Original subtitles

Anyone watching thinking we know fuck all about knowing fuck all

about owt, needs to watch their back...

So you've had your Labour, reclassifying skunk,

sending prices sky-high,

literally, literally taking the grass from its own roots!

And now you've got your ConDemNation,

Liberals noshing Tories like altar boys picking dimps up!

Have we had a national fucking stroke... or what?

Is revolution a word or was it never?

Anybody watching, needs to know, we cope better than average

with irony in Chatsworth.

Well, for fuck's sake, we live in Manchester and they charge us

for water!

I wandered lonely as a clown, necking mushrooms rarely found...

This green and pleasant land in ancient times...

Yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak!

It's not theirs any more.

This is our England now!

Paaaarty!

Contains strong language, scenes of a sexual nature and some violence.

The first throes of love are all about passion.

Eyes, hands, lips, limbs, kisses,

I love yous and promises of never-ending devotion.

Burning to memory every nook and cranny of that face,

that body, drowning in each other, getting your fill,

getting more than your fill, that thirst

you can never really quench, no matter how much you try.

And fuck knows we try, don't we?

'I read in some mag, in a waiting room years back, that...

'if you put a coin in a jar every time you made love in the first

'three years of your relationship, then took one out every time

'you did it after three years... '

Yeah, yeah!

'..you'd never ever, ever, ever... '

Yeah, yeah!

'..be able to empty it.'

Cum again and soon.

Not too soon though, eh, Tiger?

Give me some time to recover.

Dickhead.

He's tipped you?

He thinks he made me cum.

Screams were almost convincing.

The yelps helped.

I had cramp. Came in handy.

I can spot a fake a mile off.

Well, I guess you've pulled a few in your time.

Didn't need to.

My Brendan were gifted in the trouser department.

When he stripped off put me in mind of a tripod.

Any chance of you finishing early?

We've got a stag do in any minute now. I'd leave the girls to it

but we need all hands on deck for this one.

Lillian just took a call and the lads've been chewing Viagra

since they left Burnley.

They won't walk in, they'll be pole vaulting.

No worries. I'll catch you later then, OK?

He knows... that you're lying.

Orgasms aren't the only thing I'm good at faking.

He hasn't got a clue.

Don't know what's wrong with her lately.

I do.

It's too small.

It'll keep the wind off your back.

Yeah and give me twatting frostbite at the front.

I'll look like a fucking nutter.

But you are a fucking nutter.

Take no notice.

Beggars can't be choosers.

As soon as you get a few bob rolling in, it's me and you

straight down to Primani for a proper makeover.

But until then, it's our Shane's cast-offs.

It suits you.

Yeah, it looks... nice.

It's pink and it smells of perfume.

Only real men can wear pink. And it's aftershave that.

This is a bird's fluffy jumper.

Angora. He's allergic to manmade.

It's got tit shapes in it.

Must've been me mam's.

You need to try it on.

You look lovely.

None of it fits! Right?

I can't survive much longer

on two pairs of socks, three T-shirts and a pair of undies.

Just one pair?

I wish I'd known that sooner.

I'm only on a tea break.

Laters.

Look, just go commando whilst they wash and dry.

Ready for action.

Homo! Sorry.

I can't, I'll chafe.

It was only going go on a bottle of baby oil and some poppers.

You've been a pal to me, Micky.

And if I were queer, I'd bum you here and now.

Thanks, Marty.

You're going to make someone a lovely wife... partner one day.

But I've got to stand up on my own two feet.

I need cash, so I'll have to do a job.

Get a job.

Everybody get down!

Shut up. Shut your...

This is a fuck up!

Shut the fuck up... this is a stick up!

Rectal prolapse!

Gimme the money, gimme the money!

Evil...!

Fuck off!

Sit down, wait till you see this. It's class!

Come on, you're in my seat.

Soon have you smiling again, girl!

Isn't that the shittest...

crappest robber you have ever seen?

How much did he get away with?

Enough for some chips and a taxi home!

Fucking shame of it!

You know who that was?

You know.

I don't know.

So... why don't you tell me?

Marty.

How'd you know?

He was wearing my old coat.

Not his style, is it? Armed robbery, not the coat.

I don't his fucking style.

It's only a matter of time before the filth get their shit together

and clock it's him.

And? Arrest him.

You're not arsed?

He's a punter, Shane.

Offering ten-grand reward for somebody to grass him up.

If he's daft enough to threaten people with a gun,

he deserves grassing up.

It's deposit on a house that, you know, ten grand.

Maguires don't grass.

Fucking stupid though, weren't it?

He is fucking stupid.

Aren't you?!

I said aren't you!?

What the fuck was I supposed to do?

I'm here, skint, I can't work, I can't sign on.

What, in case the police catch you

for non-payment of maintenance, you mean?

As opposed to armed fucking robbery, you gormless twat!

I needed money!

Then ask!

Don't go holding up Post Offices with fucking guns!

You could've killed someone,

some poor bastard collecting their pension.

You could've got killed yourself and then what would I have done?!

I mean, how would I have explained that to Sue?

Where'd you get the gun?

They're stashed here! It's family stuff, you know the score, Kel!

You keep him away from guns, you got that? Guns and fucking matches!

Sorry!

It could bring a load of trouble and...

We've had enough... That... that gun,

could be linked to Shane, maybe and they'll...

You're looking lovely.

You do, you look dead nice, like. Nice.

Proper like... glowing,

healthily.

I was thinking... do you want me to make tea tonight?

What's going on?

Why would anything be going on?

I was married longer than you've been alive.

And I know that when a man's buttering you up

with a string of compliments, he's about to do

one of two things - confess or request.

Which is it?

Er...

Don't lie! If you've got something to say, say it.

I've just...

Speak!

Well, now it's out in the open, who Cilla's dad is,

I was thinking if like... if we could...

well, when she's Christened, if we could give her a second name?

You know, cos her mam gave her her first name,

her dad can give her her second.

What were you thinking of?

Maureen.

Fuck off.

What, it's me mam's name.

She can keep it.

It's not fair, Mimi. You get to do everything

and I just get shit on by you, Shane, Jamie and Micky.

OK.

Always taking the piss out of... out of me.

Did you just say OK then?

On one condition.

That you convert, come over to our side.

You mean support Liverpool?

I mean become a Catholic, you knobhead.

Right. Yeah, yeah.

You've been named, Marty boy. Armed robber at the Post Office.

Cuddly little Marty with his funny little ways.

Wouldn't harm a fly, eh?

F... f... fuck off.

Terrify a gang of pensioners half to death in a Post Office queue, yes,

but wouldn't harm a fly.

Fuck off, Shane.

Come on, I'm fucking with you.

You know what, I've been doing a bit of research, mate.

All you have to do is type in 'Arson' and 'Fuengerola'

and it's fucking amazing what pops up.

You know, it's funny you never mentioned that your wife and kids

died in a house fire.

Anyone'd think you had something to hide, mate.

Save your breath, Marty, you're going to need it.

I just called the filth.

I've told them where you were.

Run.

Run!

I've got a few more cast-offs for Marty...

I was dr... dragged out of bed last night

by an armed copper

with his gun shoved half-way up my fucking nostril!

What, family stuff?

They were asking me where Marty was.

I said, "I don't know", and spent the next...

nine hours helping the police with their enquiries.

Someone must've grassed.

That'd be me.

And since when did you develop a conscience?

When I found out Marty's wife and kids died in an arson attack.

Spate of fires across Fuengerola. Culprit never found.

But you got a fucking nutter out there

with a history of that sort of stuff and, well, one and one... is two.

He killed them?

Yep. Seems that way.

I was thinking of a trip into town.

Get you some new gear, something to eat, eh?

That ten grand you got for grassing him up burning a hole in your pocket?

It were anonymous.

I'm booked solid all morning.

Who wants a fuck at this hour?

You... Once upon a time.

The thing is, I don't know anything about God or religion, Father.

He's C of E. Is he allowed to change sides, Father?

We don't really think of it as sides, now, do we, Mimi?

It'll be a lot of hard work on your part, Billy.

You'll have to research the faith, attend classes.

He's not afraid of a bit of hard work.

It's for my daughter.

And for you, too.

Front of the queue at the Pearly Gates

if you're a Catholic, eh, Father?

We'll keep it informal for the time being.

Yeah.

Look forward to getting to know you as well as the rest of the family.

Lovely seeing you, Father.

And you, Mimi.

Take care.

I will.

See ya.

Micky. Father.

Bye now!

What's he doing here? Has someone died?

Billy's going to be a Catholic.

What the fuck for? It's shit!

Thou shall not do this, that and the other. And the guilt.

Takes you about a week to get over spilling your seed.

Stay Proddy, man, much more fun.

I'm doing it for Cilla.

You're doing it to get in with me mam.

It's for my daughter, your sister.

She won't thank you.

If I was going to change, I'd go Muslim.

Food's better and all you've got to do is grow a beard.

You won't even pass the exams, you, anyway.

Why's that, then?

Cos you're a thick cunt.

Mam!

Mam!

You, living room, now!

It wasn't me!

Don't have me saying it twice!

No matter how hard I try,

your lads are just going to keep throwing it back in my face.

Nothing I do'll ever be good enough for them.

It's a lot for them to take on, you being here. Going to take time.

You can handle this. You're a tough lad.

Made of sterner stuff than they know. Aren't you?

Yeah.

Now, these spuds aren't going to peel themselves, are they?

Shane's here.

I told you. Tell him I'm occupied.

I did but he said he'd wait.

Look, if you and him's got a problem, sort it!

Cos punters don't like looking at a face like

a smacked arse. They can get that at home.

Give me a minute. Tell him I'm just tidying, then send him up.

The only time I see anything floral is weddings, funerals

and when you're trying to keep me sweet after a fuck-up.

By way of an apology?

A fuck-up.

Yeah. A monumental fuck-up.

You know, I've been that busy, my mind's been preoccupied

with a million and one different things,

and I... I've neglected the one thing that I value most.

I said thing, I don't...

I mean you.

And I'm sorry.

I know you've been distracted as well.

Hang on a minute... I don't blame you.

I forced you away.

It takes two to tango... badly.

We are good, us, y'know.

We used to be.

We still are.

Let's make a bit of time.

Get away from here.

I want to be your husband again.

I love you, Kelly Maguire.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah?

Yes.

Yeah?

Yes!

Yeah! Let's go!

He's lovely, isn't he?

Wouldn't think that if you had to spend as long as me looking at him.

I meant Father Craig. So did I.

Ever since Billy started his conversion classes,

we can't get rid of him.

Well, he can convert me any time.

Oi! I heard that.

What?

Personal Jesus

What's got you smiling?

Wouldn't you like to know!

The look of love, little twinkle in the eye I can detect?

Sorted your differences, then?

Never heard it called that before but... we talked.

Toilets.

Now!

Look, I'm tired, that's all this is.

I'm relieved your marriage is back on track.

I appreciate the concern...

but we've never been close and I'm not the sister type.

I just wish I'd had someone to talk to when

me and Jamie were fucking ourselves over.

We've had a rough few months. Like I said, we've talked and we're OK.

Good, I'm glad. Cos it'd be all too easy to get hung up on someone

who might let you down, wouldn't it?

You know, someone who might offer a bit of excitement short-term...

But long-term?

You wouldn't back him if he was a horse at the National, would you?

No, I don't think I would.

Use the men's!

Sometimes we can get distracted. Things can seem a bit mundane.

We think the grass is always greener but before long we've...

I lost everything.

This isn't a bollocking, Kel.

I just don't want you to make the same mistake I did.

Joe?

There's no bog roll.

Well, drip dry.

Without going into detail, that approach won't have much effect.

Fine.

You can talk to me, you know, when it comes to stuff like this.

You can trust me.

Jamie, usual, double and whatever those boring bastards are having.

With a cyanide-fucking-chaser for each of them.

You not enjoying it?

He's everywhere I turn. Never shuts the fuck up!

God this, God that, God the other.

He's got a bleeding parable for everything.

Can't even wipe your arse without him turning it

into some kind of a lesson.

Hello, Father Craig!

Hiya, Father. Going already?

Service in the morning, Mimi. Billy says you'll be there.

Not going to miss out, am I?

Stop this now.

Gone!

I-I just wanted to impress you.

Get rid of that boring bastard, then I'll be impressed.

She obviously wants something extreme.

Y'know, a declaration of your intentions.

Reckon?

Think big, Billy. It's obviously the way to her heart. If not her heart,

might get you into her knickers.

What d'you think she'd really, really like?

What d'you reckon'd make her happy? Her and the boys?

What's going on?

Well, I just want you to be happy, that's all.

So...

I did something that'd make you happy.

So you robbed my car?

Borrowed.

Then what the fuck did you give him?

Just a load of ale. Bottle of whisky.

And? Some pills I found in Micky's sock drawer.

The blue ones?

Orange?

Not the yellow ones.

One of them'd floor all the Happy Mondays! How many d'you slip him?

Four.

Well no wonder he's dead!

They're meant for horses of a nervous disposition!

What in the name of God did you think you were doing?

You said you'd be impressed if I got rid of him!

I didn't mean kill him, you thick twat!

I meant out of my line of vision for a split second!

Out of my range of hearing, not bleeding dead!

So what we going to do?

Pray for forgiveness. He's killed a Priest.

Well, let him fucking pray then. It's nowt to do with us.

I'm going to hell. And I'm not even Catholic!

And you think God's going to turn a blind eye to the fact

that we're sitting round discussing how to get shot of the body!?

Er, excuse me, I just came up with a

solution that went down like a lead balloon.

The solution being that we take him to your mate's sausage factory?!

You've never objected before.

I've never turned a priest into a sausage before!

We'll be excommunicated.

We're already excommunicated.

Call your mate. Make the arrangements.

Hang on...

You're not actually going to go through with this?

Have you got a better solution?

Remarkable. Just when I thought you'd never be able to shock me...

OK, if we're going ahead with this, you need to make yourself scarce.

No way! He got us into this shit, he's going to help get us out!

They'll get a fair few sausages out of him,

though, won't they? He was a big lad, wasn't he?

Fucking arse!

Kelly!

What d'you want?

Played me for a fool, didn't you?

No.

Not that I blame you. I am a fucking idiot... falling for you... your lies.

If you think I lied, why did you come?

To tell you to get out my life, to keep on running.

Fuck off so far away from me and never come back!

Sue left me.

She walked out and took the kids.

She wanted stuff I couldn't give her and...

She found someone who could.

And I begged her...

I begged her to come back, but she said, "To what?"

To what.

I was on my own.

And I was getting pissed most nights cos...

And I lost my job cos I couldn't get out of bed for the hangovers.

I ended up on the street.

And I was angry with myself, I was so angry.

I'd lost my wife, my kids... My job, my flat.

So you set fire to them?

Took a while, but here he is at last, eh?

Will the real Marty Fisher please stand up.

Look... The lying, murdering Marty Fisher.

No, no, I-I-I...

Save it.

I thought you were different.

Fucking cliche alert!

I hope they find you, Marty.

I hope the filth drag you in and I hope you go down for life.

Sue didn't deserve that.

And your kids...

K-K-Kelly...

Fuck off.

I love you!

And I love Shane.

Shit!

They're still looking for Marty.

Right, Father Craig's pissed after an all-night wake.

We're taking him back to church. Everyone stay calm.

Can I ask where you're going, lads?

Just bringing a mate home. Bit worse for wear.

Hope you sober up for Sunday, Father! Me daughter's christening.

He's going to puke!

Do you want to get out, Father?

No! He's just rat-arsed.

Don't tell the Pope

D'you want to open the boot for us, please?

Shh!

I can't...

Shut the fuck up!

Yeah, that's great, mate.

Cheers.

Your other mate looks bad, too.

He can't handle his booze. Think it was the punch what finished him off!

That'll teach him. Cheers, lads.

See you, Father!

Vodka.

Double.

And one for yourself, Mimi.

Fuck knows you could do with one. What you having?

Bit early for me.

To the useless, lying, two-faced, manipulative,

deceitful gang of total bastardry that is men!

Fuck knows I'll drink to that.

Unless it's our Shane you're talking about?

A punter. Finally revealed his true colours.

Same again please, Mimi.

You're working in ten minutes. The barbershop quartet's in.

You fuck 'em. Turn the light off, they'd never know the difference.

Course they would!

This is the male of the species we're talking about, brains in cocks.

And there's not much room in there for a brain.

Fuck 'em yourself, or better still, tell 'em to go fuck themselves.

You've had two verbal warnings, Kelly.

Third written.

What - you're going to dismiss me?

Then I take you to a tribunal and... No, that's right I can't!

On account of your business being illegal

and you'd end up in nick for being a madam!

Madame!

All you need do sometimes,

is take a step back to get a good perspective, isn't it?

Where's all this coming from?

From me being let down once too often. That's where from.

Shane?

No, we're good.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Y'all right, kidda?

All right, mate?

Not bad, mate?

Yeah, good-good.

Nice one.

All right, boys.

All right, mate.

Right, we need to get him in here, yeah?

And then get him to the processing room.

There'll be a tea break in ten minutes. It'll be empty.

I'll need a hand stripping him.

I'll do it.

You want to bring him over here, Mickey?

Oof!

Shit!

Mam... you need to be here, and quick.

You said you'd checked he was dead!

I did!

Well, you obviously didn't check properly!

It's a miracle. I'm telling you, it's a miracle!

Go! Leave the talking to me.

And I prayed and prayed to God

to find a solution and he did.

You OK, Father?

I, er...

I don't know.

I'm sorry, Mimi, I'm not feeling 100%.

Must've nodded off.

Had the weirdest dream.

And the Lord said to me...

Next time you want to impress me, try a bunch of roses,

a box of chocolates.

We were lucky this time, Billy.

Make sure there isn't a next time.

You said he was a problem. Thought you wanted rid.

Why'd she go to you if she did?

Cos... cos I'm the father of her child.

That was a biological accident.

A happy one!

Yeah, but an accident none the less, Mum.

Get this straight, Billy.

If there's a problem in this family that needs solving,

this family will solve it, you got that?

We don't need you. Don't want you.

By the way, you've pissed yourself.

That hit the spot.

It was lovely, that.

Thought you'd like it.

Liked it? I loved it.

You don't have to overdo it, Shane.

No, it was nice that!

It was chips, bacon and egg.

It was great!

I'll do washing up.

No.

Come on, I said... I know, and I said I'll do it!

Sorry.

No, it's me.

No, I'm probably trying a bit...

Don't. It's not you.

This.

It's not you. It's me, Shane.

Just, em...

it's just me.

That mean I can go watch the footy that I recorded?

I love you, Kelly Maguire.

Yeah, you said.

Thank you, Carmel.

Just thought we'd give you this, Father.

Our contribution to the new roof for the vestry.

That's very kind. Thank you.

So, ten minutes, yeah?

For?

Nice one.

Making out he's forgot.

You!

Cilla's christening.

Two o'clock.

You did say two?

Course I didn't forget, how could I forget a thing like that.

And Billy is proper excited, yeah.

About getting christened, the same time as his daughter!

Very kind of you to fast-track him.

He's welling up.

You know, he's so proud.

I'm going myself.

I'll just prepare.

I'm sorry.

What the fuck's going on?!

Baptism.

Cilla's. And you're godparents.

Lovely.

When?

Now.

Nice one.

If I snuff it, soft arse'd get custody of Cilla.

That's not going to happen.

Look at him.

He's a lovely lad,

but a few bricks short of a full hod, know what I mean?

Mimi, I don't actually believe in...

We've heard it all before, Kelly. You don't believe in God, we know.

Half the congregation'll be in the same boat.

I just want you to nod when you're supposed to,

light a candle, renounce the devil,

then get back to the pub and get pissed with the rest of us.

Got that?

Come on, soft lad.

Did that just happen?

Who does she think she is?

Geez. Come on, Kel, she's always like that.

Well, she can fuck off!

You know what? You're always like that.

And you're always like that. Sitting on the fucking fence.

What's it going to take for you to back me up, mummy's boy?

You knew what you were getting into when you took me on.

Hang on, wait for me!

Barbara Castle? In her day.

Edwina Currie? Posh Scouser.

A contradiction in terms.

See, I'd have slotted Thatcher one in her heyday.

From behind, obviously. Show her who's boss.

"Ooh, not for turning?"

Well, you fucking will be after this, Maggie.

One up the mineshaft in memory of Scargill.

But Widdecombe?

Wouldn't really be an angle that would satisfy, would there?

It's not as if you could half close your eyes, so they're all fuzzy

and convince yourself it's somebody else.

Fucking Churchill would be a more attractive proposition.

Miliband's got a pretty face.

I think your mistake was going for someone with such a low profile.

What do you mean?

A priest? If you want to impress the Maguires, aim high.

Take out some gangster and you'd be quids in. Telling you.

You want to reach puberty, keep your trap shut.

Bin. Now.

If I'd wanted a gangster, I wouldn't have gotten rid of Paddy.

I like you because you're you, OK?

Just be you.

A toast!

To Cilla Maureen Tutton-Maguire. Welcome to the family.

Welcome to the family!

And to Billy Tutton. Welcome to the family.

Welcome to the family!

You're one of us, now.

She means Catholic, by the way. Not one of them.

For fuck's sake!

What the fuck's done that?

Rats.

Big fucking rat!

Excuse I for queue jumping. I've got a turtle's head.

They're all occupied and I'm next.

I'm touching cloth!

Gents!

I'm...

Sorry?

Going to do the decent thing? Hand yourself in?

Admit you're a fucking scumbag for killing your wife and kids?

A pathological liar

for making me believe we had some kind of future?

Wasn't supposed to happen this way.

Too right!

I wasn't supposed to fall for the nutter

with fuck all to offer but a criminal record and an empty wallet.

I wanted the white charger and the shining armour and I get you!

Fucking you!

Lights will be back on any minute.

Great.

Making sure no-one's fallen over, broken their neck.

Home soon, eh?

You never asked. That's what fucking hurt. After what we'd said.

What you said you felt. You never asked.

Never!

What did I never ask, eh?

You fucking lunatic!

I wanted to tell you, but I wanted you to know me first.

You wanted me to fall for you first!

I didn't do it. If you need me to, I can prove it.

I didn't do it, Kel.

I couldn't...

But even you thought I could.

Even you.

I'll be at the bus stop.

Corner of Muirfield Avenue

and Lytton Street - nine o'clock.

I want to start again.

New life...

with someone I love.

Someone I never thought I'd have the luck to come across.

It's a lot to think about, I know,

and I would've done it sooner if all this hadn't have happened, but...

I love you

and I want you with me.

Well, maybe you'll get one if you're lucky.

One, two, three, go!

I've not seen you.

Fuck!

'I used to wonder how I'd know if it was love and not lust.

'How you could tell?

'Because in the past, I thought it was there and it wasn't.

'It was nice, don't get me wrong,

'but it wasn't what it should've been.

'It didn't feel like it should've felt.

'If just the thought of them doesn't warm you,

'if being with them at the end of the day isn't all you need,

'if you're not counting the hours until you see them again,

'if you don't keep their old messages on your phone,

'just so you can hear that voice,

'then, it's not love.'

I need every single one of you

to start pulling in some serious money!

I've got me community service.

He's doing drama and plays and that.

I think there's been a mistake.

Been years since I did a burglary.

It was always a bit of a turn-on for me.

You're gay!

Don't say 'owt, will you?

We won't say a word either.

You never go bareback.

It wasn't business, it was Marty.

Going to have to do a bit more than kissing to make him sweet.

Mary's giving Joseph a blow job?

I kind of liked having you by me side.

We should make it more permanent.

You having a laugh?

Will you marry me?

Subtitles by Red Bee Media and APOLLO

For fuck's sake, Mam!

Is that gastric band playing up again?