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1
00:00:03,188 --> 00:00:06,358
Hey, Fez, you know what was
awesome? That time you rode that tree.
2
00:00:07,234 --> 00:00:09,194
How did he ride a tree?
3
00:00:09,236 --> 00:00:11,612
Oh, he climbed it,
Kelso cut it down.
4
00:00:13,532 --> 00:00:15,367
You guys have a million stories.
5
00:00:15,409 --> 00:00:18,012
And you know each other so well.
It's like you have your own language.
6
00:00:18,036 --> 00:00:20,581
I don't even understand
half the things you say.
7
00:00:20,621 --> 00:00:24,625
If you understand anything that
Fez says, you're the only one. Burn!
8
00:00:27,045 --> 00:00:28,755
Oh, Kelso can't understand me?
9
00:00:28,797 --> 00:00:31,633
Now I know how it feels
to be a book. Oh, burn!
10
00:00:36,430 --> 00:00:39,682
See? Man, I wanna burn somebody
so I can be part of the gang.
11
00:00:39,724 --> 00:00:41,101
This gang?
12
00:00:41,143 --> 00:00:42,852
Angie, the only reason
this gang formed
13
00:00:42,894 --> 00:00:45,105
was because no one
would let us into their gang.
14
00:00:45,981 --> 00:00:48,400
We're like the chess club,
15
00:00:48,442 --> 00:00:50,777
but better looking and dumber.
16
00:00:55,698 --> 00:00:57,117
- Hey.
- Hey.
17
00:00:57,159 --> 00:00:59,578
Um, so was there something
you wanted to say to me
18
00:00:59,620 --> 00:01:00,940
the other day at
the record store?
19
00:01:01,955 --> 00:01:06,709
Oh, yeah. I wanted
to talk to you about Abba.
20
00:01:09,712 --> 00:01:10,712
Abba?
21
00:01:12,007 --> 00:01:14,343
No, you said you
wanted to talk about us.
22
00:01:14,384 --> 00:01:18,180
Right.
Our feelings about Abba.
23
00:01:20,474 --> 00:01:22,851
You know what? Good. Great.
24
00:01:22,892 --> 00:01:25,020
Believe me, I don't wanna
talk about us, either.
25
00:01:25,061 --> 00:01:26,480
Come on, Angie.
26
00:01:26,522 --> 00:01:29,283
We were supposed to open the
record store, ooh, about seven hours ago.
27
00:01:32,693 --> 00:01:34,279
You told me you
wanted to tell Hyde
28
00:01:34,321 --> 00:01:36,239
that you still love him
and you wanted him back.
29
00:01:36,281 --> 00:01:38,741
Yeah, well, it's obvious
he doesn't want me back.
30
00:01:38,783 --> 00:01:41,183
So you better not tell him
what I said or I'll be humiliated.
31
00:01:42,287 --> 00:01:43,622
My lips are a seal's.
32
00:01:46,916 --> 00:01:49,711
Wait, don't you mean
that your lips are sealed?
33
00:01:50,920 --> 00:01:52,506
I'm not hearing the difference.
34
00:01:54,299 --> 00:01:57,636
Great. Anyways, you guys,
I have huge news.
35
00:01:57,678 --> 00:02:00,639
You know how Point Place cable
has that public access channel?
36
00:02:00,681 --> 00:02:03,725
Yeah. Donna, didn't your dad do,
like, a belly dancing show there?
37
00:02:07,688 --> 00:02:11,358
He guest-hosted. Shut up.
38
00:02:11,400 --> 00:02:15,529
Anyways, I'm gonna have my own
show, just like Mary Tyler Moore.
39
00:02:15,571 --> 00:02:17,489
Oh, except I won't
stop for commercials
40
00:02:17,531 --> 00:02:21,034
'cause no one really wants
to take a break from me.
41
00:02:21,076 --> 00:02:22,595
I don't know.
That week you were in Florida,
42
00:02:22,619 --> 00:02:24,329
that was a nice, quiet week.
43
00:02:33,171 --> 00:02:34,964
Have you been in bed all day?
44
00:02:35,840 --> 00:02:36,966
Yeah, I have.
45
00:02:38,801 --> 00:02:42,305
I've been reading the Jack
Kerouac classic On The Road.
46
00:02:42,347 --> 00:02:45,434
See, as I see it,
why get out of bed
47
00:02:46,935 --> 00:02:49,229
when you can read about people
who got out of bed?
48
00:02:51,648 --> 00:02:55,026
You have got to be the laziest
non-communist I've ever met.
49
00:02:57,571 --> 00:03:00,949
And you are about to read
a book that my foot wrote.
50
00:03:02,451 --> 00:03:04,953
It's called On The RoadTo In Your Ass.
51
00:03:07,788 --> 00:03:11,792
Okay, now, Red, please let's hold
off on the cursing until happy hour.
52
00:03:14,755 --> 00:03:17,173
This year-off crap
better come to an end
53
00:03:17,215 --> 00:03:20,427
or I'm gonna put you in a box
and mail you to the Marines.
54
00:03:22,262 --> 00:03:23,846
Oh, don't worry, honey.
55
00:03:23,888 --> 00:03:26,558
Your father's too cheap
to mail something that heavy.
56
00:03:28,226 --> 00:03:31,104
He just wants you to have
some direction and so do I.
57
00:03:31,146 --> 00:03:36,109
And you are in luck because
I got the new issue of Cosmo.
58
00:03:36,151 --> 00:03:39,821
Oh, well, I'm just not sure I need
seven new ways to please my man.
59
00:03:45,786 --> 00:03:49,665
No. No. Honey,
it's a job aptitude test.
60
00:03:49,706 --> 00:03:52,875
Okay, question number one.
61
00:03:52,917 --> 00:03:55,295
"Do you consider
yourself creative?"
62
00:03:56,338 --> 00:03:58,715
- Well...
- Yes.
63
00:03:58,757 --> 00:04:01,009
You were a little wiz
at macaroni art.
64
00:04:02,511 --> 00:04:06,348
"Do you prefer to work alone
or with others?"
65
00:04:06,389 --> 00:04:08,642
- Alone.
- Nope, you love people.
66
00:04:10,143 --> 00:04:13,480
Okay, question three.
"Do you..." Oh, that's easy.
67
00:04:15,482 --> 00:04:18,401
Look, Mom, I'm happy
just enjoying my world.
68
00:04:18,443 --> 00:04:22,947
I'm like an explorer. I'm exactly
like Christopher Columbus.
69
00:04:22,989 --> 00:04:26,493
Except, you know, I've been
incredibly distracted by television.
70
00:04:28,870 --> 00:04:30,246
Okay. All done.
71
00:04:31,456 --> 00:04:33,583
Now, according to your answers,
72
00:04:37,379 --> 00:04:39,047
you should be a nurse!
73
00:04:43,885 --> 00:04:45,762
♪ Hanging out
74
00:04:47,681 --> 00:04:49,558
♪ Down the street
75
00:04:51,017 --> 00:04:53,144
♪ The same old thing
76
00:04:54,771 --> 00:04:56,898
♪ We did last week
77
00:04:58,149 --> 00:05:01,820
♪ Not a thing to do
78
00:05:02,529 --> 00:05:05,948
♪ But talk to you
79
00:05:05,990 --> 00:05:07,784
♪ We're all all right
80
00:05:07,826 --> 00:05:10,286
♪ We're all all right ♪
81
00:05:10,328 --> 00:05:12,497
Hello, Wisconsin!
82
00:05:17,960 --> 00:05:20,171
Okay, Fez, since you're
helping me with set dressing,
83
00:05:20,213 --> 00:05:22,674
I want the set to reflect
my sparkling personality.
84
00:05:22,716 --> 00:05:24,718
I want it to say "Jackie."
85
00:05:24,760 --> 00:05:27,178
Okay, let me see. Maybe
some glitter, a disco ball...
86
00:05:27,220 --> 00:05:29,598
Uh-huh. I want a big sign
that says "Jackie."
87
00:05:32,809 --> 00:05:34,686
I hate this room.
88
00:05:34,728 --> 00:05:36,730
It reminds me of my dad
dancing around half-naked
89
00:05:36,772 --> 00:05:38,106
with finger cymbals.
90
00:05:40,567 --> 00:05:42,985
Well, my show is
gonna be a news show.
91
00:05:43,027 --> 00:05:44,780
All-nude or just topless?
92
00:05:47,866 --> 00:05:49,743
Not nude, news.
93
00:05:49,785 --> 00:05:51,494
I'm not hearing the difference.
94
00:05:53,789 --> 00:05:56,684
Jackie, how are you gonna tell people
the news if you don't know any news?
95
00:05:56,708 --> 00:05:59,043
Well, I know all the news
that's really important,
96
00:05:59,085 --> 00:06:03,339
like, who's got a new car, what
store is having a sale on leggings,
97
00:06:03,381 --> 00:06:06,551
and if there'll ever be peace
in the Middle East.
98
00:06:09,512 --> 00:06:11,932
Who am I kidding?
No one cares about China.
99
00:06:19,522 --> 00:06:21,942
- Hey, Eric, can I have
some of your fries?
- Sure.
100
00:06:21,982 --> 00:06:24,026
Well, I don't want any. Burn!
101
00:06:27,280 --> 00:06:30,074
I think you're confusing
a burn with just talking.
102
00:06:35,037 --> 00:06:37,332
- Eric, can I have some fries?
- Yeah, help yourself.
103
00:06:40,335 --> 00:06:41,795
Burn!
104
00:06:45,340 --> 00:06:49,009
Yeah, I knew you were gonna
do that, so I spit in them. Burn!
105
00:06:53,932 --> 00:06:55,141
Totally.
106
00:06:55,183 --> 00:06:58,895
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
You ate his spit. Burn!
107
00:07:04,442 --> 00:07:07,027
That's a piggyback burn.
We don't do that.
108
00:07:09,447 --> 00:07:11,950
Come on, Angie. You've gotta
do inventory in the storeroom,
109
00:07:11,992 --> 00:07:15,161
and I gotta go
sleep behind a box.
110
00:07:15,203 --> 00:07:17,246
Man, you want to
catch a movie or something?
111
00:07:17,288 --> 00:07:20,166
Nah. I gotta go down
to the police academy.
112
00:07:20,208 --> 00:07:22,251
They're gonna teach me
what prisoners feel like.
113
00:07:22,293 --> 00:07:25,171
Guys are gonna handcuff me
to a flagpole for a few hours.
114
00:07:27,465 --> 00:07:30,176
It's not in the curriculum,
but they say it's required.
115
00:07:37,141 --> 00:07:41,479
Hey, uh, I'm sorry, are you reading
the new Mighty Spectaculous?
116
00:07:41,521 --> 00:07:43,982
Yeah. You a fan?
117
00:07:44,024 --> 00:07:46,651
"When trouble arrives
by car or bus...
118
00:07:46,693 --> 00:07:50,030
"...we summon
the Mighty Spectaculous!"
119
00:07:52,949 --> 00:07:55,994
- They call me Eric Forman.
- Stew Bailey.
120
00:07:56,036 --> 00:07:59,706
No relation to Beetle.
121
00:07:59,748 --> 00:08:02,810
Hey, Stew, I mean, if you're interested,
they're having a Spectaculous Spectacular
122
00:08:02,834 --> 00:08:06,212
down at
the Atomic Comic Book Nook.
123
00:08:06,254 --> 00:08:09,257
You're probably... You probably
have to get back to work or something.
124
00:08:09,298 --> 00:08:11,509
I don't have to be anywhere.
I don't have a job.
125
00:08:11,551 --> 00:08:13,219
How old are you?
126
00:08:13,261 --> 00:08:15,861
Well, let's just say I'm two years
older than Professor Revenge-O.
127
00:08:17,807 --> 00:08:19,100
Thirty-six.
128
00:08:21,644 --> 00:08:24,647
So then, Stew,
what do you do all day?
129
00:08:25,732 --> 00:08:27,108
You're looking at it.
130
00:08:29,151 --> 00:08:31,153
We're gonna be good friends.
131
00:08:39,203 --> 00:08:41,915
Fez, Jackie's show
is about to start.
132
00:08:41,957 --> 00:08:43,458
Aren't you supposed
to be helping her?
133
00:08:43,499 --> 00:08:45,794
She asked me to make a giant
sign with her name on it.
134
00:08:45,835 --> 00:08:47,420
So I said, "You got it, baby."
135
00:08:47,462 --> 00:08:50,006
So then, I went to
get some ice cream,
136
00:08:50,048 --> 00:08:52,550
and then I went to play
some Space Invaders,
137
00:08:52,592 --> 00:08:54,970
and then I came here
to watch the show.
138
00:08:58,473 --> 00:09:01,810
I could never be on TV,
unless it was Johnny Carson,
139
00:09:01,851 --> 00:09:06,147
because I have a very funny story
about a Cheeto that looked just like Jesus.
140
00:09:14,823 --> 00:09:16,116
So, Fez,
141
00:09:17,450 --> 00:09:19,911
you've been hanging out a lot
lately with Jackie.
142
00:09:19,953 --> 00:09:23,623
Any idea what she wanted to talk to me
about at the record store the other day?
143
00:09:23,665 --> 00:09:26,375
Um, I don't know. I was there.
I mean, I wasn't there.
144
00:09:26,417 --> 00:09:27,502
I, uh...
145
00:09:29,462 --> 00:09:31,422
I was, uh... I was away.
146
00:09:33,883 --> 00:09:35,217
On business.
147
00:09:39,806 --> 00:09:42,142
Well, if she wanted
to get back together,
148
00:09:42,183 --> 00:09:44,477
that's something
I wouldn't mind knowing.
149
00:09:44,519 --> 00:09:46,519
So why don't you just go ahead
and spill the beans?
150
00:09:48,064 --> 00:09:49,357
Beans?
151
00:09:50,566 --> 00:09:52,819
What beans?
152
00:09:52,861 --> 00:09:56,865
The only beans are in your
head, you, uh, little bean-head.
153
00:10:02,244 --> 00:10:06,833
Anyway, I opened the bag
and there he was.
154
00:10:06,875 --> 00:10:08,668
The beard and everything.
155
00:10:11,379 --> 00:10:14,924
Oh, oh, Jackie's about to start.
156
00:10:14,966 --> 00:10:17,343
- Okay, Jackie, are you ready?
- Yeah, of course.
157
00:10:17,385 --> 00:10:19,137
I've got this thing down pat.
158
00:10:19,179 --> 00:10:21,514
Okay, so after
the weather report,
159
00:10:21,556 --> 00:10:23,766
I'm gonna get into the problem
with the spirit squad.
160
00:10:23,808 --> 00:10:28,312
They're all fat. That's my
commentary. I'm anti-fat.
161
00:10:28,354 --> 00:10:31,482
Okay. Ten seconds until you're on
the air, offending thousands of people.
162
00:10:34,819 --> 00:10:36,237
Thousands of people?
163
00:10:36,278 --> 00:10:39,032
In five, four, three...
164
00:10:45,329 --> 00:10:46,789
You didn't say "two" or "one."
165
00:10:46,831 --> 00:10:48,499
It's because you're on now.
166
00:10:49,625 --> 00:10:50,919
Well, but I'm not...
167
00:10:53,004 --> 00:10:54,255
Hi.
168
00:10:55,882 --> 00:10:59,260
- I'm Backie Jurkhart.
- Jackie Burkhart.
169
00:10:59,301 --> 00:11:00,595
- What?
- It's your name.
170
00:11:00,636 --> 00:11:02,573
- I know what my name is.
- You said Backie Jurkhart.
171
00:11:02,597 --> 00:11:04,432
Okay, stop talking
or you're fired.
172
00:11:05,433 --> 00:11:07,602
Fine. You're on your own.
173
00:11:08,811 --> 00:11:10,188
I'm what?
174
00:11:13,024 --> 00:11:14,274
Oh, dear.
175
00:11:15,777 --> 00:11:17,277
She's not so good.
176
00:11:19,321 --> 00:11:21,281
She's sweating
like Muhammad Ali.
177
00:11:26,037 --> 00:11:27,663
Cut to her boobs.
178
00:11:29,124 --> 00:11:31,209
Who's directing this thing?
179
00:11:43,012 --> 00:11:46,682
I guess we can't just sit and
talk about comic books all day.
180
00:11:46,724 --> 00:11:48,308
Let's do some
Star Wars trivia. Go.
181
00:11:49,685 --> 00:11:51,062
I got a stumper.
182
00:11:51,104 --> 00:11:54,732
- Who is Luke and
Obi-Wan's nemesis at...
- Doctor Evazan.
183
00:11:56,901 --> 00:11:59,195
Man, you're good.
184
00:11:59,237 --> 00:12:01,864
Look, let me ask you a question.
185
00:12:01,906 --> 00:12:06,786
Some people think that if I keep
living, you know, "without a purpose,"
186
00:12:06,828 --> 00:12:10,206
that I'll be all, I don't
know, unfulfilled and stuff.
187
00:12:12,792 --> 00:12:16,336
Do you ever feel unfulfilled?
188
00:12:16,378 --> 00:12:18,714
I've seen Star Wars
in seven different states.
189
00:12:20,258 --> 00:12:23,303
I even met the midget
that they stuck inside R2-D2.
190
00:12:24,679 --> 00:12:26,388
What could be more
fulfilling than that?
191
00:12:28,390 --> 00:12:29,767
I don't know.
192
00:12:31,602 --> 00:12:33,104
Hey, dorks.
193
00:12:33,146 --> 00:12:36,191
Listen, Angie had
a really rough day at work
194
00:12:36,232 --> 00:12:38,526
so I'm gonna rub her feet,
and you might wanna clear out
195
00:12:38,567 --> 00:12:40,653
before I start
rubbing other stuff.
196
00:12:41,863 --> 00:12:43,823
Eric, come over later.
We'll game.
197
00:12:43,865 --> 00:12:46,159
Who was that guy?
198
00:12:46,201 --> 00:12:48,661
- That's this guy...
- I don't care. Burn!
199
00:12:55,877 --> 00:12:59,797
Angie, you're cute as a button,
but you burn like a botard.
200
00:13:03,383 --> 00:13:05,345
Look, if you wanna burn someone,
201
00:13:05,385 --> 00:13:07,972
you gotta embarrass them
to make other people laugh.
202
00:13:08,014 --> 00:13:12,227
You want to combine the
elements of humiliation and surprise.
203
00:13:14,812 --> 00:13:16,189
Dude, what the hell?
204
00:13:18,691 --> 00:13:20,400
Burn!
205
00:13:24,446 --> 00:13:27,867
Oh, hey.
Jackie, I saw your show.
206
00:13:27,909 --> 00:13:30,410
It isn't as good as
a lot of other shows.
207
00:13:32,705 --> 00:13:35,083
No.
208
00:13:35,124 --> 00:13:38,211
It was great for people who
think regular TV is too entertaining.
209
00:13:40,880 --> 00:13:43,007
I freaked out.
210
00:13:43,049 --> 00:13:47,095
I mean, the cameras turned on,
and I realized I'm completely alone.
211
00:13:47,136 --> 00:13:49,889
I'm alone on TV,
and I'm alone in real life.
212
00:13:51,933 --> 00:13:53,433
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
213
00:13:59,857 --> 00:14:01,025
Burn!
214
00:14:04,028 --> 00:14:05,529
Oh, my God!
215
00:14:09,409 --> 00:14:13,413
Uh, I forgot to tell you
the part about
216
00:14:13,453 --> 00:14:16,165
you don't burn someone
who's already crying.
217
00:14:22,255 --> 00:14:26,134
Okay, best sidekick.
Robin or Aqualad?
218
00:14:26,175 --> 00:14:28,761
Ooh, uh, toughie.
219
00:14:28,803 --> 00:14:31,472
Is the villain they're
fighting terrestrial or aquatic?
220
00:14:33,141 --> 00:14:36,477
Stewie, you didn't tell me
you were having a friend over.
221
00:14:38,104 --> 00:14:39,772
Eric, this is my mom.
222
00:14:46,154 --> 00:14:47,780
You still live with your mom?
223
00:14:49,407 --> 00:14:52,243
Oh, she's more than just my
mother. She's my best friend.
224
00:14:55,121 --> 00:14:57,290
She's your best friend?
225
00:14:59,083 --> 00:15:01,502
Well, you're giving her
a run for her money.
226
00:15:04,588 --> 00:15:07,383
- Okay, I gotta go.
- Are you sure?
227
00:15:07,425 --> 00:15:11,512
I was about to make sandwiches
in the shape of X-wing fighters.
228
00:15:13,473 --> 00:15:16,517
Uh, no, really.
Well... No, I gotta go.
229
00:15:25,276 --> 00:15:28,737
- What are you doing?
- I'm throwing out
all my comic books.
230
00:15:33,075 --> 00:15:36,787
I saw my future today, and,
well, it's living with its mother.
231
00:15:43,211 --> 00:15:45,671
Yeah, well, I saw
my future and it sweats.
232
00:15:47,756 --> 00:15:50,176
Okay. Hold on. You sweat?
233
00:15:52,553 --> 00:15:56,557
Uh, would you happen to have a picture,
some tape of this that I could laugh at?
234
00:15:58,059 --> 00:16:01,812
Eric, I tried to have
my own TV show, and I failed.
235
00:16:01,854 --> 00:16:04,565
My life is over. I'm not
good enough to be on TV.
236
00:16:05,191 --> 00:16:06,775
No, Jackie.
237
00:16:09,362 --> 00:16:10,946
Okay, come on.
238
00:16:10,988 --> 00:16:12,532
You're good-looking,
239
00:16:12,573 --> 00:16:15,576
you're incredibly superficial
and you lie constantly.
240
00:16:18,371 --> 00:16:20,331
I think you're perfect for TV.
241
00:16:23,418 --> 00:16:26,587
- Do you really think so?
- Yeah.
242
00:16:26,628 --> 00:16:30,632
I mean, jeez, look, at least you're
doing something with your life.
243
00:16:32,385 --> 00:16:34,345
I have wasted an entire year.
244
00:16:34,387 --> 00:16:36,180
Eric, let me
stop you right there.
245
00:16:36,222 --> 00:16:39,975
Okay? Since you were kind enough to
cheer me up when my spirits were low,
246
00:16:40,017 --> 00:16:41,017
I'm gonna go. Thanks.
247
00:16:52,280 --> 00:16:54,656
Hey, Forman,
let me ask you a question.
248
00:16:54,698 --> 00:16:57,285
What do you think
about me and Jackie?
249
00:16:57,326 --> 00:16:59,370
Well, man,
you know what I think.
250
00:16:59,412 --> 00:17:01,414
I think that Jackie
is evil incarnate.
251
00:17:03,040 --> 00:17:05,585
I think that if you were to
cut off one of her hands,
252
00:17:05,626 --> 00:17:08,045
it would probably grow back
into another Jackie.
253
00:17:10,672 --> 00:17:13,342
Look, before Jackie,
254
00:17:13,384 --> 00:17:16,095
you were just some
pissed-off guy in my basement.
255
00:17:17,597 --> 00:17:19,056
But with her...
256
00:17:20,975 --> 00:17:22,393
I mean, you seemed happy, man.
257
00:17:23,269 --> 00:17:24,937
Hey, I was never happy.
258
00:17:26,647 --> 00:17:28,399
I was just less pissed off.
259
00:17:29,942 --> 00:17:30,942
Hyde,
260
00:17:33,112 --> 00:17:36,657
I lied to you when I told you
that I was away on business.
261
00:17:40,744 --> 00:17:41,744
No.
262
00:17:45,583 --> 00:17:46,667
Yes.
263
00:17:49,211 --> 00:17:52,131
And I know what Jackie
wanted to tell you.
264
00:17:52,173 --> 00:17:53,173
She still loves you.
265
00:17:53,966 --> 00:17:55,343
What?
266
00:17:55,384 --> 00:17:58,471
Yeah. She said she was wrong
and that she wanted you back.
267
00:17:58,513 --> 00:18:01,432
She was vulnerable,
so I tried to french her.
268
00:18:05,102 --> 00:18:06,562
But no-go.
269
00:18:12,985 --> 00:18:14,820
- Shouldn't Jackie
be here by now?
- Yeah.
270
00:18:14,862 --> 00:18:17,031
She's supposed to go
on in, like, a minute.
271
00:18:17,072 --> 00:18:18,949
I don't think
she's gonna show up.
272
00:18:18,991 --> 00:18:19,992
What?
273
00:18:22,578 --> 00:18:25,747
No, but we were gonna do
this whole segment on sluts.
274
00:18:27,416 --> 00:18:29,168
And I was gonna be
the slut expert.
275
00:18:29,210 --> 00:18:31,795
That's the only kind of expert
I'm ever gonna be.
276
00:18:33,673 --> 00:18:36,425
- Hey.
- Jackie, I can't believe
you showed up.
277
00:18:36,467 --> 00:18:38,511
I can't believe I showed up.
278
00:18:38,553 --> 00:18:41,263
What am I doing with my life?
279
00:18:41,305 --> 00:18:43,265
Okay, come on, people.
We got a show to do.
280
00:18:43,307 --> 00:18:45,267
Okay. In three...
281
00:18:48,729 --> 00:18:52,483
Hi, I'm Jackie Burkhart, and here's
all the news you need to know.
282
00:18:52,525 --> 00:18:54,943
This just in. Slacks are out.
283
00:18:54,985 --> 00:18:57,697
So, ladies, shave those legs
and put on a skirt.
284
00:19:00,032 --> 00:19:03,118
Up next, senior correspondent
Michael Kelso joins me
285
00:19:03,160 --> 00:19:07,289
for a very exciting segment
I like to call Slut or Not.
286
00:19:08,499 --> 00:19:11,419
- Michael, welcome.
- Hi, Jackie. Ladies.
287
00:19:13,212 --> 00:19:14,755
Okay, let's get started.
288
00:19:16,173 --> 00:19:18,926
- Marcy Cavanaugh.
- Slut.
289
00:19:20,886 --> 00:19:22,221
Susie Rice.
290
00:19:23,264 --> 00:19:24,765
- Slut.
- Mmm.
291
00:19:26,141 --> 00:19:28,185
Hey, could you zoom out a sec?
292
00:19:29,562 --> 00:19:32,022
Ooh, Jenny Keene.
293
00:19:32,064 --> 00:19:35,150
Partly slutty with a chance
of severe sluttiness.
294
00:19:39,739 --> 00:19:42,283
- Angie, what the hell?
- Burn?
295
00:19:44,744 --> 00:19:46,787
Burn!
296
00:19:48,414 --> 00:19:53,294
Well, there you have it,
America, your first televised burn.
297
00:19:53,335 --> 00:19:56,756
Up next, a hard-hitting segment
called Girls With Mustaches.
298
00:19:56,797 --> 00:19:58,799
Don't touch that dial,
Sherry Papadakis.
299
00:20:07,683 --> 00:20:10,018
- Hey, man, is Jackie around?
- Hey.
300
00:20:10,060 --> 00:20:12,396
Yeah, but I thought
you weren't talking to her.
301
00:20:12,438 --> 00:20:15,816
You're gonna make up
with her, aren't you?
302
00:20:17,526 --> 00:20:22,156
Oh, you're gonna tell her
that you love her.
303
00:20:22,197 --> 00:20:25,576
And your little sunglasses
are gonna get all fogged up.
304
00:20:27,077 --> 00:20:29,246
Jackie, there's
someone here to see you.
305
00:20:30,498 --> 00:20:32,082
Hey.
306
00:20:32,124 --> 00:20:34,585
Uh, I thought maybe
we could talk for a minute.
307
00:20:34,627 --> 00:20:38,005
Is it about my show?
'Cause it was awesome.
308
00:20:38,046 --> 00:20:42,009
Steven, I went on and I did
great. And I did it on my own.
309
00:20:42,050 --> 00:20:45,513
I mean, I've never been more
proud of myself in my entire life.
310
00:20:45,554 --> 00:20:48,140
I'm gonna do great on my own.
311
00:20:48,182 --> 00:20:50,102
I'm sorry. What did you
want to talk to me about?
312
00:20:51,769 --> 00:20:53,228
Well, um...
313
00:20:57,316 --> 00:20:59,527
I just wanted to say
congratulations on your show.
314
00:21:01,236 --> 00:21:03,238
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
315
00:21:03,280 --> 00:21:04,865
Did you see Michael
with his pants down?
316
00:21:09,578 --> 00:21:10,746
No.
317
00:21:12,331 --> 00:21:13,999
But I don't need a TV
to see that.
318
00:21:20,881 --> 00:21:22,424
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,
319
00:21:22,466 --> 00:21:26,595
and welcome to the full
half-hour of Slut or Not.
320
00:21:26,637 --> 00:21:28,180
I've got a phone book here
321
00:21:28,222 --> 00:21:30,062
and a wealth of experience
with fooling around,
322
00:21:30,098 --> 00:21:32,059
so let's get started.
323
00:21:32,100 --> 00:21:33,519
"Beverly Addison."
324
00:21:33,561 --> 00:21:36,856
I don't know her personally,
but I've heard she has a tattoo.
325
00:21:36,897 --> 00:21:40,651
So congratulations, Beverly
Addison. You are a slut.
326
00:21:42,110 --> 00:21:44,905
What the hell happened
to this country?
327
00:21:47,032 --> 00:21:50,327
I know Beverly Addison, and
I'm glad somebody finally said it.
328
00:21:50,351 --> 00:21:52,351
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