Original subtitles

Astonishing!

- You didn't tell him to shut up once! - Shut up, Mark.

Definitely not able for Cormac shite today.

- I'm Bear, Tara. - He's Bear.

- A pint of Guinness? - "Trashy Amin"?

- Fancy a pint? - Way too soon.

- Yeah, but like, what type of a dress? - I don't know, Lina, just... a dress.

Like... a dress-dress?

Or like a dress-to-impress?

- I'm messing! Oh, my God. - NANCY: Help!

I'll leave some on your bed.

Nancy's stuck in the toilet, again!

Can someone please fix this door?

- I hate this house! - (DOOR SLAMS)

- So, Bawbaw, Valentine's... - What is with Layla?

I don't know. She wants a dress for the disco.

Like a... dress-dress?

See, Valentine's gifts, brah.

(SAM LAUGHS) That's a lot of chocolate!

Yeah, well, what can I say?

Bear likes sweet things!

And I've nothing for Miss Malone.

Do you really need a gift for your teacher?

- Yes. - Is that not a little bit sucky?

No, I need a gift. And please write the card.

- She'll know my handwriting. - Grab some from Lina's bag!

Go on! Bear's got, like, ten boxes of chocolate in there.

If it was me, I wouldn't mind giving Miss Malone one, right?

- Quickly, put them in your bag! - (KNOCK ON DOOR)

Ustaz Lovey-Loverson! Excited for the big boys' night tonight?

Only schoolgirls and morons get excited about Valentine's.

♪ It's here! The greatest day of the year! ♪

- Happy Valentine's Day, everyone! - Exhibit A.

- Happy Valentine's Day, Uncle Cormac. - (CLICKS HIS TONGUE)

(CLICKS HER TONGUE)

You may go to the ball because the guest list for The Vault is sorted.

- Do me! - And you shall go to the ball, dearest.

- Dymphna's boxed off to babysit, too. - Yes, pal.

- This one, Bawbaw? - Yeah, yummy. Yum, yum, yum.

That there are my favourite. And here...

Go!

ZEIN: Those lucky ladies, man. It's been a while!

- I'm so excited. - Why? When was the last time you had sex?

With someone? Four months, 11 days.

Jeez, I'm so sorry, pal.

- Are you OK? - Yeah.

Are you two OK? Seriously.

We're not all sexless like you, Sam!

CORMAC: Please don't purge people's healthy sexual energy, Sam.

It's very toxic, pal. You're a bit anti-sex.

I'm not anti-sex. And I don't purge people's sexual energy!

Yeah, you do. You're like the Sexorcist.

Don't worry, Zein. It's Valentine's.

- Women are desperate for love. - Desperado.

Yeah, yeah. They're desperados? You two are desperate.

- Stay back. - You stay back.

Poo kite!

Anime club. Art Attack.

- Basketball, coding, drama. - Poo kite!

And, er... What else? Jujitsu.

SAM: Jesus, Clive. You memorise them in alphabetical order?

- Poo kite! - Good lad. Here, eat this.

- And he's starting Mandarin. - Really? Him?

- MISS MALONE: Excuse me, Mr Amin. May I? - See you later, Clive.

- Looked like you needed saving. - Thank you, thank you.

Con's learning Mandarin.

MISS MALONE: Learning how to eat a mandarin might be more useful.

(LAUGHS) You're very funny.

Thank you. No other compliments for a girl on Valentine's Day?

Well, you've a very tiny symmetrical face

and your hair looks very smooth and resistant to static electricity.

- Sorry. - (LAUGHING) OK! Oh, Sam.

My bestie, Ciara's, down from Derry and, well, we're both single...

- Really? - Yeah, I know, shocking!

Anyway, I don't really know the city

and I've no friends here and she loves cocktails and it's Valentine's...

- Are you asking me...? - Yeah.

Would you and your Cormac know of a nice wee club?

- Somewhere where you and your friends go? - We're going to The Vault tonight.

- Oh, class. Maybe see you there? - Yeah.

It doesn't matter we're not gay or anything does it?

I wouldn't think so, no.

- OK. - Poo kite!

Mandarin?

As if China doesn't have enough problems. I'll see you later.

(PHONE RINGING)

Bear, I said I'd call her back.

Don't worry about her. She is jealous.

She knows it's Valentine's and she's calling you. I mean, come on, Lina.

We're best friends.

I'm your best friend!

Listen, I do love my jumper, but you know...

...personally, I could never endorse those capitalists by buying their wares.

I... I don't either. I only bought it because I thought you'd like it.

- Ah, fuck! I sound ungrateful now. - Stop, no, you don't.

It's how they get you, though, right?

Seduce you with Christmas or Valentine's.

Erupting all your emotions

so you're left standing there,

sipping spiced lattes.

Those little Guatemalan children.

The poor fuckers.

CHLOE: Right, so that's it? Off we go, guys.

Eoin, this character Vince's job.

Like what actually is an "augmented reality journey builder"?

Well, he designs the experience. You know, bringing the AR scenes to life.

Right, yeah. W... Where?

- Online. - On the internet?

No. (LAUGHING) No, not on the internet.

Look, augmented reality is superimposing computer generated objects.

So that when look at your phone,

it feels like you're actually looking at these objects.

In real? You think I'm a fucking eejit, don't you?

No, no. My dad's much worse.

Still pronounces the Ls in "tortillas".

- Like your jeans. - They're crops.

"The internet?" Fucking knob!

- I don't think I'll bother with tonight. - No?

Yeah, I'm tired and I've nothing to wear anyway.

Borrow something from Lina. She has like the best drip ever.

Well, she doesn't wear one of these. Nothing goes with it, ever.

- Well, do you have to wear it? - I don't HAVE to wear it.

It's a choice. I don't WANT to wear it, but I want to wear it.

- Do you get me? - Loud and clear.

"Never put passion in front of principle.

- "Even if you win, you lose." - Your mum or the Karate Kid?

I'm gonna go with... your mum.

- Karate Kid. Jelly? - They have pork in them.

You know, if you don't go,

I'm not going either.

I only have fun when you're around, anyways.

You could come to mine.

My mum says we can have a big dirty takeaway any time we like.

YOUSSEF: Hey, Mark, mind if I talk to Layla for a minute?

Hey, so... What's up?

(GROANS)

I don't like this, I feel like a prisoner!

Stop moaning. It's for emergencies.

When you press it, it'll only contact me or Sammie anyway!

You make me melt. I love this age.

Why no one's asking me to be a baby minder? Baby loves me.

- What are you even doing? - I'm thinking.

Well, Mr Thinker, you can sit around the whole day thinking, but I see you, Zein.

I have eyes like a hawk.

Look at him, sitting there with his legs on the chair.

Are you waiting for someone to paint you?

Enough!

This is my way of getting my head around the character, all right? It's my process.

Oh, maybe try and give him a real job, this character?

- And help us with paying the bills? - I will pay the bills.

I'll have you know that my new series, Crown Of Thorns,

will be premiering this May in America.

- Is it any good? - It's shite, but that's not the point.

- The point is America. - America!

A miracle is what you need, my friend. Get a real life. Get a real job!

I'm done.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

MISS MALONE: I'll see you after lunch.

Oh, wow! Is that for me?

It's from a secret admirer.

- How exciting. - It might or might not be from my dad.

- Did he ask you to give me this? - Well, I can't really say.

But I told him it was Valentine's Day and he said he wouldn't mind giving you one.

Bawbaw said that they're really yummy, and they're his favourite.

Happy Valentine's Day, Miss Malone. (CLICKS HER TONGUE)

Really, I'm sick of all of them treating me like a baby.

The lads are just worried for you, Gamal and no wonder at our age.

Do you ever get the feeling your life was just a dream?

I mean, I know I did all these things.

I went to all these different places.

And I raised these children.

And it all went by so fast, too fast to hang on to.

So, why do I feel invisible?

Well... because you...

we... we are old.

Yeah, yeah. That's my reality.

Look, do you mind babysitting for the boys?

I've got a headache coming on.

(TAP-TAP)

- Hey! - Hey.

- Sorry, do you mind if I just...? - No. No.

Let's see.

Right.

- It's just the second pass. - No, it's super.

- I love it. - Really?

Look, I just wanted to have a word with you.

Obviously, the team is very young.

And we don't have your... experience.

Oh, well, the notes you gave me on Islam Dunk, they were dead-on.

You're... You're a great producer.

I really value your input.

And I really value you, Sam.

Your hands-on maturity, your depth.

- Oh, so sorry! - (GROANS)

Thanks.

- God, what a day! - Mm. So, where are you rushing off to?

- Nowhere. Just home, the kids. - Ah! No Valentine's date for Daddy?

Me? Nah, just getting a bit old for all that.

Well, then, if you're free, do you fancy having a bite with me?

We can discuss Islam Dunk. You can really fill me in.

- See how we progress from there. - Mm?

Er... Well... I would, but...

But what?

Don't you like eating out?

Kinda watching what I eat at the moment, to be honest.

But we'll do it... We'll do it again.

- Great day. Thanks, Chloe. - Uh-huh.

I left my pen. It's a good one, but... I'll get another one.

- Bye, Chloe. - Bye.

Bye, everyone.

(BIRDSONG)

SAM: Layla!

Layla. (KNOCK ON DOOR)

Can you not hear me calling you?

- Da-amn! - What?

- Bawbaw, what? - You look beautiful.

Sorry, I've never seen you wearing make-up before.

Look at my eyes. I look like a fly.

Go on. There's my face, make a joke about it.

I think the last thing your face needs is another shitty one-liner.

Layla, no one is making you dress a certain way.

- Aren't they? - No, they aren't.

Stop being so hard on yourself.

You're just figuring things out.

You wouldn't understand. It's different for me.

Um... Sorry to break it to you - it's not.

Look...

I'm going on my first boys' night in years.

You don't think I feel uncomfortable? I came in to ask YOU what I should wear.

I can't be Zein or Cormac. Hamdullah!

I just have to be me.

Truth is, I don't care if you wear a hijab or a bucket hat.

Whatever.

I love YOU.

"You look great, Bawbaw, by the way." "Thanks, Layla. So sweet of you."

(DOOR CLOSES)

(PHONE RINGING)

I'm not paying for food. You're late.

Er... I'm not a delivery man.

Good for you, cos I didn't order any food. What do you want? Who are you?

- Layla. - You're Layla?

- Youssef. - And you want Layla? What for?

Disco?

- How do you know my Layla? - Er... school?

What's wrong with you? You only speak in one words?

Layla. Disco. School. Are you simples?

NANCY: Help, help! Uncle Gamal!

You're not going anywhere. You stay here.

Stay here.

Stay here, and don't move, huh?

Otherwise I make shawarma out of you.

(GAMAL GROANS)

Oh, darling, how many times I told you, habibti?

Don't take Lottie to the toilet. It's disgusting!

- In Egypt we kill these things. - I'm sorry. Please don't kill her.

LAYLA: Tell him I'm coming, Uncle Gamal.

Well, she's coming.

No funny business.

Cos anything you do to her, I do to you! OK?

Not really, but...

OK.

(DOOR OPENS)

YOUSSEF: Wow. You look so beautiful, Layla.

Looky-looky, now you can't shut up, hey?

OK, let's go, troops. Are we collecting Mark?

No, he's not going. I won't be late, Uncle Gamal. Youssef's mum's gonna drop us home.

Remember, I have eyes like a hawk.

Anything you do...

Ma'a al-salem.

(MUSIC POUNDING)

- ZEIN: Fuck's sake, Cormac! - SAM: He's not answering.

Let's just go. We've been here ages.

- You're joking, right? - I know a nice Mexican round the corner.

- Does she have a sister? - (MIMICS ZEIN)

That's why you're not getting lucky. Honestly, wreaks of desperation.

CORMAC: Yo! What's happening?

- Me and you are pals, right? - There he is.

- Cormac! What the fuck, man? - Zein!

- WOMEN: Time for shots! - You're not going to believe this.

- Cormy! - Yes?

- Where did you go? - I'm here. Zein.

This is Renee. No. Yeah. You're Renee.

And this is Tanya, her girlfriend. You hear what I just said? Girlfriend.

- I like to call her Tonya... - Sammie!

CORMAC: Because she's very posh.

DOORMAN: Ladies, can you take your drinks back inside, please?

You need to move away from the door. Move to the back of the queue, please.

- No, we're with him. - They're with me.

- ID? - (ZEIN LAUGHS)

You're joking, right? Have you seen his face?

You're required to have identification.

You think we went through puberty when I was, like, four?

- No ID, you're not getting in. - ZEIN: This is ridiculous.

- Listen, Wreck-It Ralph... - I'll deal with this.

My good man, listen, this is my brother.

- He doesn't have identification. - Sorry.

He's sorry. But he will happily present his testicles as a form of identification.

I'm serious, because you'll find they're very long

and, more importantly, they're very old.

- So, show him your droopy balls, Sammie. - I'm going.

- Show him your droopy balls, Sammie. - Look, mate, I'm taking my droopy balls

- and I'm going home, Cormac. - Go to the back of the queue.

- Show him your droopy balls, Sammie! - ZEIN: Cormac! Cormac, ssh!

MISS MALONE: (SLURRED) You're a filthy bastard!

Miss Malone! Well, you look... You look lovely.

Don't "Miss Malone" me, you. Ciara, that's him!

CIARA: Who? Not yer man?

The gay sweetie G-string guy?

(CIARA LAUGHS)

Think you won the golden ticket, did you?

- Willy Wanker! - (SAM LAUGHS)

- She's fun! - How could you, Sam?

You said you were gay. You should be ashamed of yourself.

I never said I was gay!

Dirty boy.

Dirty, dirty boy!

- Who's your friend? - It's my brother, Zein.

Gay or nay, he can eat my knickers any time.

Sadly, I'm not wearing any tonight. So, no starter for him!

SAM: You OK?

- (RETCHING) - Ooh!

Look at what you did now!

- You've upset Ciara! - I didn't do anything!

I thought you were my handsome, funny gay dad friend, but it was all a lie!

I wish you'd stop saying I'm gay... Wait. Sorry, you think I'm handsome?

Well, I did, till you turned wee Nancy into your super pimp.

- What are you talking about? - Edible knickers, Sam?

I like a bit of filth as well as the next girl, but that is just...

CIARA: So sick!

- Well, it's not sick... - No...

Ooh!

- (PHONE RINGS) - Sorry, don't go anywhere, yeah?

Hello... Yeah, yeah, that's me.

Yeah, that's my uncle, sadly.

What?

Sorry, go back. What emergency services were called?

Oh, God.

(BABY CRYING)

Shit! Look at the door!

- I said no fuss! - (RUBY CRYING)

- And you told me only call you. - SAM: Are you OK?

- What happened? - The stupid toilet door.

- Where's Nancy? - It's OK, she's sleeping.

- Yeah, I very much doubt that. - GAMAL: What do you mean?

I have eyes like hawk!

- Zein Amin, I see everything. - Thank you.

Give me the baby.

(PHONE CHIMES)

CORMAC: 'Pal... Bawbaw! I'm not coming home.

'I'm in Tanya and Renee's toilet.

'I think they want to have sex, because they said they want to have sex.

'It's great, best day ever. OK, bye. Oh, don't tell Mam!'

What the fuck? Sex with both of them?

(PHONE CHIMES)

- What? He sent pictures? - No, it's a text from Nancy's teacher.

- God, it's filthy. - Yeah? What are you thinking?

Her spelling is atrocious!

I got this, tha...

"Ally Akbar".

Hawk eyes, my arse.

SAM: Lina!