Original subtitles

- What... What are you talking about? - Sam!

ZU: I fucking telling him I was going back to work.

Hi.

- MO: 'Uncle Gamal.' - He's not fucking coming here.

All men in our family cursed!

I think you should move out, Cormac.

- Mam kicked me out, just like that. - What the fuck are you talking about?

SAM: I'm way too busy. I am this close to selling my script!

- So, any questions for me? - Not right now.

'Experiencing erectile dysfunction is not uncommon.

'It's when these experiences

'become consistent and persistent that it's a problem.

'I'm going to give you a morning ritual to make your penis stronger

'and give you a better, firmer erection.

'Even possibly making it a little bigger.

'For older gentlemen, it'll even tighten the testicles.'

Your boyfriend wants to bless Mum's new headstone?

Bear offered to perform an aromatic aiding ritual. It's spiritual, Layla.

- Do you want to do hands with me, Layla? - No.

Come on, Lina. An "aromatic aiding ritual"?

- Mum didn't even like scented candles. - Bear wants to be there for me.

You might understand one day, if you ever get a man.

'OK, remove any restrictive clothing.

'Feel loose and relaxed.

'Take out your penis and start by stroking the penis.

'While executing a steady stroke,

'contract the bulbospongiosus muscle that wraps around the base of the penis...'

(AUDIO STOPS)

No, no, no.

VIDEO: '..Contract and relax.

'Contract...

- '..and relax. Contract...' - Aagh!

Aagh!

- Want to do "hands" with me, Lina? - No.

And that's not how air quotes work. Get ready for school.

- What's this? - Put it back! It's Uncle Cormac's.

Go and get ready!

- Cormac! - (DOORBELL)

CORMAC: I have seen too much, Sammie!

Why would you be naked, arse up on the bed like that, waiting for me?

I wasn't waiting for you! I didn't know you were going to come in, did I?

And I was, yeah, yeah. I was naked.

- Naked in my room! - LAYLA: Ew!

- I'd like to go now. - Well, Mr Amin.

In a time full of filters, being brave enough to be seen naked

is pretty cool in my book.

- Shalam shallak, everybody. - Thank you, Mark.

It's Salaam alaykum. Teach him that, did you?

Shalam shallack, pal. Do not change the subject!

It is scrotally unacceptable to have those things swinging around.

- You'd put small person's eye out! - Do you want to do hands with me, Bawbaw?

Careful. Watch your eyes, pet.

Here, put your lunch in your bag.

They're Uncle Cormac's new breasts.

To think you thought he'd have nothing to do since quitting his job.

Where does one purchase something like that?

Groupon, Mark, they have everything.

Watch. Now, we can chest-feed Ruby

and she will be comfortable with us as male nurturers.

- I think I'd like to leave now. - Me too.

Don't forget, me at two, then Lina, then the grave, yeah?

Yeah. And how will this look to people, Cormac?

Me breastfeeding my niece with a big pair of rubber-double-Ds?

It'll take the focus off your droopy balls!

Anyway, look, I need to talk to you, Sammie.

I'm not talking to Mum at the moment,

but she's saying she's not going to Tracy's grave,

so you need to talk to her about that, OK?

But don't tell her I told you to talk to her about that.

- Also tell her that I have quit my job. - OK, yeah.

Oh, tell her also that I'm going to move to China.

- Like, really soon. - Anything else?

Yeah, bathroom door's still broken. It's very unsettling.

We're not all exhibitionists like you, pal.

- Hi, Nancy. - Hi, Lily.

Look, don't worry about today.

OK?

Why don't I ask Lily's mum if she can come over and stay Saturday?

Give me a kiss.

Go on.

SAM: I love you, Buttons.

- Girls, huh? - Oh, yeah. Have you got kids?

Oh, God, no! Can't stand them!

If I did, they'd be up on e-Bay. "One previous owner, will deliver."

My girlfriend always says that. Sounds funny when she says it.

I didn't mean "my girlfriend".

I'm not a lesbian. At all!

Quite the opposite. Not in a trampy way, just normal.

Not normal. It's fine if you're a lesbian. Not that you are.

- You're not a woman. Are you? - N-no.

Oh, thank goodness. It's not even nine and I'm already assuming people's genders!

Is Nancy OK?

We've finally got a headstone for her mum's grave. We're heading there later.

Maybe you could keep an eye on her today?

(WHISPERS) Do you want a sleepover?

When?

You'd better ask quickly. Lily's mum's leaving.

Sorry, could you wind your window down?

Um... I'm Sam. Nancy was wondering if Lily might want to come for a sleepover.

- Who? - Nancy... Nancy.

Lily's not going for a sleepover with some strange man I don't know.

No, totally. I'm Nancy's dad.

- You're not Nancy's dad. - What have you heard? No, I am her dad.

I've seen her dad - simple, gormless looking fella in a football top.

- Her Uncle Cormac, he is fairly gormless. - ZU: Sam!

Dan, no, sorry.

Sam!

Jesus, Zu!

Don't get your long balls in twist.

Listen, need big favour, Sam.

Got to fill in on Atlatic to San Fran. Three days.

- It's double time for me. - No, no way.

- I can't. - I know, I'm sorry.

But you're having to since your brother is a FUCKING BUM LOSER!

Ssh.

Mama needs to make money, huh?

(CHILDLIKE) I need money, Sammie.

- Zu... - Sam, look, I don't have anyone.

And I don't need them, fuck them! But maybe you I need.

A little.

I know Zein left you, too. He lets everyone down when they need him.

- Zu, I... - And if Ruby doesn't matter you say.

(SNIFFLING) We go.

- We go. - Hm. No, no. I'll take her.

Thank you! Thank you, Sammie. Thank you.

(SQUEALS) Oh, I, er...

I left my breast milk in the fridge, but go easy.

You Egyptians, what do you do? Bathe in it?

No, no, no, no, huh!

LINA: Look, I know he's not my type on paper and all, but...

I don't know, right now it feels... nice.

- What's going on? - Nothing.

- You upset about...? - What, today?

No.

- No. - A little?

A little.

I know Mum's gone ages but, like, she's never going to meet my husband or...

Fuck me!

You're not thinking of marrying him, are ya? Please don't!

Why are you so immune to him? He's a big hairy ride.

Yeah, hairy all right. I thought he was knitted.

(LAUGHING) Hey!

TARA: Here come Captain Blue Planet now.

- Hey. - Hey! How are you, babe?

(PHONE RINGING)

(GAMAL MUTTERS)

Ah!

You know that's the third accident you've had since you got here.

Trimming hedges at your age?

Gonna have to start bubble-wrapping you soon, just so you know.

- (GAMAL TUTTING) - Dymphna, where are you?

That's so gross, you know that?

What?

Ruby don't mind.

She does shit herself and sit in it, though, so...

Not the best ambassador for car etiquette, is she?

- (RUBY GRIZZLES) - Sorry, Ruby.

Come here, Bear. What's your real name?

It's... It's Bear.

What were you christened?

- I'm Bear, Tara. - He's Bear.

Yeah, but is Bear your first name or your second name?

Or is that like Cher?

Uh... Lina, Madiba and I had the most magical walk here.

LINA: His dog.

- Really, babe? - Yeah, yeah.

No, the universe was guiding us, man.

A being just being with another being.

Just being.

So humbling.

- I love how much you care. - TARA: Yeah.

You're like a Care Bear.

So...

- Your dog? - Oh, no, no. Madiba's not my dog.

We're just travellers in the same direction, you know?

- Yeah. - Talking of journeys, babe.

Shall we? Sorry, T.

But I must steal this beautiful Arabian flame off you,

and fan her, to make some magic with me.

He means we're going to college.

Why didn't he fucking say that, then?

Madiba!

Madiba, brother!

Madiba's what the locals in South Africa call Nelson Mandela.

- Bear is so... - White.

Like very.

SAM: I'm gonna check on Dymphna. Her car's right there.

Get rid of that smell.

- (LONG WET FART) - (LAUGHING) Oh, Ruby!

He is not gonna like that at all.

- (RUBY CRYING) - Oh, dear. I'm sorry, my dear...

(DOORBELL)

(DOORBELL)

- Sammie. - Dymphna, what is going on?

I am not feeling well, Sammie.

- Open the door. - No, no.

Really, it's probably a bug, bad stomach.

I don't think today is gonna happen for me.

Really, Dymphna? You have to come, please.

Cormac got the headstone and everything. He's missing you. He's acting weird.

He fucking told me to tell you he's moving to China, or some nonsense.

- Open the door. Is something wrong? - No.

No, but I'm definitely not able for Cormac's shite today.

I just don't want you catching it, or the girls.

- Well, we can all go another day. - No, no.

Don't postpone it. I will go when I'm feeling better.

Sam, please, tell everybody I am so sorry, but I am going back to bed.

Thanks, Sammie. Slan!

Slan?

(CHATTER)

(UNCLEAR)

Were they there?

- Where? - Spirit, on Friday.

Um... probably. Everyone was there, but I don't know.

I never make eye contact with a girl for more than two seconds.

I don't want them thinking I'm some sort of player.

Shut up, Mark. Your mum dropped you off in a minivan.

I think your reputation's safe.

- YOUSSEF: Yeah, it was so good. - (GIRLS LAUGH)

Did Youssef, you know, spend a lot of time with... anyone in particular?

Sure, let me just check my footage(!) I don't know, Layla!

It was a disco. I spent most of the night trying not to get beaten up.

You could have gone, then you'd be able to spy on Youssef yourself.

We're doing my mum's grave today.

I've more important things on my mind than what I'm wearing to a stupid disco.

Why would you need to be worried about what to wear?

- You're always pretty anyways. - Shut up, Mark.

You missed Spirit, Layla.

Pretty sick, wasn't it, brah?

Yeah, brah. It... slapped?

Yeah, I know, I was gutted. Did you have fun?

Yeah, it was grand. Better fun if you were there.

- Please come next time. - Maybe.

Astonishing. You didn't tell him to shut up once!

Shut up, Mark!

- I don't know, three euro? - Why do you lie to me?

Hm? To your uncle!

Tara, how much is this... cake, isn't it?

- 4.90. Do you want one? - No.

4.90.

I didn't realise that

my nephew, Mr Big Spender, King of Jordan, wants to speak to poor little old me.

- Thought you were here to help, not this. - What's "this"?

Stress. You stressing me.

Can't even cope with inflation.

The fucking bun is five euro. What do you want me to do?

What do you want me to do?

(GRIZZLES)

- Ta-da! - Fuck me!

That's why you have no money, and I have four euro 90.

Forget it, here.

I got you something.

Ta-da! It's a personal alarm.

I know you don't want to wear it,

but you're wearing it - you're concussed.

Nah.

It's fuss. I don't need this.

- I'm not burden. - You're not a burden.

But you are a little bit clumsy and I don't have time to worry about you.

I'm already stretched with Ruby, Nancy, the girls.

Whatever the fuck is going on with Cormac and Dymphna.

Tracy.

Hey.

Sammie.

Hey. Enough now.

I'm here to help you, Sammie.

I know what you're going through. I lost people I love, too.

Sharif was my son, Sammie.

- I know. - My son.

I'm sorry.

It's normal when people you love so much for so long time...

...leave you too early.

Because part of you is waiting for them to come back.

They never come back. Sharif's not coming back.

Tracy is not coming back, Sammie.

Keep the memories and let everything else go.

Stop feeling alone.

What will I feel if I don't feel alone?

Lonely.

No lunch?

- Not really hungry, thank you. - What's this?

- My mummy used to do hands with me. - Hands?

Hands, you know, you go like this.

It's so I know I'm growing up to be a big girl.

- That's a lovely memory. - Yeah.

I hope I don't... Do you ever forget memories?

- Like even the really nice ones? - No.

Talking to friends and family helps, reminds us of them.

Yeah, but everyone's too busy in my house.

Well, with your new baby sister, it probably feels like everyone's...

Ruby? Ruby's not my sister. We're cousins.

I thought I saw your dad's girlfriend dropping the baby off.

No, no. That's my Uncle Zein's girlfriend. Well... ex.

- So, she doesn't live with you? - No, she's crazy. I like her.

My dad doesn't have a girlfriend. Our "Uncle Cormac" lives with us.

Uncle Cormac lives with you and your dad and your sisters?

Yeah, he sleeps with Bawbaw in his bed. They fight a lot.

Right.

You're very pretty.

- Thank you, Nancy. - Do you have a boyfriend?

CORMAC: I swear that's not what I... Please, be positive.

I am positive. I am positive he's going to bury you right next to her.

Yeah.

- Move over, you're touching me. - You're touching ME.

- Shut up! - You shut up. Bawbaw.

Stop. Layla, get off your phone.

- She's touching me. - Stop touching her.

- BEAR: How are you? - LINA: I'm good. How are you?

I don't see why he couldn't come.

- Looked pretty close. - Hm?

He's got pretty clothes!

If acting doesn't work, he should definitely get into fashion. Big time.

OK, belts on?

- LINA: Is that a...? - LAYLA: A pint of Guinness?

- Yes, it is. - CORMAC: I don't see that.

NANCY: Did Mummy love Guinness?

- CORMAC: It's not a pint of Guinness? - LINA: Why is there a harp on it?

CORMAC: I swear, Sammie, I said "heart", not "harp".

Bloody foreigners, no offence.

- Hey! - Cormac!

All I'm saying is he had difficulties with the English language.

Wait till Dymphna sees it. Whoa!

What time's that flight to China? Huh?

- Let's just remember why we're all here. - Yeah.

- To remember the woman we all love. - Exactly.

Trashy Amin.

Trashy Amin? Really?!

Take her.

I'll fix it, Sammie, I promise.

I'm sorry.

I had one feckin' job and I couldn't even...

You think you're making a balls of everything?

No pun intended.

SAM: Relax, she'd have liked it.

Really, she'd have laughed.

- Cormac... - Love you too, pal.

- Yeah. I think your tit is leaking on me. - Oh, bollocks.

No, I'm pretty sure it's your tit.

Oh, look.

Look at that.

No way?

- Sammie. - I didn't...

- I didn't think you'd... - Think I'd come?

- How are you holding up? - Yeah, you know.

ZEIN: Huh. Fancy a pint?

Way too soon.

I take it you want to be alone for a second?

No. I don't want to be alone.

Want to do hands with me, Uncle Zein?

That's so weird! I was just about to ask ya.

Wow!

ZEIN: Massive! (LAUGHS) Come on, let's go.

Zein.

(UNCLEAR)

(THUD)

NANCY: Bawbaw, are you tucking me in? I'm waiting.

And that's why stegosauruses are the best.

Sleep.

I'm gonna ask Santa for a friend for you.

Nancy, I don't want a girlfriend. I've enough women in my life, thank you.

No, silly, a friend. Like me and Lily.

That's very sweet.

Thank you.

- Sleep. - Maybe I'll ask for a blonde one.

Sleep!