Original subtitles

Tracy!

Mummy had an accident. She's gone.

Oh, Ruby.

Tracy. Her name's Tracy.

It's called... Islam Dunk, about two Muslim brothers

who love basketball and become drug dealers.

Hello! Remember me?

- Zu. - Zu.

- Is Zein here? - No.

It's kind of important.

I am going to call her Ruby.

- (DOOR HANDLE RATTLING) - NANCY: Bawbaw.

- The door's locked. - I'm on the toilet.

(KNOCKING)

Bawbaw, I need my brush.

- Go away, I'm on the toilet. - Please! I'm late for work.

- I don't care! I'm on the toilet. - (PHONE RINGING)

MO: 'Sammie, can you see me?'

Hey, Bawbaw, can I call you back? I'm on the toilet.

'Big deal, I'm on the toilet, too!'

Well, can we not do this now? I'll call you back.

'No, no, no, no.

'I've got good news and bad news.

'It's looking like I won't be coming back to Ireland for a while.'

- Well, what's the bad news? - 'Shut up!

'The good news is Uncle Gamal...'

- He's not fucking coming here. - 'Yes, he fucking is!

'You've no job, no money. You even had to move house.

'But Uncle Gamal will help you!

'He's family and he loves you and the girls.

'And he's... in my house anyway.'

I don't need it. What do you mean he's in your house?

'He arrived last night to Dublin. Sammie, relax.

'What with your face? Are you peeing?

- 'Only women sit on toilet to pee!' - (KNOCK ON DOOR)

Bawbaw, there's no toilet paper in the upstairs bathroom, will you give me some?

MO: 'Sammie!

'Sammie?'

- Can I get a capybara? - I don't know what that is.

Put on your shoes and, please, lose the hat. Go, go, go!

- A capybara's an animal. Boomer! - LINA: Painkillers, please.

- You were on good form last night. - Was I?

No! No, you weren't.

You were passed out on the floor like a sailor and you broke the bathroom door.

(SIGHS) Bawbaw, please can you call in sick for me at work?

- I'm dying. - No.

- (DOORBELL) - That's Mark. Someone get that.

- Where's my other shoe, Bawbaw? - Get the door!

SAM: Get the door! OK, look...

- It's not on, Lina. It's unacceptable. - (FRONT DOOR OPENS)

- Assalamu alaykum, Amins. - Ah, great, it's Harry-no-Styles!

- Alaykum assalam, Mark. And ignore her. - Hey, Mark.

Oh, you've got your ear pierced.

It's just another clip-on. My mum made it for me.

Just testing it out before I go under the knife.

"Under the knife"? Make him go away.

Can I get a capybara, please?

Oh, that's illegal. They're friendly, but don't make very good pets.

They live in South America and get depressed when they're taken away

- from their natural environment. - Aw, that answers that.

You don't want to depress the poor little South American rat thing.

- Follow me. Come on! - (DOORBELL)

Let's go, let's go.

Oh, hey, Zu. Er...

- (BABY GRIZZLES) - Get in.

- I'm sorry, we're running so late here. - No problems. Me too. Hold.

- Oh, hey you. - OK, so, see you in three days.

I put this for today in your bag

and the rest of the milk, I'll put in freezer.

- What... What are you talking about? - I'll be back in three days.

Sam, I fucking telling him I was going back to work today.

- I warned him. - Zein?

No, the holy spirit who impregnated me(!)

- Yes, Zein. Dog. - Zu, whoa, whoa. Just stop, OK?

I... I love her, but I can't take Ruby for three days, OK?

- I've got my own kids. - Mm-hm. Well, OK.

We work better days next month.

- Shoo. - Next month?

No, no, wait. Stop, stop, stop.

I'm way too busy today. Nancy's starting flipping Third Class.

I've got a job interview, so I would take Ruby, but I can't.

I can't... I'm sorry, I won't.

Say "capybara".

- NANCY: "Capybara..." - Come on, Zein. Come on!

- (PHONE BEEPS) - NANCY: You're so cute.

Can't believe Ruby's going to live with us, Bawbaw.

I know, right?

- It's unbelievable. - 'This is Zein. You know what to do.'

Zein, Zu's dumped Ruby on me and I've got a job interview later. Call me!

- Take that off. Ms Sink warned you. - No.

- What do you mean "no"? Take it off. - Good morning.

Hi, hello. Hi.

Um... Sorry, we're very late and I'm looking for Ms Sink's class, 3B.

Yes, I'm Miss Malone. I'm taking over from Ms Sink while she's on sabbatical.

- Sabbatical? - Yeah, she got married.

Seriously?

- Yeah, she got married. - But how...?

- I mean, to who? - Well, I wouldn't know him.

- Him? Really? - No big deal but hi, I'm Nancy.

- Hi, Nancy. - Sorry, I meant to ask...

Hypothetically, if you, er...

If you had a student who maybe thought they were, like, I don't know,

an elf, maybe..., would that be an issue?

- Hypothetically? - Nancy, come here, pet.

How many of you children are Christmas elves?

CHILDREN: Me! Me!

- CHILD: Me! - Take your coat off.

It's not that that concerns me, it's the one shoe.

- I'll drop that in so. - OK.

Thanks, Miss Malone.

I'm going to text Sharon. I'm so sick!

I wouldn't text her, she hates that. Call her.

(GROANS)

'Hi, this is Sharon. I can't get to the phone.

'Leave your name and number after the tone.'

- (BEEP) - (WEAKLY) Hi, Sharon, it's Lina...

(PHONE RINGING)

Shit!

Answer.

- (WEAKLY) Hello? - (SNIGGERS)

Oh, hi, Sharon. I think I have food poisoning.

Yeah.

I'm so sorry. Thank you.

Bye.

- (LAUGHING) - Piss off!

Oh, my heart.

TARA: At least Sharon was cool.

Not Larry, the Womb Raider!

He's such a dick!

Tomb Raider, you dope! Not Womb Raider.

His name is Larry Croft, that's why they call him...

No, you, you thick! They call him the Womb Raider

because his name's Larry Croft and he's got a big willy!

Sure, he slept with Yvonne! Or remember Maria?

Where? How? He works with his wife, for God's sake.

Sharon hasn't a clue.

He shags them all down in the cellar because she's afraid of spiders.

- She should be afraid of daddy long-leg! - (LAUGHS)

BOTH: What a dick!

(BEEP) 'Message saved.'

- I can't lose my job, Lina! - Well, I can't go in now.

What am I supposed to do?

Wait, Sharon's PIN on everything is 5050. Just go in, grab her phone and delete it.

Trust me!

- Go! Go! - (SCREAMS)

Uncle, come on. You've got water everywhere.

- Please don't slip. - I have to have a yellow sticker.

If you even come one hour later, everything is gone.

All the bloody hipsters take everything! (LOUDLY) Ah! Looky, looky!

Lamb stir-fry, Euro 1.27.

- One... Ow! 1.27! - (WHISPERS) Please stop shouting.

(LOUDLY) What are you saying? I can't hear you. My ear are blocked!

- Stop shouting. Stop shouting! - (RUBY GRIZZLING)

You are so tight, my dear. You are so tight!

Come on, relax, relax, habibi.

Look, we're very impressed with your bargain beef stroganoff,

but what are we going to do about her?

- Huh? - Sammie, Allah says family is gift.

You have to protect and cherish each and every one of them.

When is your brother gonna marry this girl, anyway,

- and give us a day out? - Never!

Why are all men in our family cursed?

What does God want from us? A wing of bird?

He's got two there, if he eats them before the weekend.

- Sammie Amin I'm here to help you. - Zein. Zein is the one who needs help.

Why am I the one walking round with a bag full of Croatian breast milk, huh?

Well, he's working.

He's only doing that shitty play so he won't be here to take care of his child.

I am pitching today.

- I am this close to selling my script. - Habibi.

- You want to help? - Of course.

OK, collect Nancy at three and keep an eye on this one later.

- Nancy at three and this one later. - I've got to go.

Ma'a al-salama, habibi. (EXCHANGE GOODBYES IN ARABIC)

- Ma'a al-salama. - Take care. Ma'a al-salama, habibi.

- Sorry. - Thank you.

(GAMAL LAUGHING)

Everything is gone! No munchies for you today.

(SPEAKING IN ARABIC)

Ma'a al-salama, ma'a al-salama, ma'a al-salama. (LAUGHS) Bloody hipster!

- (GROANING) - Are you OK?

- Let me help you up. - It's OK, thank you. Thank you very much.

Somebody make a mess here.

It's very dangerous actually. Maybe you clean it up. Thank you.

CORMAC: "Paronychia", yeah, that's got to be it.

That's very sore. Very.

Quit biting your nails, ya eejit!

Big baby.

I was in the shops and... it dawned on me.

- I'm sorry, son, but... - You forgot my fish fingers.

Again. Like how? I text you and everything.

Why would I ask you to meet me here urgently

- to tell you I forgot your fish fingers? - The guilt.

I got your feckin' fish fingers.

I think you should move out, Cormac.

Since you and Sinead... Well, love, you're 42. 42!

- OK, I'll stop eating them, then. - Forget the fish fingers!

You need to move out.

Live! Sitting there gawking at me! You need to start your own life.

OK, well, that's big because you just sit there day and night reading RIP.ie.

Well, sadly, that is all that's left for me, watching everyone I know die.

You came home after Sinead.

You won't stop talking about Sinead today!

Because it was 12 years ago.

Son, try something new.

Have a fling, or go on holiday.

All you ever talk about is Everton and being an accountant.

Sorry, what was that?

- Who is that? - It's no one.

- Does he know you're a single mother? - Forget Stephen.

- Stephen? - Stop changing the subject.

It is weird, sitting at home with your mammy like a child.

I'm not a child, I'm a man. I'm a money man, I'm an accountant.

But I'll quit.

And I'll leave.

And I'll go far away.

Child? I'll show you!

- What can I get you? - Just a strawberry milkshake, please.

- To go. - Whipped cream and sprinkles?

- Aw, Bawbaw's great. - Shut up, Mark, or I'll choke you!

OK. Oh, yeah, then...

Mr Miyagi says, "Close your eyes, Daniel son."

Mark, I'm never watching Karate Kid.

- But it's brilliant! - Never. Ever.

Hey, Layla. Loved your essay, Marky. Congrats on coming out.

- Good on ya. - Thanks.

I had to come out. It was double English.

I think Lewis is saying you're gay.

I don't think he is.

I think he might have thought your story of a house

with a locked door you were scared to open was like a metaphor, maybe?

Hi, I'm Youssef, by the way.

- Hey, I'm Layla. - She's Muslim.

I see that. Me too. And you're...?

He's Mark, and B12 deficient, hence his slow brain activity.

The gum! Please, Tara.

Sorry, Sharon.

Watch here quickly. Need a pee.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hand me that, would you, Tara?

James, you prick, where's my fucking salmon?

Fuck my life, Lina! I can't get at it!

It's always at the till, but she's glued to the front desk.

She's a bladder like a camel.

You need to come down here and help me distract her so I can grab it. Like now.

I'll light a candle for you.

SAM: Where's your sock, Ruby?

How can you lose one sock?

How can I be angry at you?

I couldn't. Do you want some of Mummy's milk?

Yum-yum, I'll get it from my bag for you.

Yeah!

CORMAC: Ask me, pal, go on.

Why do you insist on using the back door?

Not about that. Ask me about my suitca... Never mind.

I'm homeless, Sammie, abandoned! Homeless.

- What are you on about now? - Ma, she's kicked me out, just like that.

Think she's got a fella, I'm sure of it. Why is Ruby here?

- Because my brother's a piece of... - Relax, pal, relax.

Look, why don't I put my bag away and make us a nice cup of tea?

- Come again? - I'm homeless, where else am I going?

- There's no room for you here. - You've got a nice double bed.

- You're not staying in my bed. - I'll pay rent, I'll help you.

Why does everyone keep saying that to me?

You need the money. I'm independently wealthy.

It'd be like Indecent Proposal, only decent.

- (RUBY GURGLES) - What the fuck are you talking about?

I'm not sleeping with a man in my bed, OK?

- You sound a little homophobic, Sammie. - NANCY: We're home!

You Arabs don't have the best reputation with the gays so, you know,

- break the cycle, pal. - SAM: You're not staying here.

I'm already looking after one baby. And what are you doing?

What do you mean? I can't hear anything and olive oil helps me loosen it.

Are you going on holiday?

Kinda. I'm... moving in!

- Yay! Do you want to get a capybara? - Oh, yeah.

- Definitely. I'll make a call. - It's a good idea that he's moving in.

He can help us with the rent.

Take my olive oil out of your ear!

He's not moving in. He's not moving in.

No one else is moving in, actually.

I'm going out.

Feed her in 30 minutes, right?

Oh, no one call me.

No one!

- No! - No.

(TOY SQUEAKS)

No, you're the drama student, OK?

You make the distraction and I'll grab the phone.

OK, whatever, I'll make the distraction, but just make it fast.

- We won't have long. - You'd better not be buying drugs.

Lina, Christ!

- You look awful. - No...

I'm much better, and the show must go on. I'll get my apron.

(SNIFFING)

- (PHONE RINGING) - Oh, please, if you, um...

- That's fine. So sorry. Please go on. - OK.

I've got you all to myself.

To answer your question, and if I'm being a hundred percent honest...

my only concern is whether you can commit to all the rewrites

and the demands of a major streamer - it really can be...

I can, Chloe. Really, I can.

I would love the exposure of working with a producer like you.

Oh, God, I always make bad decisions when it comes to older men.

So, get the fuck over here, you!

But to be serious, I would like to bring you on board with Grand Pictures,

put you across a few different projects.

Just let's get to know each other. Let's see how you work.

- That's great. - Oh, great.

And then Islam Dunk?

I mean, it's good, but it still does need work, Sam,

and I am worried that you won't be able to finish what we both start, you know.

You've got such a huge family and you're a single dad.

They're fine, really. They're no bother.

- Hm... - (KNOCKING)

- Do you know them? - No.

Must be refugees.

It's a global problem, really. It's not even an Irish thing any more. It's so sad.

- I wouldn't look at them. - (KNOCKING)

Oh, my God! That old one has a baby.

- Looks like he needs food or something. - No, they don't.

- So, when would I start? - Well, whenever you're ready.

So, maybe...

- (RUBY CRYING) - GAMAL: Sammie!

Sammie.

I think that one knows you.

I'm sorry, elderly homeless foreign man, I'm in a very important meeting right now.

- Where's the milk of the titty? - Milk of the titty?

Milk of the titty. Really?!

- Where's the milk of the titty? - Stop saying titty. Stop!

- Stop! - OK.

- Give me her. - Here's the baby.

- There was milk in the... - Sorry.

There was milk in the freezer.

- Imshi! - OK, yes.

LINA: It's not good enough! Let's see what everyone thinks.

- SHARON: Lina, stop, please! - Ask them, Sharon.

SHARON: Excuse me, everyone.

1.1 million tonnes of food waste in this country every year.

So many people would be grateful for leftovers from this restaurant.

- We donate leftovers every night, Lina. - LINA: But do we?

Mentally, what are we leaving on the table?

(MURMURS OF AGREEMENT)

It's hard for me to admit, but my family lived on leftovers from places like this

for so long after my mum died.

- (GAMAL AND CORMAC VOICE AGREEMENT) - Hi, Bawbaw.

- Hi. - So... thank you, everyone.

And thank you, Sharon, for everything you do for my family and families like mine.

GAMAL/CORMAC: Inshallah!

Alhamdulillah! Inshallah!

- So, any questions for me? - Not right now.

CORMAC: Miguel! Miguel, amigo. I'm ringing about what we talked about earlier.

No, no, no.

Two months? It's for my niece, pal.

Come on, Miguel. Are you Mexi-can or are you Mexi-can't?

- I'm getting a capybara sorted for Nancy. - No, you're not. Tell me you're joking.

- Tell him "no". - Actually, do you know what, Miguel?

Leave it.

"Vanilla Isis" here is having a freak-out.

Yeah, yeah. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Laters, amigo.

Are you all right?

You're actually asking some Mexican lad called Miguel

to smuggle your niece an illegal animal?

Well, that's not even his real name. I don't even know what his name is.

I don't even think he's Mexican. I think he's Peruvian, from Peru.

- Or one of them ones down there. - Wow. Sure it's all the same, right(!)

Cormac, move.

(BEEP)

'Bluetooth connected.'

(KEYBOARD TYPING)

What's that noise?

- Sam? Sam? - (TYPING CONTINUING)

- Sam? - It's typing ASMR, OK?

Like the sound of someone typing?

That's very nerdy, Sam, and I'm an accountant.

I know you're an accountant! That's all you say. "I'm an accountant!"

- (TYPING CONTINUING) - CORMAC: Wow.

Tracy used to work in bed.

She'd be tap-tap-tapping away. It used to drive me batshit.

It's weird what you miss.

Is this it for me, Cormac?

Alone with you there, spooning me?

CORMAC: You'll meet someone soon, pal. Trust me, Cupid's got his eye on you.

- I just feel... - (SNORING)

(TYPING CONTINUING)

(SNORING)