Original subtitles

(TAPPING)

Anyone watching, thinking we know fuck all about knowing fuck all about owt

needs to watch their back.

So you've had your Labour, reclassifying skunk, sending prices sky-high,

literally...literally taking the grass from its own roots.

Now you've got your ConDemNation,

Liberals noshing Tories like altar boys picking dimps up!

Have we had a national fucking stroke or what?

Is "revolution" a word or was it never?

Anybody watching needs to know,

we cope better than average with irony in Chatsworth.

Well, for fuck's sake, we live in Manchester, and they charge us for water!

I wandered lonely as a clown, necking mushrooms rarely found.

This green and pleasant land in ancient times.

Yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak!

It's not theirs any more.

This is our England now.

Pa-a-a-arty!

(# LOUD TECHNO MUSIC)

MIMI: Every uncle or auntie I had

swore blind that they saw the Beatles play the Cavern.

And you couldn't move down Mathew Street for people that claimed

they spat at Johnny Rotten or danced to Joy Division down at Eric's.

But not me. I was too young for those bands.

I always felt that I was never in the right place at the right time.

I never saw The Beatles, the Pistols or Joy Division.

My time was different.

(# WHAM!: Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go)

# You put the boom-boom into my heart

# You send my soul sky-high when your loving starts... #

BILLY: Mimi? Mimi?

Mimi?

Mimi! You all right?

Never better, sweetheart.

MIMI: I always seem to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

- (# TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS) - (CROWD CHEERS)

- Thought you'd called it a night. - No way.

You know me, I'm one of the original 24-hour party people.

What's up?

See anything wrong with this picture?

What picture?

Jesus, babe, we're different from them. So what?

"Different" doesn't last. "The same" lasts.

It's all about you and me, remember? Fuck the rest.

Come on, are you up for some more?

God, yeah.

Do you know what? On second thoughts...

You've just had a couple of lines and a pill.

Baking soda and aspirin. Come on, let's go home.

OK, if that's what you want.

(CROWD CHEER NEXT DOOR)

Southern Cemetery followed by a memorial lunch at the Midland. Could be nice.

No, we're going to St Pat's, and that's the end of it.

They have the shortest mass in Manchester.

Like fucking vultures, you two. The Funeral Crashers.

- It's a social responsibility. - It's a free lunch.

It's a buzz. You never know what's going to happen at a funeral,

all that pent-up frustration and years of resentment and bitterness,

the Yin and Yang of familial love and hate.

You're very strange, Mrs Croker, if you don't mind me saying.

I consider it a compliment.

Looking well, both.

- Thank you. - Considering.

Yeah, all right, Lillian. We get the message.

Time to make tracks. Got to get there early if we want a decent seat.

She's keen.

The deceased was a close personal friend.

Whatever you say.

- (DOOR SHUTS) - What's up with your face?

Everyone keeps banging on about how well we're doing.

Well, we are.

There you go.

You said it'd take years off.

Er...hairdresser, not a supplier of miracles.

Could get a little work done. Not uncommon these days.

Upstairs or down?

Er...downstairs is as good as new, thank you very much.

Me and my mister are hand in glove.

I only ask cos the older woman sometimes has a lift down below.

Tightens things up for the new tenant.

Demi, our Babs, Liz Taylor... You've gotta love the cougars.

You're not saying all those girls

- have had the... - God, no!

Liz couldn't, not with her back.

- And the fact she is dead. - Oh, sorry, and there is that.

And when they did Joany, they made a lickle person from the excess,

and that's how we've got Simon Cowell.

What do you think I'd need?

A head transplant.

Enough with the fucking wisecracks. I'm serious here.

About cosmetic surgery? You're in your prime, Meems.

I'm gonna lose him. Maybe not now, but sometime.

- What's he done? - Who?

- Billy. - Nothing.

If that little fucker is dipping his wick, I'll just...

He isn't. He hasn't done anything.

It's not him, it's me.

I can't be everything he needs.

These sandwiches taste of feet.

Anyone for a top-up?

Oh, no, thank you. No, I really couldn't. Any more sherry, I'll be shitting doilies.

I'll have some.

Incoming at nine o'clock.

Insurance salesman, I'm thinking, or ambulance chaser.

We might get a free pen.

Afternoon, ladies. Thank you for coming.

- Wouldn't have missed it for the world. - Indeed.

Did you know Irene well?

Oh, very close, we were, at one time.

Who's Irene?

The lady who passed away so tragically.

So, when were you close?

Back in the day, in the '60s. Too long ago to remember.

No, please.

I'd love you to try. It's wonderful, meeting people who knew my mum.

Your...your mum?

Oh, well. Er...she loved travel, your...your mother.

She did, especially in the '60s.

We travelled together...all over,

across Europe, North America...

I hope you don't mind,

but since we only brought my mother back from Austria yesterday,

would you mind saying a few words?

No!

That's something you should do, surely.

Well, she left when I was two. She only got back in touch last year.

Someone like you could say so much more.

Oh!

Thanks.

(MIC FEEDS BACK)

I knew Irene, of course.

(LAUGHS) Why wouldn't I?

A kind woman.

A good woman.

Church-going till the end.

Jewish, of course, which is still a religion.

Er...we were together at...

...the Prague Spring.

Oh, yes.

Facing down the might of the Soviet empire.

And then, of course...

there was Woodstock.

(LAUGHTER)

Mm.

Mm, summat smells good.

Your favourite.

Shepherd's pie?

Your second favourite.

Oh, curry.

Pizza.

Sweet.

I thought we could have a quiet night in, the two of us and a film.

(LAUGHS)

I thought you were being serious then, for a minute.

I am.

Oh, right. Yeah, I'd love to.

- Can I ask you something? - Fire away.

What's your favourite book?

Batman.

If there was an election tomorrow, who would you vote for?

Nobody. Politics is boring.

World events and stuff?

Makes me sleepy. I don't care.

Oh, there's a dubstep all-nighter on in town. I said we might go.

You could go on your own. I mean, we don't have to do everything together.

But you said that's the secret to a happy relationship.

Maybe I was wrong. Go out, have a great time.

(WOMAN MOANS)

(BOTH MOAN)

(WOMAN MOANS)

- Sorry. Did I wake you? - Er...no.

Couldn't sleep.

- Is everything all right? - My mind working overtime, that's all.

- Did you get off with anyone? - What? No,

- course not. - Did you?

No!

- Kiss anyone? - Fuck off!

I wouldn't even look at anyone else.

I think it's about time you did.

What?

I'll keep it safe until your dad comes back for it, yeah?

No worries.

40 quid by the end of the week or it'll be on eBay, understand?

Sorted.

- So this friend... - Of a friend.

Friend of a friend. She wants him to shag around, tells him to go for it?

- Yeah. - (SNORTS)

It's every man's dream, innit, having a bird pushing him to spread his seed?

Fuck, tell him to fill his boots!

Of course, it means she's splitting up with him.

No, she wants them to stay together.

She's dumping him. If your mate can't see that, he's a muppet.

Either that or she's already doing someone herself.

Ah, what do you want for it?

KELLY:..."Shall I get you a priest?"

The little lad, wiping away his tears says,

"No! Sex is the last thing on my mind!"

(LAUGHS)

I hope that's a fucking money tree. We could do with one.

It's a cherry.

I thought we could plant it together in memory of...

We'd have somewhere where we could go to think of her.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

There's your pal's lad.

Oh, crap.

Hello, ladies, I hope you don't mind. I tried a few places.

Nice work, Sherlock.

It's just...I've so many questions about my mother.

- My memory's not what it was. - Any scraps from the table.

Well, from what I can gather, she did do Paul McCartney,

but Bobby Charlton is just a rumour.

...A pale ale as well. That's really good.

And it's good for you, full of iron.

- I don't know if she likes me or not. - No, but I didn't like...

- Fuck's going on? - All right, Billy?

Is it him? Are you doing him? Is that what this is about?

What are you on about?

- I'm not fucking having it! - Calm yourself, fella.

Ah! Fuck, I think I've broke my hand!

- Are you all right? - Stop talking to him!

Shut the fuck up, you. You're an embarrassment. I'm so sorry about this.

What did he do that for?

I'm only trying to do what's right, you know.

I can't pretend it never happened.

And I won't live every day like it just has.

Where the fuck are you going?

I was saving stuff...

...putting a little bit aside, ever since the first scan.

Nicked some copper wire from Maine Road for this...

...and the snow suit.

It's beautiful stuff.

Proper quality gear. We could sell it.

It's got to be 100 quid's worth. It's a night out at the very least.

I really can't tell you what a tonic this is.

Yes.

You see, I always hated her for abandoning us and what she did to my father,

but you paint a picture of a woman who was living life to the full.

I really do now have to be going.

Thank you.

Goodbye.

It makes me feel somehow better about it,

inheriting money from a woman I barely knew,

a houseful of possessions.

Perhaps I could stay for just one more.

There's so much to tell.

Does that make you feel better?

What goes on in your head?

Are you having an affair? Do you want shot of me?

No, and no.

What's going on, then?

I'm struggling to see the common ground, baby. It worries me.

Common ground?

- I mean like... - I know what it means.

I like Batman, I like all graphic novels.

They're works of art.

And I wouldn't vote in the election cos politics is bollocks.

It's all bought and paid for in advance.

You vote for whatever cunt offends you least.

You think you married a gimp or summat?

I'm sorry if I offended you.

Doesn't change the problem, though.

I'm going for a drink, on my own.

(FLAMES CRACKLE)

Marty?

I don't want another baby wearing this stuff.

Sorry.

I just blurted it out. I thought a night out would do us good.

I'll get a sub off Lillian. That'll see us right.

Compliments on a postcard, please, ladies.

You don't think it's a bit OTT for a job interview?

I mean, at your age.

Making the most of her assets.

Your dad's not earning, so it's down to your mum to bring in the bacon.

I am stuffed into this.

- Too much? - Not enough, in my humble.

Designed to hypnotise, cleavage. It's what God intended.

Too low?

If I was a fella...

I'd ride you.

Don't know if I'd give you a job, but I would definitely ride you.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

What are you so nervous about?

I hate job interviews. I get all sweaty, I crumble.

You're smart.

Not when people are judging me, looking at me.

Hate it, always have done.

Right. What's the damage?

Oh, it'll save till you get your first pay packet.

And you'll do it just like this tomorrow?

I'll have you skipping down the street to that interview, looking a million dollars.

Right! Best get out of this, hang it up.

Get off!

(LAUGHTER AND CHATTER)

Some guys don't like how their missus looks in the morning, but I love it,

little puffy eyes adjusting like a little chipmunk.

I can suck a banana right out of its skin,

no hands.

Hello, Daddy.

She was dry-humping him like a horny schoolie!

- She is a horny schoolie. - Is there any other kind?

I don't see what's so funny here.

Your brand-new, out-of-the-box husband was firing into another woman.

I told him to.

I was gonna take a fucking drill to his head, but I thought, "No.

"You know what? You might want..."

What did you just say?

- I told him to. It was my idea. - It's true.

I don't understand either, so don't ask. I don't want it.

I want us to see other people. I want an open relationship.

- It's not right. - It's disgusting.

I think it's a great idea.

Excellent, enter the Daily fucking Bugle.

Don't it make you feel guilty about what you're doing?

Not a bit. I've earned it.

You're taking his inheritance off him.

He won't miss something he's never had.

And if he gets some relief from knowing that his mother didn't entirely hate him,

may even have had some affection for him,

I'd say it's money well spent.

You're meant to be setting an example for us. We're impressionable.

- Mm. - You are a bollocks.

You haven't been impressionable

since you bought your first pack of 20 king-size, aged seven.

And her. Huh! You can act like Lady Muck all you please.

You have pram-face written all over you.

You really are horrible.

- Oh. - (KNOCK AT DOOR)

(TUTS)

My advice to you is watch and learn.

You won't always be jailbait, and then what'll you do?

# The best things in life are free

# But you can give them to the birds and bees

# I want money

# That's what I want

# That's what I want

# That's what I want

# Your love gives me such a thrill... #

- I thought we were going into town. - Yeah, we are.

Yeah, it's just a little livener, a swift voddy to line us guts.

- Just you and me? - Cross my heart.

Cheer up. We'll have a great night.

It's been ages since we've all been out together.

You sure you're all right with this, mate?

Yeah. Course.

Hey, you've got to admire the girl. She's doing great.

- Yeah. - KELLY: Oh, Manchester!

- Is wonderful! - Is wonderful!

Oh, Manchester is wonderful!

(THEY SHOUT AND CHANT)

I'm forward planning.

I'm being proactive to nip future problems in the bud.

What future problems?

There's a quarter of a century between us.

I don't want to be looking over my shoulder all the time,

waiting for that to bite me on the arse.

And the solution is for him to shag other women?

Amongst other things.

I can't be all women to Billy, and it'd be humiliating to try.

There's stuff in his life where I don't fit in, and vice versa.

You know, that is a very healthy attitude.

I mean, people just...

they get hung up about sex.

It just gets in the way of everything.

- What the fuck's that for? - Cos I can't fucking slap her.

That's where you come in, son.

He's reluctant. You're my son, and I trust you.

And that's why I want you to take your stepfather out and get him laid.

Now, there is a sentence I never thought I'd hear when I woke up this morning.

Sorry. I'll slow up.

You do realise, don't you?

There's not a court in this land that'd convict,

if I chopped the fucking lot of you up right now.

Please, son.

I'll do it.

I'll do it on one condition.

You do it too.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYS)

Here you are. What about her?

Too obvious.

All right, her?

She's taller than I am.

Her?

She's got an Adam's apple.

I don't care whether it's a one-legged, Geordie, fucking dwarf

with a glass eye and a ginger beard.

I don't care whether it's a bloke.

You're shagging someone before the night's out. So, who do you wanna ride?

I wanna ride your mum.

I cannot get used to a world where that is not an insult.

(# SNOOP DOGG: Sweat)

- Excuse me? - Bum boys!

It's not really what I had in mind, this.

Stop planning and start living. Come on!

Kelly, please. Fucking don't!

- (BOTTLE SMASHES) - What's got into you?

Just fuck off!

- Don't start all that! - I can't help it.

Feeling all sorry for yourself. Making it about you.

I'm dealing with it.

It's time you did.

Fuck!

MIMI: I hate these places. Always feel like I stand out.

Why blend in? Where's the fun in that?

It's all right for you.

You always manage to pull off the kind of casual-trampy look.

I'm a bit more...reserved.

Yeah, that's the word that springs to mind, reserved.

Oi!

You're not a Catholic schoolgirl nowadays.

You need to flaunt the goodies.

Well, hello!

I haven't done this in fucking years.

Now, listen, don't get carried away

if you get a lot of attention early on, all right?

Course. Why?

To avoid disappointment.

Some of them might be chatting you up strategically.

- Are you saying I'm the ugly mate? - No!

Just be realistic.

I will.

Realistically, a woman your age

shouldn't try to get away with wearing a dress like that.

You look like a turkey stuffed in a stocking.

Oh!

Thank you for a lovely meal.

The pleasure was all mine.

I'll see you tomorrow for the reading of the will?

You must think I'm pathetic.

A man my age all curious about his mother.

We all want to know from whence we came.

Talking to you helps me understand her more, why she did the things she did.

Could I stay?

Sorry?

Please?

Or...or you could stay at mine.

I just want to be with you, that's all. It's like part of her.

No, not to...not tonight.

I never had a mother. You don't know what that's like,

to...to find her and then lose her again.

Yes, and...and I'm sure Walt Disney will be making a film about it very soon,

but I have heard enough. Thank you.

I'd like you to leave.

I have them every other weekend. I'm on really good terms with my ex.

The divorce must have been awful for you.

Yeah, not the best.

You OK there, Mimi?

Yeah, great.

There's got to be a dance floor in here somewhere.

Er...yeah, up the stairs.

I really fancy throwing some shapes.

I'm sure there'll be a line-up of guys can't wait to get on the floor with you.

I'll stay here with Mimi, if that's OK with you.

Sound.

Right, I'll get some more drinks in.

Off you trot to the dance floor, turkey.

Choosing you over me qualifies as a fetish.

You know that, don't you?

Gobble, gobble, gobble.

I might just do that.

(CHUCKLES)

(# FAITHLESS: Insomnia)

I know what you're going through, you know.

Before Letitia finally came along, we...

It wasn't easy. Avril didn't leave the house for weeks.

Kelly seems to be coping OK, though.

Well, she's not OK! She's fucking not!

Didn't mean anything.

Get the fuck off her!

(CHEERING)

- Was that so bad? - No.

Do you need me to accompany you to the bedroom?

- No. - You can if you want.

I don't think I could afford the therapy, love.

Just make sure you ride him good, will you?

God almighty!

- What...what's going on? - Nothing.

What are you doing here?

I wanted to see you sleeping.

Why?

I've done all right. I'm leading a decent life.

Good job. No wife yet, but there's time.

I'm proud of where I've got to.

As you should be.

I should be very fucked up, with everything that was done to me.

I need to know why she left.

I need you to leave this house.

I won't hurt you.

Oh, I know that, but... you have to go.

Yeah.

Cheers.

- Fuck me, you're a smooth one. - Not really.

Listen, I'm no expert.

You only have to ask my ex-wives.

But something's not right here. What's going on?

I'm married. Happily.

You can't be that happy.

- We're trying an open relationship. - So, this...

Is the only thing I can think of

to keep me and my fella together in the long term.

There's an age issue.

I don't want it looming over us in the years to come.

And you really don't want to sleep with other men?

But we've both got to do it or it won't work, you see?

Bizarrely, I think I do.

Pity. I can peel a satsuma with this tongue.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Where is he? Where the fuck is he?

Ugh!

- (ELASTIC SNAPS) - Oh!

(ANNOUNCEMENT ON TANNOY)

(WHISPERS) Come on!

(WHISPERS) Fuck!

Avril Powell?

Ha-ha.

(ANNOUNCEMENT ON TANNOY)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

What a night. I don't even remember getting home, though.

You woke the whole house, needing money for the taxi.

You owe me ten... £20.

Jesus! What happened to you?

Oh, yeah, I remember now.

(RADIO PLAYS IN BACKGROUND)

Where are you going?

What do you care?

Huh. I don't, really.

I used to think you were a victim of circumstance,

and now I can see you're just stupid.

Stupid?

Like the bloke whose grief you're ripping off?

Got your mitts in the will yet?

Doesn't look that bad.

I'm a fucking peanut smuggler. You could hang your trilby off these.

Oh, behave! I have breasts and an arse and a muff.

This shouldn't be news to you.

In my first job, it was considered a privilege

to be bent over the boss's desk for a spanking.

Oh, the things that feminism's robbed us of, eh?

Though if it had been a bloke doing the interview, you'd be on Easy Street by now.

Maybe you blew her away in the chat.

Let me see.

Once we established I had no relevant qualifications or experience to speak of,

- a subject we kept returning to... - Why did they have you in,

- if you had nothing to offer? - That's exactly what she said.

"Precisely what do you have to offer?"

Well, the thing is, I...

What would you say is your breast quality?

- Pardon? - Your breast quality.

My best quality? Just nipple.

Oh, dear! How embarrassing.

You think?

Look, I'm good.

And I'm fucking clever.

But if paper-smart's what counts,

there's a bucketful out in the corridor fit the bill better.

Look, there's plenty more jobs in the sea.

I look forward to the ritual humiliation.

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello?

Mum.

Jesus, Tish! My knickers have hardly hit the floor.

It's the hospital on the phone. They're offering you the job.

Fuck off. That's not funny.

It's true.

Hello?

(RADIO PLAYS IN BACKGROUND)

She said she admired my honesty, plain speaking.

You are...looking at... a trainee pharmacist assistant.

- Whoo-hoo! - Cheers, Avril.

- Cheers, Avril. Well done, hon. - You have got a job!

Oh-ho!

Good morning.

Oh, don't, mate. Honestly. Don't fucking talk to me.

My head is full up, there's no more room.

Thank you.

My pleasure.

You shag her?

Yeah, all night.

Inside out, and upside down.

Come on! This is just getting tasteless now.

You really did it?

I did it for us.

- You're a very lucky man. - Fuck off.

- You? - I shagged her.

I haven't washed, to prove it.

Oh, don't!

I am fucking serious, right?

I can't take this any more.

Not another fucking word.

Did he try and pork you? You read about such things.

Folk have a fetish for the horrific.

There was no...porking, attempted or otherwise.

Blackmail him, or call the cops. He's a paedophile.

No, the opposite of a paedophile.

I can be unkind to you sometimes.

But you are conclusive proof

that modern culture is rotting the brains of our youth.

- We could ask Jamie to sort him out. - No.

He's got something coming, love.

You can't stroke a lady's hairnet and get away with it.

May I?

Please.

- I'm sorry. - No need.

- You have to understand that... - I do.

A mother's love is important.

All those gobshites over there think I'm about to rip money out of your pocket,

but I'm not.

I couldn't give a monkey's fart about the money.

I'll tell you the truth about your mother,

if you promise to leave here afterwards and never contact me again.

OK.

I have one further condition.

You said your mammy had a house full of possessions.

There is one item of sentimental value I would very much like to have.

It's an album of photographs.

Anything. I...I just need to know.

Her name was Irene Felice O'Donnell.

She was born 22nd August 1939,

not '42, as her birth certificate would attest.

She never loved your father.

Whatever you may think of him, he wasn't a nice man. A bully, aggressive.

She married him on the rebound from the love of her life.

That would be me.

I consider my time with your mummy the best days I ever had.

Rule one, never stay the night.

- Quick shag, then home. - Mm-hm.

- Two, always, always wear a johnny. - (WOLF-WHISTLING)

Nobody calls them johnnies any more.

(WOLF-WHISTLING)

Three, no shitting on your own doorstep.

I've suffered enough local humiliation.

No guys back to our marital bed. Don't need those pictures in my head.

Fair enough.

No-one over the age of 25. I'm your personal MILF.

(LAUGHS) No-one under the age of 35. I'm your spunky young lad.

This might actually work, you know.

- To be honest, I enjoyed it. - (BABY CRIES)

Oh! We've got a live one.

Come on, then. Oh, ah!

(BABY CRYING)

So, how was he, you old slapper?

What the fuck have I done, G?

But I thought it was your idea.

And it's the right idea.

Doesn't make it any easier, though.

I've not slept for 48 hours.

# Through my sleepless days I've found

# That in my dreamless sleep I'm bound

# To one night hear the sound of you calling

# Do not stumble through tonight

# Have no fear of falling

# And if nobody got lost

# And if no-one paid the cost

# The price of this, you may surmise

# Is forever after

# You won't stumble through tonight drowning in their laughter... #

It's all right, I've got it.

# You won't stumble through tonight drowning in their laughter. #

This isn't what anyone would have wanted, least of all me and Kelly.

It's easy to look back and think how things could have been different.

But what's harder is to look forward when something like this happens,

cos it's hard to imagine a future.

But we were blessed...

...me and Kelly were blessed.

Our baby's name was Cherry Belle.

She'll always be with us.

Thank you.

That's it now.

It's time to stop grieving, and start living.

Where are you going?

Well, it's time I got back on the horse, so to speak.

I'm taking a shift at work.

You can't.

I mean...

ain't it disrespectful...to the baby?

Oh, I'm shot to bits.

- So am I. Don't know if I'll last. - Oh, come on, babe.

I've been looking forward to this all day.

- It's your chapter. - Where did we stop?

Sirius Black has escaped from Azkaban,

and Ron and Hermione think he's coming after Harry.

MIMI: They say that you get your reward in heaven,

but they also say that time waits for no man, or woman.

And if you don't want to wait until you get to heaven,

then you have to grab what you can, when you can.

We can't wait for others to fail

or for them to succeed and give us what we need,

because our time here can be so short,

and we can't wait for the rest of the world to catch up.

So, if you're lucky and if you work at it and throw yourself into it,

then you might, just might, get your reward right here on earth.

(DOG BARKING OUTSIDE)

And that is how one peels a satsuma, using only the tongue.

We have got to go upstairs right now.

The night's young, Gloria.

I'm so wet, I might slip off my chair. Now!