Original subtitles

No, Amy, it's definitely not the fifth moon of Sinda Callista.

I think I can see a Ryman's.

Amy! Amy!

Argh!

Doctor!

It's saying we're on Earth!

Essex, Colchester.

Doctor?!

It's taking off again.

Doctor, can you hear me?

Amy!

Amy...

Hello? Hello, please? Hello?

I need your help. There's been an accident.

Please, help me.

Hello?

Please, will you help me?

Help you?

- What's wrong? - Something terrible's happened.

Please help me.

Craig, what's that on the ceiling?

- What's what on the ceiling? - That!

It's coming from upstairs.

Who lives up there again?

Just some bloke.

So what's the plan tonight? Pizza, booze, telly?

Yeah, pizza, booze, telly.

What is he doing up there?

- You put the advert up yet? - Yeah, did it today, paper shop window.

"One furnished room available immediately, shared kitchen, bathroom,

"with 27-year-old male, non-smoker, £400 pcm -

"per calendar month - suit young professional."

Mmm, sounds ideal. That's your mission in life, Craig - find me a man!

Yeah, otherwise you'll have to settle for me.

You'll have to settle for me first.

Oh, Melina again.

What?

Right.

Yeah, but I've kind of got plans.

No, it's nothing important, it's just Craig.

- Oh, thanks, Soph! - Sorry, you know what I mean!

OK, I'll talk to Craig. OK.

Now she's having a Dylan crisis on top of the Clare crisis.

It could be another all-nighter. I'm sorry, but I really should go.

Do you mind if I go?

No, not at all. No, honestly, course not, go.

- Cos I could stay. - No, go on.

- I mean, we've got plans. - Just pizza.

Yeah, it's just pizza.

OK! Right, I'm going.

All right, then. Well, um, I'll see you soon.

Yeah.

All right, and give me a call, and I hope everything's OK.

Thanks, sorry.

Just tell her.

Just tell her, "I love you."

"I love you." Oh, jus...

"Hey, I don't know if you knew..."

Oh!

Every time!

I love you. I love you.

I love you.

I love you!

Well, that's good, cos I'm your new lodger. Do you know,

this is going to be easier than I expected!

But I only put the advert up today, I didn't put my address.

Well, aren't you lucky I came along? More lucky than you know.

Less of a young professional, more of an ancient amateur,

but frankly I'm an absolute dream.

Hang on, mate, I don't know if I want you staying,

and give me back those keys, you can't have those!

Yes, quite right. Have some rent.

That's probably quite a lot, isn't it? Looks like a lot.

Is it a lot? I can never tell.

Don't spend it all on sweets. Unless you like sweets. I like sweets. Ooh.

That's how we greet each other nowadays, isn't it? I'm the Doctor.

Well, they call me the Doctor, I don't know why.

I call me the Doctor too. Still don't know why.

- Craig Owens. The Doctor? - Yep.

- Who lives upstairs? - Just some bloke.

What does he look like?

Normal. He's very quiet.

Usually.

Sorry, who are you again? Hello?!

Excuse me...

Ah! I suppose that's...dry rot?

- Or damp. Or mildew. - Or none of the above.

- I'll get someone to fix it. - No, I'll fix it.

I'm good at fixing rot. Call me the Rotmeister.

No, I'm the Doctor, don't call me the Rotmeister.

This is the most beautiful parlour I have ever seen -

you're obviously a man of impeccable taste.

I can stay, Craig, can't I? Say I can.

- You haven't even seen the room. - The room?

- Your room. - My room?

Oh, yes, my room, my room.

Take me to my room!

Yeah, this is Mark's old room.

He owns the place, moved out about a month ago.

This uncle he'd never even heard of died and left a load of money in the will.

How very convenient.

This'll do just right. In fact...

No time to lose. I'll take it.

Ah...you'll want to see my credentials.

There... National Insurance number...

NHS number...

References....

Is that a reference from the Archbishop of Canterbury?

I'm his special favourite.

Are you hungry?

I'm hungry.

I haven't got anything in.

You've got everything I need for an omelette fines herbes! Pour deux!

- So who's the girl on the fridge? - My friend, Sophie.

Girlfriend?

A friend who's a girl. There's nothing going on.

Ah, that's completely normal. Works for me.

We met at work about a year ago at the call centre.

Oh, really, a communications exchange? That could be handy.

Firm's going down, though.

The boss is using a totally rubbish business model.

I know what they should do, I got a plan all worked out,

but I'm just a phone drone, I can't go running in, saying I know best.

Why am I telling you this? I don't even know you.

Well, I've got one of those faces.

People never stop blurting out their plans while I'm around.

Right, where's your stuff?

Don't worry - it'll materialise,

if all goes to plan.

Oh, which one, which one?! No!

Why won't you land?!

Oh, that was incredible!

That was absolutely brilliant.

Where did you learn to cook?

Paris, in the 18th century. No, hang on,

that's not recent, is it? 17th?

No, no, no, 20th.

Sorry, I'm not used to doing them in the right order.

Has anyone ever told you that you're a bit weird?

They never really stop. Ever been to Paris, Craig?

Nah, I can't see the point of Paris.

- I'm not much of a traveller. - I can tell from your sofa.

- My sofa? - You're starting to look like it.

Thanks, mate, that's lovely!

No, I like it here.

I'd miss it, I'd miss...

- Those keys? - What?

You're sort of...

...fondling them.

- I'm holding them. - Right.

Anyway...

these...

these are your keys.

I can stay?

Yeah, you're weird and you can cook - it's good enough for me.

Right, outdoor, front door,

- your door. - My door. My place.

My gaff. Ha-ha! Yes! Me with a key.

And listen, Mark and I, we had an arrangement where,

if you ever need me out of your hair, just give me a shout, OK?

Why would I want that?

In case you want to bring someone round. A girlfriend or a...

boyfriend?

Oh, I will. I'll shout if that happens.

Yes. Something like...

I was not expecting this!

By the way, that...

the rot...

I've got the strangest feeling we shouldn't touch it.

Earth to Pond, Earth to Pond.

- Come in, Pond. - Doctor!

Ooh!

- Sorry! - Could you not wreck my new earpiece?

No, I mean, he seems a laugh.

He's a bit weird. Good weird, you know?

And he just happens to have three grand on him in a paper bag?

Yeah.

Wait, wait. "The Doctor"?!

Craig, what if he's a dealer?

Hello?Stop, please.

Can you hear me? I need your help.

How's the TARDIS coping?

See for yourself.

Ooh, nasty.

She's locked in a materialisation loop, trying to land again, but she can't.

And whatever's stopping her is upstairs in that flat.

So go upstairs and sort it!

Please. My little girl's hurt.

I don't know what it is yet.

Anything that can stop the TARDIS from landing is big - scary big.

Wait...aren't you scared?

I'm so sorry, but will you help me? Please.

Help you?

A bow tie? Are you serious?!

Hang on a sec.

What? Craig!

Craig?

...Orange juice, eocenes Arbuckle, rare tarantula on the table, ooh!

I can't go up there until I know what it is and how to deal with it,

and it is vital that this "man" upstairs doesn't realise who and what I am.

So no sonicing.

No advanced technology. I can only use this cos we're on scramble.

To anyone else hearing this conversation, we're talking absolute gibberish.

Practical eruption in chicken.

Descartes Lombardy spiral.

All I've got to do is pass as an ordinary human being.

Simple. What could possibly go wrong?

- Have you seen you? - So...

you're just going to be snide? No helpful hints?

Hmm, well, here's one... bow tie, get rid!

Bow ties are cool.

Come on, Amy, I'm a normal bloke, tell me what normal blokes do.

They watch telly, they play football,

they go down the pub.

I could do those things. I don't, but I could.

Hang on. Wait, wait, wait! Amy?!

Interesting.

Localised time loop.

Ow! What's all that?

Time distortion. Whatever's happening upstairs is still affecting you.

It's stopped...ish!

- How about your end? - My end's good.

So, doesn't sound great, but nothing to worry about?

No, no, no, not really. Just keep the zigzag plotter on full,

that'll protect you.

Argh!

- Amy, I said the zigzag plotter! - I pulled the zigzag plotter!

- You've got the door behind you? - Yes!

OK, take two steps to your right and pull it again!

Oh.

Now, I must not use the sonic. I've got work to do,

- need to pick up a few items. - Hey!

Ssh!

Don't get comfortable.

La Donna è Mobile

- Doctor! - Hello?

- How long are you going to be in there? - Oh, sorry, I like a good soak!

- What the hell was that? - What did you say?

I'm just going to go upstairs, see if he's OK.

Sorry?

What did you say?

- Yes? Hello? - Craig?

Ow!

It's me from downstairs. I heard a big bang.

No choice...it's sonicing time.

Thank you, Craig, but I don't need your help.

Oops!

- What happened, what's going on? - Is that my toothbrush?

- Correct. You spoke to the man upstairs? - Yeah.

What did he look like?

More normal than you do at the moment, mate.

- What are you doing? - I thought you might be in trouble.

Thanks! Well if I ever am, you can come and save me

with my toothbrush.

- Ooh! Hello. - Wah!

Hello! The Doctor.

- Oh. Right. - Er...you must be Sophie.

Mm-hm.

Oh...oh!

No, Dom's in Malta, there's nobody around. Hang on a sec.

We've got a match today, pub league, we're one down if you fancy it.

Pub league? A drinking competition?

- No...football...play football? - Football!

Yes, blokes play football! I'm good at football, I think.

You've saved my life! ...I've got somebody. All right, see you down there.

Hey, Soph.

Hey, I thought I'd come early and meet your new flatmate.

Do you play, Sophie?

No, Soph just stands on the sidelines. She's my mascot.

I'm your mascot? Mascot?!

Well, not my mascot. It's a football match, I can't take a date.

- I didn't say I was your date. - Neither did I.

Better get dressed.

Oh, spare kit's just in the bottom drawer.

Bit of a mess.

- What do you think? - You didn't say he was gorgeous!

You unlocked the door. How did you do that? Those are your keys.

You must have left them last time you came here.

Yeah, but I... How do you know these are my keys?

- I've been holding them. - I have got another set.

You've got two sets of keys

- to someone else's house? - Yeah.

I see.

You must like it here too.

So I'm going out. If I hang about the house all the time,

him upstairs might get suspicious, notice me.

Football. OK, well done. That is normal.

Yeah, football, all outdoorsy.

Now, football's the one with the sticks, isn't it?

What are you actually called, what's your proper name?

- Just call me the Doctor. - Yeah.

I can't say to these guys, "Hey, this is my new flatmate, he's called the Doctor."

- Why not? - Cos it's weird.

- All right, Craig? - Hey!

- Hey. - Soph. All right, mate?

Hello, I'm Craig's new flatmate.

- I'm called the Doctor. - All right, Doctor. I'm Sean.

- Where are you strongest? - Arms.

No, he means what position on the field?

Not sure. The front? The side?

- Below? - Are you any good, though?

Let's find out!

We're going to win!

That's not bad.

Yes. Go!

One two, one two!

Go on, Doctor, go on, Doctor!

You're brilliant, you're amazing!

- Come on, Craig. - Yes.

Come on, Craig, show them what you've got!

I love this game!

Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor!

Please can you help me?

Can you help me, please?

Can you help me?

Hello?

I've lost my mum and I don't know where she is. Please can you help me?

Help you?

You poor thing, what's happened?

Can you help me find her?

You are so on the team!

Next week we've got the Crown and Anchor. We'll annihilate them!

No violence, do you understand me? Not while I'm around,

not today, not ever. I'm the Doctor, the oncoming storm...

and you meant beat them in a football match, didn't you?

- Yeah. - Lovely. What sort of time?

Amy?

Amy!

- It's happening again - worse! - What does the scanner say?

A lot of nines.

Is it good that they're nines? Tell me it's good that they're all nines!

Yes, yes, it's...it's good! Zigzag plotter, zigzag plotter, Amy.

- Argh! - Amy? Are you there?

- Amy? - Yes, hello.

Ah, thank heavens. I thought the TARDIS had been flung off into the vortex

with you inside it, lost for ever.

You mean that could actually happen?!

- You have got to get me out of here. - How are the numbers?

All fives.

Fives?

Even better.

Still, it means the effect's almost unbelievably powerful and dangerous,

but don't worry.

Hang on, OK?

- I've got some rewiring to do. - Hey! You..."hang on"!

Hello, flatmate.

Hey, man. Um...

Listen, Sophie's coming round tonight,

and I was wondering if you could give us some space.

Oh, don't mind me. You won't even know I'm here.

That's the idea.

Yes, perfect! What a beauty!

- That's got bigger. - Oh, yeah.

Are we going out?

I've had a bit of a weird day. Can we do pizza, booze, telly?

Great, love it! Wait.

No Melina, no crises, no interruptions.

Great. Excellent.

Um, Soph...

I've...

I think...

Where's this going?

I think that we...

...should...

Mm?

- Hello. - What?

Whoops, sorry.

Don't worry, I wasn't listening - in a world of my own down there.

- I thought you were going out. - Just reconnecting all the electrics.

It's a real mess. Where's the on-switch for this?

- He really is on his way out. - I don't mind, if you don't mind.

- I don't mind. Why would I mind? - Then stay.

- Have a drink with us. - What? Do I have to stay now?

- Do you want to stay? - I don't mind.

- OK! - Great!

Cos life can seem pointless, Doctor. Work, weekend, work, weekend.

And there's six billion people on the planet doing pretty much the same.

Six billion people? Watching you two at work,

I'm starting to wonder where they all come from.

- What? What do you mean by that? - So, the call centre's no good, then.

What do you really want to do?

Don't laugh. I only ever told Craig about it.

- Hmm? - I want to work looking after animals.

Maybe abroad. I saw this orang-utan sanctuary on telly.

- What's stopping you? - She can't.

- You need loads of qualifications. - Yeah, true.

Plus it's scary. Everyone I know lives round here.

Craig got offered a job in London, better money, didn't take it.

What's wrong with staying here? I can't see the point of London.

Well, perhaps that's you, then. You'll just have to stay here, secure,

and a little bit miserable, until the day you drop.

Better than trying and failing, eh?

- You think I'd fail? - Everybody's got dreams, Sophie.

Very few are going to achieve them, so why pretend?

Perhaps, in the whole, wide universe, a call centre is where you should be.

Why are you saying that? That's horrible!

- Is it true? - Of course not.

I'm not staying in a call centre all my life. I can do anything I want!

Oh! Yeah! Right!

Oh, my God! Did you see what he just did?

No, sorry. What's happening? Are you going to live with monkeys now?

It's a big old world, Sophie.

Work out what's really keeping you here, eh?

I don't know.

Dunno.

So, are you going to be taking off, then, seeing the world?

What? Do you think I should?

Yeah...

Like the Doctor says, what's keeping you here?

Yeah, exactly! What?

- Bye. - See you.

- See you in a bit. - Yeah.

Right. Shield's up.

Let's scan!

- What are you getting? - Upstairs.

No traces of high technology. Totally...

normal. No no, no, no.

It can't be! It's too normal.

Only for you could too normal be a problem.

You said I could be lost for ever. Just go upstairs.

Without knowing, and get myself killed? Then you really are lost.

If I could just get a look in there...

Hold on.

Use the data bank,

get me the plans of this building - its history, the layout, everything.

Meanwhile, I shall recruit a spy.

The Rotmeister...

Ah!

Ow!

Craig!

Craig. Breakfast. It's normal.

Craig?

Craig!

Craig, I told you not to touch it! What's that?

An unfamiliar and obviously poisonous substance.

"Oh, I know what would be really clever - I'll stick my hand in it!"

Come on, Craig, breathe.

Come on, Craig, breathe! Thems are healthy footballer's lungs!

Right. Reverse the enzyme decay.

Excite the tannin molecules.

- I've got to go to work. - On no account. You need rest.

One more.

It's the planning meeting, it's important.

You're important.

You're going to be fine, Craig.

What?!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Oh, afternoon.

I'm so sorry, Michael, I don't know what happened.

- I've got no excuse. - I'm afraid

that's not what my screen is telling me, Mr Lang.

What's he doing here? What are you doing here?

If that's your attitude, Mr Lang, I suggest you take your custom elsewhere.

No, no! That's one of my best clients!

Hello, Craig, how are you feeling? Had some time to kill.

I was curious, never worked in an office. Never worked in anywhere.

You're insane!

Leave off the Doctor, I love the Doctor.

He was brilliant in the planning meeting.

You went to the planning meeting?

Yes. I was your representative. We don't need Mr Lang any more. Rude Mr Lang.

Here you go, and I found some custard creams.

Sophie, my hero.

Hi, Craig. I went on the web, applied for a wildlife charity thing.

They said I could always start as a volunteer straightaway.

- Should I do it? - Yeah, great, yeah, good, go for it.

You look awful. About turn! Bed. Now.

Who next? Oh, yes.

Hello, Mr Joergensen. Can you hold? I have to eat a biscuit.

What the hell...?

Have you been upstairs?

Yes?

You can do it. Show me what's up there. What's behind that door?

Try to show me.

Oh, that doesn't make sense! Ever see anyone go up there?

Lots of people? Good, good. What kind of people?

- Miaow. - People who never came back down.

That's bad. That's very bad.

- Oh, hello. - I can't take this any more.

I want you to go!

- You can have this back, an' all. - What have I done?

- For a start, talking to a cat. - Lots of people talk to cats.

Everybody loves you, and you're better at football than me, and my job,

and now Sophie's all, "Oh, monkeys, monkeys!" And then...there's that!

It's art! A statement on modern society.

- "Ooh, ain't modern society awful?" - Me and you, it's not going to work.

You've been here three days, the three weirdest days of my life.

- Your days will get much weirder if I go. - I thought it was good weird. It's bad.

- I can't do this! - I can't leave.

Like you, I can't see the point of anywhere else.

- Madrid, ha, what a dump! I have to stay. - No, you don't, you have to leave!

- I can't go! - Just get out!

Right! Only way. I'm going to show you something, but ssh, really, ssh!

Oh, I am going to regret this. OK, right...

- First, general background! - Yargh!

Oh!

Ow!

- You're a... - Yes.

- From... - Ssh.

- You've got a TARDIS! - Yes. Ssh!

Eleventh!

Right... OK, specific detail.

Argh!

Amy! Amy!

You saw my ad

- in the paper shop window. - Yes, with this right above it.

Which is odd, because Amy hasn't written it yet. Time travel, it can happen.

That's a scanner! You've used...

non-technological technology of Lammasteen.

Shut up!

Please can you help me?

Hi.

- Please. Will you help me? - What's the matter, my love?

Help you?

Argh!

I am never, never doing that ever, ever again... Amy!

That's Amy Pond!

Oh, of course, you can understand us now, hurrah! ...Got those plans yet?

- Still searching for them. - I've worked it out

- with psychic help from a cat. - Cat?

Yes. I know he's got a time engine in the flat upstairs.

He's using innocent people to try and launch it.

Whenever he does, they get burnt up, hence the stain...

- From the ceiling. - Well done, Craig.

And you, Miss Pond, nearly get thrown off

- into the Vortex. - Lovely.

People are dying up there!

People are dying... People are dying... People are dying... People are dying...

- Amy! - Doctor!

They're being killed!

- Someone's up there. - Oh, my...!

Doctor! Hang on!

Craig, come on - someone's dying up there.

It's Sophie. It's Sophie that's dying up there, it's Sophie!

Doctor! Argh!

- Where's Sophie? - Wait, wait!

- Amy? - Are you upstairs?

- Just going in. - You can't be upstairs.

- Of course I can be upstairs! - Come on!

No! I've got the plans. You cannot be upstairs, it's a one-storey building.

There is no upstairs!

What?

- What? - Oh. Oh, of course!

The time engine isn't in the flat. The time engine is the flat -

someone's attempt to build a TARDIS.

No, there's always been an upstairs.

- Has there? Think about it. - Yes.

No. I don't...

Perception filter. It's more than a disguise. It tricks your memory.

Sophie!

Sophie! Oh, my God, Sophie!

- Craig! - It's controlling her. It's willing her

- to touch the activator. - It's not going to have her!

Argh!

- Ah! Deadlock seal! - You've got to do something!

What? Why's it let her go?

- You will help me. - Right! Stop!

Crashed ship, let's see.

Hello. I'm Captain Troy Handsome of International Rescue.

Please state the nature of your emergency.

The ship has crashed. The crew are dead.

- A pilot is required. - You're the emergency crash program.

A hologram. What? You've been luring people up here so you can try them out?

You will help me, you will help me, you will help me.

Craig! Where am I?

Hush! ...Human brains aren't strong enough, they just burn, but you're stupid.

- You just keep trying. - 17 people have been tried.

- 6,000,400,026 remain. - Seriously, what is going on?

Oh, for goodness' sake! The top floor of Craig's building is an alien spaceship,

intent on slaughtering the population of this planet.

Any questions? No, good.

- Yes, I have questions. - The correct pilot has now been found.

Yes, I was worried you'd say that.

He means you, Doctor, doesn't he?

The correct pilot has been found.

The correct pilot has been found. The correct pilot has been found.

What's happening?

- It's pulling me in! I'm the new pilot! - Could you do it?

Could you fly the ship safely?

No, I'm way too much for this ship. My hand touches that panel,

the planet doesn't blow up, the whole solar system does.

The correct pilot has been found.

No...worst choice ever, I promise you. Stop this!

Doctor, it's getting worse.

It doesn't want everyone. Craig, it didn't want you!

I spoke to him and he said I couldn't help him!

It didn't want Sophie before today, but now it does. What's changed?

Argh! No!

I gave her the idea of leaving! It's a machine that needs to leave.

It wants people who want to escape, and you don't want to leave, Craig.

- You're Mr Sofa Man. - Doctor!

Craig, you can shut down the engine.

Put your hand on the panel and concentrate on why you want to stay!

- Craig, no! - Will it work?

- Yes! - Are you sure?

- Yes! - Is that a lie?

Of course it's a lie!

It's good enough for me. Geronimo!

- Craig! - Doctor!

Craig, what's keeping you here?

Think about everything that makes you want to stay here! Why don't you want to leave?

Sophie! I don't want to leave Sophie!

I can't leave Sophie! I love Sophie!

I love you, too, Craig, you idiot!

- Doctor! - Honestly, do you mean that?

- Of course I mean it! Do you mean it? - I've always meant it. Seriously, though,

- do you mean it? - Yes.

- Ugh! - What about the monkeys?

Oh, not now, not again! Craig, the planet's about to burn!

For God's sake, kiss the girl!

Kiss the girl!

Doctor!

You've done it.

Ha-ha!

You've done it! Oh...

now the screen's just zeros...now it's minus ones, minus twos, minus threes...

Big yes!

Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me.

- Big no. - Help me. Help me. Help me.

- Help me. Help me. Help me. - Did we switch it off?

Emergency shutdown. It's imploding. Everybody out, out, out!

Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me.

Help me. Help me. Help me.

- Doctor! - Help me. Help me. Help me...

Look at them. Didn't they see that? The whole top floor just vanished.

Perception filter. There never was a top floor.

- Have we spoiled our friendship, then? - Totally ruined it.

And what about the monkeys?

We could save them together, you know.

Do whatever we want.

I could see the point of Paris if you were there with me.

First, let's destroy our friendship completely.

- Oi! - What, you're trying to sneak off?

Yes, well, you were sort of...

busy.

I want you to keep these.

Thank you. Cos I might pop back soon, have another little stay.

No, you won't. I've been in your head, remember? I still want you to keep them.

Thank you, Craig.

Thank you, Doctor.

Sophie.

Now, then. 6,000,400,026 people in the world.

That's the number to beat.

Yeah.

Back in time! You need to go to the paper shop, leave that note for me.

Right little matchmaker, aren't you? Can't you find me a fella?

Oh, rectifier's playing up again...

Hold on. You write the note, and I'll change that will.

- You got a pen? - Make sure it's a red pen.