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1
00:00:02,326 --> 00:00:06,923
Tickets this way
for the Chatsworth Express!
2
00:00:07,006 --> 00:00:10,477
Come and watch pikeys
making a mess of the lives
3
00:00:10,566 --> 00:00:13,923
they were given by him upstairs
4
00:00:14,006 --> 00:00:18,000
and kids they're convinced
aren't actually theirs.
5
00:00:18,086 --> 00:00:21,045
What sounds on earth
could ever replace
6
00:00:21,126 --> 00:00:24,278
kids needing money
or wives in your face?
7
00:00:24,366 --> 00:00:26,756
Cos this, people reckon,
and me included,
8
00:00:26,846 --> 00:00:30,840
is why pubs and drugs
were kindly invented
9
00:00:30,926 --> 00:00:36,684
to calm us all down
and stop us going mental.
10
00:00:36,766 --> 00:00:40,316
These are Chatsworth Estate's
basic essentials.
11
00:00:40,406 --> 00:00:44,559
We are worth every penny
for grinding your axes.
12
00:00:44,646 --> 00:00:48,720
You shit on our heads,
but you pay the taxes.
13
00:00:52,286 --> 00:00:56,246
Imagine a Britain
without Chatsworth buccaneers
14
00:00:56,326 --> 00:00:58,682
who'd come on your face
for the price of a beer.
15
00:00:58,766 --> 00:01:02,601
Make poverty history,
cheaper drugs now!
16
00:01:03,326 --> 00:01:06,637
Make poverty history,
cheaper drugs now!
17
00:01:06,726 --> 00:01:07,921
HE LAUGHS
18
00:01:08,006 --> 00:01:10,316
Scatter.
19
00:01:10,406 --> 00:01:12,045
Party!
20
00:01:20,086 --> 00:01:22,043
(Monica) I wrote a poem.
21
00:01:22,126 --> 00:01:24,516
There was a young womanfrom Chatsworth
22
00:01:24,606 --> 00:01:29,556
Who had dreams, ambitions,and other stuff
23
00:01:29,646 --> 00:01:32,400
But she lost her good cheer,
24
00:01:32,486 --> 00:01:34,000
and ended up here...
25
00:01:40,166 --> 00:01:43,284
But I can't finish it.Can't think of the last line.
26
00:01:43,366 --> 00:01:48,680
Frank, she's gone over.
We've got time.
27
00:01:48,766 --> 00:01:52,282
Don't need any foreplay,
I can get meself going.
28
00:01:52,366 --> 00:01:54,835
A quick in and out will do.
29
00:01:54,926 --> 00:01:56,599
Yeah, yeah... Go on.
30
00:01:58,206 --> 00:02:00,437
Knock yourself out.
31
00:02:01,526 --> 00:02:03,995
HE SNORES
32
00:02:04,086 --> 00:02:06,362
Oh, Christ.
33
00:02:07,446 --> 00:02:09,597
(Carl) Aah... Come on!
34
00:02:09,686 --> 00:02:11,962
At least somebody's getting some.
35
00:02:12,046 --> 00:02:13,526
BABY STARTS CRYING
36
00:02:13,606 --> 00:02:15,006
SHE SIGHS
37
00:02:22,246 --> 00:02:23,839
Agh!
38
00:02:26,926 --> 00:02:28,599
Come on!
39
00:02:31,766 --> 00:02:32,756
(Debbie) Carl!
40
00:02:32,846 --> 00:02:34,200
Fuck off!
41
00:02:34,286 --> 00:02:36,721
I'm touching cloth here!
42
00:02:36,806 --> 00:02:38,160
I'm having a piss.
43
00:02:38,246 --> 00:02:39,396
What, for 40 minutes?
44
00:02:39,486 --> 00:02:40,556
Really?
45
00:02:40,646 --> 00:02:42,444
It's been 40 minutes?
46
00:02:42,526 --> 00:02:44,358
Duh!
47
00:02:44,446 --> 00:02:46,119
Yeah, well...
I've got a big bladder.
48
00:02:47,206 --> 00:02:48,720
Carl!
49
00:02:51,326 --> 00:02:52,601
That's your lot.
50
00:02:52,686 --> 00:02:54,996
Yeah, well, you'll have to wait,
I can't find the gin.
51
00:02:55,086 --> 00:02:56,156
Down there, on the left.
52
00:03:00,646 --> 00:03:03,081
Feel free to roll
your tongue back in.
53
00:03:03,166 --> 00:03:06,204
Suppose there's no chance of a quickie?
Go on, for old times' sake?
54
00:03:06,286 --> 00:03:07,242
I'm a married woman.
55
00:03:07,326 --> 00:03:09,477
Not even a hand job?
56
00:03:09,566 --> 00:03:12,400
Not unless you want to take
your knob home in a jiffy bag.
57
00:03:12,486 --> 00:03:13,715
The sister-in-law?
58
00:03:13,806 --> 00:03:14,956
Shut up.
59
00:03:16,806 --> 00:03:18,206
He's harmless.
60
00:03:20,686 --> 00:03:22,643
Listen, I wanted to ask...
61
00:03:22,726 --> 00:03:27,403
You don't mind if I have someone
stay over Friday night?
62
00:03:27,486 --> 00:03:29,557
Course not, why would I?
63
00:03:29,646 --> 00:03:31,080
No.
64
00:03:32,926 --> 00:03:35,839
Right...! "Stay over."
65
00:03:37,806 --> 00:03:39,923
Course. You live here an' all.
66
00:03:40,006 --> 00:03:41,918
It's the first time...
67
00:03:42,006 --> 00:03:42,996
you know...
68
00:03:43,086 --> 00:03:45,885
Fuck off!
You haven't shagged him yet?
69
00:03:45,966 --> 00:03:48,083
What are you, a nun?
70
00:03:48,166 --> 00:03:51,557
Is it compulsory to use your knickers
as ankle-warmers on your first date?
71
00:03:51,646 --> 00:03:55,242
All right, no need to get
your chastity belt in a twist.
72
00:03:55,326 --> 00:03:57,124
Not another word from me.
73
00:03:57,206 --> 00:03:58,959
Any road, we'd better get our skates on.
74
00:04:01,446 --> 00:04:03,039
Carl!
75
00:04:03,126 --> 00:04:05,083
All right, sexy.
Joined Randall and Hopkirk, have we?
76
00:04:05,166 --> 00:04:06,805
Fuck off, I'm late.
77
00:04:07,886 --> 00:04:09,843
Thought we were going in town?
78
00:04:09,926 --> 00:04:10,996
I've got nothing to wear.
79
00:04:11,086 --> 00:04:13,442
You've got nothing to wear
to go clothes shopping?
80
00:04:13,526 --> 00:04:14,482
Got no money, either.
81
00:04:14,566 --> 00:04:16,080
D'you wanna eat this toast or wear it?
82
00:04:16,166 --> 00:04:19,204
Battle of the sexes, gorgeous.
By the time you're old enough
83
00:04:19,286 --> 00:04:21,926
to realise you're in a war
you'll have already lost it.
84
00:04:22,006 --> 00:04:25,636
What is it with girls and touching?
You don't always have to be touching!
85
00:04:25,726 --> 00:04:27,683
And you shouldn't
be shop-lifting either!
86
00:04:27,766 --> 00:04:29,644
- All right, son?
- No!
87
00:04:29,726 --> 00:04:30,682
Good.
88
00:04:30,766 --> 00:04:31,756
All right, Mr G?
89
00:04:31,846 --> 00:04:33,883
Pleased to see me?
90
00:04:35,646 --> 00:04:39,196
- Careful what you wish for, cheeky.
- Oh, yeah?
91
00:04:39,286 --> 00:04:41,755
So now you're feeling frisky?
92
00:04:41,846 --> 00:04:44,486
Well...it's just...a laugh.
93
00:04:44,566 --> 00:04:46,239
Five minutes.
94
00:05:00,246 --> 00:05:02,920
Oi! Show some respect.
95
00:05:03,006 --> 00:05:05,646
I hate this. Gives me t'creeps.
96
00:05:05,726 --> 00:05:09,481
Don't worry,
Scrappy Doo'll protect you.
97
00:05:09,566 --> 00:05:11,762
It's an annual pilgrimage.
98
00:05:11,846 --> 00:05:15,601
Mimi sits here all day,
we get excused after an hour.
99
00:05:15,686 --> 00:05:17,757
I'm all dressed up
so's I can stand out here
100
00:05:17,846 --> 00:05:19,519
freezing me knackers off
for an hour?
101
00:05:19,606 --> 00:05:21,438
Apparently blood's
thicker than water.
102
00:05:21,526 --> 00:05:23,518
It's not thicker than
fucking voddie, though, is it?
103
00:05:23,606 --> 00:05:24,926
THEY LAUGH
104
00:05:27,006 --> 00:05:30,317
What for? All right,
speak to you later. Ta-ra.
105
00:05:30,406 --> 00:05:32,125
State of him.
106
00:05:34,806 --> 00:05:38,959
Hey, saw that new girl of yours.
Only went into a shop for a pint of milk
107
00:05:39,046 --> 00:05:40,446
and there she is.
108
00:05:40,526 --> 00:05:43,041
I mean, for a hooker...
All that fucking hair...
109
00:05:43,126 --> 00:05:44,685
Biggest turn-off going.
110
00:05:44,766 --> 00:05:47,281
About as sexy as a pig in a skirt.
111
00:05:47,366 --> 00:05:49,119
What the fuck?
112
00:05:50,206 --> 00:05:52,960
It's all right, Mum, we'll fix it.
113
00:05:54,046 --> 00:05:57,118
Look at how upset it's making him!
114
00:05:57,206 --> 00:05:59,641
He's not grieving, he's hung over.
115
00:05:59,726 --> 00:06:01,604
Clear it up, now.
116
00:06:03,166 --> 00:06:04,566
Now!
117
00:06:05,686 --> 00:06:06,642
Now!
118
00:06:18,006 --> 00:06:19,406
Fuck!
119
00:06:20,407 --> 00:06:21,363
Sorry!
120
00:06:25,047 --> 00:06:30,441
I was bringing you a cuppa,
see if I could work in some small-talk.
121
00:06:30,527 --> 00:06:33,201
Think we've gone beyond that.
122
00:06:37,887 --> 00:06:39,844
Fuck... Shit... Stop!
123
00:06:39,927 --> 00:06:41,680
What?!
124
00:06:42,767 --> 00:06:44,406
I didn't know... I'm sorry.
125
00:06:44,487 --> 00:06:46,638
What, him?
He's not my bloke, he's my brother.
126
00:06:46,727 --> 00:06:50,562
We share the house.
Hurry up, before I lose me erection.
127
00:06:50,647 --> 00:06:54,004
Well... But isn't it weird...
him being there?
128
00:06:54,087 --> 00:06:56,363
Since when was watching
against the law?
129
00:07:06,127 --> 00:07:08,278
It's a fucking joke.
Not family enough to visit t'grave
130
00:07:08,367 --> 00:07:10,802
but it's all hands to t'pump
to scrub the bastard!
131
00:07:10,887 --> 00:07:13,083
It's cos you're girls,
you do a better job.
132
00:07:13,167 --> 00:07:15,443
Don't, Karen, I'll throw up again.
133
00:07:15,527 --> 00:07:16,927
- We're leaving.
- Lightweight.
134
00:07:17,007 --> 00:07:19,078
Fuck off, Micky.
135
00:07:22,607 --> 00:07:24,246
You sure you'll be all right?
136
00:07:27,007 --> 00:07:29,238
This can never happen again.
137
00:07:29,327 --> 00:07:32,525
It won't, angel...
138
00:07:32,607 --> 00:07:34,087
I promise.
139
00:07:41,127 --> 00:07:42,322
Here you go.
140
00:07:45,487 --> 00:07:46,762
It's only 20.
141
00:07:46,847 --> 00:07:48,361
I know. Weather we're having,
142
00:07:48,447 --> 00:07:51,007
expect I'll need done again
before the week's out.
143
00:07:51,087 --> 00:07:52,441
No problem.
144
00:07:56,527 --> 00:07:59,326
I said to your dad,
"No way that's a turkey,"
145
00:07:59,407 --> 00:08:02,366
but Bernie the butcher swore by it.
146
00:08:02,447 --> 00:08:06,123
Suppose they do look similar,
though, plucked.
147
00:08:06,207 --> 00:08:07,880
A turkey and a swan.
148
00:08:09,487 --> 00:08:11,524
So not the best Christmas.
149
00:08:23,087 --> 00:08:24,043
Poor cow.
150
00:08:25,767 --> 00:08:28,487
Why's it always the mothers
that bear the burden?
151
00:08:33,247 --> 00:08:35,603
C'mon, having a bite here.
152
00:08:35,687 --> 00:08:37,041
You can have a bite of me.
153
00:08:39,887 --> 00:08:41,287
I've got sauce on me now.
154
00:08:44,327 --> 00:08:45,363
What?
155
00:08:46,607 --> 00:08:48,599
What?
156
00:08:48,687 --> 00:08:50,918
I want...
157
00:08:51,007 --> 00:08:53,442
I need a bit of intimacy.
158
00:08:53,527 --> 00:08:56,281
I'm not just a fucking baby machine.
159
00:08:56,367 --> 00:08:58,245
Yeah, but, you know,
the timing's wrong.
160
00:08:58,327 --> 00:09:00,637
The timing's always wrong.
161
00:09:00,727 --> 00:09:02,207
No...
162
00:09:02,287 --> 00:09:05,325
No, I mean, you're still, you know,
163
00:09:05,407 --> 00:09:07,285
carrying a bit of baby fat,
aren't you,
164
00:09:07,367 --> 00:09:09,404
so I...would have thought you...
165
00:09:09,487 --> 00:09:13,481
you wouldn't...want to...flaunt it.
166
00:09:13,567 --> 00:09:18,437
I'm still a woman, I still need love.
Seven kids I've given you!
167
00:09:18,527 --> 00:09:20,883
When have I ever cast it up?
168
00:09:20,967 --> 00:09:23,163
Ever!
169
00:09:23,247 --> 00:09:25,204
You bastard!
170
00:09:25,287 --> 00:09:28,359
SMASHING, CLANGING
171
00:09:28,447 --> 00:09:31,440
Hey, nobody's saying
you've got to be Liz Hurley.
172
00:09:31,527 --> 00:09:33,484
Fuck you, you fucker!
173
00:09:33,567 --> 00:09:35,923
But you're not eating for two
any more, are you?
174
00:09:36,007 --> 00:09:39,045
I'll fucking show you
fucking love handles!
175
00:09:39,127 --> 00:09:40,925
Would you rather I lied to you?
176
00:09:41,007 --> 00:09:43,522
Piss off! You twat!
177
00:09:43,607 --> 00:09:45,724
Oh, here we go, another pair.
178
00:09:45,807 --> 00:09:47,526
Female of the species.
179
00:09:47,607 --> 00:09:50,725
Victims of biology and the
unbearable lightness of shopping.
180
00:09:50,807 --> 00:09:52,639
Oh, and whose fault is it?
181
00:09:52,727 --> 00:09:55,037
Societal pressure created by men!
182
00:10:05,007 --> 00:10:07,124
Oh, come on, then.
183
00:10:08,207 --> 00:10:10,597
What's the view from
the leaf-blowing brigade?
184
00:10:10,687 --> 00:10:12,519
You really are a useless prick,
aren't you?
185
00:10:12,607 --> 00:10:13,723
I'm not.
186
00:10:13,807 --> 00:10:15,844
Just think what that
woman's given up for you.
187
00:10:15,927 --> 00:10:20,046
What, you? Giant fucking
Yoda in a shell suit?
188
00:10:20,127 --> 00:10:22,801
That's right,
revert to your default position.
189
00:10:22,887 --> 00:10:24,401
Abusive.
190
00:10:25,487 --> 00:10:27,843
Don't examine
your own behaviour, whatever you do,
191
00:10:27,927 --> 00:10:31,318
because you're a great catch,
aren't you, Frank?
192
00:10:31,407 --> 00:10:33,285
Husband, helper, lover.
193
00:10:34,927 --> 00:10:36,281
You're going to lose her.
194
00:10:37,287 --> 00:10:38,482
No, I'm not.
195
00:10:38,567 --> 00:10:40,763
SHE LAUGHS
196
00:10:43,527 --> 00:10:46,440
'Ey, don't fucking laugh at me...
197
00:10:46,527 --> 00:10:49,326
Cos it's the lowest form of wit.
198
00:10:52,207 --> 00:10:54,847
D'you mind?
The ladies' loos are flooded.
199
00:10:54,927 --> 00:10:56,361
No.
200
00:11:05,807 --> 00:11:09,562
Sorry. I don't really need to go,
it's just...
201
00:11:09,647 --> 00:11:10,603
What?
202
00:11:10,687 --> 00:11:13,646
When was the last time
you did a bit of...
203
00:11:13,727 --> 00:11:15,161
gardening?
204
00:11:20,247 --> 00:11:23,558
I know it's none of my business, but,
it's your big date on Friday,
205
00:11:23,647 --> 00:11:26,719
and I know it's been a long time,
and Joe said...
206
00:11:26,807 --> 00:11:27,923
Joe said what?
207
00:11:28,007 --> 00:11:29,600
About as sexy as a pig in a skirt.
208
00:11:29,687 --> 00:11:32,122
That he doesn't like hairy women.
209
00:11:32,207 --> 00:11:35,200
They're totally disgusting
and it makes him wanna puke.
210
00:11:36,287 --> 00:11:37,767
A fucking Barbie doll?
211
00:11:37,847 --> 00:11:40,123
Smooth bump at the front?
212
00:11:40,207 --> 00:11:44,486
It's natural. What kind of person
thinks body hair is disgusting,
213
00:11:44,567 --> 00:11:46,081
a massive turn-off?
214
00:11:46,167 --> 00:11:49,160
The hoops we fucking jump through!
215
00:11:49,247 --> 00:11:51,125
I just thought you'd wanna know!
216
00:11:57,767 --> 00:11:58,962
You all right, mate?
217
00:11:59,047 --> 00:12:00,401
Yeah, grand.
218
00:12:03,367 --> 00:12:04,323
What?
219
00:12:04,407 --> 00:12:08,447
Well, this is really fucking weird,
because she's me sister, but...
220
00:12:08,527 --> 00:12:11,486
Well, I know
it's your big night Friday.
221
00:12:11,567 --> 00:12:13,798
She doesn't like hairy men.
222
00:12:13,887 --> 00:12:15,082
What?
223
00:12:15,167 --> 00:12:16,840
She doesn't like men with hair.
224
00:12:16,927 --> 00:12:18,122
What, you mean...
225
00:12:18,207 --> 00:12:20,403
Jesus, no! It'd look like
a one-eyed turkey,
226
00:12:20,487 --> 00:12:22,763
plucked and ready for the oven!
Your chest...
227
00:12:24,367 --> 00:12:28,759
Well, I've seen you after games,
you're not exactly lacking, are ya?
228
00:12:28,847 --> 00:12:29,803
She really hates it?
229
00:12:29,887 --> 00:12:31,401
Disgusts her.
230
00:12:31,487 --> 00:12:34,241
Doesn't think she could be
with a hairy guy.
231
00:12:36,047 --> 00:12:37,367
Sorry, mate.
232
00:12:41,487 --> 00:12:42,841
How was that?
233
00:12:42,927 --> 00:12:46,762
Stanley Waterman,
if muff-diving were an Olympic sport,
234
00:12:46,847 --> 00:12:49,362
you'd be a national fucking hero.
235
00:12:49,447 --> 00:12:50,961
Do you hang weights off your tongue?
236
00:12:51,047 --> 00:12:52,117
Your turn.
237
00:12:52,207 --> 00:12:54,278
I'm knackered, Stan.
238
00:12:54,367 --> 00:12:56,802
There's no way I could
work up the energy.
239
00:12:58,527 --> 00:13:00,280
If you don't mind me saying...
240
00:13:00,367 --> 00:13:02,404
But you're always too knackered
when it's my turn these days.
241
00:13:02,487 --> 00:13:04,001
Am I?
242
00:13:04,087 --> 00:13:07,603
It's your own fault.
You're too bloomin' good.
243
00:13:07,687 --> 00:13:08,882
Yvonne.
244
00:13:11,367 --> 00:13:15,122
- Yvonne?
- It's the wart, Stan.
245
00:13:15,207 --> 00:13:16,357
The wart.
246
00:13:16,447 --> 00:13:18,166
I thought you hadn't noticed.
247
00:13:18,247 --> 00:13:19,522
Noticed?
248
00:13:19,607 --> 00:13:22,918
It's almost had me eye out
five times.
249
00:13:23,007 --> 00:13:25,966
It's like your bell-end's
grown another head.
250
00:13:26,047 --> 00:13:28,642
It's only a wart, love.
251
00:13:28,727 --> 00:13:30,320
They can easily be removed.
252
00:13:30,407 --> 00:13:32,364
Like a verruca. Tssst!
253
00:13:39,407 --> 00:13:40,921
It's rubbish, innit?
254
00:13:41,007 --> 00:13:43,044
No, it's just...
255
00:13:43,127 --> 00:13:46,598
This bit about "Running his tongue
round her burning Volvo..."
256
00:13:46,687 --> 00:13:48,599
It's a typing error, right?
257
00:13:48,687 --> 00:13:51,646
Well, I used spell-check.
I'm no good with the Latin words.
258
00:13:51,727 --> 00:13:53,764
And same when she gives him
"a blow-dry".
259
00:13:53,847 --> 00:13:56,681
No, I meant that.
She's an 'airdresser.
260
00:13:56,767 --> 00:13:57,723
Oh.
261
00:13:57,807 --> 00:13:58,923
Oh, yous hate it.
262
00:13:59,007 --> 00:14:00,999
- No, we don't...
- It's a bit gay, Micky.
263
00:14:01,087 --> 00:14:03,807
How is this gay?
264
00:14:03,887 --> 00:14:05,560
"He bent her over the cement mixer,
265
00:14:05,647 --> 00:14:10,324
"spread her arse cheeks wide, and
slid the length of his girder inside.
266
00:14:10,407 --> 00:14:13,445
"The only sound interrupting her
moans was the rattle of her hard hat
267
00:14:13,527 --> 00:14:16,042
"inside the empty mixer, as
it went round and round and round..."
268
00:14:16,127 --> 00:14:17,243
It's a building site.
269
00:14:17,327 --> 00:14:20,365
So? You get women builders.
270
00:14:20,447 --> 00:14:23,485
Straight or not, I'm as wet
as a fisherman's sou'wester,
271
00:14:23,567 --> 00:14:26,082
just listening to it.
Upstairs, the pair of ya.
272
00:14:27,527 --> 00:14:29,280
Ahh!
273
00:14:30,167 --> 00:14:32,318
Sorry about that.
274
00:14:32,407 --> 00:14:34,558
S'all right, happens.
275
00:14:34,647 --> 00:14:36,923
It's just bad timing,
276
00:14:37,007 --> 00:14:39,442
you two coming first. Again!
277
00:14:41,527 --> 00:14:42,961
She's not stupid, you know.
278
00:14:43,047 --> 00:14:45,357
She must be if she thinks
you're still in the closet.
279
00:14:45,447 --> 00:14:47,404
Shut up!
WATER RUNS
280
00:14:47,487 --> 00:14:50,082
That's how you're
into swinging, innit?
281
00:14:50,167 --> 00:14:51,886
You're a poof trapped
in a straight marriage.
282
00:14:51,967 --> 00:14:54,527
Hey, I'm not a poof.
283
00:14:54,607 --> 00:14:58,806
Yeah? So how come you've got a stiffie,
as soon as she left the room?
284
00:15:01,847 --> 00:15:03,520
I love her.
285
00:15:06,167 --> 00:15:08,682
When was the last time
you had straight sex with her?
286
00:15:09,727 --> 00:15:10,797
Micky...
287
00:15:12,287 --> 00:15:13,482
I think I love you, too.
288
00:15:20,687 --> 00:15:23,156
Well, tomorrow...
289
00:15:23,247 --> 00:15:25,239
we have this out.
290
00:15:25,327 --> 00:15:26,966
The three of us.
291
00:15:32,847 --> 00:15:34,804
What are you doing?
292
00:15:35,407 --> 00:15:38,320
I. Am. Helping.
293
00:15:41,207 --> 00:15:43,039
Oh, fuck's sake.
294
00:15:43,127 --> 00:15:45,562
Looking foxy, Mrs G.
295
00:15:45,647 --> 00:15:47,320
Thank you, Maxine.
296
00:15:51,847 --> 00:15:53,679
BABY CRIES
297
00:15:55,407 --> 00:15:57,285
What's up wi' your mum?
298
00:15:57,367 --> 00:15:58,721
General or specific?
299
00:15:58,807 --> 00:16:01,242
General - she wasn't born
into the Royal Family.
300
00:16:01,327 --> 00:16:03,637
Specific - she's 43 going on 14.
301
00:16:05,567 --> 00:16:08,207
- I'm pissing.
- What, all day, every day?
302
00:16:09,727 --> 00:16:10,763
Debs, wait.
303
00:16:15,007 --> 00:16:17,078
I'll just unload, shall I?
304
00:16:18,447 --> 00:16:19,642
I can't piss.
305
00:16:19,727 --> 00:16:21,525
You're getting plenty of practice.
306
00:16:21,607 --> 00:16:25,396
No, I mean...I can't piss.
307
00:16:25,487 --> 00:16:28,400
A little bit comes out,
but it hurts like fuck.
308
00:16:28,487 --> 00:16:29,841
And it itches all the time.
309
00:16:29,927 --> 00:16:33,125
- Use a condom, don't ya?
- Course I do.
310
00:16:33,207 --> 00:16:34,402
Usually.
311
00:16:34,487 --> 00:16:36,399
You've got an STD.
312
00:16:36,487 --> 00:16:39,400
- Have I fuck!
- Fine, you haven't.
313
00:16:39,487 --> 00:16:40,443
What should I do?
314
00:16:40,527 --> 00:16:41,483
Clinic.
315
00:16:43,207 --> 00:16:44,607
No way!
316
00:16:50,487 --> 00:16:51,921
(Liam) Stay back!
317
00:16:52,007 --> 00:16:56,001
SHOUTING, BANGING
318
00:16:57,687 --> 00:17:00,327
(Liam) I'm OK, everything's fine!
319
00:17:00,407 --> 00:17:02,763
BABY CRIES
320
00:17:02,847 --> 00:17:04,566
Oh, fuck!
321
00:17:07,767 --> 00:17:10,157
BABY CONTINUES CRYING
322
00:17:10,247 --> 00:17:11,920
Shut up, Stella!
323
00:17:13,007 --> 00:17:14,202
All right, love?
324
00:17:14,287 --> 00:17:16,483
Yeah, thanks, Lillian.
325
00:17:16,567 --> 00:17:20,846
If you don't mind me saying,
you're looking a bit...mental.
326
00:17:20,927 --> 00:17:21,883
Am I?
327
00:17:21,967 --> 00:17:25,039
Sure you haven't got some of that
post-natal depression?
328
00:17:25,127 --> 00:17:28,882
She could be right, you know, Monica.
You don't seem quite yourself.
329
00:17:28,967 --> 00:17:31,084
And what is "meself", then, Yvonne?
330
00:17:31,167 --> 00:17:33,727
Dressing like a sofa
and munching down HRT,
331
00:17:33,807 --> 00:17:35,446
cos I'm past me sell-by date?
332
00:17:35,527 --> 00:17:36,802
Don't be soft!
333
00:17:36,887 --> 00:17:40,961
With bosoms like these you've got
20 years of good handling in you yet.
334
00:17:41,047 --> 00:17:44,597
I'm not mental just because
I want to be treated like a woman.
335
00:17:46,207 --> 00:17:49,041
You can probably take
your hands off now, Lillian.
336
00:17:57,207 --> 00:18:00,917
They were persecuted
in ancient times, hypnotists.
337
00:18:01,007 --> 00:18:03,238
Folk used to think
it were black magic.
338
00:18:05,247 --> 00:18:09,082
(Monica) It's probably just a tacky sex
show. Pub hypnotists are all the same.
339
00:18:09,167 --> 00:18:11,284
So you're not going?
340
00:18:11,367 --> 00:18:14,644
Oh, yeah. I'm gonna get there early,
get a seat down t'front.
341
00:18:14,727 --> 00:18:16,923
(Norma) It's a science of the future,
mind-control.
342
00:18:17,007 --> 00:18:19,647
Some people even see it as an art.
Who's to say?
343
00:18:19,727 --> 00:18:22,083
The paying fucking public.
344
00:18:22,167 --> 00:18:25,399
Seven quid a ticket,
he'd better be an artist.
345
00:18:25,487 --> 00:18:28,685
They used to think Houdini hypnotised
hisself, so he could hold his breath.
346
00:18:28,767 --> 00:18:30,042
Till he drowned, of course.
347
00:18:30,127 --> 00:18:32,039
Then the theory lost
some of its credibility.
348
00:18:32,127 --> 00:18:33,925
Our mam was hypnotised once.
349
00:18:34,007 --> 00:18:36,363
Wonder if that's why
she thinks she's a Scouser.
350
00:18:36,447 --> 00:18:37,597
TEXT MESSAGE TONE
351
00:18:37,687 --> 00:18:39,326
She is a fucking Scouser!
352
00:18:39,407 --> 00:18:41,603
(Norma) Course, all art is subjective.
353
00:18:41,687 --> 00:18:47,923
You know that tennis poster,
of the...of the lass lifting her skirt
354
00:18:48,007 --> 00:18:52,320
to scratch a single,
perfect, round buttock.
355
00:18:52,407 --> 00:18:54,000
- We have to go.
- I've still got half me...
356
00:18:54,087 --> 00:18:55,043
Now!
357
00:18:55,127 --> 00:18:57,084
Classic image, that is.
358
00:18:59,167 --> 00:19:02,764
I used me dad's razor the first time
I did it. Used his aftershave an' all.
359
00:19:02,848 --> 00:19:04,601
That was a once-only experiment.
360
00:19:06,328 --> 00:19:07,398
You sure you've done this before?
361
00:19:07,488 --> 00:19:12,404
Yeah. One summer, I did me mate's
like the faces of the Take That boys.
362
00:19:12,488 --> 00:19:14,605
Except Gary Barlow, of course.
363
00:19:14,688 --> 00:19:18,523
- She must've been a hairy girl.
- Not really. Mark Owen's only little.
364
00:19:18,608 --> 00:19:19,962
Maybe I should go to a salon.
365
00:19:20,048 --> 00:19:23,564
And drop 40 quid to let some
spotty teenager stare up your muff?!
366
00:19:23,648 --> 00:19:25,685
Come on, get 'em off!
367
00:19:28,248 --> 00:19:30,558
Are you sure this is
the best way to do it?
368
00:19:30,648 --> 00:19:34,198
How should I know? Not my missus
who's got a fetish for baldy.
369
00:19:34,288 --> 00:19:35,324
Not natural though, is it?
370
00:19:35,408 --> 00:19:37,843
Blame Brad Pitt and
Leonardo DiCaprio.
371
00:19:37,928 --> 00:19:40,363
We live in
the era of the girly man.
372
00:19:40,448 --> 00:19:42,599
Yeah, well, I'd fucking hate
to look like that.
373
00:19:45,528 --> 00:19:46,484
Can you do it?
374
00:19:46,568 --> 00:19:47,558
Fuck right off!
375
00:19:47,648 --> 00:19:50,720
I can't get the angles right,
looking in the mirror.
376
00:19:50,808 --> 00:19:52,162
MOUTHS
377
00:19:58,048 --> 00:20:00,608
Nobody gets to hear about this.
378
00:20:03,008 --> 00:20:05,648
That's half my wardrobe, Liam.
These aren't stolen.
379
00:20:07,288 --> 00:20:10,964
I don't want them in the house,
it's bad karma.
380
00:20:16,488 --> 00:20:17,444
Who the fuck?
381
00:20:20,608 --> 00:20:22,361
What you doing?
382
00:20:22,448 --> 00:20:23,677
Assisting.
383
00:20:23,768 --> 00:20:25,999
Being less than useless.
384
00:20:26,088 --> 00:20:29,320
More importantly, what the fuck
is this garment doing in my house?
385
00:20:29,408 --> 00:20:31,320
Didn't we bring them up right?
386
00:20:31,408 --> 00:20:32,842
I don't care.
387
00:20:39,848 --> 00:20:41,680
(Mandy) Oh...Holy God in Heaven!
388
00:20:43,208 --> 00:20:44,528
Everything all right?
389
00:20:44,608 --> 00:20:46,565
Yeah. You?
390
00:20:46,648 --> 00:20:48,002
Fine.
391
00:20:49,048 --> 00:20:50,164
What you up to?
392
00:20:50,248 --> 00:20:51,318
Nothing.
393
00:20:52,408 --> 00:20:53,364
You?
394
00:20:53,448 --> 00:20:54,677
Not much.
395
00:20:54,768 --> 00:20:57,727
Argh! You said you'd
done this before.
396
00:20:57,808 --> 00:20:59,606
I have. It's been a while, that's all.
397
00:20:59,688 --> 00:21:03,443
I thought you were an expert. Did
your mate's with the Take That boys.
398
00:21:03,528 --> 00:21:05,360
I never said it was a good likeness.
399
00:21:06,408 --> 00:21:08,604
Feels like you used
sticky sandpaper!
400
00:21:08,688 --> 00:21:10,566
I think I'm bleeding.
401
00:21:10,648 --> 00:21:14,528
Don't be so soft. Women have suffered
for beauty since the dawn of time...
402
00:21:14,608 --> 00:21:16,679
and we've only just started. Get back.
403
00:21:18,768 --> 00:21:21,886
- (Joe) Christ almighty!
- Jamie, summat wrong?
404
00:21:21,968 --> 00:21:23,527
No.
405
00:21:23,608 --> 00:21:24,803
Sound as a pound.
406
00:21:24,888 --> 00:21:26,402
OK.
407
00:21:27,528 --> 00:21:29,520
Me nipple! I think you've cut it off!
408
00:21:29,608 --> 00:21:31,008
You shouldn't twitch so much.
409
00:21:31,088 --> 00:21:34,365
No wonder, with the Barber of
fucking Seville shaving me chest.
410
00:21:34,448 --> 00:21:38,727
Oh, don't be such a baby! It's only
a nipple, you've got another one.
411
00:21:39,808 --> 00:21:42,368
Your brother fancies me.
He wants to fucking do me.
412
00:21:42,448 --> 00:21:46,124
And not straight on and off either -
he wants to spank me.
413
00:21:46,208 --> 00:21:48,723
You can't hurt him, Shane.
He's your brother.
414
00:21:48,808 --> 00:21:50,765
I'm not gonna hurt him.
415
00:21:50,848 --> 00:21:52,043
I feel sorry for him.
416
00:21:53,248 --> 00:21:54,682
I'm not sure how to take that.
417
00:21:54,768 --> 00:21:57,920
No, I mean, I don't blame him.
418
00:21:58,008 --> 00:22:02,560
How could he not fancy you?
Karen's a nice girl and all, but...
419
00:22:02,648 --> 00:22:04,799
- She'll never be a you.
- You taking the piss?
420
00:22:04,888 --> 00:22:07,323
No. You could be a model.
421
00:22:07,408 --> 00:22:11,288
In fact, you make half t'models
in magazines look like dogs.
422
00:22:11,368 --> 00:22:13,041
I do own a mirror, Shane.
423
00:22:13,128 --> 00:22:17,088
And, while it tells me that,
yes, I am a fucking knock-out,
424
00:22:17,168 --> 00:22:20,525
I don't think Kate Moss should be
quivering in her Jimmy Choos.
425
00:22:20,608 --> 00:22:22,122
You're gonna have to put him off.
426
00:22:22,208 --> 00:22:24,165
How?
427
00:22:27,048 --> 00:22:29,882
I'm completely bald!
You said Brazilian!
428
00:22:29,968 --> 00:22:33,848
There must be bald Brazilians.
Who's the one that bends the free kicks?
429
00:22:33,928 --> 00:22:38,400
Bald is all the rage.
Brazilian's...so '90s.
430
00:22:38,488 --> 00:22:40,844
I am not interested
in fanny fashion!
431
00:22:40,928 --> 00:22:43,727
And it's not supposed to hurt
this much either.
432
00:22:43,808 --> 00:22:49,088
I s'pose I should've used alcohol-free
wipes. Tea tree's the best, I think.
433
00:22:49,168 --> 00:22:53,321
On the plus side,
you could stuff a cushion with these.
434
00:22:57,848 --> 00:23:00,522
Has she given you
the old heave-ho, then? Permanent?
435
00:23:00,608 --> 00:23:01,803
Or is it just a lovers' tiff?
436
00:23:01,888 --> 00:23:03,038
What?
437
00:23:04,128 --> 00:23:05,801
Your girlfriend.
438
00:23:06,888 --> 00:23:09,687
Well, you've been spending
so much time there of late,
439
00:23:09,768 --> 00:23:12,203
I expected this to be
a solo mission.
440
00:23:12,288 --> 00:23:13,244
Yeah.
441
00:23:13,328 --> 00:23:16,400
Take her to see the hypnotist
at The Jockey tomorrow night.
442
00:23:16,488 --> 00:23:17,763
Laughter's a rare remedy.
443
00:23:17,848 --> 00:23:19,123
Yeah, maybe.
444
00:23:19,208 --> 00:23:21,962
Don't be a doormat.
I'll talk her round.
445
00:23:22,048 --> 00:23:23,323
HE CHUCKLES
446
00:23:23,408 --> 00:23:26,321
Never underestimate the wisdom
of the old fella, son,
447
00:23:26,408 --> 00:23:28,320
when it comes to the ladies.
448
00:23:28,408 --> 00:23:32,084
I cast my net far and wide
before I met your mother.
449
00:23:32,168 --> 00:23:33,363
Excellent.
450
00:23:33,448 --> 00:23:34,882
Ssshhh.
451
00:23:41,128 --> 00:23:43,085
What's she doing?
452
00:23:44,208 --> 00:23:46,165
I couldn't say, Michael.
453
00:23:51,688 --> 00:23:53,042
I'll grab her.
454
00:23:53,128 --> 00:23:55,279
Just...wait.
455
00:24:14,768 --> 00:24:16,521
I'm fucking gorgeous!
456
00:24:16,608 --> 00:24:18,964
I'm in me prime, you bastard!
457
00:24:19,048 --> 00:24:20,277
Ah-hem...
458
00:24:22,168 --> 00:24:23,488
Corrie's on.
459
00:24:23,568 --> 00:24:25,605
Thought you might want to know.
460
00:24:25,688 --> 00:24:27,839
Be down in a minute.
461
00:24:36,168 --> 00:24:37,079
Hiya.
462
00:24:37,168 --> 00:24:39,125
It really burns when I piss,
463
00:24:39,208 --> 00:24:43,088
and most of the time I can't piss,
so I've got this really throbbing pain.
464
00:24:43,168 --> 00:24:45,842
And I'm itching so much
that I'm scratching myself raw.
465
00:24:45,928 --> 00:24:49,000
I do this two days a week until they
can get me full-time at McDonald's,
466
00:24:49,088 --> 00:24:51,887
so you probably wanna wait
for a doctor to examine you.
467
00:24:51,968 --> 00:24:53,641
Just your name, for now.
468
00:24:54,408 --> 00:24:55,808
Carl Gallagher.
469
00:25:09,488 --> 00:25:11,400
You all right, Stan?
470
00:25:11,488 --> 00:25:14,162
- All right, Carl.
- What you in for?
471
00:25:14,248 --> 00:25:15,602
Nothing... You know.
472
00:25:15,688 --> 00:25:18,760
You've got genital herpes
or something.
473
00:25:18,848 --> 00:25:21,044
Hey, it gives you an itchy arse.
Read about it.
474
00:25:21,128 --> 00:25:24,200
No, I mean, nothing like that,
475
00:25:24,288 --> 00:25:26,007
it's just a small personal...
476
00:25:26,088 --> 00:25:29,718
I haven't got an infection,
I've just got a small nubbin
477
00:25:29,808 --> 00:25:31,401
on the end of me...
478
00:25:31,488 --> 00:25:35,721
A bit of diplomacy, eh,
about us seeing each other here?
479
00:25:35,808 --> 00:25:37,242
I've only got chlamydia.
480
00:25:37,328 --> 00:25:39,160
It's like the Stockport County of VDs.
481
00:25:39,248 --> 00:25:41,558
Chlamydia's very infectious, Carl.
482
00:25:41,648 --> 00:25:43,879
It can lead to infertility,
483
00:25:43,968 --> 00:25:46,005
premature birth,
whole load of nasty things.
484
00:25:46,088 --> 00:25:48,922
You've got to tell them, Carl,
any girls you've been with.
485
00:25:49,008 --> 00:25:51,000
It's important.
486
00:25:51,088 --> 00:25:52,283
You all right, Tina?
487
00:25:52,368 --> 00:25:53,518
HE GROANS
488
00:26:00,608 --> 00:26:01,962
Not today, Micky.
489
00:26:02,048 --> 00:26:03,607
We're supposed to have a chat.
490
00:26:03,688 --> 00:26:06,726
Me and Ady had the chat.
We didn't need you present.
491
00:26:06,808 --> 00:26:09,482
It's OK, I'll handle it.
492
00:26:09,568 --> 00:26:10,763
Honest.
493
00:26:12,208 --> 00:26:13,403
Faggot.
494
00:26:13,488 --> 00:26:15,719
Which one of us are you talking to?
495
00:26:17,768 --> 00:26:20,567
She gave me an ultimatum,
made me choose.
496
00:26:20,648 --> 00:26:22,719
What, and you chose her?
497
00:26:23,648 --> 00:26:25,765
You're even gayer than I am!
498
00:26:25,848 --> 00:26:27,601
Look, we can still see each other.
499
00:26:27,688 --> 00:26:29,327
Just not when she knows.
500
00:26:33,848 --> 00:26:36,682
No, mate. I don't think so.
501
00:26:36,768 --> 00:26:38,122
Why?
502
00:26:38,208 --> 00:26:40,564
Cos I prefer a bit more spine.
503
00:26:42,168 --> 00:26:43,522
You're too pussy-whipped.
504
00:26:43,608 --> 00:26:45,201
- Micky...
- No, mate.
505
00:26:45,288 --> 00:26:47,644
I deserve better.
506
00:26:48,728 --> 00:26:50,685
I deserve fucking better.
507
00:27:01,848 --> 00:27:03,123
What you doing?
508
00:27:03,208 --> 00:27:05,518
Going to see the hypnotist
at The Jockey.
509
00:27:05,608 --> 00:27:07,247
Not in that top. That's mine.
510
00:27:07,328 --> 00:27:08,398
Stolen.
511
00:27:08,488 --> 00:27:09,763
It's mine!
512
00:27:09,848 --> 00:27:12,124
- It's only a top, Debs.
- What about Stella?
513
00:27:12,208 --> 00:27:13,881
Well, Liam can look after...
514
00:27:13,968 --> 00:27:15,448
Don't even think about it!
515
00:27:15,528 --> 00:27:17,997
You can't leave a baby
with a nine-year-old boy.
516
00:27:18,088 --> 00:27:22,924
Fine! I'll stay in again, like
the Prisoner of fuckin' Zenda!
517
00:27:24,008 --> 00:27:26,125
What you doing? Don't.
518
00:27:26,208 --> 00:27:27,278
BABY CRIES
519
00:27:30,968 --> 00:27:32,402
Debbie!
520
00:27:46,808 --> 00:27:48,288
Thanks a fuckin' bunch, Stan!
521
00:27:56,008 --> 00:27:57,522
KNOCK ON DOOR
522
00:28:04,048 --> 00:28:07,246
Good evening, madam.
Do you believe in the living Christ?
523
00:28:07,328 --> 00:28:10,366
After this week, absolutely not.
524
00:28:12,008 --> 00:28:13,442
Wait...
525
00:28:13,528 --> 00:28:18,444
My soul might be lost, but me son's
is definitely up for grabs.
526
00:28:27,008 --> 00:28:28,522
Ten.
527
00:28:28,608 --> 00:28:30,600
Do I look like immigrant labour?
528
00:28:33,368 --> 00:28:36,281
20, then, but that's
for the whole night.
529
00:28:36,368 --> 00:28:38,041
I'm not changing any more nappies.
530
00:28:38,128 --> 00:28:39,847
Just keep them talking, all right?
531
00:28:41,648 --> 00:28:44,004
I'll give you some privacy.
I've just got a quick
532
00:28:44,088 --> 00:28:46,683
point to make to me husband.
533
00:28:49,608 --> 00:28:50,758
Have fun!
534
00:28:52,728 --> 00:28:54,162
CLAPPING AND CHATTER
535
00:28:56,128 --> 00:29:00,645
(Russian accent) Carl is your husband,
Lillian is your lesbian lover...
536
00:29:00,728 --> 00:29:01,684
LAUGHING
537
00:29:01,768 --> 00:29:03,964
..and Norma is Brad Pitt...
538
00:29:04,048 --> 00:29:05,448
CHEERING AND HECKLING
539
00:29:05,528 --> 00:29:09,283
..in the nude. And...
540
00:29:09,368 --> 00:29:10,722
wake!
541
00:29:10,808 --> 00:29:12,606
Lillian, what you doing here?
542
00:29:12,688 --> 00:29:14,600
Carl'll find out.
543
00:29:14,688 --> 00:29:18,728
Oh, my God, Brad Pitt,
544
00:29:18,808 --> 00:29:22,688
you're everything I imagined...and more!
545
00:29:24,288 --> 00:29:26,962
It is not amusing to
put me in this position.
546
00:29:27,048 --> 00:29:29,722
A penis is an aggressive appendage!
547
00:29:29,808 --> 00:29:31,447
CHEERING AND HECKLING
548
00:29:32,968 --> 00:29:35,563
Marital strife
and an imaginary knob.
549
00:29:35,648 --> 00:29:38,641
Passes for entertainment, does it?
550
00:29:38,728 --> 00:29:40,048
All right, Shane?
551
00:29:40,128 --> 00:29:41,084
Yes, mate.
552
00:29:41,168 --> 00:29:42,727
- All right, Kelly?
- Yeah, magic.
553
00:29:42,808 --> 00:29:44,800
SHE SNORTS
554
00:29:45,888 --> 00:29:48,767
Can I have a lager
and a vodka-tonic, please?
555
00:29:48,848 --> 00:29:50,123
You...
556
00:29:50,208 --> 00:29:52,677
You've got something on your...
557
00:29:52,768 --> 00:29:54,566
Oh, yeah, me falser.
558
00:29:54,648 --> 00:29:59,439
It seems to rub when it's me
time of t'month. And, Jesus, am I on!
559
00:29:59,528 --> 00:30:02,202
- It's like someone turned a tap on...
- All right, Kelly!
560
00:30:02,288 --> 00:30:05,838
- Pint and a vodka tonic, was it?
- What you doing?
561
00:30:05,928 --> 00:30:08,841
Don't worry, I've got a sitter,
so remove the gun from me head.
562
00:30:08,928 --> 00:30:09,998
Who?
563
00:30:10,088 --> 00:30:13,286
You fucking peck away at me
like a hen, you know that, Debbie?
564
00:30:13,368 --> 00:30:16,406
Seven of you I've brought up,
and not one of you has ever had
565
00:30:16,488 --> 00:30:19,367
the good grace to pay me
the tiniest little compliment.
566
00:30:19,448 --> 00:30:21,519
When your responsibilities in life
567
00:30:21,608 --> 00:30:24,567
extend beyond
"Which sleeveless top shall I rob?"
568
00:30:24,648 --> 00:30:27,527
then you can question
my parenting skills! All right?
569
00:30:35,768 --> 00:30:37,725
Two bottles of lager, Karen.
570
00:30:37,808 --> 00:30:40,198
HE GROANS
571
00:30:40,288 --> 00:30:41,688
Sorry.
572
00:30:41,768 --> 00:30:44,203
Just a little bit sensitive.
573
00:30:44,288 --> 00:30:47,008
Must be all the excitement.
Just gonna nip the loo.
574
00:31:00,088 --> 00:31:02,648
You might at least wait
till the lad comes back.
575
00:31:04,248 --> 00:31:06,638
Only real fundamentalists still
adhere to the notion
576
00:31:06,728 --> 00:31:09,960
that God physically created the world
in seven days. It's metaphorical.
577
00:31:10,048 --> 00:31:12,722
Do you know what a metaphor is?
578
00:31:12,808 --> 00:31:16,518
Don't you think it's hypocritical of
the Church to insist on creationism
579
00:31:16,608 --> 00:31:20,522
for centuries, only to jump on
the intelligent design bandwagon now?
580
00:31:23,648 --> 00:31:26,402
SHE CLUCKS LIKE A CHICKEN
581
00:31:26,488 --> 00:31:29,242
And now you're a monkey.
582
00:31:29,328 --> 00:31:30,887
SHE MAKES MONKEY NOISES
583
00:31:30,968 --> 00:31:34,757
You're hypnotising her all the time!
Hypnotise some locals.
584
00:31:34,848 --> 00:31:38,364
- You're as greasy as your hair!
- Come on!
585
00:31:38,448 --> 00:31:42,488
Some people are more susceptible
to hypnotism than other people, so...
586
00:31:43,568 --> 00:31:45,526
You're fucking at it, you are.
587
00:31:48,489 --> 00:31:51,641
What about this gallant young lad?
588
00:31:51,729 --> 00:31:53,960
Yeah, that's more like it!
589
00:31:54,049 --> 00:31:55,085
CHEERING
590
00:31:55,169 --> 00:31:57,365
And this lovely lady.
591
00:31:58,449 --> 00:31:59,599
Me?
592
00:31:59,689 --> 00:32:02,648
Yes. Come on, folks, come on.
Give them a hand.
593
00:32:02,729 --> 00:32:04,004
CHEERING AND CLAPPING
594
00:32:06,169 --> 00:32:08,445
(Quietly) Move it. Come on.
595
00:32:11,809 --> 00:32:13,448
You, little lady, are exquisite.
596
00:32:13,529 --> 00:32:16,363
Anybody can say the right words.
597
00:32:16,449 --> 00:32:18,281
It's not rocket science, is it?
598
00:32:18,369 --> 00:32:20,565
Feel heavy, feel heavy.
599
00:32:22,889 --> 00:32:23,845
Ssh!
600
00:32:23,929 --> 00:32:25,488
(English accent) Right, mate, listen.
601
00:32:25,569 --> 00:32:28,289
I'll give you 50 quid if you do what
I say and make out you're hypnotised.
602
00:32:28,369 --> 00:32:30,645
- What?
- It's a fucking scam, all right?
603
00:32:30,729 --> 00:32:33,881
I could no more hypnotise you than
pull a bunch of flowers out me arse.
604
00:32:33,969 --> 00:32:35,767
Fifty quid, are you in or out?
605
00:32:35,849 --> 00:32:36,805
Yeah, sound.
606
00:32:37,889 --> 00:32:39,960
(Russian accent) And...
607
00:32:41,009 --> 00:32:41,965
..sleep!
608
00:32:44,689 --> 00:32:46,248
APPLAUSE
609
00:32:49,489 --> 00:32:51,367
How long are you going to keep this up?
610
00:32:51,449 --> 00:32:53,202
I'm busy.
611
00:32:55,089 --> 00:32:58,560
I'm sorry if the text was
over the top, but it was just a joke,
612
00:32:58,649 --> 00:33:00,561
try and snap you out of it.
613
00:33:00,649 --> 00:33:03,847
Look, we could go for dinner
or something, your choice.
614
00:33:03,929 --> 00:33:06,239
Don't know what you're
talking about. What text?
615
00:33:06,329 --> 00:33:07,445
The filthy one.
616
00:33:07,529 --> 00:33:10,886
You've been blanking me so much,
I thought it would break the ice.
617
00:33:10,969 --> 00:33:13,643
I haven't been blanking ya.
I've been rushed off me feet.
618
00:33:13,729 --> 00:33:15,209
And I didn't get any text.
619
00:33:16,929 --> 00:33:18,283
Recognise it?
620
00:33:19,529 --> 00:33:21,680
No.
621
00:33:21,769 --> 00:33:23,123
So, you're not angry with me?
622
00:33:23,209 --> 00:33:25,599
Jesus, Jamie! You went
on the tiles with a mate,
623
00:33:25,689 --> 00:33:27,043
you're not Osama bin Laden.
624
00:33:27,129 --> 00:33:28,722
So, who have I sent this to, then?
625
00:33:32,209 --> 00:33:33,643
Oh, shit.
626
00:34:12,049 --> 00:34:17,363
But I want your baby! I want to
feel your seed grow inside me!
627
00:34:17,449 --> 00:34:19,839
Whoa, easy tiger!
628
00:34:24,489 --> 00:34:27,129
(Man) Fucking god-awful!
629
00:34:27,209 --> 00:34:29,769
If evolution is right,
and I'm not conceding that,
630
00:34:29,849 --> 00:34:33,445
then surely there's a guiding hand
behind it, an intelligence.
631
00:34:33,529 --> 00:34:36,089
It can't be just...chance.
632
00:34:36,169 --> 00:34:37,728
I don't accept that.
633
00:34:37,809 --> 00:34:40,529
When the black symbiote attaches itself
to Spider-Man's suit,
634
00:34:40,609 --> 00:34:43,488
it's because a meteor's
crashing to Earth.
635
00:34:43,569 --> 00:34:47,563
And meteors hitting the Earth
is pure maths, not religion.
636
00:34:47,649 --> 00:34:48,446
Spider-Man isn't real!
637
00:34:48,529 --> 00:34:52,284
There's as much proof for him
as there is for God.
638
00:34:54,969 --> 00:34:58,360
And finally, ladies and gentlemen,
this young man will awake
639
00:34:58,449 --> 00:35:01,840
and believe he has never
been hypnotised at all.
640
00:35:01,929 --> 00:35:04,569
You have seen
the evidence yourselves,
641
00:35:04,649 --> 00:35:09,678
but he will believe that I offer him £50
to pretend he was hypnotised,
642
00:35:09,769 --> 00:35:14,924
and behave in the manner
you have all witnessed.
643
00:35:18,489 --> 00:35:19,764
And...
644
00:35:21,089 --> 00:35:22,762
..wake!
645
00:35:25,729 --> 00:35:29,325
Tell the good people, truthfully,
646
00:35:29,409 --> 00:35:32,800
have you been hypnotised
this evening?
647
00:35:32,889 --> 00:35:34,243
What, really?
648
00:35:34,329 --> 00:35:38,403
Yes, the truth,
and nothing but the truth.
649
00:35:39,489 --> 00:35:41,720
Well, no. You offered me
50 quid to pretend.
650
00:35:41,809 --> 00:35:43,528
CHEERING
651
00:35:43,609 --> 00:35:44,759
He did!
652
00:35:47,649 --> 00:35:49,481
He's a fuckin' phoney!
653
00:35:55,249 --> 00:35:57,844
Is that a wedding ring
on your finger?
654
00:35:59,529 --> 00:36:01,760
He's not the possessive type,
655
00:36:01,849 --> 00:36:04,239
if that's what you're wondering.
656
00:36:06,649 --> 00:36:09,483
It's a good job.
Were it painful?
657
00:36:09,569 --> 00:36:11,288
No. They froze it at first.
658
00:36:11,369 --> 00:36:14,521
I'm only just getting
the feeling back.
659
00:36:14,609 --> 00:36:17,124
So, do you see any
problems for future...
660
00:36:17,209 --> 00:36:18,279
you know?
661
00:36:18,369 --> 00:36:20,088
What's sauce for the goose, Stanley.
662
00:36:21,689 --> 00:36:23,408
Funny, though...
663
00:36:23,489 --> 00:36:24,969
he seems a little lonely.
664
00:36:25,049 --> 00:36:26,802
Like he's lost his friend.
665
00:36:26,889 --> 00:36:28,118
He doesn't have to be.
666
00:36:28,209 --> 00:36:31,919
They gave me it in a jar,
for safekeeping. As a keepsake.
667
00:36:32,009 --> 00:36:35,286
SHE GAGS
Yvonne? I thought it'd be funny!
668
00:36:39,169 --> 00:36:40,603
Can I have a word?
669
00:36:40,689 --> 00:36:42,681
Are you sure? Karen's just over there.
670
00:36:42,769 --> 00:36:43,839
Yeah, I know.
671
00:36:46,049 --> 00:36:49,645
You're a nice lad, Jamie,
but let's be honest.
672
00:36:49,729 --> 00:36:52,961
You did hit a few branches
of the ugly tree on the way down.
673
00:36:53,049 --> 00:36:56,759
Look, I appreciate your candour, but
the text message wasn't meant for you.
674
00:36:58,569 --> 00:37:00,128
Karen, Kelly.
675
00:37:00,209 --> 00:37:02,201
Next to each other
in me address book.
676
00:37:02,289 --> 00:37:05,885
I thought Karen was angry with me, I was
trying to give her a bit of a giggle.
677
00:37:05,969 --> 00:37:07,801
Right(!)
678
00:37:07,889 --> 00:37:11,883
And I'm guessing you look like this
because you're trying to put me off?
679
00:37:11,969 --> 00:37:14,643
Very admirable,
being so loyal to our kid.
680
00:37:14,729 --> 00:37:16,004
Right...
681
00:37:17,089 --> 00:37:19,445
So I can take this
boot polish off me tooth?
682
00:37:19,529 --> 00:37:21,885
Dunno. Kind of suits you.
683
00:37:23,289 --> 00:37:25,281
SHE LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY
684
00:37:25,369 --> 00:37:26,598
GRUNTING
685
00:37:34,529 --> 00:37:36,122
Fuckin' hell!
686
00:37:36,209 --> 00:37:38,440
Ooh! Ooh!
687
00:37:38,529 --> 00:37:41,089
Oh, you...
688
00:37:41,169 --> 00:37:43,729
From the first minute
I laid eyes on you,
689
00:37:43,809 --> 00:37:46,199
you're so, so...
690
00:37:46,289 --> 00:37:47,803
Yeah?
691
00:37:47,889 --> 00:37:50,165
Oh, so...motherly.
692
00:37:51,209 --> 00:37:52,359
What?
693
00:37:55,249 --> 00:37:57,480
So...maternal.
694
00:37:57,569 --> 00:38:00,641
The way your breasts have
fallen that little bit.
695
00:38:00,729 --> 00:38:02,561
The broadness of your hips.
696
00:38:02,649 --> 00:38:04,845
The stretch marks on your belly.
697
00:38:04,929 --> 00:38:08,969
Ooh, it's such a turn-on
to think that you grew a babby.
698
00:38:13,409 --> 00:38:14,843
Are you feeding?
699
00:38:17,049 --> 00:38:20,087
Cos I think I could go again,
if you could lactate.
700
00:38:20,169 --> 00:38:21,728
KNOCK ON DOOR
(Woman) Damien?
701
00:38:21,809 --> 00:38:22,845
(Quietly) Fuck!
702
00:38:22,929 --> 00:38:24,329
- Damien?
- Oh, fuck!
703
00:38:24,409 --> 00:38:26,082
KNOCK ON DOOR
704
00:38:26,169 --> 00:38:28,320
What you doing?
705
00:38:28,409 --> 00:38:30,765
In here.
706
00:38:34,609 --> 00:38:36,248
You fucking bastard!
707
00:38:36,329 --> 00:38:39,800
You promised - no more MILFs.
708
00:38:39,889 --> 00:38:44,805
To think I spend my nights clucking
like a fucking chicken for you!
709
00:38:45,889 --> 00:38:47,005
I'm sorry.
710
00:38:47,089 --> 00:38:48,443
What?
711
00:38:48,529 --> 00:38:50,486
She could never be with an 'airy guy?
712
00:38:50,569 --> 00:38:52,606
That's what she said.
713
00:38:52,689 --> 00:38:54,885
No, I didn't, that's what she said.
714
00:38:54,969 --> 00:38:57,564
I was just repeating what he told Kelly.
715
00:38:57,649 --> 00:38:59,129
Told Kelly what?
716
00:38:59,209 --> 00:39:03,362
That hairy women were a turn-off.
"Pig in a skirt," he said.
717
00:39:03,449 --> 00:39:05,168
He were talking about Janine.
718
00:39:05,249 --> 00:39:06,922
New girl at Lillian's.
719
00:39:07,009 --> 00:39:10,559
Head of hair on her like she's
caught her piercing in a socket.
720
00:39:10,649 --> 00:39:13,767
Looks like the love-child of
Amy Winehouse and Russell Brand.
721
00:39:13,849 --> 00:39:15,681
All that fucking hair?
722
00:39:15,769 --> 00:39:17,601
It's the biggest turn-off going.
723
00:39:17,689 --> 00:39:19,487
About as sexy as a pig in a skirt.
724
00:39:19,569 --> 00:39:21,401
Oh.
725
00:39:21,489 --> 00:39:24,209
Maybe you should concentrate on
your own relationship.
726
00:39:24,289 --> 00:39:27,646
Not exactly bench-mark
communication, is it? Text messages.
727
00:39:29,889 --> 00:39:33,360
I don't care if he makes a point.
You're not supposed to ask questions.
728
00:39:33,449 --> 00:39:34,883
Night. Thanks for that.
729
00:39:38,129 --> 00:39:41,440
It wouldn't be appropriate.
They might not know it,
730
00:39:41,529 --> 00:39:43,168
but I'm wrong, and they're right.
731
00:39:45,929 --> 00:39:47,158
Good lad.
732
00:39:49,769 --> 00:39:51,601
You spilled something on your dress.
733
00:40:16,249 --> 00:40:17,683
Good night?
734
00:40:20,089 --> 00:40:21,967
Not particularly.
735
00:40:25,769 --> 00:40:28,523
I do try, Monica.
736
00:40:30,369 --> 00:40:31,883
Best as I'm able.
737
00:40:31,969 --> 00:40:33,847
I know.
738
00:40:35,169 --> 00:40:39,368
I mean, sometimes...you know,
I lash out,
739
00:40:39,449 --> 00:40:42,726
get me defence in
before the attack comes.
740
00:40:44,329 --> 00:40:45,763
I might...
741
00:40:48,009 --> 00:40:51,207
..misjudge it...on occasion.
742
00:40:56,049 --> 00:40:57,768
I'm sorry.
743
00:41:02,169 --> 00:41:03,125
I know.
744
00:41:15,489 --> 00:41:17,924
Whatever it is,
745
00:41:18,009 --> 00:41:19,602
don't let it swamp you, Mon.
746
00:41:21,849 --> 00:41:23,283
I won't.
747
00:41:25,689 --> 00:41:29,126
Frank, can you just...
748
00:41:30,169 --> 00:41:31,125
..hold me.
749
00:41:35,689 --> 00:41:36,918
Please?
750
00:41:58,649 --> 00:42:01,642
Stop poking me in the back!
751
00:42:01,729 --> 00:42:03,402
I'm not poking you.
752
00:42:05,569 --> 00:42:07,845
I've got the horn, that's all.
753
00:42:17,809 --> 00:42:21,883
I am gonna ride you
754
00:42:21,969 --> 00:42:23,801
till you cry,
755
00:42:23,889 --> 00:42:25,403
Frank Gallagher.
756
00:42:25,489 --> 00:42:27,162
Fair enough.
757
00:42:35,169 --> 00:42:37,445
HE GROANS
Wait, wait. Get a condom.
758
00:42:37,529 --> 00:42:39,168
I'm not coming. My nipple stings.
759
00:42:46,769 --> 00:42:47,759
Ahh!
760
00:42:47,849 --> 00:42:49,568
Ohh!
761
00:42:51,769 --> 00:42:55,046
Do you think they're humping or
dressing each other's wounds?
762
00:42:55,129 --> 00:42:56,245
Dunno.
763
00:42:58,049 --> 00:42:59,529
I know, I know.
764
00:42:59,609 --> 00:43:01,805
No, I need to get off.
765
00:43:01,889 --> 00:43:04,723
Feels like you're scrubbing
my muff with steel wool.
766
00:43:04,809 --> 00:43:07,324
LAUGHTER
767
00:43:08,409 --> 00:43:09,968
I've learnt my lesson, though.
768
00:43:10,049 --> 00:43:11,324
What?
769
00:43:11,409 --> 00:43:14,004
Don't interfere in
other people's love lives?
770
00:43:14,089 --> 00:43:15,569
Fuck, no.
771
00:43:15,649 --> 00:43:18,164
That's one of the few true
pleasures left to a woman.
772
00:43:20,249 --> 00:43:21,649
So what's the lesson?
773
00:43:23,009 --> 00:43:26,889
Buy ear-plugs when
Mandy's got a bloke over.
774
00:43:26,969 --> 00:43:28,198
Ohh!
775
00:43:28,289 --> 00:43:30,360
GIGGLING AND GROANING
776
00:43:37,609 --> 00:43:40,647
Do you wanna shag,
drown out the noise?
777
00:43:40,729 --> 00:43:41,685
Yeah.
778
00:43:43,969 --> 00:43:47,804
Oh, no, no! You're too hairy.
No! Get off me!
779
00:43:53,809 --> 00:43:56,643
So what is it you've got
to tell me in such a rush?
780
00:43:56,729 --> 00:43:58,846
What the fuck are you doing?
781
00:43:58,929 --> 00:44:00,124
Sorry.
782
00:44:00,209 --> 00:44:02,804
I thought... I mean...
783
00:44:02,889 --> 00:44:04,926
You should enjoy the view while you can.
784
00:44:05,009 --> 00:44:06,204
How d'you mean?
785
00:44:06,289 --> 00:44:07,723
I'm expecting.
786
00:44:08,649 --> 00:44:10,845
Don't worry, it's not yours.
787
00:44:10,929 --> 00:44:12,648
You're good, but you're not that good.
788
00:44:13,769 --> 00:44:15,203
I'm 12 weeks gone.
789
00:44:15,289 --> 00:44:17,520
More's the pity. I liked you.
790
00:44:17,609 --> 00:44:19,965
So what have you got to tell me?
791
00:44:20,049 --> 00:44:21,529
'S not important.
792
00:44:24,489 --> 00:44:27,243
He's a lucky bloke, you know,
this baby's dad.
793
00:44:27,329 --> 00:44:30,243
Yeah. He is.
794
00:44:58,050 --> 00:44:59,040
How are you?
795
00:45:06,130 --> 00:45:10,090
There was a young womanfrom Chatsworth
796
00:45:10,170 --> 00:45:13,322
Who had dreams,ambitions and other stuff
797
00:45:13,410 --> 00:45:17,643
But she lost her good cheerand ended up here...
798
00:45:17,730 --> 00:45:19,403
So she could probably just
799
00:45:19,490 --> 00:45:21,049
do what she wants now,
800
00:45:21,130 --> 00:45:24,806
and look after herself,cos every other bastard does.
801
00:45:24,890 --> 00:45:26,643
I know it don't rhyme,
802
00:45:26,730 --> 00:45:30,246
but poems don't have to, do they?Not these days.
803
00:46:10,330 --> 00:46:11,480
Enough?
804
00:46:11,570 --> 00:46:14,210
More. I'm doubling up from now on.
57465
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