All language subtitles for The David Dance 2014 USA

(melancholic music)

- Goodbye, Buffalo.

I guess the powers that be ruled us out.

I'll just say goodnight to our listeners

as we sign off for the last time.

It was really great talking with you.

Stay warm under the covers.

Have a pleasant night.

- Good show, Kiddo.

Larry says, good luck, we'll miss you.

He would have told you himself, but he,

I'm lying, he didn't.

It's from me.

How's it been?

You sleeping?

Still looking at everyone
like you're Norman Bates?

(sighs)

I left a couple of things at your place.

I can, I can pick 'em up later.

I guess this is it.

I think it's best.

Don't you?

If you could just say one thing.

(melancholic music)

- Still feeling sorry for yourself, David?

- You never leave me alone.

- I wish I could, but
you keep thinkin' of me,

even if you say you don't want to.

That's what sisters do,
we gnaw on your brains.

Aw, why is it that every
time you think of me,

I'm wearing this same, dorky,
'70s, white vinyl snow jacket?

I haven't worn this since I was 14.

I feel like a blimp.

You couldn't imagine me
dead in a better outfit?

- It's just the way I'll
always remember you, Katie

You look fine.

Beautiful.

You look like you.

- Thank you.

I think.

I know the reason why, though.

It doesn't matter.

I'm dead anyway.

Who am I going to impress?

How are Mom and Dad?

- Dad has started building
birdhouses since you left,

one for every post on the
fence in the back yard.

That's all you hear is the
hammering whenever I stop over.

- Hmm, they'll get over it.

- What does that mean?

- Never mind, sorry.

- What did you mean by that?

- I said I was sorry.

- I just need time to get things together.

- You're 36 years old!

- That's not old.

- I know, but I'm a lot older than you,

- Only three years--

- Three and 3/4!

Besides, anything close
to 40 may be too late.

I only say that because when I was 36,

I still didn't know my ear from my elbow,

but you, there are better designs.

You already achieved
some of them, remember?

- What am I suppose to do now?

- You know.

- I need you to help me.

- I can't any more, David, I'm dead.

And no matter what you think,
I'm not coming back again.

(music)

- [Bob] You're listening to
Inspiration in the Evening

with your host, family and
youth counselor, June Handly.

Brought to you live from
Gainesville, Florida.

- Thank you, Bob.

Well, I have got some sad
and frankly alarming news

In a recent ruling, a
Miami judge declared,

any attempt to deny children

a home headed by same-sex partners

should be ruled unconstitutional.

Yeah, my concern, Bob,
is only for the children.

That's all I care about.

And come on, come on

These kids are gonna be raised
without the complimentary

male, female influence,
saturated in a lifestyle.

They just don't have the best chance.

And, look,

I don't mean to be hateful.

I know people will say it anyway,

but look, I have always been compassionate

about those less fortunate

than to have the normal, full lives

of family and heritage that
come with being heterosexual.

And it hurts my heart,

and I know it hurts God's heart.

So, that's why I encourage you,

if you know someone who is on this path

or if you, yourself are
lost in this lifestyle

and especially those
in our youth ministry,

remember,

God can grant you the
strength to make you straight

or at least completely celibate.

Now, I know a lot of you have questions,

and we wanna hear from you.

The number to call is 277-2700,

and, okay, we have David
in Buffalo, New York.

- Hey, June, this is Danger Dave Patrone

from my radio show, Gay Talk.

- Who?

- I'm the host of a local,
community radio show

called Gay Talk.

We have an open discussion
and debate of local gay news,

topics, entertainment, mostly fluffy stuff

for everyone here in western New York.

In fact, we're talking live on the air

on my show and I'm on yours!

- Clever.

Could we get to the point, David?

- Well, I caught your show
yesterday and I was wondering

if you'd be willing to
answer a few minor questions.

just for clarification?

- [June] Sure, what is
it you'd like to know?

- Well, yesterday on your show,

you told a gay teenager to
seek reparative therapy.

- Yes, now for listeners who don't know,

that's conversion of sexual orientation.

- Just wondering, is the
kind of therapy you recommend

endorsed by the American
Psychological Association?

- Well, up to 25 to 50% of patients

report significant improvements.

- But is it a fact patients who
undergo this kind of therapy

must sign a waiver before they're treated

because the significant improvements

are actually clinically unproven?

- Well, you know, there
is some margin of error

in all types of therapy.

- Did you choose to be straight?

- What?

- Let's say, just for arguments
sake, someone, a group,

was trying to convince you

you should have an undeniable
attraction to Pamela Anderson.

- Excuse me!

- Let's say you could change your behavior

to lust for Pamela, even
change your thinking,

but that wouldn't change

your real desires for David Hasselhoff.

You become depressed, mentally
unstable, even suicidal

because you know deep down

you don't have the hots for Pam

and on the inside you're
about as gay as Donna Reed.

- [June] With everything
there's struggle, David.

People who want change in their life

have a right to seek it.

- But with young people
it's very important

to give them the facts.

- I agree, and that's why--

- So you agree we should
give them the facts?

- In the Bible, David,
if you'll let me talk,

it clearly states, no man
is to lie with another man.

- Very good, that is a fact,
I'm glad you brought it up

because I just so happen to
have a handy dandy Bible.

Mind if I quote some other passages?

- Actually, I'd like to
move on to my next caller.

- Leviticus, part of the Holiness Code

also includes rules for burning bulls,

sheep, goats, doves, pigeons.

Burn any bulls today, June?

Anyone who finds mildew in his house

must go and tell the priest about it.

Hey, God, can't we just use bleach?

- I suppose now you'll telling me

that Jesus never spoke
against homosexuality.

- Well, there are parts of the Bible

that potentially affirm gay relationships.

Look here, we got Ruth and Naomi and

oh, David and Jonathan.

- You show me where.

- The soul of Jonathan was
bound to the soul of David.

Jonathan loved him as his own soul.

- Scripture twisting.
- Jonathan made David

swear again--
- Look, my listeners do not

have to be subjected--
by his love for him

for he loved him as he loved his own life.

Your love for me was more
wonderful than that of women.

They kissed each other
and wept with each other.

- Strictly interpretive.

- They do kiss.

Look,

there are gay Christians--

- Not true Christians.
- Who could probably

argue this better than I could.

- Great, thank you, David.

- I just think instead of
potentially harming gay kids,

who, believe me, have enough
grief in their lives--

it might be more helpful
and cost effective

if fundamentalist therapists
sought therapy themselves

in order to resolve their heterosexist

reproductive superiority issues.

- And we'll be back--

- And before you suggest that
- With more hopeful

listeners after this.
- Gays are lacking

in family and heritage,
check out the facts.

June?

June?

Sorry, I went on like that, folks,

but that makes me wanna puke.

(mimics vomiting)

(laughing)

Cactus Kickers, Buffalo's own gay

country western dancing
club, will meet Wednesday,

Buddies Bar, seven p.m.

Latecomers will be lassoed and branded.

(hisses)

Well, unfortunately, we're
out of time here on Gay Talk.

Please join us tomorrow for
our ongoing discussion of

body piercing, fashion or faux-pas?

Be sure to call in with
your questions or comments.

We'd love to hear from you.

This is Danger Dave Patrone.

Thank you and have a good gay night!

(upbeat music)

♪ Hey oh, hey oh, hey oh, hey oh ♪

♪ Turn up, turn up, turn
up, turn up the radio ♪

♪ Hey oh, hey oh, hey oh, hey oh ♪

♪ Turn up, turn up, turn
up, he's on the radio ♪

♪ Sittin' in my room ♪

♪ Got a fever and a doomsday ♪

♪ Funk a trunk ♪

♪ Where I come from my inner
punk's stuck in a rut ♪

♪ But not so much that I'm not above ♪

♪ Being shook up and interrupted ♪

♪ Flippin' a dial ♪

♪ Lookin' for a smile, a friendly ♪

- Phone call for Danger Dave.

♪ Makin' a case for the
race for the creed ♪

- Uh, really?

♪ The helpless of the nation ♪

- [David] Go 'head.

♪ Leaders, paupers ♪

♪ Think about the conflict ♪

♪ Stop actin' like a convict ♪

♪ Takin' the money ♪

♪ Thinkin' a funny way of trippin' up ♪

♪ The hands of the people
who you comin' from ♪

- Hello?

- [Joe] Danger Dave!

- Yeah.

- This is Joe Palermo over
here at Buddies Bar and Grill.

I don't know who you are,

but I just wanna' say, your show rules.

- Uh, thanks!

- So long, Buddy!

♪ Hey oh, hey oh, hey oh, hey oh ♪

♪ Shut up, shut up, shut
up, he's on the radio ♪

♪ Hey oh, hey oh ♪

- WYBR Buffalo.

- [Caller] Is this Danger Dave?

- Yeah.

- [Caller] Hey, faggot, what the fuck

do you think you're doing
insulting June like that?

Faggot, you are going to hell, faggot.

Faggot, you're such a faggot, faggot!

- Uh, thanks for listening,
I'll send an autograph.

(phone ringing)

- [Chris] I'm sorry about that.

- Oh no.

Please, it's fine.
- No.

Really, really good, what
you did on your show tonight.

I really liked it.

- Really?

- Yeah.

Yeah, you had her running scared.

- I, uh, I, um, don't
usually do stuff like that.

- I know, it was a good surprise.

(laughing)

- She gives me a rash.

- Oh yeah.

- A great, big, pimply, hairy, butt rash!

- Wow.

- Oh.

Um, I'm sorry.

I forgot your name.

- I'm Chris, your new technical assistant

for the next few months.

Tonight's my first night.

Mark is on vacation in Florida.

- Oh, oh, God!

Yeah, I'm so sorry.

I must have not been paying attention.

- No, it's okay.

When I came in you were so intense,

working on your facts probably.

I figured that I'd introduce
myself until later.

I'm a really big fan.

I mean, it's about time

this town had its own gay radio show.

You remind people around
here that we exist.

Buffalo Pride, yeah.

- Well, I know how hard it can be

when you're a little different.

- No, to me you're like
Mr. Super Gay here.

I bet you're a star down at Buddies.

- Uh, they don't know who I am.

- No, you're brave to make this happen

right here in little ol' Buffalo.

- Brave is a pretty strong word.

- I don't think so.

I mean you could be working
at the Radio Outlet.

- Is that where you work?

- I manage the one in the Boulevard Mall.

In my spare time I fill in on drums

for an all-lesbian rock band.

They call themselves
Butch and the Cassidys.

I think they're still working on the name.

I'm not an official member,

just until they find
another lesbian, I guess.

- That sounds fun.

- Yeah.

You don't remember me, do you?

- What?

- We met once before, a few years ago.

- God, it's colder than a
witch's titty out there!

Oh, I'm sorry.

I hope I'm not disturbing.

- Katie, what are you doing here so late?

- I know, I'm sorry.

I had to speak to you about something.

You know me, always in a hurry.

(nervously chuckles)

- Chris, this is my sister, Kate.

Chris is our new technical assistant.

- Nice to meet you.

You look familiar --

- We met before at your
wedding, I'm not related.

I was just there for
other reasons, and you--

- Oh, of course, I remember, yes.

How funny--

- Um, your brother was
brilliant on his show tonight.

- No.

- I know, but David,

I couldn't hear the whole thing this time.

I don't know, my car radio
conked out on the way down here.

It's been like that for a while.

Mom and Dad will tell me about it.

They listen to it and
record it every night.

We are so proud of him.

Our gay son, they say, my gay brother.

(laughing)

You know, by the time he
told them, they already knew.

He's a bit of a slow starter that way, ow.

- Well, I better be going.

I gotta scrape the ice off my windshield.

- Oh, you can borrow David's.

- [David] My what?

- Your scraper.

You always keep a spare one in the car.

He's always prepared.

I can wait.

- [Chris] That's okay, I have one.

- Oh.

- Of course he has one, everyone has one.

- Well, I just thought

maybe you could help each
other with the scraping.

- Well thank you, I'm fine.

It was ice meeting you again.

I'll see you same time tomorrow.

- Right.

(gentle music)

(indistinct chattering)

- Same time.

- Yes!
- Right, same time.

- Great to meet you again.

- Oh, thanks.

(Kate laughs)

Bye.

- Drive safe!

- Bye
- Goodnight.

- Bye, goodnight.

- Is he single?

- [David] I don't know.

- [Kate] You didn't ask?

- [David] No.

- Why not?

- I almost didn't notice he was even here,

and I'm not sure if he's gay.

- Are you blind, deaf, and stupid?

Of course he's gay and
he's got a thing for you.

I could tell that when I
first met him four years ago.

- Why did you do that,
embarrass me like that?

- That was four years ago, David.

I did it because you need someone

to give you a little boost.

Otherwise, you sit in
your corner and you cry.

Boohoo, my name is David Patrone,

and I don't have a boyfriend, boohoo.

You're a full-time library assistant,

that's all you'd be if I didn't
push you to do this show.

- Oh yes, you made me, you created me.

Anything else I need
to give you credit for?

- No, I just don't see
what you're afraid of.

You place a personal ad

and you don't answer
any of your responses.

You hide behind your work.

I don't want you to be alone.

- Like you?

- I'm different, I couldn't pick 'em,

I gave marriage a fair try three times.

You, you've never had a steady
boyfriend in your life .

- Oh come on, what about--

- And that toy collector

who lived in a trailer home in East Aurora

who you dated for three
months does not count.

- I'm not meeting the right people.

My dating options are limited here.

- Hello, look what just
walked out the door.

- Give it a rest, I don't
know anything about him.

- You know enough to make the first move

for once in your life.

Put it away.

David.

What surprises me is how bold you can be

when you're on the air.

- That's different!

- Why?

- Just, because.

- Because why?

- Because when I'm on the air,

I have to be different
person, not just me any more.

Someone might be listening.

That makes it important.

- I just think you should think
about yourself more often.

God, I hate you, David!

("I Will Carry You" By Marc Jackson plays)

Go ahead, say it,

I'm a bossy, shrewy witch.

I'll feel better if you say
it, even though it isn't true.

- You are not a witch,

and you're probably right about me.

♪ And you hurt ♪

♪ And you can't find
the soul in anything ♪

♪ And you cry 'cause you know ♪

♪ That your heart won't be the same ♪

♪ And you try what you get ♪

♪ And then oh, but it's all in vain ♪

♪ I will carry you ♪

- I was gonna tell you something
really good last night.

I've decided to adopt.

- What?

- I'm 39 years old, nobody
wants these eggs any more.

Besides, I'm sick of
men controlling my life,

pretending to be some kind
of knight in shining armor

saving me from utter doom.

I'm ready to take on something of my own

and I don't need a husband to do it.

- How feminist of you.

- I'm adopting because I'm ready.

I have a lot of love to give

and I'm tired of waiting for it.

- Have you really thought about this?

This is a lot harder than raising cats.

You have to pay for college,
give up having a sex life.

- I've thought about all that.

- I'm not saying you
can't, I'm just checking

to make sure this isn't
another passing idea of yours

like rollerblading or opening
a Buddhist greeting card shop.

- I've never been so sure
of anything else in my life.

Can you help me?

- With what?

- You know, if I need
help raising him or her,

whatever we decide.

- Of course I will.

Don't you need to think this through?

- I'm already halfway through the process.

I went through an agency in Syracuse.

They told me I passed
the home study yesterday,

I even completed the INS forms.

- INS?

- I'm doing an international adoption.

There are thousands of
couples who want babies here.

They get preference, singles
are at the bottom of the list.

Look, Central America, Brazil,

these kids have less of a chance.

The responsibility is all mine,

you don't have to do
anything you don't want.

I'm just saying just in
case he, she needs a father,

you'll pitch in, won't you?

- This is so sudden.

Why does the word father
give me the heebiejeebies?

- You love kids.

You always said you thought
about having a kid of your own.

This'll be like a trial run.

- I thought about it, I
don't know if I'm ready yet.

- When is ready for you?

You waited until you were 30

before you told Mom and Dad you were gay.

And by that time, you were
already passing out condoms

on the streets of Buffalo.

Besides, it'll really just be mine,

I just need you to help me.

- With Mom and Dad.

- Defend me against them,

they already think I'm a hopeless flake.

They'll trust you if you
think it's a good idea,

somehow you're in on it with me.

- You can do whatever you
want Katie, you're almost 40.

- Don't say the F word!

And you know that isn't true.
Yeah I can do whatever I want,

but then they'll curse me
for the rest of my life

with the Sicilian evil eye.

The last time I went to Dad with news

was right after I had my first divorce.

- Now, don't start that--

- You know what he said?

- Yes!

- He looked me right
in the eye and he said,

- [David And Kate] You'll go to hell.

- I will never forget
the sound of his voice.

- He didn't mean it, ya know it!

They got older and wiser.

- No, they just lost the
ability to fight back.

I never bothered telling him

about the other two divorces after that.

- I think he figured it out.

- It was completely different for you,

even when you told them you
were gay, it was like nothing.

- Oh, now you're exaggerating!

- I was the guinea pig.

By the time they got to
you, they just pooped out.

- They love you too Katie,
they always ask about you.

They're afraid to talk to you.

You burst into flames the
moment they say the wrong thing.

Look, maybe you should
think about this some more.

- It's too late, I'm already committed.

- What if the child were sick?

I read about a couple that
adopted a baby girl in China.

They didn't find out she had Hepatitis B

until they got back to the States.

They don't even run those
kinds of tests there.

- It's a chance I'll have to take.

Are you in this with me or not?

- Maybe you could go to a sperm bank,

I just think you should
consider all your options.

- Oh, you are just like Mom
and Dad, always questioning me.

I thought I could count on you.

- Did you ever think maybe
you're doing all this

just to get back at Mom and Dad?

- What?

This whole adoption
process isn't easy, David.

If I was really doing
this for selfish reasons,

I could just replicate
these fabulous genes

by having a one night stand

with some idiot dweeb at the bank.

I'm going through with this,

whether you're behind me or not.

- Katie.

("Of Strange Lands and People")

Katie!

(answering machine beeps)

- [Mom] It's Mom, uh,

I forgot why I called.

Well, I'll see you tomorrow.

(cat meows)

(door creaks)

(clapping)

- I can never get it right.

- It sounds great, you're
my Clara Wieck Schumann.

- You always say that.

You were always the nice one.

- But I hate your cat.

- You've gotta stop expecting
her to act like a dog, David.

- I'm better with dogs.

- I know.

I thought about what you said.

- About what?

- About Mom and Dad, me
wanting to get back at them.

- Forget it.

- No you're right.

I could want this child
for all the wrong reasons.

- I shouldn't have said that.

I think I got a little
jealous 'cause I realized

it wouldn't always just be
you and me paling around.

I got used to the fact

that all your marriages would be flops

and it would always be the two of us.

- Thanks.

- I'm used to having you
there for me, nagging me.

I'm not used to sharing.

- I told you first because I wanted you

to be a part of this so much, you goof.

- I just needed time to take it all in.

- Are you with me or
not, what's the verdict?

- Well, some people might find

bringing a child from orphan
poverty to Buffalo redundant

but I think it's a great idea.

I like it, a lot.

- You do?

- I'm gonna be an uncle,

someone's fabulous old gay uncle.

- [Kate] Uncle David!

- We can teach each other
how to change diapers,

watch nonstop reruns of sing-a-long shows.

- I've always wanted this.

- Me too.

Come on, I'll take you for
burritos and a hot fudge sundae.

We'll celebrate, Mommy.

- Don't use that word,
I'm not used to it yet.

- I can't wait to buy things in bulk.

We can shop for baby booties,
diapers, mega-strollers.

- We may not need to.

Look, they have a child
picked out for me already.

- Katie, this girl is
almost nine years old.

- [Kate] Her name is Margaret.

She was abandoned by her parents
when she was only a baby.

Some English nuns

working at the orphanage
in Brazil named her.

She was always quiet, so
most potential parents

just assumed she was damaged goods.

So, an older nun starts
teaching her the piano.

They notice a change.

Margaret smiles once in a while.

She starts talking.

Turns out the old nun dies and
the piano goes out with her.

But Margaret keeps practicing
the music by herself.

Some of the other kids see
and start calling her names.

- Katie.

- But I'm going to change all that.

I'm sending her this old piano.

- You're shipping a piano to Brazil?

- Well, I need to make a
donation to the orphanage,

this'll be part of it.

And I'm sending her sheet
music with it tomorrow.

She can start practicing
right away, or not.

Whatever she wants.

- Katie, I just don't know if --

- Don't you see this is perfect for me?

If I don't adopt her, then who will?

Nobody else can understand
her better than the two of us.

We are the freaks of Buffalo.

- I guess we are.

- I think

that's very generous of you.

- I know.

- I wish I could be that good.

- You are, David.

Your work has meaning.

This is the first time I've
ever done anything like this

and I feel it's just the beginning.

("November" by Rosanne Raneri)

(dog barking)

(children indistinctly chattering)

♪ No one talks about November ♪

♪ Leaves been down for a while ♪

♪ Our arms like the branches are vacant ♪

♪ And aching to be full ♪

♪ They're painfully reaching out ♪

♪ This is no small favor ♪

♪ That I've been asking of you ♪

♪ Do you think ♪

- Counts.

♪ That in time ♪

♪ You will ♪

- Oh, can I help you?

- Oh hi, um, I brought
you this donation of toys.

- Well thank you, we
sure could sure use them.

Oh.

Bad dreams, do you mind?

- Sure.

- What happened, sweetie?

Come on, we'll go take
care of it together, okay?

Get Donna to fight 'em off for ya.

Right, we'll just get Donna
to take care of everything.

Oh, you can just put that
right over on my desk.

Look who I have here.

I guess the monsters are
after him, take care of that.

Well, we gotta get that monster,
it came after him again.

Here you go, she's got
him, she's gonna get him!

Oh, I'm sorry.

Hi, I'm Mrs. Peterston.

- Dave Patrone.

- Patrone, that name sounds familiar,

do I know you from somewhere?

- Hello, my name is Danger
Dave and welcome to--

- Gay Talk!

You're the guy from Gay Talk!

Donna, look who we have
here, it's Danger Dave!

- Well, not any more, it's been canceled.

- Oh, I'm so sorry.

- You actually listened?

- Yeah, when my husband was
asleep and no one else was awake

to keep me company, yeah
I listened sometimes.

You were very funny.

Hey, sweetie.

- Thank you.

- Hi honey.

It's okay.

- They're so small.

- Mm-hmm yeah, and this one,
he's a little sick, yeah,

but he's staying with a foster family now,

so he's doing fine.

Isn't that right sweetie, yeah.

His name is Albert, sometimes
we just call him Poo-Poo.

- Poo-Poo?

- Mm-hmm.

It's a poo-poo-poo, it's okay.

- Mrs. P., Jimmy stuck
another crayon up his--

- Ah, mm-hmm.

- You know we can't get it out.

- Okay yeah, I'll be right back.

Don't you steal him.

Jimmy?

Oh Jimmy.

(Albert coos)

- What are you looking at?

Hello, little fellow.

(Albert whimpering)

Hello.

Hello, little fella, my name is David.

(Albert cries)

Can you, um, Mrs.
Peterston, Mrs. Peterston!

I think we have a problem here!

- What's the matter?

- He doesn't like me,
I think I scared him.

Did I choke him?

I don't know.

- Oh my goodness, what's that
silly man talking about, huh?

Yeah, just went poopy in
his pants, that's all, see?

Look at that, I think he likes you.

Do you like him, do you
like that man right there?

Yes, you look he's smiling right at you.

He sure is, can you say hello to that man?

Look at that.

He likes you.

(melancholic music)

- Hey, Danger Dave.

My 10-year-old son, Hector,

wears mini skirts and sings
at the top of his lungs.

Do you think he's gay or just
having an identity crisis?

(sighs)

I don't know.

You don't need me to
tell you to sit him down

and tell him you love
him for whatever he is.

Be patient, you might also
want to buy some ear plugs.

Oh, okay, we're gonna take a call next.

Hello, welcome to Gay Talk.

- We'd like to know where
we can find a dildo.

- I could tell you if you were old enough.

(girls laughing)

Just more of the usual
here on Gay Talk, folks.

But now time for my personal
favorite part of the show.

We have some very special
listeners out there

who I think deserve a
ring-a-ding-ding from Danger Dave.

(phone ringing)

- Yeah?

- Hello, is this Pete?

- [Pete] Yeah.

- You live with a gentleman named Mel?

- Yeah.

- You are known to your friends and family

and everyone in the town of Blasdell

as Pete and Mel for the last 46 years?

- You got that right.

(chuckling)

- This is Danger Dave Patrone.

A little birdy told me

that you have a very
special day coming up.

And this song is just for you.

♪ Pete and Mel, your love is swell ♪

♪ And grows stronger in Blasdell ♪

♪ Your broken parts and midnight farts ♪

♪ Won't make your love go to hell ♪

♪ You've been bonded so long ♪

♪ You can't recall another shlong ♪

♪ Not always does great lovin' ♪

♪ Put a bun in the oven ♪

♪ Pete and Mel, your love is swell ♪

Have a great night.

(laughing)

Well, there it is, folks,

just when you thought we
couldn't get any gayer.

This is a little song from a new,

hot group called Butch and The Cassidys.

With our very own special

multi-talented technical
engineer, Chris on drums.

♪ Come on ♪

♪ Come on ♪

- Goodnight, everyone.

Keep singing, Hector.

Goodnight, dildo-lovers.

Sleep tight, Pete and Mel.

I hope all your anniversary
dreams come true

and you have many, many more.

♪ Can't stop, won't stop ♪

♪ Everybody on top ♪

♪ Girls rock nonstop, I guaran ♪

(gentle music)

- You did a great job tonight.

- Thanks.

So did you.

I can't believe you don't
remember having met before.

At your sister's wedding.

- My sister's been divorced three times.

- This was maybe four
years ago, we danced.

- I would remember you if...

- It was very brief, kind
of awkward situation.

I wasn't really a guest there.

I happened to be at a
convention in the hotel

and your sister asked
me to dance with you.

- Oh, my God!

That was you?

(chuckling)

- I don't usually do stuff like that,

but your sister pointed you out

and said you were a
decent guy, so I thought,

sure, why not?

- I'm so sorry about that.

I think my sister was a little.

(laughing)

She shouldn't have done that, I'm sorry.

- I'm not.

I mean, it was fun.

- Yeah, it was fun.

- You ran off for reasons
I perfectly understand.

I think you were a little
embarrassed, distracted.

It wasn't your fault.

- It wasn't you, it was my sister.

- Funny that we should be

running into each other again this way.

♪ When you're in my dreams ♪

- You're very shy when
you're not on the radio.

- When I'm alone in the studio,

I feel safe

and I feel like I can say whatever I want.

I wish I could be more
like you all the time.

- Like me?

- You're ballsy.

- Ballsy?

- Yeah,

but I like it.

(laughing)

- You're ballsy, just
sometimes, me, all the time.

Good place to start.

- Yeah, I think so too.

(melancholic music)

(engine revs)

We could take some of the
things out of the house today.

How are you and Dad?

- Oh, fine.

- Hey, shy guy.

Look at this, page six.

Larry arranged for you to
have another live debate

with June Handly in two weeks.

- That's not my thing.

We never get serious.

Gay Talk is about lesbian
hockey team scores,

Madonna, Madonna.

- Larry says it's good for ratings.

- The only reason I called in to her show

because I didn't want her

turning out ex-gay, teenage zombies!

- Most people like what you say.

- The woman'll be prepared this time.

- So will you.

- The woman is nuts!

- So are you.

David, this is important.

(David groans)

- You ever think about having kids?

- Yes.

- You do?

- Yes.

- Really?

- Yes.

Does that shock you?

- No, it's um,

just most gay men don't usually
think about those things.

- Who says?

- No one.

I'm just saying it's
not common, that's all.

- Well, obviously you do.

And you are gay, aren't you?

- Sometimes, I imagine this

little face looking right at me.

Maybe I need a dog.

- Maybe you should get one.

- A dog?

I can't.

I'm a slob.

- [Chris] You are a slob.

- But what if those people were right?

- What do you mean?

- What if it were wrong for people like,

for people like us to have kids?

- You're turning into June Handly?

Two of the women in the
band have a baby girl.

She's happy.

- How would you feel if you were the kid?

Wouldn't you be like, oh, god.

Why do I have to be
Heather with two mommies?

Everyone calling you names.

- I don't know.

I think I'd be happy just to have someone.

- I have a confession to make.

- Mm-hmm?

- I did remember you from four years ago.

I never forgot.

- Me neither.

- Of course, it's, it's hard being single

and wanting certain things

and trying to find other people

who want that too, you know?

- Yes.

- It's very hard.

- It is.

- Don't you hate everything
you have to do in this world

just to get a date?

- I do.

- Bars?

- Bars, no.

No.
- They suck, right?

Just totally sucky.

(chuckling)

- Personals.

- They suck.

- Yes, they do.

Internet dating.

- You're on in one.

- What have I got?

Look, Bondage Man sends me
another naked picture of himself

and says he wants to cook me dinner.

- Definitely not your type.

- Well, don't you hate

the whole superficial labeling system?

Tops, bottoms, bears,

- Butch, fem, dyke.

- Queen.

Hello, people!

- Can't we all just get along?

- Just let ourselves be people.

- That's right, that's right.

You're on in five, four.

- [Radio Announcer] Gay Talk!

♪ Danger ♪

♪ Danger Dave ♪

- There's nothing worse than being gay

and knowing that you still don't fit in,

even with the other gay people.

Like, you're at a parade or at a big dance

and everyone else is
fabulous, hip, and funny,

and you're not, but you're
one of them, so you should be.

Why aren't you?

You just stand there

'cause you don't go to the gym every day,

can't afford better clothing than GAP.

I mean, this is the way
I've been my entire life!

Uh, this portion of Gay Talk

is brought to you by, um,

uh, eh, Lake Erie Ice Cream
and Buddies Bar and Grill.

Buddies is proud to present

its third annual Winter Wienie
and Tobogganing Festival.

Go tobogganing with a buddy

and get a free Say-Lean hot
dog on a fresh super bread bun.

Say-Lean, it's the best
tasting wienie in Buffalo

Well, uh,

I guess we were talkin' about
our own demons, right, Chris?

- Uh.

Right, Dave.

- Welcome to the wonderful world

of being who you really are.

It sucks big time.

And most people just want
you to shut up about it.

It's no wonder we feel the way we do.

Believe it or not,

it took me a long time
to even say the word gay.

I told my sister first.

Because I was afraid to offend anyone.

I didn't wanna ruin anyone's
Homecoming or Christmas.

We're all messed up because of
those little, slight messages

we get from the world that
we can't run away from.

I guess we all deal with
it in some way or another.

If you're out there and you're listening,

you know who you are, and
that's what counts the most.

I'd like to dedicate
this song to you, who is

very different.

(peaceful music)

- What are you doing?

- I talk too much.

- [Listener] Uh, Danger Dave.

I'm new in this city, and
I feel like I don't fit in.

- [Listener] Hi Danger
Dave, I'm a trans woman.

Sometimes I feel like I'm

the only one in this town.
- I'm not gay or anything.

I just like to wear
different colors in my hair

and very dark eyeliner, but I get--

- After I came out at my
school and everyone found out,

I got kicked out of my outdoors club.

- Hey, Danger Dave.
- My daughter's a lesbian.

I tell her--
- I play basketball

on my high school team.

I'm Muslim and um, I'm gay.

♪ It was like a small victory ♪

♪ Chains slipping off of me ♪

♪ Now I am bound by the sound
of the hourglass stream ♪

♪ Oh, why ♪

♪ Wipe away years from under your eyes ♪

♪ Take back our time ♪

♪ And I won't take no ♪

♪ Take you instead ♪

♪ And watch our sun rise ♪

♪ Start you and I ♪

♪ You can't take it with you ♪

♪ But you can't walk away ♪

♪ It's a chance on the future we'll take ♪

♪ Will it be better than today ♪

♪ Will I take you the way ♪

- If I'm suddenly rear-ended
on the 198 highway

or chopped to pieces by the
homo-hating Buffalo psychopath,

will you come look for my remains.

- I promise I will look for your remains.

- [DJ] Let's hear it for
newlyweds Kate and Darren.

- Quick, dance with me!

If they see I'm busy maybe
Darren'll leave me alone.

- He's your husband.

- Oh, Darren's mother is
nagging me to cut the cake.

Nobody listens.

I told them I don't want
a traditional wedding.

No cake cutting, no garter-tossing,

no bouquet-groping, nothing like that!

Look, look, Darren and his mother

are over there arguing about it right now.

Ooh, they should be married.

This dress wasn't even my idea.

Look at me.

I look like a toasted marshmallow fairy!

- Hey, it's gonna be great.

(mellow jazz music)

Look at you, you're beautiful.

You're happy, right?

- Of course, I'm happy.

I married him, didn't I?

- I'm sorry.

- I mean, I wouldn't marry somebody

just to get away from
somebody else, would I?

- No.

- After all, Darren's number three.

- I was just thinking aloud.

I'll shut up.

- Honestly, David, you're
suppose to be protecting me.

Just move your feet.

This is nice, I didn't
know you could dance.

- I can't, I can only
sort of do the touch-step.

- You're doing just fine.

Ouch!

- Oh, uh, sorry.

- It's okay.

Hey, um, why don't you close your eyes

and just feel the music.

- [David] What?

- You know, sometimes it's better

if you can just shut everything else out.

(chuckles)

Oh yeah, there you go, much better.

Now, you're dancin'.

- I guess I am.

(awkwardly chuckling)

Who are you?

- Not related.

- That's good to know.

- I crashed the party from next door.

Actually, it's a Radio Outlet convention.

Hello, my name is Chris!

- Hello, my name is David.

- Yeah.

- [DJ] Okay, a little
change of pace here, folks.

- You keep looking the other way.

- I'm sorry.

("Half a Chance" by Jake Monaco)

- Would you like to dance?

- Um.

I'm not a very good dancer.

- Me neither.

♪ Searched high and low ♪

♪ But I never found hope ♪

♪ And tossed to the ground ♪

- [Chris] All right?

♪ Tried to get back up ♪

♪ But I feel so low ♪

See?

You're doing fine.

♪ Spend so many evenings ♪

♪ Just trying to pass the time ♪

♪ I feel I'm going crazy ♪

♪ Past runnin' through my mind ♪

♪ Of all of the years I have waited ♪

♪ And all of the times I have tried ♪

- [Chris] You're doing fine.

- I, I, I guess I'm just wondering

what other people might be thinking of us.

This is fairly revolutionary in Buffalo.

- Well, we can stop if you want to.

- No.

♪ Whoa oh oh oh whoa oh ♪

- You're right.

It doesn't matter.

♪ Whoa oh oh oh whoa oh ♪

♪ I'll never forget ♪

♪ Flying feeling immeasurable bliss ♪

♪ And I'll never regret ♪

♪ The way my eyes were opened ♪

♪ By that one perfect kiss ♪

♪ I can't deny these feelings ♪

♪ And I can't shut the door ♪

♪ I have to feel you near me ♪

♪ My feet won't touch the floor ♪

♪ And all of the years I have waited ♪

♪ And all of the times I have tried ♪

♪ And all of the things
that I am feeling ♪

♪ I just wanna run and hide ♪

♪ There's a wall ♪

- Can I ask you something?

♪ Shadow with one glance ♪

- How did you know I
like to dance with men?

Either your gaydar is really good.

♪ Whoa oh oh oh whoa oh ♪

Did my sister ask you to dance with me?

- Yes.

- God.
- But I wanted to.

- I'm so sorry.
- No, no, no.

- No, excuse me, while
I go murder the bride!

- No, wait.

Wait.

(melancholic music)

(children indistinctly taunting)

- David!

David!

David!

David, what happened?

What did they do to you?

Let me see.

- No.

- David, I'm your older sister.

- I can't.

- Are you bleeding?

- I'm gonna beat you till
you're breathin' out--

- Don't!
- Your hairy, pimply ass,

Stuey Cartarella!

I'm gonna kill him!

- [David] But you're a girl.

- So?

- There are five of them.

- God!

You are in so big trouble!

- Please, don't tell Mom
and Dad, please don't!

- You're bleeding, how are we--

- Please don't tell them, please!

- All right, all right!

Let me look at you then.

David, your backside, at least.

I told you I'm gonna be
a veterinarian one day.

This'll be good practice for me.

Nobody's around.

- [David] They held me
down and threw ice at me.

- David, we've gotta get you to a doctor.

- No, Mom and Dad will find out!

- All right, all right.

Shh, I promise, I won't say anything.

At least let me clean
up some of the blood.

David, what were those boys calling you?

I thought maybe I heard them
call you a name or something.

You don't have to tell me.

It's just that I could use the practice

for when I become a world
famous psychiatrist one day.

- [David] I thought you were gonna

become a famous veterinarian.

- Well, I can be both, can't I?

- Yeah.

- They called me stupid and
stuff. I don't remember.

Then they called me faggot.

- Why'd they call you that?

- Stuey Cartarella said
he liked Darth Vader.

Then Jackson Randazza said
he liked Darth Vader too.

Then Betsy said she liked Luke Skywalker

and I said I liked Luke Skywalker too.

- Okay.

- And then Suzy said

she wanted to marry Luke
Skywalker, and I said

I did too.

- Ouch.

- Yeah.

- Did you tell Mr. Clemons?

- He said it was my fault for saying that.

I wish I was dead.

- What?

Don't ever say that or I'll kill you!

Do you understand?

- All right!

- Let me finish cleaning you up.

Don't listen to those boys.

It's just like old Mrs.
Pukavidge used to tell us,

sticks and stones may break your--

- You don't believe that bullshit, do you?

- No, but it sounds good.

Here, eat this.

It'll make you feel better.

It's my last one.

- You don't want half?

- That's okay.

It's got fuzz on it.

It's time to go home.

- Can't we stay out here?

Maybe we'll get abducted by aliens.

- Probably you will.

David, if we don't go home
now, you'll get pneumonia

and then Mom will blame
me like she always does.

- Come on, just for a minute.

- David, I'm your older sister.

- Only three years!

- Three and 3/4!

Look, you're shivering!

- Okay, I'll stop.

I'm not shivering now.

- You're a weirdo.

- I know.

- All right, just another
minute, that's it!

I'll play you the song that
I learned today in class.

- No, no, not that again, god.

- David, you have to hear me practice

or you're gonna be sorry when I become

a world famous concert pianist.

Your side, David, try your side.

See?

It's like you're the Queen of England

riding your horse side-saddle.

("Of Strange Lands and People")

David, don't ever listen to what people

say about you if it's
not right in your head.

Most people are icky people,
like Stuey Cartarella,

and I hope you get a heart attack soon.

- You'll go to hell for saying that.

- So will you for being such a freak.

- Straight to hell.

(chuckles)

("Of Strange Lands and People")

- Move in with me.

Did you hear what I said?

- Yes.

- Are we talking?

- Yes.

I just realized we have to meet Katie.

We're gonna be late.

- It makes sense.

You're always talking about
how cramped your place is.

Are you gonna give me an answer?

- No!

- No, that's your answer?

What does that mean?

- It means, I'm not ready.

Look, I can't think about this now.

(singing in foreign language)

Let's not say anything
about this in front of Kate.

For her, okay?

- Yeah, it's always like that.

- What do you mean?

- Welcome to little Brazil!

- I wish I could go with you.

- I do too.

- But he has to do the show.

It's the Homos versus the
Radical Christians tonight.

- It's good for ratings!

- And I know you'll win.

- Chris and I were gonna send you off

singing Flying Down to Rio

dressed as Fred Astaire
and Dolores Del Rio.

- [Chris] But then we
realized we would have to

change the lyrics to
Flying Down to Sao Paulo.

- And we fought over who
looked uglier in drag.

- And neither of us can sing.

- So we decided--

- [Chris And Dave] Better not.

- It was David's idea.
- It was Chris's idea.

(chuckling)

- It's the thought that counts.

- Oh, we got something for you.

- A corsage?

- A South American orchid,
you can wear it on the plane.

Then you'll look better
than Dolores Del Rio.

- Much more than either of us.

- What's wrong?

- I think I just realized
for the first time

that I'm coming back a mother.

- I better get to the station.

See you in a month, Mama.

- Bye.

- Bye.

See you at the station.

- What's wrong with you two?

- He asked me to move in with him.

- And?

- It's been so fast.

He's so sure of himself.

I guess I'm afraid of
ruining a good thing.

- Maybe you should let him know that.

I think that would be a good idea.

- You should give this to Margaret.

- Where'd you find that old thing?

- I use it on my show sometimes.

- I haven't played that in years.

- I hope she's at the lavender age.

- She's gonna love it.

- Oh, I got her this too,

to help out with her preadolescent angst.

- It's the complete works
of Judy Blume in Portuguese.

Oh David, I'm running out of room.

You bought books, toys, music.

- It gives me an excuse to
buy Justin Timberlake CDs.

Katie, I've been thinking.

You know I want to be involved,

but maybe it'd be better for her

if I weren't around so much.

- What?

Are you going back on your promise?

- No, I'm just saying

maybe we shouldn't tell
her about what I do.

I mean, my night job, that's all.

- What are you talking about?

She's gonna find out.

It's gonna come up.

If she asks then she's old enough to know.

That's the way I see it.

I'll tell her, okay?

What are you ashamed of?

- Nothing, I was just--

- Making excuses?

Stop worrying, David.

She's gonna love you, I know it.

I swear, you'd think you

were doing the adopting instead of me.

Someday, you're gonna make
somebody a fabulous mother.

- I don't know if I could
really be good enough for it.

- That's a funny thing to say.

- How's your Portuguese?

- Ooh, test me, professor!

(speaks in Portuguese)

That's, how are you?.

(speaks in Portuguese)

I am fine.

(speaks in Portuguese)

(car horn honks)

(speaks in Portuguese) O Táxi
esta aqui! [Taxi's here!]

(speaks in Portuguese)

Very good.

(speaks in Portuguese)

- It's excellent.

(speaks in Portuguese) Belissima.

Very beautiful!

(laughing)

(speaks in Portuguese) Boa Tarde!

Good afternoon!

- Look at you!

You're the Portuguese Henry Higgins.

How about obrigada?

That's thank you, that's for you.

Obrigada, David!

- For what?

- I don't know, I just
felt like sayin' it.

When a man says it, it's Obrigado.

Obrigado.

- Do you have your tickets?

Sim.

Passport?

Sim.

- Copy of homestudy,
petition, divorce decrees,

financial statements,
letters of recommendation?

- Be back in 30 days
with that kid or else.

- I will.

Wish me luck.

- Luck.

- Bye, David!

Obrigado!

(engine revs)

(gentle music)

(computer keys clicking)

- You're on in five, four.

- [Radio Announcer] Gay Talk!

♪ Danger ♪

♪ Danger Dave ♪

- Welcome to Gay Talk.

I'm your host Danger Dave Patrone.

Tonight, our much awaited
debate with June Handly,

host of the radio program,
Inspiration in the Late Evening.

How are you, June?

- I'm fine, David.

How are you?

- Great.

I'd like to open with a topic

that has come closer to me
over the past few weeks.

My sister is adopting a
child in South America.

She's single and we decided
that I'd help her with

some of the responsibilities
of raising the child.

I'm not a legal parent or
anything, just an uncle.

I'm sure that there are
thousands of families out there

with similar stories, gay family members

that kids get to know and love.

- David, if I could just jump in here,

I see where you're going with this.

You know, first, I just wanna clarify,

I am not a homo-hater.

God welcomes you, just not the condition.

And I applaud you that you
wanna help your sister,

but you know, children absorb everything

from the adults around them.

All I ask is that you, you know,

sort through your sexual confusion first.

Hopefully, one day, your
sister will meet an authentic

father figure who will
replace whatever influence

you may have on this child.

- Hopefully, you will find
an authentic vocation,

and it'll replace whatever influence

you may have on this planet.

- And we need to take a commercial break.

Hey David, I will not
have this debate reduced

to a circus level with
name-calling, finger pointing--

- Fine, right, sorry.

- [Sports Announcer] Here on--

- You shouldn't have
done that, Danger Dave.

- [Sports Announcer] Niagara has earned

bids to the NCAA Tournament
2000, 2004, and 2008.

All those members of the old

College Hockey American conference.

- I need a coffee, an
aspirin, and an antiacid.

- [Sports Announcer] Cinderella run--

- You don't drink coffee.

- [Sports Announcer]
Cameron C., eight goals--

- I know.

- [Sports Announcer] And
31 points along the--

(phone rings)

- WYBR, please hold.

Oh.

- [Sports Announcer] Niagara has won 12

of its last 16 games and is nine--

- Yeah, well, he was just.

- [Sports Announcer] January 16th, 1997.

Tigers lost to EMU.

- What's the matter?

- [Sports Announcer] February 8th, 1996.

That was game--

- Here.

Uh, thanks for calling.

Yes.

Yes, of course.

- Who was on the phone?

- No one.

- You look pale.

- Get back in there?

- Was that Larry telling me to behave?

- Please?

David.

- Okay, it's just that
you looked so serious

when you were on the phone,

I thought, maybe something
was wrong, I don't know.

- I'm sorry about earlier.

- David, don't, don't!

- What?

- Just promise me you'll
march back in there

and no more questions
until after the show.

- [David] Jeez, what the.

(sighs)

- [June] David, are you there?

- Yes, June.

- You know, David, it is a fact
that for thousands of years

the building block of Western civilization

has always been the traditional
mom and dad married couple.

Are you suggesting that we sacrifice

the rights of children to
please the political agenda

of a very small special interest group?

- No.

- Well, if not, then
what are you suggesting?

- I'm suggesting, um.

- Well, it appears that our dangerous host

is at a loss for words.

All right, let's get down to
the heart of the matter, David.

- Uh, no, um, every bit of
credible research on this topic,

the American Counseling Association,

the American Psychological Association,

they all agree that every--

- By a vote.

A special interest vote
makes you fit to parent?

Allow me, if you will,

to read a fairly long list of real facts

that those folks will never tell you.

- I'm all ears.

- [June] Statistics show
that transference of STDs

among gay youth is 23% higher

than that among straight youth.

The suicide and depression rate

is three to seven times higher.

A Canadian study of homosexual men

who claimed to be in
committed relationships

lasting longer than one year--

- That was your parents.

- [June] Found that only 25%--

- It's your sister.

- [June] Reported
actually being monogamous.

- She was on the commuter flight
from Sao Paolo to Vitoria.

There was a heavy storm and
she didn't want to wait.

She didn't make it, David.

There were no survivors.

- [June] Homosexuality and suicide.

It found that--

- I'm sorry, David, I'm sorry, I can't.

- [June] And were more likely
to have attempted suicide.

- You should go home.

Your parents, they need you.

We can cancel the show.

- [June] With that many
problems raising your child?

Which brings me to my point, David,

I don't think you're happy.

- David?

David?
- Hmm?

- [June] I mean, why else would you have--

- Do you want someone to drive you home?

I can call someone.

I can talk to June now.

- [June] If you were truly
happy in your own life?

But first--

- How much longer do we have?

- [June] Caller, we
have Ashley in Arkansas.

- David, we just started.

- [June] What do you have to say

about homosexuality, Ashley?

- [Ashley] Hi.

- [June] Hi, Ashley, how old are you?

- [Ashley] 10.

(chuckles)

- [June] I see, and why are
you calling in today, Ashley?

- [Ashley] About a year ago.

- Yes, go on.

- [Ashley] About a year
ago, my baby sitter.

- Did she do anything to you?

- [Ashley] She put her hand.

- Where?

You can tell me.

- [Ashley] She put her hand in my skirt

and began touching me in a funny way.

I mean, it's bad.

I could never love my daddy
if I knew he was that way.

- Ashley, not everyone is like that.

- No, she's gone, David.

- What do you mean gone?

- She's off the air.

- Well, bring her back.

She needs help.

- We can't.

- Try, damn it!

- Well, you know as well as I do that--

- Will you stop talking
you fucking, stupid.

- Excuse me?

- Don't tell me.

Please don't.

- You're not really whole, are you, David?

You pretend to be happy and smug,

but your on-the-air persona is
really a cover up, isn't it?

For the anger and deep-seated
issues that you really have.

You would love to have
a family, wouldn't you?

But you know that's note possible,

not in your present lifestyle situation.

- Don't lie to me ever again.

- [June] You live your life--

- I said, don't.

- Day after day with a long list

of unfinished, unresolved business.

An empty life with no spouse, no children,

all because you proudly hide
behind the gay lifestyle.

Now, I know that you were hurt as a child.

And that's why you wave your flag

and taunt religious institutions,

but you're not really happy,

not really healthy, are you, David?

Anger, it's the anger of a
young man turned against God,

turned against everyone who loves him,

just to satisfy one sexual
aspect of your life.

David, are you there?

May I take your silence as
a weakening of your spirit?

I think David may be finding Jesus.

Let's pray for David Patrone

that he may one day see the beauty of God.

(car beeping)

("Why I Hate the Sunshine" by Nick Motil)

♪ Star light ♪

♪ Star bright ♪

♪ And as I lay ♪

♪ Me down tonight ♪

♪ I make sure you're ♪

♪ All that's on my mind ♪

♪ Without you ♪

♪ By my side ♪

♪ It ends as sunshine ♪

♪ Floods my eyes ♪

♪ It's why I hate the morning light ♪

(geese honking)

- I was driving by and I saw your car.

Can I?

I talked to Larry at the station.

He thinks you might have
another chance with the show,

maybe in the spring when you're better.

I miss her too, David.

Do you wanna talk about it?

Forget it.

Sometimes I wonder if I
ever was your boyfriend.

- You left me.

- I couldn't deal with the
silent treatment any more, David.

We just avoid everything now.

Explain to me a radio show host

who can't tell me one word how he feels,

just so I can still be part of his life.

- You'll never get it.

- What, David?

What is it I'll never get?

Because I've been trying
for the past two months.

Will you please tell me what it is

that is so freakin' beyond me?

- Go fuck yourself.

- Oh good, more abuse.

I bet if you were Danger Dave,

I could get you really talking.

Here, here's your mic.

Does this help?

Now can you talk, Danger Dave?

That's right.

That's what I would expect
from some scared little nerd.

- Don't call me that.
- David.

- Don't call me that.
- David, David.

- Don't call me that.
- David, stop it.

David!

Stop it!

David!

- It hurts!

(gasping)

(gentle music)

I miss her

so much.

I don't want to live.

I'm no good.

I'm no good.

- David, yes you are, yes you are.

- [David] I'm no good.

- [Chris] You are, David.

Shh.

- This is June Handly closing
this evening's program,

Inspiration in the Late Evening,

spiritual guidance to those in need.

We're coming to you live this
evening from Elmira, New York.

I'm here celebrating my new
book, Straight to Grace,

with a signing each night in a new city.

Tomorrow night, Niagara Falls, New York.

So until then, goodnight and God bless!

- [Bob] Nice show, June.

- Thank you.

(June sighs)

(knocking)

- [David] Hey June.

- Do I know you?

- You don't recognize my voice?

- Uh, maybe I should call Bob.

- Do you really think you need to?

- Well, you've come a long
way to see me, Mr. Patrone.

- I've got a lot of free time.

I'm not on the radio any more.

- Oh.

Oh, I see, well,

well, if there's anything
I can do for you.

- I thought if I came
to see you face-to-face,

I might be able to change your mind.

- Uh uh.

- I guess I'm just a cock-eyed optimist.

- Well, I don't really have
too much more to say to you.

Some people just refuse
to change their desires.

- Or can't.

- That's all in your mind.

- When I was a kid, I
tried to convince myself

I could just pray or think
that part of me away.

I wish I never wasted that time.

- Really, what are you here then?

- I think I still need to
connect with something.

- With God?

- Something like that.

- I hope you do see the
beauty of God one day, David.

- I have.

He's at home right now watching
Three's Company reruns.

- I give up.

- It bothers you that I'm okay?

That there's really nothing
wrong with me, doesn't it?

- You know what I really think?

I think you choose to ignore

the deep pain inside of you, David,

but this is a pointless conversation.

Look, we are a nationally
syndicated radio program

with a listening audience
over 130 stations

in this country alone.

I have more important things to do

for people who can be changed.

We're on the road every day,

and I need to go back to my
hotel and get some sleep,

and email my kids, another show on Monday.

You think everything is so simple,

but you have nothing to prove to me.

Shit.
- Let me.

- No, I am fine, thank you.

Maybe you came down here to mock me

like some sort of a freak
rather than a real person.

- What did you just say?

- I said, maybe you only came down here

to look at like I'm some kind of a--

- No, just the last part.

- I said, mock me like
some sort of a freak

rather than a real person.

- What did you just call yourself?

- Freak?

- Who would say that?

Who would call you that?

- What?

- Where did you get that from?

Could you say that again?

- Freak?

- Yes!
- Why?

- Just say it!

- Freak.

Freak, freak, freak!

What?

You're a nut.

- I'm sorry about that.

(gentle music)

- [Kate] Hey, David, you goof!

Are you gonna help me or not?

- Katie, what've you been doing out here

all this time by yourself?

It's past bedtime.

Mom and Dad are worried about you.

They're asking why you don't come inside.

- Did they say anything
to you about your bruises?

- Naw, they didn't see.

I skipped dinner so I
wouldn't have to sit down.

- I covered for you, you know.

I just told them you weren't feeling well

because you swallowed too
much chlorine in gym class.

- Thanks, I feel better.

Not so sore.

- Hey, you wanna help me build a fort

for my castle in the snow.

I'm the queen.

- Katie, you're 14.

Aren't you a little too
old to be playing queen?

- You should know, David,

you're never too old to play queen.

Besides, it's really just for you.

Look, there's the enemy.

- Wow!

- Here, take a snowball.

- What?

- You remember the scene
in Meet Me in St. Louis

where the little girl goes ballistic

and destroys all the snowmen?

- Yeah.

- Well, now it's your turn.

Watch me.

Take that, take that Marcia Nycelo

for calling me a lazy blob in
front of everyone in gym class

just because I had my period.

Slut!

Your turn.

- Take that Jackson Randazzi!

- Take that!

- Take that Brian Pelzinskio!

- Better, this time go for the groin.

- Take that!

- Take that!

- Stuey Cartarella for calling me a freak!

(tense music)

- Take that Mrs. McCallister for saying

that I'm not talented enough
to ever play the piano!

- What?

- I dub you Sir David,
Official Freak of Buffalo.

May it be your greatest asset.

- And I dub you Katie,
Queen of the Freaks.

- You can't dub me, you
goof, I'm already the queen.

- Katie, you never told
me about those things.

- What things?

- About Marcia Nycelo and Mrs.
McCallister, what they said.

- You were just a kid,
you still are, you goof!

(peaceful music)

♪ The only safety is in your arms ♪

♪ When the cold evening surrounds me ♪

♪ This is where I want to stay ♪

♪ Until the light ♪

(indistinctly speaking)

- Thank you Chris.

- You're welcome.

♪ I thought if I could
run just a little faster ♪

- And I'll take those, you take that.

- Hey.

- [Mrs. Peterston} Well David,
what are you doing here?

- I found some more toys and stuff.

They're all clean and everything.

(Mrs. Peterston chuckles)

I thought I'd stop by to
see how my buddy is doing.

Did I do that, did I wake him?

- [Mrs. Peterston] Oh
no, we haven't been able

to get little Poo-Poo to settle in.

We think it's because
of his new medication.

Oh sweetie, hi honey.

You better?

- Did my friends drop by?

- They did, and great news,
they decided to adopt.

- That is great.

- Yeah.

Gosh, I was so surprised.

I mean, two ladies and
their own lesbian rock band.

Now, how cool is that?

- That's cool.

- Ooh, oh, oh, oh, look
at that, look at that,

you gonna settle down now?

Can we get you to get to sleep?

You need to take your nap.

- Can I try?

- Are you sure?

We're gonna see David,
oh well look at you.

- Hey Poo-Poo.

Remember me?

It's David.

It's gonna be all right for you.

They play really cool music, you know?

It's gonna be okay.

Yeah, it's gonna be okay.

(gentle music)

- It's freezing, we should go.

- I know, I like it here.

- Keeping Katie up to date?

- I like to think maybe she can read them.

- You're leaving tomorrow.

- Go with me.

- I just think you should
go by yourself first.

Besides, don't want anyone suspicious.

- Right.

Here, sign.

This one's from the both of us.

(mellow music)

(baby crying)

(speaking in Portuguese)
Have you seen Margaret?

- Margaret!

Margaret?

Margaret.

(speaking in Portuguese) Your
new parent will be here soon.

Can't you play us one last tune?]

(children playfully chattering)

(speaking in Portuguese)

Don't worry, this is fine.

Margaret.

(speaking in Portuguese)

I told her you're her new father.

Come be with her, maybe
she doesn't believe us.

- What do you mean?

- When she first got the
piano from your sister,

she was so happy.

She played her music sheet every day.

Margaret waited for months.

When no one showed up, she
gradually stopped playing.

- You mean no one told her what happened?

- Should we have told her, Mr. Patrone?

Should we have made up excuses

for the dozen other potential
parents that she expected

that just fell by the wayside

for reasons we don't even know?

It's too much for them.

They're clothed, fed, and
we hold them when they cry.

The rest we leave it up to God.

- Ola.

This is for you.

(speaks in Portuguese)

You can play it on the air plane

on the way to your new home.

You don't have to play
it if you don't want to,

most prodigies need a hiatus anyway.

And this is also for you.

It's an Etch a Sketch.

(speaks in Portuguese) Etch um Esboco.

(speaks in Portuguese) Desenho

See?

And this,

from Chris,

my friend.

And um,

Margaret,

do you know who I am?

Você sabe quem eu sou?

It was my sister who
first wanted to adopt you.

(speaks in Portuguese)
Minha irma foi quem quis

te adotar.

The piano and the sheet
music was from my sister.

She wanted to adopt you, but

she passed on trying to get here.

Mas ela morreu tentando

chegar aqui.

(peaceful music)

That's why she never came.

It wasn't because she didn't love you.

She loved you very much.

When I first heard about you,
I fell in love with you too.

I thought,

we have something in common.

When those boys called you names,

they didn't know what they were saying.

They were wrong.

Esses meninos estavam errados.

My sister and I were going
to raise you together.

When she died,

I wasn't sure if I could do it.

It seemed impossible to me.

I know it was a long wait.

Uma longa espera.

I'm sorry.

Sinto muito.

But I'm here to be your father,

if you'll have me.

Do you want me to be your father?

You might have another father too.

Outro pai?

I mean,

if you want.

My Portuguese sucks.

Maybe this isn't such a good idea.

(speaks in Portuguese) I'm sorry.

(speaks in Portuguese) I'm
sorry your sister is dead.

I'm sorry?

(piano keys plonk)

(speaks in Portuguese) I forget.

("Of Strange Lands and People")

(speaks in Portuguese)
This music was hers.

(speaks in Portuguese) This music was hers

Dear Katie, we're doing just
fine, you'll be glad to know.

I'm back on the air with Gay Talk.

Dad no longer builds birdhouses.

Both Mom and Dad are too
busy spoiling you know who.

Margaret speaks English
better than any of us,

loves her new piano,

runs up a wicked phone bill,

and she's already expressed
an interest in boys,

or they in her.

This makes Chris and I somewhat nervous,

but we are both actively
giving good fashion tips.

Which reminds me, you
can lose the snowsuit.

We're planning to visit
Brazil again someday.

In fact, we don't speak
English very much any more.

Portuguese is our preferred language.

People sometimes look at us funny

when we're walking down the street

and maybe there's someone, somewhere

who even says bad things
but we don't care.

Well, that's it for now.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Obrigado

That's thank you.

Obigado, Katie.

(gentle music)

("Lullaby" by Corey Frye)

♪ When it's certain ♪

♪ When it's clear ♪

♪ When you're at play ♪

♪ Can't stay here ♪

♪ When the last thing
that you want to do ♪

♪ Is say goodbye ♪

♪ Just consider this your lullaby ♪

♪ Whoa oh ♪

♪ And nothing cripples ♪

♪ Quite so bad ♪

♪ As when your father ♪

♪ Makes you sad ♪

♪ When they see you're not all right ♪

♪ But never ask you why ♪

♪ Just consider this your lullaby ♪

♪ Yeah yeah ♪

♪ Yeah yeah ♪

♪ Nothing's perfect ♪

♪ Nothing's wrong ♪

♪ And no one blames you ♪

♪ When you're not strong ♪

♪ And if you're trying for first place ♪

♪ But never get that high ♪

♪ Just consider this your lullaby ♪

♪ Oh, just remember this, your lullaby ♪

♪ Please consider this your lullaby ♪

(melancholic music)