Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.BZ

Y'all ready for Lil Rel, make some goddamn noise!

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.BZ

[crowd cheers]

Get ready for Chicago's own...

The West Side's own...

Nancy's son...

Make some noise...

for Lil...Rel...Howery!

[cheers and applause]

[laughter]

[Rel laughing]

What up, y'all, make some noise! Y'all, what up?!

[cheers and applause]

Yeeeeeeeah!

That's right, I got my fuckin' chest hair out,

you can't tell me shit.

[laughter]

[Rel laughing]

You know a nigga in his 40's get comfortable with the

chest hair out, I don't give a fuck.

I'm like, "This the last day of summer,

fuck it, I'mma let this chest hair out."

I went to church like this and everything.

I couldn't WAIT to put my offering in, I'm like--

"I don't want no envelope, I'm puttin' cash in,"

You know what I mean?

[Rel laughing]

Let me tell y'all somethin', I'm so fucking happy right now.

Give it up for yourselves for comin' out tonight, Chicago!

[cheers and applause]

I feel GOOD, this is my fourth special,

you know what I'm sayin'?

This is my fourth fuckin' special.

And I'm at the crib!

But you know what's funny? I been home, and I've been

trynna support a lotta black businesses and shit,

so, you know, I got a black car service...

that, uh, you know...

[laughs]

I gotta be honest, it was some crazy shit.

First of all, I don't know who my assistant called.

I don't know who the fuck she hired.

First of all, this nigga was old as fuck, right?

And he called me, I don't know if you ever

had a car service before,

They supposed to meet you at baggage claim

with a sign with your name on it.

This nigga called me. I'm like, "Hello?"

"Where you at?" I'm like, "What do you mean, where you at?"

I'm like, "Who is this?" "Who is THIS?"

It's like, "Nigga, I'm-- it's me. Who is you?!"

"Oh, oh, you my client. Hey, where you at?"

[laughter]

I said, "What you--"

I walk outside, this nigga drivin' a limo.

First of all, I ain't been in a limo since six funerals ago.

You know what I'm sayin'?

[laughter]

Like, it was a full-blown LIMO-ZINE, ya know what I mean?

Nigga out there with that headset on there.

You know the Bluetooth with the headset like this?

Nigga look like you work for customer service,

you know what I'm sayin'?

Nigga waving at me like he my uncle and shit.

[laughter]

[Rel laughing]

I get over there, that nigga already shaking and shit

cuz he's old as fuck.

So I got my luggage, and I'm like, "Hey, man,

you want me to put it in the trunk myself?"

he's all, "I got it, goddammit,"

and he slapped my hand.

[laughter]

He said "I picked up Dr. King!"

I'm like, "What the fuck that supposed to mean?"

He started picking that shit up,

He was shaking his ass off.

This old-ass nigga had to lay in the trunk with the luggage

to get in there. That nigga's--

[laughter]

He had to lay in there with it and shit.

[laughter]

He got stuck. He had to call me on the Bluetooth.

"Hello? Hey!

[laughter]

Where you at?"

"Whatchu mean, where I'm at, I'm in the car!"

"Hey, man, come out here and come get me

if you wanna get where you're goin'."

[laughter]

Nigga had on pastor boots and shit when I walked out there.

You know, the boots that zip up.

[Rel laughing]

We get in that fuckin' limo,

I guess this nigga thought... [laughs]

You know, old people don't know how to use Bluetooth.

We in the limo, I could hear the whole conversation

'cause he didn't realize the shit transferred to the speakers

from that big-ass Bluetooth.

[laughter]

He on there arguin' with his wife and shit.

She like, "I need some toilet paper!" "You'll get it,

goddammit, I'm almost there."

I tried to tell him, "Hey, brother, the Bluetooth,

I can hear your conversation."

He go to try to raise the partition up

like that's what it was.

[laughter]

You know, that shit was old as fuck, 'cause it's a limo.

It's an old-ass limo.

"Nigga, you got that from A.A. Rayner, motherfucker?!"

[laughter]

Got me in a funeral limo.

[laughter]

[Rel laughing]

Had this nigga take me to Walgreens and shit.

I'm like, "Where the fuck you taking me and shit?"

I knew he was on some bullshit.

'Cause this the thing about it.

This how you know you're in a sketchy neighborhood.

And let me say,

it's a little confusing now in Chicago,

especially out West 'cause... it's kind of gentrified,

but it's not gentrified.

[laughter]

Like, Chicago weird.

It's like they couldn't get rid of all the dope fiends.

Them niggas still walking around.

But seeing white people not scared of dope fiends is the

weirdest shit in the world to me.

You see somebody walk a poodle, and nigga doing this shit.

[laughter]

They be walking past like they don't even see 'em and shit,

"I don't give a fuck."

[laughter]

I saw a nigga get mad,

"What the fuck happened to the neighborhood?!"

[laughter]

Nigga dope fiend walking around with that goddamn store bag.

You know that bag?

You don't know what store it came from,

it's just a black bag full of shit.

[laughter]

They got chicken and Airborne in there.

[laughter]

[Rel laughing]

I went to this ghetto-ass Walgreens and shit.

I just needed some deodorant.

But you know how you in a fucked up Walgreens

when they lock everything up.

That's how you know that shit.

[laughter]

When you got to ring that fuckin' doorbell to get it, nigga.

[laughter]

[Rel laughing]

Got to ring that fuckin' doorbell.

Ding dong!

[laughter]

You know the nigga with the key be irritated.

"Oh, goddamn, what?

[laughter]

What the fuck you want?

Hurry up and tell me what you want, man.

[laughter]

Show me the money first."

You're like, "What?"

[laughter]

"Show me $6.97!

[laughter]

I ain't unlockin' SHIT 'til you show me $6.97.

You know what I'm sayin', T?"

[laughter]

He unlocked that shit with an attitude

'cause you know that shit be poppin' back.

"Hurry up or it'll snap back!

Hurry up!

[laughter]

Hurry up and snap it back, motherfucker!"

[laughter]

Nigga be nosy as hell,

"Whatchu musty or somethin'?"

"None of your fuckin' business!

[laughter]

Give me the Cool Rush and shut the fuck up."

[laughter]

[Rel laughing]

I would'a went to the Dollar Tree,

but that shit look scary as hell.

[laughter]

[Rel laughing]

Them Dollar Trees be lookin' scary,

You don't know if it's open or not, you ever

go to the Dollar Tree like, are they open?

[laughter]

Too many niggas outside with a tank top.

[laughter]

Niggas be trynna hold the door for you,

"Oh, I got you. Go ahead, man.

[laughter]

Oh, no, fam.

You good, fam?

Go ahead, go ahead."

[laughter]

They ain't never got shit in order at Dollar Tree.

[laughter]

[Rel laughing]

"Where the waters at?" "Uh, next to the diapers."

Why?

Why?

Why?!

[laughter]

Like, it's a bunch of niggas that can't read that work there.

They don't know where to put that shit at.

[laughter]

Glad y'all laughin' at this shit.

Glad I'm home. I got a real haircut, shit.

Man, I've been fucked up for like two weeks.

I just shot two movies.

And I trusted white people cuttin' my hair.

I was like, "Fuck it."

I got me a nigga to cut my hair today.

I'm so happy.

Y'all just don't even fuckin' know.

'Cause my barber, this nigga went on

vacation before I came out here, which is so fuckin'--

I said, like--

I'm paying him too well.

You on vacation?

God damn, nigga.

How good you doing?

You making more than you're - --, huh?

[laughter]

That nigga had me fucked up

'cause he wasn't answering the phone.

I was calling the shit out of him.

I showed up at the shop like I was his

baby mama with my arms folded.

"Reggie in here?"

My arms was folded. "Where Reggie at?"

You know, that's the baby mama arms.

"Where he at?"

[laughter]

[Rel laughing]

Fuck out of here.

He wasn't there.

Then all the other barbers I like was all...

They all had clients.

They always get that one free nigga.

He be happy as hell.

"I'll take ya!"

You know, do all this...

He be cleaning the shit out that chain.

Nobody sat there in weeks.

"I'll take ya."

He got to plug all his shit in because he ain't had nobody.

He got to put his jacket on and shit.

Yeah, sit with this nigga.

He ain't cut--

He nervous as fuck because he ain't cut nobody in weeks.

He be trying to small talk his ass off.

"Oh, so, okay, love, what you got going on today?"

What the fuck?

Just cut my fuckin' hair.

Don't talk to me.

Sitting there,

This nigga fucked me up, too.

Because let me tell you this.

I'm about to be 45, so I'm on the last leg of my hair.

You can't--

I can't do no more fuck-ups.

You nicking me this time, the

rest of that shit going back there.

You know what I mean?

Anybody who bald in here know what the fuck I'm talking about.

You remember your last haircut?

Nigga sent you back.

The rest of your hair be like,

"All right, guess we going back here.

Come on, y'all.

Come on, y'all.

He fucked us up."

[laughter]

Motherfucker, nicked the shit out of my ass.

I knew it because I heard it.

You know, 'cause let's think about it.

Like, black--

I love being black because we

can hear when somebody fuck us up.

I feel bad for white people because they only get the scissors.

They shit be quiet as hell.

They just get them scissors.

That shit be silent.

They don't know what the fuck goin' on.

They don't know what they got 'til they twisted them around.

"All right, Voila!"

They don't know what the fuck going on.

Oh, shit.

You can hear them clippers fuck you up because that shit

[imitating clippers]

That's a good sound.

[imitating clippers]

I heard...

[guttural noise]

What the fuck was that?

That nigga cut the lights out in the shop

so I couldn't look in the mirror.

"Motherfucker, what you do to me?!

Cut the lights back on, nigga!"

This is how I knew he fucked me up.

When he started stepping away from me and shit,

that nigga was examining me from all types of the--

He kept changing guards and shit.

[tapping on microphone]

"Anybody got number seven?"

[laughter]

This is why I knew he fucked me-

The brother went, "Aw, naw.

You good? Go home, man.

It's all good. Happy birthday."

Shit, man.

It ain't my fucking birthday.

[laughter]

Bullshit-ass fuckin' barbers.

Sick of these niggas.

I hate tall-ass barbers, too.

They get on my fuckin' nerves.

Nigga should be playing in the summer league.

He cutting hair.

You know, 'cause they got that tall-ass torso.

So you be sitting there, it'll be all dick-first team.

You be scared to turn your head and shit.

Everywhere he go, you try to move and shit.

Nigga, grab your head like you're a little kid and shit.

"Sit still."

I hate them aggressive-ass barbers.

"Nigga, sit still."

Nigga, grab you like you seven and

your mama coming to pick you up.

[laughter]

[Rel laughing]

Fellas, it's fucked up, because

you know, we can't just throw a wig on.

[laughter]

We can't.

They never made a successful man wig, ever.

I'm sick of this shit.

We should get some wigs.

I should be able to get me a fuckin'

high-top fade for no reason if I feel like it.

I'd love to go to the beauty supply,

"Oh, shit, you want the 'Bobby Brown.' Hold on.

Hell yeah, niggas been wearing the fuck out of these slopes.

I guess it's a 90's party tomorrow, so

today everybody's got to have fades."

Give me that 'Denzel training day.' Hell yeah.

You go 360s.

[laughter]

[Rel laughing]

Wig game.

I'm glad school just started back. Thank God.

These kids back at the fuckin' school,

I forgot how hungry they be.

Don't you forget that in the summer?

Like, "Oh, shit, I'm supposed to feed you."

I used to just give you something at 5. You here all day now, huh?

Them kids be hungry as hell walking up to you at 2:30.

"Excuse me.

You ain't got no snacks or nothing?"

"No, nigga, it ain't five o'clock!

Shit."

My damn kids are getting big.

Motherfucker, I got teenagers now and shit.

Teenage daughter-- first of all,

having a teenage girl is so fuckin' weird.

They are always so fuckin' irritated.

Goddamn.

You can't even speak to them without them getting an attitude.

I'm like, "Good morning."

[Aggressively sighs]

"You know somethin', never mind! Goddamn!

Just speaking to your mean ass, shit."

And I get my kids for the summer 'cause, you know,

I'm divorced, so I'm a summertime dad.

You know, these niggas coming for the summer, they--

you know, 'cause dads ain't shit.

All the other dads--

You take 'em to the grocery store, like

"Get whatever you want.

That's what you gon' eat.

I don't give a fuck. I ain't making shit."

You want to eat Oodles and Noodles all summer?

It's on you, playboy.

Y'all pick out whatever y'all want. I'll be

at the register. Shit, I don't give a fuck."

My seven-year-old walkin' with all these goddamn...

[Rel laughing]

Walkin' with a whole thing of Ritz crackers.

"Alright, is that what you want for the summer?"

Walkin' around, he done took them out the box.

Alright, I gotta really pay for this shit now.

[laughter]

My daughter. Shit!

Teenage girl.

All she wanna do is make TikToks all fuckin' day.

She be propping that phone anywhere, just fuckin' TikTok-in', and...

[laughter]

doing all that weird shit they be doing.

She be propping that shit anywhere, you know what I mean?

So you don't know where the fuck they be in your house.

I went to her TikTok to make sure she wasn't on no bullshit.

And I'm looking, I'm in the background in

so many of her fuckin' TikToks,

minding my business.

'Cause you don't know where they be

propping that shit in the house.

You know, they be in that door, that shit everywhere.

I'm in the background in my drawers, going through cabinets and shit,

[laughter]

minding my fuckin' business!

[laughter]

[Rel laughing]

Then my daughter, I think she phony as hell too, 'cause...

'Cause you know, you know, 'cause this-- on some real shit,

I love Britney, but she ghetto as fuck.

And this is what I dont understand.

I don't know any other parents going through this,

you do all this shit to do well in life

So your kids don't have to live or grow up how you fuckin' did.

And these niggas still want to be ghetto for no fuckin' reason.

For no fuckin' reason.

We live in a suburb, you go to a private school

you want to be this shit. Why? Why?

And I know she ghetto.

But she got a fake voice for me.

I don't know if your kids do that shit

where they got they voice for you.

"Hey Dad, love you Dad, Dad, Dad."

Get the fuck outta here, you don't talk like that.

You got fucking baby hairs and braids, you motherfucker.

"Hey Dad," come on now.

I know she don't talk like that.

So one day I tried to fool her, right?

I was like, you know-- I told her I was going

to the store so I could hear her real voice.

I'm like, "Hey, I'm 'bout to run to the

store, you need anything?"

"No, I'm good Dad."

"Alright, bye."

And I left and I heard her,

"That goofy ass nigga

lame as hell. My daddy lame as hell.

Period. Lame, period."

Like...

"I knew it, motherfucker!"

[laughter]

[Rel laughing]

Yeah, but you know, I got a...

My son, he's 14, he just got the bass in his voice.

Ooh shit, that nigga just got that shit.

It sound disrespectful when they first get that shit too.

You know what I mean?

And then like with him, I don't know if this--

look, I know this sounds fucked up, but

any kid, especially boys

when they first get that first voice,

it sound like they don't know how to

talk for real. This nigga sound like a slave.

'Cause he ain't used to it yet, you know what I mean?

I walked into his room like, "Good morning"

[deep voice] "Good morning, Daddy.

[deep voice] Good morning."

I said, "who the fuck is you?"

[deep voice] "Who-- it's me, Daddy.

[deep voice] Judah, Daddy.

[deep voice] It's me...

[deep voice] It's me, Pa."

Pa?!

"The fuck was you watching last night, 'Roots?'"

[deep voice] "I ain't watch no here 'Roots,' Daddy.

[deep voice] It's me, Daddy."

Fuckin' teenage boys, man.

And then you know,

when you have a teenage boy,

especially when you're a man,

you know...

you...

[sighs]

you be wondering if, you know--

okay, this is what happened, okay?

'Cause you like-- I know I was different than this nigga

when I was 14.

So, I went to get his laundry,

right? And I saw those fucking drawers.

I was like, "Look, I know I wiped my

ass better than this when I was 14."

And you know, when you a dad, you a little sensitive to it.

You pull him to the side, "Hey,

come here. Hey, hey, hey, come here.

Hey, man, what the fuck? You better burn these or throw these

away, man, 'fore your mama see 'em.

You know, I'm just trynna

keep it real with you.

I don't want you to get in trouble."

'Cause you know, mamas are mean,

then-- mamas don't give a fuck.

Mamas don't give a-- you could have a house

full of company, a bunch of people in there.

She see them drawers, like, "Uh-uh.

UH-uh.

UH--

UH."

She go in the living room,

"UH-UH, what the fuck is THIS?!

You don't know how to wipe your ass?

Huh?!

You didn't smell this?

HUH?!

Do I gotta put you back on a fuckin' potty?

HUH?!

You are four-TEEN.

You want me to wash these?

You need some pantyliners, motherfucker?!"

[laughter]

"This is disgusting."

She start talking to other mamas,

"Does yo' boy do this?! Do yo' boy do this?!"

[laughter]

Mamas be mean than a motherfucker.

"Who in here's musk stink?"

You be in your car on the way to school

"One of y'all musk stink!"

You done got out the car and everything.

She go and roll the window down,

"Yo musty ass!

Come here!

COME HERE!

And put on this Suave.

Put this Suave on.

'Cause you musss

sssty."

[laughter]

[Rel laughing]

And them the new mamas, you know what I'm sayin'?

Shit, you know,

I grew up in the 80s, so I had an 80s mama.

You know, you grew up with a mama in the

80s, that's when all the women was smokin'.

You know, so they had them goddamn voices.

[raspy] "Yeah, yeah, okay,"

You know that shit.

They was mad as hell,

[raspy] "Ohhh, okay!"

You come in, "Hi, Mama."

[raspy] "No no, don't 'Hi Mama' ME!

[raspy] Take off your bookbags,

[raspy] take off your school clothes,

[raspy] do your homework, and go to bed!"

"Damn, Mama, it's only 3:15."

[raspy] "I don't give a fuck. Go to bed!

[raspy] NOW!

[raspy] NOW!"

You be trynna watch cartoons.

[raspy] "What the fuck are y'all watching? Go to bed!"

"He's a Thundercat."

[raspy] "Them ain't no goddamn

Thundercats, they're all Thunderstrippers!

Motherfuckers walkin' around with drawers and swords. Go to bed!"

My mama called the Thundercats "Thunderstrippers."

[raspy] "Swole-ass cats...

in Daisy Dukes!

Walkin' around with Daisy Dukes and swords!"

[laughter]

[Rel laughing]

This is some real shit.

I remember we was watching 'Alvin and the Chipmunks' one time.

[raspy] "What the fuck are y'all watching?"

"These are 'Alvin and the Chipmunks.'"

[raspy] "Them ain't no goddamn chipmunks.

[raspy] Them are squirrels.

[raspy] They done put some sweater dresses and glasses on squirrels.

[raspy] What the fuck is goin' on on this program?

[raspy] Who that white man, that's they daddy?!

He need to be in jail!

Out here raisin' squirrels...

with them sweater dresses and goddamn glasses.

Talkin' 'bout, 'Duh! Duh!'

[singing] 'Duh-duh-duh-duh!'"

[laughter]

[raspy] "That white man need to be locked up!"

[laughter]

[Rel laughing]

I'm laughin', my mama was mean than a motherfucker.

I remember when we went to get my first pair of glasses.

And I don't know if you grew up with a poor family,

you used to get the speeches.

[raspy] "Okay, wait--

woah-wo-wo-wo-wo-wo-WOAH."

[laughter]

This was before Lens Crafters.

This is when you would have to go to Woolworth

to get your glasses.

"Before we walk in this Woolworth,"

[laughter]

"Don't you look at none of those pictures...

with the glasses.

That is not your rack.

As soon as you walk in, that's your rack, right there.

Right here, this is your goddamn rack."

You walk in that fuckin' Woolworth,

you're like, "Mama, these are reading glasses.

For adults."

[raspy] "I don't give a fuck,

get the plus fours and shut up."

Anybody with glasses, you know that ain't

a real prescription.

Plus fours?

Prescriptions usually start at 0.67 or somethin'.

A plus four?

I was in school, fucked up with them fuckin'

strong-ass adult glasses.

The chalkboard was right here like, "Goddamn."

I had to look across the street at another school

and do they work.

Fuck it, I'm gonna do what they doing.

[laughter]

I don't know what the fuck going on here,

but whatever they doing down the street,

That's what I'm gonna get, shit, man.

[laughter]

I had to leave the school to turn my shit in.

[laughter]

[Rel laughing]

My grades was all fucked up.

And my mama was an asshole, she used to put the bills

with the grades.

So you come home with somethin' fucked up, she like,

"Oh, so you getting D's and shit?

Whelp, they about to cut the lights off."

[laughter]

I'm like, "I'm eight years old."

I'm like, "What, what, what, what, what?"

"Yup, they about to cut the lights off,

'cause of YOU.

You gon' make a payment arrangement."

[laughter]

Now I'm eight years old on a phone crying, nervous,

"Hello."

I'm calling Commonwealth Edison, "Hello, ComEd.

I would like to make a payment arrangement."

[raspy] "Tell 'em why."

[laughter]

[Rel whimpering]

[Rel whimpering]

"Stop cryin' and tell 'em."

"B-B-B-B-Because...

I got a D in Social Studies."

[raspy] "Tell her the truth!"

"And I peed in the bed."

"Pissy-ass."

[laughter]

[Rel laughing]

Mean-ass mamas.

And you remember, that's what they used to have the--

you remember they used to have the house phone in the kitchen?

That's where they used to talk shit about you at,

ya know what I mean?

They be in there talking, "No, no,

this motherfucker goin' pee in the bed.

Talkin' 'bout, he had a dream that he was going to the bathroom.

Gon' stand over his brothers and pee on them.

Had to give all of 'em a bath last night.

You know what I'm sayin'?

Alright, Jenny, I'll see you at choir rehearsal."

[laughter]

[Rel laughing]

Mean-ass fuckin' mamas.

Then you got the cool-ass daddy, he don't do shit.

Like, "Dad, you don't see what's goin' on?"

"Hey, brother, you know what it is.

Be cool, man.

I'm just trying to watch Buck Rogers and go to work,

ya know what I mean?"

[laughter]

[Rel laughing]

Y'all laughin', shit!

But you know, man, I give my parents grace,

'cause when you become a parent,

you really start to understand, like,

fuck, kids gon' kid, shit.

God damn, these kids don't give a fuck.

You know what I'm sayin'?

They really don't, they little assholes.

And this is when I knew, I knew it when my youngest

was little, because he was a crying-ass baby.

You know, [crying] "Eh, eh,"

I don't know, anybody ever had a crying baby that

that make you cry back to him,

you ever had that shit?

They go, "Eh, eh,"

You go, "Eh, eh, eh, eh, shut up!"

They be in they little walk of confusion

trying to get out the room.

[laughter]

[Rel laughing]

My spoiled-ass kids.

You know who I love?

I love, like, my little cousins, the ones that,

you know, they got the hood mamas.

Those some grate-- Them kids be grateful.

The kids who got fucked up parents?

They be so grateful.

The ones that gotta be too independent,

they be grateful as fuck.

They be little humble kids, "How you doing, man?

You know somethin'?

They unappreciative, take me, I don't even want

no nuggets or nothin'.

You just give me two or three pizza rolls a day,

I'll be alright, you know what I mean?"

[laughter]

That little boy just be carrying his car seat,

you know what I'm saying?

"I'm good, I promise you that.

You ain't gotta worry about me or nothing,

you know what I'm sayin'?

You drop me off at school, I ain't gon' be no trouble.

Mm-hmm."

Little boy be independent as fuck.

'Cause that's what it is, kids just don't be givin' a fuck.

Like, this Father's Day, oh my God, these kids

fuckin' fooled me.

They made it seem like they was gonna take me out to dinner

for real, I put on my fuckin' best suit.

They was like, "We gonna take you to dinner, daddy."

I'm like, "What? Hell yeah, about time."

Put all this nice shit on, these motherfuckers got me

at the buffet.

I'm in there with all these other dads,

all holding trays and shit.

Saying, "Happy Father's Day" to each other,

"Happy Father's Day to you, brother, how you doing?

You good?

Hey, Happy Father's Day to you, that baked chicken good?

How it taste?

They gonna do a lamp, if it's gonna be that hot in this place,

ya know what I mean?"

Motherfuckers.

They treat us like shit on Father's Day, fellas.

Mother's Day, they get church services and shit.

You get a Happy Mother's Day even if you not a mama.

When you're a dad, you gotta show a picture of your family,

"I'm telling you, it's him.

I swear 'fore God, it's my family."

They wanna give you a fuckin' program.

We don't get no sales, they don't sell shit.

You know, women, y'all get Neiman Marcus stuff

and Macy's sales...

We get a Target section.

One section of Target that sells a T-shirt that say,

"I love Dad," that's it.

All XXLs.

[Rel laughing]

They think every dad a XXL, like fuck it.

They be havin' shit they want us to do next our stuff,

they got like grills and charcoal.

[laughter]

WD-40 and shit.

I'm talking shit, but...

But life is good for me and shit.

You know, I'm engaged and shit, you know what I'm sayin'?

[audience cheering]

I'm in a grown-ass relationship!

I LOVE that shit.

We both in our fuckin' 40s, we adults.

I feel bad, one of my homies 45 with a 24-year-old,

that nigga be looking tired.

We went on vacation with these motherfuckers and...

She had all these activities she wanted to do,

"We gonna go jet-skiing, we gonna do this,

we gonna do that, and da da da da."

Alright, damn, nigga.

Me and my girl, as soon as we got in the room,

we went to bed, like, "alright, good night."

It was still 2:00 in the afternoon,

"We came here to get some sleep.

Good night."

[laughter]

We still had our clothes on and everything,

we didn't give a fuck.

We ain't took shit out our bags or nothin'.

We be up early as hell for breakfast and shit.

We both got our "tucked-in" outfits on together,

"Alright, baby, we gonna get that--

you know, they got an omelet station, I think."

We got our "tucked-in" matching "tucked-in" vacation outfits.

That's that grown couple shit,

y'all both got them "tucked-in" outfits.

[laughter]

[Rel laughing]

Y'all bought all your outfits from Target.

Fuck it, "tucked-in."

We grown as fuck.

We got our own nightstands.

Same shit on it: our glasses, our iPad,

[laughter]

and our water, same shit.

[laughter]

That's that grown shit!

Soon as we finish fuckin', we like,

"Alright, good night.

You got your side, I got my side, good night."

We do the same shit, we put our glasses on, get our iPad.

We sittin' right next to each other,

sendin' each other shit.

"Hey, look what I just sent you.

Oh, look what I just sent you!"

[laughter]

You won't even show 'em the shit,

"Nah nah nah, I just sent it to yours, nah nah nah,

don't look at mine, DON'T look at mine.

Look at yours."

[laughter]

[Rel laughing]

God, y'all laughin', shit!

That shit beautiful though.

You know, we...

'bout to get fucking married and shit.

And she got, she got--

[audience cheering]

Well, stop clapping,

it ain't gon' be no real wedding, fuck that shit.

I'm trynna get eloped,

I don't wanna do no more weddings, fuck all that.

My last wedding, man, that shit took too long.

'Cause you know, when you're the groom,

you gotta stand up there the whole fuckin' program.

We gotta stand up there the whole, fuck--

The WHOLE TIME!

You're the bride, y'all just show up at the end,

"Alright, let's do it!"

You know, fuck all that.

I gotta sit there and watch all this bullshit

somebody planned in my family.

"Who the fuck hired a praise dancer,

what the fuck?

Why the fuck is this nigga miming in my fuckin' wedding?"

[singing] "I love--"

This nigga had no paint on his face.

[singing] "I love you, Jesus.

I worship him."

I'm looking at the program,

"Who the fuck let Reggie mime-dance?

He ain't got no fuckin' paint on his face.

Can't mime with a regular face, nigga."

[singing] "I love you, Jesus."

Nigga wasn't even good.

[Rel laughing]

But that's what I love about Future Wifey, though.

I love that, you know...

I really needed to find a woman

I could pray with and like love on, and...

[audience cheering]

build together.

That shit crazy though, you know,

and I think that's the thing about it too, y'all.

Like I've been on a real journey,

like I took this journey to get my shit together,

ya know what I mean?

Like I fuckin' started working out, ya know what I mean?

Like really, this has been a five year journey.

Which, let me say this, everybody,

look, I really worked on me for real.

This has been a five year journey.

I've actually did the work.

[audience cheering]

But niggas is such haters.

I remember I posted something like a few weeks ago,

I was like, "I'm proud of myself, look at me.

I'm motivated, I hope this inspires somebody."

The first thing niggas say, "Ozempic!"

I'm like, motherfucker.

[laughter]

First of all, guys, look.

If I took Ozempic, you would know it.

I'm too funny not to talk about taking that shit.

I would have every type of joke you could fuckin' think of

if that was my thing.

Also, Ozempic people look different.

Okay?

Come on, alright, look,

We all love Busta Rhymes, right?

That shit don't last if you get the Shubidi Doubles.

'Cause all it is is just Sherman Klump juice,

ya know what I mean?

We're literally watching Busta Rhymes transf--

[Rel laughing]

He was Buddy Love one week, then

went back to "labadabadaba.

Oh, sorry about that, I'm so sorry."

[laughter]

Sorry, this nigga hair came back and everything.

But then y'all pick on everybody else

about Ozempic, but y'all ain't say shit to Al Sharpton.

Ain't nobody say shit to him.

Y'all let that nigga walk around,

with his little ass body like it didn't happen.

Al Sharpton be irritating the fuck out of me.

He be trying to do a little workout shit,

it don't even be real workout shit.

Nigga bought them little weights you get at fuckin' Walmart,

you know the twos.

This nigga working out with Peloton weights.

[Rel laughing]

Fuck that, I took a real journey, shit,

ya know what I mean?

Built a better relationship with God,

that was so important with me, like for real, for real.

And God don't play, man, you know,

when you really start having a real conversation

with God about yourself,

that shit get crazy.

I'm talking about real ones, not the fake ones,

I'm talking about the real ones.

'Cause God will show you stuff about yourself,

you're like, "Damn, why you gotta bring that up?"

[laughter]

But that was very important for me to do that,

go to therapy and shit, ya know what I'm sayin'?

Had to really deal with what that pain was,

for real, losing my mama.

Which was a lot, you know what I'm saying?

I didn't realize it was a lot until I went to therapy.

Honestly, growing up in Chicago,

I didn't know how fucked up and traumatized I was

until I went to therapy.

It's so much shit we normalize

livin' in this motherfuckin' city.

For real, for real.

I remember when I was telling my therapist

half the shit I went through in my childhood,

and I ain't realize it was fucked up.

Like, 'cause I don't know-- look, I'm from out of West.

But I used to-- I lost friends almost from the age of 12

all the way until now.

And it was normal to me.

It was normal to look at my yearbook

and see "Rest in Peace" at the end of it,

and shit like that.

And that's fuckin' crazy.

It's normal to us.

We, nigga...

My therapist was listening to that shit like...

[laughter]

"You know those were children, right?"

She had to go to therapy after talking to me.

Like, God damn!

"What the fuck?

They ain't never did no movie about none of that shit?

So it was a nigga that used to dance real good,

and then he got killed."

[laughter]

"Best footwork I knew."

[laughter]

People forget about that shit.

That was a different time,

You grew up with niggas was real--

niggas could really dance, real...

This jukin'-ass nigga was in a gang!

No, you need a dance scholarship!

What the fuck you in a gang for?

You're supposed to be fuckin' Alvin Ailey.

This nigga's a GD.

[laughter]

This nigga should be on Fame.

[singing] I want to live forever.

I'm like, "Nigga, you in the wrong movie, you..."

[Rel laughing]

But that shit was very important, ya know what I mean?

You know, really going in there and dealing with that shit.

'Cause I got into a lot of stupid shit because of that.

Especially when you in pain, man, you

don't know what to do with that fuckin' pain.

When I was in my pain, man, I kept trying to get into fights.

I got into a fight at the club for no reason one day.

I remember these niggas didn't even want to fight me.

They was being nice.

"Lil Rel, you funny as hell."

"Say that shit again, fam.

[angrily] Say it again."

"Oh, damn, Lil Rel trippin', man--

I guess we gotta steal on him now.

Shit, you want to fight?"

Niggas jumped me and I was like,

"Ah, yeah, yeah!"

And he was like, "Hey, man, leave this nigga alone, shit."

"He got some issues inside."

I was doin' stuntman shit when I was getting in my bullshit.

Nigga tried to hit me with a car and I dove out the way.

Caught my ankle. That shit was crazy.

I remember my ex-wife,

she used to get calls about me.

I know she used to be like, "What the fuck?"

She's like, "What the fuck did he do now?

Whatchu mean he dove out the way

and somebody hit him with they fuckin'...

Nissan Civic."

Hit me with them plastic rims.

That shit came up and popped off and shit.

Motherfucker hit me with that shit.

But then you know, look, at the end of the day,

like, I'll say this.

Doing that shit was big for me.

Ya know what I mean?

I think it helped even just dealing with my dad

'cause, you know--

our dad has gotten older and he's dealing with like...

I don't know which one it is, to be honest with you.

It's like Alzheimer's or dementia.

It's kind of mixed sometimes, 'cause...

And it's weird 'cause me and my brother,

we-- we-- we...

like, we sibling well.

I don't know if you got a good sibling.

Me and this nigga do a good job,

but I feel bad for y'all who got siblings

who don't know they fuckin' rose,

You know what I'm sayin'?

Like, I pay for shit. He do the shit.

That is our share.

And it works.

I pay for it. He do the leg work.

That's beautiful, 'cause some of y'all niggas,

y'all gotta do everything.

I feel bad for you.

Your siblings ain't shit.

Y'all be having meetings about--

"Hey, look, Daddy can't stay here."

[laughter]

"I'm sorry, Daddy gonna have--"

And Daddy be sitting right there

while y'all talking about him and shit.

[laughter]

"I took care of YOU."

"Hey, Daddy, you see what I'm talkin' about?

I'm still on his ass."

We went to see my dad last week.

And my dad, he's in a--

we got him in this beautiful place he stays in.

And, you know...

But this thing about him,

my dad is not OLD old.

He's still like--

He athletic, and that's the problem.

He one of them niggas that still got his strength.

Some of the old people in there, they good and weak,

so they can talk all the shit they want to,

but they ain't gonna do shit to you.

My father be saying--

And then this the thing about him,

I don't know if anybody going through that

with anybody who's going through that.

Like, it's weird because you don't know

when they tellin' you a real story.

Or... Ya know what I mean?

It's like, "What the fuck you mean you stabbed somebody

at work last night?"

[laughter]

And it be sure, you be sitting there like,

"I know-- nahhh."

And my dad be telling a good-ass story,

"Hell, yeah, I was on my way to work,

and I had to stab this nigga.

Over there on Roosevelt, I stabbed the shit out of him

on my way to work.

I was riding my bike, the nigga threw a rock at it,

I tripped.

Took the knife out my nursery shoe

and stabbed him."

Like, "Hey, man, stop telling everybody this story, nigga.

I don't know if it's true."

Or you got to be careful about what they watch

before they go to sleep.

Anybody that's dealing with that shit--

'cause whatever they watch,

they gonna put themselves in that shit.

Okay? It's--

[Rel laughing]

Me and my brother was listening to my dad one day,

he was like, "Look, man, let me tell y'all somethin', man.

I had to kill all the motherfuckers

out that Nakatomi building.

They started shooting at the glass,

I had to walk over that shit and my foot started bleedin'."

I said, "Nigga, did you watch Die Hard last night?

What the fuck you talking about?"

"Did you know Harpo tried to beat me last night?"

I'm like, "What?

Did you watch The Color Purple, nigga?

What the fuck?"

[laughter]

But you still got to take care of your people, man, you know?

Spend time with them, make sure they in the right facilities.

'Cause if you don't take care of your people,

the state gon' send people to take care of them,

and you don't want that shit.

'Cause some of these workers ain't shit.

That's right.

These CNAs are ghetto as fuck.

That's who they gon' send to take care of your fuckin' people.

This motherfucker, this motherfucker right here...

This mean ghetto motherfucker is takin' care of your grandfather.

He be fucked up.

He can't even tell her when he shit on himself or anything.

He's scared.

He be sitting there like, "Scuse me, Miss Kwee Kwee.

Scuse me.

Miss Kwee Kwee, I had an accident.

Scuse me--"

"Damn, what a--ugh, ugh!

Yo' dusty, dirty ass."

"Okay, yes. I am.

It's all good. I told you not to

give me no goddamn peanut butter.

You know I'm gonna eat whatever the fuck you give me.

You gotta wash me off."

"I ain't washing your goofy ass off, HELL no.

You gon' go in the motherfucking tub."

"Whoa, whoa, wait a minute.

You left me there too long last time."

[laughter]

She left that nigga in the tub, he got his hat on and shit.

You know, he got his about- to-go-outside-hat.

"Hellooo?

I'm finished, hellooo?"

She ain't helping him 'cause she on her Instagram live,

like, "Yep a bitch at work, getting motherfuckin' money.

Several clients."

"Hellooo!"

We all leavin' comments

'cause we can see the old man in the background,

like, "Hey, it's an old nigga in the

back of your video...

yelling for help."

"Hellooo?

HELLOOO!"

Nigga done took his hat off.

"Please, come get me, please?

I'm at 4445 Washington, please get me.

16th floor, please.

I swear 'fore God, I got you."

Nigga put his glasses on in the tub to read the comments.

"Let me see if somebody gon' save me."

[laughter]

"I swear 'fore God, please.

Stop talkin' 'bout how thick she is and come get me, please."

[laughter]

[Rel laughing]

God, y'all laughing, that's some real shit.

Take care of your fuckin' people, you know?

It was tough, too, 'cause I was just here

not too long ago for a funeral.

Lost my Aunt Joan, who was so fuckin' amazing.

Aunt Joan was so dope, man, like--

and it's so funny, Aunt Joan was somebody--

I looked at that had the first really good job.

She was a manager at Burger King,

and that was a big deal...

in the fuckin' 80s.

Like-- ooh, I'm not even lying to you.

She'd show up with her Aunt Joan car

and her uniform, and it was like,

"Oh, shit, here come Aunt Joan!

In her Burger King uniform."

That was a big deal, somebody had a manager job at Burger King.

That's when they used to pay people, managers--

like, you ain't even had to have a high school diploma,

you just had to work there long enough.

He's like, "No, you a manager."

It's like, "Alright, cool."

And she used to give us all types of free shit.

We had all the free toys.

I'm not even lying.

And she had a beautiful funeral and shit, and--

It was at the original church we all,

you know, our family basically came up in.

And it's an old church, you know, that shit.

I don't know when they gon' get the floors done.

[laughter]

And let me tell you why I'm telling y'all that, right?

'Cause--

[Rel laughing]

I got a little nervous at the funeral shit,

'cause the...

the casket started, like, shakin'...

'cause the floor was shakin', like--

[singing] "Jesus gon' work it out!"

and then this was--

I saw the organ and shit shakin', I'm like, "God damn."

[Rel laughing]

Then they have older pallbearers and shit.

I hate that shit.

Let me say this, please get pallbearers

that's the-- like, make them honorary.

Don't make them for real pallbearers.

Y'all know them old-ass niggas can't pick that casket up.

So then they start looking for

volunteers, you know, they got the--

[Rel laughing]

the creepy-ass funeral director with

with white gloves,

"Would YOU like--"

"Alright, nigga, wait, yeah, yeah, yeah."

[laughter]

Let me tell you, there ain't nothing like freestylin' with some

niggas you don't know carrying a casket.

It ain't--

'Cause you know, y'all gotta have good feet.

Like, good feet movement.

If y'all got different shit going on, that shit...

It could take 30, 40 minutes to get out that fuckin'--

[laughter]

But that's not what fucked me up, alright?

This is some real shit.

I don't even know if my family even know I laughed at this,

but I'mma tell y'all, what the fuck.

So we get to the burial, right?

And a couple of things.

First of all, I am tired of people

who know we going to bury somebody--

We got to walk through grass, and they don't wear gym shoes.

Okay?

You walk into that shit, we got to wait on you,

'cause you got them fuckin' heels on.

People got to walk with you and shit to the chairs.

Little tiny-ass heels.

You know, 'cause if it's not a stiletto--

the little tiny heels get real stuck in there, because they--

[laughter]

"Waaait!

Don't-- don't do it yet."

[laughter]

"I'm supposed to do the scripture.

Wait!

WAIT."

[laughter]

[Rel laughing]

I'm glad y'all laughin', that's some real shit.

But you know what I laughed at the hardest?

You know, people y'all never noticed, is

the niggas that let the casket down, right?

[Rel laughing]

They been there all fuckin' day doin' that shit.

They don't give a FUCK about your funeral.

They don't care about your family,

they don't care about your tears.

I swear to God, I saw that nigga with his foot on a little silver thing,

doing this shit.

[laughter]

He started watching shit on his phone and shit.

"Ah ha ha!

Heyooo, ahhh!"

[laughter]

That nigga don't give a fuck about your funeral.

[laughter]

He don't even let that shit down nice,

ya know what I mean? Like--

[Rel laughing ]

They was letting that shit down, that shit had got stuck.

It's like, ah-- you know, 'cause

you know, we all cryin', and we sad,

you know, 'cause it's just our last time

seeing our loved one, it's going down.

And we all like, "Oh my God, ashes to ashes, dust to dust."

Next thing you know, you hear this nigga

talking about, "Ah shit, it ain't movin'!"

[laughter]

"It ain't movin'! Anybody got another key?"

'Cause you know, they got to crank that shit down like this.

[laughter]

[Rel laughing

But you know what I love about being back home in Chicago?

One thing I love about-- I love going to

like my home church, ya know what I mean?

I love-- 'cause like I live in L.A. and

shit, and--

[sighs]

These churches are weird in L.A.

[laughter]

Ya know what I mean? For real.

First of all, they ain't got no real choirs,

no, they got Dru Hill.

[laughter]

Just six random people with a

microphone walkin' up, singin' and shit.

They be walking around with that microphone

all service 'til it's their time.

[laughter]

I mean, I'm sick of it, like L.A. is just too new and bougie,

like, even like-- they don't even sing the like, the passionate

gospel songs, ya know what I mean?

These new black people at church, this new gospel music is too

just-- I don't know,

it's just too windy and heav-it-y.

[laughter]

It ain't no soul in it.

[belting]

I miss that shit.

You know, now these people talkin' 'bout,

[nasal singing] "Worthy is your name!

Je-eeeee-sus.

You deserve our praise.

Worthy is your naaame.

Worthy is your NA--"

This nigga got braids and shit and

tracksuit on, talkin' 'bout,

[nasal singing] "Jeeeee-eeee-sus!

You deserve our praise!"

[laughter]

You remember when you ain't know the words to church songs?

They got that shit on the screen,

[nasal singing] "Worthy is your name!

Jeeeeeee--

eeeeee--

--suuuuus!

You deserve our praise!

Worthy is yooooour--

--naaame."

[laughter]

Man, what the fuck is this?

You ain't got no verses, just chorus.

[laughter]

[Rel laughing]

I miss church, like, in the late 80s, early 90s.

[cheering]

Choir robes, shoulder pads in it.

You remember loose-ass sleeves?

You remember they had them loose-ass sleeves?

And them shoulder pads with loose-ass sleeves?

You ain't know where they arms at in those sleeves.

Their choir robes was one size fits all.

Everybody had on extra-larges.

[singing] "Don't wait till the battle's over, shout now," you know.

That's why you ain't know what the words were.

[random singing]

They ain't give a fuck then.

[unintelligible singing]

[laughter]

You know, had to have some--

[imitating the words]

[laughter]

It was too many people singing, you don't know what to put--

[imitating the words]

[laughter]

[unintelligible singing]

[singing] "FARE-THA-WEHHH!"

What the fuck is "fare-tha-well?"

[laughter]

[singing] "IT'S--THE--GREEEAT!"

[Rel laughing]

Y'all laughin', I miss old church.

They used to give anybody a solo.

You get a solo now, you could have a

record coming out, a record deal or somethin'.

In the late 80s,

you could've just got off drugs.

As long as you got baptized, they put you in a choir.

You get a solo and everything.

[Rel laughing]

You know, that's what they used to do.

They'd give people solos who had the best backstory.

You didn't have to know how to sing.

They'd be like, "Oh, they givin' a dope fiend Larry a solo, oh."

He didn't have to know how to sing or nothin'.

That little dope fiend, he'd be

happy as hell walking up to that podium.

First of all, they gave him a choir robe two weeks ago.

He been wearing that shit every day.

You see that nigga at the bus stop

on a Wednesday with the choir robes on.

"Goddamn bus is running late again.

I'mma be late for choir rehearsal."

[laughter]

[Rel laughing]

They give him a solo and everything.

You could tell he nervous too, the

choir director trying to talk to him.

[whispering] "You got this."

And I feel like they gave everybody

the same solo that just got off drugs.

If they knew how to sing or not.

You hear this song:

"Da da da...

Da-da-da da da da da

Da-da-da da da da da

Da-da-da da da da da

Da-da--"

[singing] "Tragedies are...

common place.

[audience singing along] All types of di-seas-es,

people are slipping za-way.

E-conomies do-own,

people ain't gettin' no pay!

As for me,

[audience singing along] all I can say is--

Thank you Lord, for all You've done for--"

This is when he start feelin' himself.

[singing] "Yeeeeeahhh!

Yeeeah yeeeah!

[singing] Yeah, it could've been me!

Thank-yooou!

OUTDOORS!

Thank-yooou!

WITH NO SHOE--

Thank-yooou!

AND NO CLOTHES!

Thank--"

He just start crying.

[sob-singing] "OR JUST ALONE!

[mumbling] WITHOUT A FRIEND!

Or just-- ba-ba-ba-ba--"

[cries]

[sobbing]

They gotta keep singin',

somebody gotta rub his back.

[singing] "Thank yoooou.

Thank you--"

[sobbing]

"Thank yoooou!"

[laughter]

[cheering]

[Rel laughing]

But hold on.

That's what them pastors used to be assholes.

You know, you done sang that song,

everybody in the church shoutin' and cryin'.

The pastor get down and put all your business out here.

[hoarse] "Let me say this real quick.

Ah, ah, ah,

Brother Larry just snorted crack cocaine.

Amen-- ah ah ah ah.

35 minutes ago-- ah ah ah--

he was out there selling his body, male prostitutin', amen.

Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah--

stole his mama's wigs

and sold them at the church picnic, amen.

Badaaaaah."

[laughter]

[Rel laughing]

That nigga Larry be the choir stand like this.

[laughter]

"Whatever."

[laughter]

"You know somethin'? I QUIT."

He take a choir robe off.

"I quit."

[Rel laughing]

[hoarse] "He was just on drugs, amen."

[laughter]

"God delivered him,

he was just...

...on crack cocaine.

Selling his body on Madison Street, amen.

Out there selling himself.

But God saw fit!"

[laughter]

[Rel laughing]

[Rel laughing]

Y'all laughin', I miss those preachers.

They used to preach hard back then, be tired.

These new pastors, they still got they same energy.

'cause they don't, you know...

they don't exude none.

They be like, "Hey, you guys got the word?

Great, see you next Sunday."

Ya know what I mean?

[laughter]

These old pastors back in the day,

you know the 80s, they had that towel on they neck.

That's how tired they was.

They'd be like--

[gravelly] "Here, let me say this to y'all,

we 'bout to get out."

Voice gone, "We 'bout to get up out of here.

Ummm...

We gon' here-- to get out of here soon."

He be so tired, he delirious.

[gravelly] "We 'bout to get out of here.

Amen, we 'bout to GO, amen."

Start having side conversations.

"What we doing after this?

What's going on down there?

After this-- they what-- they want to do-- now--

where-- after, after what?

Amen, they gon' be sellin' chicken dinners...

...immediately after service.

You know, Mother Bullock can fry some chicken, amen.

I'mma make sure I get me

some of that chicken.

Hold on, they got on the menu?

They got what on the men--

Yeah, they gon' have some greens,

cornbread and macaroni...

and cheese."

You can tell he thinkin' about the food,

he got quiet,

"Cheese.

Okay, God has smiled on me now."

[laughter]

Preachers be delirious.

[Rel laughing]

Just start talkin' 'bout whatever come to his head.

"I gotta get some gas after this, 'cause

uh...

I gotta drop off Mother Johnson...

because her son is sick.

And the van is..."

[laughter]

"on a couple flat tires, so...

We gon' go and get her--

GOD HAS SMILED ON ME!"

[laughter]

[Rel laughing]

[laughter]

[Rel sighs]

Yeah, that's it.

Uh

I don't know what--

[laughter]

[Rel laughing]

[audience cheering]

Chicago, thank you so much.

I had so much fun with y'all tonight.

I'm Lil Rel, that's my time.

Peace out y'all, thank y'all so much.

[upbeat music]