Original subtitles

Anyone watching, thinking we know fuck all

about owt, needs to watch their back...

So you've had your Labour reclassifying skunk, sending prices sky high.

Literally... literally... taking the grass from its own roots!

Now you've got your Con-Dem-Nation.

Liberals noshing Tories like altar boys picking dimps up!

Have we had a national fucking stroke or what?

Is revolution a word or was it never?

Anybody watching needs to know, we cope

better than average with irony in Chatsworth.

Well, for fuck's sake, we live in Manchester

and they charge us for water!

I wandered lonely as a clown

Necking mushrooms rarely found

This green and pleasant land in ancient times...

Yak, yak, yak, yak, yak!

It's not theirs any more.

This is our England now!

Pa-a-arty!

Sync and Corrections by APOLLO www.addic7ed.com

'When I was little, me mam used to say "If someone hurt you,

'"hurt 'em back."

'An eye for an eye.

'Tooth for a tooth.

'She said we'd be OK doing that,

'because wherever we went in the world, whatever we did...

'there'd be an angel watching over us.

'Well, I don't know about anyone else's angel,

'but I've always thought mine must be, like,

'a psycho knobhead one, getting off on me doing the wrong thing.

'And I'll tell you this for nothing.

'It does my fucking head in.'

(WOMAN GROANS)

(WOMAN PANTS)

Spock! Ha-ha!

Have you seriously no shame, you?

Using pictures of your babby to get into the

knickers of some unsuspecting slappers?

Fuck off! I'm not trying to get into anyone's knickers!

Unlike yous lot, I'm not desperate and sad

and with bollocks like space hoppers due to underuse.

I shagged your mam before we come out, so I'm sorted.

You don't "shag" me mam. You "make love" to her.

Stop talking! What are you doing?

Why would you speak about that?

Tell me again why we can't fucking kill him?

I think I'm in love.

Where?

Come on. Power in numbers.

So do you work or are you a student, or what?

Cheeky bastard! Do I look like a student?

You smell like one.

Going for a tom tit.

If you must know, I'm a serial killer.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

I've murdered shit loads o'people, haven't I, Jade?

Buried them beneath the patio.

Huge patio.

Skin them alive, making a suit out of mi' victims' flesh.

Yeah I've heard of that. It's kinky.

The suit's not for me.

It's for my dog. So we can go out, like two mates, instead of me

and woman's best friend.

So, you like dogs?

Just Dalmatians.

Cruella deVille thing.

You are the weirdest person I have ever met!

(LAUGHS) Well, I certainly fucking hope so.

DANCE MUSIC

Put it away, I've just had me dinner.

What did you have?

Move!

Don't say I never give you nothing.

Oh, God, sorry, that was work.

I've got to shoot. I'm on call.

Are you a doctor?

(LAUGHS)

D'you think they'd let me loose with a

stethoscope and nowhere decent to warm my hands?

I'm a warden at some retirement flats.

Black Briar Court. D'you know it?

Old folks' home?

I've got to go back.

You can come if you like.

We could carry on the party there.

Yeah, I do like. Give me two minutes.

Got a light, mate?

Got a spare cig an' all?

You got anywhere to go?

I don't care how wrecked she is.

As long as she can say "Oh, yes, Chesney, thank you, Chesney."

Don't expect to lay eyes on me until the morning.

I'm about to get fucking beastly with a beautiful girl.

Yeah, where is she, you fucking hound?

I can't see... She must...

No, not the spaz?!

Fuck off! Must have bolted.

Right, I better...

Argh!

Fuck!

D'you want a Viagra? Never go anywhere without me little bits.

No rush, is there?

You're the boss.

Must be my guilty Catholic conscience.

Just so you know, I'm an aggressive power bottom.

But I will switch for the right fella.

Outside.

Now.

Can't we just do it in the...

Hold on in there, mate. Hold on in there.

You'll be all right.

Oh, shit!

FLATLINE TONE

(LAUGHS EVILLY)

Eww.

D'you always laugh like that? It's really fucking annoying.

Go on... Die.

It'd be hilarious.

You can't say that, you're...

my guardian...

What have you got to go back to?

My life.

Is that what you'd call it?

Scared of your own shadow before all this.

What you going to be like now?

I'm not scared.

Grab life with both hands, did you? Eh?

The little sperm that could?

You've been an apology for a life. An anti-life.

And I'm your anti-angel. Say hello to your anti.

(LAUGHS)

Fuck off!

He's opened his eyes.

Thank Jesus, Joseph and Mary, he's going to be all right.

Might be even better. A bang on the head, new and improved version.

Who done this to you, Micky? Who was it, lad?

Just let him get his bearings, Mimi.

- She's upset. - We're all upset.

What happened mate? One minute you were there, and the next you just...

Bit of a downer to be honest...

Shaping up to be a cracking night as well.

I... I can't remember. I can't...

What's up with me?

Concussion. Bruised ribs.

You could be brain damaged.

Don't fucking say it, I'm warning you!

He's my baby.

They left you for dead, kid.

What the fuck were you doing out in the middle of nowhere, anyway?

I wish I could remember.

Really.

It's all a bit foggy.

When it does come back, let us know. We'll take care of it.

I know what you're thinking.

You went to bed with Rihanna

and woke up with a fat pig from Crumpsall.

I wasn't thinking... You're not fat.

(LAUGHS) Fuck off, I'm just messing wi' your head, pal.

I'm only in it for the sex,

and I bagged myself a blond. Score.

Shut the door on your way out, yeah?

I'm in Crumpsall?!

♪ You keep saying You've got something for me... ♪

All right, gorgeous?

Step aside, boys.

Show us your tits and we'll think about it.

Where you heading? Keep you company.

You think?

I know what I'd do to you.

Show her some respect, lads.

All right. Let's do it right here, then.

Who's first?

♪ And that's just what they'll do

♪ One of these days these boots Are gonna walk over you

♪ Start walking... ♪

Fuck.

There he is. Dirty stop-out.

Fuck off.

So who was it then? That bird in the wheelie?

Yeah, right(!) I shag cripples, that's what I'm in to.

Fuck! Patty... I didn't mean anything by it.

Don't apologise to me. I hate the moaning bastards.

Don't knock the raspberries.

Some of my best customers are the paralytics.

How can you hate them, when you're in that?

I wasn't born like this. I had an accident,

it's different. Tragedy befell me.

Anyway, it was a girl in the taxi queue. Not Clem.

Ooo, Clem, is it? Comes with her own WD-40.

Looked in the mirror lately?

You're no fucking oil painting, mate.

It's not the fish. It's me.

- Say it! - Fuck off.

- Admit it! - I'll admit I shagged your sister.

- Makes two of us. - Easy!

PHONE BEEPS

Filth.

(LAUGHS) Look at that!

I never text!

It's... pre-historic.

Nah. Need a clear head. Got an essay to write later.

Yeah, you run along now, schoolie.

I don't give a shit, but if I don't submit it then I get detention.

Detention? Who cares? School's school, innit?

You get a detention, you get a detention.

Shut up!

What are you at school for anyway?

Dunno.

Work hard so you can spend your life tied to a desk?

Not me, man.

No. I'm a free spirit. As soon as I'm 18,

I'm out of here.

Work the cruise ships, see the world. Med, Caribbean.

♪ She's a burglar

♪ She broke in to my mind

♪ She's a burglar

♪ She took everything she could find

♪ She looked into my eyes

♪ In my front socket

♪ And just like that My heart was gone

♪ She put it in her pocket. ♪

Mam, I can walk, will you back off?

I'm trying to help you.

You're hurting mi' ribs.

We're all here for you, Micky, love. I want yous lot to spoil him rotten.

He's had a big shock. Whatever he wants, we give to him.

That's not ticking, is it?

It smells of strawberries.

Somebody's been using my washing machine.

Someone's been sat in our chairs.

Someone's been eating my porridge.

All right, breakfast, it's just breakfast.

Here comes Goldilocks.

Hiya, lads.

Hi, Auntie Mimi.

Thanks for bringing my case in, boys.

(ALL) Auntie?

Nice gaff.

Relative to what?

I'm sorry.

No sweat.

Seriously, I was out of line.

D'you think you're the first dick I've met? I'm a big girl.

Fair enough. I deserved that.

You didn't exactly declare your hand, though, did you?

What?

It never occurred to you that the chair might come

as a bit of a surprise?

Yeah, that's what I do...

I lure men in with my able-bodied ruse,

so's they can humiliate themselves.

That's a good night out for me that. How I like to spend my time.

I'm not fooled, you know.

You like me.

Right, I'm off. Nice to see you again, Ruby.

You're looking... all grown up.

Eyes to the front, roll your tongues back in, lads.

Take care of your brother.

I am really sorry.

That's OK.

God gave you your talents, and you use them to your advantage.

Just don't take the piss.

I really did need to use the machine.

My stuff was manky when I came through the window.

That's what I mean about taking advantage.

Break into my house again, I'll have your tits for ash trays.

Understood.

How's your mum, then?

She still hates you.

No change there, then.

Yeah, but why's it illegal?

Fair enough nobody wants babies with eight fingers

on each hand, but fuck it if you wear a condom.

She's your first cousin.

We've only got her word for that!

Not seen her in ten years.

You should get a DNA test done.

I mean... it's hard to believe she's the same species as you lot,

let alone family.

Get to fuck.

OK. A blow job from a cousin.

Now, that has got to be legal.

How they going to test for that?

She ain't my cousin.

But I'm your step-son.

Dad... please, do not shag my cousin.

I'm not scared of you, right? So why don't you just fuck off?!

Who you talking to?

No-one. I'm just doing mi' exercises, for my lungs.

Have you gone fucking mental?

There's still lots of places never been mapped, you know.

Indonesia, Papua New Guinea, and stuff. Thousands of islands.

Don't you need degrees for that though?

This is all I need.

Pieces of paper and diplomas make no difference.

What's she called?

- Who? - Bird you're looking at.

Who gives a shit about her name?

He only reads it for the articles.

What is it? What's her name?

Read it yourself if it matters that much to you!

Do I look like a fucking slave?!

Do I?!

No.

Was it a gay thing?

I can say it louder if you like?

It's my own fault. It was me what went there.

Painted a target on your head, did you?

I'd help out, but...

I fuck strangers in alleyways and cars. This...

It's an occupational hazard.

I've fucked strangers in alleyways and cars.

Never had my head caved in for my trouble.

It's different.

It shouldn't be.

You can't let this rattle you.

No... clearly.

Need to get out, let no cunt intimidate you. Be a man.

I am a man.

Well, do it, then.

Oh!

I'm sorry, mate.

Sorry.

Fucking virgin!

He still says it's amnesia. Ambulance picked him up in Gorton.

- So? - So who runs Gorton?

Felix Dennehy.

If Felix went for him,

he wouldn't have left the job half done, would he?

We have to hit somebody. We can't be seen to do nothing.

Besides... the Dennehys have been getting a bit previous.

How hard?

Think I might need to tape it down, lads.

How hard do we hit Big Felix?

Random door in Gorton. Not important.

All right, Ruby?

Billy.

Uncle Billy.

Step-uncle, if you like.

You going running? I'm quite fit myself.

That's a fair assessment.

- You know me and Mimi? - Yeah.

We're quite relaxed about stuff?

Oh.

Well, I will bear that in mind.

Don't shit on your own doorstep, Billy.

(HE MOUTHS)

Enjoy your detention?

No.

Next time, hand in your homework.

Can I ask you a question, Miss?

Mmm-hmm.

I've got a mate who... can't read. An adult, well, I mean... older boy.

There are evening classes, day classes at college too.

He's not really a joiner. I think he's embarrassed about it.

You're not remotely as dumb as you try to get away with, are you?

He wants to travel. Work on ships.

Your friend needs to get over the embarrassment and deal with it,

or his life chances will be limited.

You need qualifications.

Your mate. Frasier Kane.

That boy has more than just literacy problems, Croker.

Why won't you give anybody a chance? He's the smartest guy I know.

I seriously doubt that.

Thanks for the advice.

Heaton.

She always were a frustrated cow.

Hated me.

All right, sexy?

♪ You've got to tease your man... ♪

WOLF WHISTLE

♪ You've got to please your man... ♪

Is that her? Clever Girl.

And the rest. That one'll never starve, I tell you.

Think she could conquer the world, that one.

Didn't you at that age?

I was practising blow jobs on bananas.

I thought it was the best way to a man's heart.

She's had it hard, the kid. When our Kenny died

and her ma brought her back from Australia to Glasgow,

didn't tell a fucking soul. Cut her off from the family.

Is she Scots then?

Only by misfortune. Scouse by paternal line.

And what brings her here?

I've asked her half a dozen times, still haven't got a clue.

Got a light, mate?

Outside.

Now.

You can't let this rattle you.

Can I take that?

You can get a cab closer.

It's got to be this one.

Just for argument's sake, say you did shag a bird in a wheelie.

In a wheelchair.

Wouldn't it hurt?

Maybe... if you let the brakes off.

Nah, not me, her. I mean, I'd be scared of breaking something.

Hurting her.

She wouldn't be able to feel nothing.

Oh, that's a misconception.

In fact, for some of us, sensation is heightened.

Considerably heightened.

Clem?

Clementine!

Clem!

There's two Rs in sorry.

I'm not a complete idiot. Weren't enough bricks.

I am. Really.

Wait there.

You robbed those from someone's garden.

Liberated is the word you're looking for.

Look, you're forgiven, all right?

Go on about your business with a clear conscience.

You're not a dick, just another regular lad.

If I let stuff like that bother me,

I'd really be up shit creek, wouldn't I?

I don't want to be just another lad. I want to be your lad.

No means no, Carl.

Am I a man?

Yep. My turn. Am I in a band?

No.

Wayne Rooney.

No way, fuck off! How did you just guess that?

Because you're a bloke and I thought like a bloke.

I'm sitting here with these largely on display,

so I'll assume you're not thinking about other women.

Which leaves music and football and you said he wasn't in a band.

Yeah, but... it's still a leap.

You're a Blue, right?

Except you think you're sneaky, so you tried to double-bluff me and pick a Red.

But if you're going to pick a Red, you'll pick an ugly one,

cos you hate them that much.

You are good.

And significantly better off than when I came in.

Thanks.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! You can't use made-up names.

Yeah.

Hiya.

Hey.

Behave yourself.

If you could just retrieve my car and deliver it to my home...

RUNNING FOOTSTEPS

It's her, intit?

Miss Heaton, detention queen.

Get out of my way.

We're not in school now.

Excuse me.

I don't think so.

You never liked me.

You weren't a very likable boy. I see not much has changed.

Watch your mouth. You can't hide behind your desk now, you bitch.

You're not... You're not a stupid boy.

There are programmes where you can learn to read.

You can't read?

I'm not a stupid boy! I'm not a boy!

Would you like to see?

Shh!

Stop it.

Let's see how smart you are with a real man up you.

Get off me!

Frasier!

Boys, help me, please!

Frasier.

Shut the fuck up!

I'll deal with you later.

(SCREAMS) Shut up! Shut up!

Shh! Shh!

MOBILE PHONE BUTTON TONES

PHONE RINGING

'Black Panther Cabs?'

Yeah. I need a taxi.

'Where's it picking up from, please?'

Just outside your office.

'All our drivers here are on their breaks.'

What about the guy in the black Vectra outside?

'He's not available.'

Right, no worries. I'll just call another company.

'He'll be right out.'

Where to?

Rusholme.

Lot of rubbish on these streets.

I don't mind the blacks. They've settled down.

It's the Pakis I've got a problem with.

Our streets,

our neighbourhoods, infiltrating us.

Then what? Semtex in their rucksacks.

That's what this pays for, you know.

Fucking Council Tax.

It all goes on them. Furnished flats, kitchens, legal appeals.

And don't get me started on the crack-heads, the whores.

The diseased.

Queers.

Go on then. Do it.

Do it, you cowardly piece of shit.

And if you can't do him, do yourself.

What's the matter with you?

Stop it!

A lot of rubbish needing swept away, don't you think?

CRESCENDO OF CAR HORNS

Do it.

Stop here! Please.

You all right?

(YELPS)

(LAUGHS)

A horse enters a pub

and the barman goes, "What the fuck's wrong with you?"

Mind your own fucking business.

Whoa...

I think you'll find I was here first.

You invaded my drinking area.

Fundamental principle, around this stool, right,

this is my personal drinking space.

You've got the rest of the known universe to be fucking grumpy.

I'm sorry.

I've had a rough couple of days, you know...

Yes, well...

Well, a problem shared.

I think God's got it in for me.

I can't do right for doing wrong.

How confused are you?

There is no right, there's no wrong.

There is no God. Sorted.

Any gratuities gratefully received.

Maybe.

Know no right, no wrong.

But I'm the one carrying the scars, aren't I?

It's not accidental, is it?

Was it the good Lord herself who swung a tire iron at your bonce?

I think not.

You see, I have read her instruction manual

and one of the very few pearls it offers us is an eye for an eye.

Fuck all that touchy-feely New Testament shit,

fucking lentil eater's manifesto.

Someone smites you, you smite them right back.

What's that going to solve?

Well, if you're standing up for your people, a lot.

Standing up for my people.

♪ GEORGE MICHAEL: FAITH

♪ Well, I guess it would be nice... ♪

My people bring artistic pleasure to millions.

Them the choirs?

Oh, yes.

Can't you tell?

♪ ..before I give my heart away

♪ And I know all the games you play, because I play them too

♪ Cos I gotta have faith,

♪ I gotta have faith

♪ Because I've got to have faith

♪ I've got to have faith, faith, faith... ♪

Where the fuck have you been?

Have you got something to say to me?

No.

Well, get with the programme then, champ.

I'm not going to be around for a while.

DISTANT POLICE SIREN

Where are you going?

Let him go.

Aidan, you'd better not talk to anybody.

If you've got it, flaunt it, fair enough.

But be responsible with it.

I am responsible.

I was young once myself, you know.

Men might button up the back, but I don't.

Why are you here, kid? And no bullshit.

My ma threw me out.

If I call her, she'll confirm that?

I thought you couldn't stand her.

I hope she dies a long, slow death. I'll still call her though.

I'll get my stuff.

Don't be stupid. You can stay as long as you like.

I owe that to your dad at least, God rest his soul.

Your business is your business.

And I won't ask again.

Don't seduce all the lads at one time though, eh?

(LAUGHS)

♪ Come on, baby... ♪

Look at this shit!

♪ You're going to like it once you get a taste

♪ I got a feeling in my heart

♪ Something good is about to start.

♪ That's a hot dog, hot dog

♪ Watch me eat a hot dog

♪ Hot dog, hot dog

♪ Come on, let's do the hot dog. ♪

♪ E-A-T H-O-T D-O-G, Hot dog. ♪

What is it you want from me, Carl?

I don't know.

You're stalking a girl... dressed like a dog,

and you don't know what you want?

Not exactly a man with a plan, are you?

I want to be with you.

After one conversation in a club?

They say it can happen at first sight.

Shall I tell you what I think?

I want to strap you on to me and fuck you till my eyes water.

Take the costume off first?

♪ FLORENCE AND THE MACHINE Dog Days

♪ Happiness... hit her

♪ Like a train on a tra-a-ack

♪ Coming towards her

♪ Stuck still no turning ba-ck

♪ She hid around corners

♪ And she hid under beds

♪ She killed it with kisses

♪ And from it she fled

♪ The dog days are over

♪ The dog days are done

♪ The horses are comin'

♪ So you better run

♪ Run fast for your mother run fast for your father

♪ Run for your children for your sisters and brothers

♪ Leave all your love and your longing behind

♪ You can't carry it with you if you want to survive

♪ The dog days are over

♪ The dog days are done

♪ Can you hear the horses

♪ Cos here they come

♪ Happiness Hit her

♪ Like a bullet in the ba-a-ck

♪ Struck from a great height

♪ By someone who should have known better than that

♪ The dog days are over

♪ The dog days are done

♪ Can you hear the horses

♪ Cos here they come... ♪

Whoa! What the fuck are you doing?

Give me one good reason why I shouldn't slice your head off

and kick it down the street.

How did you find me?

I was in your cab.

A lot of rubbish needs swept away.

I thought I recognised you. No wonder my arse tightened.

Maybe I should just chop that off.

I bet it's shrivelled up like a walnut whip now, ain't it?

- Show me. - Fuck off.

Get it out. You bring your filth in here!

Do it!

On your knees, bitch.

It's not nice, is it?

Everything you know stripped away.

All coming to get you, are we?

Blacks, Pakis, queers!

Anyone who's not you, is that it?

What's your little baby going to think of that when it arrives?

Don't you talk about my baby.

I really hope you do get a boy.

And I hope it's a faggot.

That way you'll have a lot of cocks to worry about, not just one.

Please.

Looks like you picked on the wrong guy.

(FRANK) 'You can go through life being a cliche,

'doing everything that's expected of you,

'nose to the grindstone, live to work, work to live,

'but fuck that, break away and dance to a different beat.

'Ring the changes and just...

'Live.

'Learn to stand proud, head held high.

'Fuck your detractors, what do they know?'

Got a light, mate?

'There's no angels, good or bad.'

Got a spare cig an' all?

'There's only you.

'So be proud and fuck the rest.

'That should be enough.'

So why ain't they been yet, the police?

He knows who we are.

Did you like it?

I thought you wear a wanted man this side of Manchester.

Maybe he's just checking up.

He doesn't make social calls.

He's a dangerous man.

I don't appreciate a veto on who I can serve.

You don't have to do this.

What choice is there? How bad do you want it? I want him dead.

Still got it in you?

I don't care what happens, I'll be your witness.

It's not normal weed. What is it?

Some herbal shit.

I think I can solve something over here.

Sync and Corrections by APOLLO www.addic7ed.com

OK, empty your pockets.

Oh...

They... must be mine.