Original subtitles

So you've had your Labour, reclassifying skunk,

sending prices sky high,

literally, literally taking the grass from its own roots.

And now you've got your Con-Dem-nation,

Liberals noshing Tories like altar boys picking dimps up.

Have we had a national fucking stroke or what?

Is revolution a word or was it never?

Anybody watching needs to know we cope better than average with irony in Chatsworth.

Well, for fuck's sake, we live in Manchester

and they charge us for water?

I wandered lonely as a clown, necking mushrooms rarely found,

this green and pleasant land in ancient times...

yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak!

It's not theirs any more.

This is our England now.

Party!

Sync by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

The biggest mistake in life is to believe someone belongs to you.

I was 12 when I worked that one out.

Mum died.

I learnt that love and loyalty are only a false sense of security.

So if you've an ounce of nous, don't give yourself away,

cos in end, whether it's out-growing each other,

falling out of love, death, all relationships fall apart.

"Elizabeth, I sense and feel your frustration,

"but please, I implore you, don't give up.

"Happiness to those who dream dreams, and are set to pay

"the cost to make them come true.

"Sincerely, Martin."

Do you want a drink?

Just an orange juice.

Sub us a tenner.

20 will do.

Micky.

Oi. You're barred.

Back off. You know he's on probation.

Yeah, well, it's his own fucking fault.

You've been clamped.

Shane's got to do Jackson's poncey community action project

as a condition of his probation.

He's on his final warning. If he fucks this up

he'll be growing carrots with some nonces in a cat C prison.

Leave it be. For me.

Ground rules. No drinks.

And you leave as soon as you're done.

Silent treatment? Very fucking mature.

It's my colleagues and the people I deliver to - they're all nasty.

Plus I never see Frank.

These days we're less Cathy and Heathcliff and more Sid and Nancy.

I'm tired when I get in, he's out,

I get up early, he's passed out. We're not making love.

Too much information.

Post for you.

Tits and testes? Mimi, this is supposed to be a night to raise

awareness on the serious issue of breast and testicular cancer.

Cancer's depressing enough as it is without been reminded of it.

People want to have fun. We'll put the happy into chemo ther-appy.

I'm organising this and I want prestige not notoriety for my community action project.

Er...my pub.

Yeah, our pub.

Bet he's loving this.

Who cares what he thinks? I only agreed to this because

the clamping turned us into social lepers.

If people see us eat humble pie,

it'll win us favour and we'll be back in business.

Tilly's an inspiration.

Her sort's the heartbeat of this nation.

Do you know how many charities miss out on funds

because she monopolises all available donations?

She's an innocent. She's a mate of Rick Astley's and Sonia's.

Ruthless as Rupert Murdoch.

She's demanding 40% of the money I raise for her own charity.

Whatever. This place will be packed to the rafters.

We'll rake it in cos of her.

How much longer do we have to humiliate ourselves for?

Permanently.

I have been picking Jackson's brains about starting our own charity.

You what?

I'm not talking about shifting aid to third world shitholes.

We'll be helping the plight of the stranded expat pensioner

in Marbella or the poverty stricken kids of Hawaii.

Anything that'll guarantee us an all-year-round tan.

Kelly and Shane feed the world?

Yeah, pay ourselves a high wage, so it's first class travel, gold taps,

whatever we want. I'll register first thing tomorrow.

Give us your fucking money!

Give us your fucking money!

I hand him his post, we sit on the bench opposite his house and talk.

Sometimes we're hours.

We've a lot in common.

He, like me, has a condition.

We both share a passion for the art of letter writing

and a disappointment in its decline.

You'll be telling me you finish...

Off each other's sentences.

Yes, we do. Mainly

cos sometimes we're incapable of finishing our own.

Say cheese.

Eh, you fucking pervert.

This is research for a serious disease, Frank.

Do you think I want to spend my night touching men's balls?

It's making me sick.

We decided to write and exchange letters to keep

the spirit of letter writing alive.

That's all. Martin's a good friend.

Talking about him turned your nipples so hard you could've had me eyes out.

It's not me you need to convince.

I've, er, run out of gloves, though.

I'm going to have to do it bareback. You don't mind, do you?

It'll be the first feel I've copped for in weeks. Knock yourself out.

Just so you know, the lump on me right breast is just my third tit.

It's got its own nipple. I'm a biological wonder.

Other booth, Lillian.

What?

Other booth!

Ladles and jelly spoons,

I give you Matilda Pucker!

(THEY CHEER)

Tilly! Tilly! Tilly! Tilly!

Shhhh shh shhh!

I love you all. Thank you.

Matilda Pucker!

(THEY CHEER)

Don't worry about photos, you can take those later on.

Thank you all for your generosity so far,

and a special thank you to one person in particular.

He's been my right hand man. Mr Shane Maguire, come on up!

Shane's been inspired to start his own charity because of me.

How about that, eh? I'm sure you'll have all of our support.

Shane Maguire!

Thanks, everyone.

Where do you think you're going?

Business. Not that it's got fuck all to do with you.

You've turned the family against us, what more do you want?

That was your doing.

Tilly'll see you now.

How you doing? You all right?

And shut the door.

Sit.

Erm, I wondered if you would referee

and help get my charity registration approved?

Would you be a gent?

It's medicinal.

Our secret?

Mum said I made my first million before I was three months old.

I can make you dead popular.

So you'll do it then?

Oh, sorry!

What are you doing?

Be mine and I'll get you what you want.

What are you talking about?

You think I'm ugly.

Come here. No, I don't.

I've never had a boyfriend.

I'm married.

I'll pay you.

Listen, you are a kid.

You will find... you will find someone that's your own age.

Are you saying that because of my condition I should only stick to basket cases?

No, I didn't mean that.

Know what people say about me? You can get into bed with Tilly but you don't fuck Tilly.

On the other hand...

Oh, Jesus, you are sick.

I'll make sure you're never approved. Get back here.

No one says no to me!

Do you know anything about abortion?

Like what?

Reasons to have one...

Shit. You're not?

Shut up. Got a debate in school tomorrow.

Got to argue for pro choice.

I don't believe in it.

Except for him. He's a walking advert for abortion.

If you're having an abortion and

some ethical shithead tells you that you're a murderer,

you're morally obligated to hit them really hard in the face.

Get us another one in and I'll tell you some more.

(TILLY SCREAMS) >

Help! Help! I've been robbed! >

Help me, help me! >

My wheelchair's gone! >

What colour was it? Red one, was it?

Terrible.

(SNORES GENTLY)

'Dearest Martin,

'I will dare to dream...

'..but as for happiness...'

ALARM BEEPS

'..I have none.

'I'd never believed familiarity could breed contempt until now.

'This is the cost I pay.

'The bubble has burst.

'Fool was I to expect perfection.

'That unblemished idea exists only in happily ever after fairy tales.

'Yet in my desperation I have settled for happy incompatible.'

Don't normally get custom for wheelchairs here.

For starters, abortion could eradicate gays,

cos, let's face it, gays can't reproduce, can they?

So who's making all the gay babies? Think about it.

And what about the dilemma of knowing the risk of a baby being born

with a debilitating birth defect?

Or worse, if that baby is David Cameron.

Speaking of which, abortion should be compulsory for ugly people.

Just imagine if Anne Widdecombe and John McCririck conceived.

The mere thought sends you reaching for a bottle of

mothers ruin and a knitting needle. End of.

Yes!

Oh, shit!

Is nothing sacred?

That's him there, that number two.

Scum!

'Elizabeth, your words touch me like no other.

'If I am to you these places of solace,

'then you are to me, the roses of my garden,

'the landscape of my magical kingdom.

'The sugar that sweetens me.'

"Love, Martin."

Do you mind? Rude bollocks.

What about you? That's a private letter for Libby.

She met someone else?

No. It's a letter from her uncle. They're very close.

You be off back to school now.

Still got half an hour.

Not here you haven't.

Take Stella for a walk.

You've nothing to be so happy about.

(BURPS)

You're...

See ya, chicken!

You're losing Libby.

I think to someone she's met at her job.

Of course you're always too tanked-up to notice.

Well, it took its fucking time.

What?

Dementia has finally set in. Hallelujah!

I'm serious.

Libby's not like anyone else.

She has affairs of the mind.

You know better than anyone how she retreats

into her fictional fantasies.

God knows you took advantage of it...

Heathcliff.

She's started doing it again.

Why would you give a shit?

You've done nothing but try and split us up from day one.

You can't stand it

that me and Libby are genuine, so don't give me your fucking head games.

I won't deny that, but I'm no fool.

Better the devil you know.

And if this man is superior to you, which I suspect he is,

we'll both lose her.

I want you to quit your job. It's costing us more than you're bringing in.

These bills. The only thing your job guarantees is that we get them!

There's no point keeping this from you.

They've stopped your benefits, Frank.

Oh, I know. Yeah.

Told me to get a job or lose my sick pay.

Told them to stick it.

How can I do manual labour with my back?

You selfish arse. I can't do this, I can't slave to make ends meet,

while you piss it up against the wall.

It's only a six-month suspension. Then I can make a fresh claim.

Six months. What makes you think I'll still be here?

Trust me, got it all covered. Coming into a little inheritance.

You're not listening.

You don't care, don't love anyone, especially me.

Yeah, I d...

Ey, you! >

Tish is being threatened with suspension.

Well, what you telling me for?

I paid for his pint so he'd help me with my debate at school,

but instead he filled my head with all kinds of crap.

It's not my fault she's thick as shit!

I've seen her trying to eat yoghurt with a fork.

That's not because she's thick, it's because she's too bone idle

to wash a spoon, you twat.

You'll go to Letitia's school and you'll put things right.

Let's be rational here. Jackson must know what to do.

He's a teacher.

The less he knows, the better.

It's complicated

but the bottom line is

I want what's best for my daughter. You understand that.

You have to meet with the teacher and save Letitia's school career

by whatever means necessary. Have I fuck.

Let me put it another way.

I want you to do it and if you love me, you will.

They say charity is a selfless act.

Load of shit. It's like Shane.

I'm being crucified, held to ransom, for my own charitable conceit.

What?

The pissing teachers meeting at some posh girls' school, bastards.

Micky, get on the phone to the solicitors.

I want Shane out the nick.

Tell him to cheat, bribe, whatever to make it happen.

You're joking?

He's dragged us down the shitter.

Cos of what he's done, people won't deal with us, we're losing business.

He's been sentenced to two weeks. He knows a way out but we'll need your help.

Done the decent thing and owned up to stealing the charity money?

No. He didn't take the money!

Who took it then?

Thought so. What he did was despicable.

Gutless.

So don't come crawling to us expecting help. He can rot.

Kelly.

That was out of order!

If we take Shane's side over this, we're fucked.

I won't let that happen.

Whether Letitia Powell used your work or not, it's inexcusable.

I have to go ahead with her suspension.

I'm surprised you show such a lack of concern for the academic future of a young girl.

One who, by all accounts, you are responsible for potentially damaging.

I was expecting a fight on my hands.

What else can I do? Got plenty of kids of my own to know they're a lost cause.

You don't strike me as the married family sort.

Well, I'm not. Married, that is.

Except to my job.

Work in a brewery.

I'm boarded here 24/7.

I've sacrificed a lot for my dedication to teaching.

And for what?

Year after year of sneering, ungrateful, pubescent bitches.

Our lives are thankless existences. But we mustn't moan, eh?

We could help each other.

I'm sure you understand.

A man in your position, a woman in my position.

We both have needs that our commitment

to our careers cannot fulfil.

I'll excuse Letitia. In return for a spot of cunnilingus.

Licky, lick equals win-win.

You're suspended.

You're not the first, you know.

She tries it on with all the dads.

It's a good job I'm not yours then... You knew this was going to happen?

Libby said to help me by whatever means necessary.

Don't do it and I'll tell everyone that you nonced me.

Oi, you little shits.

I'll get it washed off as soon as.

I'm not living here when you lot have turned your back on Shane.

Jamie's got what he wanted.

I've let things go too far.

No more.

And I'll be fucked before I let anyone around here

accuse me of being a bad mother.

We want to help clear Shane's name and get him out the nick.

So what's his plan?

File in a sponge cake? Spring him out through the prison shit pipe?

♪ Damn, the doctor's just finished telling me

♪ There's no time

♪ Losing you could be the end of me

♪ And that I... ♪ MUSIC STOPS

Did you bring some white stuff as well?

I know I said I don't do cocaine, I just like the smell.

What's wrong?

But please, I've got a rare internal organ disease.

Only one in eight million have what I have.

Whatever.

Doctors can't help, getting off my tits is the only way

of numbing this constant ache.

Fine, tell everyone! No-one will believe you anyway.

Go on, get out! Get out!

Shut it!

Shit!

Shit! Wait.

Mimi!

(Is she dead?)

Get up, bitch. I've raised enough kids to know that wasn't a seizure.

It was a hissy fit.

Micky was a bastard for them.

I had borderline epilepsy!

Get the fuck up. You've got some work to do.

I'm not the victim in all of this.

Shane is. People like him need love, support, educating.

That's why I'm dropping all charges and requesting his immediate release.

Thank you.

Thanks.

Thanks, bye.

OK ladies, can you come together please?

'Is it possible to be in love with two people at the same time?'

DOOR OPENS >

Something up?

Nothing.

You OK?

Well? Did you go?

Course I did.

You fixed it for Letitia?

Yes, yes! Ravage me with your tongue, you dirty savage!

I did it for you.

Beer?

If it's not too much trouble.

Nothing's too much trouble for my man.

And for proving your love, treat yourself down the Jockey later.

(BURPS)

Have you been eating tuna?

Yeah, it kind of lingers.

Where did you get it?

I think you're missing the shitting point, Libby. Who's Martin?

A friend. A friend?

"I can plug the hole in your existence."

Yeah, we can guess what fucking hole he's talking about.

D'you love him?

I love...

Then why is there a whole paragraph dedicated to yours truly?

He calls me a cunt. How does he know that?

Because I told him!

I told him everything - good and bad.

But I never, I swear, Frank. We're just pen friends.

Nothing physical happened, nothing!

What happened is ten times worse than that.

You opened up, you connected emotionally to another man,

that's what hurts...the most.

And all this, Libby,

if he loved you with all the power of his soul for a whole lifetime,

he couldn't love you as much as I do in a single day.

There's an address here, he wants to meet.

So, if being with me is so unbearable,

if I'm so wicked,

take the letter and go.

But remember, nothing God or Satan could inflict would have parted us.

You, of your own will, did it.

I have not broken your heart,

you have broken it.

And in breaking it,

you have broken mine.

Whatever our souls are made of,

yours and mine are the same

and Martin's is as different as a moonbeam from lightning,

of frost from fire.

THUNDER

Aidan.

What are you doing?

Libby said things are going to be really tight for cash.

So?

We need money and I'm doing my bit.

I'm going to burn the van out for the insurance. No-one knows, so keep it zipped.

Before you go, I'll have a 99-er please.

I don't sell ice cream, it's a library.

Oof!

Let me come.

No! It's too dangerous for you.

Oh, come on. It's boring round here.

No way.

Letitia Powell!

I knew it. You didn't...

No. I found them... in your ice cream van.

Me own daughter?

It wasn't me!

Frank lives here.

I'd like a word with Frank Gallagher.

He's not here, can I help you?

I doubt it. It's a private matter...

Concerning his lack of oral hygiene.

She's got herpes.

Excuse me, that is another month's detention.

Not fair, everyone else is saying it.

Who are you?

Who are you?

I'm Frank's fiancee.

Oh.

PHONE RINGS

The Jockey.

Yep, he's here.

All right, keep your fucking wig on.

Frank, you're wanted at home.

I am home.

It sounded serious.

Family meal tonight. Wear your Sunday best.

Shane's homecoming.

He's back in the business.

He broke every agreement we made for his independence, almost ruined us,

and you're taking him back and throwing him a party?

Our blood. He was lost, son, and now he's found.

Tilly's little statement wasn't worth shit

and didn't get people back drinking in here - I did!

I made it clear that anyone can have a pop at Shane with no comeback from me.

I'm not going back on that.

He's in, I'm out.

I hate Dad.

I do.

He constantly put me and Shane down.

He controlled us that much, you'd think we came with fucking remotes.

So I was made up when you took over.

But you're a massive disappointment.

Cos even though he put the business before us...

he never did when it counted.

Cheating prick!

Aidan. Aidan!

We know what you did with Letitia's teacher!

Could you leave us?

Are you...

Mother. Now.

Aidan.

Jesus.

It didn't mean anything.

I didn't want to do it.

That little bitch next door,

she threatened to shout, "Nonce!"

It's only oral. Oral doesn't constitute as cheating.

Anyway, you're not exactly whiter than white though, are you?

You know, what about that flowery letter-writing twat Martin?

I...did it...for you.

It was your fault.

"Any means necessary," you said.

Come on, say something.

Shout, scream, hit me.

Hit me, go on!

Anything.

Ooh!

If I start, I won't stop...

..until you're dead.

Is this the inheritance?

I need help, Lib.

"Proud people breed sad sorrows..."

Don't you dare!

My Heathcliff, my saviour.

I see you now. Really see you, like everyone else always has.

The other day, lying in bed beside you,

I reached out to stroke your head and my hand stopped mid-air.

The oddest urge took over.

My hand didn't want to stroke your head any more.

It wanted to fucking punch it in!

I resisted those urges, fooled myself into living a fantasy with you - had to!

Because when it faded, all I felt was...

hatred, resentment,

and I didn't want to believe that.

You knew what buttons to push...

when it suited.

So I let you.

I know it sounds fucked

and you're not going to believe me,

but what I did, I did for you.

You're a liar and a thief

and worst of all,

knowing what you've done,

you gave me an ultimatum!

You or Martin.

That was unfair.

So now I know the truth, I get to choose again

and you're going to help me.

Is it possible to be in love with two people at the same time?

PHONE RINGS

I am not in love with the ugly teacher.

Answer the question!

Our future depends on it.

Phone for you.

Not now, Aidan!

Yeah.

No. I mean, no!

I don't want to marry you, Frank.

You've taken away my chance of happiness...

twice.

I can't be with you any more.

I need to get out.

Cheer up, hun. It's just till the heat's off.

I can't see Jamie welcoming me back with open arms,

not after t' way he reacted to the wheelchair business.

Your mam has the final say and if he doesn't like it,

he knows where he can go.

About time he was put in his place and you take what's rightfully yours.

Fuck off!

SHOUTING

..Fucking knife down!

Do one, Shane! Fuck off!

Ow, fuck!

Go that way.

Fucking prick.

We've lost him.

I told you not to call. I've got guests!

Yeah, but Tilly...

You find Shane and do him over proper.

He pays or you don't get paid.

Get me?

MOBILE RINGS (Oh, shit!)

He's here!

You slippery little bastard!

Fuck off!

Jamie!

Jamie!

Jamie!

You, leave tonight.

Don't ever come back.

Why do you hate me so much?

All I've ever tried to do is be like you. Fucking be you!

What? Agh!

GUNSHOT

Argh! Argh! Argh! Me fucking foot!

Go on.

You think I won't?

You know you won't.

I know what it's like to murder somebody in cold blood.

Chemical Mitch.

Remember?

You set me up to think he'd near drowned me, so I'd kill him.

What kind of fucker does that?

To his own brother?

I thought it'd be for your own good.

I didn't plan...

You weren't supposed to kill him.

A-a-argh!

I have been haunted by that every second since and I hate you for it!

That's only the tip of the iceberg of what I have to live with.

GUNSHOT

Stop bullshitting!

You are a psycho.

I've killed again and again so you don't have to

and every dead fucker I've put a bullet in lives in here.

I close my eyes, I can see them.

And it drives me to the edge, Shane,

that sometimes the only thing

I can think of to make it stop is to end it all.

But then I think of Connor,

and Karen,

and you.

And that's what keeps me alive.

I don't want that for you. I don't want that for any of you.

BANGING ON DOOR

Open the fucking door! >

Sha-a-ane! >

Where is he? >

What have you done? >

Back off and I'll come out.

Open the fucking gate, you dickhead!

I'm trying, you slag!

Back off. Shut the fuck up!

I deserve come-back for what I've done.

Shane!

So you get to dish out my punishment right here, right now.

Stop this now!

And you lot will be happy.

Shane, please...

Hurry up.

GUNSHOT

A-a-argh, you fucker!

He's my brother.

He's fucking shot me, a-a-argh!

Before you go any further, be warned.

You fuck with him and you fuck with me.

Come on, lads, we don't have all fucking day.

A-a-argh, fucking bastard!

You all right, brother?

Yeah, yeah.

Fucking stupid...

Martin isn't real, is he?

It's funny how you both have the exact same handwriting.

He is real, he is.

Twisted bitch.

Go on, Mother. Say it.

I told you so.

I know it's not the best time but it was work on the phone.

The postal depot's been burned to the ground.

What are we going to do?

Hey! What the fuck are you doing?

Frank! Get off me!

Fucking hell, what the fuck are you doing?

Oh, f...

You stupid little shit!

Shit.

EXPLOSION

What the fuck was that?

Argh, Mickey, me foot!

Whoa, come on, check this!

Come on, party!

'The older I get, the more I believe

'that some people are capable of love, like me.

'And others are incapable of love, like Frank.'

Fuck's sake...

'For whatever reason.

'Fear of commitment, a distorted view of freedom,

'the desire to stay young forever.'

♪ But you and me All we want to be, is lazy... ♪

'Loving someone who doesn't love you back is the most impossible

'situation imaginable, especially when the love

'is so strong and you're a slave to it.

'So I imagined a man who did...'

Twisted bitch.

'..to set me free.

'And I am.

'I'm choosing a different path.

'Starting a new life.

'Wherever my imagination takes me.'

SIREN

It's an ice-cream van, no-one believed to be in it, over.

Won't be needing that anyway, none of the fuckers can read.

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