Original subtitles

Anyone watching, thinking we know fuck all about knowing fuck all about owt

needs to watch their back.

So you've had your Labour, reclassifying skunk, sending prices sky-high,

literally...literally taking the grass from its own roots.

Now you've got your ConDemNation,

Liberals noshing Tories like altar boys picking dimps up!

Have we had a national fucking stroke or what?

Is "revolution" a word or was it never?

Anybody watching needs to know,

we cope better than average with irony in Chatsworth.

Well, for fuck's sake, we live in Manchester, and they charge us for water!

I wandered lonely as a clown, necking mushrooms rarely found.

This green and pleasant land in ancient times.

Yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak!

It's not theirs any more.

This is our England now.

Pa-a-a-arty!

JAMIE: As far back as I can remember, I never wanted to be a gangster.

But what chance when you're born into a family like mine?

And once you're in that world, image becomes everything.

But how long should you carry that image with you?

How much does it count as time hurtles on?

Even for you straight-goers, I bet it was important

being seen as one of the toughest or coolest kids in the school.

Does that matter five, ten, 20 years on,

driving your white van or your company car,

fantasising about getting a grip of the secretary at the work's do?

But in my world, it's harder to shake.

What's it going to take to realise that image can mean fuck all?

(HORROR SOUNDTRACK PLAYING)

(WOMAN SCREAMS AND SOBS)

Sequels are never as good.

I thought the first one was shit. What time's your mum back?

Half hour yet.

We'd better get a move on, then.

What's all this about?

(BANGING ON DOOR)

Stop it.

(DISTORTED VOICE) Aidan.

Aidan?

Aidan!

- Aidan! - (SIREN BLARING)

What's wrong with you? You've been late every day this week.

I'll see you there.

You're losing it.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

The cheeky little bag-head's swerving again.

Name me a junkie that doesn't try it on.

Laters, Slash.

Leave it out, you tramp!

- Urgh! - Pay up, or else

those needles'll be going into places they really shouldn't.

(CONTINUOUS TONE)

- Who's that? - Stuart the window cleaner.

Window licker. Always pleading poverty.

He needs a visit.

Er...why can't Knobhead go?

Who are you calling Knobhead?

- Cos you've got more of a presence. - No, he hasn't!

Oh, come on, baby. Why do you think we never send you out on your own?

Where's he live?

(# THE STRANGE BOYS: Be Brave)

# I walk away

# From everyone I knew

# I looked around and thought

# This must be what it's like to be alone... #

Try and make it last longer. Supply's getting low.

Thanks. See you in a bit.

Since when does a copy of Manchester Mail cost 40 quid?

Nah, they were settling their mum's bill.

We had an agreement, Ches.

If you serve weed...you come to us.

It's not weed.

Well, it's funny looking Bugle.

It's not normal weed.

What is it?

My cousin sent a sampler.

- Some herbal shit. - Is it legal?

Until the Government hear about people having a good time.

- What do you do? Smoke it? - Yeah.

Pipe, bong, bake in a cake. Birds love it.

Yeah?

My Nena's well into that earthy shit, you know, hairy armpits,

doesn't shave her legs, fuck-off, full-on hairy growler.

I love it.

Oh, Shane, leave it out. Well, that's all that's left.

Well, you're lucky I won't have to tell our Jamie.

You'd be taxed a lot more than this.

I'm not gonna get in trouble over you.

Is Miss Heaton back yet?

She'll be back in next week. Driving us mad with her shit poems.

Do you think we should hand ourselves in?

- To who? - The police.

- You right in the head? - They might go easy on us.

- For what? I did nothing. - Exactly.

So, why haven't they been yet? She knows who we are.

Makes you wonder.

- About what? - Maybe Frasier was right.

- About what? - Maybe she wanted it.

Miss Sporritt asked where you were.

Look, if you don't get a grip, they'll send you to another school.

Least of my worries.

Fancy the Trafford Centre?

Come on, then.

Who's this little honey?

- Hello. - Ew!

You go. I'll catch you later.

- You're gonna stay with these jokers? - For a bit. It's all right.

A little mouse tells me you're behaving irrationally.

The police?

You know I wouldn't.

Cos I'll find you and I'll kill you.

I wouldn't.

Living with one of the fuckers must be messing with your napper.

Must be.

She hasn't reported anything. Agreed?

So, how have we done anything wrong, then?

Mm?

That's my boy, Aidan, back on track.

Too right, the dirty bitch wanted it.

Just like that little split-arse you were sat with.

She's all right.

Well, tell her to bring some mates and meet us in the park.

She won't want to.

Come on, Aidan, share the wealth.

Olly hanging out of the back of her, while she sucks me off.

Come on.

You little bastard!

You'd better be on your toes. I'll find you.

Do it good, then, cos I'll cut you up proper next time!

You all right?

(GRUNTS)

(CACKLES) Aw!

Thought you were at work.

Anyone'd think you want me on my back all day.

Hey, it's a gender thing. Women are from Venus, men are...arseholes.

Thought you were a wanted man this side of Manchester.

- And everywhere else. - (CHUCKLES)

Hey, look at this, look at this, eh? Look at that!

Life's certainly looking after you, eh?

- I can still bench-press 200 pounds. - So can my sister.

I can believe that. I've met your sister.

Still got the gab, eh? Nice one!

- Good to see you. - And you.

- Drink? - Yeah.

(DANCE MUSIC)

(DANCE MUSIC)

Satan!

- (DOG BARKING) - Get rid of the dog.

- So you can do me in? - Not if you pay up.

(DOG BARKING)

Behave.

- It's been slow. - Stop lying.

You've served enough bag-heads to remake Dawn Of The Dead.

- (DOG BARKING) - Leave!

- Where's your Shane? - Exactly.

He's the horrible one.

You can trust me.

(DOG GROWLS AND BARKS)

Just put the dog outside,

and then we can work on a new repayment plan.

(DOG GROWLING)

(DOG GROWLS AND BARKS)

It's for the best.

- Aah! - (DOG BARKING)

"Where's your Shane?" What you trying to say?

(DOG BARKS)

(DOG BARKS)

WOMAN: Stuart! Stuart, they're getting worse!

(DOG BARKS)

(BARKING)

(DOG WHINES)

- (DOG BARKING) - Aaagh!

- (DOG SNARLING) - Get off me, you filthy bastard!

- (MICKY GROANS) - (DOG BARKS)

Fuck off!

- Are you the ambulance? - I need one!

- (DOG BARKING) - Where's Stuart? Stuart!

Hang on.

- He's, er...he's just popped out. - (DOG BARKING)

Aargh!

Stomach cramps?

I'm having a baby!

We should have gone hours ago!

I need to get to hospital!

Now!

Aargh!

(DOG BARKING)

Please, call an ambulance!

Do something! Oh!

Hello! Someone?

- (DOG BARKING) - I'm scared.

Just don't worry.

Aaaaargh!

There's your cards, yeah? Stick 'em in there, anywhere you like.

If he worked South Manchester, he might know our Gaz.

He's a proper copper.

Put people in big jail,

not on Fraggle Rock with all the other nonces.

Gaz is an armed robber.

- Yeah, if you say so. - He fucking is!

- What's with Derren Brown? - Some piece of bacon.

Arseholes.

Old mate of Jamie's, a copper.

Jamie don't have mates in the force.

Evening, Officer!

Carl Gallagher. How do you know?

This nose can smell pork a mile off, son.

Where do you work out of?

Run along, son. No questions.

The big boys are playing down this end.

Carl's all right. He's a mate.

What do your superiors think of that...son?

Hey, remember this one?

- Hey. - Ah.

I hope this little fella won't follow in his father's footsteps.

- Never. - Jamie's doing all right now.

Always knew he had more about him.

Hardworking. Surrounded by a loving family. That's what it's all about.

I've seen good men waste chunks of their lives inside.

I'm glad that hasn't happened to your boy.

I have an appointment.

- Listen, mate... - This isn't the time.

I'll be back.

Very nice to have met you all!

He promised he wouldn't touch any, not today.

- Smackhead by name... - He hates me going back to college.

But I won't let him keep me down any more.

- (DOG BARKING) - Stuart? It's coming!

(DOOR SLAMS)

The fucking bastard!

We'll be able to get an ambulance.

- (BARKING) - The scumbag's left the dog!

Hasn't fed him either, by the sound.

Will the b-baby be a smackhead?

- I stopped straight away. - (DOG BARKING)

The doctor's gone on about the weight,

but eating's got to be better than injecting?

If you're pregnant, you know, you can get away with it.

Have you been taking folic acid?

Daily, high strength, and soluble aspirin to thin my blood.

Your size, you know, that won't be a bad thing.

Oh.

I used to write.

- Oh, course you did. - Yeah.

Short stories, and they got published...

online.

So, why are you bullying people to pay debts?

Writing can get lonely.

So, read to me.

And transport your mind?

It'll help forget the pain.

Nah, it's nowt, really.

- It's just little... - (GROANS)

Be strong, girl, yeah?

You're bang on track.

Oh! Read!

(GROANING)

- Chapter one, I am born. - (GASPS)

Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life...

Are you OK?

I think men should have to wear heels.

Proper seven-inch, fuck-me stilettos,

just for a day.

Are you going to tell me?

Five years ago, when you and I were just about to marry...

...you were having second thoughts.

JAMIE: I murdered all three of them. I'm not proud of that, by any means,

but they deserved it and I'll do it again under the same circumstances.

It wasn't the clean job I'd hoped.

Brooksy made some evidence disappear.

Why?

Him and my dad came to an arrangement.

How much?

Brooksy has two houses in Spain and one in Portugal that I know of.

And who knows about this?

My dad, me and now you.

(SIGHS)

Maybe he's just checking up.

No. He doesn't make social calls.

That's my boy!

Ooh, yeah!

AIDAN: Don't do it! No! No!

- Oh, go on, Slappy! - AIDAN: No!

(SHE SQUEALS)

AIDAN: No! No!

Oh, for fuck's sake!

AIDAN: No!

- It's your turn. - Already?

AIDAN: No!

Your turn to soothe Sleeping Beauty!

AIDAN: Oh!

No, no! No.

Aidan.

- It's OK. Aidan. - No!

Mum?

Slag! Oh, Aidan.

Aidan, it's all right. It's OK, it's OK, it's OK.

- Where am I? - Hey, you're at home.

It's all right. Hey, it's gonna be all right.

All right.

- (GROANS) - I cry, like, ten times an episode.

- The Hills? - No.

One Born Every Minute. Keep up.

It's hard to concentrate.

That fat white bird who had the Chinese twins,

wore the deep-vein stockings, oh!

I'm going to take care of myself after this.

- Your baby needs you to. - It's embarrassing.

25 five years old and nothing to show for it.

But you will have soon.

Anyone can have kids.

MICKY: No, they can't.

Your little one will be like the biggest achievement of all.

Have you got kids?

One day. Do you know what you're having?

She's a girl, Jasmine.

Nice...

like the rice.

- I'm getting up. - You gotta go to school, mate.

- Do you wanna talk about it? - I can't.

You'd be surprised.

Poof! Sorry.

- Does Kelly like her job? - Kelly?

Er...she likes her independence.

Mainly works when she chooses.

Dirty bitch!

Wonder if my mum liked it.

Come on. You wanna piss me, do ya?

- (CROWD SHOUTING ENCOURAGEMENT) - Go on, Jackson!

- Come on! - Go on!

That the best you've got?

Go on, Jackson!

No performance-enhancing substances.

- Fucking drug tester, here! - Going back!

- Come on! - Come on!

Oh, hello, darling!

Ooh!

Yes!

Get in, Jackson!

Do you want to go again, double it? Double it! Double it!

That's a lot of money for us at the minute,

so I think quit while we're ahead.

She's right, mate. I'm not earning.

Better run along, then. Do as wifey says. "Kkkttt!"

Jackson.

- Back so soon, mate? - Who could stay away from this?

You're a very lucky man.

I've got to nip to the cash-and-carry. Do you fancy some air?

Sure, I'll buy you lunch.

- Yeah... - Ah-ah-ah!

Go on.

Stand and do nothing?

(SOBS) Is that all you're good for?

Did you like it?

(SOBS)

You make me sick.

Look, I promise I'm on it. I'll bell you as soon as something comes through.

You'd better do.

You're right, it is a bird thing.

- I need more. - Well, you took it all.

I'm telling you, mate, she gets filthy on the sniff.

You wanna see the stuff she's doing on this shit.

- We will take all your cousin can get. - He's been nicked.

- I thought you said it was legal. - It is.

So, let's get to Bradford. Someone'll know his supplier.

He's in Pakistan.

Fuck.

I think I can source something over here.

- The same gear? - Hopefully.

- Cheers, mate. - Thank you.

The slop in jail was better than this.

Just be happy you're not still in there tasting it.

So, what's this about?

- Remember my little girl? - Vaguely.

She's 24 years old now.

- What happened? - Her husband got a bit handy.

Broke her jaw, cheekbone.

- She had to get off, in hiding. - Piece of shit.

Yeah.

Worst thing is, my hands are tied.

I'm under investigation.

I do anything -"See you later."

No pension, no property, maximum security for my own protection,

in with the nonces and the rag-heads.

That'd be the end of me.

I don't like asking.

I kept you on the outside.

We wouldn't want any historical evidence suddenly resurfacing now, would we?

No, we wouldn't.

- How bad do you want him? - All-the-way bad.

You still got it in you?

Yeah.

I'll stay at your place.

If I'm in the Jockey, I've got a pub full of witnesses.

So, where is he?

The one in the black.

- Aaah! Fucking hell! - (DOG BARKING)

Push! Push. Look, the head is right there.

(GROANS)

Push!

The next one. I can tell.

(GROANS)

Almost! Go on, girl.

(WAILS)

Go on...

Go on!

(GROANS)

(WAILS)

- (SOBS) - (BABY MEWLING)

(BABY CRIES)

(BABY GURGLES)

- Say hello to little Jasmine. - Oh!

- (WHISTLES) - (DOG BARKS)

What's happening?

You've got a baby.

- Where's my money? - MICKY: It's my money.

Put the dog away, you can come in.

Keep that lazy junkie out of here.

- It's like that, is it? - (DOG BARKING)

Shove your fucking baby! Satan!

- (DOOR SLAMS) - Isn't she beautiful?

Perfect.

It doesn't matter that she's born into this shit-hole.

That's just physical. That's easy to change.

But her spiritual wellbeing... You with me?

Get your own place.

Keep her sheltered, clean, fed, watered. You know, all the basics.

- (BABY CRIES) - Maybe even get her some nice jewellery.

No piercings, mind.

(BABY GRIZZLES)

But most of all...

- (BABY WHIMPERS) - ...just love her.

With all your heart.

- (BABY WHIMPERS) - She'll feel it.

She'll know, and when she's older, and understands more...

- (BABY WHIMPERS) - ...she'll draw strength from that love.

Your love will empower her.

- (BABY WHIMPERS) - One day, all this will be yours.

(BABY GRIZZLES)

- (BABY WHIMPERS) - Liz?

What's wrong?

- Liz? - (BABY CRIES)

- Help! - (BABY WAILS)

Liz!

Wake up!

(BABY WAILS)

Oh, fuck!

Fuck!

(BABY CRIES)

Oh, no way!

Why aren't you at school?

You look worse than I feel.

How's Mrs Sporritt coping with you lot?

I've not been in.

(SNORTS)

- You haven't told the police? - That's none of your business.

(SPOON CLINKING)

I wish I would have done something.

Tragically, bystander apathy seems endemic in modern society.

Why didn't you report it?

Won't that get you in trouble?

As I thought.

It doesn't matter anyway.

I've burned my clothes.

Scrubbed his spit till my skin was raw.

Scraped his scalp out of my fingernails.

There isn't a trace of his DNA anywhere near me.

I'm sorry.

You should go.

Where the fuck have you been?

Welcome to the jungle! (CHUCKLES)

- What's this for? - Smackhead Stuart.

Ah, baby done good!

Finally grown a pair, then?

Oh, bullying the weak and vulnerable? Piece of piss.

- You got tummyache? - No.

Why do you have to be so suspicious?

Are you going to tell me what's going on?

- Can't I just fancy some cornflakes? - (BABY CRYING)

- Ha-ha. - (CLEARS THROAT)

(BABY WARBLES)

- This is going to be interesting. - Jasmine must be hungry.

- (BABY WARBLES) - Aw!

Leave it out, Lillian.

You know the new rules.

Did he complain?

No drink and drugs at work. I won't have it.

No, he didn't complain.

He made me shove that up his ring-piece once we'd finished,

a nifty manoeuvre that earned us another tenner.

I do not have a liquor licence.

Running a brothel's illegal anyway, you mental bitch!

Who are you calling an illegal? I can't risk it any more.

So, do summat about it.

I am. You're fired.

You're going to sack your best earner?

Tilly took twice as much as you last week.

Do one, you boggle-eyed old twat. Do you think I need you?

Here we go.

(MOUTHS)

Never a good time for me to be chatting with the odd lot, Carl.

Your mate Brooksy's a very unpopular man.

Yeah?

Not just the drugs and the money,

not just bent as fuck, but reckon he fancies himself with a knife.

He's in the frame for cutting up a prostitute in town, 300-and-odd stitches.

Yeah, well, you lot specialise in putting people in the frame.

Doesn't mean he did it.

He did it, mate. His own partner's giving evidence against.

So, do your job and nick him.

He's a dangerous man to have in your pub.

I don't appreciate a veto on who I can serve.

Brooksy's trouble. You've got to cut him loose.

I can't. I just can't.

Some sixth sense told me not to throw these away.

Wythenshawe Park fair, when Connor stuck that candyfloss on her head.

Gave her more hair than she already had.

- Aw! - Knowsley.

Them Scousers let their kids sit on the car roof.

Er...we all did it.

Doesn't make it right.

(BABY CRIES)

She's not going back to that junkie.

Stuart won't hang about in that flat.

Once the bizzies find that dead body, they'll be on the hunt for him.

- (BABY CRIES) - What's stopping you from keeping her?

- Me? - You'd make a great dad.

That's what Liz said.

Might be the only chance you get.

(TUTS) Aw...

Bonfire night, Jockey.

BOTH: Toffee apple!

Aw.

(BABY GRIZZLING)

Brooksy?

Go on.

He wants me to have a word with someone.

- What kind of word? - Just scare them.

So, do it himself. He scares me.

- Who is it? - His son-in-law.

- Another villain? - Straight-goer.

So, now you're bullying civilians?

This guy isn't a nice man. Don't worry about him.

We've been here before. You don't have to do this.

What choice is there?

(SIGHS)

I'll be a witness.

It's barely dawn.

I don't care what happens to me. I'll be a witness.

You get labelled a grass in Chatsworth, you'll be an outcast.

- Grassing on rapists doesn't count. - Oh, ho-ho!

I doubt Frasier Kane will see it that way.

He doesn't scare me.

Oh! Oh, so now you'll stand up to him?

You want to do something for me?

Yeah. Anything.

Right. Start getting up in the morning, shower,

make yourself presentable, go back to school.

He's been asking about my mate, Letitia. What if he does it again?

Well...

...it won't be to me.

Careful, or you'll draw blood.

What's the emergency? Finally realised I'm irresistible?

Another time, Carl. This is important.

Your lot want this Brooksy character, yeah?

I can give him you. But I need something in return.

Brooksy may or may not have historic evidence

from an incident a long time ago.

He may or may not have Jamie over a barrel.

So, what do you want me to do?

I need you to check this guy out.

Here's an address. He wants Jamie to do the bloke real harm.

Oh, shit.

Please, Carl. I'm worried.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Yes?

Hello. Is Aidan in?

And you are?

Sorry. I'm his teacher.

As far as we know, he leaves here, he goes in every day.

We won't be paying any fines.

Please?

- Now? - Now.

Please don't.

Do you want to be a prison widow?

(CHATTER)

Don't do this.

I won't be long, and then it's done.

I'm worried they won't believe me.

Police attitudes have always been a disgrace.

Back in the '70s, every one of us was an IRA suspect.

Muslims don't know they're born.

I say get over yourself. It's a tough old world. Report it and move on.

You do none of us any favours making yourself a victim.

She's a teacher, not a hooker.

By us, I meant women,

but thanks all the same for reminding me of my station.

Oh, I didn't...

I accuse Aidan of standing by, and I know it makes me a hypocrite.

You don't have to explain yourself to us.

I'm not brave.

I'm sorry.

Don't apologise to that little shite.

LETITIA: Aidan?

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

(WHISTLES)

Jesus!

Are you taking the piss?

It's what you smoked.

- Cow shit? - Kanda, Indian cow shit.

But, I mean, how different can our cows' arseholes be?

Are you telling me my bird is a nymphomaniac because of cow shit?

There's loads getting on it over there, cheap as fuck.

- (FLIES BUZZING) - I'm not sure this is dry enough.

This one is.

Think how much of that is out there.

An endless supply.

(GAGGING)

Well, is it anything like the last lot?

Hanging.

Maybe the girls'll still be mad for it?

Chesney?

Nice, but unusual.

Mm.

What are you two doing later?

Well, what are you thinking?

I'm torn between a tuna baguette...

...or being the filling in a Hovis and soda-bread sandwich.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Oh.

That is the best sleep I've had in a long time.

Your fish and chips will get cold.

(DOOR SHUTS)

(PHONE RINGS)

(PHONE RINGING)

What's this about? Please, for fuck's sake, don't.

That's work checking where I am. I'm due on a shift.

I'm under a protection order.

If I don't answer, they'll be all over the shop.

(PHONE RINGING)

Answer it, and behave,

or I'll rip your throat from ear to fucking ear.

Hello? It's for you.

Jamie, he's a police officer.

His name is Philip Ryan.

He's never been married to Brooks's daughter, probably never even met her.

The picture Brooksy showed you

is the prostitute he's being charged with cutting up.

He's trying to make you a cop killer. Jamie?

Say his name, Jamie.

Say it, Jamie.

Philip.

(WHIMPERS)

This is my mate, Carl. He's a cop.

- Policeman. - Pleased to meet you.

I could have the support officer here before we start the ice cream.

Will he get in trouble?

- Depends, but probably. - It's not about me.

No, too right, it's not.

You still want to do this?

Yeah.

And we can do it here?

It's the right thing to do.

OK.

About fucking time.

Thanks.

(INDISTINCT COMMENTARY ON TV)

Summer Scott. 3.30.

Take a price.

About time. Blokes like us, we can sniff a plain 'un a mile away.

Yeah, if they'd flashing blue lights round their neck,

they wouldn't stand out any more.

There's no scream going up about the cunt I asked you to take care of.

I didn't do it.

- Tell me you didn't call them. - Karen.

But you let her?

She's a strong woman, family-minded.

Get in there, Red Army! 10-1!

So, they're just keeping an eye?

As far as I know, yeah.

You know what happens now.

It doesn't have to be like that.

I'm in a corner, kid.

No hard feelings?

No!

Jamie!

Jamie! Jamie!

You two were supposed to protect him!

Jamie!

I'm OK.

We'll meet again, kid! Nothing surer!

Jay, about the other stuff. It's been sorted.

It'll never see the light of day.

You're safe.

- Are you sure? - I'm just the messenger, man.

(WHISPERS) Fucking hell.

- Right. - Mam?

MIMI: Aw!

Uncle Will's house is free till he gets back from noncing in Thailand.

No-one knows you're in Ludlow.

Mam, I've got something...

...I need to tell you.

Ssh!

Keep in touch, Daddio.

(BABY GRIZZLES)

Laters.

# Everybody's talking at me

# I don't hear a word they're saying

# Only the echoes of my mind... #

JAMIE: If you're the real deal, you shouldn't need a front.

The true you shines through regardless.

Fucking let me out!

You can fool some of the people maybe most of the time,

but how often do we see that the bigger the image,

the smaller the person inside?

#...I can't see their faces Only the shadows... #

JAMIE: Fuck the image. Just be yourself.

Be a man. Be free.

#...I'm going where the sun keeps shining... #

(LAUGHS)

#... Through the pouring rain... #

(COW MOOS)

(COWS MOO)

(COW BELLOWS)