Original subtitles

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Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express.

Come and watch pikeys making a mess of the lives

they were given by 'im upstairs.

And kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs.

Stay away!

What sounds on Earth could ever replace...

Oi!

Oi! ..kids needing money, or wives in your face.

(BARKS)

(BARKS) Cos this, people reckon, and me included, is why pubs

and drugs were kindly invented.

To calm us all down. To stop us going mental.

These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials.

Woah!

Woah! We are worth every penny for grinding your axes!

You shit on our head,

but you pay the taxes! (LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

Imagine a Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers,

who'd cum on your face for the price of a beer.

Make poverty history, cheaper drugs now!

(LAUGHS)

Make poverty history, cheaper drugs now!

(LAUGHS) Scatter! Party!

OPERA CD PLAYS

PADDY: 'They say it's about duty, this fatherhood thing. And love.

'Being there for them in times of need.'

'Well, I've done my duty and proved my love, time and again.

'Happily, no question.

'But what happens when your duty's done, when they don't need you

'any more and all that's left is the knackers' yard?'

'What happens then?'

(LAUGHS)

'Who could blame a man for wondering

'what different roads he might have taken?

'And who'd begrudge him a second stab at happiness

'if he was lucky enough to be given a chance?'

(SWITCHES OF CD)

Thank fuck for that. Me head's splitting.

I know all this is a bit, er, unexpected.

I'm grateful to you all for coming.

Thing is, there's something I need to tell you.

Thing is, there's something I need to tell you. You're not dying are you?

He's coming out of the closet. (GIGGLES)

I've met someone.

Her name's D'reen. D'reen Savage.

Sounds like a drag act.

We're going to live together.

That's what all this is in aid of, to tell us you're moving

some floozy in? Should have saved your energyand our time.

Please, Mimi. Please?

No. I'm moving out.

Where to?

We haven't decided yet. But away from here. Maybe as far as Wilmslow.

And what's going to happen to the family business

when you sail off into the sunset?

You can have it. Run it between yous. A parting gift.

You're not going to just sit here and listen to this bollocks are you?

You're not going to just sit here and listen to this bollocks are you? What do you want me to do?

Well, tell him you want him back!

Well, give it another go!

I'll stick the kettle on.

What happened to the kitchen?!

I put it in the washing machine and it shrank(!) Bailiffs.

We're behind on the HP payments.

What the fuck are we buying on HP?

Telly, DVD, washer, fridge, cooker, microwave, carpet.

You, whatever your name is. First rule. Tell him.

Never let the bailiffs in.

I showed you them. I tried to get you to do something about then

and you weren't interested!

So now they've handed the debts over to the bailiffs. We've got 21

days to raise the money we owe, then we can get our stuff back.

You have turned into one massive disappointment!

FLOOR BOARDS CREAK

Mimi, it's four o'clock in the morning.

We need to talk about Roscoe.

What about him?

He's been sniffing round The Jockey.

He's been sniffing round The Jockey. No way. We've an agreement.

He stays off The Chatsworth, I stay out of Moss Side. It's a truce.

Based on what?

Go on and do it. Go on!

Based on a Cold War doctrine of mutually assured destruction.

Roscoe and Glasgow McRae have made a deal.

Roscoe supplies McRae with cocaine

and McRae supplies him with a lot of money.

150 grand.

And you're going to rob it.

(SCOFFS) Mimi, listen, I'm not...

No, you listen to me.

Apart from Micky nobody wants to take over the business.

This is it for the Maguires.

The final curtain.

And the way I see it, it's the least you can do

to leave us financially secure.

Do that and you can go.

Think of it as a combined retirement fund for yours truly

and a start up fund for your children.

I've kept Roscoe away from you and the boys.

He doesn't know them.

But once he can identify them,

once they've

taken 150 grand from him...

he's going to come looking.

Not necessarily.

You should've buried him years ago.

Breakfast of champions.

All contributions are welcome, Frank.

Even yours, believe it or not.

Even yours, believe it or not. Clear off. Charity begins at home.

That's what it's for, you plonker.

Your home. Buy you a kettle and some cups and stuff.

Who said community was dead?

Any chance of a sub? I said I'd...

Any chance of a sub? I said I'd... No, there isn't.

Come on we're going.

Come on we're going. What?

Pint, please, Mimi, and an orange juice.

Oh, my God! Well, what did you expect?

You've hurt his pride, dented his fragile masculinity.

Then you come in here all lovey-dovey, flaunting the fact.

We're not flaunting anything.

Well, it's not how he sees it is it.

Here you go. Don't let your dad get his hands on it.

Thanks.

Go on then. Roscoe. Are we in?

Too fucking right we're in.

Too fucking right we're in. Not me. This is my life right here.

How scary is this Roscoe guy?

Yeah, but think of what we can do with dosh.

We'll get you off your back at Lillian's, open a place of our own.

We're in.

Where's Connor?

Asleep. You'll have to watch him. I'm going swimming.

Swimming?!

What's wrong, Jamie? Can't he spend a bit of time with his dad?

Not when his dad's pulling pints behind the bar he can't, no.

Not when his dad's pulling pints behind the bar he can't, no. Looked to me like you were chatting.

Or should I say planning?

I retired from the family business way back and you know that.

I'm not going back, that's a promise.

MOBILE BEEPS

Come on, come on, leave it, leave it!

Come on, come on, lucky dice!

THEY GROAN

Try again. Double up, double up. Come on.

All right, Liam? Fancy a flutter? Got 50 quid in the pot here

on the dice. Fiver minimum.

Yeah, all right.

Ten down, ten down, come on let's see your money.

Come on. Here we go. Are you ready for the eight?

All right let's have quiet.

All right let's have quiet. Come on. Seven.

Yes!

Yes! You lucky bastard!

Hang about, Liam.

It's too much for me, man.

Nah, I'm out.

Are you bluffing?!

You are, aren't you?

Can you lend me some more money?

You're skinning me here.

I'll give it back once I've won.

I'll give it back once I've won. THEY LAUGH

Fuck!

You weren't bluffing.

But I was.

Sorry Liam, you lose.

I can lend you some more money if you're still feeling lucky.

Chalk this one up to experience then, yeah?

What about the extra hundred?

It was a loan. Pay me back whenever.

Say, erm, Wednesday?

Oh, my God.

I wanted to see if she actually existed.

Here you go.

Congratulations. I know, we're through to the finals.

You should have said Mimi was coming.

I didn't know.

I saw him coming in.Well, it's lovely to finally meet ya. Patrick's told me so much about ya.

And you must have an ex somewhere in your murky past, Doreen?

Divorced. A long time ago.

Kids?No way.

I'm far too selfish, too wrapped up in the arts, you know.

Theatre and opera.

Although my first love is the salsa.

Or itwasme first love.

There's an old Cuban saying, right, that's where it's from, the salsa,

that when you're on your knees and your heart's broken in two,

that's when the spirit of salsa comes in and it finds you and it heals you.

So where did you two meet?

Community centre, of all places.

D'reen was giving dance lessons for the rejected and the terminally needy.Nice!

I'll just go to the little girls' room.

None of this was done to make you jealous.

There's an old Liverpool saying, Paddy,

that "when you've got your head too far up your arse, you won't smell the shit any more".

This is your mid-life crisis, not mine.

Time for a reality check.

Reality's OK for a holiday but you wouldn't want to live there.

All I want from you is to make sure my boys are ready to handle Roscoe and whoever comes after him!

It won't be subtle.

Subtle won't do with Roscoe.

So we're going to proper work him over then?

A bit more final than that, son.

If he sees your faces, you'll be marked men. It'll be him or you.

So we go in armed to the teeth and we go in brutal.

And for that I need to know that you can handle a gun.

Load it, aim it, and make it safe.

Other way!

Breach it.

Hang on a minute, you want to, er...

Fucking hell!

I said aim, not fucking shoot!

Fuck!

What the hell was I thinking?

Right... From here on, you two just concentrate on surveillance.

Oh, what?I want to know who Roscoe meets, where he goes.

People, places, times. Got it?

Got it?!Yes.

And remember,

keep a low profile.

I heard, right, that he tore the heart out of some guy's chest with his bare hands and ate it.

While it was still beating.

Why?How the fuck should I know?

He's a psycho. >

Fuck!

Has he gone?Yeah.

PHONE VIBRATES

Haven't seen you for a while.

I thought that was how you wanted it. Playing happy families.

Doesn't mean I never want to see ya.

It's all too complicated for me.

When you want me - and I mean want me -

you know where I am.

You can have him if you want for an hour.

Not very nice, considering he's yours.

How come you try and off-load him all the time?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Yeah you do. Every time you look at him it reminds you...

You were shagging me every chance you got and you fucking loved it

and then you went home and lied to poor old Jamie

and now it's eating away at ya, the guilt.

Cos you want to do it again. Don't ya?

Fuck you, Joe.Anytime.

You know what, this thing with me dad.

The dancing. This woman he's met.

Nah, it won't last.

Mam says it's a mid-life crisis.

Y'know some blokes grow a pony tail.

Or buy a huge motor bike what they can't even drive.

I need a piss.

MOBILE RINGS

McRae, how's Glasgow?

It's always fucking freezing up there, innit?

The land the sun forgot.

Tomorrow night, eight o'clock.

Ferry Road. The old warehouse.

Do you know it?

The lads haven't got satnav.

Caught you...

Giving me the eye.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what the fuck!

Nah, mate.

We're leaving.What?

Now!

Oi! Get your sticky fingers out of my till.

You thieving little toe-rag!

Joe, I wasn't!Yes, you were! Are you in on this?

What you on about?Hands off.

Get off me.Let him go.

I wasn't stealing.He saw ya!

I saw ya.

Liam...

Thanks again, I promise you it'll be sorted.Good.

OK, bye.Bye.

A truancy officer?

Look, I should be at work.

I only popped out to get some veg, so stop messing me about and talk.

I'm always late cos I have to look after Stella and Dad.

When you're late, you get detention and that means I'm home late

and that causes even more trouble with Stella and Dad.

So it's easier not to go in. And does Frank know about this?

Don't tell him!

Let me.

Why did you have your hands in Joe's till.

I needed money.

How much do you owe?

Liam.

I borrowed 50 but when the interest kicked in it turned into 1,500.

Now it's more and I don't know what to do.

Er, D'reen, let me introduce you to my boys.

Shane, Micky. D'reen.

Hiya.

Micky.

I shouldn't have come.

No, stay.

I don't want to be in the middle of you and your family, Patrick. I'll sort it.

Show some respect!

Dad, about Roscoe.He's a Hodgie.

What?He plays the pink oboe.

He's a receiver of swollen goods. Will you shut the fuck up?

What the fuck's he talking about? He's gay.Gay?

I was at his wedding and at his wife's funeral.

He was in a gay bar. He probably didn't realise.

He shoved his cock at me through a hole in a bog wall!

What the fuck were you doing? That's not the point!

The point is the deal is happening tomorrow, 8 o'clock.

Is this some kind of a wind up?No.

You actually heard him say it?

Eight o'clock?Yeah.

I can't make it.What?

I've promised to be somewhere with D'reen.

I'm sorry.

You're on your own.

If you could be anywhere in the world right now, anywhere at all, where would you be?

Where?

Here.

You happy?

Happier, I think, than I've ever been in my life.

We're good together.

Is your passport up to date?

I think so.

I don't belong here Patrick, not deep down, not in me soul, and neither do you.

We need the heat and the colour and the mystery.

I want us to go to Cuba.

We could get a late deal, fortnight all inclusive?

I was thinking the rest of our lives.

I don't love him.

Of course you love him.

You're just tired. Things'll get easier.

No,

I look at him and I don't even recognise him.

I'm not seeing him,

seeing stuff.

What sort of stuff?

Thoughts. Bad thoughts.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Go away!

You all right?

Karen?

She's fine! >

Look, son...

I know how you feel about coming in on the Roscoe job and I respect that but hear me out...

Believe me I wouldn't be here if there were any other way

but I can't trust Micky and Shane with this.

Roscoe'll eat them for breakfast.

Why what's happened?

I'm in the final of the salsa dancing championship

tonight at eight with D'reen.

So blow her out, dad.

I can't.

Well, call the job off.

Then I'm letting the family down and your mother.

She'll never let me hear the last of it.

Fuck's sake!

I want my money.

You said Wednesday.

You've got till tonight, do you understand?

Midnight, then I'll come looking for ya.

Empty your pockets.

All right give us your bag.

Why?

They're the school's.

Collateral. You can have 'em back when you've paid me.

Listen, Jamie... Tell me to mind my own, yeah,

but I saw Karen yesterday and she didn't look too bright.

To be honest I was a bit worried about her.

I don't think she's coping.

Don't worry about it. She's fine.

Jamie...

Your dad talked you round then? You OK with it all?

Fine.

If you get caught, you go down, you don't come back.

Don't worry, I'll make sure there's no witnesses, yeah.

Yes, love?

Yeah, I've just seen a guy nicking a car.

A silver BMW.

Yeah, I've got the number plate and everything.

I'm telling ya, your customers are

going to be bouncing off the walls with that shit.

Give McRae my best, tell him

he's welcome in Moss Side anytime, as my guest.

Nice one.

Come on, then!

Dickheads!

They've nicked the bloody car!

They've nicked the bloody car! Bastards.

PHONE RINGS

Yeah.

Good.

And Jamie? Thanks.

POLICE SIREN

Hello, officers, what seems to be the problem?

This is private property, mate.

Yeah, I thought I would do a bit of dogging.

Hey, that's a bit fucking previous!

Shut the fuck up!

Hang on, I know you.

Argh!

Argh!

Give me the fucking key!

Give me the key!

Make my fucking day!

Give it here, mate. Get the money!

When I find out who you fuckers are!

Night, night.

Shoot him. Do it!

POLICE SIREN

You didn't get rid of the tracking device?

What's a tracking device?

Fucking hell, come on!

Fuckers!

How long have we got?

Time enough for this.

INTENSE LATIN AMERICAN MUSIC

Here shove that in the till.

Nice one!

Happy hour, drinks on the house!

Right, that's me. I'm off to squeeze into a rubber nun's outfit

and get pissed out my brain. See you tomorrow.

Have a good one.

Karen?

What are you doing here? Karen!

Dad, I have to tell you something.

You're running away to join the Taleban?

I can't look after you and Stella on my own. It's not fair.

Well, get Carl to help ya.

I need you to help.

I need another drink.

Whoa! Fuck. Ship to shore.

Hey, this won't make you happy, you know.

Well, it will temporarily, you're just anesthetising yourself.

Women, they'll just break your heart.

Fuck off!

Come here.

Everyone knows you're a crap dad. Don't you even care?

I love my family!

I can't wait till I'm old enough to get away from ya.

Well, go!

What you waiting for then, just fuck off, why don't ya!

Cos I can't!

You've got to do something about all the trouble we're in.

Shut the fuck...Dad!

Has a girl just passed you? Jeans, dark hair?

No, sorry.

Karen?

What is it? What's happened?

Karen, are you OK?

I could never do anything to harm him.

Who are you talking about?

Karen, where is he?

Where's Connor?

What have you done with him?

Hate being a nun, me. Shite, innit?

Mimi.

It's fake, innit?

Happy hour's over. Drink up.

You can fuck off!

I've been gambling too.

I owe him 100 quid and he wants it back, right now.

He's got my schoolbooks

and if I don't get them back, that'll be more money I owe.

I don't know what to do and it's all your fault!

I'm sorry Liam...

Come on, then you, fucker! Have a go at someone your own size!

Come on then, dickhead.

Get off me!

Whoa, whoa...

Piss off back to your girlfriend!

Left it... left it... hey... hey...

Liam, Liam.

Please forgive me?

LATIN AMERICAN MUSIC

MOBILE RINGS

Yeah.

We've been shafted.

Those tight-arsed Scotch bastards were ripping Roscoe with dud money!

And what happens if he works out it was us turning him over?

You're going to have to forget your happily-ever-after with Doreen.

Do not tell me what I can and cannot do!

Turn the phone off, Patrick.

PHONE RINGS AGAIN

Karen?

Maxine?

You're with her now?

No, well I'm... Busy.

What do you mean she's in a bad way?

Maxine...

Calm down.

Call Jamie. She asked for me?

Hold on, what have I...

Come on, Patrick?

APPLAUSE

MUSIC STARTS

Sorry.

Sorry. Patrick!

Patrick, please.

I'm sorry, all right.

She brought him here so she could...give him back.

She got it into her head than Connor might not be hers.

The night sister on the maternity ward's a mate.

She wasn't happy but she's let us take him without any major fuss.

I persuaded hernot to call social services.

Told her she got muddled up with the medication.

I'm out of my depth here.

She needs a really good sleep and a bit of support.

And after that...

I don't know.

Thanks.

(WHISPERS) Hey, sweetheart, come here.

Come on, it's OK.

Joe warned me she was going off the rails, or tried to.

I should have listened. (SIGHS)

I need to speak to him, apologise.

I was too busy worrying about Roscoe and his fake fucking money.

Fortunately for us, he'll get at least ten for previous,

keep him offourbacks.

(SIGHS)

I've let you down today.

I'm sorry.

You came back then?

It was something I had to do.

It couldn't have waited?

As it happens, no.

It was my daughter-in-law, she needed me.

And what would happen if she needs you when we're in Cuba?

I'm sorry.

We can do whatever we were going to do in Cuba right here.

I can't just walk away, D'reen.

My family need me.

They don't need me.

They don't want me.

I'm sorry, Patrick.

SLOW APPLAUSE

Come on, have you got no homes to go to?

Fuck. Off.

MOBILE RINGS

Yeah?

'If I die, does my debt die with me?'

Ah?

'If I was to die, would you write off my debt?'

Who the f...

Liam? Is that you?

Frank! Fucking now, Frank!

OK, OK.

For crying out loud, Liam. I'm sorry, OK?

I don't know what came over me.

'Not good enough, Dad.'

Li...

Oh, fu... No, no. Steady. Steady...Liam!

Come on.

Come on. Liam!

Liam.

Don't comeanycloser.

Get down, son.

Why should I? What have I got to live for?

You've got your whole life ahead of ya.

> Just... Just think of all the great things that you're going to do,

all the stuff... you're going to achieve. >

You can't just throw it away because I acted like a twat.

Come on...

I'll jump!

All right, all right. Just... I'm ashamed of what I did.

I've been lonely and I didn't know what there was left for me.

I was feeling sorry for meself.

As usual.

Liam!

Stay there!

Police, please.

OK, please, Liam. >

Don't hurt yourself just to punish me, I'm not worth it.

You said it.

Cos it's true.

You said I was a massive disappointment.

What?! >

I... I didn't mean it. No, you've neverbeen a disappointment to me.

Notever,not for one minute.

What about the furniture and the debts?

The debts? Oh... >

We're not about the money!

And as for the furniture, I never liked it in the first place.

I fucking hated it!

Liam, if you don't get down from there, I'll kick your arse!

Just shut up, Carl.

If anything happens to him, I'llfuckingkill you!

THEY BICKER

Look at you all fighting. Again!

Fucking hell. No, Liam!

Liam, no! We only want to help ya...

Stay away!

All right, all right.

LIAM, GET DOWN!

NO, NO. NO! Listen!

We love ya, we need ya.

MOBILE RINGS

(ALL) Whoa!

Whoa, whoa. Listen, Liam! Listen to me!

Joe... Joe has got something to tell ya. Haven't ya, Joe?

Get back!

Yeah... That hundred quid?

Forget about it, OK?

You don't owe me a penny.

I should have stopped ya, OK? I took advantage.

Is all this to do with you?

Shut the fuck up!

So look, Liam. I've got a mate who works in one of them...MFI places?

He'll sort you out, on me.

Please just... Son, just come down.

I promise there'll be no more cooking and cleaning

and running about after the rest of us.

We'll all chip in and take the pressure off ya, eh?

How does that sound?

Sounds great, dad. Trouble is I don't believe ya.

I swear on me life!

Dad, you've never kept a promise.

(ALL) NO!

What? I'm getting my mobile.

Don't forget - you two made a promise.

I'm loving the shirt.

It's very you.

D'you think?

(SIGHS) Me neither.

'No-one ever said it was going to be easy, being a parent,

'being a dad, but they never said it was going to be this hard either.

'You choose your road early and you walk until

'one day you realise you've gone too far to turn back and pick another.

'Was it the great love of my life or just a midlife crisis?

'Who knows, maybe she was both.

'And at my age, that's enough because the fact is I've lived my life,

'lived it the way I wanted, no regrets.

'And besides, we'll always have the salsa.'

They're here.

It's the social!

I'm a marked man, eyes following me everywhere, waiting to pounce.

'You can't go running out every time it gets rough.'

Stay out of my fucking business, Dad!

Are you leaving me?

"Know thine enemy," Francis.

Libby.

Don't go! This was meant to be!

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