Original subtitles

Do you fancy having a bite with me?

We can discuss Islam Dunk. Don't you like eating out?

I thought you were my handsome gay dad friend.

You think I'm handsome?

"Ally Akbar."

Praise the Lord! He's cured the lepers!

- (THUNDERCLAP) - Yes, he's cured the lepers!

Jesus is the son of God. Praise the Lord!

VOICEOVER: 'Zein Amin is Judas in the retelling of the oldest story ever told.

'Coming this summer, the epic story...'

Hey, Jesus.

- Watch your back. - (THUNDERCLAP)

'Crown Of Thorns.'

(# SWEEPING SOUNDTRACK)

God, I hate him.

ON VIDEO: 'Six-part limited series, Crown of Thorns...'

Eat.

- What are you wearing? - He's trying to fit in at work!

So cringe. Total fail.

What? Look at me! I'm the rizz!

- You've GOT rizz. - Thank you.

Can you chase up Chloe, find out what's going on with the script?

- I need something good in my awful life. - What are you talking about?

You've got your Crown Of Thorns premiere coming out.

Yeah, good one(!) Have you seen the trailer?

- Yeah. - They're destroying me in the comments.

Yeah, I like the one, "Judas's only convincing betrayal

"is to the art of acting."

- Yeah. Poetic(!) - Mm-hm.

- What is going on here? - Bear broke up with her.

- Shut up, Layla. - Go, get a Happy Meal.

God knows you need it.

- I'm sorry, Lina. Love is so cruel. - Go!

Find Lottie!

Look, I know you don't want to hear it...

Bawbaw, please don't tell me I'll meet someone else.

He's beautiful!

I'd never been with an intellect before.

- Oh, this is just a joke to you... - No, wait, wait, wait.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, OK?

Why don't you go out, huh, and buy yourself something?

What, like a sandwich?

There you go.

I love you.

- Lottie? - (DOORBELL)

- What's going on? - (PANTING)

She is coming! Oh, my God, she is coming!

- Speak to your father. - Why'd you make him run like that?

- You could have just called me. - 'Shut up! No time! She's very upset.'

- Hey, Bawbaw. Who's upset? - 'Our sister.

'Afaf! She had a big fight in London with your cousin, Dr Noor.

- 'She's coming now, today.' - ZEIN: Who, Noor?

- I love Noor! - Not Noor! I know you love Noor.

No, your Aunt Afaf is coming and she's very angry

because Noor is leaving medicine, I don't know why. Why, oh, why?

- What's she leaving to do? - 'To be a writer. What's wrong with her?

'She's a very successful doctor.'

Why should she shame the whole family?

- A writer, can you imagine? - I'm a writer.

'No, Sammie, she's writing the romantic book.

'You know, with the sexy time in it. It's not the same as you.

'People will actually read what she writes.'

- That's true. - Funny.

'Afaf is furious. You need to put your family in line.

'Listen, Zein, you must pretend you are married to Zu, OK?'

- (LAUGHING) This is fucking brilliant! - MO: 'No fucking around Afaf!

'Zein, if my sister knows you are not married, the whole of Egypt will know.

'Then they'll all judge me.

'She's very mean woman, but she's rich.

- 'Very wealthy.' - Yeah.

'I have to go. Gamal knows the plan.'

OK. Bye.

- So what if she's rich? - Man, come on, don't be stupid!

Dr Noor is just kicked out of Aunt Afaf's will.

And you, you both are the next in line.

- Us? We? - Yes!

You! But she thinks of you that you are bad Muslims

because you are loose men.

- You more than him. - That's fair.

- She's right. - Sammie, why are you dressed like this?

Dress up like an Egyptian, not like an American. She already hates you.

And you, Zein, dress up little Ruby like an angel.

She loves babies.

It's a pity you don't have a boy. She would love that.

- She's very sexist. - SAM: OK.

I'll cancel work. Send me her flight details.

OK, be ready, all right?

OK.

Remember what your father says. She's ve-e-ery wealthy!

She wants good Muslims? We'll give her good Muslims.

(PHONE RINGING)

(STOPS RINGING)

(STARTS RINGING)

Lina, sweetheart, how are you?

Sorry, I was just saying my prayers.

Louie's doing really well. He's in the top group for numeracy and also...

- (PHONE RINGING) - Sorry, um...

- What's wrong? - Nothing, it's just Chloe from work.

OK, love you. Go on, Buttons.

- Are you mad at me about Lottie? - No!

No, I just need to answer this call. I'll see you later.

- Do you think we'll find her? - Please don't get upset.

- It's OK... - Are you OK down there, Mr Amin?

- Chloe from work's calling him. - Is she?

(RINGING CONTINUING)

Why don't you head on in?

- Well, well, well. - Miss Mal... Leslie. How are you doing?

I want to talk to you. I just need to take this call, OK?

- Chloe, can't really talk right now. - 'What are you wearing?

- 'You look ridiculous.' - Cheers. Did you get my email about...?

'I don't give a shit about your aunt. I need face-to-face time. Tomorrow, yeah?

'Anyways, I miss seeing you cock-strutting around the office, you right rooster you!'

Jesus!

- 'Who's that?' - That's Miss Malone, Nancy's teacher.

Look, I'd better go here. See you tomorrow, yeah? Sorry, bye.

Video calls?

I can't even get a text back.

- Well, this last week's been... - Exhausting, I imagine.

With all the cock-strutting around work.

- No, no. It's been... - Piss off, Sam!

You were texting for weeks, and then what? Nothing?

I wasn't looking for anything!

You're the one who suggested doing something some time.

- If you're not interested... - Of course I'm interested.

What are you, blind? Look at you and look at me.

You're the reason people name stars, for fuck's sake.

Well, then, what?

Well, it was Ramadan and...

OK, look, to be honest, I started thinking and...

maybe I'm not ready for a serious relationship.

Mary mother of God, Sam! We've not even been on a date yet. Jesus!

Who even knows if I'm that interested?

So far, the highlight of our situation-ship is a pair of candy pants

and one dirty text, which you grammatically corrected

then sent your below-par recipe for couscous.

Couscous. You know that's Arabic slang for... (WHISPERS) ..vagina?

- I think I'm going to go now. - No, no.

Come back, come back.

I'm sorry, OK?

I'm very rusty at all this, Les. I do really, really like you.

How can I make it up? Anything, anything, anything, anything.

Dick pic!

- Now? - No, later, behind the monkey bars.

You flipping dope!

- Just bring me for dinner some time. - I will.

- And not somewhere shite. - I wouldn't.

Bye, Miss Malone.

- Bye. Right, come on, kids. - (SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

(RUBY GURGLING, ZU HUMMING SOFTLY)

- This is ridiculous! - Aunt Afaf's old-school. Listen to me.

ZEIN: Just keep it, Lina, all right? Do as I say.

- OK, finally, she's asleep! - LINA: Mark my words!

This is not going to end well.

And if anyone asks, I'll tell them the men in my family make me wear this!

The irony's not lost on me.

- Hey. - Hey.

- Sweetie... - Oh! No, no, no.

No, Zu, listen to me. This woman is loaded. I'm talking Arab money rich.

OK. One condition.

Yeah?

My friend Katia.

Did you... (CLICKS HER TONGUE) ..with her?

It's OK, it's OK. We're not together. It's not a big deal.

It's not a test.

Just want the truth.

Just texting Youssef.

- You're obsessed with him. - We have similar backgrounds.

- Mark, I've been very clear with you. - Get over yourself.

Oh, my God, is this about the Karate Kid? Again?

It would have been nice if you'd have watched it with me.

Karate Kid 1's only two hours and six minutes and it's brilliant!

- (MEN LAUGHING) - I watched Mean Girls with you.

- They weren't even that mean. - It's a musical, Mark.

Yeah, I know. It's the longest hour and 56 minutes of my life.

Go this way and don't look.

- I said don't look, didn't I? - What was that all about?

Nothing you'll ever have to worry about.

It was test, you lying motherfucker!

You are a dog.

Fuck you and your auntie mother bitch!

Sorry, Zu, all right? I'm just trying to be open here.

Zu, he's sorry. Will you please calm down, Zu? Ruby is asleep, Zu.

OK. OK, OK. I'm OK, I'm calm, Cormac.

I'm calm.

Now you're open. Dog!

- (ZEIN GROANS) - Hey, Sam.

- Hey, Zu. - Zu...

- What are you wearing, pal? - What are YOU wearing, pal?

- And what is this yoke? - It's laundry. Don't judge, Sammie.

I was experimenting. Sexually, you know, with Tanya and Renee.

Costumes and stuff.

The whole throuple thing got a bit stale, did it? And what?

You thought I'd wash your hairy sex suit in with Nancy's Paddington PJs, is it?

- Thanks for your help, Cormac(!) - I didn't know she was in love with you.

- Or that she did military service. - You think she's in love with me?

Anyway, whatever. Now I have Ruby for the rest of the week.

- Is that... for furry sex? - Yeah.

- Tell me everything, please. - Me too.

Are you all dressed like bears? Are you like Goldicocks?

Yeah. It's like... I mean...

Ugh, who am I kidding?

I'm so miserable!

I can't even watch Everton any more, they just never leave me alone.

It's just sex, sex, sex all the time. Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex.

Why does God hate me?

- I wasn't ready to be a dad. - Shut up, both of you!

Cormac, ever since all this shit with Dymphna,

you've just been making one bad mistake after the other.

Yeah? First you quit your job, and then Tanya and Renee.

Obviously you're not happy with the girls,

otherwise you wouldn't be hiding here all the time.

You tried it. Now end it.

- And as for you, you s... - I'm not happy, Sam.

There, I said it. OK?

I love Ruby, I really do, but I hate being a dad.

Women don't look at me the same way. I'm just being honest, Sam.

Unlike some.

What is it with the script, huh?

Huh? Why are you avoiding Chloe?

Because I think she gets off on intimidating me. You know, sexually.

- At your age? What a sicko! - Boo-fucking-hoo, Sam.

That's why the script's not getting made?

Because you're not willing to eat some producer's whisker biscuit?

Whisker biscuit?

(CHILDLIKE) "I'm not happy! I'm not happy!"

You should hear yourself! You're a dad. So... man-up!

- That's it. It is what it is, OK? - Man-up.

- Man-up. - Man-up, that's it.

(LAUGHS) That's it.

- Yeah. - I'll fucking show you guys!

I'm gonna fucking man-up. Oh, yeah. I'm gonna be fucking loaded.

Eat the biscuits, Sam. I'll dress Ruby as a boy.

I don't know what he got from that conversation...

- I'm gonna man-up as well. - You don't need to man-up.

- You mean...? - Yeah, if you could man-down?

I need to man down. Yeah.

I really don't understand why you're wearing galabeya.

- You don't wear galabeya in Egypt. - It's good. It's enough.

And I hear my little Zein is doing really well, big movie star!

You have your mother's ears.

- (LAUGHING) Big, big, big, big, big! - Agh!

- GAMAL: It's dangerous! - I'm driving.

No problem, you know. Big ears, big nose. It's a nice balance, Sammie.

- I can't recognise where we are, Sam. - Sam moved, changed houses.

- Huh? Ah, good. - It's closer to the schools.

Ah, good. Good, bravo. The house was so small.

(WHISPERS) And dirty.

- It wasn't dirty. - OK.

- It wasn't. - OK. OK.

- It wasn't that small. - OK.

DYMPHNA: Afaf's will?

And what? Has he poor Nancy dressed up as a mummy?

God! Men are thick as paint! Gobshites!

I mean, I like Afaf, but you don't need to wear that yoke to impress her.

I'm sorry, pet, I...

I just mean yous are great girls and you don't need a selling point.

Anybody who thinks you do can just feck off!

Yeah, Giddu says she's sexist.

The whole world's sexist. That's why us girls have to stick together.

- Um... I wanted to give you something. - (PHONE RINGING)

I was, er... I was keeping these for Tracy.

I'm sorry.

(CRYING) Oh, the state of me!

I suppose I've just been thinking a lot about your mum.

My life and...

Yeah, I think maybe I'll go back up to Belfast soon, I've...

...some business to finalise there.

- Do you want us to go with you...? - No, no. You'd be bored senseless.

God, it's good to see you.

What, did yous have a row or what?

I... I can't remember.

Try telling the truth, Lina. It's great. You don't have to remember anything.

Well, I didn't see Tara a lot when I was going out with Bear.

- It's been hard. We broke up. - Yesterday!

It was awkward with Tara. It's like she's jealous.

Ah, girls, be careful.

Boys will come and go, even the ones that stay, but...

your friends, they're for life.

What about your wee pal, Layla, the chatty fella?

- Markipedia. - Shut up! Lina hates Mark.

I don't hate him. He just never shuts up asking stupid questions.

She's annoyed cos he asked what her five-year plan was

and she said to grow her own vegetables.

I said kombucha mushrooms, and I said I'd like a podcast.

Girls, girls, be good to each other and be good to your friends.

None of it lasts.

Are you sure you're OK? Please come back with us.

No, no. You go and help the lads with Afaf.

And you like the jewellery?

Good.

Oh, he's so handsome.

Why, Gamal, you say that Zein had a little girl?

- You didn't tell her about your brain? - Well... My brain!

His brain, it's like mush, like a desert.

And you know, Mo was saying me Rahim's name is Ruby.

Ah, no. Ruby of his heart.

- Ah. - It's a saying. He says it a lot.

- LAYLA: Why are you wearing that? - Everybody else got a costume.

It's not a costume. This is so offensive on so many levels.

Today's the kind of day you choose which bits to be offended by, Layla.

Like it's so airy. I'm converted.

It's a beautiful galabeya, Cormac. You are Muslim?

"Yani..."

You look ridiculous! You look like Aladdin. He does.

- It's not what it looks like. - Huh.

It's exactly what it looks like.

Because I know a beautiful Egyptian woman. You are married?

(CHUCKLES) At the moment, it's a bit complicated, Aunt Falafel.

- Afaf. Yes. - Afaf.

- So, what do you do? - I'm independently wealthy.

But I'm an accountant by trade.

Ah. And you, Sammie? You're still unemployed?

No, actually. I'm writing for a...

Same, same, Sam! Same, same.

- (DOORBELL) - Jeepers, it's busy today.

It is! It's good to see you.

Lottie!

GAMAL: Lufti!

Lottie, not Lufti!

ZEIN: Can everyone just calm down, please?

Just sit down, please. I'll put that there. It's OK.

- Oh, nice! - Bear, what are you doing here?

I wrote an ode to you, Lina.

"Ally wak-bar" everyone.

- CORMAC: "Shallam shallack", brother! ― Oh, my God! Is it just me?

- No! - Listen, sorry for my intrusion,

but I need you to know, Lina, OK?

I love you, Lina.

Allah!

Bear!

The old me would tell me not to share my feelings.

No, they'd tell me to hide them away

under the shameful shadows of my toxic maleness.

- He's not going to do that, is he? - But the new me...

- He is. - He would say, "Share it all, Bear!"

"Share it all, Bear!"

Yes, yes! Share, Bear! Share!

BEAR: An ode to Lina.

I'm a Bear in the woods

And you're my tree.

I grope on your bark because it's calling to me.

Claw you, devour, animalistic with power

- Your juicy sap on my lips. - (SAM TUTTING)

Lick, lick, lick.

Grasping my heart and my big Bear...

EVERYONE: Whoa!

- Get some air. - That was fantastic. Round of applause.

Very nice. Thank you.

ZEIN: We go take Rahim for a walk now? Yeah?

ZEIN: Sorry about all that back then.

Women? (CHUCKLES) Love?

I am so happy you have a son.

Now the Amin family name can live.

She likes him. She likes him, really.

Bbbbbrrrrr. Brr-brr. (CHUCKLES)

Can I push him?

Sammie's really good with her. Him.

They're really close.

It's good you have your brother. He's just like a woman, yeah?

You know, I like Cormac.

He's funny, he's financially independent.

Just like me.

- Just like you? Oh, really? - Yeah.

Wow, I did not know that.

Look, look!

When we go back to Egypt, I'm going to go and see my cousin, Omar.

He's a big lawyer in Cairo.

Now that I've seen Raheem, I'm sure of it.

I'm going to leave everything to you.

Such a good man.

You're good man, Habibi. You're so good.

And so handsome, just like my father!

Ruby!

- Zein! - Ruby!

(RUBY GIGGLES)

(MAN CRIES OUT)

You nearly bloody killed me!

I'm so sorry. Thank you, though.

- Sorry me arse! - Thank you, thank you.

Tell me knee. (GROANS) You going to pay me doctor?

- It's 80 euro and I live on a pension. - ZEIN: I'll pay.

Rahim!

- She's OK. - She?

(AFAF GROANS)

(RUBY CRIES)

What's happening?

(GAMAL CRYING)

SAM: It's OK. She'll have cooled down by the time she gets on the flight.

Yeah, have some lunch.

GAMAL: (CRYING) How will I explain this to Mo?

Life's too short, man.

Gotta seize those precious moments.

I'll be back in a sec.

ZEIN: Man, I was so close.

She'll never put me in her will now.

- All that Afaff for nothing! - ALL: Cormac!

What? Funny.

- 'Surprise, surprise!' - Hey, Leslie.

- 'Hey!' - So, I was wondering

if you might fancy some food on Saturday.

Not somewhere shite?

'Yeah, er, that might be good.'

OK. Cool. So, say... seven?

'Yeah...'