Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language.

Taskmaster was recorded in accordance with all

social distancing guidelines in place at the time of filming.

Hello! I'm Greg Davies.

Welcome to Taskmaster.

In this show, I've been given absurd amounts of power,

truly obscene amounts of power.

The kind of power that, if placed in the wrong hands,

could very easily be abused.

What the contestants have to ask is, "Are these the wrong hands?

"And has the power been abused?"

YES!

The audience are watching from a safe distance,

which makes me very happy.

So, without further ado, let's meet those mighty warriors

fighting out to win my big, golden noggin!

Daisy May Cooper! APPLAUSE

Johnny Vegas! APPLAUSE

Katherine Parkinson! APPLAUSE

Mawaan Rizwan! APPLAUSE

And Richard Herring! APPLAUSE

And beside me, frustratingly out of reach, it's...

..little Alex Horne!

Thank you, Greg. How have you been?

I-I look great. OK.

Because of the new diet that I, like a lot of people, are on. OK.

The Tetris diet. I just eat shapes that tessellate, so...

Four sausages in the morning, they go straight down.

Cheese slices for lunch.

And then, lamb chops... for dinner.

And then, if they... if you complete a line, it disappears,

and you don't put on any weight.

Are you enjoying my... Tetris diet?

Is that the end of the story now? Story complete.

You've been eating Tetris food? Yes, yes.

Prize Task? Yeah. You know it, dude.

And this week... Oh, no. No.

Yeah, that's not going to fly.

You know it... Don't call me "dude".

And this week, they've been asked to bring in the best thing

with loads of holes in it.

The person that's brought in the best thing with loads of holes in it

will get five points and, at the end of the show,

the player with the most points

will take home a whole lot of holes, Greg. Yes.

I'm aware of how it works. Right!

Last week, nearly all of the prizes for the Prize Task

were extremely pedestrian.

Mawaan, what is your thing?

The best thing with holes in it that you've spent ages thinking about?

I recently become a godfather.

I thought it would be nice to crochet my godson a little bunny.

So that's what I've brought in. Here we go.

Aww!

Now, this is what it's meant to look like.

Um, this is what I managed.

So that is six hours of work.

Er... LAUGHTER CONTINUES

That... Sorry. Is that a genuine attempt?

That is genuinely me really trying.

I mean, that would scare the life out of the child, wouldn't it?

I don't know, man. I think, apart from the ears,

it's pretty uncanny.

What I like about it is it's original.

You've made a bit of an effort. Yeah.

R-R-Richard? Yes!

Honeycomb. Right.

Here it is. OK.

It's got lots of holes in it, and it's the best thing. Oh!

Oh, it's proper. Yeah.

Proper honeycomb that bees have made.

And that's made by insects, and it's still better than...

OK, all right. All right, Richard.

It's not bad. Thank you. It's got holes in it. Thank you.

Um, who is next? Daisy?

Let your imagination go wild.

Crumpets.

OK. Last place.

There it is. It's a crumpet. It has got holes in it.

You can never burn a crumpet in a toaster.

You can. Oh, OK. I did it.

I did it... I've never been challenged on that, so...

No, yeah, that's true, actually.

You can only do it... You have to do it twice to make it, yeah.

Yeah, it can pop up once.

I've got a crumpet setting on my toaster.

Ooh.

And I've got a new technique for buttering it.

You take quite a big lump of butter, pop it at the end of your knife...

..smear it round...

But that's how you butter everything... and let it melt.

No, no, because then... No.

No, then I remove the... I remove the large lump of butter.

I've just melted just enough on... Not much difference.

We've done a fairly good job of breathing a bit of life

into the fact that you've just brought a crumpet in.

Yeah, I mean, I didn't even have to say anything other than "crumpet".

Katherine? Yes, so I have a husband.

He did panto a few years ago,

and he played an ugly sister,

and so I'm presenting an item of his costume.

Ooh.

They are extra-large fishnet stockings in red, Greg.

What's special about them?

That they're made for a large man? They're made for a large man.

And, I mean, there are holes in them.

Quite big holes in them. Yeah.

And I was just trying to think outside the box, I suppose.

Pfft. But I don't think I've done very well, have I?

I told you about my buttering system, haven't I?

So we can't go to that.

They're generally considered to be a sexy garment, Greg.

I was trying to do that, yeah, be a bit sexy.

It doesn't do it for me.

Does it make you sexually aroused, Alex?

Yes. OK.

Yes, it does. That's why you're...

That's why I'm sat like this, yeah.

Oh, Jesus Christ. These are some of the worst ever.

Luckily... The worst ever.

Ten series. Incredible.

Still got Johnny's, though. Oh, yeah, go on.

You're not going to like it.

He might like it. If you've got an issue with crumpets...

It's a teabag. Oh, for fuck's sake.

It's the best thing with holes in it!

It's an integral part of our lives.

It paid for my first divorce.

But that one was pyramid-shaped.

I forgot about your tea past. Yeah. Now it's making sense. Yeah.

You said the "best" thing, not the "most inventive" thing.

The best thing with holes... No, I know. But it's all...

It's got lots of holes in it, Greg. Lots of holes.

I mean, maybe if you'd sold it harder,

the teabag would've done better.

Mate, I did five years doing that. Now no director will come near me.

OK. Here we go. What's the worst thing with holes in it?

Johnny's teabag.

Aww!

Really? Yeah. You'd do right to cheer.

- You'd do right. - I can't believe it!

It's only because I've got a bit of personal interest in crumpets...

..having recently revolutionised the buttering system

that you're even in with a shout, mate.

I am in a proper huff for the rest of the show.

One point and a huff for Johnny. Crumpet...

So crumpet in fourth place? Yeah, yeah. Two points to Daisy.

That's correct. Incredible.

Honeycomb, stockings - a bit different, isn't it? Yes!

Bit different. That's the most... Four points to Katherine.

It's a bit different, her husband wears stockings.

And they're very sexy. I'll take it! Yeah, good.

Awful rabbit wins.

Five points to Mawaan Rizwan! Awful rabbit wins!

Let's have a task proper and get this show started. OK, then.

And, almost too excitingly, it's the very first team task of the series!

Ooh!

Hi, Alex.

Oh... Hello, Daisy. Hello.

Just a quick chat before you do that? Yeah.

I just want to ask you about your outfit.

What would you like to ask?

Do you think you've made good choices? Um...

The stickers have kept falling off.

Um... but, yeah, I think Achievement Woman is quite apt.

I've achieved quite... quite a lot.

You look very nice. I do, don't I?

I feel gangster.

Please stand on your little box. Hey, mate.

This feels a bit Formula 1, doesn't it? Yeah, doesn't it?

Ah! Hi! Hey.

Hello. Oh, God!

You know this is my task? Do I? No, I don't know.

"One of you must mount the umpire's chair.

"The other two must stand on the spots by the piano.

"You have one minute to get into your positions.

"Your time starts now."

Right. Who's going where?

I suggest that I'm the closest to a heart attack,

so I should be the one sitting down. OK.

Do we open it together? Yeah, this one is a team task. OK.

Do you want to open it? Oh, my goodness. All right, ready?

You do that side. Ooh.

OK. Mawaan and Katherine,

please can you put on your ear-defenders?

And Johnny's going to open his task. Oh, I see.

And then you're going to do your one. Oh, OK. OK?

Right, good luck, Johnny.

Right. Um...

"Make one different noise for ten seconds every minute

"for 20 minutes.

"Each noise must be slightly louder than the last.

"And you must make no other noise during the 20 minutes.

"You must stay on this chair throughout the 20 minutes.

"Your time starts when Alex blows the whistle."

Happy with that?

Ten seconds, every minute for 20 minutes. All right.

Thanks, Johnny. Thank you, Alex.

OK, Mawaan, please read your task to Katherine.

"Find the treasure."

"Do not break the box."

"Fastest wins. Your time starts now."

I am not a crook!

Find the treasure... I am not a crook!

I am not a crook! You all right?

I am not a crook! I am not a crook!

Is that part of the task, that he's screaming?

I am not a crook!

No, I think that's just Johnny.

I've got two things.

One - Richard Herring walking into a room

causes a woman to shout, "Oh, God!"

That's my first observation.

He very calmly walked in, conducted himself very politely...

And secondly, Johnny Vegas sitting on an umpire's chair,

reciting words from disgraced US President Richard Nixon -

and no-one even questions that he's part of the task.

It was particularly hurtful!

They're going, "He's just being Johnny."

I mean, he literally was being Johnny. Yeah.

One team was filmed before social distancing, and one the other.

That's why some were on little boxes and somebody was up on a chair.

So we'll start with the team of two - that's Daisy and Richard,

who were allowed to get close to each other...

I'm not sure Daisy wants that.

Here they are.

There doesn't seem to be enough information. Let's see... Yes.

Have a look. Is there anything? Is there a little...?

I don't know if there's anything in there.

A spade. No. "Encyclopaedia 22."

Shall we go and have a look at that? Yes!

Oh, you clever man! Yes, yes!

Let's find what's inside Encyclopaedia 22.

22... What's it say?

Text to vasc.

Well, that means nothing.

There's a candle. Pinhole camera.

So, there was a hole in the box.

Was there? This is confusing.

Oh, hold on, what's this? What?

Oh! Ha-ha!

If it's on this page, let's have a look at this page. He said action.

What next? Action. What next again? Action, he said.

Francis Bacon. Do you think would be something to do with bacon?

I'll go back and look... Let me do this, you do that.

And I'll...

What's second and third boldest and yet boldest is

a child of its courage which are the greatest part ye.

Shall we just light that candle? Are, OK, good thinking.

Yes, good thinking.

It might be inside there. Yes. Might be something in there.

The key might be in there. Why don't we just bust it open?

Don't think it is but we could give it a go.

I might go and look and see if there's any bacon in the fridge.

Yes! Yes?

Have you found it? Yes! Brilliant!

I don't think it's the right key.

Is there going to be a series of keys? Do you think if we put...

Find the treasure. There's nothing in there.

What sort of torch is that, Richard? Halogen? Neon?

I don't know what that's called. Ultraviolet.

Ultraviolet. Which means...

There! In here!

Why are you looking at that book? Because it was...

Don't make massive reference to it

if it's not going to hold any vital clues.

What massive reference did we make to it?

Well, that for starters. What does that say? Encyclopaedia 22.

And what does your book say?

Oh! Here we go, here we go, I've found something.

Doormat, doormat.

Doormat.

Here we go. We took our time.

Right. Two doors. Two flaps.

Could it be the shed?

X. X marks the spot!

Hold on! Look! What?

So that's a pinhole camera.

We can look in the box. The box!

Well done.

OK, there's something written in there.

It says, pull sink.

Pull sink. Well, that's a sort of sink.

There's a sink in the bathroom.

Or a sink in the caravan. Oh, yeah.

Let's have a look at that.

Oh, here we go.

Yes?

Yes!

Pull the sink.

Right, it's got to be something in here, though, hasn't it,

because it's... Oh, this sink.

No. Yes.

Ha-ha! Yeah! Treasure!

Hooray! We're rich! We're rich!

Well done. Lovely stuff.

I wrote down that I think that Richard's demeanour

is that of someone on Bargain Hunt

who has been dragged along by a wife that hates him!

He seems to want to ingratiate himself with her

throughout the whole thing.

And Daisy's just shouting over the top of him!

"I'm going to..."

"Yes, I'll get it. I just wonder if it might be bacon?"

It's like an '80s sitcom!

And just like that, part one was gone!

Hello, everyone,

and welcome back to our action-packed show. Yes!

This show is like a massive suitcase that

I packed full to the brim with neatly folded action. Right, Greg?

Before the break, there was a treasure hunt team task going on.

Richard and Daisy found the treasure.

Will the others find it, too? And if so, will they find it faster?

Well, watch this and then you'll know.

Is there something in there?

Definitely empty, I think.

But the treasure could be, like, a piece of paper, couldn't it?

That's true. Gosh, you're clever.

HE CHATTERS LIKE A MONKEY Oh!

Oh, God! Someone!

Why he is he doing an impression of a monkey?

Oh, maybe he's doing, like, a hot and cold thing. Oh!

Or maybe his job is to distract us.

So, its fastest wins. OK. Oh!

I'm just going to go in the house.

Oh.

Oh, God.

Is there anything you need to tell me, Johnny?

HE BEEPS Typewriter?

I don't know what that means. Front...

But it might be something to do with the box. "Front side, backside."

And it says... What does the red line say?

It says, "Light ring, pinhole camera."

HE GASPS I know where this is!

Look, this is it!

Get it in the back of the van! Is that a clue?

Get it in the back of the van! Get it in the back of the van!

Well, what are we going to do with the camera?

Look inside the box! Yes, great, well done.

So, it says, "Pull sink."

"Pull sink." Should I pull the sink?

Pull sink. Pull sink.

No, I mean, that's a tub, isn't it?

There's a sink here, isn't there?

Is there another sink in here?

There's only a sink in the house.

Why is it locked?

Ah, you're going to have to find the key.

I think Johnny might have some information that we need.

I doubt it.

So, it says Encyclopaedia 22 on there.

Maybe there's a book in the shed.

Encyclopaedia 22.

Ah, blowtorch. Oh!

Found a candle. OK.

Going to take ages.

Fun, though.

Yes!

I found a key, Katherine. Wow!

It was in the candle. That's some next-level shit.

I've never used a blowtorch before.

I've always wanted to use it on baked Alaska.

Oh, great, great, great. OK.

So, pull sink, yeah? Yeah, I forgot what the mission was here.

Pull sink.

Pull sink!

Pull... sink.

Oh, is there another sink?

There's a toilet. Oh, I never knew that!

Oh, my God! We found it!

What is it? What is it? It's treasure! It's beautiful.

I've stopped the clock. Oh, wow.

Quite cheap treasure.

Lovely. Seemed like a very effective team, didn't they?

They sort of did, yeah.

You lost confidence in your initial decision

that Johnny was just making noises for the sake of it.

You started to think he was part of it for a while.

The commitment was there and it was there the whole time.

And you did display an amazing range of noises. I've got all 20 here.

Oh, good. "I am not a crook," then monkey noises,

sex noises, computer noises,

then nose noises, then he shouted, "Get your bodily thing"

a few times, we think.

A sort of boat noise, then he said, "I will, I will, I will,"

then "Chirp, chirp, chirp,"

then some raspberries, "Yah", "Moo", a fax machine, jazz music,

a car, a wasp, a ghost, sneezing hamster and then pain.

Yeah, and that all came from you. Mm.

Yeah, incredible. APPLAUSE

Without prompting.

I wrote down two quite contrasting quotations

about the key being in the candle.

One said, "Whoa, that's some next-level shit."

Yes, he did. It was.

I'm not familiar with youth speak,

but it feels to me that that should be reserved for, like,

a base jump or something like that.

No. It was impressive, man.

Would you like to hear the quote

I wrote down for Katherine about the same thing?

Yes, please.

"I've never...

"I've never used a blowtorch before.

"I always hoped I would use it on a baked Alaska."

We're peas in a pod.

Oh, God.

So, in terms of points, Greg... Yes.

..do you want to take Johnny in isolation?

Because he had a separate task, to do his 20 noises in 20 minutes.

Which I achieved. They didn't get increasingly loud, but they...

..he didn't miss one.

OK, because it didn't get louder, we shouldn't go...

HE CLICKS ..but we should go...

So previous-level shit. Four points. Four points. Yes. Yeah.

So it's two teams of two.

Daisy and Richard took 18 minutes and 55 seconds.

Katherine and Mawaan took 34 seconds and 17 minutes.

Ooh!

So, hang on, we were quicker? Yes, you won. Yes!

I want to give the team that won five points each.

That's Katherine and Mawaan. Yeah. Yay.

And I want to give the team that came second four points each.

OK, so everyone get lots of points.

Four points to Richard and Daisy and Mawaan... Why not?

..and to Johnny, five points. That's great. I'm happy with that.

It's next-level shit!

Hey, what's the scoreboard update, please?

Well, at this early stage, things are looking a lot like this.

Johnny's in last place with five points.

Mawaan has maximum ten points! Whoa!

That's lovely. Absolutely lovely!

OK, lovely. Another one, please.

OK, and just so you know, I don't think your head

looks like a bunch of balloons.

Hello, Daisy.

Alex. Johnny.

This looks good. Thank you, Mawaan.

It took quite a while.

OK.

"Make the best portrait of the Taskmaster and his favourite toy..."

"..using only balloons..."

"..pegs and your own clothes."

"Your portrait must fill this frame.

"You have 30 minutes."

"Your time starts now."

Oh, it's like Art Attack.

No, it's completely different.

Can I ask, do we know what his favourite toy is?

Do you know what it is? Do you know what it is?

I don't know what it is.

Is his favourite toy a balloon?

OK, what have we got?

What kind of nose does Greg have?

He's a handsome man, isn't he? Yes, he is.

Oh, you!

Argh!

This can be a nose.

I know he's handsome and striking, but I'm...

..I can't think of the detail of his face. Right.

I didn't know he had so much white hair.

They don't do balloons in grey, do they?

It would help if he had, like, more distinctive features,

do you know what I mean?

What do you wish he had? Like, a nose ring.

I mean, that might also be his favourite toy.

It's actually looking quite like him.

And also a bit like my husband.

His nose keeps wafting away,

but it sort of does that in real life, doesn't it?

It does drift.

I'm going to give him insane eyes.

He is a very angry man.

He's handsome, isn't he? You keep saying that.

Oh, wow, is the coat coming off? Coat coming off.

This is going to be his clothes.

This is his hair. That's like two fingers.

What am I going to use for his irises?

Yeah, I think it's going to be abstract.

Have you thought about his toy yet, Johnny?

Depending if I run out of time.

I was going to do him strangling a poodle.

What's that? What do you think it is, Katherine?

Cream? Cream?

What is that for? Oh!

I can't believe I actually didn't think

for a second that I could blow up the balloons.

Didn't occur to me.

It didn't occur to me! Oh, God.

Bloody hell, it's working.

Oh, you!

It's just his irises.

I can't leave him like that.

Unless I get some mud.

It's like nature's charcoal. Is it? Yeah.

The thing about art, you've got to just, like, make a bold choice,

and then just do it.

He absolutely loves lightsabres.

Does he? Yeah. That's convenient.

I mean, that is a freestanding... duck.

What's that? It's going to be a duck.

Where do you keep the toys?

Where do I keep the toys?

Toy, toy...

It's Nipple the Wonder Dog!

Oh, please don't burst.

Oh!

There he is!

Do think it's good? Not really, no.

There we go. Shall we see some, then? Yeah, OK.

Well, Katherine, then, who thought you were very...

She thinks I'm a very handsome man. Very handsome, but also basically

did a picture of her own husband.

It looked like this.

What the...?

So it's in profile. The toy... Oh!

Oh, I thought the horrible little toy was...

That's your favourite toy.

She called it a glamorous clothes cuddly comfort duck.

Oh, yeah, nice. It does like a duck!

I think the eyebrows are bang on.

I'm not sure my nose is...

Sorry, yes... 18 feet long.

No, but my husband's is, so I...

..I channelled his face

to represent your face... maybe.

I think it's a pretty good effort.

If only you'd had some cream to finish it off.

Do you want to see Daisy's next? Yes, please.

I can't wait to see my lovely irises.

I think you're going to enjoy your ears and your eyes with this one.

Here's your face.

Wow. THEY LAUGH

It's not bad. You look happy.

I mean, couldn't look less like me, could it?

Look at the size of the body.

Well, the irises moved around a bit.

We can see a few different versions of the irises, I think.

Oh, my God. It's all in the irises. That is fantastic!

Oh, gosh. That's really...

You've made a gif!

You made a gif!

Absolutely rubbish.

Next. Oh.

Do want to see Richard Herring's picture of you?

Yes, please. It's quite flattering. Here we go.

Wow. I'll be honest with you, I don't know if it is flattering.

I just, honestly...

The tummy's good. Yeah. The anger's good.

Have you been crying as well? Of course, look at my penis.

I've been rejected.

I've been rejected my whole life!

No! No!

What's my toy, Richard?

It's either your penis or there's a duck there under your hand.

Yes, you did say it was a duck.

See, like, you can see its beak there.

And a tail, of course. And the tail.

We can see one more before the break, if you want. Please.

The artist, Johnny Vegas. All right.

Wow! THEY GASP

God!

What I love is you've got my one big tooth.

It's difficult, isn't it? So good!

It's so good, it's, like... almost, like,

it's a shame...

That's going to take some beating. Yes. Let's face it.

It's time for a break from my rubber face.

Go and burn your eyes on some advertising fizz

and we'll see you in part three!

Hello again.

Start of part three, then. Here we go, I suppose.

Yeah, big boy!

Before the break, we saw some images of Greg made out of balloons.

It's time to find out why Mawaan has been left to last.

How long left? Got two minutes left.

Feel like I need to start again. You're going to start again?

I wouldn't advise that.

His favourite toy is a permanent marker, OK.

How long left?

1 minute 50. OK.

You've got 45 seconds.

45 seconds, great!

I think it's a masterpiece.

Right.

Well, I mean, I could see the logic of starting again.

Cos the first one was... just a collection of balloons. Yeah.

The first one looked like this.

Yeah. LAUGHING

It looks like intestines.

Well, we're not... We're not marking that, and that's good.

OK, great.

So let's see what we are marking.

This.

It was meant to fill the frame. Was it?

Yeah. Well... Yeah.

No, no, it was. We can zoom in.

Here we go. Yeah.

That has got more likeness to you than any of them.

To be fair, the eyes...

Yeah. You're looking at Alex.

Let's have a look at them all together, can we?

All together, OK.

Well, I've got to penalise him for not filling the frame.

Can we agree on that? Yes.

So, what looks least like me, obviously,

it's Daisy's.

Oh, what?!

Despite the lightsaber coming out of your neck? Really?

The lightsaber coming out of my neck is a lovely touch,

but apart from that, it's a giant-headed child.

So, is that one point to Daisy? Correct.

One point for Daisy. Well done, Daisy, one point, last place.

Right, now, next like me,

I'm going to put Richard and Mawaan joint...

..fourth. Two points each.

Two points each. OK, that's fine.

The others look quite like me,

so Katherine gets four points and Johnny gets five.

Johnny Vegas is the winner!

There we go.

One more task, please.

Hello. All right, Alex?

How you doing? I'm excited.

Are you, yeah?

Just hate wearing a helmet.

Why?

I don't feel very sexy.

It's very safe.

Yeah, I guess safe is sexy.

Really sexy.

This is bringing back a lot of bad childhood memories at Weymouth.

Ooh.

Ooh, hello.

Oh!

OK.

"Get all the exercise balls in the hoops."

"You may not move the hoops..."

"..or get out of the boat. Fastest wins."

"Your time starts now."

Oh, my goodness, what fun. OK.

What fun. I mean, I can't wait to see them,

so I'm going to suggest we crack on.

I will briefly recognise Katherine's grandma moan as she got in the boat.

I was hoping they'd be edited out cos there was quite a few of them.

Ha-ooh!

Well, uh-oh, it's Mawaan by himself again.

Uh-oh.

"You may not..." What?

"You may not move the hoops or get out of the boat."

OK.

How am I supposed to move it?

OK, well, that was stupid.

I'm going to do this.

Ah!

There must be an easier way to do this.

I should've brought the hoops to...

Why didn't I think of that before?

Yeah, one.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five!

I've stopped the clock.

Thank you.

"You may not move the hoops."

"You may not move the hoops."

"You may not move the hoops."

He's back.

He's not back, is he? I don't think he's back.

He's still away, I think.

Shit. Yeah.

No! Why didn't you say so?

Well, cos you said it.

Yeah, but why didn't you remind me?

That's not my job.

You said at the top.

And then you kept murmuring it in your head as you walked off.

Aww.

The arrogance of youth.

And I felt so cool saying that.

I was like, oh, this is going to be a moment, you know.

I can say, if he hadn't done that, he still wouldn't have won,

he would've come second. Someone here did it faster than Mawaan.

And fair play, he was fast.

And he was... He was thinking laterally and I like that.

Yes. But he fucked up. Yep.

Who's next?

Next up, here's Richard, and here is Katherine, as well.

Oh.

Hm.

It's easier on water.

Ooh.

Oh, come on!

No!

This is going to take a long time.

I might... Whoa.

Right, I'm not sure this is going to be the fastest, but there we are.

I don't think I need these at all.

Whaa!

Come back here.

Well done, Richard.

Ooft!

Ha-ooft.

I'm going to try and throw this.

Ha!

I didn't fall out then.

No, I've got... Ah!

Oh.

OK.

Yes, Richard.

You stay there.

That is four.

Ooh.

Oh, this is easy.

Oh, my God, I could've put them all in the boat.

Aah!

Idiot.

Fucking hell. WHISTLE BLOWS

Great. Thank you, Katherine.

Thanks.

All right. Thank you, Richard. Thank you.

Be careful.

Well done.

Oh, sexy stuff.

Sexy stuff.

You know that iconic picture of, erm, of Michael Jordan?

I know the one. When he's about to slam it in.

And they used his body shape on all the trainers. Yes.

Yeah. Is there one for Richard similar?

There was a little picture of him.

Just... Just do it.

He actually referred...

He knew it was happening,

he referred to his arse as his old fella.

Said, "My old fella is showing."

I mean, that's mainly back, isn't it?

I'm in my 50s, that's not bad.

Katherine moaning like a grandmother,

dragging herself around.

Oh, God.

In my defence, my jumpsuit costume is actually... Was quite...

Limits my movement. It was quite a stiff material,

which I didn't realise when I got it.

Despite that, you did move a lot.

You travelled almost twice the distance of anyone else.

But how fast?

Not fast.

Richard, 6 minutes 33.

Katherine, 10 minutes and 2 seconds.

OK. God, so you were like nearly four minutes slower.

All right! All right!

Right, that's three parts we've piled through.

Come back soon for more Taskmaster,

the only show on TV where successful comedians battle it out

in a desperate hope of winning a crumpet and a teabag!

Hello there, welcome back to Taskmaster.

Yes, and if you've just walked back into the room...

..hello there, and welcome back to Taskmaster.

Before the break, we saw our incredibly talented cast right at

the top of their game, inching about on inflatable dinghies whilst

prodding gym balls into Hula Hoops.

Last up are Daisy and Johnny.

I haven't got...

Does this move?

It's going to be a battle, this.

Ha, ha-ha-ha!

Ah!

Hang on. Hang on!

Ee-ah!

Oh!

Ah! No, no, no!

I haven't got the cardiac ability.

Agh!

One.

This is, like, turning into more of a DVD extra.

I can't do that, I'm going to have to...

No!

Oh!

This is dehumanising!

Go on - and twist... and stop!

Oh, you arsehole!

Four.

Yes! Well done, Daisy.

Oh!

Can I get out now?

Oh, you...!

No! No!

I was about to be disparaging about the athleticism on display

there, but I would say Daisy, she looked like a professional.

She did very well. Was she the fastest? She was the fastest.

Yeah, it doesn't surprise me. Five minutes, 42 seconds.

You should add that to your achievements list.

I should, and being pregnant as well. Yes. Not bloody bad.

We were slightly worried about this task.

I wasn't. No, we saw that!

Johnny, erm, I thought, when you first started trying to power

the boat by dragging plastic oars against concrete...

..that you were just getting your system right.

But at no point did you not use the oars.

At one point, you were trying to move air with the oars...

Like a windmill.

..to power the... I...!

I thought it was strictly,

like, you had to treat the concrete like water.

Yep. So I thought...

That's quite an assumption. ..you couldn't...

I tell you what, it's not very often you hear the sentence,

"This is dehumanising," outside of a documentary about a despot.

How long did Daisy take? So, Daisy, five minutes 42.

The absolute winner. Richard, six minutes 33, in second.

Katherine, ten minutes two seconds, Johnny...?

Er, 15 minutes?

Mm - he was ten minutes and 20 seconds and 40 more seconds

and five more minutes and then another six minutes

and then two more minutes - 22 minutes!

That's, like, really committed.

That's proper Reach For The Stars, next-level shit, that.

Keep coming in fourth place, and what do you want to do with Mawaan?

Does he get any points? He moved...

No, I'm afraid he doesn't, he's disqualified. Zero points.

Zero points. Yeah. Daisy wins the task! There it is!

Quick look at the scores.

We have three people in last place, but last week's last person

is now in first place, it's Katherine, with 16 points!

Right, everyone, stay where you are - apart from you, Alex.

Please head to the balcony for the final task of the show.

Hello, Greg. Hello, Alex. I headed to the balcony.

Who's going to read the task out?

I would like Katherine to read the task, please.

"Guess the things that are making the noise.

"You will receive one point for every correct answer.

"Most accurate guesser wins."

I'm going to be making some noises from up here. Yep.

I'll be bashing two things together. Yep.

You've got paddles, with pictures of the things on.

There are ten options.

You need to put two options up either side of your face.

You'll have ten seconds to make your guess each time,

and you get a real point for every correct answer.

So, there's potentially ten points to be won. Ooh.

And keep looking at me throughout, please.

Greg, are you ready for the first noise? I am, on the edge of my seat.

Here we go.

PAN PINGS There it is.

Make your decision.

Oh!

Excellent.

Good.

Excellent... LAUGHTER

They've been registered? Well, the correct items were...

..toasted sandwich maker and a bottle.

OK. So, a point for Katherine, a point for Richard,

a point for Daisy, one for Mawaan. Are you enjoying the game

so far, Greg? Yeah. Oh, my God, it's almost sexual.

OK, please look at the Taskmaster.

Please!

LEG HITS PAN SOFTLY There it is.

I can't even say it.

They're making their choices.

This is absolutely amazing.

With the exception of Mawaan, everyone's got it totally right.

It was a leg and a frying pan.

And Mawaan has still got one.

Yeah. It's going to get tougher.

Yeah, but I was working on the thousand monkeys,

thousand typewriters thing,

you just hold the same two up, and it's got to be...

Noise number three, coming now. Here we go.

Oh, lovely. Lovely.

They've made their choices. The correct answer was...

..sword-ukulele. So, I can reveal the only person who got a point

is Richard Herring for ukulele.

Here we go. Noise number four. Feel the rush!

OK. There we go.

They've all made their choices. Yep. The correct answer was...

..bugle-toasted sandwich maker.

Oh! Points abound, though.

Three points got picked up.

It's the final noise. Whoa!

You're disappointed by the noise those two things made!

Couldn't hear anything...

There it is.

What has Katherine gone for? She's gone for sword and ukulele.

It was not sword and ukulele, it was mallet and grill!

Ah, mallet and grill! Ah! Well done!

Daisy got both. Whoa!

So did Richard Herring! It was a rubber mallet. Why don't you

come back down and we'll add that to the final scores

and see where we are? OK.

All right, adrenaline junkies!

Thank you. Welcome back.

Thank you - what a great game of fun noises we had.

What's it done to the final scores, though?

I'm going to tell you. I mean,

the listening of some of these guys, it was next-level shit.

Wasn't it? It really was.

Particularly by Daisy and Richard.

Six out of a possible ten they got right.

So, they get six points each.

Pretty cool! It is pretty cool. Mawaan did fine, four out of ten.

The worst guys were these two, Katherine and Johnny,

both got three right... Ah.

..which has affected the scores in quite a big way. I bet.

Yes, because she was in the lead - she's still in the lead,

but not alone. The final scores look like this - Katherine

AND Richard have 19 points!

Ooh! Tie-break?

There's only one possible way to solve this, Greg,

with a wind-up toy tie-break.

They had to select a wind-up toy dinosaur

and release it from the starter mark.

They had 30 seconds to select

their dinosaur before letting it do its thing.

Furthest distance covered wins, but if it falls off the table,

it's game over. Here's how they got on.

You can test them, you can practice for 20 seconds. Oh!

I just like that colour.

I don't like that one.

That's a lunatic.

They're all quite speedy.

Too quick.

He's my boy.

Oh!

I think we're quite well matched.

Unbelievably, with a score of 7cm,

Katherine Parkinson won! Incredible!

Katherine Parkinson wins the show!

Please go and collect your holy prizes! Whoo!

So, what have we learnt today?

In any relationship, you have your ups and downs.

So, if you're at home tonight wondering what you have

in common with your spouse, remember, it could be worse,

you could be muttering about bacon

whilst being shouted at by Daisy May Cooper.

See you next time for Episode Three!

But, for now, let's appreciate tonight's winner one more time,

Katherine Parkinson!

>>>>oakislandtk www.opensubtitles.org