Original subtitles

* Men.

Swordfish looks good.

You eat a lot of fish.

Aren't you worried about mercury?

Michelle, on the list of things I expect to kill me,

mercury poisoning ranks well below liver failure,

struck by lightning and heart attack during sex.

Guess which one I'm rooting for.

Charles?

Speaking of things I expect to kill me.

What a lovely surprise.

Michelle, this is my mother Evelyn. Mom, Michelle.

Evelyn, it's a pleasure. You have a wonderful son.

Yes, I do.

But Charlie and Alan must never learn of him.

Before she kills, she likes to torture.

So, how did you two meet?

Charlie asked me to look at a little thing on his butt.

Oh, smooth, Charlie.

She's a dermatologist, Mom.

Oh, a doctor?

So you have access to Charlie's medical records

and still went out with him.

Okay, nice to see you, Mom. I don't want to keep you

from whatever poor schmuck you're here to meet.

Sorry I'm late, Mom.

How about that? The poorest schmuck I know.

Michelle, this is my brother Alan.

Alan, Michelle. Hi.

Nice to meet you.

Would you like to join us?

Sure.

How sweet.

Uh... waiter?

I thought you liked me.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

* Men.

Well, this is very pleasant.

The last time I met one of Charlie's girlfriends,

I was picking glitter off my skin for a week.

Oh, right, the 22-year-old pole dancer.

(grunts)

Oh, don't get the wrong idea.

I mean, not every woman Charlie dates is a stripper.

I can't imagine

you stripping, for example.

I mean, I can imagine it.

(growls)

So what's the occasion for you two?

No occasion.

Can't a son invite his mom to lunch?

He needs money.

No, no. But if you're lookin' to give some away

I'm not gonna turn it down.

You're a dermatologist.

How do I get rid of a 170-pound skin tag?

Excuse me, 164.

Really? That's the part you object to?

Would you like to be called a 200-pound drunk?

180. See?

Yeah, well, better a lush than a leech.

At least a leech doesn't miss

his mother's birthday in a drunken blackout.

Yes, but when the lush wakes up,

he can buy her a nice gift with his own money.

He can, but he doesn't.

He doesn't because

you wouldn't appreciate it anyway.

Let's not start with appreciation.

Did I ever get a thank you

for bearing you and raising you all by myself?

Thank you, Mommy.

Give it a rest.

I'll write you a check.

Thank you, Mommy.

(sighs) Do you have children, Michelle?

I have a daughter.

Isn't that nice?

Has she ripped your heart out yet?

Not quite.

Well, give her time.

Children are God's little way of

punishing us for having sex.

So, Michelle, you've met my mom and my brother.

Will you be breaking up with me now

or would you prefer to wait till after lunch?

I'll wait.

I already ordered the souffle

and I understand it's very good here.

Oh, she's attractive, successful and funny.

So tell me, dear,

why are you settling?

* Men.

Mmm... wait, wait, wait.

Can I ask you a question?

Sure.

Have there been a lot of women in this bed?

Uh...

actually in the bed?

Fewer than you'd think.

Charlie...

Listen, I'm not gonna lie about who I am

or where I've been,

so don't ask unless you really want to know.

It doesn't matter.

The past is the past.

Agreed.

Let's work on the present.

Oh, goody, I love presents.

(laughs)

(knocking)

JAKE: Uncle Charlie?

Busy, Jake.

JAKE: Oh, is Chelsea back?

No, Jake.

Mia?

No.

The married stripper? What's her name, Betsy?

What do you need, Jake?

Can I borrow your car?

No, you can't borrow my hundred- thousand-dollar Mercedes!

Okay.

Sorry about that.

It's not another hooker, is it?

Excuse me.

Here's the keys. Go away. Thank you.

My nephew.

Everyone's convinced he's a freaking moron,

but I'm starting to think he's an evil genius.

* Men.

Hey, did you hear that noise last night?

What noise?

Around 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning,

I thought I heard a man crying.

Oh, that's nothing. That's just Alan.

It's nothing?

Yeah, he gets up in the middle of the night to pee,

then he can't get back to sleep, so he masturbates.

Then he starts crying.

Oh, my God, that's awful!

It's like the ocean. I don't even hear it anymore.

Hey, sorry I'm late.

I stopped off and did the shopping for the week.

Michelle, this is my housekeeper Berta.

Berta, Michelle. Hi.

Nice to meet you.

Planning a party?

Every afternoon at 2:00.

(chuckles) She's, she's kidding.

Right, Berta?

Huh? Yeah, sure, why not?

Can I go upstairs and make your bed

or are you guys just catchin' your breath and rinsin' off?

No, it's fine.

We're just gonna go for a walk on the beach.

(laughs) Good one.

Why is that funny?

Last time this one was on the beach

was 'cause he fell off the deck.

It wasn't his fault. He was drunk.

I'll go make your bed.

She seems... nice.

You think?

'Cause she scares the crap outta me.

Well, then why don't you get rid of her?

Oh, no, no, no, no, I could never fire her.

I love her to death.

Interesting.

So, you love her and yet she scares you?

Little window into ol' Charlie, huh?

More like a garage door.

* Men.

Well, you've met my family,

you know all about my past,

my fondness for... things I'm fond of.

Uh-huh?

So... why are you still here?

Come on, Charlie, I'm a realist.

Nobody our age comes without baggage.

Well, yeah, but some people might think

that my baggage is... extra icky.

Extra icky?

That's actually a quote from a former girlfriend.

Well, I think that a mature relationship has got

to be based on honesty about our flaws.

You know my flaws.

Openness about our past.

You know my past.

And a willingness to forgive.

I forgive you.

(chuckles)

I really like you, Michelle.

I really like you, too.

ROSE: Hi, Charlie.

There might be one more thing you should know about me.

* Men.

* Men.

Rose, this is not a good time.

I just want to talk to you.

I'm sorry, Michelle, this'll only take a minute.

Do I know you?

Nope.

Seriously, Rose, not now.

How do you know my na...?

How does she know my name?

Long story. Not really.

Once you have a license plate number,

the rest is cake.

Could you give us a minute?

No, she's not goin' anywhere.

Charlie, who is this woman?

Just a friend.

Oh, I'm more than a friend. We dated.

Just once. Eight years ago.

You haven't seen her in eight years?

Well, no, no, no. Not exactly.

We stay in touch.

You stalk me.

Oh, please.

Does a stalker baby-sit his nephew?

Does a stalker sleep with his brother?

Does a stalker's dad sleep with his mother,

who you met at lunch the other day at Terrace Gardens?

Have you been following me?

Not you.

Okay Charlie, I'm a little freaked out here.

I'm going to go home.

What? Why?

Nice officially meeting you.

Oh, come on, Michelle, don't go.

I'll get rid of her.

No, no, no. No.

Clearly, you have lots to talk about.

But what about all that stuff you said?

You know, baggage, willingness to forgive?

Obviously, I was wrong.

Michelle.

No, look. I could deal with your mother,

your brother, your nephew, your housekeeper...

Yeah, I know-- No, no, no. I'm not done.

Your drinking, your gambling,

your womanizing,

but I am not putting up with your stalker.

Really? That's where you draw the line?

Seems a little arbitrary.

Good-bye, Charlie.

(door closes)

I like her.

She's feisty.

That's it, Rose.

This is the last straw.

Really?

That's where you draw the line?

I really care about this woman.

I'm glad for you.

No, you're not!

You never are. You always do everything you can

to come between me and any woman I'm serious about.

Is that what you think I'm doing?

Of course that's what I think you're doing; you just did it!

You've been doing it for eight years,

and I'm sick of it.

Now, get out.

Okay, but you should know that I didn't come over

to ruin your date.

Really? Why did you come over?

To tell you that I'm getting married.

I'm not marrying you, Rose.

Not you, silly.

Manfred.

Manfred?

He's so wonderful.

I can't wait for you to meet him.

Uh-huh. Have you met him yet?

You don't believe me?

Well, of course I don't believe you.

All you've ever done is manipulate and deceive me.

Mm, fair point.

But I am getting married next Sunday,

and I just wanted to let you know

before you heard it somewhere else.

Where else would I hear it?

Society page of The Crazy Bitch Gazette?

Clearly, it was a mistake coming over.

I had no idea the news would hit you this hard.

Yeah, I'm-I'm-I'm bowled over,

I'm devastated, I can't imagine life without you.

Good-bye.

Last chance to kiss the bride.

(knocking)

What?

I'm not sure how to get home from this side of the house.

* Men.

Hey, Michelle. It's me again.

Sorry for all the messages.

Don't worry, I'm not stalking you.

(chuckles)

Anyway,

again, I am really sorry for all the craziness last night,

but, like you pointed out, everybody's got baggage.

Unfortunately, one piece of mine

needs to be sedated and institutionalized.

Okay, call me.

Kisses. (blows kisses)

Kisses?

If I was any fruitier, I could open a Jamba Juice.

Check it out.

Rose's engagement announcement is in the paper.

Manfred Quinn?

Says he's an important figure in the fashion industry.

Eh, I still don't buy it.

What do you mean? It's right here in the paper. Oh, grow up.

Do you have any idea how many times

I had that paper print my obituary?

Why would you do that?

Lots of reasons.

Gambling debts, angry husbands,

sometimes just to get a little me time.

Well, real or fake, I'm a little miffed I wasn't invited.

How do you get invited to a fake wedding, Alan?

With a fake invitation.

Obviously.

How come Rose only shows up when I'm in a good relationship?

Where was she when I was dating the manic-depressive Satanist?

Or that chick with all the knives?

Don't forget the pre-op lifeguard.

Post-op. She was post-op.

Really? Could've sworn I saw a bulge in that bikini bottom.

The point is, it's like...

it's like Rose has some kind of sixth sense

where she knows when I'm about to be happy.

It's not a sixth sense-- she follows you around and watches your every move.

For all we know, the house is bugged

and she's listening to us right now.

Hi, Rose.

Yeah, well, if she is...

she overplayed her hand this time!

And I'm not falling for this wedding crap!

But just in case, shouldn't we get her a gift?

What?

(whispering): They're having a sale at Williams-Sonoma.

You want to go halvsies on a silver pepper mill?

No, I'm not going halvsies on a silver pepper mill!

Okay, then... okay, how about a lovely ceramic

cow-shaped creamer, handmade by the Pennsylvania Dutch?

No gifts. Why not?

'Cause there's no wedding!

There's no wedding!

Well, you do what you want, Charlie Harper,

but I, Alan Harper, am gonna get Rose something really nice!

Ooh, a set of faux-walnut napkin rings, only $9.95.

Add to cart.

* Men.

(sighs)

Surprise!

Not really-- you called, like, 11 times.

These are for you.

Thank you.

It doesn't change anything.

Oh, come on, Michelle,

I can't help it if some meaningless one-night stand

from years ago is still obsessed with me.

It's not about her, Charlie, it's about you.

Okay, I can't help it if I'm so wonderful

she's still obsessed with me.

That's not what I meant.

Yeah, I didn't think so.

The fact that you still have a relationship with her

after all this time tells me that you have real feelings for her.

Okay, okay, maybe we have developed

some sort of friendship, but that doesn't change the fact

that on a very primal level

the woman scares the hell out of me.

Listen to yourself.

That's exactly what you said about your housekeeper.

You love her, but you're scared of her.

And having met your mother,

I'm betting you're scared of her, too.

Well, yeah, but I don't love her.

Charlie...

What are you trying to say, I'm in love with Rose?

You tell me.

Bye, Charlie.

Okay, I do love Berta.

I suppose I kind of love my mother.

Aw, crap.

* Men.

So, today's the big day, huh?

What big day?

Rose's wedding.

Oh, please! There's no wedding.

You sure about that?

Yeah, I'm sure.

But what if you're wrong?

What do you mean?

I mean, would it make a difference to you,

knowing that cute little face

will never pop up over that railing again?

That the one woman who's always loved you

and been there for you is forever out of reach?

Come on.

Where are we going? To the church.

I'm gonna prove to you that she's not getting married.

Okay.

Aren't we a little underdressed?

There's no wedding.

Last chance to go halvsies on the napkin rings.

There's no wedding.

Only cost you 50 bucks.

* Men.

You see? No wedding.

You got X-ray vision?

(scoffs) Come on, I'll show you.

Just a heads up-- if there's no wedding,

you're getting napkin rings for Christmas.

Go ahead, Alan, look.

Tell me if you see a wedding.

I see a wedding.

What?

MINISTER: ...two persons present now come to be joined.

Rose and Manfred, we are here to remember...

Oh, my God.

She's really doing it.

Rose is getting married.

It's not too late to stop it.

(sighs) Don't be ridiculous.

It's way too late.

Okay, $25 to split the gift-- and I'm losing money.

...why this man and this woman

should not be joined in holy matrimony,

let him speak now or forever hold his peace.

And we're clear.

Yep, that ought to do it.

Thanks, Freddy.

My pleasure.

I guess.

* Men.

Unbelievable.

Rose is actually married.

(chuckles) Mrs. Manfred Quinn.

(big sigh)

I see it now.

I love her.

I've always loved her.

I'm sorry.

It's true what they say, Alan.

You don't know what you got until it's gone.

Well... you still got me.

You're not who they had in mind when they said it.

I'll always love you, Rose.

(smacks lips)

Mrs. Manny Quinn.