left, I figured I'd pee.

I didn't really need to, but, you know,

you got to figure with the traffic, it's a good defensiv...

Would you please get to it!

Al-Almost there, almost there.

So, as I was walking down the hallway,

I noticed that Judith's bedroom door was open,

and... I thought about those beautiful diamond earrings

just sitting there in her jewelry box

and how I can't even afford to buy my girlfriend

a birthday present.

Let me guess.

You peed in her jewelry box.

Judith never even wore them, Charlie.

You stole diamonds from your ex-wife?

Yeah.

Kudos!

I don't even know how it happened.

I mean, it was like I was in a dream,

and my hands belonged to someone else.

I have that same dream all the time.

Except in mine, the hands do belong to someone else.

I-I'm a good man, Charlie; I play by the rules.

This isn't me.

Sure it is. You made up your mind

that you were gonna figure out a way

to get Lyndsey a nice birthday present.

The only part that isn't you is that you succeeded.

I can't give these to Lyndsey-- they're tainted.

I have to sneak them back into Judith's jewelry box.

Aw, you can't do that. Why not?

Don't you watch TV?

Every time the crooks try to put the stolen loot back,

it always goes horribly, and hilariously, wrong.

I will just have to take that chance.

Tomorrow I am going back to Judith's,

and I'm gonna make this right.

Suit yourself.

(football game playing at low volume)

I don't suppose you want to come with me?

Maybe distract her while I put the earrings back?

Yeah, that sounds like a great plan.

What could go wrong?

Okay, I'll do it myself.

Don't call me for bail money.

Why not? You were gonna give me money to buy a present.

You're not even planning to get away with it?

Well, of course I am.

I was always planning to become an astronaut and a cowboy.

* Men...

Hey, baby. (chuckles): Hey!

How was shopping? Oh, we had a great time.

Yeah, it was a blast.

Look-- I got the same watch Johnny Depp has.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, hold on.

You-you bought him all this?

Well, he was so helpful.

Here you go, handsome.

Oh, by they way, you got a parking ticket.

Damn it, Courtney, I don't want you

buying stuff for that clown on my credit card.

Why not? You buy me stuff.

There's a difference.

What's that?

Well, you're having sex with me,

and he's... well, he's just screwing me.

(Jake chuckles evilly)

* Men...

You okay, honey?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I'm-I'm just a little tired.

Oh, of course you are.

You've been working so hard. Mm-hmm.

I got a little something for you.

Oh, Lyndsey, not tonight-- I'm dead from the waist down.

Silly! Not that.

This.

Oh. What is it?

Open it and see.

"A day of pampering at the Beverly Glen Spa"?

You can get a massage, scalp treatment, facial,

mani-pedi, anything you want.

What's the occasion?

You're my man-- you deserve it.

Oh, boy.

What's the matter?

Well, your birthday's on Saturday.

Alan... I told you, I don't expect

anything fancy or expensive.

I know you don't.

(laughs softly)

Which is why I got you these!

(gasps)

You shouldn't have!

Tell me about it. (nervous chuckle)

They must have cost a fortune!

(laughs) Oh, not really.

I stole 'em.

(both laughing)

* Men...

Oh. To my birthday girl.

Thank you, sweetie.

How do they look? Almost as beautiful as the woman who's wearing them.

Oh, Alan (laughs)

Hey, hey, hey.

Judith. Judith, Herb.

(laughs) Um, what a surprise.

What brings you here?

It's our, uh, weekly in-lieu-of-sex dinner.

Herb!

Oopsy.

Hi, Lyndsey. How have you been?

Good, thanks.

Uh, how about you?

Fine.

Alan, what is wrong with you?

Oh, nothing. I'm, uh, I'm just...

here with my girlfriend having a little, uh,

a little birthday celebration, you know.

What are you doing?!

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I just, I love it

when your hair is down-- it's so sexy. You know?

He's right, it is.

Would you like to join us for a drink?

Great idea!

Uh, so, Lyndsey, uh, happy birthday.

Thank you. Did you get anything special?

LYNDSEY: Well, as a matter of fact...

All right, I just have to say something here!

You-you whine and moan about

not having enough money to buy decent clothes

for our son, and yet... somehow there's enough

for you go out and have a... a big fancy dinner!

What?

Oh, oh, oh, oh,

are you suddenly hard of hearing?

Or are you just... allergic to the truth?!

Oh, hey, hold on...

No, no, no, no! This needs to be said!

You should be ashamed of yourself!

Shame! Shame, shame...

Shame.

Come on, Herb. He's crazy.

Happy birthday, Lyndsey.

I love the earrings. JUDITH: Herb!

Coming.

Can you believe I was married to that bitch?

* Men...

Hey. Hey.

Where have you been?

Oh, I was, uh, dropping Jake off at his mother's.

How are you handling your guilt?

Oh, you mean about the earrings?

Well, interesting thing.

It's much easier the second time.